Soberness sucks.
Eating sucks.
- Although, I forget often... Not thinking about food & accepting it more, it's a challenge to even care about food. Accepting food has been okay. :|
Only gained 15 lbs. I hate it.
My boyfriend is my number one support.
I love him.
Goodbye Bloggers <3
Love and miss you all.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
done.done.done.done.SO DONE.
I'm not taking any pills for the next month.
None. Zero. Nothing.
I purged last night.
I broke down arguing with my mom this morning.
I'm so done.
Done with the half way double life.
Done with the pain and fear
Done being on the brink of death
Done crying myself to sleep
Done hating myself for the things I have to do in recovery
Done not having a choice
Done feeling like I'm at this alone
Done facing every day like it's my last, 'cause it really could be..
I just want this to all be gone.
None. Zero. Nothing.
I purged last night.
I broke down arguing with my mom this morning.
I'm so done.
Done with the half way double life.
Done with the pain and fear
Done being on the brink of death
Done crying myself to sleep
Done hating myself for the things I have to do in recovery
Done not having a choice
Done feeling like I'm at this alone
Done facing every day like it's my last, 'cause it really could be..
I just want this to all be gone.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
OneStep(at)aTime
I ate Friday night.
Yesterday I woke up to 128.
I guess my body was so excited I left something inside, it ate too much.
Keeping food down is destroying my mind. I HATE it.
I'm not cutting. I'm not going over board with pills.
This sucks for me but it makes my boyfriend so proud.
Unfortunately, my mom doesn't believe it's happening. *sigh*
I won't let myself see my numbers.
I will try to be healthy.
I will eat when I'm hungry.
I will only taste it once.
I will feed myself every day.
...I'm trying /:
<3 recovery is breaking my mind more than obsession with numbers, at the moment..
Yesterday I woke up to 128.
I guess my body was so excited I left something inside, it ate too much.
Keeping food down is destroying my mind. I HATE it.
I'm not cutting. I'm not going over board with pills.
This sucks for me but it makes my boyfriend so proud.
Unfortunately, my mom doesn't believe it's happening. *sigh*
I won't let myself see my numbers.
I will try to be healthy.
I will eat when I'm hungry.
I will only taste it once.
I will feed myself every day.
...I'm trying /:
<3 recovery is breaking my mind more than obsession with numbers, at the moment..
Saturday, January 15, 2011
recovery?WHAT.
My world blew up again.
It loves to do that.
130 and I'm going to miss it.
Wednesday I went to the doctor. Here's what I told her:
- Bulimic tendencies for 5 years
- Chronic nightmares that destroy my life in the winter
- Don't eat 5 days of the week
- Laxatives, water pills, Phentremene
Here's what I was told:
- Ulcers, colon infection, torn esophagus bad teeth
- Dead by 35, latest.
She listened to my heart and lungs, felt my stomach and all that crap. I got an EKG. She said the only reason everything sounded and looked as normal as it did is because I'm on so many stimulants. My heart is actually on the brink of giving out. That I should stop taking what I do but, it could cause bad things too. Complicated. And my whole color changing thing? I randomly turn red and purple all over. That's my thyroid. It's malfunctioning too. And when I shake a lot? That can be considered normal for me now. Blood sugar, imbalanced electrolytes, malfunctioning organs - my body doesn't know what's going on and it goes haywire, so I shake and sometimes get red in the face. It's not cute.
I was prescribed Lexapro and Alprazolam. An anti-depressant and a generic named Xanax. I'm on day 3 of the Lexapro. Haven't had a nightmare since I've taken it.. which is what the doc said it'd do. I'm thankful.
Side effects:
- feeling warm
- sweaty palms
- short term memory loss
I tell my mom everything from the doctor. I got lectured so hard I had to keep gluing myself together as she yelled 'cause I was on my way to being so broken I wouldn't have even bothered to fix myself later. What exactly did this lecture say?
"I have no faith in you. You're killing yourself for attention. I'm tired of your mistakes. I tried time and time again to reach out and help. This is all your fault. You don't need anti-depressants. I will not be blamed for this. It's easy, you can just stop. You can't keep self destructing."
Yeah, I did throw it in her face that she specifically told me to cut myself on Christmas Eve. Her response? "Because I don't care anymore, I don't love you. I only love you because you're my daughter but other than that I am detached."
I'm going through with an operation where I swallow a camera to look for tears, sores, ulcers, and infections. I will be put under for this.
