music explains feelings better than words ever could

I've been even more pensive as of late. Reading my other gal friends' blogs helps me realize that I am not alone in my search for who I am and what I am to become.

Lately I've struggled with thoughts that cripple and destroy. Most of them come because of one thing: Fear. This song thrills me each time I hear it.

Sometimes I get impatient, and I find myself asking: "Are we there yet?!?"

I forget I need to be patient. All good things come in time.

However we can still act, we shouldn't just be biding our time with nothing to show for it.

Luckily, I know that my story is great now and will continue to be great as I progress and stretch myself to my very limits. That is how God shapes me to become the diamond I am inside. I will have my own "happily ever after"(Uchtdorf, April 2010).

*This* is what it's really about.

Hope you liked it.

"To boldly go where no man has gone before..."

::beat:: "into a committed relationship." ::rimshot::

Okay so I really wanted to use this tagline and make it into a joke.

Honestly, that's what it feels like in Provo some days. I just read this really good article that a friend posted on Facebook called Twenty-seven & single. It's pretty consistent with how I feel about my life at times.

Here I am, back in that spot right before everything changes again and honestly I feel like it literally is everything. My darling roommate, Shereen, gets married August 4th in the Logan Temple. I will miss her dearly. I start back to work at MHS on August 8th. I am also in the middle of a challenge to read the entire New Testament by the time work starts. That's 22 days from now and it averages out to be about 18.5 pages A DAY. Don't know if you've noticed, but most scripture has pretty small print. I'm going to do my best- it is MOST DEFINITELY a challenge. My purpose in doing this is to better understand the depth of the Savior's love for me and how important and personal of a role the atonement of Jesus Christ has in my life. So far I've delved into a chapter and a half. I can do hard things!! That's why I chose this life! Change is the only constant.

Wow, you sure talk about change a lot... Of course I do, that's because it's the most difficult for me to deal with until it actually happens. I figure better here than in my head, causing who knows what kind of spontaneous combustion and assorted mayhem.

One of the biggest changes, is August 18th, when I move into my new place. I would say that essentially, I'm starting a new life. I will be next door neighbors to my sister Sarah, which I never thought would happen, but here we are. It all worked out so smooth and quickly (which is unusual for BYU-Provo housing) that to say it's coincidence/chance would be seriously gypping God out of major recognition and gratitude.

My life is in God's control because I sure don't feel like I have much control over it. I make plans and then God says, here try this instead. I'm working on a 28-year-old battle of combatting being selfish and not sharing my life with Him. I'm stubbornly independent and feel like I need to do it myself. I talked with a good friend yesterday about carrying my burdens. She asked me if they were really burdens or just my perception that they were burdens. She suggested that maybe I choose them to be burdens because the burdens I actually have (like my epilepsy, for example) I choose not to carry. She's right. I refuse to make my epilepsy a burden. Other than the daily diamond-shaped dose I take, I have zero control. It's very frustrating. It gets stuffed to the back of my mind. It's smaller than it used to be, so I've made some progress.

my body hates me

I have two food-related gatherings tonight.

I know I need/want to go to both but I'm debating whether to only go for a short bit of time or bringing copious bits of cooked vegetables to soothe my troubled tummy.

I feel so sick-to-my-stomach. Not because I'm nervous, I just feel lousy.

Like I never ever want to see or eat food...
until I get hungry again.

I'm trying to figure out which foods give me problems.

It was better when I had less food.

Less temptation to eat more frequently.

And less digestive issues. Sorry, but it had to be said.

Perhaps I'm over-eating...

but that defies the fact that my pants are a little roomier in the waist than they have been.

I dunno.

I feel like I need to be on a consistent well-balanced diet. Wait, shouldn't everyone?

This is difficult for one such as myself who is either always on the run OR cooking for one.

(Which sucks, p.s. by the way. Leftovers, if not good, are a pain in the butt and I HATE wasting food.)

Either way, we are back to square one. I feel super yucky.

Love food, Hate the way it makes me feel sometimes.

P.S. I have been tested for digestive disorders (Celiac, et al.) and they all came back negative.

Go figure. I have a black hole of death in my body where everything goes when I have tests done so NOBODY can find anything wrong.

*sigh* Maybe it's just my acid reflux tonight. (Stupid, dumb rssrfrssrgrumblegrumble)

Ain't growin' old and fallin' apart lovely? :)

dear clueless boys

Dear Cute Boys in My Ward,

I'm tired of being really nice and kind to you and getting little to no results. I don't care if I intimidate you with whatever you're intimidated with.

