Love it when I find several unpublished posts laying around. The result of my inability to finish my thoughts in a satisfactory manner. This post is just now being posted as of August 10th, 2014 from the future! ooooh!
Ohhhh. We've reached the middle of August. Where did time go? You'll be happy to know that under all that frustration and cryptic Facebook statuses, all was not lost. I spent most of my time on Self-Improvement. You know what? I didn't really plan it that way. It just happened. I'm very much into the existentialistic questions. When I go searching, it's usually for purpose and identity. Here are some things that I've learned since June and my unemployed state (okay so maybe only July).
- I've learned that I have an INFJ personality. I've played around with so many different types and honestly the Myers-Briggs test is subjective based on what mood you're in and how you want to answer the questions. I jumped from ISFJ to ESFJ to ENFJ to INFJ, with a lot of the basic elements being the same. I'm a feeler primarily. I took the Keirsey personality test a week and a half ago and got INFJ and when I went to get the answer it said that my email user name was already used. So I looked back to the first time I took the Keirsey test back in 2007. Would you believe it? It said INFJ. So I'm going to go with an average here and say yes, I'm definitely an INFJ. I can identify with pretty much everything in terms of traits and characteristics. These are things in my core that I've either hated (read: did not accept) or hit the override button because I felt I needed to be something else (not myself).
Then I hit that point in my life where I got exhausted because I refused to live life as ME. I got tired to trying to be someone other than myself. I actually started listening to messages my body has been giving me about my preferences and who I choose to be. The stress and strain has plummeted. I stopped trying to be too outgoing because that exhausted me. I realized just how much downtime I need to recharge and it's staggering. I no longer feel bad about being in my room all the time when I'm at home. It's my sanctuary.
I've realized that I'm probably an HSP (highly sensitive person). This means that my brain gets overstimulated a lot. I might not have realized it because I don't know anything different. My brain is constantly going. I'm very sensitive to bright lights and very loud sounds that I can't control. White noises can be bothersome. I need absolute silence to think and process things, otherwise I'm distracted. Like right now, I have a slightly noisy ceiling fan on and honestly I can't hear my thoughts very clearly.
In this busy world, moments of silence are absolutely delicious to me. One where I can be in tune with my thoughts, the sound of my heart beating, the sound of my breathing. I feel truly calm. There are very few places where I can have silence. I take them when I can. This is not to say that I cannot handle noise and that it totally makes me freak out. I just relish moments in the quiet. They are great for refocusing, balancing and re-centering my life.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
meridith writes: on the nontrial of singleness
Today's insights are brought to you today by my friend Meridith, over at Meridith Writes. I am always impressed by her insight into the challenges of life and the development and improvement of self. Click on over to her page and give it a read. :)
meridith writes: on the nontrial of singleness: I'm 28 and single. This gives me about ten years of experience in singles wards, so I know that long and many are the woes rehearsed by...
meridith writes: on the nontrial of singleness: I'm 28 and single. This gives me about ten years of experience in singles wards, so I know that long and many are the woes rehearsed by...
Monday, August 5, 2013
How to stop apathy in the face of rejection
Disclaimer: I've been half asleep writing this. It's been in the 90's this week and my house's air conditioning broke and that makes it really tough to get to sleep until it's cooler outside. Usually the early hours of the morning. So if the following is not super cohesive, that is why. ::end disclaimer::
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So, I have this ability to know how to love people and love them quickly and deeply. How is this possible? It's just a gift. I rely on my keen sense of intuitiveness (not sure if that's even a word) to assess a person's core, what kind of person they are. I also apply my long-held belief that all people are fundamentally good until proven otherwise. I can idolize people at times because I can see how great they are and their potential to be something even greater. This gets me in trouble, especially if I become disenchanted with them or they've rejected me in some way. I dislike not being able to love someone. In order to counteract my frustrating feelings, I start down the road to Apathy. Hello apathy, I don't like how I use you to deaden my feelings. So the 64 million dollar question is, how to stop the apathy, in the face of rejection. You act like you don't care but really you do care and quite deeply, too. The best way is to take a step back and analyze your feelings. Why did you love this person in the first place? What are you actually feeling? Often, unidentified or undetermined feelings will mask themselves as Apathy. I'm feeling sad because this person rejected me. I'm frustrated because I can't seem to find someone (male) I can connect with and have it mutual and meaningful, etc.
You can't just cut people out of your life. I mean, you can, but it just ain't pretty. God puts people in our life for reasons TBD but we must seek for understanding when the apathy kicks in. Ask yourself, what did I learn from this person by investing time in them and getting closer to them? Could I maintain a less emotionally connected relationship with them? (And by saying "relationship", I use the term very loosely) I'm not saying look at people as a means to an end, but rather as helpers in your journey of self-discovery. Maintain a proper perspective of your who, what, where, when and whys. This gives you a better understanding of them and you. It's very important to reach this point.
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So, I have this ability to know how to love people and love them quickly and deeply. How is this possible? It's just a gift. I rely on my keen sense of intuitiveness (not sure if that's even a word) to assess a person's core, what kind of person they are. I also apply my long-held belief that all people are fundamentally good until proven otherwise. I can idolize people at times because I can see how great they are and their potential to be something even greater. This gets me in trouble, especially if I become disenchanted with them or they've rejected me in some way. I dislike not being able to love someone. In order to counteract my frustrating feelings, I start down the road to Apathy. Hello apathy, I don't like how I use you to deaden my feelings. So the 64 million dollar question is, how to stop the apathy, in the face of rejection. You act like you don't care but really you do care and quite deeply, too. The best way is to take a step back and analyze your feelings. Why did you love this person in the first place? What are you actually feeling? Often, unidentified or undetermined feelings will mask themselves as Apathy. I'm feeling sad because this person rejected me. I'm frustrated because I can't seem to find someone (male) I can connect with and have it mutual and meaningful, etc.
You can't just cut people out of your life. I mean, you can, but it just ain't pretty. God puts people in our life for reasons TBD but we must seek for understanding when the apathy kicks in. Ask yourself, what did I learn from this person by investing time in them and getting closer to them? Could I maintain a less emotionally connected relationship with them? (And by saying "relationship", I use the term very loosely) I'm not saying look at people as a means to an end, but rather as helpers in your journey of self-discovery. Maintain a proper perspective of your who, what, where, when and whys. This gives you a better understanding of them and you. It's very important to reach this point.
Monday, July 29, 2013
self-loathing and body image
In a society of perfectionism, there are at least a half-million books, trends and ways The Self-Help selection on Amazon or your local bookstore should be indicative of that. We all want to be better but we cannot possibly be perfect. Even for a day.
I believe if we can't listen to our own minds and bodies and what they need to be healthy, then why should we listen to a complete stranger's opinion about them? All media has an agenda. Even good media for that matter.
My dear cousin Sara is a supporter of the beauty REDEFINED campaign. This link has some helpful strategies to help you feel your best. Guess what? They are real and they are nothing more than you would normally think to do. I'm lazy and things that take concerted effort generally tend to make me drag my feet. Let's just say I'm unmotivated.
