glad you asked

what am i doing? oh, i'm just watching the reunited (and it feels so good!) spice girls lipsync their entire victoria's secret fashion show performance. fantastic. esp the part when the crowd got super excited about victoria "posh spice" beckham giving the lipsyncing a go. more fantastic: when seal (in his besparkled suit) sang a duet with his best-looking-angel wife, heidi. even more fantastic: the look on jeremy piven's face when one of the angels walked out in hideodorous salvador dali wings. (i love that guy, since "ellen" i've loved that guy.) and here's seal again. still in the suit. excuse me. i simply cannot take my eyes off the glitter that IS his suit. i wonder if there was any fabric involved in constructing it...

weekly recap

i'm a slacker. whatever. we did have quite an eventful week though, so read all about it...
sunday: go to bed feeling sick after being so extremely lazy all. day. long.
monday: wake up, shower, get dressed for work; call manager jenny to say i'm not going to make it into work; notice strange stink in front and dining rooms; call mor to have him come check it out (note: he thinks it's just that i don't feel well and want him to come home to schmuggle me); he notices stink and calls gas man to fix it; mor goes back to work (without schmuggling me for even a minute); gas man comes and says our carbon monoxide level is triple the norm, spends good hour and a half tracking snow and mud through the house until he's satisfied that the level is dropping, requests i open all windows to air house out and get in touch with landlord to have plumber come fix broken boiler, water heater and chimney floo; mor calls landlord's wife (as landlord is out of town on "business") who says she'll have plumber fix everything; lay around feeling sick and freezing cold in carbon monoxide-filled house with whiny penny; unfriendly plumber comes and says he's fixed the water heater but must make sure it's okay to fix boiler and floo before doing anything else; unfriendly plumber leaves; mor gets home (2hrs after he promised he'd be home) with soup for me and quesadillas for him; wallow in sickness; have mor call manager jenny to let her know i won't be making it into work in the morning because of (1) being sicky and (2) having plumber come to fix boiler and floo; go to bed.
tuesday: wake up to a 52degree house, don't shower; call manager jenny and update her on boiler/floo situation, she tells me to just take the day off, i agree to; call mor and ask if he knows when the plumber is coming, he says about 1p; wait around in squalor and cold, while watching maury expose an affair that led to an illegitimate child and "a baby story" (who names their baby skye?); unfriendly plumber arrives at almost 2p and stays for close to 4hrs, fixes boiler, ignores floo; heat kicks in and climbs steadily to 83degrees; journey to bajio for an unsatisfactory dinner; return home and sweat ourselves to sleep.
wednesday: wake up, shower, go to work; grumble around while i'm at work that i'm at work (that does make sense, just read it slowly); come home to hubs who's bought rio soup for dinner.
thursday: repeat wednesday's agenda with additions of having lunch from rio and getting home before 6p (wha?! i know, never happens); take mor to work; hang out with myself at target; pick up mor from work; hit up borders, where i find "muppets christmas carol" (my fave) and mor finds a christmas gift for moi (yea!); home for bed.
friday: wake up, shower, go to work; mor drops off treats causing jealousy among office girls because he's so good to me; have chicken strips from hospital for lunch (delish--the whole hospital food rumors are false--and cheap); make plans with mor to head to slc for dinner (aristo's) and dessert (spoon me); cancel plans due to rain and bad utah drivers; decide on shoots for dinner instead; enjoy complimentary sizzling pepper steak minus the steak plus chicken from very generous man who waved a "merry christmas" to us as he and his wife and 4 adorable boys left; back to borders to look for more christmas gifts (success!); to target so as not to go home to messy house; find stockings, star treetopper and more at target; see cute puppies at pet store; home for wassail and "elf" on tv; to bed.
saturday: wake up, don't shower; to towne centre for sales at hallmark; contemplate going to work (for approx 5sec) and decide against it; pick out ornament for myself and get to use $5-off coupon; over to quilted bear in search of ribbon (purple and silver, impossible to find); discover half-off sale on all christmas items; purchase cute little pair of decorative mittens, jingle bells for front door, santa (for mor to give me as christmas gift), present for my connie and mor's glo; have difficult time not buying 3/4 of quilted bear (everything is twice as cute at half-off); home to play with penny and wait for hubs; go to open curtains only to find it snowing a LOT; mor gets home, slides into driveway; off to quilted bear for stocking hangers (rustic and heavy snowflake--mor--and snowman--me); drive up to pimp (pebbles in my pocket) again in search of ribbon (settle on shimmery purple that ends up not working); over to costco to salivate over plasmas (of the electronic kind, not the sanguine kind); down to barnes and noble (i'm such a traitor) for peppermint hot chocky and cupcakes; home to order hawley family christmas gifts online (cheaper and we're lazy); make mor watch "muppets christmas carol" with me and penny while fire crackles onto hardwood floor and penny's new treat; have mor put out lit embers and tickle my legs in bed; sleep.
sunday: wake up with 5min to get to church; dress in horribly wrinkled skirt; enjoy sacrament until high counselman gets way off track about "brother lewis" and "the divorce"...?; pay attention in sunday school because of teacher's fun english accent and cute pregnant wife; loathe relief society, as always; back home to eat 2 bowls of eggo waffle cereal and leftover stroganoff; to work for 2hrs; home teachers come over with nice message; now lounging on couch with firing burning (a bit less crackling this time) and hubs getting dinner ready (chicken cacciatore) and penny snuggling my head while steelers lose to pats (surprise), contemplating how to get out of work tomorrow (jk but not really).

