Full Disclosure

Sundays are exhausting.

All the best intensions cannot get me in bed before 1am on a Saturday night. And I lay there thinking about the small chance of reverb that people will hear when Josh talks instead of singing. I think about the videos, team, and of course, the possibility that I may not make it on time. Ever. And I beat myself up for not playing on the worship team, singing, but instead, filling in with media when its needed. Thinking the gifts the Father has bestowed upon me will never be good enough for corporate worship...and well, its a healthy fear. I see, hear and am privy to most of what people say in encouragement or out of insecurity to my husband each week. And I don't want to get up there, no way!

Sunday was a particularly stressful day. And while I was prepared for it, you're never really prepared for it. You can pray against spiritual warfare and sometimes you are just overwhelmingly weary. This was the case, excited for worship, needing the Holy Spirit to my change my attitude, consume heart, give me peace and out of humanity, of course I ran a muck. We are in a new church body, having moved into it full time in September and also moving into a new facility. Its a stressful time because real live humans are running the church, as in sinful people, albeit redeemed by Christ and covered by His life-giving blood, still human. I am always reminded of my own humanity in those times reflecting and singing about the Holiness of God. I know God doesn't always want me to feel defeated, but those are Sundays for me.

Cut to Sunday afternoon as my Mom was driving up to see us for a day or so, my husband had to stay unexpectedly for a 2 hour meeting at church and I was trying to take care of a sick puppy dog. I was over it. Done. Completely done and dreading the 2 hour city wide prayer service that Joshua was helping out with later that evening. He was home for a total of 30 minutes on Sunday afternoon to wash dishes and hear my very colorful remarks about the day. And you wonder why we have no children yet. Can you say "Type A" personality?

Sunday afternoon usually means lifegroups, but we were having our second city-wide prayer service. Sounds fun, right? I didn't want to go to this thing and I purposely asked for the setlist for the night before I weighed my decision to attend.  We were late and still using brightly colored words, we made our way into the worship center at Sherman Bible. And I'm not kidding, the false security, hope, maturity that I was clothing myself in was stripped off, because the Spirit of God was there and I was unholy. I couldn't stand in the presence of the Lord with false pretense. And God sent the spirit of freedom to restore my soul. You see, our church Pastors in our community had been praying for a movement like this for the last 4 years

And it changed my life.

Sunday changed my life, it changed my mind about our role in ministry, and I left my exit strategy at the door. I have no idea what Heaven is like but in an instant God showed how He redeemed our last two years, how he reconciled my family and is creating a new purpose out a pure heart. He washed me clean by exposing those wounds and it was painful, but beautiful, hopeful. He continues to fulfill His promises. Isn't that incredible? We are not abandoned, Praise His Name!

The night continued with total freedom in the Spirit, being prayed over in different languages, crying out without judgement, speaking about the Holiness and Goodness of God, and we were lead by such dear men of faith. It changed my view of God, my community, my husband, my family, myself. And we shared it as the Body of Christ. And to do it together non-denominationally, well, that never happens. To be given the gift of seeing my husband be a part was significant. I miss that our part of our lives like I never thought I would and I wasn't even a part of Common Ground.

I will probably continue to post more about the ONE Movement. Please make it a priority to be a part of what God has ordained in our city. If your church is not involved, please ask about it or just check it out for yourself. I'll sit with you! Please be in prayer for our TEXOMA community and those leading out in this. Peace & Grace.

http://churchoftexoma.com

Thanksgiving

First, I feel the need to reintroduce myself! Its been a minute or two. The Grammon's have made the move to the thriving metropolis of Sherman, Texas. There are many things this town lacks, but friendships, truth, the Gospel keeps us from grumbling about the grocery store here. Joshua is serving at Legacy Bible Church. We are moving into our first building this December. It has been nonstop since we moved in September! What a blessing!

I felt the need to share a quick note with the holidays before us.  I know God made us different, special for the good of His Kingdom, but it at times seems to be a nuisance to us instead of teaching us mercy. We are met with discontentment in regards to state of our families around the holidays. The majority of "strong" "faithful" believers perceive ourselves as the minority...our relatives just don't get what is really important during this time of year. And we take a cue from Jesus and His Holy, Righteous anger and start turning over tables in the "temple" right after thanksgiving dinner.  I only type this because I am pretty much blessed with "holy anger" as a spiritual gift and no tact...at all. And the truth is, our families may not be there yet. And while we I am winded from the spectacle of calling people out, I leave little room for the grace (that I receive every minute) and the fruit the spirit that I know I have. And our time together (which is a complete blessing, just ask those who are missing loved ones) is tainted with our own christian/political agendas (sadly, pretty much the same thing in Texas) and it has NOTHING to do with Gospel.

