heyyy

so i'm on the computer and i have music going and i thought hey, lets blog.

so idk my weight. i'm so scared to look. :( bad numbers make me eat my feelings. haha
so i havent taken my sudafed since saturday. it's been 4 days. i'm going insane! i'm exaughsted. i'm nautious. i'm bitchy. omg.
i'm still running alot :) it's my stairway to heaven. like, idk. running gives me this feeling like the faster i go and the farther i get, the closer i am to something that much better than right now. and when i get really tired is when i love it most. like i'm this weak and i can push myself this hard. it feels like happy. only way i know how to explain it :) haha i'm amazed i can run for like ever. but it's like i'm about to bust into the gates of heaven even though i'm chillin' on the treadmill, still. i'm moving foward. :)

i just cleaned the house :D and my room! omg amazing on a weekday. AND i'm pretty much caught up on my school work. wooooow. i feel like i'm in the right place as of right now. aw and this cute cuddly teddy bear boy i mentioned a while back asked me out. but i said no cuz i'm not ready for a 'relationship' i can't hold but so much on my plate. i think i'll ask HIM out when i hit 135 :D haha as my reward, boyfriend. hahahah.

k so still avoiding rehab and hospitals.
still in the process of losing !! for sure. never giving up.
tryin' to balance this crap hole i'm in that i guess most people would call life..
<3

hey. real quick

so i'm in the middle of avoiding rehab and hospitals.

idk my weight.
been purging. alot. kind of.
i gained. i just know it.

going through slight withdrawl.
pain. headaches. puking. sweating.

will post again maybe in 2 weeks. if it's longer than that... idk.

stay strong beauties

wow. rehab AND a hospital?

SO A LOT HAS HAPPENED

my mom almost sent me to rehab. and a bulimic hospital.
i take a cold medicine everyday during the week so i don't have headaches in school and i can focus. i take SUDAFED. but i like it. it makes me feel high. and people use it to make crank. (crystal meth) and i sometimes take sleeping pills because they make you sleepless (which if that happens you're supposed to stop taking it and talk to your doctor) but w/e.
and my mom is just psychic and knows stuff sometimes. but i talked her out of both.
but i'm still at risk.
i've eaten completely normal for like 2 days and didn't take any pills today. SCREW IT.

idk my ugly numbers. fasting til i'm back to semi-normal ana-self again. :)

omFg. <3

so this week i've been... okay? actually pretty good cept for thursday. been alone :) the rents are in vegas, comin back today. ugh, i know.. i told yall i'd try to keep yall posted. but.. i lived down the hall for the week. it's getting cold and the rents bed s warmmmmmmm :)

so let me start by saying i woke up this morning at 137.0! whoa. i ate yesterday. like almost notmal. becuase a boy came over and spent the night.. omg. i'm not one to say "the L word" but i think i truly love him. he left a few hours ago :) and i STILL have butterflies. mmmmmm. and when he left we couldn't let go of each other. <3 ahhh. he held me all night when we slept and it was the most amazing thing, waking up to his scent. his face. his whole body. right there.

all i have on the brain is how much i love this boy. he's 19 and has a kid.. so he's a ball of trouble waiting to happen but whoaa. yall know Twilight right? edward cullen and bella swan? their situation is exactly what this feels like. he's trouble and has secrets and i'm pathetically falling all over myself for him. i've been so far in love with him for a year now... mmm. i want him. and i want him to want me back the way i want him.

so anyways, i'm in love.
and i'm 137.
and since i'm always so good on weekends.. i think i'll see 135 soon. i hopeeee.

stay strongggg<3!

tiny update :)

oh. k. canceled the date. and btw

THE NEVERENDING STORY IS GANGSTER.
watch it. love it. :)

these are turning into a weekly thing..

so i wana say sorry for not posting very much. like at all. but i'm still so in control :)
anyways, same status as last weekend. ..my last few days have been rough. but i'm 138.0 .. i had a little more than 100 calories yesterday and didn't run. i had a horrible stomach ache. but then again, when do i not? but i didn't go to school. so i pretty much watched Degrassi all day leading up to the new season premeire :D ahhh! hahah it was intense. and hilarious. for anyone who watches it, Sav is so funny in awkward situations... he makes a face and turns around and walks away. lmao he's cute. and peter, .. i knew he'd go crazy and do something like that. typical.

ah k so my mom's away at her gun range til tomorrow night and even then she won't force me to eat :) AND NEXT WEEK, TUESDAY THROUGH SATURDAY THEY'RE GOIN TO VEGAS! omg. perfect fasting oppertunity. and running whenever i want. and i'll be busy cuz i have to take care of the dogs, the house, my cat, homework, and making coffee for myself. flat out. that's all i'm gona do. i wana fast as long as i can while they're gone. and run my ass off. i want 130. no more than 50cal a day if i absolutely need it while i'm alone. yes. it's about to get intense. i'll try to keep my computer somewhere i can open it and post everyday.

alright anyways, today i plan to just run alot. my goal is 5 miles. :) yay
uh, i have a date tonight. no food will be involved, or if it is he won't think anything of it if i don't eat.. unless he hears my stomach grumble. if he asks questions.. and gets suspicious.. fml. i'm gona have him take me right home. it's called PERSONAL BUSINESS meaning someone you go on a first date with doesn't really have a right to jump into it. i'm testy with people now'a days.
oh. i adore this kid. he's hilarious and OMG sweet. i told him straight up it could take forever to get to me and break down my walls, he was like okay i'll do it. i've been wanting a boy like that :) .. and all of a sudden i don't want to go on this date. like at all. i like when it's just me and ana. idk if i explained to yall he's the cute funny black kid in my gym class but yeah lol that's my next victim.
i have this history of getting bored with boys, i guess, in a very short time. i want to be stunned. i want him to make me want to stay awake because reality is better than fantasy. but that wont happen, at least not for a long time.. if i keep dreaming of my baby boy and smelling his breath everytime i close my eyes. mmmmmmmm. miss him..

so 138. running today. date tonight.
barn tomorrow.
i think i can make it to 137 tomorrow, right?