snow much fun!

we went to a fight and a hockey game broke out

don't you love that old saying? it wasn't so much true for us last night. the refs kept getting between the guys before any gloves (or punches) went flying. dumb. don't the stripes know you let them have at it until they hit the ice? der. there WAS a skate to the face and lots of blood (different instances if you can believe it), so all was not lost.
my manager didn't feel up to making the trip to slc for the game, so mor and i met up with her hubs to get the tickets. (i love that she thinks of me at times like that, when she's sicked-out on her couch, and knows that i'll take tickets to just about anything. esp hockey; i'm a closet hockey fan, against my family's wishes and to their befuddlement.)
it was SO much fun! we had seats right against the glass, next to the opposing team's penalty box. those poor guys never stood a chance against the drunken hecklers in our section. at the end of the first period, mor and i headed to the little mexican food kiosk and got some nachos con carne asada. those were good, but let me tell you the mtn dew at the e center puts all the dew in all the utah county crest stations to shame. yummm...
the grizz came out on top, scoring four goals in the third period. the first goal spurred a shower of stuffed animals, the grizzlies' idea of a toy drive for local hospitals. it took an entire 10min to get all the toys together and off the ice. (isn't it great how the holidays bring out peoples' giving nature?)

the game was so much fun. wouldn't mind going again. planning on being sick for the next one, jenny?

rip life of reilly

can you believe this benedict arnold? this judas priest? this traitor? he's dumping his longtime si to join the bigger, badder espn the mag. after 22+yrs, he's bringing his relationship with the classy si to a close. it made me sad to read that he was leaving their last page, and then i was horribly outraged to learn he was "trading up." stupid espn, stealing everyone worth stealing. (i can't think of any examples; my mind is filled with anger, not names of other faceless deserters of the one who gave them life.) hate them. when i vented to mor about the situation, he reminded me that i really only read si for rick reilly; "and 'sign of the apocalypse' and 'they said it,'" i added, defeated. so now i must accept this unacceptable behaviour and join the millions of goons who subscribe to espn the mag. talk about bandwagoning. this is the worst feeling ever. (besides the time that i hit tristan's mustang and didn't fess up until he asked me. i miss him.) i hope you're happy, reilly. (no, really, i really DO hope you're making the change because it will enrich your life, not just your pocketbook.)

best tat at mac

this was emblazoned on the forearm of one the mac helper people, not a genius. although he is a genius for such a rad tattoo.

and yes the tat even included the one-button mouse.

another tuesday night, another 2hrs at the mac store

that's right. i know all of you mac geeks are jealous. i mean, YOU didn't get to spend over 2hrs with ryan the mac genius last night; WE did. after a failed leopard installation and being told that we were going to lose everything on the hard drive (ie wedding pictures, final papers, work documents), what else was there to do? mor scheduled his appt for 3:15p at the mac store at gateway. we got there with time to spare (so i could get my favorite peppermint hot chocolate) and headed to check in. around 3:45p, we were wondering if we'd missed our appt. wrong. they were just an hour or so behind. while we were waiting--somewhat impatiently--we went through the pros and cons of each mac genius; one kid was exactly what you would expect, down to the wire rim glasses and tucked-in button-down shirt; the black mohawked guy seemed like the hip too-cool-to-be-a-mac-genius mac genius; the eastern european guy in adidas pants and long-sleeve tee was totally on his game and seemed to be the one in charge until...out walked ryan. and he yelled our name like we were the next contestant on "the price is right." and that's exactly how we felt. we won the jackpot with ryan. he tried this and that and this other thing until he finally knew what needed to be done. he transferred the contents of mor's hard drive to a portable one with like 1000gigs of ram (whatever that means), then installed leopard onto mor's naked hard drive, and then transferred all our stuff back. SUCCESS! so now we have the latest and greatest mac operating system. how cool are we?! when we were done at the genius bar and had said our goodbyes to and exchanged numbers with ryan (not really), we got to walk out into the...
...SNOW!!! about time. we live in utah, whose state slogan is "the greatest snow on earth," and we've had nothing to back that up until last night. (only in slc though; still nothing in provo. *sigh* maybe we'll get some before we leave for california (where there is absolutely no chance whatsoever of snow)) for christmas. please please please. let me have a little bit of a white christmas.
anyway, we drove back to provo at a lightning speed of 35mph. (utah's state slogan is in no way "the greatest drivers on earth," that's for sure.) we picked up a couple of the boys from telos and headed to the flash's--fun but disappointing--home opener. they lost by 1pt at the very last second. can you believe that? i still don't think the guy from the wizards got the shot off, but i wasn't wearing the zebra stripes so my opinion doesn't matter. oh well. free tickets. free popcorn. free t-shirts. and lots of fun.

now i'm off to tend to the hubs. he has decided to pick up some viral infection, resplendent with fever (that i just tried to spell feAver and i swear i did graduate college, with an english degree no less) and chills and lots of other stuff i will not mention (without gagging) at this time. send prayers our way: for mor that he'll get better and for me that i'll stay sympathetic and nurturing. and sane. even though i don't have children yet, i think it's safe to say that having a sick hubs is a bazillion times worse than having a sick child. (please, sisters, tell me that's true. i've dealt with mor being sick and injured so much this last year, i need to know that it gets easier from here on out. lie to me if you must.)

