dear baby,
what i wouldn't do to be in that moment again. i would not have taken one single moment for granted. i never would have left your side. i miss you soo much.
i love you to the moon and back,
your mommy
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
if only...
"If only there could be an invention that bottled up a memory, like scent. And it never faded, and it never got stale. And then, when one wanted it, the bottle could be uncorked, and it would be like living the moment all over again.....I'd like to keep this moment and never forget it."- Daphne du Maurier
dear baby,
what i wouldn't do to be in that moment again. i would not have taken one single moment for granted. i never would have left your side. i miss you soo much.
i love you to the moon and back,
your mommy
dear baby,
what i wouldn't do to be in that moment again. i would not have taken one single moment for granted. i never would have left your side. i miss you soo much.
i love you to the moon and back,
your mommy
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
9 mths.
i buried my son 9 mths ago today. monday the 23rd.
it was a nice memorial, a nice day.
(but can it really be a nice day if you are burying your child?)
this is the poem we read before the balloon release
we released 26 balloons for each week he was with us.
this is my prayer for today.......9 mths. later..............
Oh my Heavenly Father, I come in humble prayer. Not to beg for miracles, just faith to not despair. If I fail to see your wisdom, give me faith to never doubt it. Help me bear the cross you send, and not complain about it.~Helen Steiner Rice
paula
dear wyatt,
wow....my love for you grows still.....and i will miss you forever.....you will always be my sunshine.
xoxo,
mommy
it was a nice memorial, a nice day.
(but can it really be a nice day if you are burying your child?)
this is the poem we read before the balloon release
we released 26 balloons for each week he was with us.
this is my prayer for today.......9 mths. later..............
Oh my Heavenly Father, I come in humble prayer. Not to beg for miracles, just faith to not despair. If I fail to see your wisdom, give me faith to never doubt it. Help me bear the cross you send, and not complain about it.~Helen Steiner Rice
paula
dear wyatt,
wow....my love for you grows still.....and i will miss you forever.....you will always be my sunshine.
xoxo,
mommy
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
share
i have been catching up on some of my reading. i occasionally fall off the map and on the weekends i don't get on because i think it bothers my hubs. this passage was found at from under the weeping willow ,which is written by mandy. it seems to really speak to the way i have been feeling and i thought it was nice to find someone who feels the same way too.
I've seemed to hit "that point"
The one that attaches itself to your future the very minute that your child dies. The one when people expect you to be you again. When it is no longer acceptable for you to want to stay home in your own cocoon of solitude which is away from pregnant women, babies, infants and young children (boys in my case). The point where your smiles can no longer be pasted on and your laughs can no longer be forced. The point when you are supposed to apply your mascara in the morning and have lush black lashes all day long. It is when you are supposed to emerge from your chrysalis of comfort re-energized, reinvigorated and ready to not only face life but to live life fully once again with your head held high, smile in place, heels on.
Except I am not there yet. Not even close to be honest. No one asks if I need help any longer, if I need a break, if there's anything they can do. My last and most true supporter has now also abandoned me, perhaps fed up with my grief or maybe with what my grief has done to me. This point probably sucks worse than the immediate aftermath of my child's death. Then I felt protected and surrounded by love. Now I feel alone in the desert, thirsty but too tired to even search for water anymore, desperate for an oasis to find me.
