Lindsey's How-To Guide, Part 2: How To Figure Out How the Seats Go Down in Your Chevy Malibu

1. Try for a couple years doing it on your own. This will be unsuccessful.
2. Receive a call from your friend and fellow 'Bu-owner, Brooke. She is wondering if you know how to fold down the seats in the back. You do not.
3. Tell her if she figures it out, to let you know.
4. Go do baptisms at the Provo Temple on a Wednesday evening.
5. Drive home with wet, non-brushed, non-flattering hair pulled back in some sort of bun.
6. Notice your fuel light is on, but you know from previous experience that you have 30 miles to go on a fuel light before you have to fill up. You are at 26.
7. Return a call to your sister and chat for a minute.
8. Run out of gas.
9. Pull over on University Avenue, with the other cars going 60mph by you.
10. Two cops pass you. Settle your nerves. You won't get a ticket for running out of gas.
11. Call back your sister. Have her come help you. The next part is very important.
12. You will sit for at least 30 minutes, in 45 degree weather, with no coat. Semis will pass and their wind will basically put your car on two wheels for a second. At least they don't hit you like you thought they would when you saw them in your side-view mirror.
13. Remember how your hair is wet? Brr.
14. Take this 30-minute chill time to listen to Les Miserables on your iPod.
15. Eureka! This is a prime time to pull out the owner's manual for your 'Bu!
16. Read about fuel light indicators and how to put the seats down in the back. You have to open the trunk first, then pull a cord, then push down the seat. Could it be any more complicated? "Dance in a circle for seven minutes. Do your best bird call. Invite a stranger to dinner. Pull the cord. Push down the seat." The cord you pull is related to the seat that goes down. Crazy.
17. Your sister will show up with a handy can of fuel. Reluctantly get out of your car onto the busy street, with wind gusts blowing up your skirt.
18. Have your sister stand behind you while you pour the fuel into your car so the University Avenue traffic does not a little show while they're trying to concentrate on the road.
19. Hope and pray that someone you know (especially of the male gender) does not drive by and see your nasty hair, rubbed-off non-waterproof makeup, and Marilyn Monroe moves.
20. Drive to the gas station.
    

Lindsey's How-To Guide, Part 1: How to Evacuate Your Entire Office Building in Five Minutes or Less

1. Work through your lunch break and get increasingly hungry
2. Listen to your nose when it tells you it smells popcorn and that it sounds delicious
3. Go to the breakroom with a bag of healthy-pop popcorn. You will see other employees enjoying their popcorn and you really really want it.
4. You know from prior experience that the "popcorn" button only pops 1/2 your bag. Decide to set the timer to about 2:45 and then listen for the pops to get further apart.
5. When they're still popping frequently as the timer runs out, take it out anyway. You do not want it to burn!
6. When you open the bag, not simply is only 1/2 the bag popped, the 1/2 that is popped is burnt.
   
7. Throw that bag in the trash.
8. You are still craving the popcorn. Get another bag.
9. Go to the basement community microwave in the building. Surely, it is better than your break room microwave.
10. Notice that the microwave says it is a supreme model, with 1100 watts.
11. You don't actually care because all you want is your dang popcorn.
12. Again, do not trust the "popcorn" button. Set the timer again for 2:45 and listen for breaks between pops.
13. Notice some steam coming out of the microwave at about 1 minute. Smell the wonderful aroma.
14. Stop the microwave with some time left, noticing the pops have breaks.
15. Take out your bag and open it.
    
16. Again, 1/2 popped, and all burned.
17. Throw that bag in the trash and give up on popcorn.
18. As you turn to go back upstairs, a deafening alarm will sound. This will continue for about 45 minutes.
19. Become locked down in the basement as yellow caution panels drop from the ceiling and block the elevators.
20. Jump around for a minute as you panic from being locked in the basement with an alarm.
    
21. Run up the stairs. Try to laugh. It helps.
22. See the building being evacuated. Make sure you grab your handbag and MacBook from your office before heading out. You know there is not a fire and you do not want them to be stolen by some "Creed"ish employee.
23. Stand outside for almost an hour with everybody else from the building.
    
24. Watch the ****HOTT**** firemen go into your building. The fire truck will take about 35 minutes to actually get there.
25. Come back in the building after several people have laughed at you and your nose again tells you it smells popcorn. Throughout the entire building. Burnt popcorn.
26. Receive an email from the corporate office stating the following

    Effective Immediately

    Due to a recent incident involving burnt microwave popcorn, and the resulting fire alarm and fire department response, the cooking of popcorn in microwaves in Prosper facilities is no longer allowed.

    We strongly encourage all employees to closely monitor any food that you reheat microwaves so that we can avoid any such mishaps.

    If you wish to snack on popcorn at work, please cook it at home before you come to work.

27. Become the brunt of office jokes for the rest of your life. You feel like Ryan and can hear Dwight singing, "Lindsey started the fire!"
    

Va-Va-VOOMaceys

Wow. Funny experience last night.... So I went to Walgreens to check out some lip color. I never put color on my lips. I usually hate it. I never find a good color and I don't like how it looks or feels. I have heard some people comment that I should try a bright red and that I could pull it off. So, I wanted to experiment a little.