knock knock

who's there?
nobody.
nobody? you mean nobody answered when you knocked? the first or second time? then by all means you must ring the doorbell and knock again. and send my little fluffy puppy into a dither and perhaps make her piddle on the hardwood. and get me out of the most comfortable position i'd been in all day: sleeping quite soundly with said fluffy puppy under my fuzzy blanket on the couch with the eagles-pats game going unwatched on the tv after rearranging the hubs clothing drawers and closet, taking laundry downstairs to be washed then bringing it back upstairs to be folded and put away, and sweeping dust bunnies from underneath the bed only to have fluffy puppy think they were her new toys and begin chasing them (pushing them around with her nose and then sneezing incessantly all over clean clothes) around the what-used-to-be-clean house. hrrumph. and now my weekend is winding to a close and i have to get up at the crack o' dawn tomorrow so i can get everything ready for work since i didn't do it before i left for my long-time-coming 4day weekend. double hrrumph. and we don't have anything to eat in this god-forsaken house, and i'm starrrving. hrrumph. hrrumph. hrrumph.

he just doesn't know when to stop

watching the byu-unc game (what?! i know) and wondering why dicky v is commentating. okay, so i always wonder why dicky v is commentating anything, but tonight is even more questionable. because he has laryngitis. as if his screeching and glory-day story-telling wasn't bad enough. honestly, dicky v. pack it up. go home and watch the games. for everyone's sake. and for your own health.
booooo!!!!!

happy thanksgiving to all...

...and to all a goodnight!

sing it to me, jaime

as i sit here, filling out xray cards for our tuesday pts, i'm being serenaded. with this...

{the heights "how do you talk to an angel?"}

and this song alone has made my 13hr workday worth every. single. minute.

wunderdrug

a commercial came on today (while i was watching new iron chef symon miraculously win his battle) that got me to thinking: why hasn't pfizer or lilly or glaxo-smith-kline come up with something for lack-of gambling/sexual urges sooner? finally, a drug has arrived. and it's called mirapex. granted this rx is not explicitly FOR intensifying gambling urges, but it helps in that area. (the commercial also mentioned something about how it reduces the symptoms of some made-up illness known as "restless leg syndrome." rls is about as legitimate a diagnosable illness as odd or "oppositional defiance disorder" or what used to be known as "being a teenager.") i told mor it's a good thing we're so close to vegas for my newly-acquired gambling urges; he responded that i don't actually have rls and therefore no grounds to request mirapex. dang.

my favorite things

i have recently (and not-so-recently) (re)discovered some things that rank highly on my "things i enjoy sometimes a little too much" list. and they are as follows...
minute maid pomegranate blueberry - good and good for you
pomegranate 7up - only for a limited time, people, so go find you some
3 musketeers mint - light, whipped mint filling in the classically yummy chocolate
pillsbury cinnamon rolls - what we was raised on, son, along with...
jiffy blueberry muffins - cheap, generic and the only kind of blueberry muffins i like
the little sugar-sprinkled deep-fried biscuits you can only find at chinese buffets
the costco wondercake made of butter and cinnamon and icing and...stuff - thank you, sister, for introducing us
muenster cheese - a la cathy cook
cheddar and sour cream lays potato chips - who knew i would graduate from basic bbq?
ibuprofen 800mg - well i do enjoy them, esp for headaches and those dreaded cramps
blair's chicken enchiladas - she was good for something, that b.ford (just kidding; i miss her)
"sex and the city" - even though tbs shows the same 5 episodes over and over and...
"friends" - i'd almost forgotten about those 6 crazies i used to love so much
"carpoolers" - already mentioned in previous post, but really, it's hysterical
"ugly betty" - when the star of a show's real name is america, how can you not love that show?
"ratatouille" - hands down one of the best disney movies ever made by humans
he came with the couch - david slonim is amazing, just read this book!
sweet season - haven't made much headway in austin murphy's new book, but i loved this one
and now i'm off to watch my penultimate guilty pleasure: "sabrina the teenage witch"*



*not really, it's on at 6p; we dvr-ed "the office" so we're watching that. peace.

we have wayne to thank

recently, my office got together for a "congratulations, you're quitting!" lunch party for someone who, well, quit. her favorite dining spot is the not-so-trendy-or-tasty china lily. lucky for the other diners, we were sat in a far-off corner. when syrvia (aka sylvia) took orders, one of our sports medicine fellows (who shall remain nameless for doctoral reasons) brought back the long-forgotten-of "wayne's world" "i'll have the cream of sum yung guy." no, he didn't actually say that to her, but yes, i was the only one to pick up on it. everyone else at our table just thought he was being his normal crass and vulgar self. i giggled myself silly. and then later in the wayward conversation, he said something about how he thought the noodles he was eating were going to give him priapism. again, i was the only one--at our table of 12 (2 drs included)--who got it. and, thank you nameless dr, for leaving me to explain priapism to our other tablemates. (if you really need a definition, any medical dictionary or cialis commercial can help.) i'm already dreading the day said nameless doc leaves us to pursue bigger and better *ahem* things.

thank you, wayne, for making my lunch a bit more gag-erific.