Risks:
- Reactions to medicines, reaction to interactions of medicines
- Internal bleeding
- Infection
- Heart and breathing problems
- Collapsing lung
- Hiatal hernia (portion of the stomach protrudes upward into the chest, through an opening in the diaphragm)
So no, I'm not only scared of what they'll find. I'm scared that the search itself could cause more problems as well.
I love my boyfriend for supporting me every single step of the way and being there for me every single second of the day.
<3 how do i do this if everyone isn't just letting me down, but pushing me through the cracks in the floor with their own hands..
It loves to do that.
130 and I'm going to miss it.
Wednesday I went to the doctor. Here's what I told her:
- Bulimic tendencies for 5 years
- Chronic nightmares that destroy my life in the winter
- Don't eat 5 days of the week
- Laxatives, water pills, Phentremene
Here's what I was told:
- Ulcers, colon infection, torn esophagus bad teeth
- Dead by 35, latest.
She listened to my heart and lungs, felt my stomach and all that crap. I got an EKG. She said the only reason everything sounded and looked as normal as it did is because I'm on so many stimulants. My heart is actually on the brink of giving out. That I should stop taking what I do but, it could cause bad things too. Complicated. And my whole color changing thing? I randomly turn red and purple all over. That's my thyroid. It's malfunctioning too. And when I shake a lot? That can be considered normal for me now. Blood sugar, imbalanced electrolytes, malfunctioning organs - my body doesn't know what's going on and it goes haywire, so I shake and sometimes get red in the face. It's not cute.
I was prescribed Lexapro and Alprazolam. An anti-depressant and a generic named Xanax. I'm on day 3 of the Lexapro. Haven't had a nightmare since I've taken it.. which is what the doc said it'd do. I'm thankful.
Side effects:
- feeling warm
- sweaty palms
- short term memory loss
I tell my mom everything from the doctor. I got lectured so hard I had to keep gluing myself together as she yelled 'cause I was on my way to being so broken I wouldn't have even bothered to fix myself later. What exactly did this lecture say?
"I have no faith in you. You're killing yourself for attention. I'm tired of your mistakes. I tried time and time again to reach out and help. This is all your fault. You don't need anti-depressants. I will not be blamed for this. It's easy, you can just stop. You can't keep self destructing."
Yeah, I did throw it in her face that she specifically told me to cut myself on Christmas Eve. Her response? "Because I don't care anymore, I don't love you. I only love you because you're my daughter but other than that I am detached."
I'm going through with an operation where I swallow a camera to look for tears, sores, ulcers, and infections. I will be put under for this.
Risks:
- Reactions to medicines, reaction to interactions of medicines
- Internal bleeding
- Infection
- Heart and breathing problems
- Collapsing lung
- Hiatal hernia (portion of the stomach protrudes upward into the chest, through an opening in the diaphragm)
So no, I'm not only scared of what they'll find. I'm scared that the search itself could cause more problems as well.
I love my boyfriend for supporting me every single step of the way and being there for me every single second of the day.
<3 how do i do this if everyone isn't just letting me down, but pushing me through the cracks in the floor with their own hands..
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
live(in)love.
Numbers unknown. But surely small.
I woke up a couple times this morning only to fall back into darkness moments after hitting the alarm. Nightmare after nightmare! Ever dream and at one point, you realize you're asleep? I knew 90% of the time I was dreaming but I couldn't escape the horrible things I was seeing. I got up at 6:30am to have a cigarette with my mom and crawled back under the covers. Instantaneously unconscious. So suddenly running through one fear after another. One unfathomably painful sight after the other. Horrors last all through the night and all through the morning. 11:45am and the boyfriend calls. Never been so happy to hear his voice in my life. I didn't even think back on my terrors and cry because I was too set on the happiness of waking up to his voice.
I roll out of bed and eat my candies. Two for hunger, two for my body, and three to help empty my body further.
I had zero intention of eating today and I didn't. My stepdad though, insisted I have dinner. He made me a grilled cheese with mustard and brought it to my room. I continued to procrastinate homework with Facebook and let the sandwich sit. I craved nicotine so I finally did something with the evil that had been sitting on my bed. teartearflush. I cried a little. I hate when food is made special for me and I do that. I didn't even chew and spit. Just... straight down the toilet.
0 bites.
Talking to the boyfriend almost all day. He wants to accompany me to the doctor tomorrow after school. I wish he could.. I don't know if I'll be able to spit the questions out. In order for his mom to say he could join me, he told her I had stomach ulcers and this doctor visit is critical. Sort of true. I probably do have ulcers, the stomach aches tell me. His mother said no. He then told her I was Bulimic. She still said no. Sadness touched my hand, I popped a mood stabilizer.