So what would a Gospel-Centered Day of Thanksgiving look like for us? Grace would still be difficult to give, but equipped with the Spirit of God, all things are possible, right? And everyone has a difficult relative (it's me in my family....blah blah black sheep or so I think), but everyone longs /needs a Holy Love. So may our attitudes be that of Christ, that we could point people to God and model his behavior. It won't be easy given our humanity, but hopefully our families will be encouraged and open to a relationship with Christ this holiday. Here's to the Gospel proclaimed in our homes and hearts this season! God bless us with your wisdom!

Proverbs 16-18 (So much wisdom and redirection to be found)

From the heart of a most irreverent, non-religious girl...it is truly ironic I'm married to a pastor.

Time may change me...

Well friends, our game plan has changed indefinitely. We will be staying in Dallas for the next few months, working and saving money, waiting for direction on what God has next for us. Please pray for us during this time of transition, it has not been easy. I must admit that we've felt like Jonah in this. We now know what its like to be displaced/homeless/jobless. Its a scary thing.

Thank you to our friends for putting everything on hold to encourage us yesterday, empathizing with us, giving hope in overcoming similar situations. I just can't thank you enough. We are truly rich. We still have our health & faith. We are not being abandoned. I say that to myself everyday.

I am still working.here.in dallas. If you need a photographer for a session or product photography, I'm your girl. I'm still available for travel.would.love.to.travel. Josh is also working on a new project and will be launching very soon. I'm really excited for him!

So that's the deal. Its taking some time for us to process all of this so please allow us to work through things and talk when we are ready. Thanks for listening and praying.

Cue David Bowie...C-C-Changes...

gluten, you make me sick...

As if there weren't enough life changes going on, we add to the list...maybe that was a little more dramatic than I intended. When we moved 4 weeks ago, I woke up one morning and realized that I was allergic to gluten. It was kinda like all clear. And you know...I was right. I am allergic to gluten.

I am not going hungry.  My entire family and good friend Sunni has helped to give me alot of solutions. The greatest thing is that Austin is an extremely health conscious city so I can basically eat anywhere. Fantastic. I'm not just limited to rice!

I've been struggling the last 3 years with a crazy amount of weight gain. Yes, its true. But it came out of no where...I hear that so many girls gain weight the first year of marriage but it happened after the second year and all at once. I went to a few different doctors asking for thyroid tests and other stuff. And it just happened to be gluten. I'm grateful for that because I'd been killing myself at the gym with no results. I even did p90x and the scales didn't budge. Anyways, I'm glad to not be crazy.

I have more energy than I've ever had and I'm seeing results. And I'm not starving myself (good things from a girl who really struggled with an eating disorder). We joined a gym this week so we'll see what happens. I hope to post a few gluten free friendly recipes each month. And they won't tast like crap. I promise you that! I also want to do a comparision for different gluten free products as well. Cheers!

Q&A

Sunday was an amazing day. I feel as though we were given all of the GRACE our minds could process. During major life changes, i think questioning is part of it. I don't think I was ever at a place where I asked, "Is this really the right thing for our family?" after the move, certainly before. But even thought I might have not ever asked God that question, I think I still searched out an answer.

Is this really the right thing to do?

My answer came Sunday evening, the middle of a worship service. This was probably the 5th time I ever had the opportunity to sit next to my husband during worship. Unfamiliar. Strange. And I hear:

this is a call to all the dead and disappointed
the ones who feel like they are done
this is a word to all the ones who feel forgotten
but you are not

I look up to see tears running down Joshua's face. A phenomenon talked about but never seen. I, myself, had already been in tears. Doubt leaves me. Doubt that had been there for years. Doubt mixed with fear. A whole lotta fear if I'm being honest.

We listen to One Sonic Society as they lead us. It was as if we were sitting in God's lap. And he held Joshua and me firmly. I knew we didn't make this decision to move on our own. God was leading it. You hear people say things like that all the time. I can honestly say I hadn't ever felt more love in my life. Like all the busyness of the last couple of months stopped and we were there with God's Spirit. Never away from it but not aware for the last few months.

I feel remarkably clean after Sunday...Does that make sense? God used it in such a lovely way. Even though we are still commuting, I feel relieved to know this is the right thing. I feel justified, maybe even holy. This is where we are this week. Dreaming again.

And not that there is anything mystical about this music, but I would check out All Sons & Daughters and One Sonic Society. Its just plain good for the soul.

Messages

Hey, there are a few people who have asked if the messages from Riverpoint Austin are online and they are. We are in middle of a great series called LIVE LOVE. We've had 2 messages in the series (1) Love God & (2) Love Others.