I want, no I need, for it to be okay to not want to be in public because I still dread seeing pregnant women and hearing babies cry, for it to be okay to avoid scheduling play dates for my daughter with her friend's mother because that woman has had five healthy children in eight years (two boys and three girls), for me to take my children to the park less because it is a magnet for pregnant women and young children who are all so much happier than I am, and for me to cry for my sons and sometimes for myself. I am trying to emerge but it's so hard and so much harder when all I feel is the weight of others' expectations.
i think her writing is awesome and i wish i could express my feelings the way she does, but i like it when i do find it (the way i have been feeling) put down in words.
paula
I've seemed to hit "that point"
The one that attaches itself to your future the very minute that your child dies. The one when people expect you to be you again. When it is no longer acceptable for you to want to stay home in your own cocoon of solitude which is away from pregnant women, babies, infants and young children (boys in my case). The point where your smiles can no longer be pasted on and your laughs can no longer be forced. The point when you are supposed to apply your mascara in the morning and have lush black lashes all day long. It is when you are supposed to emerge from your chrysalis of comfort re-energized, reinvigorated and ready to not only face life but to live life fully once again with your head held high, smile in place, heels on.
Except I am not there yet. Not even close to be honest. No one asks if I need help any longer, if I need a break, if there's anything they can do. My last and most true supporter has now also abandoned me, perhaps fed up with my grief or maybe with what my grief has done to me. This point probably sucks worse than the immediate aftermath of my child's death. Then I felt protected and surrounded by love. Now I feel alone in the desert, thirsty but too tired to even search for water anymore, desperate for an oasis to find me.
I want, no I need, for it to be okay to not want to be in public because I still dread seeing pregnant women and hearing babies cry, for it to be okay to avoid scheduling play dates for my daughter with her friend's mother because that woman has had five healthy children in eight years (two boys and three girls), for me to take my children to the park less because it is a magnet for pregnant women and young children who are all so much happier than I am, and for me to cry for my sons and sometimes for myself. I am trying to emerge but it's so hard and so much harder when all I feel is the weight of others' expectations.
i think her writing is awesome and i wish i could express my feelings the way she does, but i like it when i do find it (the way i have been feeling) put down in words.
paula
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
dear ???? and my mother's day weekend
i lost a follower. that is kind of sad. i am not really in to that whole aspect of blogging yet. i don't really do this for anyone else, i mainly do this for me. but it is sad when you see your numbers falling. well, poo. i have been reading "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff " ,and in the grand scheme of things, that is what this is, but i hope i didn't offend anyone and if i did, i am genuinely sorry. but, for now, moving on......
i didn't post on mother's day. i didn't know what or how to say anything that was swirling around in this big ole' noodle of mine. mother's day is what it is and was what it was. i am a mother. i am a mother to seven. i have two here with me. i am a lucky lady. but i am a sad one too. mother's day, sunday, was wyatt's nine month birthday. he was born on 8/8 on a sun. so that was A LOT.
fri. i received a mother's day gift from a super sweet lady, nicole, who had a giveaway on her blog, 60piggies, in honor of mother's day. here is a picture.....
isn't it lovely.....and i won it!!! i love to win!!! (me thinks it is because i rarely ever do. :( i tend to feel like a bit of a Loser.) i won!!! yay, me!!! a little bit about the necklace......enat equals mama in amharic (nicole has been working through the fsi amharic course with her bee) and she topped the heart with a baby pearl for each child ( i got seven, one for each of my babies, those here with me and those forever in my heart.) i got to wear it on mother's day and it is my only piece of jewelery that represents all my babies and it is soooo unique and it made my momma's heart proud.
also, on fri., a couple of the boys in my class made me a mother's day card. it was super sweet. and then in the next class we made mother's day cards for their moms and i got to have a hard? touching? conversation with a couple of the kids in my room who have both recently lost their mother's and what to do with the cards they made, if they decided to make them, and we talked about taking it to their graves and i told them about how i take things like that to wyatt's and it was touching? and hard? but i think they liked? having some one to talk too. who knows, it was defiantly an experience.
on sat. i got to go pick out my mother's day present. i got a new, fancy camera. i don't know how to work it, but i got it. :) then, i took my mom and daughter to see RENT the musical at The Nashville Dinner Theatre. we had a really nice time. i also bought my daughter a new dress at a little boutique (it was on sale) for her for mother's day because, god bless her, she mother's me sooooo well. she has truly helped me get through these last few months. k if you are reading this I LOVE YOU!!!! YOU ARE THE BEST!!!