boo, vinatieri, boo

that's right, vinatieri, i'm booing you. you can carry the pats on your foot for how many superbowls, but you can't kick in the game-winning fieldgoal for the colts? boo. you can play--flawlessly--in snowstorms, rain showers and sunshine, on turf, on grass, in a dome etc for the pats, but the colts take you to sd and you biff. twice! boo. your golden foot is all of a sudden made of lead. i want vanderjagt back. (okay, that's a lie, but i'm almost to that point. almost. okay, that's a lie too. nothing could push me to that point.) i want the golden boy with the million dollar foot back. where did he go, adam? did he skedaddle back to jersey? pull your head out of your a, vinatieri, and piece your life together. before you end up like vanderjagt: unsigned and subject to endless ridicule.

in mourning

because the colts have only managed to score 7 points in 30min of play against the sd chargers. and peyton has managed to throw 4 picks. and even though my hubs is only 5-8, he will never manage to play in the nfl (or other pro sport) like midget darron sproles, who is faster down the field than cecil fielder chasing a donut around the bases. and legacy seats are not all they're cracked up to be. (bland food apparently appeals to everyone, as opposed to properly seasoned buffet items.) and also because i've managed to be sick now for 4 whole days with a cough and sinus infection (and associated headaches) and cramps. (so that last part isn't exactly part of being sick, but it sure does add to me feeling like poop.) hrrumph.

ps if the colts lose, don't post comments about how they lost. i will be fully aware of the second L in so many weeks.

pps not that i doubt the horse. i don't. but just in case.

boycott

that's it. i'm boycotting the relief society visiting teaching social/extravaganza. today, it was an overly-excited email in my inbox reminding me to attend. monday, it was a flier at my house (and in my hubs' hands since some "sweet sisters" were so good to drop it off and encourage mor to encourage me to attend). sunday in sacrament, it was our second counselor urging husbands to urge their wives to attend. and sunday in relief society, it was the second counselor telling us how fabulous and fun and spiritual and uplifting the conference is going to be. give it a rest. and brace yourselves, readers (namely connie) for what i'm about to say: i don't have a great testimony of visiting teaching. i don't exactly see the point in it right now. esp not when most of the time the sisters are doing it solely to put up numbers. (remember my schpiel from a few weeks ago? same thing again, sorry.) but honestly, if i've got an extra 25-30min, i would much rather be sleeping or eating or reading or hanging out with my husband; not pretending to be someone's friend and making empty promises of being there should they need anything and reiterating to them the same thing they probably read for themselves in the latest ensign. (i really am a giving person most of the time--my mama raised me right--it's just that...i wouldn't drop everything for a basic stranger. not here to make friends; just to get my hubs to skedaddle through school a bit faster than snail-speed.) the point is: i will not be attending, sister so-and-so. get over it.
laird's new girlfriend on "carpoolers" is named joannapher (joannafer?). and the son's name is marmaduke. love it! (thank you, claire, for introducing mor and i to such hillarity.)
going along with my tirade against the rs...the first girl to get up and bear her testimony started out a little something like this: (cue the tears) "sisters, if you want to know how much your husbands love you," (prepare thyself for these next three words) "JUST GET PREGNANT. blah blah blah." rewind. my husband TELLS me he loves me. or makes me dinner. or tickles my legs. or lets me watch endless hours of 'murder, she wrote' while tickling my legs after making me dinner. and usually you know your husband loves you BEFORE he becomes your husband. or even your fiancee. or (at byu) sometimes even BEFORE he becomes your boyfriend. sheesh. just another reason to boycott, don't you think?

how many meerkats have to die?

carlos, the jigolo of the kalahari, died. sheesh. who’s next? zaphod? mozart? whoopi?
and the leader of the commandos is named hannibal. hannibal commando. ha! and he’s only got one eye. how amazing is that?
(and don't worry, at the end of this episode i just watched, it was announced that mozart, whoopi AND their sister kinkajou all died. very lonely deaths too. after spending their last fragile days in search of a mate, they died in the cold empty burrow. all alone.) *tear*
zaphod is just as healthy as ever though--hurrah!--having been accepted back into the whiskers clan.
man, i love this show.
in memory of carlos...

mozart and...

kinkajou

(sorry, whoopi, no pics of you.)

bad parenting

i just watched a show on predators of the arctic tundra. (is that redundant to say arctic tundra? is there another kind of tundra besides the arctic one? geography was a long time ago for me, okay.) these little geese or some kind of large bird babies have to fend for themselves as soon as they hatch; instead of regurgitating its food like most normal bird moms, this goose just heads out in search of its own food. by swan diving (excuse the pun) off a cliff and into a ravine hundreds of feet below. and what do these poor downy babies do? the SAME THING. the irish narrator said that only about half the goslings survive the fall, since their wings are not well-formed enough to do anything but aid in cushioning them against the jagged rocks. and if the fall doesn’t kill them, the arctic foxes will. now, as most of you know, i hate birds more than just about anything in the entire world (except for maybe open waters and clowns and jello), but that in no way means i wish them any harm (except for maybe crows and pigeons and seagulls).
and who knew owls were such vicious creatures? i can’t believe i just watched one tear a lemming (rodent-like tundra animal) to pieces. there really is more to those suckers than hair and fat. like blood and guts. eww.
and how did this lion find a dead catfish in the middle of the desert? (sorry, switching gears from arctic tundra to desert tundra; guess that means there IS more than one kind of tundra.)
i’ve got to go let my own little lioness out to potty. the tree trimmers are here (on the roof nonetheless) so if i don’t take her out now, she may just piddle on the floor in front of me from nervous excitement at what’s happening outside.