Talking to the boyfriend. Running around having a photo shoot with my cat. Procrastination is fun. But, I feel stressed that I didn't do my homework. I need an A in that class... That homework was classwork. Fuck me spinning.
I went on the porch feelin' a little cracked out. The chilled winter air spun itself around my limbs and hugged my chest. I fell in love with this feeling. So suddenly, I'm attacked by happiness and the rest of my day I was high on smiles.
Almost bed time, I should do homework...
If insomnia stops by, it'll happen. Otherwise, cheatcheatcheat.
Cheating. It's an honor student thing.
Life tip: Live in love before you die.
Just like everything you do, it will do nothing short of change your life.
<3 my passion to brighten the world burns
like the lighter i use to ignite the candles of happiness
in attempt to truly light up the dark corners of every life i run into
I woke up a couple times this morning only to fall back into darkness moments after hitting the alarm. Nightmare after nightmare! Ever dream and at one point, you realize you're asleep? I knew 90% of the time I was dreaming but I couldn't escape the horrible things I was seeing. I got up at 6:30am to have a cigarette with my mom and crawled back under the covers. Instantaneously unconscious. So suddenly running through one fear after another. One unfathomably painful sight after the other. Horrors last all through the night and all through the morning. 11:45am and the boyfriend calls. Never been so happy to hear his voice in my life. I didn't even think back on my terrors and cry because I was too set on the happiness of waking up to his voice.
I roll out of bed and eat my candies. Two for hunger, two for my body, and three to help empty my body further.
I had zero intention of eating today and I didn't. My stepdad though, insisted I have dinner. He made me a grilled cheese with mustard and brought it to my room. I continued to procrastinate homework with Facebook and let the sandwich sit. I craved nicotine so I finally did something with the evil that had been sitting on my bed. teartearflush. I cried a little. I hate when food is made special for me and I do that. I didn't even chew and spit. Just... straight down the toilet.
0 bites.
Talking to the boyfriend almost all day. He wants to accompany me to the doctor tomorrow after school. I wish he could.. I don't know if I'll be able to spit the questions out. In order for his mom to say he could join me, he told her I had stomach ulcers and this doctor visit is critical. Sort of true. I probably do have ulcers, the stomach aches tell me. His mother said no. He then told her I was Bulimic. She still said no. Sadness touched my hand, I popped a mood stabilizer.
Talking to the boyfriend. Running around having a photo shoot with my cat. Procrastination is fun. But, I feel stressed that I didn't do my homework. I need an A in that class... That homework was classwork. Fuck me spinning.
I went on the porch feelin' a little cracked out. The chilled winter air spun itself around my limbs and hugged my chest. I fell in love with this feeling. So suddenly, I'm attacked by happiness and the rest of my day I was high on smiles.
Almost bed time, I should do homework...
If insomnia stops by, it'll happen. Otherwise, cheatcheatcheat.
Cheating. It's an honor student thing.
Life tip: Live in love before you die.
Just like everything you do, it will do nothing short of change your life.
<3 my passion to brighten the world burns
like the lighter i use to ignite the candles of happiness
in attempt to truly light up the dark corners of every life i run into
Sunday, January 9, 2011
It's just a part of who I am..
130 stuck. That's okay.
Slept 90% of my weekend away.
I turned out to be everything everyone doesn't want me to be.
I'm an individual and my mother doesn't accept it.
I'm a pot head and my boyfriend doesn't like it.
I'm anorexic but my state of health tells me I shouldn't be.
It hurts being asked to not be a part of who you are.
It hurts worse once you find your self worth again and the people you love are breaking it back down. I'm finding myself in this world and everything that catches my eye turns everyone away from me.
I could be 70lbs and perfect and I could still never be accepted.
But my weight could kill me and I'd die happy.
I'd rather leave a pretty corpse.
A flawless one
Why am I not allowed to be me?
And I can't say these things to anyone because every one of my pretty little secrets would slip out one way or another. And now Casey thinks I'm stealing her boyfriend? Between not being allowed to be myself and being accused of such bullshit, I'm a tad bit broken. A heart sunken feeling that lasts for days starts hurting the rest of your body. I stopped gauging my ears because it's not "accepted." I stopped smoking pot because my boyfriend doesn't "like" it. I'll morph back into 'normal' or whatever normal is supposed to be and continue hating it.
I can only love myself when I'm every part of who I am.
A lot of me is bring taken away.
<3 if i'm not allowed to be me
i don't know if i want to be here
Slept 90% of my weekend away.
I turned out to be everything everyone doesn't want me to be.
I'm an individual and my mother doesn't accept it.
I'm a pot head and my boyfriend doesn't like it.