I have to admit that I am not as great of a notetaker as I used to be...maybe I feel like I know everything the speaker is going to say already...anyways, Chris' messages have made me listen well and I thought I would share. You can find them here

Purgatory Part 1

Well, we are now residents of Texas. We survived the move and are settling into our own personal version of "purgatory" as we commute each week from Dallas to Austin so Josh can work at Riverpoint on Sundays. I have a make shift office complete with a piano at my mother's house. I am enjoying the change of scenery and the nightly visits with my grandpa.

I feel completely made over being in Dallas...I am a Texas girl, now and forever. I did, however, underestimate the tremendous loss that we feel without our friends from home. We grew extremely close to a few families from Twin Cities Bible Church & Portico. We try to skype with the Bonners every week and when I say skype, I mean the guys dominating the convo and the girls just listening, waiting for our girl talk via phone later in the week. It works for us and the time is invaluable. We have missed keeping up with everyone. We were able to share a meal with Bo (our pastor from Twin Cities) and his son Tanner this weekend in Waco. They took our picture and used it in their newsletter reminding people to continue to pray for us. We are/were so blessed to be a part of that community. We continue to learn from their wisdom and kindness. I'm glad they haven't shunned us into looking at the bigger, better deal that awaits them...we are still a family. 

We've been able to catch up with old friends and meet new people. I was fearful that people would continue to dismiss the possibility of friendship with me here, but it has not been the case. Looking back at Louisiana, it was the driest time for me spiritually, teaching me to endure every day because I was called to commit no matter what I was given in return. I realize that God was training my heart instead of training my behavior. Does that make sense? Training my heart to love like his heart...and there are still people I have no love for in my life (is the absence of love really hate? could be)...some day I will have the compassion he wants me to have. 

Back to the point, people actually want to be my friend and be involved in our family...it is almost shocking. Why is this the case? Why shock? 

After living in LA for 3 years, I believed that I lost my confidence in almost everything. Why? I don't think I'll ever really know. I lost my luster, zeal for life. And putting pressure on my husband to fill all of those of roles of friend, husband, family, co-worker, minister, prince charming, etc., just wasn't fair. It made both of us crazy! Just goes to show you know matter how committed you are to each other, christian slogans or not, you can still be "caught in a bad romance".  God is giving us more outlets and rebuilding what grew our of very dry ground. And the human spirit is resilient, but God's Spirit is sovereign. Can I get an "Amen"? 

So its nice to have people want to know me and miraculously, I am able to trust & try. And part of me thinks I lost myself because I fought so hard for community and by the time we really found it, I was so exhausted that I did it half heartedly (thank you Bonners for understanding that). So we are ready to go once again! We want to give to our community and church. God has put together an incredible team for the Grammons to be a part of in conjunction with Riverpoint Church in Austin. Sunni & Chris have welcomed us in and made us a part of their team/family. It is amazing. 

So these are my thoughts on moving forward. Please continue to pray for us as we have another interview with our apt complex. We would like things to be finalized very soon! Thanks for listening!

The Unknown

Its been a long while since my last entry. I decided to reprise my guest spot on this, my personal blog being that there is so much going on in our household now.  Joshua is wrapping up his time at portico while still remaining faithful to honor his commitment. I cannot tell you how he inspires me to forgive and move on. Well, I should give credit where it is due, he continually reminds me of the gospel each day but he vowed to do so during our wedding ceremony. I am struggling to stay ahead of the curve when it comes to work. Business couldn't be better but I am wearing thin in stamina department. I am thankful and completely convinced that I would be driving myself (and Joshua) crazy with possible moving scenarios if not for the mountain of work that is on my desk.

If you are so inclined to journey with us through prayer, please consider praying for us on Wednesday, August 3. We have an interview with a ministry. Nothing is set in stone although thats not what most say. We are still trying to discern God's plan; we are apart of it, I'm sure. Would you please pray for our stress level in addition?

At this point in our story together, I look back and think that God has blessed us while showing his discipline. We have lived through some of our greatest fears (or mine) coming true. I am sad at the possibility of closing this chapter, moving from our first home, leaving behind our cgb family. But I am excited to work in a new capacity, let go of the apathetic. Each day has a new set of challenges and I believe we are equipped.

I feel tired thinking about this decision now, it has been hard to trust the people we looked to protect our interests. I know now that I should've only trusted God. The law of man seems to think that you can earn trust and that if people loved you, they wouldn't betray you. But the only thing you can count on is that everyone will eventually disappoint you except God. We should expect the humanity of our friends and family to come out.  As followers of Christ, we are to be gracious and forgiving. Grudges don't nearly provide the example of the Gospel we wish they would. Forgiveness is a great mystery of God. It is a true gift that he bestows on us, we should give it more. Difficulty shows the cracks in our foundation and the fact that we will always be "in repair".