what not to watch

"american gangster," that’s what. it was just about trying to be the black "godfather," without all the italian stallions. (just kidding. i do NOT find al pacino attractive. marlon brando (in his skinnier/more alive days) is a different story though.) it was just a lot of heroin trafficking and addicts and black people in chinchilla coats going to boxing matches. (okay, so there was just one chinchilla coat and one boxing match, but that was definitely more than enough of either/both in the same movie scene.) i saw in people that this movie garnered 3½ stars. how? i ask. denzel washington’s acting was subpar, as (sadly) was russell crowe’s joizee accent. the best part, by far i think, was when denzel’s mama slaps him across the face. i’d wanted to do that to him since the movie started. (and since he won an oscar for "training day." any man—black, white, asian—can use the f-word over five dozen times and go around shooting people. that doesn’t exactly require a juliard-trained actor; just any male who’s ever dreamed of being a thug or dirty cop.) anyway...
if you are in the market for a good family-friendly movie, i recommend "dan in real life." it is really good. and funny. but not over-the-top typical steve carell funny. i give it two enthusiastic thumbs up; good fun for the whole family.

*title inspired by stacy and clinton. love them.



note: these next two posts are actually from saturday. our internet was being fickle and wouldn't let me post them. just so you don't think i have absolutely nothing better to do on a sunday night.

i love cooper

and that's all i have to say about that.

white diamonds and dirty feet

that, my friends, is what wynnsong theatre smells of. every time we go there, it stinks of something familiar and unpleasant. tonight was no different. the theatre we were in for "dan in real life" was filled with old women and hot buttery popcorn; hence the 'white diamonds and dirty feet' title. (no offense, grandma connie, heaven rest your soul.) honestly though. i gagged more than a few times. and why are the aisles in that theatre about as wide as a 12yr old boy's hips? i always put my feets up over the seat in front of me to discourage anyone (esp those old ladies and popcorn eaters) from sitting there. it worked tonight; unlike most nights when people look at you like you've just punched a baby* instead of slung your feet over a measly movie seat. much to my chagrin, i usually just return the stink-face and move my feet. that's why i just buy movies at target and snuggle on my couch with my hubs. buuut...
we didn't want to stay home tonight. it being halloween and us living where we live (on one of the most highly trafficked streets in all of bustling provo) made us think twice about doling out candy to trick-or-treaters. and this is why: i didn't want to have to turn any child away from my door because his/her parents didn't love them enough to buy/make them an actual costume. (we've got too much trash in our neighborhood and knew we'd get caught with the all-too-popular torn shirt with fake blood and freddy krueger mask i-made-it-myself costumes.) if you're out soliciting the local townsfolk for treats, you better be dressed as something i can identify and think is cute or creative. otherwise, get the heck off my porch. and if i'm going to spend $30-$40 on candy, it's going to be for me; not some sugar-starved neighborkid.

*thanks again to mor for providing such to-the-point expressions

what's my motivation?

it could be the five monstrous loads of laundry i need to do today if i want to have pants to wear to work tomorrow
or the sinkful of dishes that won't fit into the overloaded (portable) dishwasher
or the dead honda sitting in the driveway (maybe i forgot to turn off the lights the other day and the hon still hasn't recovered)
or the dog who smells so bad i want to lock her in her kennel until her haircut later this week
or the thawed boneless skinless chicken breasts awaiting their fate (should i do baked? or have mor grill? i just don't know.)
or the hallway of death that still needs stripped of paint and wallpaper and then primed and painted
or that of course the colts game can't possibly be televised today (and last i checked they were behind. what?!)
or that my hubs doesn't get home from work for another 2hrs (at the earliest)
but mostly i think it's the bag of mexican wedding cookies that mor bought yesterday at the provo bakery...yummm


who doesn't love these powdered sugared little gems?

oh visiting TEAchers

this is for/about you...
- don't call me before 10a on a saturday to ask if "next week sometime" would work to go visiting teaching
- don't call me after 9p any day of the week, ever
* esp not to ask if i can come early to church when church starts before 10a
- don't stop by my house, unannounced, just to say "hi" (we're most likely not friends and definitely don't hang out, so...)
- don't wait to schedule your home/visiting teaching appts at the last minute and expect me to drop everything to keep you at 100% (i graduated school a while ago and no longer care about %s)
- don't think i'm inactive if i don't make it to church one sunday
- don't send the elders quorum/relief society presidency to my house because i didn't make it to church one sunday (it was probably the one sunday a month that mor has to work and i simply refuse to be subjected to sitting alone in a pew while the couple in front of me practically make out during fast and testimony mtg)
- don't expect me to participate in ward activities (i'm here because my hubs is still in school, not to make friends)
* unless food is involved
- don't expect me to participate in relief society activities
* even if food is involved
- don't try to make me feel bad for staying home when the colts are televised (it happens maybe twice a season that their games are broadcast in utah, i will make the most of it)
(i'm sure there are more to add to this list, but david bromstad is about to reveal his new color splash room design)
...in the name of my sanity, amen