I'm anorexic but my state of health tells me I shouldn't be.
It hurts being asked to not be a part of who you are.
It hurts worse once you find your self worth again and the people you love are breaking it back down. I'm finding myself in this world and everything that catches my eye turns everyone away from me.
I could be 70lbs and perfect and I could still never be accepted.
But my weight could kill me and I'd die happy.
I'd rather leave a pretty corpse.
A flawless one
Why am I not allowed to be me?
And I can't say these things to anyone because every one of my pretty little secrets would slip out one way or another. And now Casey thinks I'm stealing her boyfriend? Between not being allowed to be myself and being accused of such bullshit, I'm a tad bit broken. A heart sunken feeling that lasts for days starts hurting the rest of your body. I stopped gauging my ears because it's not "accepted." I stopped smoking pot because my boyfriend doesn't "like" it. I'll morph back into 'normal' or whatever normal is supposed to be and continue hating it.
I can only love myself when I'm every part of who I am.
A lot of me is bring taken away.
<3 if i'm not allowed to be me
i don't know if i want to be here
Saturday, January 8, 2011
what.....
I have no idea how I'm awake. Or alive.
And I don't know what kinda of emotions I should have about that.
And I don't know what kinda of emotions I should have about that.
untitled
Whatever I have left of the sleeping pills.
All the painkillers I have that I took from my mom.
Box after bottle of nasal decongestants.
9x the dose of my diet pills.
Chugging all the cough syrup I have stashed.
And a box of exlax.
Advil, ibuprofen, aleve; all I can find.
Even pills I have no idea what they are.
candycandycandy
Entering my body.
One pretty red mark after the other everywhere I please.
Hi, I'm a problem. My day starts with overdosing and slicing veins in the shower.
All the painkillers I have that I took from my mom.
Box after bottle of nasal decongestants.
9x the dose of my diet pills.
Chugging all the cough syrup I have stashed.
And a box of exlax.
Advil, ibuprofen, aleve; all I can find.
Even pills I have no idea what they are.
candycandycandy
Entering my body.
One pretty red mark after the other everywhere I please.
Hi, I'm a problem. My day starts with overdosing and slicing veins in the shower.
Friday, January 7, 2011
i'm(barely)alive
I fell off the face of Blog World. I do apologize.
My computer has been dead. It committed suicide.
I'm going to make the stories short but make sure important parts are included.
Numbers: 130 & stuck. This is okay.
14 pounds underweight and I couldn't gain if I tried.
...Wednesday is about to be fun.
Monday:
I was only excited to go back to school to see people, mostly my boyfriend. And I was dying to get out of the house. Fairly okay day. A day of emptiness.
Tuesday:
17. Best fucking birthday of my life. Nothing really even happened that was that fabulous. Just a good day in general. Went to dinner with Casey and her boyfriend but purging does me well. +0lbs.
Wednesday:
I almost wish I could remember. 0 bites.
Thursday:
Sucked into dinner. Manwich whatthefuck. I hate that it tasted good because 1, food is evil and 2, meat doesn't really agree with my stomach anymore. Oh but in theater class.. I got people talkin' about how skinny I am? I'm not feeling it but I'm glad it's visible, at least to someone. That means it's actually happening and my eyes aren't lying to me. I don't even care about hiding it from my mom anymore...
Friday:
Food was more than okay, sadly. The meat had my stomach killing itself all day. Morning started fairly not good. So tired I think I slept with my eyes open. But, the day went on and I went through the motions. Food happened more than I wish. My colon's immunity to laxatives has increased which can let me assume it doesn't and probably won't work completely right for a long time. Pretty sure it's an important organ. More than sure it doesn't effect any of my decisions and if it breaks, stops working, and falls out of my body I wouldn't let it effect my pro-ana lifestyle at all.
New things I can't put in a timeline:
- I did a little bit of sketchy pro-ana business. I bought Phetremene. Fuck the reviews, it kills hunger like Al Kapone. I quite love it. The side effects are.. not horrible but floor/face contact is to be expected. Yeah, only taken it a few days and already had a faint spell. But I don't care..
- Getting my purging induced cavity filled Monday morning. Doctor appointment Wednesday after school. So this doctor appointment... I could go in, be honest about my entire life, not hide my weight one way or another, and completely ignore all the abnormal problems that could be red flags. ...Or I could Expose myself entirely and just ask a ton of questions and get a bunch of tests done... I still haven't decided.