I believe if we can't listen to our own minds and bodies and what they need to be healthy, then why should we listen to a complete stranger's opinion about them? All media has an agenda. Even good media for that matter.
My dear cousin Sara is a supporter of the beauty REDEFINED campaign. This link has some helpful strategies to help you feel your best. Guess what? They are real and they are nothing more than you would normally think to do. I'm lazy and things that take concerted effort generally tend to make me drag my feet. Let's just say I'm unmotivated.
Also here is an accompanying page that has strategies for guys who want to support the gals in their lives. I found them both to be really good practical solutions and strategies for creating a better mindset and world view of where true beauty lies.
The Power of Everyday Missionaries
This book changed the world. This book changed my life.
While this may be the more formal approach to sharing the gospel with people that doesn't make it any less effective. People read it and change their behaviors. Change their lives and standards of living. It is amazing. Formal proselyting is starting to become a thing of the past, but the real life blood of missionary work continues to move forward. This comes from member missionary work. The phrase makes me slightly cringe because I lack confidence in sharing the gospel effectively as a member. Well, all of that is about to change.
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| courtesy of mormonnewsroom.org |
While this may be the more formal approach to sharing the gospel with people that doesn't make it any less effective. People read it and change their behaviors. Change their lives and standards of living. It is amazing. Formal proselyting is starting to become a thing of the past, but the real life blood of missionary work continues to move forward. This comes from member missionary work. The phrase makes me slightly cringe because I lack confidence in sharing the gospel effectively as a member. Well, all of that is about to change.
This book is about to change my life, too. Only in a much different way. A way in which I can hope to be an effective member missionary and I won't be afraid to share what I absolutely love with the people who live near me.
Today we went up to my parents' house for a family council and my Dad pulled this book out and challenged us to read it and act on its' principles. I admire my Dad so much, because he never stopped being a missionary. He may not wear a tag, but he still makes it his priority to live the gospel and tell anyone who will listen, all about it. I have it with me right now and am going to break it in this week! I hope to find good things that will help me do better as a member missionary. Hopefully updates will come as a result of my readings!
mental benefits of service
(The lack of cohesiveness found in this post is due to the fact that I've been awake for 17 hours on only 5 hours of sleep. Whoops.)
I've been doing a lot of self-discovered lately. This includes understanding my personality type (ENFJ on the MBTI) and the traits that come naturally to it.(If you're not interested in personality mumbo-jumbo social science, now's the time to skip down to the "From Social Science to Religion" section. I won't be offended, I promise. :))
It's helped me see my behaviors as an integral part of my personality, not as serious mental disorders that need professional help. The acceptance of these behaviors as well as fellow types on ENFJ Forums helped me not to feel so isolated in my disappointment of self or in wondering why I do things a certain way. They are all parts of who I am and have decreased my self-loathing by a ton. Now, I realize that the science behind personality typology is not exact. However, the generalizations used have helped me draw conclusions about myself that I probably would not have come to if I had been pegged a certain type of personality with no other reasons why.
Some personality insight from the forums: one of the key behaviors for ENFJ happiness was reaching out to or helping others. It was listed as one of the greatest bringers of happiness for ENFJs. This same information showed that ENFJs could get dark thoughts about self (read: self-loathing thoughts) when they spent too much time by themselves and not enough time out helping other people. Well, what do you think? ::raises eyebrows:: It's all subjective.
Let's make the jump from Social Science to Religion.
The gospel of Jesus Christ is extremely service oriented, as the Savior was himself the servant of men. All my life I've been told that I need to be serving others. Scripture after scripture after scripture has been read, underlining my need to reach out to the one in service, kindness and love. There are commandments given to serve our fellow men. I have no problems choosing to obey the commandments and I do of my own will. Here's the LIGHTBULB. When I obey the commandment to serve others, not only am I fulfilling my spiritual health, BUT I am fulfilling my mental health as well. COOL, huh?!? When LDS leaders say "Keep the commandments and you will be blessed." it's not just spiritual, temporal or physical blessings. It's mental blessings as well. So much of time is spent thinking that we are mentally unwell just because our behaviors are "weird" or "unusual". We diagnose our behaviors as abnormal because we become isolated in our self-perception and have no correct reference for what regular or common behaviors in humans are who think like us.
I want to issue a challenge for you to get to know your personality (any way you want. no tests needed.) and then see how you can make service and keeping the commandments an extension of your personality. I'm going to work on that this week as this discovery has been pretty meaningful for me.
I've been doing a lot of self-discovered lately. This includes understanding my personality type (ENFJ on the MBTI) and the traits that come naturally to it.(If you're not interested in personality mumbo-jumbo social science, now's the time to skip down to the "From Social Science to Religion" section. I won't be offended, I promise. :))
It's helped me see my behaviors as an integral part of my personality, not as serious mental disorders that need professional help. The acceptance of these behaviors as well as fellow types on ENFJ Forums helped me not to feel so isolated in my disappointment of self or in wondering why I do things a certain way. They are all parts of who I am and have decreased my self-loathing by a ton. Now, I realize that the science behind personality typology is not exact. However, the generalizations used have helped me draw conclusions about myself that I probably would not have come to if I had been pegged a certain type of personality with no other reasons why.
Some personality insight from the forums: one of the key behaviors for ENFJ happiness was reaching out to or helping others. It was listed as one of the greatest bringers of happiness for ENFJs. This same information showed that ENFJs could get dark thoughts about self (read: self-loathing thoughts) when they spent too much time by themselves and not enough time out helping other people. Well, what do you think? ::raises eyebrows:: It's all subjective.
Let's make the jump from Social Science to Religion.
The gospel of Jesus Christ is extremely service oriented, as the Savior was himself the servant of men. All my life I've been told that I need to be serving others. Scripture after scripture after scripture has been read, underlining my need to reach out to the one in service, kindness and love. There are commandments given to serve our fellow men. I have no problems choosing to obey the commandments and I do of my own will. Here's the LIGHTBULB. When I obey the commandment to serve others, not only am I fulfilling my spiritual health, BUT I am fulfilling my mental health as well. COOL, huh?!? When LDS leaders say "Keep the commandments and you will be blessed." it's not just spiritual, temporal or physical blessings. It's mental blessings as well. So much of time is spent thinking that we are mentally unwell just because our behaviors are "weird" or "unusual". We diagnose our behaviors as abnormal because we become isolated in our self-perception and have no correct reference for what regular or common behaviors in humans are who think like us.
