14 years

Yes. It has been 14 long years. Sometimes it feels much longer than that and sometimes it feels not so long ago when you went away. And it still hurts to think about it.

I miss you Ma.

I saw you in my dream yesterday :-)

We had gone to see a museum. Which museum I do not remember. Its immaterial anyways. It was ONLY you that mattered.

Happy Birthday Ma!

I wish I could hug you. I still miss you so much...

Moms

Earlier whenever someone would say that Moms have 4 eyes and 4 ears I wouldn't really understand the true meaning. But yes, I would be taken by surprise many a times when Ma would know what we have been up to without being there. I also sprouted extra pair of eyes and ears when I became a Mom myself and then I truly understood the meaning of the above saying.

This post by Noodlehead reminded me of such an incident that happened way back in 1992 or 1993 when we were staying in Kolkata (known as Calcutta in those days). It was a Sunday. Ma had gone to her bedroom to take her afternoon nap after we all were done with lunch.

Suddenly it struck me and my sister to give a surprise to Mom by doing all the dishes since the maid was on leave that day. So we quietly closed the kitchen door. And were doing the dishes with utter carefulness lest we make any noise. We were talking in the lowest possible whispering sounds. We were almost done with them and had started to really feel proud when we heard Ma's voice behind us "Tum dono kya kar rahe ho?" taking us by surprise. We froze at our places for few seconds and then started to laugh. Ma being Ma, gave us a good lecture as to we needn't be doing all this and that she can manage but we knew she was happy inside. We could just feel it. At the same time we were wondering how did she know we were up to something? And we asked her so. She simply said when there is pin drop silence in the house, it means there's something fishy and then she also joined us in the laughter :D

We had tried to help her one more time, when the washing machine conked off and Appa-Ma had gone out of the house, by washing the clothes. Instead we ended up splashing and playing with water more than we did the laundry :D They returned at the most inappropriate moment with the water flowing out of the washroom and me and my sister totally drenched from head to toe. We got a really good dose that time! Now I can say it was well deserved. :D

Now that I'm a Mom myself I know I would have reacted in exactly the same ways in both the incidents as Ma did. And it makes me wonder. Is this a "mom' thing or is it because I'm her daughter?

Celebrating Ma's birthday

It was Ma's birthday yesterday. She would have been 61. When I try to imagine her but obviously I see a face that is etched in my mind from 9 years ago. Young, smiling and a happy face. Probably by now she would have had a few gray strands in her long hair. A few wrinkles here and there. And when I try to imagine her like this I smile. :)

So like every year, I went to the Blind school to celebrate Ma's birthday along with my Mama as Appa is not in town. Appa organizes lunch every year this day. Every time I go there I come back even more awed looking at these kids and adults. And every time I go there some incident happens that makes me smile and laugh.

As I stepped in the school courtyard I could hear some beautiful classical music being sung and some one playing tabla wonderfully. I looked around and saw the sign of music room on a door. I was so tempted to peep in but then I thought it won't be a good idea to disturb the class.

Yesterday, as we were waiting outside the dining hall waiting for the lunch bell to ring, one kid was approaching the eating area. Just then one of the kitchen staff rang the bell. And when this bell ringer turned around, this boy was just at the entrance. He giggled and said "Aapne bell bajayee aur main aa bhi gaya! Dekha mera jadoo!" and he walked inside to take his seat while still giggling. :)

Soon all the kids started streaming in and we kept telling each one to wash their hands before taking a seat. For the first time yesterday I saw 2-3 very little boys in the school. They would have been the same age as Anirudh. And I felt a lump in my throat seeing them. They were not even able to reach upto the wash basin. So I helped them wash their hands. I had tears welling up in my eyes when I was washing their soft baby hands thinking why? Why? Why? Here is a pic of one of them -

Then me and Mamaji laid down their plates and bowls. Then we served them matar paneer, kashifal subzi with pooris and rice kheer as dessert. Its amazing to see most of them eating with such deftness without making a mess. Some kids liked kashifal and some didn't. Some ate kheer and some didn't. But all of them relished the matar paneer.

Since the last time I saw major changes in the school. They had built a big dining area so that all the kids can eat in one go instead of two shifts that used to happen earlier. It was much more neater and cleaner and airy. The kitchen was also much bigger and had ample natural light streaming in.

So to summarise, we walked out happy and satisfied after the lunch was over.

Its been 9 years...

How I wish I could turn the time back! How I wish I could do something to go back to those times! How I wish...

But I can just wish and do nothing! And that makes me so upset that I cry...cry alone in the bedroom!

~~ Keep Smiling! ~~

Sent on my BlackBerry®.

Creativity in food!

When I made the star shaped parantha for Anriudh, everyone was raving about it. Well, the inspiration behind was 'Ma'. She used to make all these different shaped paranthas and rotis for us when we were kids. I still remember how excited we would be when we would get these shaped paranthas/rotis in our plates at dinner time. And then I think of her and realise how she thought of doing such little little things that used to make us so happy. She had no helping hand at home and she had to feed a bunch of hungry hoards comprising of 8 people! Cooking, cleaning, laundry in those washing machine-less days, teaching us and yet she felt the desire to do something extra for us.