man down

mor is sick. and dirty. he fell asleep yesterday (not last night) at about 7:30p. that means it wasn't even half-time of the colts game. and i'm pretty sure he hasn't showered in about 3 days. no, maybe 4. more like 4. he basically didn't get off the couch for a full 18hrs. (nothing like the 3DAYS he spent on the couch last year. there is still an indentation on the chaise.) he was out of commission all day until he thought it a good idea to donate plasma. wha? he wanted to keep it from me (a) because he knows i disagree with it and (b) because he wants to get me an ipod for christmas. how sweet is he? passing out and giving the gift of plasma all in the name of love. (most of me believes this is the real reason; the other third of me thinks he's just tired of sharing his ipod.) plasma whore.
are tegan and sara the new indigo girls? the new lesbian princesses of rock?
the good dr has decided to go heliskiing next march. (that means a week off for me.) and to israel in may. (that means another week off for me.) and hopefully to hawaii in august. (that means two whole weeks off for me.) i am excite. vair vair excite.
off to borders. because that's what i do.

rack em up

way to go, horse. that's 6 in the win column. oh and, freeney, that sack for a safety? brilliant. or should i say "good on you, mate," as russell crowe put it. (you know he was cheering for the colts. i mean, the only people who cheer for the jags are jacksonville-sonianites. the colts' popularity extends round the globe, minus baltimore md. why are you still bitter, anyway? you have the ravens now and the scariest man in football history: ray lewis. unlike oj, though, he didn't do it. honest.) pish posh. love the white and blue!

(yes, i know this is a bit preemptive, but we all know the jags aren't coming back from 22 down with 2:20 left in the fourth. that would just be miraculous. and in order to pull off a stunt like that, the jags would need a crazy qb. like peyton. sorry, third-stringer. ain't gonna happen.)

hairtastic

the following are pictures of hair i wish i had...

sjp: no matter what color, no matter what length, my jealousy holds true. (wouldn't mind trading her boobs either.)


kate beckinsale: wavy and otherwise


jennifer aniston: this hair...


not this hair...


detective benson: or even her pixie cut


and finally...

wait a sec. how'd that get on here? (isn't he cute though?)

okay, since that one managed to sneak on here, i figures i'd throw this one on too:


guess i'll just stick with what i got: straight and brown.

and boring.

too emotionally invested

the following is a list of tv shows (most reality) that i find myself getting too worked up over, as i realized last night when i practically yelled at new york for keeping it but not yours. (watch the show, figure it out.)
- i love new york 2
- the hills
- meerkat manor (i joke, but really the show is extremely interesting)
- the office (allowed and therefore excused from this list)
- newport harbor (aka laguna beach jr)
- iron chef and the next iron chef
- the dog whisperer (cesar almost makes me tear up with his spanish-accented lessons each episode)
and mor thinks i should distinguish between those tv shows with which i am obsessed but not necessarily in which i am invested, such as:
- matlock
- murder, she wrote
- law & order (the original, svu and ci; never got into the real-life version)
- friends
- ugly betty
- most of the aforementioned list
now, i would like to take the opportunity to make a list for mor of his invested in-obsessed with shows:
- dirty jobs (we both have crushes on mike rowe)
- myth busters (although not so much anymore, thank goodnes)
- i love new york 2
- the office
- survivorman
- man vs wild (much like the previous, but not as cool; sorry, bear)
- lockdown and other prison-related shows
- the new national geographic show called taboo (last week's episode was on weird pet owners; i regret to inform you that we will NOT be taxidermy-ing penny when she dies, unlike some woman in detroit who stuffed her golden retriever)
- last one standing (another ng gem, from which mor is now taking capoiera lessons)
- deadliest catch (that mike rowe as commentator, he's everywhere)
- animal precinct
hmm...interesting how mor's list seems just as long, if not longer than my lists. vair vair interesting.

*mor has just informed me that last one standing is a discovery gem. sorry, ng, for giving you false credit. i get all of you real reality channels confused.

rip flower

yes, friends. it is a very sad day in the hawley house. i have just been notified (via sean astin on this latest "meerkat manor" episode and animalplanet.com) that flower died. what?! i know, i know. you're devastated too. she was bitten by a cape cobra back at the end of september and couldn't fight off the venom. stupid snakes. only good for biting and killing innocent little meerkats. and eating village people's children. and keeping the bird populations around the world in check. (the only thing i hate worse than snakes are birds.) anyway. how sad i was to hear this. and then, on top of that, to find out that rocketdog was taking over. rocketdog? really whiskers clan? scraping the bottom of the barrel for a new dominant female, aren't we? where's shakespeare? i miss that girl. getting off track...i miss flower. she was amazing. what other word could you use for a meerwoman who was dominant female for 4 of her 6 years, while having over 60 offspring with who knows how many meermen? uh-maze-ing.