I want to issue a challenge for you to get to know your personality (any way you want. no tests needed.) and then see how you can make service and keeping the commandments an extension of your personality. I'm going to work on that this week as this discovery has been pretty meaningful for me.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Response to "How to Stop the Inner Cringe When Good Things Happen to Others" article
I was on Facebook today and I saw that my friend G had posted this article about stopping ourselves from inner cringing when other people have success and then asked for additional thoughts and resources. Usually, I hesitate to voice a long-winded opinion on Facebook or any social forum, unless I know it will either it will significantly contribute or go uncontested (how nice of me). However, this presented no danger to me and I started typing my feelings on the subject until they filled the box and discovered I had a soapbox! I decided a blog post would be more appropriate than a mile-long Fb post. So, with that, here are my thoughts:
Yes, this happens almost daily on social networks anywhere in the world. Why so confident? We're human. All hardwired with the same set of emotions and feelings, differing only by the gradient of their expression. I very much agreed with the strategies given in this article and I use several on myself. Here are similar thoughts and strategies I've used when I'm feeling that inner cringe:
Yes, this happens almost daily on social networks anywhere in the world. Why so confident? We're human. All hardwired with the same set of emotions and feelings, differing only by the gradient of their expression. I very much agreed with the strategies given in this article and I use several on myself. Here are similar thoughts and strategies I've used when I'm feeling that inner cringe:
-People live their lives at different paces. Stop believing
that everyone goes through life stages or passes milestones at the same time in
their lives. Don't expect that just because Joe/Jane Facebook has passed Life
Stage X that you need to be there, too. Maybe you're at Life Stage Q, so what?
There is nothing bad or wrong with you for being there.
-Enjoy your life where you're at. You’re here, make the best
of it. Quit wishing it was or was not you. Are you in place in your life where
you could make something like that happen to you? Do you actually want that to
happen to you? Don’t wish your life away. It does nothing but make you unhappy.
-Stop comparing lives. Each life is an independent experience.
Your life is not their life. Nor will it be anything like theirs because you’re
not them. Your brain and how it processes is uniquely yours. Unless you’re a
clone- and even then, not even close, you’ll still be different. Your life will
not be the same as anyone else’s, no matter how closely your experiences mirror
each other.
-Be authentic. Be reasonable. Don’t create false
expectations of life in or for yourself.
-It important to be positive. Our minds LOVE to dwell on the
negative and for whatever reason it seems to stick with us the most. Studies have
shown (Gottman, 1994) that it takes 5 positive experiences to counter 1
negative experience. I find that when I surround myself with positive
experiences I’m less likely to care about what I don’t have or be envious of
others. People get envious because they are not happy in their own lives. They forget
the good things that have happened to them lately (it could’ve been last week
or yesterday, even).
-Realize that YOU create your life by your choices: past, present and future. Life doesn’t just happen, you make it happen. Any discrepancies that come are either because of your choice or the choices of someone else. Life is not fair. Life is not equal. You have a choice, but so does everyone else.
If you need to delve deeper:
-Ask yourself questions: What are your strengths? Talents? What is your purpose? Are you doing these things?
-Realize that YOU create your life by your choices: past, present and future. Life doesn’t just happen, you make it happen. Any discrepancies that come are either because of your choice or the choices of someone else. Life is not fair. Life is not equal. You have a choice, but so does everyone else.
If you need to delve deeper:
-Ask yourself questions: What are your strengths? Talents? What is your purpose? Are you doing these things?
So, anytime you start to feel the cringe, stop yourself and do these instead. BAM. Do it.
Friday, July 12, 2013
A new awakening
Today, I start a new journey. I had an awakening and realized that I need to stop a habit I've had for 19 years. I have been told time and time again to stop doing it, but this time I choose to stop it. For me. Not because someone else told me to (how stubbornly independent of me ;)).
This is a battle against self-loathing.
Self-loathing in any extremity is harmful physically, emotionally and spiritually. While I haven't resorted to defiling my body, I still have a healthy amount of self-loathing. Now, don't get me wrong, there are things about me that I absolutely love, but these things have come because of great roommates and friends who have supported me and helped me to see truth for what it is. Of who I am, what my strengths are, where my talents lie, what things I'm really good at. On a spiritual level, it's been said that if we really knew who we are, that we are literal children of our Heavenly Father and that He is our divine father, that we would have no cause to doubt in ourselves or our abilities and talents (paraphrased). To this end, I say that I believed that God was my spirit's father, but in no way could that be connect to me and my flawed physical body and mind with mortal limitations.
I felt like I heard every piece of advice and thoughts on the subject, almost to the point of exhaustion. Yet, still I have my bad days when self-loathing comes in kicks up some dust in my life.
Here's where I came to an awakening. Today, a lovely lady named Lannette, lost her battle with cancer and passed away. This lady had a very meaningful place in my life. I didn't realize it until today. She wasn't a relative. She was a family friend and a fellow member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints who lived my ward in Southern California. She was a bus driver for a school district and I was one of the kids she drove to Kindergarten every day. Later, she was my Merrie Miss leader (now called Achievement Day leader) when I was 11 years old. As I think back on how she influenced my life, I am awed by what she did. I was an awkward and gawky 11 year old. I had big feet, I was too tall and too book smart for my own good. I wore hand-me-downs and my wore my very long hair in a braid or a messy ponytail. I didn't fit in with the rest of the 11 year old girls in my group. I was homeschooled, sheltered and very naÃŊve about the things of life but acted as if I was more mature than "those silly girls". My life didn't revolve around my style of clothing, if I wore makeup, painted my nails or if "so-and-so" was cute or liked me. I was absorbed in my world of books and imagination. I loved historical fiction and found myself dreaming as if I were Betsy Ray, Anne of Green Gables or Laura Ingalls Wilder. I was everywhere but here. I didn't want to be here. I felt like few if any of the girls liked me or wanted to like me. They were nice enough, but I was paranoid about whispers and giggles. I knew they were talking about me, they were laughing at me because I was different. I wasn't like them. Or were they really? I honestly don't remember if that was a reality or if it was all in my head. While I resented them for a long time because of it, I realized that I also resented myself. I didn't fit the model. I wasn't like the rest of the girls and it was very painful for me. I wanted to belong, I wanted to fit in. I couldn't make it work. What did it matter anyway?
Lannette was very kind and funny. She had the coolest and largest collection of porcelain dolls I'd ever seen. She would always let me help her and we'd always have chats when I got upset from being teased about my looks, clothes and the big words that came out of my mouth. There were days when I didn't want to go to Merrie Miss days, but Lannette always made sure to personally invite me. Perhaps she saw that I needed her love. She didn't necessary know that it might have been the beginnings of my self-loathing, but she understood that I needed encouragement and support and love. For this I am eternally grateful. As I think back over my teenage years, I am grateful for every woman who taught me, counseled with me, spent time and loved me in spite of my self-loathing. Cheryl, Meri, Patti, Jenn, Mary, Jenifer, Connie, Kathy, Valerie, Karen, Laura and Kristen. I'm sure there are so many more women than that who added to my strength, but these ladies in particular were very impactful.
So, why do I self-loathe?
It starts in comparing yourself to others. You look for not what you have in common, but what you lack, why you aren't like them. In my case, I was always one step behind. Never on the same page. Never in reality. I figured if I didn't like myself, nobody else would either and they would always be looking for opportunities to get rid of me. Just like when I was 11. So, with exception to the kindest souls, I pushed people away from me because of hurt, sadness and anger.
