On Being a Grown-Up

About a month ago, I was doing my taxes online.  Since this is always a pleasant ordeal, I was in a super happy mood.  I actually owed the federal government this year, which is thrilling.  I owe them everything, you know?  Sure, here's some more money!!!  That's the least I can do!  When I went to e-File, it said I needed my PIN from last year's taxes to verify.  I went to my tiny filing cabinet that I purchased a few years ago as a big-kid-now moment.  I could hear my mom's voice, "Everything has a place.  When you enter the house, think about where everything goes, and put it there before you do anything else."  I was super proud of myself when I went to where I always file my taxes - my little filing cabinet.  When I opened it, my taxes for last year (and the year before) were missing.  2009 was in there.  Woot.  A lot of good that does me.

Think, Lindsey, think.  You know you normally put your taxes here.  You know you took 2010 out last year to take with you for your 2011 return.  Those two would be together somewhere - in my car perhaps?  That trunk is filled with junk - pun intended.  So I searched.  I looked for a great while, actually, with nothing to show for it.  Not in the car, or the trunk.  Not in other filing systems in the home.  Not in my room.

Cue the great nervous breakdown of 2013.

I. Freaked. Out.  "Why can I not be a responsible adult ever?  I am way too old to be living in this same bedroom filled with porcelain dolls! (I love those dolls - nostalgia - don't judge)  I am never on time to anything.  I get to work 25-35 minutes late daily. I lose everything.  Even if my taxes had been in my trunk, there's no way I would have found them in there.  It's a freaking mess.  I still have my CNA stuff in there (and the one-year deadline to take my exams was a mere weeks away), not to mention all my application papers for the nursing program at MATC!  That was a year ago!  I can't make more money if I want to keep my cushy job perks.  Because of a transfer overlook in my bank account, I literally thought I had $1000 more than I actually did, and went into a little credit card debt until my next paycheck came.  Who is that stupid?  I still haven't gotten back my $500 deductible from the insurance company for when that lady hit my car.  People my age own houses.  I own a 2006 Chevy with previously-a-rental-car cigarette burns in the upholstery and food stains all over (see posts here and here).  I live paycheck to paycheck sometimes.  I still owe over two grand for that dang student loan I took out when I took nursing pre-reqs, which I also - shocker - gave up on.  I am a loser.  I am single.  Forever. And Ever.  And Ever.  AND I teach Sunday School."  - ok that last line was from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but it actually applies.

Wow.

I cried.  I was a mess.  I told myself to go to bed and stop the anxiety.  

Proof of my absolute failure to be an adult:

This is our driveway circa February.  The snow was crazy this year.  I did not shovel that driveway or sidewalk once.  Not once.  Celestial neighbors and my kid sister did that.

This is the ice sheet that built itself on our back porch circa January.  My dad had to call me to make sure I took care of it.  I don't know if smacking it with a hammer until it was mostly fallen to the ground constitutes taking care of it, but that's what I did.

SO, what now?

Folks, I'm maturing.  I really am.  I feel it.  Mostly in my joints, but, I feel it.

1. I signed up, studied, and took my CNA exams.  

I PASSED! I AM NOW A CERTIFIED BED BATH GIVER!  We'll see if I ever use it, but I didn't want that year to expire and feel like even more of a failure.  CNA completed: check.

2. I signed a contract and wrote out a fat check to move to Deer Haven in Provo - the well-known "I didn't get married in my early twenties and heard this place was good for mutants like me" complex.  Moving out of my doll room: check.

I am about 1/3 of the way moved in.  Tomorrow night (after my weekly temple shift) will be the big, final haul.  Who in the world has time to move?  Between working 6 days a week and resting the 7th, I have been able to move about two boxes a day or set up one piece of furniture.  It's super conducive to healthy home-cooked eating to be between two homes and driving a lot.  No it isn't.  Del Taco is more conducive.  I feel it.  Most in my abdomen, but, I feel it.

3. I was looking for my study materials for my CNA exams a couple weeks ago, and remembered I saw my textbook on a table in the garage.  I went to grab it and saw a box which I had shoved previous trunk junk into during a momentary adult cleaning session months ago.  Guess what was inside.  My 2010 and 2011 TAX RETURNS!  2012 Taxes filed: check.  2010 and 2011 tax returns back in the filing cabinet: check.

4. My deductible check came.  I got a small cost-of-living raise.  I continued to pay tithing and fast offerings, and definitely saw the blessings.  CC debt paid off: check.

5. I cleaned out my car trunk as one of my first steps in overcoming this crisis.  Baby steps!  Trunk dejunked: check.  

6. I realized I have a great job.  I love my life.  I hope you all realize I am laughing at my breakdown now and said a lot of that in jest.  Yes, I want more in my life, but all I really needed was a good night's sleep.  Gratitude returning: check.

7. I bought adult furniture for myself and my new room.  I set up my bookshelf, dressers, etc all by myself, and felt great pride in those little accomplishments.  For the record, Ikea's assembly instructions are meant to be understood by felines, yet I still have to look it over 100 times before figuring it out.  Adulthood: check.

In conclusion, just to show you that I'm not quite there yet, this is what happens when Ikea's dresser assembly instructions are in black and white, and you don't know which way to face the panels when they're the first thing you put up.  I'm calling the alternating-painted-wood-and-tack-board "artsy" and leaving it.  Don't judge.

Baby steps.

8. Blogged: check.