So I started gauging my ears. Size 14 at the moment. I know, huge right? You could look right through it and it's rotting and completely ludicrous. It'll never go back to normal and my ears will be ruined forever. False. But my mom did flip a shit about it. So the lecture this time... was one to surely go in the books. There was so much "society doesn't accept..." and "I hate it. You look stupid, you can't get away with it..." that I couldn't breathe. My heart beatbeatpounded my ribcage until it forced liquids to trickle all down my face. And as always, I got the "why are you crying, I didn't say anything to upset you..." cutting into my wrists.
Mom: What do you feel like right now?
Me: I'll never be accepted because I'm not a 5'9 twig thin hanger for ugly clothes walking down a runway...
Mom: Where did that come from?
Me: *lieslieslies distraction*
I spelled it out in loud bold letters but she didn't mention anything else about my comment. I'm so glad that my dear mother can hate everything I do whether it's when I'm being my own individual or trying to fit in, and she'll stop them all 'cept the deadly one. I don't feel bad about a single thing I've done to upset her right now. I don't know how I should feel about anything relating her at all. She continues about how I know nothing about stress. Needless to say, I wanted to grab the closest sharp object and pierce every chamber of my heart - just to be sure it doesn't keep beating.
Confession?
I don't know if I've just accept death already, or if I ask for it everyday. I don't know if I'm looking for the easier way out. I haven't overdosed since I got my stomach virus before school started this week and I haven't cut since then either. But there's never a day I don't want to. Cutting lets it all out. Cutting takes the pain from within me away. Cutting gives me what I deserve when I'm not in the process of starving myself to dangerously emaciated.
...And this is the lifestyle I've grown to know and not be willing to give up for anything, even to save my own life.
Pot head progress? Achievement. Smokin' dope errrdayyy.
I wonder if, but I hope not, and I suspect - the boyfriend may know.
Well, he will anyways because he stalks my blog harder than I crave to write in it. Not, not that hardcore stalking.. but close.
Could I not disappoint someone for once... I need to change the world. Who died and made "society" dictator of what's right and wrong? Maybe I can be the one to kill "society" and help the rest of the world be accepted for being an individual. Because I was raised to be this way and everyone quotes it. Don't tell me I can be whoever the fuck I want to be and live the life of my choosing - but when I'm ready to take on the world you're gonna send me home because I don't fit the qualities of the accepted list. Einstein couldn't tie his shoes. George Washington grew and smoked weed. Van Gogh cut off his own fucking ear and made art of it. Why can't I have a total of 4 holes in my 2 ears and stretch 3 of them to just-not-big-enough to see through? Fine. Categorize me. But I'll blow it up all over your face and you'll change your mind about who I am before a Hot Pocket can cook in the microwave.
I hate the world and how it works. If I could make a living of it that wouldn't make me want to commit suicide more than I already think about it, I'd change everything about the world to let people be who they are and get everywhere they want in life. I wouldn't let the stupid shit get in the way.
<3 i'm such a fucking genius behind my mother's back
but she can never have enough faith in me to believe it
My computer has been dead. It committed suicide.
I'm going to make the stories short but make sure important parts are included.
Numbers: 130 & stuck. This is okay.
14 pounds underweight and I couldn't gain if I tried.
...Wednesday is about to be fun.
Monday:
I was only excited to go back to school to see people, mostly my boyfriend. And I was dying to get out of the house. Fairly okay day. A day of emptiness.
Tuesday:
17. Best fucking birthday of my life. Nothing really even happened that was that fabulous. Just a good day in general. Went to dinner with Casey and her boyfriend but purging does me well. +0lbs.
Wednesday:
I almost wish I could remember. 0 bites.
Thursday:
Sucked into dinner. Manwich whatthefuck. I hate that it tasted good because 1, food is evil and 2, meat doesn't really agree with my stomach anymore. Oh but in theater class.. I got people talkin' about how skinny I am? I'm not feeling it but I'm glad it's visible, at least to someone. That means it's actually happening and my eyes aren't lying to me. I don't even care about hiding it from my mom anymore...
Friday:
Food was more than okay, sadly. The meat had my stomach killing itself all day. Morning started fairly not good. So tired I think I slept with my eyes open. But, the day went on and I went through the motions. Food happened more than I wish. My colon's immunity to laxatives has increased which can let me assume it doesn't and probably won't work completely right for a long time. Pretty sure it's an important organ. More than sure it doesn't effect any of my decisions and if it breaks, stops working, and falls out of my body I wouldn't let it effect my pro-ana lifestyle at all.
New things I can't put in a timeline:
- I did a little bit of sketchy pro-ana business. I bought Phetremene. Fuck the reviews, it kills hunger like Al Kapone. I quite love it. The side effects are.. not horrible but floor/face contact is to be expected. Yeah, only taken it a few days and already had a faint spell. But I don't care..
