I haven't written anything about our infertility journey since back in February. When I last wrote I was very excited and positive about our doctor in Utah. But that changed very quickly. I had finished my first month with Femara and went in for blood work to see if I was expecting and the number came back pretty low so I called Dr. Blauer's office and my nurse wasn't in so some other lady called me back and she had no idea what was going on. She asked me if there was a chance that I could be pregnant, I was thinking to myself duh that's what we are trying to accomplish here. So she called in a progesterone pill that I needed to start using immediately. She was going to talk to my doctor and nurse and let them know what was going on and have them get a hold of me with the plan. Well I am still waiting for that call and that was back in March. I have never been so frustrated as I was that day. Todd and I talked and we prayed about it and decided that I would just finish out the Femara, since I had two more months of it and then we would take a break and let my body rest for a couple of months and then try another fertility doctor. I really liked the doctor in Layton that I went to to have my HSG done and the plan was to go back in a few months and meet with him.
It was heart breaking to feel like I was just another folder to Dr. Blauer. I really liked him the first time we met with him but I was constantly having to call for results that they were suppose to let me know about. I just didn't feel like they cared or that they were even aware of me. I understand that they have a lot of patients that they see but you should still care about each and every one of them. Or at least be organized enough to know what needs to be done that day.
I got together with a girl that I know who has adopted through the foster program. I wanted to know what my options were if the Femara didn't work. I knew that adoption wasn't an option right now, financially we couldn't afford it so we decided that we would look into the foster program. The meeting went good but I left feeling pretty down about it. Only because you have to take a class that is like 30 hours long I believe. It's twice a week for a few hours each night and you can't miss a class. And I knew that wasn't going to be possible with Todd's work schedule he is gone 5 days at a time and then home for 5 days so there would be no way he would be able to make it to the classes. So I felt like all our options were just not working out.
There have been hours and hours that I have spent pleading with my Heavenly Father to please give me the opportunity to be a mother. The Holy Ghost has testified to me that I would have that opportunity. But it just seemed like we were hitting dead ends every where we turned. A year ago as I was about to take my last round of Clomid my dad and Todd gave me a blessing, and in that blessing my Dad promised that we would get the chance to become parents. He promised that the medicine would work. I remember after that month had passed and I was still not pregnant I was heart broken. When would I ever get to be a mom? But I still had faith that things would work out. I never gave up faith in Heavenly Father's plan. A few months ago I was really having a hard day and the light at the end of the tunnel just seemed to no longer be there. Todd disappeared for a little while and I had no idea where he was. About 20 minutes later he came back in the house and with tears in his eyes he handed me his patriartical blessing and told me to read it. I bawled through the whole thing. Several times throughout his blessing he is told he will have a family. That moment brought Todd and I closer. He knew what I needed at the very moment.
I am not sure why we have had to go through this trial but it has brought Todd and I so much closer and our marriage is stronger because of it. It has also brought us closer to our Heavenly Father. The power of prayer is real and it can move mountains. I have felt the strength from each prayer that has been said in our behalf. I am so grateful for the temple and the covenants that we make there and the peace that comes from attending the temple. I am truly blessed to have an eternal family and to know that Todd and I have eternity together. It's hard to believe that we agreed to go through this trial but I know there are lessons to be learned. We have already learned so much and I am sure there is more to learn.
I know that because of this trial I will cherish the opportunity I have to be pregnant. No matter how sick I have been its worth it to me. I will cherish every moment and every experience that comes with it. I have learned that it's not worth it to get mad over the little things. If you waste your time on the little things you are going to miss out on the bigger things in life. Life is to short to spend it mad at each other, Especially at your children. Don't get me wrong there is a time and a place for discipline but I think a lot of the time situations can be avoided. Make sure your kids always know how much they are loved. Have a little more patience and be a little more understanding, cherish this time in life because they will be all grown up before we know it.
On July 8 I took a pregnancy test, I was terrified. I had been in this boat before and every other time the test has come back negative. This time was a little different I had had some very different symptoms than previous months and I was four weeks late. But that still wasn't enough comfort for me. I have been two months late before and had tests come back negative. So I took the test sat it down in the bathroom and went out to the living room where Todd was and I just stared bawling. He asked if the test had been negative and I said, "I don't know we have to wait three minutes." That was the longest three minutes of my life and some of the most emotional minutes as well. I knew what the outcome was going to be, it was going to be like every other month it was going to be negative. The three minutes were up and Todd and i went back into the bathroom to check together and I looked at the test and buried my head in his chest and started to bawl even harder. It was positive. Todd kept asking me what it said and I couldn't talk he had to figure it out himself. Our prayers had finally been answered the medicine worked on our last month. We are going to be parents. We find out in a month what we are having and February 18 is our due date. I am so grateful for all the prayers and the fasting that has been done on our behalf.
What a roller coaster journey this has all been. But as I look back I am grateful for all that I have gone through. My love for my Savior, Jesus Christ has grown tremendously and I have grown to have a stronger testimony of the power of prayer and of blessings. Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is aware of each and everyone of your lives. They will never leave us. I look back a realize more times than not that they carried me through a lot of the last four years.