..i'm almost wanting this bad enough to work out and go to school and pass out one day in gym.
idc if i fall into a coma. only because i dream of my baby boy and smell him half the time. i'd seriously put myself into a coma just to see him. i can't go to the hospital and tell them to put me in a coma for that reason though, it'd have to be for some health reason. ugh gay.
i really.. really reallyyy miss him.

yee-haw! :)

so yesterday. alot happened. sort of.

only ran 2 miles. i'm worn out from all this running lol i might not run today. i'm going to my barn :) i think i ate about 200 calories yesterday. wow. about 100 more than really allowed. but i burned about 250. and guess what? 137.4 .. hell to the yessssssss. progress. anyways, my mom and i talked about my stomach problems last night? i always have the worst stomach aches and i told her how the aloe pills are helping. alot. and she made me admit i had been purging again and to stop. i told her i only did it when i was really full and it hurt my stomach cuz it's so small. (because i never really ate alot in the first place so it's always been averagly tiny like hers). so this means i'm borderline screwed. if i show ANY signs of my past "food issues" i'm dead and my horse is gone and i can say goodbye to my dreams.
so this food thing isn't completely about weight. it IS but that's not the whole thing. anytime i get in a 'low zone', sad about something.. i just wana disappear. and my baby is gone. and i still dream about him. you could say i'm not completely myself. he's my reason to get so skinny i vanish but my other horse that's still by my side is the reason i'm not taking this to the extreme and fasting 20 days in a row. so i'm stuck in the middle. losing weight to the extreme but still eating semi normal.
but if it comes down to it, i'd stop counting calories in a heartbeat. i'd still exercise and still eat small portions just cuz that's how i eat anyways, but i'd walk away from ana to keep my baby boy and live my dreams. i'm not a quitter, i'm a mother and i'm ambitious with many goals.

oh my grades are doing a little better. they're A B C F. a-in gym. b-in spanish. c-in algebra 2.. i'm working on that.. and f-in chem. obviously. and i understand this shit it's just that there's complications with my dumbass teacher. :/

as for today/tonight.
i think i'm going to be forced dinner. so i'm sparing my calories all day. i can't even say no to dinner but i'm going to stay busy in my room and maybe run when i get home just in case... but i haven't showered like 3 days, lol.. so i'm gona have to take a long one. you know, shaving, hair washing, conditioning.. all that good womanly care lol. i'll try to avoid it at all costs. but i hate to shower before hand and still have to eat and not be able to purge if absolutely necessary. ugh. i'll work it out. i'm genius like that :) tiny bites, big gulps of water.

k so, 137.4 AND COUNTING DOWN :D
stay strong <3

great things. great thing.. :D

so me and my moms boyfriend have started a running competition. i think we're running all day today hahah. he'll give out after the 3rd and i'll keep runnin 2 at a time. but we're goin at it for the mile :) this is awesome.

and new low cal addiction: banana peppers. not spicy. delicious. 10 cal PER 20 RINGS! (if you get them in a jar) delicious. :)

and i feel like such an idiot for not realizing ahead of time that this aloe stuff would send things right through me. bye bye bloatinggggg. ..they're making me pee alot too which is weird. it's not supposed to help with liquids but it is for me since my whole digestive system is broken. 2-3 a day before bed clears you right out. and coffee and water all day and RUNNING... amazing things.

i'm 138. again. finally. and running all day today. not gona be forced food. or tomorrow. barn tomorrow too... life is sweeeeeeet.

be strong :)
stay strong <3
faith.

good things :)

longest and most annoying plateau of my life. idk how much i weigh. not going to til tmrw when i'm completely empty. i've nibbled maybe 70cal today and ran off 250 :) i'm loving this whole running thing. i think i'm gona hit up a running buddy

k so boys. lol
idr if i mentioned my parents going to vegas for a week and my dream boy staying the night one night. well now you know lol. ooomg yes. exactly what i need. butterflies over food.
OTHER THAN MY DREAM LOVER. there's this hilarious cute black kid in my gym class too. omg so funny. he always makes me freakin laugh. last time i dated a black guy it ended... horribly. but he's kinda mature and .. as always .. illegally older. lol. but i think this could work. he's super sweet too. and idk if this is all to get in my pants cuz i have that "black ass" even though it's shrunk about 7 sizes.. (wow still amazes me).. idk. i think it's my inner blackness too lol. oh, i am black too btw. lol. about 55%. my daddy's black and then some on my mommys side..

k anyways. food and weight.
i am so in control. AND I'M SUCH AN IDIOT. i used to have to eat aloe when i was younger cuz i had horrible bowel problems. well now my mom just buys me pills and i hate taking pills. it hurts and i always choke lol. but omfg i'm retatded. aloe helps things move out! omg. k so yeah i'm all about this aloe stuff now and my mom will never guess it's for weight. oooomg. yay!
and i've started running later. like at dinner time :) so i can run while she's cooking and shower while everyone eats and totally flush my food. omfg score.

love it.
hope my numbers are pretty
stay strong<3

better. not good. but better.

today. calorie count under 50. calorie burn over 250. :)

yesterdayyy.. stress pains so bad i crawled up the driveway in stress pains. i ate because i thought it would help? idk what i was thinking.

141 and hating it. and fixing it.

still on the whole mind set that i killed my baby boy.

WENT TO SCHOOL HIGH AS SHIT TODAY! fun stuff :) hahahaha.
sudafed tomorrow :D
ima lil druggie. haha

ugh fmlll.

storytime.

so last night i went to a movie with my mom, her bf, and my friend. my mom made me eat and i didn't even purge. i didn't even care. let me explain..

so my other horsie died. when someone you're close to dies, you go through crapy stages. the first is guilt. well idk what stage i'm at but guilt is flowing all through my veins. my other horse is a little fighter but if no other horse gets in his business he'll leave them alone. so there's one jerk horse in his pasture he absolutely hates and that horse won't leave him alone. they fight alot. my horse has a big ass boo boo on his leg and it's gross and swollen but he's okay. he's walking on it and he's still himself. nothing to worry about. so i put some medicine on it. before my lesson yesterday some lady was like "hey your horse has a puncture wound, did you know that? it looks bad. you should take care of that" ... wtf lady i know my horse he fights and he got kicked. he's obviously fine if he's walking and running around and still himself on the inside.
when she said that, i know that i do the best i can.. but i felt like the worst mom and horse owner alive. .. i killed my horse. there was SOMETHING i could have done. i know it. but i just let him go. he had the saddest look on his eyes when i got there to be by his side when he was sick. his eyes told me "mommy hold me. take the pain away. i never meant to be bad. i am who i am. mommy take the pain away and let me show you what i can do for you" he knew in his heart that we worked as hard as we did because we were supposed to go and do bigger things than ourselves. he wanted so badly to please me. and i let them put the killing needle in his neck. i had to be held back by my mom and only her because i wasn't going to beat her up too. kill my baby and mom in the same day? nah. i have night mares to this day of the exact scene. let me play it out for you

"morgan, there's nothing we can do. he can't even get up. let him know he was a fighter. be strong for him" says the vet.
"i'm so sorry baby" the mom says, crying from seeing her daughter in pain.
"i love you Big Man. you were everything and more that i could have ever asked for. your brother and i love you so much." says Morgan, dying on the inside.
"okay we have do to it now..." calmy says the vet.
"MOMMY NO! NO! MOMMY WE CAN SAVE HIM! NO MOMMY NO!" says Morgan being pulled back by her mom so she doesn't have to watch the killing needle do it's work.
"MORGAN NO! STOP! HE'S IN PAIN SWEETIE!" yells back mom.
"SO AM I!" screams morgan, barely able to speak because there's so many knots in her throat.
- the vet sticks him with the needle, looking into his eyes as they shout "save me" to her. not kill me.. but she does it.. -
Morgan runs back to her horse. looking into his eyes as he starts hurting and going numb at the same time. he falls asleep in her arms. They say goodbye and both of them die right there.