Get. Over. It.

Ask me out already.

I don't care if it's frisbee at the park. I would really like to get to know you better one-on-one.

Sincerely,

Catie

Whew!

Ward Music Coordinator.

That's it.

Sigh. I thought it was going to be something worse than that-

So I count my blessings.

It will be good, whatever it is. :)

dude...I feel... different.

I'm feeling a plethora of feelings tonight and I have to blog about it or no one else will know what I'm going through at the moment. I am alone in my apartment, enjoying the solitude but hating the fact that I can't share news with anyone. So here you are my bloggies...

I am anxious because I've been contacted twice about a new calling... It could be anything and frankly that scares the crap out of me because I know I'll say yes, regardless of what it is! (*winces*) Pretty sure this has occupied my mind since my first received text today at 12:57pm MDT. Just watch, like always, it will all just be in my head and they'll call me to be the ward assigned-seating coordinator (fyi: no such calling exists, I just had to be ridiculous). This still does not discount the fact that AAAAAH! I'm getting a new calling! I like my current one just fine!! (Ward Communications Specialist)

So yeah. Just un poquito stressed. Just a little bit.

Today I also felt qualitatively different. Perhaps because change is in the air and approaching rather rapidly. I've always struggled with transitioning. I'm as bad as my preschool classes. I could feel the difference in myself and wondered what it all meant. The thought of new people, a new mix of ward members after 8 months of the same is kind of a phenomenon I need to get used to again. Student wards turning into regular singles wards... my roommates leaving... It's just different from the stagnation I experienced in my old ward (no offense).

So I'll try to remember to update you Friday evening as I embark on a new adventure and a new calling. LOVES!

out of the box

It's nice to know that I am taken care of, no matter what my circumstances are. After the car incident 11 days ago, things are better. I got my towing reimbursement, I have food in my cupboard and gas in my car. Life is good.

I've discovered more things about myself in the last two weeks. That's the joy of life. You are constantly discovering things about yourself you never knew or realized (and which happen to be perfectly visible to everyone but you).

My dear friend Kris10 did a post about 55 questions and answers. I'm going to follow her lead. While I don't know if it will be helpful to anyone, at least it will be fun for me.

*55 QUESTIONS*

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Possibly. Middle Name: Mom's Maiden Name
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? From laughter? Running with Sarah to my car during a micro burst. Not from laughter? Saturday, April 2nd after a VERY stressful day.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Most of the time.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Chicken.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Not yet, the preschool children I teach, don't count.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Heck yes.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? NooOOooh.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No way, Jose.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? In the whole wide world? Granola. Yup. Really.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Depends if I have to put them back on anytime soon.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Personality wise: yes. Physically: Meh.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Dulce de Leche!!!!
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Smile and eyes they are the window to the person inside.
15. RED OR PINK? Definitely pink. I wouldn't have said that when I was a kid.
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I'm too self-critical.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Right now? Brookie because she always makes me feel complete.
19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Light tan. I put them back on earlier.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Penguins of Madagascar Fruit Snacks, jealous?
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? People talking outside my window.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Leaf green or vibrant blue.
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? clean laundry, fresh cut grass, babies after the bath, fresh fruits and veggies, basil, bread baking, mountain air, ocean breezes, lavender, the list goes on.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Sarah. Who else calls me?
25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE? Beach, because my parents already live in the mountains, I can go there anytime I want.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Football, basketball & volleyball. At least I understand those ones.
27. HAIR COLOR? Light medium brown with undertones of blonde and red when dirty
28. EYE COLOR? blue with a slight yellow half moon.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No, but in a couple more years I'm probably gonna need 'em.
30. FAVORITE FOOD? Don't have just ONE.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy Endings, HANDS DOWN.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Either Emperor's New Groove OR Charade.
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? A bright green shirt. Absolute favorite one.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Late Spring, Early Summer.
35. HUGS OR KISSES? Both, but hugs are more freely obtainable.
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Any of my mom's pies. They're the nectar of the gods.
37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO? Cardio
38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION? Lappy 286
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? The Book of Mormon. Consistently for 20 years.
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I'm using a composition book as a makeshift one.
42. FAVORITE SOUND? babies/children laughing, a lone lawn mower in the evening a couple of blocks away, nature's natural rhythm of life.
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? The Beatles, hello?
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Germany
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I can imitate or mimic people quite well.
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Provo
47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW? Provo (I've moved around a bit before moving back)
48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE? Stucco White and Wood brown
49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR? Sea Foam Green
50. DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE? Yes, who doesn't?
51. WHERE DO YOU WORK? In Payson
52. FAVORITE ACTIVITY? Being with family and mini golfing. I LOVE mini golfing.
53. FAVORITE HOLIDAY? Light-hearted=Halloween, I LOVE the days right up until Christmas
54. FAVORITE COLOR? Green, Blue and Yellow
55. FAVORITE THING TO WEAR? Marvel Comics Justice League T-Shirt. It's all-purpose.

