searching for hope........

‎"There's no better place to search for hope than the future; a concept that gives everyone in 
existence a reason to live." — Amy Newak

"When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny."
— Paulo Coelho (The Devil and Miss Prym)

...in a time lacking in truth and certainty and filled with anguish and despair, no woman should be shamefaced in attempting to give back to the world, through her work, a portion of its lost heart. ~ Louise Bogan 

i am starting a daily devotional thing, this is in the opening. somehow, something about it, spoke to my heart.

i have wanted to give back for some time. i am hopping this will give me the push.

btw i am writing this after taking my @mbien and am still awake so excuse me if this goes off course. 

today was my sons 12th birthday.i can not believe he went from this 

today was my sons 12th birthday.i can not believe he went from this

to this.........

you can hardly tell it is the same kid.

time goes by way to fast & i am just sitting back enjoying the moments.

don't get me wrong it is not all rainbows and butterflies over here, but we are making do and getting by with the help of some awesome family & friends. 

and though as it is our life will never be quite normal, maybe in our own way we can make it something even better........

i really hope so. 

so happy birthday to my boy. who fought his tuffest battle before he ever left the hospital. you were so strong then i don't care if you want to sit back and coast for a while.

but i did like your idea about scuba diving and i don't think i am going to let that dream go anytime soon.

happy birthday cam & to wyatt, ethan, mary, & our little stars i love you all to the moon and back ~ mommy

it makes no sense, but i want it .
and i know nobody wants me to want it or think about wanting it.
but it is all i think about, it is all i have ever felt meant to do. i have no other real goals.
what am i suppose to do? where do i go from here.

"There's a reason we refer to "leaps of faith" - because the decision to consent to any notion of divinity is a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable, and I don't care how diligently scholars of every religion will try to sit you down with their stacks of books and prove to you through scripture that their faith is indeed rational; it isn't. If faith were rational, it wouldn't be - by definition - faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Risk more than others think is safe, care more than others think is wise, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible.

Cadet Maxim

Over the last few hours I’ve allowed myself to feel defeated, and just like she said if you allow yourself to feel the way you really feel, maybe you won’t be afraid of that feeling anymore.

― Tori Amos, Death: The High Cost of Living

Don’t be ashamed to weep; ‘tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.

 Brian Jacques, Taggerung

fight club

This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.  ~Chuck Palahniuk

"If you don't know what you want," the doorman said, "you end up with a lot you don't."  ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

wyatt would have been 21 months today. wishing he was here to take silly pictures with, love and cuddle on, and find any reason to celebrate his day. i can not believe it has been almost two years.

happy day little one. i miss you so.

"It is a normal parental instinct to miss our children when they are away from us. So it is, that for however long it takes, 10 or 25 or 100 years until I see Wyatt again, I will miss him. It may not be as socially acceptable to talk about my child who has died but I miss him all the same."

missing him
loving him
longing for the day I will hold him again

The road to happiness does not end with a ring on your finger. Glass slippers are tucked within the hearts of strong and amazing women who have romanced themselves with adventures of hope and assurance. I believe that where there is hope, there is love. For the brokenhearted, there is healing. For the lonely, there is comfort. For the weary, there is rest. For the anguished, there is peace. ~ Christy H. Williams

for the love of quotes.........

i love them. maybe it is because i am not very prolific myself. but i find they speak to my heart. here are a few i found today.

‎"We're all broken at one time or another in our lives. It's what we decide to do with the scattered puzzle pieces that decide the next step, the next story of our lives."

"I'm still young, fairly healthy and I know love will come my way once more.

Then, I'll remember how to dance again.

I'll see all the colors once more. I'll routinely move mountains again.

If hope ends, all else fails."

"Avoid getting trapped in someone else's story. Be the author of your own life."

i am trying to live out my "new normal". it is hard. it keeps changing. (even though i hate change) but it is mine to live. it is time to start living my story.