..i dream this scene every night. and it's finally hit me that.. i'm horrible.
...wana see what i killed? click here.

i've locked myself in my room.
139

i want to get to be so skinny now so there's nothing left of me.
i want nothing left so no one else can take it and hurt me

fasting til i die.
depression hurts my stomach enough to make me wana puke. i wont be eating.

bigggg newsssssss! :D good things!

OKAY OKAY BIG NEWS!

control:
it's all back. yesterday i ate about 130 calories worth right? ran 2 miles and totally got rid of 250. yes. and my stomach is so flat. and when i sit and lean forward, like, y'know how you have a roll? that "woman pouch"? it's like nonexistant! :D score. ahh i wish i could weigh myself.
i'm going to run at least 2 miles this morning and i think i'm riding today and then a movie tonight. and no one makes breakfast and we'll prolly just eat at the theater.. so i don't think i'm gona be forcecd or anything :) woo!

BOYS!:
so i've made it so that the cute cuddly boy is mine lol. as for my beautiful dream boy, that i've been crushin on for well over a year now.. is totally spending the night in 2 weeks! my parents are going to Vegas. HA! yeah. from next tuesday to saturday. friday night. party time :)

so i'm under control.
so i'm boy-satisfied.
so stay strong :)

<3

'bout time :)

holy crapppp. so i ate a bit last night and i felt like crap.
haha i slept til like 1pm. well i woke up to drink a gallon of coffee and fell back asleep lol. well i woke up again and ran a mile, cleaned the floors, made food for my friend, and ran another mile. the 2 peeps from last night are gone and my bff (bitch-friend) is comin over, i think..? idk. but yeahh

so i was scared this morning to weigh myself but after the coffee drained me and i ran 2 miles i thought i was safe... 138. i'm okay with that. 139 and i would have jumped off my house or gave birth to a farm animal, idk. i'da flipped a switch haha.

so i've had about 35cal and burned like 250.
i'm gettin' my control backk :) bout freakin time!

oh. btw. cute cuddly boy. mine. :) lol

strong, thin, pretty :) <3

lkhsdfiu ugh crappp

so last night with friends over i had a few pieces of pizza and we made cookies. so i had some... i had probably 4 gallons of water all together. no lie. so whatever i've gained, which idk what that is.. i mostly water weight. i hope. i can fast today because i think the parentals are going out and only one friend is going to be here today. maybe. next weekend i'm going to be alone. i think it's being with friends or people in general that ruins it. i can fast for a longggg time. it's people being around that ruins it. ugh. i feel like such crap. like, i almost don't even wanna run. oh but i'm gona take this seriously. more excuses to not eat.. i'm gonna tell my mom that with this running thing i need to eat really healthy so i can get this whole time thing down. but i cannot stop smoking. it's my sanctuary lol from food... ah.

running and sleeping today. riding tomorrow :) and running and sleeping mondayyyy, i hope.

i need to stay a good girl.
be stronggg <3

hellz yeh! 137

exactly what i needed to be strong for a good while. 137! number almost as good as i feel.
i had a cracker and nibbled on cheese when i got up from my nap today and then walked it off on the treadmill :)

few friends are coming over tonight but not getting bakeddd. feelin like i can do this :)

and as for them boys. i adore both of them. but the big cuddly one is the one i'm leanin towards. :D awwww. sweet kid.

ahhhhhhhhh. sweet sweet skinny.
i'm on my way
stay strong <3

whoa. busy busy.. fml 139

so i fasted fairly well on sunday :) then my mom cooked on monday night because it was her birthday and i couldn't not eat with her and her boyfriend. then yesterday i only had lunch and purged, ew. (k so what kind of school sells pizza with chicken on it?!)

i'm at a failing 139. wtf. i need 130.
oh i ate today but i caught myself. my mom made salty flour chips and i nibbled on one to try it and i kept nibbling for idk how long and purged. it turned out to be more than i thought

i've been running at least a mile every day. i've already ran 2 today. i hope that this running helps me lose faster and help kick my metabolism in the butt :)

aw k so about the boys: help me out here.
so there's this super sweet boy in my gym class. he's got a really good heart and he's just goofy :) but not the awkward goofy. and he's not hot, but like.. big teddy bear adorable :D and i'm killin for a boyfriend. oh and there's a cute kid on my bus in my chem class and i wana be like "hey lets stufy together" cuz he lives up my street but ... eh idk. this teddy bear guy in my gym class would be better to cuddle up next to and just fall asleep with :)) mmmmm. but he's like only a year older than me? idk. i like.. almost ilegally older guys. hehe.. but eh who knowsss....


k so fml.
i think i should eat like a normal human being for ONE DAY because i dangerously need to control my purging and intake. but i want it to be during the week so i can show my mom. i mean, she's not stalking me anymore but i can't show anything that can be suspicious. and i can't take stool softeners. but i'm scared out of my mind of my numbers being as ugly as i feel.
i tell myself i should for good reasons but i feel like i'm giving myself an excuse just to eat. i want to fast the day before i do though. so i effed it up for tomorrow. i'll fast the day before. eat normal. and then fast fast FAST.
when winter comes and i have my lisence i think it'll be less of a struggle because i can drive where ever, whenever and avoid food at all costs. i can stay at school or go to a different one and just run til i die or go to the barn which always burns plenty of calories. and i still don't know when my physical is.. but i'm going to continue to lose as much as possible with as much control as i can. i can stack up on clothes and water, whatever.

be strong loves <3

:'( awful.

alright. so i've been busy. and honestly i have the memory of a goldfish. i'd give yall legit updates but i can't. all i can say is i've been eating. and i'm terrified to weigh myself. oh but i'm sick again. haha yay? it's typical. oh and since i've been eating, i've been purging. and since i've been purging, alot, my top of my mouth is blistering. awesome right? awesomely painful. it's keeping me from eating though. it hurts like a motherrr.

i'm so disappointed in myself. i'm depressed. i won't be even remotely happy again til i'm 135. which i can make happen in a matter of a couple of days with fasting and running. i'm training myself to run 1.5miles in 8:30. i'm actually pretty darn good for an out of shape smoker lol. i plan to run everyday after school and weekends when people aren't home.

i think my weakness has been caused by being around people. i think i feel like i have to show them HARDCORE that i can feed myself and i don't have a "problem". my mom has totally hopped off my back now. i'm safe to do whatever. and being sick and "allergy season" makes me not hungry so she can't get too mad if i don't eat dinner with them a few times.

my moms birthday celebration is this weekend. out to dinner, family time.. stuff like that. but i'm excused because i'm sick and i've shown my mom enough 'self feeding'.

i wish i could be running right now. but i'd pass out. i'm surprised i've been awake long enough to type this. when i get sick, it's always extreme ahaha. ahh ugh. sucks but at the same time i always get a lot of sleep.