- Getting my purging induced cavity filled Monday morning. Doctor appointment Wednesday after school. So this doctor appointment... I could go in, be honest about my entire life, not hide my weight one way or another, and completely ignore all the abnormal problems that could be red flags. ...Or I could Expose myself entirely and just ask a ton of questions and get a bunch of tests done... I still haven't decided.
So I started gauging my ears. Size 14 at the moment. I know, huge right? You could look right through it and it's rotting and completely ludicrous. It'll never go back to normal and my ears will be ruined forever. False. But my mom did flip a shit about it. So the lecture this time... was one to surely go in the books. There was so much "society doesn't accept..." and "I hate it. You look stupid, you can't get away with it..." that I couldn't breathe. My heart beatbeatpounded my ribcage until it forced liquids to trickle all down my face. And as always, I got the "why are you crying, I didn't say anything to upset you..." cutting into my wrists.
Mom: What do you feel like right now?
Me: I'll never be accepted because I'm not a 5'9 twig thin hanger for ugly clothes walking down a runway...
Mom: Where did that come from?
Me: *lieslieslies distraction*
I spelled it out in loud bold letters but she didn't mention anything else about my comment. I'm so glad that my dear mother can hate everything I do whether it's when I'm being my own individual or trying to fit in, and she'll stop them all 'cept the deadly one. I don't feel bad about a single thing I've done to upset her right now. I don't know how I should feel about anything relating her at all. She continues about how I know nothing about stress. Needless to say, I wanted to grab the closest sharp object and pierce every chamber of my heart - just to be sure it doesn't keep beating.
Confession?
I don't know if I've just accept death already, or if I ask for it everyday. I don't know if I'm looking for the easier way out. I haven't overdosed since I got my stomach virus before school started this week and I haven't cut since then either. But there's never a day I don't want to. Cutting lets it all out. Cutting takes the pain from within me away. Cutting gives me what I deserve when I'm not in the process of starving myself to dangerously emaciated.
...And this is the lifestyle I've grown to know and not be willing to give up for anything, even to save my own life.
Pot head progress? Achievement. Smokin' dope errrdayyy.
I wonder if, but I hope not, and I suspect - the boyfriend may know.
Well, he will anyways because he stalks my blog harder than I crave to write in it. Not, not that hardcore stalking.. but close.
Could I not disappoint someone for once... I need to change the world. Who died and made "society" dictator of what's right and wrong? Maybe I can be the one to kill "society" and help the rest of the world be accepted for being an individual. Because I was raised to be this way and everyone quotes it. Don't tell me I can be whoever the fuck I want to be and live the life of my choosing - but when I'm ready to take on the world you're gonna send me home because I don't fit the qualities of the accepted list. Einstein couldn't tie his shoes. George Washington grew and smoked weed. Van Gogh cut off his own fucking ear and made art of it. Why can't I have a total of 4 holes in my 2 ears and stretch 3 of them to just-not-big-enough to see through? Fine. Categorize me. But I'll blow it up all over your face and you'll change your mind about who I am before a Hot Pocket can cook in the microwave.
I hate the world and how it works. If I could make a living of it that wouldn't make me want to commit suicide more than I already think about it, I'd change everything about the world to let people be who they are and get everywhere they want in life. I wouldn't let the stupid shit get in the way.
<3 i'm such a fucking genius behind my mother's back
but she can never have enough faith in me to believe it
Saturday, January 1, 2011
just sayin'...
BY THE WAY:
Romeo. Heather. DD. Boyfriend. Mom. Stepdad. Brother. Raven.
I love you.
With no order, you guys are big in my life.
I don't care if this is never read, I just want it on record.
<3
Romeo. Heather. DD. Boyfriend. Mom. Stepdad. Brother. Raven.
I love you.
With no order, you guys are big in my life.
I don't care if this is never read, I just want it on record.
<3
inspire.
This morning, woken by the sounds of life in my house.
Took my stabilizer. Popped some water pills. Ate and anti-hunger candy.
Health drink followed by 2 small cups of coffee and half a glass of water.
My sins are washing out and I'm walking on the tips of my toes.
I'm afraid to see the damage I've done but I feel it seeping out.
Talking about "dinner" for my brother's birthday tomorrow, I requested a hotdog because steak and I aren't friends. Mom grunts and storms outside. Really? What did I do? Pretty sure she knows I'd rather not eat steak if I have a choice. If I'm forced to eat. If I can't escape. Steak destroys my stomach. Sorry...