Okay there are your random things about me. How many of them did you know?

Have a great almost Thursday!!!

weary and tired

Today is Saturday.

One of the most emotionally exhausting days I've had in awhile. My car broke down today on the way to Salt Lake for General Conference, Saturday morning session. It died in Lehi and luckily we were able to get off of the freeway before it was ultimately dead as a doornail. Turns out it was the alternator. That set me back a pretty penny and I didn't get to go to a session of Conference. I haven't ever been for Conference. I've been for a Relief Society meeting, but never for Conference. I finally ate food today. I had some of my Brown Bean/Tortilla soup and some of my overdone biscuits and a glass of juice. Food should have been a priority because of my slight hypoglycemia but I was just too distraught thinking about everything that I'd need to do if I didn't get my car back today. It was stressful to say the very least. Conference was good though. I definitely needed to hear it and my heart was prepared.

It's hard to think about all the things that have been weighing on my mind. Mostly dealing with money and many instances that require me to jump out there into the darkness and just put my faith and trust in God fully. Man, that's scary. Let's just say the broken car was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Dealing with possibilities of seeing new doctors and having a plethora of tests done on my me. Thinking about how I'm going to pay for my car, and the rest of my obligations, remembering that I have a chronic disease (yes that is technically what it's called. I checked.) and therefore I shouldn't be running faster than I have strength. I seem to do that regularly though. I am of the opinion that I can always do more. I'm learning to accept that I HAVE limitations and realizing what my "best" is. I may think it's crappy but it's my best and it is what it is.

This past Thursday night, a lady I work with said to me: "You look older tonight." It was very telling. My youthful sparkle was gone and my dad noticed it as well. He said, you look melancholy and I said, yeah, that's about right. The next day he sent me a text asking if I wanted a blessing. I agreed. I really think I do need one. I feel like I'm not myself and I'm not sure if I know the root cause of it all. I think it's just a combination of things altogether. Today just confirmed it. It could be because I stopped taking my prescribed Vitamin D because my prescription ran out. It could be because I'm thinking about my financial obligations and trying to budget like a good girl. It could be because I'm trunky and I want the school year to be over already and I still have 2 months left (As of today, actually!!). Not that my job is bad. I can honestly say I love my job. It's just super tiring and starts to wear on you after awhile.

Other than that, life is good. I know there are people who care about me and are aware of my difficulties. The hard part is accepting their help and their kindness. I'm struggling with the trials in my life right now and I'm not afraid to admit that. They are hard. I'm hoping that something good will come from them because right now they seem to loom over me like the overcast sky outside. I think of how the band Relient K has sung:"isn't nice to know that the lining is silver?"

I know it's in there somewhere. I have hope that all will work out for my good. Don't worry for me. I do enough of that myself. Thanks for listening to me gripe.

whoa! did I disappear or what?

Sorry guys,

these past almost 2 weeks have been somewhat of a whirlwind/crazy mess. I've been in survival mode and that means my room is in a state of disarray.

I've been getting sick, most of my sickness likes to go straight to my ears which mighty unfortunate for me. I blame my inability to get to bed on time for the past week. I'm not going to live forever, but I'd like my body to tell my brain that, so I'll stop abusing my body and treat it right.

Goals: Get at least 7.5 hours of sleep each night this coming week. Eat healthy foods. No junky stuff. Veggies, fruits, grains. Make myself dinner.

Priscila, the gal I share a room with, is getting married a week from today in the Mount Timpanogos Temple. Crazy stuff. We went to her bridal shower today and it was better than I expected. Too bad we had to leave early, to bring Melissa back in time for her date.

I dunno if that means I won't have a roommate for the next month or not. Priscila was thinking she'd have her friend come and take her spot. Hm. I feel bad for sayin' but I would honestly not cry if I didn't have a roommate for a full month.