fairly tale

mor and i just got home from our day off. it was nice. we both had to work this morning but had the afternoon to ourselves. (much to the chagrin of some coworkers.) we had rio for lunch (i do NOT recommend the fideo) and piddled around provo and orem for a while. eventually we ended up at borders, the default stop when we have no real plans. i picked up a couple little books. one illustrated by one of my favorite book illustrators: david small. (he illustrates most of his wife's books: the gardner, the friend, and the library, as well as the christmas crocodile and once upon a banana, and he wrote and illustrated imogene's antlers.) today's purchase was when dinosaurs came with everything. the story is really cute, but i absolutely love how small illustrates it. the other one i got was one of the neverland series books: cave of the dark wind by dave barry (yes, THE dave barry) and ridley pearson. they write the new peter pan series (chapter books) and these little shorter story series to go along with those, called the neverland stories. anyway. long story longer...i had to drag mor away from the nudey mags (i did catch him with a pile topped off with w and questioned his femininity masculinity) and off we went. down to wynnsong to catch "sydney white." (if you didn't pick up on it from the title of today's post, the movie is supposed to be a modern-day snow white, complete with the seven dorks.) if i haven't mentioned before, amanda bynes is my girl crush. (big dave's man crush is dennis franz of "nypd blue" fame. i still love you, dad.) i see EVERY film she's in. (yes, even "she's the man.") it was really funny though. mor will vouch for me. laugh out loud funny. go see it, and you will know why i love her. girls, because you'll want her to be your best friend. and guys, because she's stacked. mor will vouch for me on that too.

ode to penelope

this sort of actual thing happens all too often to our poor penny. so glad my manager found a picture that means i don't have to use the word m'self. (and i will not field questions if you don't know what this means. go find a teenage boy.)

mcdonald's monopoly

as i drove by the mcd's on my way home from work today, i took a particular interest in the big golden arches' sign: monopoly back. which made me wonder...is the (a) monopoly of verbs what is back? or is it just the (b) monopoly of the word "is"? or is it the (c) monopoly of the letters "i" and "s"? or was (d) the 16yr old pimple-prone employee too lazy to hang up anything more than absolutely necessary for people to understand the sign's true message? i'll leave this one up to you, america, but my vote is for the latter (d). it also doesn't help that all the employees at this certain mcd's are either spanish-speaking illegals who are disinterested in verbs or undereducated provo high sophomores who don't participate in extracurricular activities, such as reading.

12 oct update: mcdonald's has reassigned the pimpled teen. the sign now reads "monopoly is back." hallelujah.

jus-mor-tin timber-hawley-lake

the last few days, mor has found a way to incorporate jt's lyrics into our everyday conversations. i knew i loved jt before, but having my hubs serenade me with his songs makes me realize just how much i love him. mor, not jt. i'm having a hard time remembering which one i'm actually married to and which one is bonin' jessica beal. and then sometimes i pretend that I'M jessica beal, so i suppose it doesn't really matter which is which and who is who.

as you can see, he...



is easily confused with him...

you're it!

i don't really know how this "tagging" thing works. do i get to come spray paint obscenities on the overpass by your house? or do i have to sit out at recess until someone comes to tag me back in? ho hum, chicken bum. here goes nothing. (and i'm only doing this out of consideration for my friendship with you, kal, and only during the commercials of the colts-broncos game.)

5 things I was doing 10 years ago:
- thinking how great it was going to be to get to drive
- not knowing how ridiculously, sickly skinny i was
- thinking it completely unfair that andy wanted to date whitney over me
- gearing up for my one and only trip to hawai'i
- hating my drunken friends

5 things on my "to do" list for today:
- watch football until i can't see straight
- cheer on the colts (if you lose to the broncos, peyton, i will never dream about marrying you ever again)
- eat nachos for breakfast
- don't let penny annoy me
- pretend that it isn't colder in my house than it is outside

5 snacks I enjoy:
- peanut butter m&ms
- warm muffins, of the cheap jiffy blueberry variety
- mtn dew
- sour cream and cheddar tater chips
- the specialty reese cups (the ones shaped like pumpkins and christmas trees; they maximize the amount of pb)

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
- not live in debt anymore
- buy a house so no landlord could ever raise rent on us again (thanks for that, travis)
- let my dad pretend he'd won the lotto by giving him a few mill (along with my mom and sisters)
- start a college fund for all those unborn children
- not pay taxes

5 bad habits:
- feeding penny people food (i know, even though pb m&ms may be the size of doggie treats, they are not)
- consuming all of africa's share of mtn dew (not that they have it there anyway)
- wasting time
- complaining about how things aren't put away and then not putting anything away
- not showering on weekends

5 of my favorite toys:
- dvr
- penny
- penny (she counts for two toys, der)
- mor's credit cards
- borders (it's my growed-up fao schwartz)

5 people I tag:
- i don't have 5 friends who blog, so this is NA (that means "not applicable")

now, if you don't mind, i must steal my mtn dew back from the hubs before he backwashes cheezits into it.

scheisse.

he already did.