I know I can't match up to her even one bit, but yes I try to do whatever little things she used to do, that made us so happy, with Anirudh too. And this was one little effort towards that.

I've made an 'A' alphabet roti for him once, a sun and a simple round roti with a smiley face on it. And he has loved it each time! And I love to see that twinkle in his eyes when he finds them in his dinner plate...just like us when we used to get them too!

Its so true that we re-live our childhood with our kids!

Celebrating Ma's birthday at the blind school!

Every year on this day Appa sponsors the lunch at the blind school on the Panchkuian Road, New Delhi (near connaught place) to celebrate Ma's birthday! So we go there and serve food to the children.

It is such a nice feeling to see them enjoying something as basic as 'matar paneer' and going 'wow' over it. I said basic because that's how we feel about it. But not them. For them its something really special. Seeing them relishing the matar paneer, boondi raita, bhindi and roti gave us such a satisfaction. Whenever we would serve them something, most of them would without fail would say 'Thank you" so sweetly and sometimes in a sing-song tone. And that's when I felt, its worth it! Worth everything.

Since the lunch room is not large enough to feed all the members/children in one go, there are 2 shifts. In the second shift, as I was serving a boy of about 12-14 yrs, I saw that he suddenly smiled and said "Kya hua chhotu?" I wondered who he was talking to and looked around. I saw a little boy of about 5-6 yrs of age walking in the lunch room. He followed the voice of the elder boy and reached him. I think the little boy sensed me standing close to him and in a low tone said something to the older one. The elder one grinned from ear to ear and stood up and hunched towards the little boy and told him to speak in his ear. The little boy said something and the elder one replied "Aata hoon!" and then the little one shyly went away. And then I happened to glance at Appa who was also looking at these boys talking and was smiling. Appa and me just looked at each other and smiled. And thats when I felt that these children are no different than us!

This was the first time I took Anirudh to this place. I had told him that we will go and give party to some children because of Nani's birthday. But I guess I should have told him more about these children because he was getting a bit uncomfortable seeing them behaving a bit differently. I did try and tell him that they cannot see because they got hurt in the eyes. He nodded as if he understood but I do not really know how much he did!

Happy Birthday Ma!

Happy Birthday Ma! How I wish I could hug you today. How I wish you were here today. Anirudh would have also wished you in his sweet little voice saying "Happy birthday Nani!" I'm sure you would have rejoiced hearing him sing the 'Happy Birthday' song which he loves to sing because birthdays mean lot of fun. Birthdays mean that he will get to eat a CAKE and have some balloons too :D

Its been more than 7 years since you have been gone but it seems like ages. And sometimes it seems just like yesterday. So many times I think about if we could have done anything differently for you to be here today with us. Just anything....

Ma

I feel I've understood you Ma in true sense only after becoming a mother myself. There are so many things that we overlooked or took for granted earlier whose importance I realise now.

Ma, how did you learn to be so patient with us? I seem to be a total failure when I look back as I just cannot remember you shouting even 1/10th of the times that I shout at Anirudh. He's just one kid and you had four!

Ma, from where did you get the patience of teaching us our subjects whereas I get really irritated and angry when after telling Anirudh twice what 'S' looks like he still cannot recognise it among the group of alphabets in front of him?

Ma, how did you tend to us when we were sick and still went on with the rest of the house chores without a frown on your face? Here its just Anirudh and I feel so drained out in just half a day when he's not well and the house looks like a tornado hit it.

Ma, where did you get the energy to teach us after taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, even stitching clothes for us? After few hours at work when I come back home, I've no energy to play with Anirudh and if I do, literally have to force myself physically. And after a while I just let him sit in front of TV to watch cartoons.

This space is too less to write about the various other things that I feel so awed about you, what you did and how you did when I look back and realise that I cannot do even minuscule proportion of them myself.

However good or bad we have been, you loved us to no end and were proud of us no matter what. I remember your ever smiling face except for occasional times and days when you would not be happy or be angry about something but only momentarily - at least you never let it show for too long. Your long silky hair which I feel so glad to have inherited from you. I remember how much I loved combing them because they felt so nice and soft. When I look at your pictures now and then I feel how you looked so beautiful naturally and never had to use any makeup like we have to.

We had our share of fights as Mother and a difficult daughter too but on the whole it was a can't-live-without relationship :D

I'm sorry for all the times I've troubled you Ma, for the worries I've caused.

I still remember your face expressions when you saw me climbed atop the 30-35 foot high water tank behind our house in Iraq when I was just about 8 yrs of age and how you were so scared when I was climbing down after getting a big big scolding from you for playing so dangerously. Its only now I can imagine how horrified you must have been because I get jitters when I think of me in your position and Anirudh atop that tank. I still went on to do such pranks but I tried best that you don't come to know about them. And I worry when I think of Anirudh doing the same to me. I worry so much for his safety just like you did for us.