I can't avoid brother's dinner. I might not be able to avoid my own birthday dinner treat. Fuck. Just fuck me. But with an anti-hunger candy doing the dirty work as we speak, I have faith for today. I feel pretty darn good about today. I feel happy today. I won't let food break my smile. Not the first day of the new year. I'm starting right.
I just cleaned the floors. Even got up all the coffee stains. I cleaned up the kitchen some, too. I feel accomplished. It looks fairly nice. A lot better than before. I did that. Me. I made use of myself to please my mom. And because I just like a clean house. But it matters more to me that it makes my mother happy. I love her, I do. I can't help doing things wrong. I can't help not being my brother. I can't help my flaws. But I'm going to do my best to put a smile on her face. No matter how much more she wishes I could be. I love my mom, I just want her to be happy. Breaks my heart I feel like I'm not enough for her.
I'm fucking high. Anti-hunger candy - thank you. I'll be touching the stars soon enough.
My parental units are going out today. Flea market, thanks. I will be making the very most of my time. I will be spending it green. Yeah. Pot head is on it's way to being very much alive.
I don't think my boyfriend likes it that I'm smoking weed again. He always gets kind of a disappointing sting in his voice when we talk about it. But I'm not going to keep anything from him. But honestly, life was so much better when I smoked on the daily. I was more productive. I had better grades consistently. I was happier. I suppose if I'm going to be a pot head living with a drug investigator and a sheriff, I have to be pretty perfect. I was almost there. Then I quit. Why? I became such a pot head I got too lazy to get high. Then I sold all my weed to my brother. Who still owes me money. But I have my stash again and it's back to business. What the doctor knows, they can't say shit about. Patient/doctor confidentiality thank youuu.
Off birth control for a few weeks because I made my appointment too late. It will be easier to resist cravings and lose weight. And my boobs are already shrinking. I hate having boobs. They just get in the way, I just wish they'd be smaller. I used to be a D cup. Now I'm makin' home at a C. Come on, little bit smaller. Just a tad.
Starting 2011.
I'm in love. I need it to stay that way. I can't think of any other way to live my life now. I'm going to find where the fuck my self worth went. I'm going to trap it inside. And I'm going to put all the pieces back together and make it stronger than ever before. I believe. I have faith. We can all thank my lovely boyfriend for picking me up from the floor when I was taken over by a zombie and all other times my heart decided it was okay to stop and break. He doesn't even have to do anything, he's just always there. Just seeing someone who doesn't want to give up on me is all I need. The perfect fix.
*Hey Hot Pocket-
You left before you could make us famous. I beat myself up everyday for what I did to you. I'm sorry I betrayed you so hard. Darling, you didn't get to make a name for us, but I for damn sure will make you big. I'll get somewhere one day and I'll put your name at the top of that list of how I got there. Another year without you, but another year to have the chance to do something great and I'm goin' all out for you, baby. iloveyou imissyou every second you're not here.
This year will be filled with mistakes, I'm sure. But every single one of them I won't regret. Every single wrong step I take, I won't back up from. I will turn around and look at what I've done. I'll look and I'll learn. I'll take every experience I get and make the best of it. I'm going to be optimistic. I'm going to be the old Morgan who's heart was brighter than the sun and a full moon. I'm sinking back into the Morgan that grew up with more challenges than anyone of those ages should go through, but was tough enough to face it and beat it.
I like my life. I enjoy it. I love dearly every single person in my life.
But I cannot deny that I wouldn't mind if my life was taken away from me.
Lemme explain:
I feel I've done some good and bad things in my life. The bad not being bad enough for death to be punishment, though. But I feel I've done alright for the time being. I believe that if my life was taken and given to another, I would be a spirit, a guide for someone who truly needs it. Another life to touch, help, pick back up. I live for other people's happiness. I see the world as such a dark, angry place with patches of light. I feel like I could be one of those lights and do more for the world, for the broken lives we don't see. I lived in Hell. Grew up in it. I know there needs to be light shown upon places like that. I just want the world to be a better, brighter, place to live in for the ones I love. I'd do everything in my power to improve as many hearts as I could.
But who am I to decide what's right for someone else's heart? /:
I just want to make everyone I can, happy.
Because I know how bad people can hurt, and I don't want anyone to feel it.
Happy New Year.
Make it good.
<3 where's the darkness.
Took my stabilizer. Popped some water pills. Ate and anti-hunger candy.
Health drink followed by 2 small cups of coffee and half a glass of water.
My sins are washing out and I'm walking on the tips of my toes.
I'm afraid to see the damage I've done but I feel it seeping out.