Not the best course of action. It has taken me reading books on accepting and loving yourself, taking personality tests to identify the positive traits in me, many talks with trusted friends, roommates and family, spiritual development in my true identity as a daughter of God and many more things to get me to a healthy perspective of where I am in my self-loathing and what else I need to get rid of so I can be a healthy thinker with a positive outlook.
I intend to make this a blog of accountability, so when I feel self-loathing I will post it so I can see it for what it is and get rid of it. Wish me good luck. ::Salutes::
This is a battle against self-loathing.
Self-loathing in any extremity is harmful physically, emotionally and spiritually. While I haven't resorted to defiling my body, I still have a healthy amount of self-loathing. Now, don't get me wrong, there are things about me that I absolutely love, but these things have come because of great roommates and friends who have supported me and helped me to see truth for what it is. Of who I am, what my strengths are, where my talents lie, what things I'm really good at. On a spiritual level, it's been said that if we really knew who we are, that we are literal children of our Heavenly Father and that He is our divine father, that we would have no cause to doubt in ourselves or our abilities and talents (paraphrased). To this end, I say that I believed that God was my spirit's father, but in no way could that be connect to me and my flawed physical body and mind with mortal limitations.
I felt like I heard every piece of advice and thoughts on the subject, almost to the point of exhaustion. Yet, still I have my bad days when self-loathing comes in kicks up some dust in my life.
Here's where I came to an awakening. Today, a lovely lady named Lannette, lost her battle with cancer and passed away. This lady had a very meaningful place in my life. I didn't realize it until today. She wasn't a relative. She was a family friend and a fellow member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints who lived my ward in Southern California. She was a bus driver for a school district and I was one of the kids she drove to Kindergarten every day. Later, she was my Merrie Miss leader (now called Achievement Day leader) when I was 11 years old. As I think back on how she influenced my life, I am awed by what she did. I was an awkward and gawky 11 year old. I had big feet, I was too tall and too book smart for my own good. I wore hand-me-downs and my wore my very long hair in a braid or a messy ponytail. I didn't fit in with the rest of the 11 year old girls in my group. I was homeschooled, sheltered and very naÃŊve about the things of life but acted as if I was more mature than "those silly girls". My life didn't revolve around my style of clothing, if I wore makeup, painted my nails or if "so-and-so" was cute or liked me. I was absorbed in my world of books and imagination. I loved historical fiction and found myself dreaming as if I were Betsy Ray, Anne of Green Gables or Laura Ingalls Wilder. I was everywhere but here. I didn't want to be here. I felt like few if any of the girls liked me or wanted to like me. They were nice enough, but I was paranoid about whispers and giggles. I knew they were talking about me, they were laughing at me because I was different. I wasn't like them. Or were they really? I honestly don't remember if that was a reality or if it was all in my head. While I resented them for a long time because of it, I realized that I also resented myself. I didn't fit the model. I wasn't like the rest of the girls and it was very painful for me. I wanted to belong, I wanted to fit in. I couldn't make it work. What did it matter anyway?
Lannette was very kind and funny. She had the coolest and largest collection of porcelain dolls I'd ever seen. She would always let me help her and we'd always have chats when I got upset from being teased about my looks, clothes and the big words that came out of my mouth. There were days when I didn't want to go to Merrie Miss days, but Lannette always made sure to personally invite me. Perhaps she saw that I needed her love. She didn't necessary know that it might have been the beginnings of my self-loathing, but she understood that I needed encouragement and support and love. For this I am eternally grateful. As I think back over my teenage years, I am grateful for every woman who taught me, counseled with me, spent time and loved me in spite of my self-loathing. Cheryl, Meri, Patti, Jenn, Mary, Jenifer, Connie, Kathy, Valerie, Karen, Laura and Kristen. I'm sure there are so many more women than that who added to my strength, but these ladies in particular were very impactful.
So, why do I self-loathe?
It starts in comparing yourself to others. You look for not what you have in common, but what you lack, why you aren't like them. In my case, I was always one step behind. Never on the same page. Never in reality. I figured if I didn't like myself, nobody else would either and they would always be looking for opportunities to get rid of me. Just like when I was 11. So, with exception to the kindest souls, I pushed people away from me because of hurt, sadness and anger.
Not the best course of action. It has taken me reading books on accepting and loving yourself, taking personality tests to identify the positive traits in me, many talks with trusted friends, roommates and family, spiritual development in my true identity as a daughter of God and many more things to get me to a healthy perspective of where I am in my self-loathing and what else I need to get rid of so I can be a healthy thinker with a positive outlook.
I intend to make this a blog of accountability, so when I feel self-loathing I will post it so I can see it for what it is and get rid of it. Wish me good luck. ::Salutes::
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
It's only platonic...right?
Warning: this post contains the hormonal rantings of a confused and emotionally charged woman. Read at your own risk. Skip if you need to.
Last night I received the best back and head massage ever. Normally, I don't like back massages except from close girl friends and even then I'm super picky because I'm such a wimp. Anyway, this massage was from a guy. Not just any guy, no. It happened to be the dude I'm attracted to right now. In fact, let's call him Dude. Before you get any ideas, understand that Dude is touchy feely by nature with most girls (which is kind of a problem because he doesn't always understand space issues for some girls). But honestly, that back massage was just right. Like Baby Bear's porridge. As if I was giving myself one. Also, because I believe in the law of reciprocity (or so I told him) I gave him one in return. My best work, of course. Dude mentioned in the middle of it, that maybe he got the better end of the deal. Haha. I'm awesome.
My problem? In my opinion, I enjoyed them more than I should have. I was very verbal about how much I appreciated what Dude was doing and how much I liked it. That's not a problem, what's that you say? Back massages are only platonic? Oh, how I wish I could say that's how it was for me. A back massage is an act of kindness and love for that person. It's difficult for me not to want to transfer those feelings of "oh hey, that's really sweet and kind of you" from platonic to the next level. I realize I still don't know him that well, but I want to now. After 7-8 months of knowing Dude and making fun of him (mostly without his knowledge) for being such a spaz, I want to actually get to know him.
The heart does weird stuff, man.
I think Dude's realized that my attitude about him has changed. For the time being, I'm getting some nice hugs initiated by him. I've actually made efforts to talk to him like a real person. Imagine that? Dude, you did not help my crush. You made it worse by enhancing it. This was a meaningful connection to me. The other was a 4 wheeler ride I took with him a couple weeks ago.
Hold up. I suppose I should give you some background on this (for those whom I have not told the story). The rest of you can skip down to the paragraph starting with "Again, a meaningful..."