...today is my favorite kind of "lay around and pig out" day. cloudy, chilly, empty house. but my kitty is sad she hasn't seen me much this weekend.

i got so baked friday night. and as you can guess, the munchies took over. i remember cooking and thinking "HOLY CRAP THIS IS TAKING FOREVER" haha. but in reality it was like 2 minutes. hahaha. ahh but i purged alot. and my friends didn't even notice. it was great. and i went to a birthday party last night and i'm pretty sure i ate at leasttt a whole pizza. i kept getting away to purge. i'm so sneaky. i love people who don't notice anything. but i'm not going to eat for a while. i need to give my blisters a break. my poor body. i'm abusing the hell out of myself. it's so much better to just starve to death. which is what i'm going to do. well, i'm gona starve to skinnyness.

be strong loves.
stronger than i've been and as strong as i know i can be.
<3

ugh fml

so i wana say sorryyyyyyyy for not posting in a while. i've been.. busy. sleeping and homework..
so i've been empty since.. yesterday? yeah. still 138 too. eff that. and i'm effin' hungry. and failing chemistry. UGH i love the class but i hate the teacher. and i understand it but when he talks i don't get it. he needs to learn to shut the heck up.

ugh anyways.. been mad-ish lately. half because of grades, half because.. idk why. but it's annoying. ... :/

so this weekend is my mom's birthday.. i think we're going out to dinner... awesomeeeeeeee. ugh. mexican. one of my weaknesses..

oh, some bones are really sayin "hi" now :) mmm lovin the chest bone. LOVIN IT! hip bones are almost old news.

anyways. 138. ew.
stupid plateu.. or whatever..

ugh. k

short post:

@ my friend's house. ate yesterday :( empty now. can't weigh myself. riding today. fasting today through forever. ..bones still showing :)

some of yall think 138 is wrong according to my pictures. it's a black thing. i have so much muscle. it's mostly in my legs .. but yeah. 138's about right. ..oh if i get to about 125 i'll be underweight .. hmm. i think that's wrong.

i want 130. now.
fasting foreverrrrrrrrrrrrr.

<3 stay strong!

pictures. thinspiration?

this is what breaking 138 looks like. andd it's just not boney enough for me.

going to the bitch-friend's house soon...

i'm really weak and shaking. i hear cold water calling my name!

it's always hardest to fast there. but i feel strong today. i can do this.. i got this :)

PLUS i'm never forced to eat there. yayyy.

i love my hip bones. mmm. i love how they are the reasons my pants stay up, barely. :)

hope i'm thinspiring.

stay strong beauties <3

clean, pure. stress...

i'm feelin it today! it's a pretty day! perfect weather, the sun's out..happiness is all around me.

sadly i'm horribly stressed out.. :
my bones are less shy than before. y'all know that pretty little chest bone that likes to poke through when your skin gets tight? mine thinks it wants to say hello to the world. sadly, i can't let the world see it. at least, not a doctor or my mom. but.. hers shows?! why can't mine? .. because i'll be sent away for being beautiful. thin. empty. clean. perfect.
my grades are becoming a concern. with math it's always no problem though. i love math! i'm a genius.. but i failed my last test. it was little problems though. i didn't look close enough. and it's always the first bad grade that gets me moving in a class. so i'm not worried about it too much..
chemistry is a bitch. well, my teacher sucks. just the teacher. and i know i'm lazy in school but i get everything done and an A/B average. so my mom has to teach me chemistry.. yay. the fact that i'm not getting it right away is making me so mad! i always get stuff. it's always so easy. it hops right in my brain, but i understand that chemistry takes thinking and i like that.. i hate having to think to understand it though. i'll think for hours on a problem but i hate not having it click in my head..

anyways, i think i'm gonna post pictures of my bones later :) [hungry]heather requested.
i've been wanting to but i kept eating so i wasn't pretty or clean inside so i wasn't going to post nasty, dirty pictures of my bones. or bloated ones... ew.

haven't weighed myself this morning. everyone's still home. they'll be gone in a few hours. i'm living off coffee and cigarettes right now. hopefully all day..
i'm going to my bitch-friend's house later, test of strength, then we're going to see that new Tim Burton movie, 9! :D I LOVE TIM BURTON! yay

stay strong ladies!
<3 we're in this together.

omfg wtf fml

that boy never came over. typical. he always does some stupid shit to get himself grounded so we can't hang out. and he's the one who's always begging to hang out.. i fucking hate that shit. i'm pissed!
no food today. i made food cuz i was gona eat it because anger makes me want food for some reason..? but i flushed it. i'm still mad but i just feel sick now.. whatever fml

bitch-friend's house this weekend.. prolly gona eat the house down. gona try to stay strong.. :/ right now i almost don't care but i know that if i eat i'll feel even worse so ima just stay on the couch

plus my chem teacher is a dick and a bad teacher so my mom has to teach me everything and .. that class is just fucked up. today's a bad day. and i still feel like crap from being sick.

OH i'm like 138 on the dot today. hopefully if i can stay away from food tonight i'll be 137 tomorrow.. and that'll make me feel strong enough to not eat at my friend's house.. ima need alot of cigarettes to stay off the food. still on the plan to hardcore fast starting monday for sure. i will see 135. and 130. and 125. i'll get there...

stay strong <3

good days

soo i've been eating like almost a normal person for a few days and i think i'm done. tomorrow i'm hangin with a boy :/ (a boy that bothers me sometimes, but he's a great smoking buddy so perfect distraction from food) .. and i'm fasting tomorrow.
i think i got my mom far enough away to fast for about a week now :)

goo ol' 138 is back. idk for how long. maybe it'll creep away and 137 will say hello :D

everything's been okay i guess. when i start fasting the first 2 days are gonna be hardcore HARD because i've been eating so normally. starting monday i'm fasting hardcore. i'll do my best this weekend but if i'm asked to eat i'm not gona question it. have to keep the mom away

still sick. sucks.
stay strong <3

fml

fasted yesterday and up til i got home today. i was still 139 and i was FURIOUS. i kind of binged. eff my lifeeeeeeeee. fasting tomorrow. running a mile in gym. maybe friday i'll be 137. i want it so bad.

anyways, cute boys :D.. school.. riding. ..haha, lifee.

be strong. stronger than me.
<3

wow mom. really?

so being sick some of yall told me to lock my cat out. i can't. she owns me and my room lol. and her food and litterbox is in here.. and her dander is everywhere anyways, no use. and OMG i'm finally getting better.

anyways, YESTERDAYY.
being super sick i had to eat. and purged. (i seriously need to stop, i know. i hate it) and i wasn't gona eat dinner but my mom.. is a bitch. k so when i was done i went to the bathroom... to pee.. and she FOLLOWED ME AND LISTENED TO ME. she tried to play it like she was just conveniently by the door but wow i'm not stupid. i ended up purging in my room into a bottle. shee needs to hop off my ass like, real quick.