I remember the various yummy dishes that you used to try out in various cuisines. Your sizzlers, your mysore pak, your yummy sabudana pakoras, the yummy mughlai palak which I also make and everyone loves and I so proudly tell them that Ma taught me this recipe. And ohh how can I forget the chunk chops mixed vegetable that I learnt from you. Every time I make and whosoever has eaten it till date just can't stop raving about it. I again proudly tell them that Ma invented this dish! And every time..yes EVERY TIME I eat samosa's I think of you coz I know how you loved them :D

I remember how lovingly you made the special mango pickle for all of us just a month before you left us... though only physically. It amazes me how you got all that energy when your body was so drained out with the fight against the illness.

I had always admired your determination and I will also try to be as determined as you were Ma. I saw your determination to get well and get over with the illness. I was so shocked learning about it and instead of me trying to give you strength it was the other way round. Seeing you totally unnerved by it and going around just like you used to earlier gave me the courage to face it and the hope to fight it back.

I can never forget the birthday just few days after your surgery, when we communicated with just using our eyes and smiles..words would have failed to convey what your eyes and smile did. You were still in the ICU with IVs running though your hands and so many machines around you monitoring how you are progressing after the surgery. I clearly remember your smiling face with a questioning nod as if asking me if its my birthday and when I nodded in affirmation, you lifted your hand to pat mine - wishing me 'Happy Birthday!'. It has been the best birthday wish for me so far...where words were not required and we understood each other completely.

Every single day I hope that a time will come when you will come back and be with us again!

I still remember those special Rs 10 that you used to give us whenever we would go out to spend on things we wanted. Even when we grew up and went to college we always looked forward to that special Rs 10 despite the fact that you had given us enough for our expenses. :D After all those were THE SPECIAL Rs. 10 for us...very special.

Whenever I wear the Sarees that you used to wear, I can so clearly see you wearing them. And I get a certain kind of happiness as it feels that you are so much close to me then.

But then you have always been close to us even though not physically but in our thoughts, in our memories in everything. You will always be there. I know you know it but still I want to say it "We love you Ma".

Feeling vindicated for my Ma!

One day out of the blue when I was looking at my younger sister's kid's pictures, suddenly I felt so overwhelmed and somehow got a feeling that we, her four daughters, have vindicated our Ma! Vindicated? Ma? "How" and "what for" must be the words resonating in your minds.

I don't even know if vindicating is the right word to use for my feeling. We were four daughters to our parents. For the society we live in, it wasn't a great situation for them. "Four daughters?? OMG!! No son!! How sad...", "Ek ladka hota to achha hota!" etc..etc. That's the kind of remarks that we used to hear. We had been hearing them all the time but started to comprehend them quite later as we grew up. Before that it just meant having a brother to tie rakhi's to. When I started understanding those comments I wanted to get back to those people then and there. But Ma wouldnt let me saying they are our elders and we shouldn't talk back to them. But hearing such comments for Ma used to make me soooooooo very angry and how I wished then that I could have been a grown up person then to defend her..stand by her...comfort her..be a wall between her and the people who said these things...and tell those stupid people to go mind their own business.

I guess I can go on and on about the girl child issue and rather would write about it some day but currently it will deviate me from the thought behind this post. Now so many years later, her four daughters have a son each! Not one, not two, but all of her four daughters are mothers to a male child! If she had been here, I'm sure she must have swelled with pride. On second thoughts..would she? No. I don't think so. yes I'm sure about it. It never bothered her then that we were girls so why would she have been any different now. For her our children would be just her adorable, lovable grandchildren.

I don't know why I feel so but the fact of the matter is I do! Probably because the thinking of our previous generation and even today's generation is still the same. No change despite better education, better living styles. Nopes. Zilch. I still remember the comments I heard from people after I had my son. "Good that the first child is a boy! Now you don't have to worry whatever your 2nd child is whether a girl or a boy!" When we, me and DH, used to talk to the baby as a girl (when I was still pregnant) and would tell people that how we have thought of a name for the baby for a girl, we would hear statements like "Yeah, whatever the child is its good as long as they are healthy but if its a boy it would be better!" DH used to just ignore such statements. They never bothered him. But I would get so very angry listening to them.

I don't have seperate set of emotions whether the child I'm looking at is a girl or a boy. Do you? For us i.e. me and my sisters, they are just our adorable kids..whom we started loving even before they were born. For us the factor of a boy or girl comes into the picture only probably when we go buying for clothes and toys for them :D

Probably I'm getting influenced by the people around me..the comments they make. I have lost count of how many times I've heard this statement from so many people "She didn't have a son herself but all her daughter's have sons!" or "How happy she would have been to see her four boy grandchildren!"

I don't know if my feeling of being victorious for Ma is right or wrong. I don't even know if I should feel this way at all. What I surely know is even though Ma is not with us now, she would be so happy and contented to see her lovely grandchildren from up there. Probably she even comes down when we are unaware to caress and kiss her grandchildren!