This month is going quick which is good, but it also has had the propensity to drag like lead platform shoes. So, I'm already thinking ahead, but I think I should be focusing on the present. There's no time like it, right?

I like that my so-called claims of giving up "obsessing/overthinking about guys" for Lent, has taken an evil twist (sarcasm). The twist being that now I don't even really want to be social. This has led to a super "I-need-a-hug" day. More like, "I-need-a-guy-hug" day. I still haven't got one and I'm really feeling the need. You just have those sometimes. I've been troubled today. Okay, this is getting depressing, so now I'm going to list some things I'm grateful for and some good things from today.

Good Today

Went shopping with my roommates

Awesome food at Priscila's bridal shower

Went to the temple

Lots of Hugs

Going to a David Osmond Concert tonight @ The Scera Theater with my roommates

Grateful for

Got to sleep in until 9:30am

My earache is only obnoxious, not painful

Didn't have to drive around Orem

Saw Kris10 at the temple (unplanned)

People who care

It wasn't terribly cold today

Okay, now I'm feeling better about my life. I still have a thousand things to be grateful for. I should think about those things instead of my grandpa going back into the hospital after a minor stroke while at his stay in the physical therapy/rehabilitation place. Or my worries that both my grandpas will be gone before I ever get married. (I know that's a weird worry, but family is SUPER important to me).

I'm just havin' a hard day, friends!!! I think I'll ask my HT's for a blessing tomorrow or something.

Me, signing off

crossing something off my bucket list

Wow! Two posts in one day! Boy, are you LUCKY!!

So I would like to say that my mom is freaking awesome and deserves all the credit I give her.

Next weekend I'm going home for my birthday and it is then when I will have the grand experience, the pièce de résistance. She is not only getting me an artisan bread pan for my birthday, but she is teaching me how to make it. BUCKET LIST!!!

It will be SO awesome!!

I'm deciding to continue on my theme of understanding who my core is. Maggie H. shared this thought with us today: Date Yourself. Sounds weird, right? Well the idea is that you do what you can to get to know yourself. Spend time with yourself in an effort to truly know who you are and achieve a personal sense of balance. Last night, when I was with Kristen, I felt that balance that sense of purpose and well-being.

Tonight, I'm not so sure.

The only thing I'm for sure about is that guys are pesky nuisances and should be sent to military school. Okay. I'm not bitter, just disappointed at my lack of involvement with Mr. B (my current interest and no, this is not his real name). I'm super frustrated because I like Mr. B, however I'm keeping mum because I'm pretty dang sure that he is only interested in me as a friend and that's it. Period.

Lent is coming up on March 9th. Even though my religion does not observe Lent, I think it's a good principle that helps me practice self-discipline in a handy-dandy time frame. I think I'll give up trying to pursue Mr. B (and treat him only as a friend) for Lent.

The question is: Can I do that for 40 days? I've done something similar before. Why not now? It'll do me some good and will get me through the end of the semester without any emotional baggage about Mr. B. I'm not going to be perfect, but this will at least help me not to be so wound up about it. Let's just say, it can be super-frustrating when I feel like guys are WAY bipolar in their choices. I'll give 'em all up for Lent, just like I did 6 years ago. Wow, it's been that long.

I made it!

So. I woke up on Thursday morning and a feeling washed over me.

Acceptance.

The same feeling I came to feel the night before. After all that time I spent worrying, flustering and having anxiety over becoming another year older was completely melted away. I would like to think that I did it on my own and credit my maturity as a self-actualized human being. However that would be some serious perjury (a fancy word for lying). I have to give credit where credit is due and that is to my Heavenly Father for helping me get past my insecurities and unmet expectations I set for myself at this age. It was hard but I feel much more strong and secure for moving through those issues with spiritual ease and grace.

I was so grateful to Naazju for her post on Fb. All she said was "Happy Birthday! And you will never, EVER be old!" That made me smile and realize that I never will be old. No matter what my age is. It's not in my core.

We had a great lesson in Relief Society today, using a talk by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf as a springboard. It was about cultivating relationships with ourselves. Taking time to get to know who we are. What our core is. It was absolutely fascinating.

So I'm starting my journey to discover who I am at my core. I will be adding another post with more details, but right now I'm going to listen to the CES Fireside tonight given by Elder L. Tom Perry. It should be awesome.

tuesday night troubles

I'm honestly exhausted from yesterday, watching 3 kids on my own. I think the tiresome part was working with the 7 month old, besides watching the 5 and 7-year old as well. My arms are sore from holding the baby. It's been a billion years since I've had to lug around a little one. Those billion years roughly translate out to about 9-10 years ago, when my sister Em was the little one. Now she's all growed up and almost 11 years old this next month. YIKES. If I'm only her older sister, I can't even imagine how my mom feels about it...