TODAYY
no food :) ugh til dinner.. who knows what my mom's gona do.

weight: 139. if i stay empty i think i can make 137 tomorrow.

sick. avoiding a hospital lock up.

i have to make this short because i don't know how long i can stay conscience.. anddd i'm araew my spelling is off lol

last night: snacked. purged. no laxatives? i don't remember. being sick is killing me now
today: snacked because i was about to pass out. threw up? NOT purged. (i'm just sick) then mom brought me pizza, ate it. made easy mac, ate it. purged. ( i was gona throw up anyway )

this morning i stepped on at 139 on the dot. later i stepped on at 138.4
being sick is wearing me out. i'm not so worried about being bloated or what i ate today. sleeping the rest of the day.

pretty sure i can fast tomorrow. doing homework and sleeping. i'm so sick... feels like there's bricks in my chest. it's hard to sleep in my room with my cat because i'm allergic and i stop breathing. same thing downstairs because that's where the dogs sleep. i'm suffering all around. and i don't take medicine because .. well idk. i guess i believe if this was brought to my body, my body can tough it out. RUNNING through this on tuesday at school is a different story. i have to eat so i don't faint in school though. even if i use the sick excuse i'll be sent away. for right now i'm focusing on maintaining and not letting the darkness take over me so i don't get locked up in a hospital.

i made it back to 138 in a day :) my body likes to lose as much as i do apparently. hakuna matata!

be strong <3

yeah ew

so i ate yesterday like a normal person? idk.. i think it was normal? at least, when i got home. my mom thinks i'm bulimic because when i do eat, i eat so much. which is true. .. ugh. i suck.

anyways, i'm 140 this morning. never again. i don't wana see that number EVER AGAIN. unacceptable. i'll try to fast today. ..shouldn't be so hard because i'm oh my death bed sick. i've been coughing so much my abs are in screaming pain. and my nose feels like it's giving birth? haha idk that's the only analogy i could think of, not that i know what giving birth is like lol.

so last night, my beautiful dream boy called me! i mean, he was getting high lol, but he still thought about me to the extent he felt the need to call me and tell me he misses me.. even though we see each other every morning in gym :) .. thank god he didn't see me weezing through the mile last week though lol. but yeah, that made me so happy. i wish i could have talked more, i was coughing so much and trying to breath in general.. he woke me up from finally getting to sleep. that's okay. i'd jump through fire for him.

i'd be crying my eyes out because i'm 140 if it weren't for him calling me last night. he just makes me so happy...

oh, haha while i was sleeping last night, i woke up spazzing. i had to breathe through my mouth because my nose is so backed up.. but my mouth was all dry and apparently my tongue wasn't.. so i touched my tongue to the top of my mouth and it got stuck hahahaha! ahhhh being sick always has some funny story to it with me :)

anyways, trying to fast today.. if i fast today i'm pretty sure i can get back to 138. always works that way.. and staying in bed most the time so i'll be doin' some commenting :) .. i know, it's rare. and i'm sorry.

love yall <3

food=evil

k so went out to dinner tonight to show my mom i can feed myself. i ate ALOT but i totally purged like, all of it. and i took laxatives AND stool softeners. i'm gonna be payin for that in about 4 hours.. (i took them at like 5pm)

i was 140 with my sins inside me. i pray tomorrow i'm at 138 again. my physical won't be 'til it gets cold outside so i'm just gona keep on losing and fasting.. and when my physical comes i'll drink alot of water and dress heavy :)

i wana cry and just fall off the earth. my stomach hurts so bad... too much food :(

fasting til.. whenever. i'm totally off the hook. i'm GOING TO BE 135! i just know it.

ps. this weekend. staying in bed. might not even ride on sunday... being sick sucksssssssss. being allergic to all my pets sucks twice as bad. and i just love how my cat sleeps really close to my face to make me stop breathing all the time. i love her but.. dang. lol

goodnight beauties <3
sweet skinny dreams.

steadyyy. ok go!

so i'm doin' alright keepin a steady 138 :) ... when it gets colder outside though i'ma drop like a rock!

ran the mile today. did horrible because i was weezing so much since i'm sick and almost hypervenelated.. wow. also stopped breathing last night because i'm allergic to my cat. she sleeps in my face when i'm sick on purpose... and her hyopallergenic shampoo helps but it's not a miracle worker

so i ate again today, not much really... but i purged. and i might as well eat tonight to show my mom i can. i really wish i knew when my physical was... but whatever. if it's when it's cold outside it won't matter if i'm too skinny.. maybe. unless the doc wants to see me nakeyy lol. idk. status is pretty much the same as yesterday... just.. now i'm sicker :/ oh well

stay strong ladiesss <3

typical. school always = sick.

so when i got home today.. i thought about how i can't lose too much weight before my physical and i still don't know when it is.. but yeah. and i need energy to run tomorrow because my tendonitis is killing me since it was all gross and cloudy today. oh, and my hair was falling out when i was straightening it. awesome. so i ate. i didn't plan to eat alot, but i did. i mean, i still purged every bit of it but i eventually stopped becuase it gets annoying after the 3rd time. so i hit up some laxatives / stool softeners. those will catch up with me later tonight...

so i'm sick. as usual. it's always during the school year i'm sick every other week. literally. i'm either always catching colds, the flu, or throwing up.. if i didn't have a lab to catch up on tomorrow in chemistry i'd totally stay home. but no school monday so i'll rest then. miiiight not go to the bitch-friend's house if i can't even get out of bed this weekend. thank god too, cuz i don't wana gain weight. i almost don't care about the physical anymore. the only thing that matters is what feedback i get from the scale. which, by the way, was 138 after eating for an hour.

anywaysssssss. not eating til prolly monday with the excuse that i'm sick and have no appetite :D and i honestly don't want to. i say this and usually get hungry and would eat anything in sight but really, with all the eating and purging i've done, my chest and rib cage want to collapse all together. whatever

cigarettes and coffee til sunday? maybe even monday. or tuesday. tuesday. because i'll run again and get too weak to walk. can't faint in school again...

be strong ladies :)

yeeuh

so i'm 137.8 .. better than nothing. considering i ate at lunch. like 5 chips and 2 peanut butter crackers. i was weak. but still. 137.8

i may or may not be forced into food tonight. depends when my mom gets home. and i have to clean but i'm lazy as mess. i get to run the mile in gym tomorrow :D and it's graded so if i do like around 8 minutes it an A. i'm gona sprint like the first lap, walk a little and jog the second lap, jog the third lap and try to sprint the 4th lap. i'm surprised cuz i could actually do this but i'm honestly really out of shape lol and smoking surely doesn't help. but that's okay. i want a good grade and i want to lose weight

speaking of losing.. i may need to stop for a while. i have a physical soon sorta.. and they're gona weigh me. everyone (being my mom and doctors) are gona wana send me away if i go back and i lost 10 lbs out of thin air. i just need to be careful :/ ugh. i wana be skinny though!

oh i think i'm getting sick. i guess i could use that as my excuse for not eating and losing weight. i'm only 5lbs lighter since i went last week. and i "eat salad at lunch" or so i fooled my mom into beleiving.. maybe i'm safe. i'll just take it slow. i might eat tomorrow.

oh this weekend, i might go through a binge phase. i'm goin' to my bitch-friend's house and her food always taunts me. idk why..

anywaysssss.
good day :)
next stop: 135.