Bishopric FHE, up at Brother Hyde's, who has a lot of land around his house. He has an all terrain vehicle (the Zephyr) and a decently powered four-wheeler. Originally, Dude was giving rides to any girls that wanted to in the Zephyr, but it turned into a 4 wheeler ride when the Zephyr was being used by someone else and had not returned yet. Dude was hesitant to get on the 4-wheeler and started self-talk rambling (like he does frequently), "No, no, I shouldn't go on a 4-wheeler ride with someone I don't know very well..." I assured him that it would be okay, that I was fine with 4-wheelers and such. (I had lost my mind at that point. I haven't been on a 4-wheeler ride in years. It's not exactly my favorite.) It didn't take very much to convince him. So I climbed on behind him and held on to the rack behind me. I'm not the type to be like, (insert high-pitched voice): "oh hey let me put my arms around you, tee-hee, oh my, I'm scared! let me hold you tighter!" Yeah. That's not me. I'm too dang independent. So Dude takes off, PDQ. I'm terrified. I don't want to fall. I'm like, okay, these bars are sturdy but I'm gonna fall off this 4-wheeler backwards if I don't put at least one arm around Dude. So out of self-preservation, I put one arm around Dude. Dude goes faster, naturally (darn him). Still stubbornly clinging to the rack bar, with the other hand and the strange "I can't hold on to a body, it's not secure" idea. Dude glances over his shoulder once. Dude, glances over his shoulder twice. I'm thinking "Dude, what are you doing? Keep your eyes on the road!" but I say nothing. Third time, Dude looks back, grabs my hand off the bar and pulls it around his waist to join the other one. Welp. I'm where I wanted to be in the deepest part of my soul but was too terrified to do otherwise. It was so thrilling. The wind whipping through my hair, the speed, my adrenaline and the fact that my arms were around the guy I liked. (Yeah, I don't get out that much.) Dude was crazy, he was going off jumps (we got air, I was terrified), climbing steep hills and going down 4 foot embankments. It was muddy, but it was fantastic. Then we returned and the Zephyr was free and Dude without hesitation was just like "Let's go!" and because I didn't have time to think and only wanted to spend time with him, I pushed past my fear and went. Dude was a little crazier because the Zephyr had seatbelts and an "Oh CRAP!" bar I could hang on to. But it was so fun and I relished that time with him.
Again, a meaningful connection with very close proximity. It's only platonic, right? Say that to me when the romantic in me is yelling "Frack no!" and searching for anything to connect us. Yes, I sound like a crazy woman. I'm very guarded about guys touching me or hugging me unless I know the boundaries very clearly. I get "ideas and start thinking..." "Why Catie, you're positively primeval!" (B&tB, anyone?) Basically, physical touch is HUGE for me. It's one of my "languages of love" (said in a high-pitched mocking tone, complete with eye roll).
I am SO bad at showing a guy I like him!! Rough rule!!! Fail!! Yeah we had a hug last night (hello hug, way before the back massage), I went in from the side and he gave a full on hug and in my head I was like "Wow, screwed that one up." To make matters worse, it's that time where my hormones are every which way. I just don't understand. Well, I do. I like him a lot more. He's a goob, but he's an increasingly cute goob. Dangiiiit. I hate it when I like guys because I lose my everloving mind.
I want to kiss Dude's face off. Hard core. Stupid hormones. Yeah, I know its not wrong to want this. My feelings are only natural. I just wish they weren't so intense. But who am I? I'm an intense person. I cannot defy how I am hardwired without there being some level of difficulty. I think I need to give it a couple of days until I return to a normal mindset and see how I feel. That's thing, though! Normally, during this time, guys are THE LAST thing I wanna be around. With him, I want to be with him, even though I feel like the Goodyear Blimp and my insides want to be on my outsides. I'm terrified of being rejected. But I realize I'm terrified to commit to something as well if I'm not sure about it. Groan, moan, complain and witch. That's how I feel when I'm in a sitch.
Thanks for letting me vent. At least these thoughts won't be wandering around in my brain knocking over trash cans and scaring cats like an inebriate.
Catie out.
Last night I received the best back and head massage ever. Normally, I don't like back massages except from close girl friends and even then I'm super picky because I'm such a wimp. Anyway, this massage was from a guy. Not just any guy, no. It happened to be the dude I'm attracted to right now. In fact, let's call him Dude. Before you get any ideas, understand that Dude is touchy feely by nature with most girls (which is kind of a problem because he doesn't always understand space issues for some girls). But honestly, that back massage was just right. Like Baby Bear's porridge. As if I was giving myself one. Also, because I believe in the law of reciprocity (or so I told him) I gave him one in return. My best work, of course. Dude mentioned in the middle of it, that maybe he got the better end of the deal. Haha. I'm awesome.
My problem? In my opinion, I enjoyed them more than I should have. I was very verbal about how much I appreciated what Dude was doing and how much I liked it. That's not a problem, what's that you say? Back massages are only platonic? Oh, how I wish I could say that's how it was for me. A back massage is an act of kindness and love for that person. It's difficult for me not to want to transfer those feelings of "oh hey, that's really sweet and kind of you" from platonic to the next level. I realize I still don't know him that well, but I want to now. After 7-8 months of knowing Dude and making fun of him (mostly without his knowledge) for being such a spaz, I want to actually get to know him.
The heart does weird stuff, man.
I think Dude's realized that my attitude about him has changed. For the time being, I'm getting some nice hugs initiated by him. I've actually made efforts to talk to him like a real person. Imagine that? Dude, you did not help my crush. You made it worse by enhancing it. This was a meaningful connection to me. The other was a 4 wheeler ride I took with him a couple weeks ago.
Hold up. I suppose I should give you some background on this (for those whom I have not told the story). The rest of you can skip down to the paragraph starting with "Again, a meaningful..."
Bishopric FHE, up at Brother Hyde's, who has a lot of land around his house. He has an all terrain vehicle (the Zephyr) and a decently powered four-wheeler. Originally, Dude was giving rides to any girls that wanted to in the Zephyr, but it turned into a 4 wheeler ride when the Zephyr was being used by someone else and had not returned yet. Dude was hesitant to get on the 4-wheeler and started self-talk rambling (like he does frequently), "No, no, I shouldn't go on a 4-wheeler ride with someone I don't know very well..." I assured him that it would be okay, that I was fine with 4-wheelers and such. (I had lost my mind at that point. I haven't been on a 4-wheeler ride in years. It's not exactly my favorite.) It didn't take very much to convince him. So I climbed on behind him and held on to the rack behind me. I'm not the type to be like, (insert high-pitched voice): "oh hey let me put my arms around you, tee-hee, oh my, I'm scared! let me hold you tighter!" Yeah. That's not me. I'm too dang independent. So Dude takes off, PDQ. I'm terrified. I don't want to fall. I'm like, okay, these bars are sturdy but I'm gonna fall off this 4-wheeler backwards if I don't put at least one arm around Dude. So out of self-preservation, I put one arm around Dude. Dude goes faster, naturally (darn him). Still stubbornly clinging to the rack bar, with the other hand and the strange "I can't hold on to a body, it's not secure" idea. Dude glances over his shoulder once. Dude, glances over his shoulder twice. I'm thinking "Dude, what are you doing? Keep your eyes on the road!" but I say nothing. Third time, Dude looks back, grabs my hand off the bar and pulls it around his waist to join the other one. Welp. I'm where I wanted to be in the deepest part of my soul but was too terrified to do otherwise. It was so thrilling. The wind whipping through my hair, the speed, my adrenaline and the fact that my arms were around the guy I liked. (Yeah, I don't get out that much.) Dude was crazy, he was going off jumps (we got air, I was terrified), climbing steep hills and going down 4 foot embankments. It was muddy, but it was fantastic. Then we returned and the Zephyr was free and Dude without hesitation was just like "Let's go!" and because I didn't have time to think and only wanted to spend time with him, I pushed past my fear and went. Dude was a little crazier because the Zephyr had seatbelts and an "Oh CRAP!" bar I could hang on to. But it was so fun and I relished that time with him.