I feel totally drained today. I'm mad because I didn't make it to the temple this week as a patron, due to everything else that went down this weekend. I didn't plan ahead and I can feel the absence of the extra spiritual strength. I also didn't have at least one positive interaction with guys this week and wasn't super social this weekend so that's also getting my goat. I did have an interaction this week but it wasn't very positive.

Our ward date night is in conjunction with an etiquette dinner/cotillion hosted by our Stake president's wife this Tuesday night. Tuesday? What the heck? I know. Really. Anyway, I did get asked out for it, but it was a guy that I'm not really comfortable with. He's a nice guy, but he just makes me embarrassed for him because he's a little socially awkward. Anyway, I'll make sure we have a nice time, but there's definitely no second date. I'm slightly dreading Tuesday night but once it's over I'll be able to breathe again.

Yes go ahead and accuse me of being shallow, hypocritical, not a good person, whatever you can think of. I said yes because I thought it was the right thing to do and that means that I'm not one of the 15 gals who still don't have a date. Beggars can't be choosers. Can't complain about not getting any dates if I turn them down, can I? Obviously I'm feeling a little insecure right now because I'm going on a date with a guy I'm completely uninterested in. There's nothing wrong with that, I know. I just have a conflict of emotions. I think after Tuesday I'll have a clearer head about things.

For now, you gotta deal with the vent.

a week from thursday

Here I am, counting down the days until my birthday.
Like a drumroll before an execution.
I'm excited on one hand because I love celebrating me and all the awesome that comes along. I'm dreading it on the other hand because this means I'm older.
I'm not dreading being old.
I'm dreading what I expect from myself, being that particular age.

I realize "there are no deadlines or milestones" and that "they don't mean anything" in terms of life status. Unfortunately, try telling that to my subconscious self. She's in denial and I don't mean Egypt, neither. I'm working on convincing her that there is no right way to do things. She's got her fingers in her ears, so it will be difficult. Any advice you could give me on changing her mind would be great, as I am so ready to move forward.

So here's to another great year coming up. May it be more than I ever dreamed or imagined, just like the past years I've gone through. They held promises, dreams and experiences that helped me become who I am today and I'm profoundly grateful.

religious home run!

So I heard this quote today in church. It seemed to accurately express how I feel about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is so powerful! The best part is that it was written by Dr. Bob Moorhead, a man not of the LDS faith. This speaks volumes of the understanding of this man. He gets what the Gospel of Jesus Christ is all about.
It is titled: The Fellowship of the Unashamed.

I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made--I am a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, worldly-talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean in His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer and I labor with power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, hired away, turned back, diluted, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won't give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, give up ‘til I drop, preach ‘til all know, and work ‘til He stops me. And when He comes my banner will be clear!

I must go 'til he comes. Give 'til I drop. Preach 'til all know. And work 'til he stops me and when he returns for his own he will have no problem recognizing me. My banner will be clear.

--Dr. Bob Moorhead, in Words Aptly Spoken

I just wanted to jump up right there in Sacrament Meeting and yell at the top of my lungs:
"YES!!! This is what the gospel is all about!!! Can't you feel the power of these words?!?" (I don't think I'm passionate enough about this yet. I need to work on my religious enthusiam a little more... :D)

I felt my heart take courage and my spirit leap within me, embracing these very declarations. I realized that as much as I think I am quiet about the gospel of Jesus Christ- I am extremely passionate about it. It is as much a part of me as my vital organs are. The spirit was there and I knew, I knew, that I was/am most definitely NOT ashamed of my beliefs. The gospel of Christ is one of work, service, action and rejoicing! It fills me from head to toe "...for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth..."(Romans 1:16)

Doesn't that get you excited?!? Doesn't that motivate you to do so much more than you ever thought was possible?!? 1 Corinthians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." When we give our hearts to God, then is he able to magnify us and make us more than we ever could've imagined! I have experienced this myself and I know it's true!

Make it a great Sunday! :D Love you all!