138?! :)

so i had a bad lesson. i did hunter jumping, not the hardcore stuff. hunters is just line after line after line.. boring. the hardcore stuff is turn after turn after turn :D it's intense. but hunters is hard for me because it's broing and i hate it. so i did bad.

anyways, no food today. 138 when i got home..
yeah :) i'm gettin' there
maybe 10 more lbs and i'll eat normal for a day. ... i doubt i'll do it. just cuz that's how i am ...

stay strong ladies! <3

hakuna matata :)

hakuna matata is my life motto and has been since i was like .. 5. it has neverr let me down and i doubt it ever will :)

(um, if you're not in love with the lion king and don't know what that means, it's 'no worries for the rest of your days. the problem free philosophy)

so yesterday i ate a slice of ham and 2 crackers when my mom got home to show her i can feed myself. sorta. and i was stuck at 139 this morning. no food today though. goin' to the barn to ride soon :) yay. and no running today in gym. picture day.

so the lean cousine meals .. they're like no more than 300cal a piece. at least the good ones. they are in fact DELICIOUS. taste like they were made by pros! i love them. if you hate weight watchers then i suggest lean cousine. ..i hate weight watchers lol it's nastyyy.

anyways, i almost gave in today at lunch. i got that absent feeling where i leave my body and my body does something i don't want it to do.. it almost bought nasty, greasy pizza and ate it but instead i ran to the bathroom to smoke. ..haha people are so dumb. i was THE ONLY one in there and everyone was like "omg who smokes?" wooooooooow. one kid caught on though but that's because she smelled it on me last year when i had a smoke before class.

so today was a very happy day. this morning wasn't so hot but that was cuz i was stressing about classes and later in the day i realized i stressed over nothing and this year won't be as horrible as i thought. spanish(second period) is my homework period, where if i didn't do it the night before, this is the time to do it. and so is algebra2. and the teacher never checks our homework which is always a plus. ..i do it anyways because i actually wana know what i'm doing since i think i have to take pre cal next year? and chemistry all i have to do is stay awake.. which is hard lol. first preiod is gym so all i focus on in there is burning calories :)

good day.
stay strong :)
hakun matata
<3

dude yeah

so i don't hate my mom. i'm just mad she's stalkin' me like a hawk now. but i got away to purge so maybe she's not so worried because she knows i'm eating, sorta. i have to show her i can eat whatever i want whenever i want. because honestly, i do. the only time i'm hungry is in class. at home i drink coffee and smoke and i'm not hungry. but i got lean cuisine meals i'm going to eat in front of her this week sometime to show her i'm a big girl and i can feed myself. i actually am dying to have one. chicken alfredo :D my fave.

so this week we're running in gym tomorrow and thursday (actually every week..) :) AND i'm riding tomorrow. AND I'M 139 AGAIN. i think i'm a steady 140. i should keep it this way til i have a physical because i know i'm getting one soon but i just love losing! i can't stop. or, i can't stop trying. and i love being empty. it's become a passion. the awkward silences in class when my stomach grumbles is kinda funny too :) ah but i should be careful because i can't have my mom bein' all "are you eating? .. okay well are you throwing up afterwards?" and then BAM i'm in a hospital for .. forever.

picture day tomorrow! ahhh. wearin' my new size 6 hot red jeans (they're actually kinda big but the 4's don't like to fit my hips...), 34C bra and one of my mom's cute little shirts :) kudos to myself for results.

so y'know how you may keep people around in your life just cuz you hate to get rid of them even if they're not exactly your favorite person? well i've noticed i've got rid of a few of those people. i'm not bothering to make new friends. if they wana be friends with me that bad, then fine. and i'll talk to people but nothing "let's hang out" worthy. i'm usually such a heart warming social butterfly. i'm now just a cute little butterfly. yes. cute, little butterfly. i know i'm adorable and i use it to get everything i want from people hahaha. i'm not a bitch or a slut when i use my cuteness, i just get people to do me stuff. lol, i'm so lazy :) i'll be like "awww... well, *bat eyes*will you do this for me? i mean *giggle* it would mean alot to me" hahahaha.

anywaysssss. i'm 139. have to show my mom i can eat. fasting til i have to do that..
stay strong girls <3

ihateyoumom.

so i was doing great :) great lesson, great lack of food..
then dinner. there's no fighting with my mom, so i was just freakin' furious. livid. i shoved everything in my mouth. all of it. barely chewed. i was so full! it was 3/4 water though. i drink alot between bites. makes it easier to purge. so yeah. my mom think's she's all smart watchin me and forcing me to eat.. i freakin' purged. yeah. near 'bout silently, too. i'm just amazing. i'm devious and evil. i took it all in and pushed it all out. happy mom? HAPPY!? I ATE. NOW IT'S IN THE TOILET. i'm not eatin' til this weekend and that's only if i'm forced. i'm so mad i just wana stop eating forever and waste away. she's all suspicious. i talk to her about how it makes me uncomfortable for people to worry about my weight and she thinks it's because i'm hiding something.

okay, so she's right on top of it. i'm mad because she's right. this week i'm going to use studying and cleaning and showers as an excuse not to eat. we're running tuesday and thursday in gym and i don't care how far or for how long. i'm not eating. i don't need it. all the calories i put in my body this weekend, i should be okay for a month. even though i only kept in about 15% of those calories.. and even then the laxatives put them away.. that's still enough to tie me over.

i hate food
i hate being forced to eat
i hate not being hungry

today i was starving and i thought that i needed food. i felt like i was going to faint because i was hungry and hot (bad combo). well i reminded myself how mad i would be if i wasn't hungry so then i was shock full of energy. screw food. who needs it?

i'm strong.
and you girls are too.
<3

soo... yesterday...

so yesterday i went shopping! :D me and my mom's bf went all out. i got like 7 pairs of size 4 & 6 jeans (some 4s fit perfect but my hips are too big :( .. ) and a few cute shirts. and like 7 34C bras. i used to be a 34D but with all the weight i lost, my boobs are drifting away too. which i don't mind one bit. oh, and like every pair of jeans i tried on i swear i left blood in because the cuts on my hip were so torn up after shopping. they're on their way to recovery now, they'll be disappearing by tomorrow.