3:10 to yum-E

mor and i went to see this last night. (thanks to free movie tickets from my office because of a picture of mor with a dog-the-bounty-hunter-style mullet-sporter.) and it was SO good. but how could a movie with christian bale and russell crowe, bloodshed, pinkertons, bank robbers and indian sharpshooters not be good? exactly. i advise that you see this. even if you do have to buy the tickets. (we can't all have bosses who reward us not on merit and work ethic, but on who looks the best with a mullet backdrop.)

go see this:



not this:

penny for my thoughts?

any takers? anyone willing to offer just a titch more than a penny? what am i going to buy with A penny? honestly. they don't even make penny candies anymore, do they? these are a few of the thoughts that have been bouncing around my pretty little head today...
- why is notre dame 0-5? where have you gone, jeff samardzija? brady quinn?
- why is it that, no matter how many times we sweep this rug, it is never clean?
- why am i already itching to set up christmas stuff?
- why does my hubs think it's okay for him to wear jeans when i'm wearing sweats?
- why is my nose running/are my fingers numb/do my toes feel like ice cubes/does my piddle freeze before hitting the toilet water/can i see my breath in my own house?
- why don't people change their last name when it is something like fagg? or booty? or gay?
- why was i not the first woman to ref a televised football game?
- why do they always make the women be the sideline reporters during games when it's 20-below, while the guys sit up in the booth in their unnecessary circus sweaters, hot coffee in hand?
- how does my dog find any and all candy wrappers from treats mor or i ate months ago? and how is there still some chocolate yumminess on these wrappers for her to lick off?
- why doesn't money grow on trees? (trees are used to make paper; paper is used to make money; therefore, trees should just start with money on them. but only trees that grow in my yard.)
- what can i make with what is left in my fridge from months of no grocery shopping? taco meat, pickles, parmesan cheese, spicy mustard and super food (which tastes like vomit, regardless of what mor says).
- why must i end this superfluous entry just as i had you sitting with your fat duff on the edge of your seat?
...um, that would be so that i can go grab handfuls of peanut butter m&ms before mor feeds them all to penny. oh no wait, that's me.

putting the kibosh on

that's right. i'm putting it out there for everyone: i am NOT with child. contrary to what all the girls in my office are trying to spread around and to what my busybody 3yr old niece is telling her friends and teachers and parents, i will not be having a child in the next 9mo. nor in the next year or two even maybe. no matter how many people want to convince me that i am or should be, there is no baby in this belly. some peanut butter m&ms and lots of mtn dew, for sure. but baby? no. definitely not. thank you all for wanting to be so involved in our years-away children's lives, and i promise we will let you know when we are eventually (which means "not at present") going to expand our mini familia. now please, let's make up some rumors with a bit of credibility to them, eh?

ps i hear erica's getting her kids a pony for christmas. you should start mentioning this to coop and ains asap.

worth the wait

i was on hold for about 15min with a pharmacy yesterday, when a song came on the pharmacy radio that made the entire 15min totally worth my time. and it goes a little something like this...

{boyz II men "on bended knee"}

hrrumph

what?! it's only a quarter after 7 and i get to go home?! lies, all lies. now i just get to go to the OTHER office to drop everything off. then home to cold 3-day-old pizza. this IS living the high life.

t = 6:30p
pts = 2

tick tock

it's after 6p, and we still have three patients in the waiting room. how does this happen?

jurassic farce

one day while we were back in indiana, we spent the day at the children's museum. getting back to our roots, as jurassic creatures. here is the evidence we are descendants of the t-rex, or velocoraptor. take your pick.

mor would have been handsome even as a blood-sucking carnivore

or maybe not

our little dino t-rex family...aren't we all adorable?! (coop, mor, ainsley, emerson and moi)

best foot, i mean tail, forward

so beckett was hungry, whatever

back home AGAIN in indiANa, and at the zoo! woohoo!

we spent a day at the zoo, which is the raddest zoo EVER, with erica, coop, pain and becks. when we walked in, we saw that the ocean house was closed, so we didn't get to pet the baby sharks or see the cool fishies, but the rest of the zoo totally made up for it. we saw the walruses first (since the polar bears were sleeping in a secret hiding place). i have never seen a bigger aquatic mammal in person than one of them. it had to at least have been 15ft tall and i won't even hazard a guess at how much it weighed. (you can see him, brutus, in the second picture.) mammoth doesn't even begin to describe him. the other walrus (in the first and second pictures) has had some work done; don't worry, just some caps. he, waldo as i'll call him (although it could be nereus who is famous from animal planet), was enjoying his manhood. so much so, in fact, that he couldn't keep his flippers off himself. and in front of the kiddies. dis-gusting. i was appalled at first, then giggled hysterically. right alongside mor and erica. (thank goodness children are so innocent and unobservant at specific times.) then we got to see the MEERKATS!!! in the prairie house. (yeah yeah, get the giggles at my dorkiness out of your system.) coop liked the snake house, but it kinda weirded me out since the only lights were the ones in the snake tanks. creepy, but cool. the rhinos and elephants smelled like hot poop; there was an emu that had mor in his sights as a snack; and we found out coop would have made one cool mini-horse. (sorry, rob and big: he ain't for sale. yet.)
to sum up, we totally loved our sweaty day at the zoo (my beloved forever-a-5yr old husband more than all of us put together) and getting to spend time with erica and her kids. esp becks, who didn't make a peep the entire time. not even when we tried to feed him to the polar bears!


notice the crowns on ol' waldo the walrus' teef, all thanks to a buddy of matt's at the dental school

the masturbating walrus (left, and aka waldo) and giNORMous friend

obviously i was more excited about seeing flower's extended family than morgan was

mor trying his best to not make a face at how bad the rhinos stink

little does mr emu know that my hubs would have been more than just a "light snack"

coop's 11 hands high, whatever that means in horse language

UNDERNEATH (rad!) the dolphin exhibit

painy and her newly-acquired lizard friend

mor thought this turtle was one of the coolest animals at the zoo, go figure
aaand...


oh no! mor's worst nightmare has become becks' reality!