sun. i debated the whole church thing and church lost. but my mom and i decided to go visit my niece, who has spina bifida, who was in the hospital with pneumonia. we drove 10 hours round trip to visit her in memphis. she loved seeing us and had exhausted herself trying to stay awake for us and fell asleep 30 minutes after we got there. but we made a little girl really happy and i got to visit with my sister and wear my new necklace. so all in all it wasn't a horrible day. and when i got home my daughter had made me a lemon cake and my hubs had bought me cherry garcia ice cream and cherry 7up. so i totally scored and mother's day wasn't so bad after all.
i still miss my boy. i still miss all my babies. but i always will and that will never change. so mother's day and all the day's that follow, i will mother the memories of them.
paula
dear wyatt, i miss you sweet boy. i am so sorry you are not here for me to love and cuddle. i am sorry i let your day slip by and didn't celebrate you. but i never stop thinking about you and i am soo honored that you made me a mother for the 7th time. i love all your brother's and sister's sooo much and am glad that we got YOU as an addition to our family. you will always be my little monkey. words will never accurately describe the love i have for you. make a family sandwich for me. hugs and kisses all around.
with all my love,
mommy
i didn't post on mother's day. i didn't know what or how to say anything that was swirling around in this big ole' noodle of mine. mother's day is what it is and was what it was. i am a mother. i am a mother to seven. i have two here with me. i am a lucky lady. but i am a sad one too. mother's day, sunday, was wyatt's nine month birthday. he was born on 8/8 on a sun. so that was A LOT.
fri. i received a mother's day gift from a super sweet lady, nicole, who had a giveaway on her blog, 60piggies, in honor of mother's day. here is a picture.....
also, on fri., a couple of the boys in my class made me a mother's day card. it was super sweet. and then in the next class we made mother's day cards for their moms and i got to have a hard? touching? conversation with a couple of the kids in my room who have both recently lost their mother's and what to do with the cards they made, if they decided to make them, and we talked about taking it to their graves and i told them about how i take things like that to wyatt's and it was touching? and hard? but i think they liked? having some one to talk too. who knows, it was defiantly an experience.
on sat. i got to go pick out my mother's day present. i got a new, fancy camera. i don't know how to work it, but i got it. :) then, i took my mom and daughter to see RENT the musical at The Nashville Dinner Theatre. we had a really nice time. i also bought my daughter a new dress at a little boutique (it was on sale) for her for mother's day because, god bless her, she mother's me sooooo well. she has truly helped me get through these last few months. k if you are reading this I LOVE YOU!!!! YOU ARE THE BEST!!!
sun. i debated the whole church thing and church lost. but my mom and i decided to go visit my niece, who has spina bifida, who was in the hospital with pneumonia. we drove 10 hours round trip to visit her in memphis. she loved seeing us and had exhausted herself trying to stay awake for us and fell asleep 30 minutes after we got there. but we made a little girl really happy and i got to visit with my sister and wear my new necklace. so all in all it wasn't a horrible day. and when i got home my daughter had made me a lemon cake and my hubs had bought me cherry garcia ice cream and cherry 7up. so i totally scored and mother's day wasn't so bad after all.
i still miss my boy. i still miss all my babies. but i always will and that will never change. so mother's day and all the day's that follow, i will mother the memories of them.
paula
dear wyatt, i miss you sweet boy. i am so sorry you are not here for me to love and cuddle. i am sorry i let your day slip by and didn't celebrate you. but i never stop thinking about you and i am soo honored that you made me a mother for the 7th time. i love all your brother's and sister's sooo much and am glad that we got YOU as an addition to our family. you will always be my little monkey. words will never accurately describe the love i have for you. make a family sandwich for me. hugs and kisses all around.
with all my love,
mommy
Monday, May 9, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
i won a giveaway......oh,happy day!!!!
i won a giveaway from My Forever Family to The Midnight Orange in honor of Eli & Jett's 2nd birthday. i am sooooo excited!! i have been eyeing the sculptures at The Midnight Orange for sometime. i have placed my order and was going to show what i was now waiting to arrive but i couldn't find the picture. so instead, i decided to show a picture of another piece i want, that goes beautifully with this quote......
