This week I saw this postcard on Post Secret. It spoke to me; really hit home. I hope that the person who made it managed to speak to their father, and I hope it went well.

Usually the cards are interesting, but very few really 'speak' to me like this one did, and I think this one spoke so loudly because I know I'll never get that chance. And I wonder what things would have been like had I the courage of the person who sent that card in. It's funny how much a message from a stranger, not necessarily written for anyone else, can affect another person. I think that if I had seen that card 2-3 years ago, I might have said something to Dad. I realize now that it was a big barrier to re-developing some sort of relationship - that big white elephant in the room - and you can be sure he wouldn't have brought it up.

I admit I was more than a little afraid ot say something. I didn't know what his reaction would be, and I desperately try to keep people happy with me, because if they get angry, I'm afraid they'll leave. And although I know dad didn't leave because of me, it's still a strange thought I've got and am working on. But that's not the point of this post.


Of course, now it's too late to have that kind of conversation with dad, no matter how much I want to.


I wish I hadn't run away from it for so long. Who knows how things could have been?

Today I went and got a free Starbucks coffee for "voting".

The radio said anyone could ask for the free coffee, as they're not allowed to limit to just voters for some reason. So I did (and before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, please remember that I'm a Canuck and thus cannot vote in your election).

I went to the spice stand and put cinnamon in it for a little extra flavor without thinking, and then remembered that's how my dad liked his coffee.



P.S. Might I take this moment to add that doing a mandatory 3 online lessons on bereavement for a seminar this weekend (which I'm sure will be helpful, but...), at which I fully expect to cry through, sucks. Getting through the 3 lessons without thinking too much has been a challenge, as I can only get them done in the student room, which has everyone in it, and I really don't feel like crying in the middle of that room in the middle of the day between classes.

Today's takeaway message from module 2: Grief is not part of a process for forgetting, but for remembering.

The Good: Received an email back from someone at the JASC about taiko workshops (Tues nights, therefore can't make it b/c I have class), but also that they'd pass my information on to the dance class, and someone from Fujima Ryu Classical Dance (enka, minyo and shinbuyo) will contact me soon. I do hope it's not on Monday or Tuesday nights so I can make it to class. I'd really love to get back into nihonbuyo again!

The Bad: So much reading for school. Assignments, homework, papers, etc. I'm doing my best to stay on top of it. I don't think I've ever been this proactive and on top of schoolwork before. I guess that's not a bad thing.

Bad is reading about grief and loss and how people cope with it, when you don't even know how to cope with your own. I read more and more about it, hoping it'll give me answers about how I'm supposed to feel or how to deal with things, but it's not working. I guess I'm afraid to just sit and cry about it, to really let those feelings out, and what others would think of me for doing it. It's a weird mix of sad, angry, upset, regretful, hurt, guilt... so many questions to ask that will never be answered, the regret of things undone/unsaid... I know it's totally natural, but it still sucks ass.

I'm just glad I have Puffs with lotion. Best Tissues Ever. I won't buy anything else.

I can't even get through a few sentences on handling grief without crying. T.T At least I can read it here at home and not in class.

Whoo boy, got a lot of catching up to do! Beware, it's long and hopefully, if I can figure out how to embed pics from lj, will have piccies, too.

I've already talked about what took me home for the weekend here, so I'll continue with more. As (possibly) previously mentioned, I also had my 10 year high school reunion. And a morning brunch!

( Morning BrunchCollapse )

( The Reunion - The Long VersionCollapse )

After the reunion was the Wedding Crashing!

( The Wedding CrashersCollapse )


Sunday, Sept 14th
Sunday was lazing around and then heading to the airport and leaving to fly back to K-town. The night was spent on Ion's couch, after he graciously picked me up at the airport. Good thing my bf's friends like me! I got to play with his kitties Kitty and Blendy, have Domino's pizza, and play The Last Guy on his PS3. If you have that console, download it! It's only $10, and super fun! I passed a difficult level. If you can't tell from the title, you're the Last Guy, and you have to save people from zombies. You need to save a certain number of people in a set time in order to pass the level.

Monday, Sept 15th
I woke up early Monday morning and took the Via rail back to K-town. That was actually quite nice! If I were going for an event in downtown TO, I'd definitely take the train over the bus. Monday consisted of Packing, having tea, chilling, having dinner, and freaking out about leaving the next day and praying they'll let me cross the border (which they obviously did).


Random Present Babble
I think I'll get back to work now; break's been a bit longer than I expected. At least my textbook wasn't as boring as I expected, so I should be able to make it through the other chapters tonight. I think I'll also go up and eat more dinner (ate at about 6pm, and it's past 9pm, so now I'm hungry again).

In Chicago news, I have found a FREE (whooo) Japanese class which happens to be near my campus, even. So starting not next Thursday but the Thursday after that, I'm going to go. Whoot!

And tomorrow is a busy day. I've decided to attend the JETAA Return's Picnic at 2pm, and then I'm going to a free play as part of free night of theatre. I'll be seeing Dave DaVinci Saves The Universe. LOL I'll try and write a review later.