Happy Valentine's Day

Spread the love. It's not just for those with significant others. Valentine's Day is for everyone. I used to be bitter about it, but now I understand the deeper meaning. My friend Jill had some great thoughts on how it should be a chance to show our love for everyone. All inclusive. I am excited for a great day at school and might have some kids make me special valentines. That is one more rewarding thing about my job. My kids will always love me. :D

Hey friends and readers, I love you too! Happy Valentine's Day!!!

(i know what I'll be doing!) (Yep, she's making a pie!)

(picture courtesy of notquitejunecleaver.blogspot.com)

Time of my life

dear fans and readers,

I... Had... the time of my liiiiife... I never felt this way before... yes I swear... it's the truth... and I owe it all to yooouuuuu...

okay so it wasn't a patrick swayze moment, by a long shot. No fireworks or sparks even. Just a great time!!! Honestly, Big Band Night with Jonathon was totally fun! I had a great time and he was a good sport for dancing for a good portion of the night. Probably shouldn't have worn my 2 1/2 inch hot red heels, but hey they looked good and Jonathon was tall enough that it wasn't a problem!!! Don't worry they came off about half way through and barefoot was the better alternative. Although, I'm pretty sure that I'll have a blister the size of Montana on the sole of my right foot.

But the main thing I wanted to convey was that I HAD A BLAST!!! I was totally and completely happy and it was a great night. THANKS TO JONATHON for an awesome evening!!! :D

Do NOT pass go, Do NOT collect $200

Soooooo. yeah, I'm working on realistic expectations for this weekend so my mind doesn't make unrealistic ones for me. According to the roommates, because I identified the following in my texts to him, it should be exactly what it is. Firstly, I signified that I needed a favor. This is a favor date, folks. Secondly, I signified that he was my backup plan. I've been someone's backup plan before. It was all right. (justifying... justifying...) So. Based on the following information I shouldn't be expecting anything from him whatsoever. Things can change though, right?? Haha. I should say I'm awesome and shut up before I make a fool out of myself. Here's to Saturday. :D

stress relieved!!

I found a date for Big Band Night this weekend. SO RELIEVED.
It's with my fabulous friend, Jonathon. He deserves the Hero of the Week Award for bravery above and beyond the call of duty. This weekend is going to fantastic! :D

rejoicing amid the frustrations

I just read Sarah's blog post today. I was definitely happy for her and all the good things that have gone up for her lately. She deserves these good things more than I can say. I am rejoicing for the happy in her life. YAY Sarah!!!

At the same time I am feeling conflicting emotions. I know I am supposed to be growing in life experience as a person (which I am, mind you), but it doesn't make it any easier when I feel like I should be progressing faster than I currently am. (Have I lost you yet?)

I can joke and say, well at least I'm not on my 8th husband or 56th child, my life could be worse, huh? But honestly, I am just frustrated at my lack. Lack of what, you say? Well, if you know me, why don't you just fill in the blank. I'm sure you're going to be dead on.

Lack of money- seeing those posts from Shabby Apple and their South Pacific dress line that makes me swoon with how awesome it is and groan because I probably could duplicate that look for less money but more time. Speaking of which:

I brought my sewing machine from home. It's at my apartment. I'm going to start my purple dress I wrote about in a post a bazillion years ago (okay so it was only six months ago, but it's felt like more than that). Anyway, maybe this will be my new muse and will help me get through this slump of not going anywhere.

(Oh and right now I may or may not be eating some soup that has been securely stored in my fridge for a questionable amount of time. I honestly don't remember how long it's been in there. It doesn't look bad or smell like fridge yet, but if I find myself in the bathroom for an extended period of time, it's going to meet Mr. Garburator (the garbage disposal) real quick.)

The point is that (I probably could be doing more, but I feel like-->) I'm doing everything I possibly can to be involved and social and it's really not getting off the ground very well. Perhaps our whole apartment has been nominated the black plague apartment. I seriously hope not, but I'm overdramatizing again.

My main point is finding a date for the Big Band Night this weekend up on BYU Campus. I have wanted to go to this for 5 years and I up and bought tickets before I got a date. Genius idea, eh? Well it sucks trying to find a date when it's the same weekend as the BYU vs. Utah Basketball game at Home. Good luck with that one. Luckily the Big Band thing is after the game.