"There's a jagged hole in your heart, there's a jagged hole in your soul. Over time, the waves of goodness going back and forth maybe smooth the jagged edges a little bit, but the hole remains. I don't think you fill it in."
but in a different color, which i was going to show you, but can't seem to get the picture to load. i wanted to share the name of it too, but can't seem to find that now.:( i like the names to go along with pieces. sometimes the name alone can speak to me more than the object/sculpture itself. anyway just wanted to share because i am super excited and can't wait until it arrives.
hugs,
p
"There's a jagged hole in your heart, there's a jagged hole in your soul. Over time, the waves of goodness going back and forth maybe smooth the jagged edges a little bit, but the hole remains. I don't think you fill it in."
anyway, go check out The Midnight Orange for yourself. she makes such wonderful things. and if you have never visited My Forever Family go stop by and give Eli & Jett's mommy some love.
hope you have a blessed friday.......i hope to, i have many plans for tonight.
paula
Found It!!!!
so i went back to The Midnight Orange to look around a bit and found it!!!
this is what i ordered
but in a different color, which i was going to show you, but can't seem to get the picture to load. i wanted to share the name of it too, but can't seem to find that now.:( i like the names to go along with pieces. sometimes the name alone can speak to me more than the object/sculpture itself. anyway just wanted to share because i am super excited and can't wait until it arrives.
hugs,
p
Thursday, May 5, 2011
We cry when we forget...
Silent Tears
By Emily Hughes
By Emily Hughes
After all the months of sorrow,
After the many hours of pain,
What is left of ourselves is hollow,
What is here, is never the same.
After the many hours of pain,
What is left of ourselves is hollow,
What is here, is never the same.
When at first we were quite vocal,
And many stood to hear,
Those who would listen have moved on,
And we are left with our silent tears.
And many stood to hear,
Those who would listen have moved on,
And we are left with our silent tears.
We cry when we remember,
We cry when we forget,
We cry until our tears run out,
And we cry because it’s all we have left.
We cry when we forget,
We cry until our tears run out,
And we cry because it’s all we have left.
While the world continues turning,
And the weeks turn into years,
We are mother’s forever mourning,
Shedding silent tears.
I am a mother forever mourning, but sometimes I forget their are other's mourning right along with me.
my 10yr. old asked me the other day what his brother felt like.....and for the life of me i couldn't remember and i couldn't answer his question. he also wanted to know why he didn't get to hold him and touch him because i had told him, while i was still pregnant, that when the baby got here he would get to do all these things. i forget that HE is mourning. the grey's anatomy commercials have really been bothering him too. he thinks it's mean that they would put that on tv and don't they know it makes people sad, "doesn't it make you sad mommy?". i forget that HE is sad. i guess he really wanted to know what wyatt felt like because day before yesterday he asked my mom too. she tried to explain but told him she had never touched him. she had. SHE'S beginning to forget too. my big boy cried his eyes out, she said. he is not a crier, she has never seen him cry, which in turn made her cry her eyes out. SHE is sad too. so last night i bit the bullet. i acted like a grown up. i put on my big girl panties and had a hard but sweet conversation with my big boy. i gave him one of wyatt's monkeys. (it is actually just a kohl's for kids curious george monkey that we have had forever, it was originally my big boy's, though he doesn't remember. but i found it after we lost wyatt. it just reminded me of him so much and it was soft just like him (i remembered) and i would sleep with him and rub his paw and think of wyatt.) i told cam all these things about the monkey and asked if he would like to sleep with it and keep it in his room as a way to remember his brother. he said yes. then we talked about how he is a big brother ( he had talked the other day about when he becomes a big brother and i made sure last night that he knew he already is one to wyatt. and he made sure to remind me that not only is he a big brother to wyatt, he is also a big brother to ethan....HE remembered, I forgot.:( ) and has babies watching over him in heaven and how he still has to set a good example because they watch over him all the time. i think it was a good talk. but it just reminds me how much we are all still hurting and mourning and it also reminds me how quick we are to forget and that just makes me sooo sad. :(
paula
dear wyatt and ethan, please watch over you big brother and comfort his heart. he misses you both so much. wyatt, please give him peace and maybe some special dreams about the time he got to spend with you. goodness, i miss all of you all my babies sooo much and i can't wait until we are all reunited one day. until then could you make a family sandwich in honor of your brother and send him lots of love. he sure does love you all.