As I went up to the checkout stand, the man at the counter rang up my purchases and a manager came over and showed him when to take lunch breaks, how to sign out for the day, etc. I could tell he must be new. I saw his name tag which said, "Amber" and I laughed, deducing that he had to borrow a coworker's name tag for the day. I said, "Is your name really Amber?" with a grin on my face. "Yes. I am from different country." ohhhhhh

I was so flustered, I took the receipt I just signed and wanted to run out. He said, "Wait, I need dat, ma'am." I giggled uncomfortably and handed him the signed receipt and ran out.

"Ma'am, your bag!" Yeah... I am dumb. I had to come back and get my products.

I purchased three different lip colors with different effects (all-day lip color matte, gloss, and stain). I can return anything I don't like, so it was a harmless shopping spree. Wrong. I drove over to Maceys to buy some ice cream for the fam on my way home and decided to try the new color out before going in. Why? Because I am an idiot. I am not used to doing this... I wasn't thinking... Daylight Savings Time really does a number on my brain every year... So I put it on in the car, in the dark, with just my mirror lights. It looked great! Isn't that color lovely and bright? I liked it. I felt confident. I walked into Maceys with head held high.

I decided that since it was bright in the store, I should check out the bathroom mirror. As I passed a Hispanic man who stared me down, I felt like maybe it might be a little much. I walked into the bathroom and gasped. I should've taken a photo, but I wasn't thinking (DST again). Holy cow. Not bright. Not red. Dark, dark, purple/red lips and teeth. I looked absolutely genuinely hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing the rest of the night because guess what. It was the all-day lipcolor that will not come off for 16 hours. Why did I try that one first? Because I am a moron.

So, I just decided to do my shopping, act like I just came from a dance performance or theatrical play, and get it done and over with. As I walked up to the checkout line, I noticed Uncle Tom two customers up from me, buying his groceries. I yelled, "Tom!" and he looked at me for a minute then, loudly asked, "Hey sugar, what are you doin' tonight? Woooo!" I laughed and said, "Do NOT mention this lipstick! I was trying out a new color, it looks different on me than on the box, and I can't get it off!!!" He just kept going! "Wooo, hot stuff, hey good lookin', what are your plans?"

So there I was, getting hit on by a 50-year-old, with my Vaudeville lips in a grocery store. Then the sweet older woman in front of me turned to me and said something about how I'm not old enough to wear lipstick.

Was this really happening? Can't I just run out of here yet?

So then Tom holds up the line for a while and the older woman leaves, so I get to move up in line. The guy in front of me has just come from a run, obviously, and was in his workout clothes, with earphones in and iPod playing. I thought it was peculiar how his wallet, keys, and phone were all on the conveyor belt. What was he doing? Ohhhhhh... covering up what he was purchasing..... the few letters I could make out said TROJ..... AHHHHhhhh. Mr. embarrassed!

Tom finally gets done and the man in front of me removes his personal items, uncovering the scandalous purchase. The cashier then takes the ... box... and puts it on my ice cream, thinking we were together.

Okay, kids. Could this 15-minute visit get any more awkward??!?!

So he yells from his head-phoned-deafness "Ohhh those are SEPARATE!" I could also see an attempted laser tattoo removal on his arm. Wow! Exciting times in Orem, Utah!

So that was embarrassing

Finally, I got my purchases and headed home, where I laughed for a while. The lipcolor came off with eye makeup remover and I tried the two other colors, which I love. :)

& telley kereep!

Last night was tough. Give me a break. I have been sick, okay? Last night was especially tough, though I will not go into details on the blog. (Trust me). So, it's no surprise that i fell asleep while writing in my journal, right? Have you ever done this? It is always funny to read the next morning. I did a double-take on it this morning when I saw the slanted writing. When I picked it up to read, I remembered that I had fallen asleep while writing. I was SOBBING uncontrollably from laughing at this journal entry. I scanned it in for you to enjoy, and for those of you who cannot read my handwriting, I have typed up what I think it says. This journal is more of a "How I saw the Hand of the Lord in my life today" journal, so it's normal for me to put what I'm grateful for. I did not work out yesterday, by the way. I must have dreamed that one. Click the picture to enlarge.
My interpretation:

3/4/09 - I am so grateful for a good day, all we were able to do & get done, workout, a bit. I am so grateFirst & telley kereep any cove. I am so coutter. Tlhanks.

Uhhh... I have no explanation. Honestly. I have no idea what I even meant. I like how the "F" on "First" has three horizontal lines.

I am convinced that this is some secret Da-Vinci-Code-esque language that has been locked in my subconscious for 10 years. Maybe I need a complete psychological evaluation by a professional to unlock the secrets of my mind and uncover this deep mystery.

That "Thanks" (spelled Tlhanks) at the end kills me. Thanks? Thanks.

Tlhanks for reading, everyone.

Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, I need, I need!

I saw these shoes in a photo and want them sooo bad. Thankfully, I know that I would be seven feet tall and 100 dollars poorer if I were to purchase them, so I will not. I ask for your help then. If you can find these in a shorter heel and a cheap price, I want to be the first to know. Size 9, 9.5, or 10. Any will work. :) I do not have a thing for Elvis (Blue Suede Shoes!), but I just have a thing for these cobalt pumps! I even had a dream about them the other night. Normally I would hate the color and suede and style... but they look so hot on.

The originals are from Steve Madden. Shoe name: Trinitie.