Anyway, keep asking me about the dress so I will work on it and hopefully I will get through this weekend without a ton of drama or traumatic experiences. Thanks for reading and for your comments! <3

Be ok: ward date night and tomorrow's talk

I was really scared about the "random" pairing, BUT it worked out well and I was grateful. I got to picnic with a nice guy named Jeff. We had a great time. It was a good way to spend a Saturday night. Reed was not there (I dunno why) and that was icing on the cake. I am happy it was just easy and no stress. Now the only thing I'm dreading is giving my talk tomorrow. I thought I was all cool in thinking I could talk more than 10 minutes. I wrote my talk and it only took me 4 and a half minutes to read it. I thought I was reading it SLOW too! Oh well. Guess I'll beef it up a little, dang. wish me luck.

be ok: week wrap up

Can't tell you how much better my week has been!

From Tuesday to now I've had many things planned that made Wednesday and Thursday go faster than I imagined. But here I am on a Friday and everything's gone as well as expected.

I had work meetings all day today and it wasn't as mind-numbing as I thought it'd be!

The whole "secret-crush" thing has been helping me tons (that and the fact that Reed and I's paths hardly cross anymore, anyway) and I have felt a lot freer that's fo' sho'.

I only feel sad when I see his car (or find myself looking for it, Sheesh). As well as fighting the urge to kick it because I thought to look for it. I hope this goes away soon. It's super annoying.

On to more positive news!
My ward date night is tomorrow night. It's a random paired date this month.

Wonder who my flavor of the night will be????

The curiosity is killing me!!!!

They asked me on Sunday if I had any preferences for who I'd like to go with and I said no not really.

Now that I have a slight preference, is that going to deter me from having a good time tomorrow night? Absolutely not. :)

I should be finishing my talk tonight, but I need to be in the right mode. I don't think I'm there quite yet. I'll be there soon though. I don't think tomorrow's going to work for talk-writing. Just sayin'. I have too many things that need to be done.

anyway. today was a good day and HEY! It's FRIDAY!

A historical American celebration in itself. People in the workforce have been looking forward to Fridays ever since the "9 to 5" daily grind was invented. I proudly count myself with them.

Happy Friday to you all.

Toodles!

be ok: mending my disappointed heart

This is the follow-up for the week from Hades (last week). I'm hoping this will help me become more regular in my posting because if it's here, it's not driving my roommates crazy as rehash mode. They are good souls, but after awhile, enough is enough.

Day 1-Monday: Today actually went well. I'm in the middle of the second week of developmental assessments for my preschool classes. This can make for a very stressful free-play, even with 3+ adults in the classroom. The Afternoon Kids are usually pretty wired by that time and trying to work one on one with a child, just lets the rest go wild. Assessments kill any good forms of classroom management that you might've had. If you were in my shoes and knew what I know, you would agree. Normally, I have pretty awesome classroom management. (::indignantly nodding my head::)

I have found a temporary stand-in for that mental spot that Reed once occupied. We will call him the Gnu-Guy. He's cute, nice and safe (meaning, he has no clue I'm using him as a mental crutch to get through this). He'll do while I'm on the mend, sort of a secret-crush type-thinger. I heart secret-crushes because they're safe and if everything falls through, nobody gets hurt. Riiight?

(Riiight... just agree with me now, okay? I'm not ready for logical thinking just yet... :D)

ANYWAY- today is going to be good because my lovely friend Jules brought me a batch of her oh-so-fabulous Pumpkin Chocolate Chip cookies.

Nectar. Of. The. Gods.

For reals. I've already consumed 4 in one sitting. I am secure enough about myself to write that I deserve to eat all 12 of them. Not at once. But within a day? Totally acceptable. HA. Beat that.

Today, I am happy. Really truly and completely happy. Yeah, I hurt a leetle bit, but I've watched the people that really care about me pop out of the woodwork.

(Did you SEE that?!? They popped up out of the snow! Like daisies!)

There are things to be grateful for each day. Good friends, food, a good book and people that comment on my blog are to name a few. :)

My only stress now, is something I can work with. Speaking in Church.

DUN DUN DUN DUNNNN

I (unfortunately, as is now the case) am giving a talk in church this next Sunday. I volunteered. No sarcasm there. I have super mixed feelings about it, after being all noble "Oh, I'll speak in Sacrament Meeting if you don't have anybody." Haha. I was expecting that my bishop would ask me to speak sometime in the next few months. . . .

Nope.

Two weeks from the day I spoke with him.
(for all you non-math majors, that was two sundays ago.)

::Thumps head against the wall:: What was I thinking? Sigh.

I'll tell you what I was thinking:
::Goofy's voice:: "Well, gawrsh, a-hyuk, I could speak in church. It's easy... Nooooooooo problem."

I'll be fine. I know I will. Insert all those self-affirming statements that our generation is so famous for: HERE.