*********, STERLING of Rock Creek B.C. passed away August 13, 2008. Sterling was predeceased by his father Otto. He is survived by his wife Patricia ********, His son Skyler (Olivia), his daughter Erica (Sunil), his mother Willa, his brothers Arthur (Karen), Glen and his sister Bonnie. Sterling enjoyed a long career in the pipeline industry. No funeral will be held by request. In lieu of flowers, donations should be directed to the charity of your choice.

A Celebration of His Life was held on Sept 13th at the Nisku Inn; he wasn't a somber funeral type of guy. I made a slideshow for it. I was honestly nervous about going since my other family members wouldn't be there, and I didn't know how I'd get along with my step-mom. It went alright, though, and I got to see some people I didn't get to see in something like 12-15 years. There were family members I hadn't met before (siblings of my grandma's), and a cousin I met only once when I was little. It was different from what I expected, but I'm glad I went because I needed to talk some things out and get some closure. I received my small token of his ashes; it's in a lovely silver jar that's very Asian feeling (made in India). It's on my window sill now, here in Chicago, with the little program from the day. The songs we used were A Father's Love by George Strait and Goodbye by Audio Adrenaline. I really think they worked well; a "family" song and one for "friends", even if they're not about this kind of goodbye.

I have a whole slew of mixed emotions relating to this; I don't know if I'll blog about them at all, but I might and keep it private because I want to know my own thought processes. However, my uni does offer free counseling, so I think I'll go since things are mixed up in my head. I'm not depressed, I just need to sort some things out.

I'll post about the rest of the day later; there was breakfast, a reunion, and a wedding. It was one busy day!

I've heard several people tell me that 2008 is going to be the Year of Change. I guess it's shaping up that way, at least for me. I'm hopefully going to grad school, moving to do that, and I've got my gallbladder out, so I'm going to have to watch my diet and exercise and hopefully lose the weight. Other people I know have changed jobs for the better, and have exciting new things coming up for them.

When I called my dad the other night to let him know I'm home from the hospital, I got more news of the change variety, that also requires travel to BC.

My dad is getting married on August 2nd to his long-time live-with girlfriend. Out in BC, at their place; a 2 day affair.

I just assumed they were already common-law and wouldn't bother with an actual ceremony, but I guess I was wrong. But I suppose it's nice that they want to do something like that; as dad put it, it's so there's someone to take care of him when he gets old (do not get me started on this or I will rant your ears off).

I hope I can afford to travel out there, considering everything else I have to pay for this year. Maybe dad will help me pay for it. After that, I've got to come back to Ontario and get ready to go wherever I'll be going, so that's an extra trip to factor in. He figured I'd be out in Alberta by then without needing to come back to Ontario or something. Oh well, that's life, right? I made it out for Skippy's wedding, so I can make it out for my Dad's. He's hoping Sunny can make it, too, but if he can't, I don't think it'll be as big of a deal. And damn right I want to rent a car so that I can leave when I need to as I hope August will be a busy month.

That's the biggest news in my family so far.

Is this a year of change for anyone else? Anyone else getting startling news?



Also, today, I Challenge Dairy! WHOO. Let's see how this goes.

Tonight's keyword: shisei (姿勢).

This means "attitude" or "posture" in Japanese (according to Jim Breen's wwwjdic, which I rely on practically daily).

Why was this the keyword? Because my posture had to be fixed for dancing. To do this, she had me stand against the wall and make my shoulders and heels touch it. I know, I know, this doesn't sound hard at all - until you factor in an obi musubi in the small of your back. XD Feels really awkward, and it's something I had to really keep in mind while dancing (so much to think about!), but I honestly noticed a few moves were easier and "felt" better, like there was more flow, while in this position. It was my first real "workout" at dance - I was sweating a little, and it wasn't just cuz of the heat. It worked the legs. Since you can't relax your shoulders, to do anything somewhat low (involving fans or scarves or something) requires you to really bend your knees a lot and dance like that. And now I know why they have that position for dancing, and a lot more respect for their leg power!

Speaking of leg power, shisei is related to proper seiza as well. Apparently, your legs fall asleep when you sit on them for a while (no surprise there); but when you use proper shisei, your butt sticks out and your back is rather curved, and you try and sit a little above your feet using your thigh muscles and leaning forward while keeping your shoulders back. It's a little weird if you don't sit in that position often - but I lasted a bit longer than normal in seiza because my feet took longer to fall asleep so I guess that's a good thing.

I commented that the Japanese then must have had really strong legs, and she agreed! The position apparently is also better for digestion and when wearing an obi, just more comfortable if you maintain proper posture. The hanhaba obis aren't so bad, but when you wear fukuro or something like for furisode, it's better for you. So I decided I'm going to have to practice at home.

Tonight snack was a hourensou donut. That's spinach. A very bright green color, but it didn't taste like spinach, so that was good. And coffee and cold tea, because she made the coffee before she remembered that I like cold drinks when I'm really warm.

( Obi Oh BabyCollapse )

( Real-life Dad IssuesCollapse )

And for this evening: a phone call role-play for volunteering; a shower and a shave *lol* because I want to wear the CUTE skirt and shirt I bought to Kodo on Saturday (it's ADORABLE, you'll love it); and packing for the weekend (kimono stuff and normal clothing). If I finish relatively early (AKA before 11:15 or so) I'll watch an ep of...something. Maybe KKM, maybe F/S Night. I wonder how many ppl realize that anime is from an H-game... :P