i was also forced to eat 3 times. COME ON. family lunch at this great pizza place. i got spinach dip, and purged in a public restroom. no one was in there, but still.. it's like against my rules. and again at dinner. at first my mom was like "okay whatever don't eat" and then i was gona go take a shower and my mom and her bf teamed up on me to eat. wow, okay. so i ate and purged in the shower. then my friend came over and we were watching tv, she wanted snacks. seriously? she just had dinner at her house too. omg. so i munched with her. i have horrible acid reflex and a disfunctional flap in my stomach so little bits kept coming back up :) but i didn't purge... i took some stool softeners and about 5am this morning they started kicking in.

today i'm going to the barn and riding. i have a lesson. my sunday lessons are always hardcore so i better be 138 by the time i get home today. then i have to study hardcore for spanish and finish up some algebra 2, yayyy. ugh. i love math but i suck at algebra. i never really learned algebra 1 because my teacher was like "oh this is easy, figure it out"... yeah k.

anyways, yesterday sucked foodwise but shopping was fun. i can't freakin' believe i fit in those size 4 jeans... wow. i still see myself as a fat, gross, piece of crap. i should be a size 50 or something...


stay strong ladies.

139?! =D

139 :) hell to the yeahhh.

i'm going bra, pants, and make up shopping todayyy! and jackets? haha. i love jackets :) i like the multi colored ones and the hardcore ones.. ones with like a scene of a sunny day on the back. lol ok ok.
so i slit my hips last night. and i forgot when i went to the bathroom this morning and it hurt like crap ripping my shorts off. i'm not doing that anymore. sorry Ana, i'm not. it's not me and i'm better than that. you're good to me and i love you, but no. i have limits. i think the only reason i did it last night was because i really do wana see my bones. but i'll never cut deep enough to find them. because i don't want to.

some of you are concerned? please don't worry. i'm not ever gona cut again. i have limits, i'm standing by them. especially this one..

anyways, it's gona be hard to not be forced to eat today. i'll take a huge breakfast to my room and hide it.. but while i'm out i just know my mom's boyfriend is gona be like "OH LETS EAT! morgan, eat." ..well he does kinda 'think' that i always have super small portions so i could get away with nothing, maybe. i can say i'll have leftovers when i get home? i'll take laxatives with me in case i need them. and i can always purge. it's weird in public but desperate times call for desperate measures..

ps. I KNOW PURGING IS BAD AND WRONG AND DOESN'T REALLY LET YOU PAY FOR YOUR SINS but since 7th grade it's gotten more and more intense. it's just a thing. i protect my teeth but not much i can do about my insides. and i don't always use my fingers, i often just push in on my stomach and lean over and POOF i'm empty. i heard that the pushing in on the stomach is a hard-core bulimic thing..
i've realized i'm really 'extreme' with some things. and i don't try to be, it's just part of my stubborn personality. it comes with the package and you can't throw it away.

be stong ladiesss! <3
i'm trying to be careful. when i get worried is when you can get worried. cuz i know when something is about to go bad wrong and i won't even care to stop myself.

bloody nightmares.

so.. i was watching thinspos. i was about to go to bed and i needed to see something to encourage good dreams. i saw ribs, hip bones, collar bones, spines...
ana whispered something to me i just could not believe.
"go find your bones. cut open your skin and find your bones."
whoa, girl. i almost wanted to say no because i quit that years ago. but i did it. i broke apart a razr and cut my hips. i didn't find my bones, but the blood ran down my sides. 2 slits on the left and 1 on the right. great. if they're obvious, how do i explain that to the girls in the locker room in gym? hopefully no one stares at my hips, but you never know.
i guess i can use these scars to remind myself what my goals are.

goodnight beauties.
shopping tomorrow :D
stay strong <3

140!!

so i'm getting skinny and everyone is noticing.

obviously from this post title, 140 is here. she's here and she's leaving shortly. with my wicked fasts, working out in gym, and riding in between, i'll be 135 in no time. when i looked at the scale i wasn't ecstatic but my eyes did bug out. 140 was a short term goal. in the long run, i just want beauty and bones to be screaming to get out. i'm getting there. 4 more lbs til i meet my mom. i have to wear my mom's pants cuz mine eat me alive they're so big :) i get to go shopping soon though. and my boobs got smaller. thank god. since 8th grade i've been thinking about a breast reduction surgery (no i'd prolly never get it done) but now i don't need it. Ana's taking care of that for me. she's so good to me. she let me be social today. it was nice to talk my lunch time away. not that i was hungry or anything..
ps. no food today. i'm tryin' to not eat til maybe wednesday next week if i'm weak after runnin a mile on tuesday in gym (cuz i know we will.. ugh)

so today i peed.. well i peed A LOT. for a long time. yall know how that is, right? it's like it never ends.. anyways! as i was peeing, i FELT myself shrinking. it felt so good to literally feel and see the progress.

i'm dying to get out of these 140's! ana help me <3

be strong ladies :)

oh my lanta. um, wow much?

so i ate. like, I ATE. alot. too much. but i purged. (i know, it's bad) and i got pretty much everything up because i got to the acid which is nastyyyyyy. anyways, i was 142 yesterday. and 142 when i went to the doctor today (i may have a urinary infection? idk..) and after i ate and had a few smokes, omg i was still 142? :) food was still a sin but it was life and an exit from the hospital ahead of time.. but still a sin. as well as purging. but 142 is 135 in the future.
135 is not my ultimate goal, but for now that's what i'm working on. and no set dates. i'd kill myself if i put these numbers on a calendar. anyways, i don't plan to eat again til next week. even if i'm dying on thursday when i'm runnin another mile in gym. :) strong.

i wana be the skinny! i will be skinny!
and the numbers will not determine that. even if i have to get to 10lbs, i'll be skinny
even though my mom says i'll never be a bean pole... whatever. i mean, the way my body is and how strong it'll prolly always be, she may be right but i'll be skinny. skinnier than her. and she's 136. tomorrow i better be 140 or less. hopefully

wow for fasting, and then eating, my weight is just in stand still or i'm burning so much in gym

be strong ladies :) <3

soo, new plan.

so i hate to let you guys down if that's what i'm doing, but i have to eat. i lost too much too fast andin gym we run at least a mile every tuesday AND thursday. i'm going to change the plans. i'm gona eat once a week if i really need it. and i do, today. i love that i was dizzy and weak today but not while i was running a mile. i sprinted half of it and jog/walked the rest. i weeze when i run and if i hear myself (not listening to music like i have to), i hypervenelate. and with nothing in my system at all, i'll faint and be sent to a hospital, and later sent to a mental hospital for ana.
..i'm doing this so i can stay out of a hospital and stay on my feet.

i hope i still encourage you girls. to be honest, i'm not even hungry.
what i do eat though, i will purge (that's just how i am. it's become a sin not to)
and i'll take laxatives.

i'm not gona risk gaining weight though. :) stayin' skinny!
ps. today i couldnt hit the scale but i'm pretty damn sure i'm 140. 146 3 days ago..
miracle, eh? :D

be storong ladies =]
love you all!