Ummm... I want another cookie...

Make that 3... ::mischievious grin::

day by day

I've decided to complain to the blogosphere.

That way, if I sound like a broken record, it will only be to those who read these dang posts of mine.

I saw Reed at church today.

I didn't feel like talking to him.

I wanted to.

But I didn't.

I think he could tell.

(He may not be the brightest or sharpest crayon in the box but I could tell he was struggling too. I'll be vain and say it was because of me.)

I still hurt. This is taking much more time than I had ever anticipated or planned.

SUPER annoying.

I am not angry at him. truly and honestly.

I am hurt, disappointed and frustrated.

I want these feelings to be over and done with.

I want to be his friend, but this just sucks.

I feel like I need to get to know him all over again because i see him with new eyes.

Sad eyes.

I'm not retreating, merely regrouping.


Things are changing and I'm coping the best I can.

I have desires to get out and go on dates and meet new people.

Not stay at home and mope.

This is ground breaking for Miss Catie.

I am not what I once was.

I am stronger, more mature.

Big enough to rise above the petty things of this world.

Motivated enough to do it.

When I'm ready.

It's only been a week, but it feels like 3 months have gone by.

German chocolate, my roommates and good friends have been my salvation.

Places I've visited most often:

the Provo Temple,

(onlinemormon.blogspot.com)

God is present in my life.

Knowing that He is aware is sometimes the only thing that gets me through my day.


I'm not perfect, but I've sure felt a lot of refining fire in my life.


Still have miles to go before I sleep.


Sigh.

"like a love-sick crackhead"

That line's from Ke$ha's song Your Love Is My Drug. I have never related to one song so much in my entire life.
I'm coming out of my twilight zone/bermuda triangle stage. I've been in that since last Sunday night. This has been THE LONGEST WEEK OF MY LIFE! That's what happens when you have a little chatsie with the guy you're in love with and he says oh p.s. by the way I accidently lead you on and I just want you to be my friend!!!! (of course he said it much nicer than that and was a total man about the whole thing- we were definitely grown up and adult about it, which is more than I can say about the OTHER guys I've invested in.) So now I'm dealing with the fact that a little piece of my heart is dead and I feel like he's a stranger to me now. Nothing is as it was and I dunno what to do with myself except start over. I have 3 lives left now, before I reach Mario's Castle and win the video game level (I'm kidding). I'm accepting the fact that he HURT me and that's NOT okay to just skim over. I CAN be sad about it. I just don't want to waste anymore energy on him. I'll be his friend, but nothing more.

Old Post, Never Published!!: Auld Lang Syne

Old-Fashioned Radio Announcer Voice:

"January 5th. The Day That Will Live In Infamy."



Okay so it's not as earth shattering as December 7th, but what's the big deal about today anyway? Today I update my blog. "Whaaat?" Yup. I am officially updating. Call the White House... okay, don't call the White House. :S



Folks I'm in a weird mood as of late. So many different things have happened since we had "Winter" Break. I'm trying to really wrap my head around it and trying to write about it is nearly impossible.



New Years' resolutions- Do I have any? Not officially. Why bother?

Can't I just keep my old ones that I made in November? (oooo, very nontraditional)



Biggest things on my mind lately:



My grandpa having some early stages of cancer. Good stage to catch it in. 95-97% success rate.

STILL NOT GOOD NEWS!! Pooh.



A certain young man that I've had my eye on since September. I think he's finally starting to catch on that I like him. He's not totally dense, I've just been introducing it to him in small doses. I've liked him as a person since I first met him. The "love" part has just grown gradually. I am so scared to even mention the L-bomb (Love) to anyone because the moment I do, things start to go down in a burning pile of flames. So far I haven't had the sick feeling in my stomach that I've felt with former endeavors that I REALLY wanted to date.



From my perspective, I'm making him do *some* work. Like not texting him immediately after I left him a treat, anxiously inquiring if he liked it a lot and if it was possibly the greatest thing he had ever tasted. No. I didn't.



Instead, I waited until he responded with some kind of text message. The time spent waiting felt like an eternity but it was SO worth it. I was glad I waited. I'm getting serious lessons on being patient and steady. So far, so good.



It means so much more when a guy texts you of his own volition. It's like, hey, he actually thought about me enough to text me. That means tons. From former experiences, over texting guys just hurts. The years of life experience, no matter how delayed they are, show that letting the guy take the initiative is actually easier. Not weak, but easier.