xoxoxo~love,
mommy
And the weeks turn into years,
We are mother’s forever mourning,
Shedding silent tears.
I am a mother forever mourning, but sometimes I forget their are other's mourning right along with me.
my 10yr. old asked me the other day what his brother felt like.....and for the life of me i couldn't remember and i couldn't answer his question. he also wanted to know why he didn't get to hold him and touch him because i had told him, while i was still pregnant, that when the baby got here he would get to do all these things. i forget that HE is mourning. the grey's anatomy commercials have really been bothering him too. he thinks it's mean that they would put that on tv and don't they know it makes people sad, "doesn't it make you sad mommy?". i forget that HE is sad. i guess he really wanted to know what wyatt felt like because day before yesterday he asked my mom too. she tried to explain but told him she had never touched him. she had. SHE'S beginning to forget too. my big boy cried his eyes out, she said. he is not a crier, she has never seen him cry, which in turn made her cry her eyes out. SHE is sad too. so last night i bit the bullet. i acted like a grown up. i put on my big girl panties and had a hard but sweet conversation with my big boy. i gave him one of wyatt's monkeys. (it is actually just a kohl's for kids curious george monkey that we have had forever, it was originally my big boy's, though he doesn't remember. but i found it after we lost wyatt. it just reminded me of him so much and it was soft just like him (i remembered) and i would sleep with him and rub his paw and think of wyatt.) i told cam all these things about the monkey and asked if he would like to sleep with it and keep it in his room as a way to remember his brother. he said yes. then we talked about how he is a big brother ( he had talked the other day about when he becomes a big brother and i made sure last night that he knew he already is one to wyatt. and he made sure to remind me that not only is he a big brother to wyatt, he is also a big brother to ethan....HE remembered, I forgot.:( ) and has babies watching over him in heaven and how he still has to set a good example because they watch over him all the time. i think it was a good talk. but it just reminds me how much we are all still hurting and mourning and it also reminds me how quick we are to forget and that just makes me sooo sad. :(
paula
dear wyatt and ethan, please watch over you big brother and comfort his heart. he misses you both so much. wyatt, please give him peace and maybe some special dreams about the time he got to spend with you. goodness, i miss all of you all my babies sooo much and i can't wait until we are all reunited one day. until then could you make a family sandwich in honor of your brother and send him lots of love. he sure does love you all.
xoxoxo~love,
mommy
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
irony
Irony is an implied discrepancy between what is said and what is meant. The use of words to convey the opposite of their literal meaning; a statement or situation where the meaning is contradicted by the appearance or presentation of the idea.
situational irony is a discrepancy between the expected result and actual results.
(definition found at http://www.tnellen.com/)
this popped up earlier on fb.......
Preemies fed donor milk were less likely to develop Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC - which kills 40% of babies who have it).
attributed to: A report published by John Hopkins Children's Center
guess who pumped from day 1......
oh yeah....
that would be me!!!
guess whose baby died from NEC.....
that would be me, too!!!
if that isn't irony i don't know what is......
paula
situational irony is a discrepancy between the expected result and actual results.