Talking about "dinner" for my brother's birthday tomorrow, I requested a hotdog because steak and I aren't friends. Mom grunts and storms outside. Really? What did I do? Pretty sure she knows I'd rather not eat steak if I have a choice. If I'm forced to eat. If I can't escape. Steak destroys my stomach. Sorry...
I can't avoid brother's dinner. I might not be able to avoid my own birthday dinner treat. Fuck. Just fuck me. But with an anti-hunger candy doing the dirty work as we speak, I have faith for today. I feel pretty darn good about today. I feel happy today. I won't let food break my smile. Not the first day of the new year. I'm starting right.
I just cleaned the floors. Even got up all the coffee stains. I cleaned up the kitchen some, too. I feel accomplished. It looks fairly nice. A lot better than before. I did that. Me. I made use of myself to please my mom. And because I just like a clean house. But it matters more to me that it makes my mother happy. I love her, I do. I can't help doing things wrong. I can't help not being my brother. I can't help my flaws. But I'm going to do my best to put a smile on her face. No matter how much more she wishes I could be. I love my mom, I just want her to be happy. Breaks my heart I feel like I'm not enough for her.
I'm fucking high. Anti-hunger candy - thank you. I'll be touching the stars soon enough.
My parental units are going out today. Flea market, thanks. I will be making the very most of my time. I will be spending it green. Yeah. Pot head is on it's way to being very much alive.
I don't think my boyfriend likes it that I'm smoking weed again. He always gets kind of a disappointing sting in his voice when we talk about it. But I'm not going to keep anything from him. But honestly, life was so much better when I smoked on the daily. I was more productive. I had better grades consistently. I was happier. I suppose if I'm going to be a pot head living with a drug investigator and a sheriff, I have to be pretty perfect. I was almost there. Then I quit. Why? I became such a pot head I got too lazy to get high. Then I sold all my weed to my brother. Who still owes me money. But I have my stash again and it's back to business. What the doctor knows, they can't say shit about. Patient/doctor confidentiality thank youuu.
Off birth control for a few weeks because I made my appointment too late. It will be easier to resist cravings and lose weight. And my boobs are already shrinking. I hate having boobs. They just get in the way, I just wish they'd be smaller. I used to be a D cup. Now I'm makin' home at a C. Come on, little bit smaller. Just a tad.
Starting 2011.
I'm in love. I need it to stay that way. I can't think of any other way to live my life now. I'm going to find where the fuck my self worth went. I'm going to trap it inside. And I'm going to put all the pieces back together and make it stronger than ever before. I believe. I have faith. We can all thank my lovely boyfriend for picking me up from the floor when I was taken over by a zombie and all other times my heart decided it was okay to stop and break. He doesn't even have to do anything, he's just always there. Just seeing someone who doesn't want to give up on me is all I need. The perfect fix.
*Hey Hot Pocket-
You left before you could make us famous. I beat myself up everyday for what I did to you. I'm sorry I betrayed you so hard. Darling, you didn't get to make a name for us, but I for damn sure will make you big. I'll get somewhere one day and I'll put your name at the top of that list of how I got there. Another year without you, but another year to have the chance to do something great and I'm goin' all out for you, baby. iloveyou imissyou every second you're not here.
This year will be filled with mistakes, I'm sure. But every single one of them I won't regret. Every single wrong step I take, I won't back up from. I will turn around and look at what I've done. I'll look and I'll learn. I'll take every experience I get and make the best of it. I'm going to be optimistic. I'm going to be the old Morgan who's heart was brighter than the sun and a full moon. I'm sinking back into the Morgan that grew up with more challenges than anyone of those ages should go through, but was tough enough to face it and beat it.
I like my life. I enjoy it. I love dearly every single person in my life.
But I cannot deny that I wouldn't mind if my life was taken away from me.
Lemme explain:
I feel I've done some good and bad things in my life. The bad not being bad enough for death to be punishment, though. But I feel I've done alright for the time being. I believe that if my life was taken and given to another, I would be a spirit, a guide for someone who truly needs it. Another life to touch, help, pick back up. I live for other people's happiness. I see the world as such a dark, angry place with patches of light. I feel like I could be one of those lights and do more for the world, for the broken lives we don't see. I lived in Hell. Grew up in it. I know there needs to be light shown upon places like that. I just want the world to be a better, brighter, place to live in for the ones I love. I'd do everything in my power to improve as many hearts as I could.
But who am I to decide what's right for someone else's heart? /:
I just want to make everyone I can, happy.
Because I know how bad people can hurt, and I don't want anyone to feel it.
Happy New Year.
Make it good.
<3 where's the darkness.
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