Again, a meaningful connection with very close proximity. It's only platonic, right? Say that to me when the romantic in me is yelling "Frack no!" and searching for anything to connect us. Yes, I sound like a crazy woman. I'm very guarded about guys touching me or hugging me unless I know the boundaries very clearly. I get "ideas and start thinking..." "Why Catie, you're positively primeval!" (B&tB, anyone?) Basically, physical touch is HUGE for me. It's one of my "languages of love" (said in a high-pitched mocking tone, complete with eye roll).
I am SO bad at showing a guy I like him!! Rough rule!!! Fail!! Yeah we had a hug last night (hello hug, way before the back massage), I went in from the side and he gave a full on hug and in my head I was like "Wow, screwed that one up." To make matters worse, it's that time where my hormones are every which way. I just don't understand. Well, I do. I like him a lot more. He's a goob, but he's an increasingly cute goob. Dangiiiit. I hate it when I like guys because I lose my everloving mind.
I want to kiss Dude's face off. Hard core. Stupid hormones. Yeah, I know its not wrong to want this. My feelings are only natural. I just wish they weren't so intense. But who am I? I'm an intense person. I cannot defy how I am hardwired without there being some level of difficulty. I think I need to give it a couple of days until I return to a normal mindset and see how I feel. That's thing, though! Normally, during this time, guys are THE LAST thing I wanna be around. With him, I want to be with him, even though I feel like the Goodyear Blimp and my insides want to be on my outsides. I'm terrified of being rejected. But I realize I'm terrified to commit to something as well if I'm not sure about it. Groan, moan, complain and witch. That's how I feel when I'm in a sitch.
Thanks for letting me vent. At least these thoughts won't be wandering around in my brain knocking over trash cans and scaring cats like an inebriate.
Catie out.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
There is a season
Referring both to the song and the scriptural psalm, I've come to a realization. Today I attended the Provo temple, like I do most Saturdays. This time it was not only to do work for my kindred dead, but also to seek counsel from God.
My realization is this: I'm at a new season in my life. I have decided that I'm not going to be a temple worker anymore. After almost five years serving at the Provo temple, I know the Lord needs me to serve elsewhere. This wasn't an easy decision but I know it needs to happen. I love the temple with all my heart and I know it's God's house. I have definitely strengthened my testimony in this aspect.
I know a few people who will be sad, like my dad, but I honestly feel its for the best.
As for the work front, I have 13 days until I'm completely done with school and my job and stuff. I've found some potential jobs that I'm considering applying for. I'll still get summer checks but I want to have a job lined up for the fall or sooner.
I'm grateful for the incredible peace I'm feeling because I know it won't last forever.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
for one who craves constancy, why am I so eager for change?
Perhaps my title makes no sense. And perhaps it does.
Today, two significant things happened in my life.
First, my sister Hannah reported to the Missionary Training Center here in Provo. She has begun her journey as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints and I won't get to be with her for 18 months. The people in the Vladivostok, Russia Mission are getting a fantastic missionary. I however, will miss Hannah SO much. She has been such a constant in my life and now she is somewhere else. This is hard for me. Yes, it's not the first missionary to serve from my family, but it is the first girl. Also, I practically raised Hannah and so perhaps it might be for good reason that it's hard for me. There were no tears when we were saying goodbye, but a big empty pit was in my stomach. I repressed those feelings because I knew she needed a joyful and happy send off.
Truth is, I will miss her like crazy.
The modern miracle of technology will keep us updated and close but it's not the same.
I have always had a tough time parting ways with people I hold dear, even if it's only temporary. I am acknowledging my feelings because I know it's healthy AND I probably should practice the tactics I coach my preschoolers to use. That it's okay to be sad sometimes. It's okay to cry. Everyone does. If there is a problem, I am responsible to solve it OR to find someone who can assist me in solving it. Today is a day of missing someone who is incredibly awesome and a pillar of strength in my life.
But Catie, she's still in Provo for 9 weeks. She won't leave for Russia until then. you say?
By not having instant access to her, she might as well already BE in Russia. It's a tough case. I'm super super close to my parents and my sibs. We are very tight knit. When one of us cannot be with us, it feels strange and empty without them. Anyway, enough of the depressing diatribe.
Secondly, I submitted my letter of intent to work form to my agency and indicated that I would not be coming back in the fall. I recieved a phone call at work from HR requesting that I submit my "two-weeks-notice" letter as it were. THIS. IS. HUGE. I have worked for this agency for four years. My intensive labor of love is coming to a close. I'm making a large change in my life. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
Frankly, I'm TERRIFIED.
I have been job searching but the catch is finding a job working with children at another place where I get paid as much as I do currently (which income still qualifies for low income assistance programs) or have benefits. I still wish to work with children, but I enjoy watching them learn new things and grasp concepts, not assessing them to death. I could take two part time jobs. As of right now, the job search is a big, black, fat question mark.
I didn't realize until about a half hour ago, why I was so hyper-sensitive to everyone and everything. It's because the constancy quality of my life, that gives me stability is changing and I didn't adequately prepare myself for it. Okay, I didn't even think about the ramifications of how I would feel.
I'm 30 years old, you'd think I'd have some kind of handle on my emotions by now.
Nope, still working on it.
I also find myself having a crush on a guy that I have pretty much poked fun of (not always to his knowledge) for the past 7-8 months that I've known him.
Yeah. Still trying to figure THAT one out.
I can't even tell my sister because I'm afraid she will make fun of me for it or tell me to be careful or something. I dunno.
See? I'm way way way more insecure than I ever wanted to be. This just sucks. I HATE this feeling of not knowing what to do in any situation. My family places a high value on being prepared to handle situations when they come, being knowledgeable and making informed choices. So for me to feel exposed, insecure and vulnerable, it defies everything I value and believe in.
(reader comments on how being vulnerable is important)
Smart Aleck Retort: So if it's so important, why the heck is it so hard to do?!?
Stress, my old friend. Not good to see you again. EVER.
The Sticky Notes in my mind are not faring well. I feel like someone has been in there with a leaf blower.
::head desk::
Goodnight Nurse. I need help.
If you are a person inclined to pray, please do so for me. I need to get my head screwed on right again. Is there any way I can get beyond total upheaval of my life every time something significant happens? If you can think of any for my sad little ISFJ personality, please send them my way. They will be appreciated and considered.
Sincerely Yours,
Cate
Today, two significant things happened in my life.