(definition found at http://www.tnellen.com/)
this popped up earlier on fb.......
Preemies fed donor milk were less likely to develop Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC - which kills 40% of babies who have it).
attributed to: A report published by John Hopkins Children's Center
guess who pumped from day 1......
oh yeah....
that would be me!!!
guess whose baby died from NEC.....
that would be me, too!!!
if that isn't irony i don't know what is......
paula
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
another gem
found on fb...
"Grief changes shape but it never ends. People have a misconception that you can deal with it and say, "Its gone and I'm better". They're wrong" -Keanu Reeves
"Grief changes shape but it never ends. People have a misconception that you can deal with it and say, "Its gone and I'm better". They're wrong" -Keanu Reeves
this is a debbie downer post.....if you don't want to hear it, turn back now.
it seems last nights sadness has rolled on over into today. :(
i am no happier today than i was last night.
and then this
which is speaking to so many others
is just pissing me off
i don't want to have the life that is waiting for me
i want the life that i had planned
the life that included all my babies
but right now, especially, the life that included my wyatt
i asked my counselor the other day "how many times can a heart be broken before it is beyond repair"?
i think i may be beyond repair
my body just aches at the sadness and brokenness of it all
i physically hurt almost all the time
when will at least that part of it go away?
debbie downer
aka
paula
dear wyatt, i just miss you so much. there is just no other words. i love you and i can't wait until i get to see you again.
xoxoxo & a family sandwich,
mommy
i am no happier today than i was last night.
and then this
which is speaking to so many others
is just pissing me off
i don't want to have the life that is waiting for me
i want the life that i had planned
the life that included all my babies
but right now, especially, the life that included my wyatt
i asked my counselor the other day "how many times can a heart be broken before it is beyond repair"?
i think i may be beyond repair
my body just aches at the sadness and brokenness of it all
i physically hurt almost all the time
when will at least that part of it go away?
debbie downer
aka
paula
dear wyatt, i just miss you so much. there is just no other words. i love you and i can't wait until i get to see you again.
xoxoxo & a family sandwich,
mommy
Monday, May 2, 2011
late night drivel
up late ..
waiting for my @mbien ..
to kick in...
sad and alone
and wishing more than anything else in this world that i had wyatt to touch, to hold, to nurse, to soothe, to love.
and wanting to know why i can't have that.
and if nothing else why can't i go to sleep.
paula
waiting for my @mbien ..
to kick in...
sad and alone
and wishing more than anything else in this world that i had wyatt to touch, to hold, to nurse, to soothe, to love.
and wanting to know why i can't have that.
and if nothing else why can't i go to sleep.
paula
prayer warriors needed right now!!!
Prayer warriors neede for this sweet family and their little girl, Lucy, right now!
Dear Friends: Need some prayer warriors right now. Lucy has just been admitted to St. Jude for observation. Her sodium levels are too low, potassium too low and generally feels like crap. We had to cancel radiation today and that is not good. She has received a large amount of sodium cholride, but her levels are still not rising. They will be running tests and trying different treatment options tonight. We need this to clear up before tomorrow so that she can have her radiation treatment. We are not in crisis mode by any means, but there is an issue that needs to be resolved. Thank you in advance for your prayers.
lifting Lucy up in prayer right now because no baby should ever be this sick!!
paula
Dear Friends: Need some prayer warriors right now. Lucy has just been admitted to St. Jude for observation. Her sodium levels are too low, potassium too low and generally feels like crap. We had to cancel radiation today and that is not good. She has received a large amount of sodium cholride, but her levels are still not rising. They will be running tests and trying different treatment options tonight. We need this to clear up before tomorrow so that she can have her radiation treatment. We are not in crisis mode by any means, but there is an issue that needs to be resolved. Thank you in advance for your prayers.
lifting Lucy up in prayer right now because no baby should ever be this sick!!