First, my sister Hannah reported to the Missionary Training Center here in Provo. She has begun her journey as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints and I won't get to be with her for 18 months. The people in the Vladivostok, Russia Mission are getting a fantastic missionary. I however, will miss Hannah SO much. She has been such a constant in my life and now she is somewhere else. This is hard for me. Yes, it's not the first missionary to serve from my family, but it is the first girl. Also, I practically raised Hannah and so perhaps it might be for good reason that it's hard for me. There were no tears when we were saying goodbye, but a big empty pit was in my stomach. I repressed those feelings because I knew she needed a joyful and happy send off.
Truth is, I will miss her like crazy.
The modern miracle of technology will keep us updated and close but it's not the same.
I have always had a tough time parting ways with people I hold dear, even if it's only temporary. I am acknowledging my feelings because I know it's healthy AND I probably should practice the tactics I coach my preschoolers to use. That it's okay to be sad sometimes. It's okay to cry. Everyone does. If there is a problem, I am responsible to solve it OR to find someone who can assist me in solving it. Today is a day of missing someone who is incredibly awesome and a pillar of strength in my life.
But Catie, she's still in Provo for 9 weeks. She won't leave for Russia until then. you say?
By not having instant access to her, she might as well already BE in Russia. It's a tough case. I'm super super close to my parents and my sibs. We are very tight knit. When one of us cannot be with us, it feels strange and empty without them. Anyway, enough of the depressing diatribe.
Secondly, I submitted my letter of intent to work form to my agency and indicated that I would not be coming back in the fall. I recieved a phone call at work from HR requesting that I submit my "two-weeks-notice" letter as it were. THIS. IS. HUGE. I have worked for this agency for four years. My intensive labor of love is coming to a close. I'm making a large change in my life. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
Frankly, I'm TERRIFIED.
I have been job searching but the catch is finding a job working with children at another place where I get paid as much as I do currently (which income still qualifies for low income assistance programs) or have benefits. I still wish to work with children, but I enjoy watching them learn new things and grasp concepts, not assessing them to death. I could take two part time jobs. As of right now, the job search is a big, black, fat question mark.
I didn't realize until about a half hour ago, why I was so hyper-sensitive to everyone and everything. It's because the constancy quality of my life, that gives me stability is changing and I didn't adequately prepare myself for it. Okay, I didn't even think about the ramifications of how I would feel.
I'm 30 years old, you'd think I'd have some kind of handle on my emotions by now.
Nope, still working on it.
I also find myself having a crush on a guy that I have pretty much poked fun of (not always to his knowledge) for the past 7-8 months that I've known him.
Yeah. Still trying to figure THAT one out.
I can't even tell my sister because I'm afraid she will make fun of me for it or tell me to be careful or something. I dunno.
See? I'm way way way more insecure than I ever wanted to be. This just sucks. I HATE this feeling of not knowing what to do in any situation. My family places a high value on being prepared to handle situations when they come, being knowledgeable and making informed choices. So for me to feel exposed, insecure and vulnerable, it defies everything I value and believe in.
(reader comments on how being vulnerable is important)
Smart Aleck Retort: So if it's so important, why the heck is it so hard to do?!?
Stress, my old friend. Not good to see you again. EVER.
The Sticky Notes in my mind are not faring well. I feel like someone has been in there with a leaf blower.
::head desk::
Goodnight Nurse. I need help.
If you are a person inclined to pray, please do so for me. I need to get my head screwed on right again. Is there any way I can get beyond total upheaval of my life every time something significant happens? If you can think of any for my sad little ISFJ personality, please send them my way. They will be appreciated and considered.
Sincerely Yours,
Cate
Monday, March 4, 2013
Facing my barriers from happiness
"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others, cannot keep it from themselves." - James M. Barrie (yes, I know, he wrote Peter Pan- he's fabulous.)
Today I have a random Staff Development Day, so I don't have to work. For whatever reason that is, I am grateful because I really needed time to detox from my party heavy birthday weekend. Well folks, I'm in the third decade of my life now. I am officially 30 years old according to public record. What a grand 30 years it's been. I am at a point in my life where I look good, I feel good and I'm finally starting to be at peace with myself.
When I was little, I thought chronological age must be tied to experience and maturity. It's now clicking that those two things are not related to age at all. I've got a really slow learning curve. Anyway, I spent the weekend of my birthday (which was yesterday) with family and friends, good food, dancing and general happiness. I don't think I've felt so loved and cared about in my entire life. It makes me get kinda choked up thinking about it.
I have always had a hard time celebrating myself and seeing the good in myself. I don't necessarily know why, but I just always have. I think it's taken me until now to realize that all the good things that I see in others, they see that in me too. I like JM Barrie's quote because it made me realize that as I bring sunshine, I will get it back. This is a good thing, as I constantly strive for sunshine and feeling loved and cared about.
I have a person in my life who is pretty close to me. We have had some good chats and I know that he cares a lot about me and is helping and empowering me to face my limiting beliefs and problems and work through them. He believes in me and knows that I can do it and wants to help. I care about him a ton, but struggle expressing it (see problems). I am just beginning to work on my limiting beliefs and I feel like I'm not going to move anywhere until get through at least some of them. He gave me a formula to work from and I'm gonna try it. Although it's been about a week since we talked and his explanation is getting kind of hazy. Guess I'll just have to talk with him again. Why is it so hard to go to people for help, even though you know they've been willing to help you before? shrugs
Today I have a random Staff Development Day, so I don't have to work. For whatever reason that is, I am grateful because I really needed time to detox from my party heavy birthday weekend. Well folks, I'm in the third decade of my life now. I am officially 30 years old according to public record. What a grand 30 years it's been. I am at a point in my life where I look good, I feel good and I'm finally starting to be at peace with myself.
When I was little, I thought chronological age must be tied to experience and maturity. It's now clicking that those two things are not related to age at all. I've got a really slow learning curve. Anyway, I spent the weekend of my birthday (which was yesterday) with family and friends, good food, dancing and general happiness. I don't think I've felt so loved and cared about in my entire life. It makes me get kinda choked up thinking about it.
I have always had a hard time celebrating myself and seeing the good in myself. I don't necessarily know why, but I just always have. I think it's taken me until now to realize that all the good things that I see in others, they see that in me too. I like JM Barrie's quote because it made me realize that as I bring sunshine, I will get it back. This is a good thing, as I constantly strive for sunshine and feeling loved and cared about.
I have a person in my life who is pretty close to me. We have had some good chats and I know that he cares a lot about me and is helping and empowering me to face my limiting beliefs and problems and work through them. He believes in me and knows that I can do it and wants to help. I care about him a ton, but struggle expressing it (see problems). I am just beginning to work on my limiting beliefs and I feel like I'm not going to move anywhere until get through at least some of them. He gave me a formula to work from and I'm gonna try it. Although it's been about a week since we talked and his explanation is getting kind of hazy. Guess I'll just have to talk with him again. Why is it so hard to go to people for help, even though you know they've been willing to help you before? shrugs
Friday, February 22, 2013
Junk Drawer Catch up
Blogging has never been my strong point. For some reason, the thought of writing down all my thoughts for ALL the interwebs to read has never strongly appealed to me. I'm an active sharer on Facebook though, go figure. I guess I believe that when I feel inclined to blog, it's a whiny post. Perhaps I should realize that DUH, blogs were created for people to express their feelings in a positive outlet.
People read blogs because they're interested in topic matter and curious about the life happenings of others. I have a hard time sharing certain elements of my life. Mostly, because I can't seem to get past particularly difficult issues. My perception is this: Anyone following me: "There was a post about this last time! Can't she get past this already?!" People choose to follow my blog so perhaps I should say, read at your own risk.
I read a blog post of a friend recently where I learned that she struggled with some particularly difficult diseases. It surprised me and I gained a new level of respect for her. Her behaviors made more sense and I definitely have empathy for her. I figure if she can complain on the internet, it's okay for me to complain.
OH yeah.
So the grad school path has kind of faded in that I have no idea where I'm going in my life since I was denied admission to grad school at BYU and that was my Plan A. Not to worry, I do have a Plan B but it's a bit fuzzy. I have a general outline, but honestly, I'm just living day to day and I have no idea what the future may hold. I might stay on at my job, or get a new one. The job market right now isn't looking particularly tempting but that could all change by this spring/summer.
Also, this next weekend, I reach 3 decades of life. My birthday is on the 3rd and wouldn't you know it? I'm turning 30 years old. Man, that went quick. As I look back, I unfortunately see a lot of unnecessary worrying. Yeah, does anyone know about how to get rid of that? It sure would help me out, thanks. I'm seriously considering looking into some self-help books, but I don't think I'm disciplined enough to follow any special "plan". Also, there's the age-old struggle for perfectionism. I want to do everything, be everything- but I can't. And this frustrates me. There are spiritual remedies as well, I know. I'm working on them too. My perceptions of what actually happens in my life are only about 60-70% correct. I would love it if I could improve that percentage.
I'm back to my favorite beef of a problem. Me, viewing myself as less because of my health problems. I really need to stop this practice. In my singles ward, we have the practice of writing nice notes. I like this a lot. This weekend I received a very thoughtful and anonymous one from someone in my ward that really put some perspective back into my life. They saw the root of my problem and set to correct me in a kindly way.
If I were to try and paraphrase the note to you it would not do it justice. So here's a pic and I'll even type it up for ya in case you can't read it. See? Aren't I nice? :)
I am very fortunate that my situation is not worse than it is. I am very blessed to have medication that works, family that is close and that watch out for me. I feel bad for my sister Sarah, because she has kinda taken the caretaker role. I'm glad she watches out for me, but sometimes I feel like she takes way too much upon herself. I'm a big girl. I don't need someone to take care of me, but she does it anyway. Let's just say she can't wait until I get married. No pressure, men.
That's another thing. I see myself as a liability, not an asset. I've kind of felt that way since I was diagnosed with Epilepsy 15 years ago. No man wants a liability. I've read research about spouses that have diseases or disabilities and while a grundle of it is positive for couples where one spouse has a disability or disease, it does contribute a butt-load of stress to the relationship. Hence, my hesitation to talk about my problems. So, I'm still looking for a man that looks beyond my epilepsy and sees me as an asset to his life, not a liability. I think that will happen when I consistently see myself as an asset. I'm hoping I'm at the tail end of this problem. I've been getting so much better since I've moved into my current ward. I've been more comfortable being myself than I ever had in any ward. Here's to a great year and me continuing to accept myself, warts and all.
People read blogs because they're interested in topic matter and curious about the life happenings of others. I have a hard time sharing certain elements of my life. Mostly, because I can't seem to get past particularly difficult issues. My perception is this: Anyone following me: "There was a post about this last time! Can't she get past this already?!" People choose to follow my blog so perhaps I should say, read at your own risk.
I read a blog post of a friend recently where I learned that she struggled with some particularly difficult diseases. It surprised me and I gained a new level of respect for her. Her behaviors made more sense and I definitely have empathy for her. I figure if she can complain on the internet, it's okay for me to complain.
OH yeah.
So the grad school path has kind of faded in that I have no idea where I'm going in my life since I was denied admission to grad school at BYU and that was my Plan A. Not to worry, I do have a Plan B but it's a bit fuzzy. I have a general outline, but honestly, I'm just living day to day and I have no idea what the future may hold. I might stay on at my job, or get a new one. The job market right now isn't looking particularly tempting but that could all change by this spring/summer.
Also, this next weekend, I reach 3 decades of life. My birthday is on the 3rd and wouldn't you know it? I'm turning 30 years old. Man, that went quick. As I look back, I unfortunately see a lot of unnecessary worrying. Yeah, does anyone know about how to get rid of that? It sure would help me out, thanks. I'm seriously considering looking into some self-help books, but I don't think I'm disciplined enough to follow any special "plan". Also, there's the age-old struggle for perfectionism. I want to do everything, be everything- but I can't. And this frustrates me. There are spiritual remedies as well, I know. I'm working on them too. My perceptions of what actually happens in my life are only about 60-70% correct. I would love it if I could improve that percentage.
I'm back to my favorite beef of a problem. Me, viewing myself as less because of my health problems. I really need to stop this practice. In my singles ward, we have the practice of writing nice notes. I like this a lot. This weekend I received a very thoughtful and anonymous one from someone in my ward that really put some perspective back into my life. They saw the root of my problem and set to correct me in a kindly way.
If I were to try and paraphrase the note to you it would not do it justice. So here's a pic and I'll even type it up for ya in case you can't read it. See? Aren't I nice? :)
Friends, this note was so thoughtful, I almost cried. Very sincere, like the writer themself. If I could remember this every day, my life would be much improved. I wouldn't have to carry this note around in my purse. Remembering is a hard thing, folks. I come by it honestly and then my epilepsy meds can tend to make it worse from time to time, but enough grousing.Catie,
Sometimes I'm pretty sure you have no idea how amazing you are. Why doubt yourself? Ever? If you could see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you, you would have the confidence of a thousand armies. :) You're beautiful. Really.
I am very fortunate that my situation is not worse than it is. I am very blessed to have medication that works, family that is close and that watch out for me. I feel bad for my sister Sarah, because she has kinda taken the caretaker role. I'm glad she watches out for me, but sometimes I feel like she takes way too much upon herself. I'm a big girl. I don't need someone to take care of me, but she does it anyway. Let's just say she can't wait until I get married. No pressure, men.
That's another thing. I see myself as a liability, not an asset. I've kind of felt that way since I was diagnosed with Epilepsy 15 years ago. No man wants a liability. I've read research about spouses that have diseases or disabilities and while a grundle of it is positive for couples where one spouse has a disability or disease, it does contribute a butt-load of stress to the relationship. Hence, my hesitation to talk about my problems. So, I'm still looking for a man that looks beyond my epilepsy and sees me as an asset to his life, not a liability. I think that will happen when I consistently see myself as an asset. I'm hoping I'm at the tail end of this problem. I've been getting so much better since I've moved into my current ward. I've been more comfortable being myself than I ever had in any ward. Here's to a great year and me continuing to accept myself, warts and all.
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