paula
Fast Five
i went and saw Fast Five this weekend with the fam.
you would think that would be a harmless enough movie to go see right? (as far as babyloss goes)
maybe for some, but not for me.
part of the plot line is about someone announcing their pregnancy.
really, in a movie about stealing cars and running from "the law", someone has to announce their pregnant?
and i love these movies. i really do!! why did they have to go and ruin it for me? (can you say self absorbed?)
i was having a great time, looking at all the pretty boys and fast cars, and then WHAM!!! someone announces their pregnant......and they celebrate and raise a glass.
and now i am sad because even though i have been pregnant 7 times, we have never made it a celebration.
the reasons for this are.....
the first time i was still in high school.....
and all the other times we weren't trying and were scared as hell because we had lost the first.
so now in the middle of my happy, mindless movie, i am sad and jealous of a fictional character.
could life get any better???
why yes it can!!
because the happy, hopeful me is still buried somewhere deep inside me and she likes to rear her ugly head and say things like.....
if we have anymore babies we are going to name them dominic and xander after vin diesel characters.......
WHAM!!!! again.......
with the way things are going i have very little hope left....(can you run out of rainbows??? i have already used 2, is there a limit??)
and just so the movie ends on a high note for me (because it is all about me, right??)
i get to sit through the end with my eyes closed because now we have a big pregnant belly on the screen.....
and you see that was my dream this time....
i wanted too much.....
because i wanted it all..
i wanted the belly and belly pictures
i wanted happily ever after
i wanted to bring home a baby to hold in my arms and watch grow
i wanted happiness and all i seem to be left with is a whole bunch of sadness.....
and did my husband reach out and take my hand???
did he ask if i was ok???
did he give me a hug afterwards and tell me he loved me???
nope because i should be over "this"
and the person i use to refer to as my rock, has now gone and squashed me flat.
and just in case i haven't already made this all about me........please pray for us. we are not in a good place right now and neither of us seem to know how to get back to one.
paula
you would think that would be a harmless enough movie to go see right? (as far as babyloss goes)
maybe for some, but not for me.
part of the plot line is about someone announcing their pregnancy.
really, in a movie about stealing cars and running from "the law", someone has to announce their pregnant?
and i love these movies. i really do!! why did they have to go and ruin it for me? (can you say self absorbed?)
i was having a great time, looking at all the pretty boys and fast cars, and then WHAM!!! someone announces their pregnant......and they celebrate and raise a glass.
and now i am sad because even though i have been pregnant 7 times, we have never made it a celebration.
the reasons for this are.....
the first time i was still in high school.....
and all the other times we weren't trying and were scared as hell because we had lost the first.
so now in the middle of my happy, mindless movie, i am sad and jealous of a fictional character.
could life get any better???
why yes it can!!
because the happy, hopeful me is still buried somewhere deep inside me and she likes to rear her ugly head and say things like.....
if we have anymore babies we are going to name them dominic and xander after vin diesel characters.......
WHAM!!!! again.......
with the way things are going i have very little hope left....(can you run out of rainbows??? i have already used 2, is there a limit??)
and just so the movie ends on a high note for me (because it is all about me, right??)
i get to sit through the end with my eyes closed because now we have a big pregnant belly on the screen.....
and you see that was my dream this time....
i wanted too much.....
because i wanted it all..
i wanted the belly and belly pictures
i wanted happily ever after
i wanted to bring home a baby to hold in my arms and watch grow
i wanted happiness and all i seem to be left with is a whole bunch of sadness.....
and did my husband reach out and take my hand???
did he ask if i was ok???
did he give me a hug afterwards and tell me he loved me???
nope because i should be over "this"
and the person i use to refer to as my rock, has now gone and squashed me flat.
and just in case i haven't already made this all about me........please pray for us. we are not in a good place right now and neither of us seem to know how to get back to one.
paula
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