day 2, post 2.

so tonight i felt like i was going to faint and i couldn't get cold fast enough. i got really hot with an empty stomach which ultimately feels like i'm dying. so i got 3 crackers and took them to my room. i put them in my mouth and just spit them out. i felt amazing. i couldn't beleive i felt like i was dying and those 3 crackers were life or death.. and i just spit them out! so i did that with other foods i planed to make disappear for "dinner". english muffin w/ bologna and cheese, cookies, tiny dougnuts, chips.. i chewed (made certain i did not swallow!!), spit out, repeat, wash out mouth with water, repeat all steps. i don't know if i seeped any calories in but i didn't eat, well technechally i didn't swallow. and it was almost torture. i got colder and colder so i felt better and didn't need it but it surely made my mouth sore.
then i took a hot bath and felt the need for food to live again and now i'm working on being cold before bed so i can cuddle with my cat and fall into an empty, dark land where it just stops for a little while. sleeping, being unconsious, is my home. i feel best even though i don't feel anything at all and it holds me in some form of sanity.

so i can almost say Ana (or MiAna i could say, on account of my sinful purging skills) is my only friend. i have my school bff from last year and my bitch-friend (who is now less of a bitch). at lunch i sit with some kids and chat.. talk to cute boys and have fun sorta.. and i almost hate being with people now. Ana has me wrapped around her little finger. she won't let food in me or have friends. i guess she does it for my own good.
IT COULD ALSO BE that i'm hitting another stage of greif. my baby boy (my horse) just passed away... about 2 months ago.. and i STILL say goodnight to him every single night before i fall asleep. sometimes even before naps. i still cry myself to sleep. idk if it's the death or Ana changing me but i hope it changes or stops. i miss being a cute little sweetheart that everyone loved to be with and just giggled her head off at anything because happiness over powered her and there was no other way to get it out.

anyways, i'm not gona be doing the 'chewing and spitting' routine often. only when i think i'm dying. i'm safe, don't worry. it's only when i get hot i get that way. and i want no one to be jealous of my will power. it's both a blessing and a sin. i can do anything. i'm stubborn. i'd go to the limit and get myself killed with what i could make myself do. but i know the limits and i know how far i need to stay away form them.

be strong beauties :)
love you all. thanks for the encouragement.
i hope I am an enouragement <3

day 2!

so i lost 6 lbs last night! i'm back to 142 :) hell yeah. and that number didn't let me know it was okay to have 50 calories. that number told me to keep going!

so the fast is going fabulous. i guess i'm pretty motivated. but i don't think about food now. at all. even when i smell the fungus they call food in the school cafe. i don't have to tell myself no. i make food when i get home and flush it and i don't even smell it. maybe it's just easier now. i mean when i get home i have at least 2 cups of coffee and "too many" cigarettes because school is just too dang long lol. i try to keep myself awake. and i'm not all that weak. just in the morning. i just need to get some blood running to feel okay. no awesome light headed-ness yet though.
ps. i've gone like 20 days w/o food.. and fainted in school. but i wasn't drinking water or coffee or smoking or poppin' mints like i am now. this really seems to take the hunger and side effects away. i always have SOMETHING in me.

for those of you who think this may be too long or dangerous, it is to an extent. i'm not exercising though. cept for my one gym class but it's just a gym class.. we don't run til we drop like i would if i was on my own. and don't worry, i won't change my mind and work my brains out. it's too hot for me to leave the house and i hypervenelate on the treadmill cuz i'm not moving. and fasting is actually used as a way to cleanse the body and heal. it can heal your insides, you body will sort of "eat" things away, shit i don't remember all the facts of what it takes away but i remember reading about it and being like "oh that would help me". and i have tendonitis.. ha, i hope my body doesn't eat my tendons but maybe it could help. idk.

so my dream boy i see everyday in school now.. he won't STFU about my weight loss. everytime he sees me it's all "omg you're skinny" or "damn girl you thin" blah blah blah. it's reassuring but annoyingggg. it's okay. i let him. he's beautiful. :) lol

i hope i can motivate some of you girls :)
i don't recommend the long fasts like i'm about to get into now that school's here, but.. just work hard.
i can do it, you can do it.
stay strong ladies :)

OH almost forgot. my ribs, spine, hip, and shoulder bones are trying to escape my skinnn. my hips bones hold up my pants. woot. i'm gona start hiding my body soon. when it's less hot outside. i'm so off the hook it's not even funny.

oh yeah. day 1

so no one is here to force me to cook or eat tonight. i've decided to fast for 15 days :D hell yeah
and at school people were like "oh my! you lost weight!" and i have first period in gym but my class combines with another for sports which has my dream boy in it. ...lame school girl crush for a whole year and he's still interested, i think :) he even said i look smaller. yayy! oh and my mom finally gave me permission to rade her closet. ha. sweet. her clothes make me look smaller but i think i'm gona wear my jeans tomorrow cuz our school is so damn cold! omg! it's like winter in there.

anyways, wish me luck, i'll keep you posted. i'm gona be busy doing alot of sleeping and smoking when i get home for at least a week or two. i'm not used to this. sleepoholics need to sleep, lol. i had to have coffee when i got home to not fall over hehe.

love you girls, thanks for the sweet comments :)

no. no no no.

i was going so well! i didn't even tant to eat and my mom asked me to make dinner so i was like okay? and i made that chicken dip and she made me eat with her and her boyfriend. so i ate enough so that when i purged it would explode out of me, and .. i purged. it's hard to get chicken up... wow. ow. laxatives. oh god. why?

no food the rest of the week. no allowed. i'm ruined :(

back to school!

what do you think of my size 4 jeans and MEDIUM little peoples shirts? my "first day of school" outfit :)

...all of the above came from my mother's closet lol. she dresses like me :D it's cute lol

whoa... like whoa.. =O

oh my god.
146lbs.
still fit in size 4 jeans.

i wasn't gona look at the scale til tomorrow but. wow. i only gained 2 lbs?! after all i ate?! whoaaaaa. :) so i'm totally fasting to get back to 143. then 140. then 135. :)

strongggg.

so today is a new day with an ugly number, i just don't know what it is . i'm not looking at the scale 'til tomorrow after school. and by then my pretty pink insides will be pure and empty of anything.

i AM fsting today. i WILL fast tomorrow.

i'm not looking at the scale 'til tomorrow. i'm not allowing myself to until i fast for a whole freakin' day. and that day will be today! i'm devoted and commited to this. and i'm totally in the clear, no one is suspecting anything except my brothers friend... but that doesn't matter.. so i'm safe to do anything. i'm safe to run 7678 miles and not eating dinner for 3 days. and my mom won't be home for a few days so she can't say anything.. and her boyfriend is working like every night she's gone.. everything is all layed out for me.

well i'm back. for good. continuous blogging :) and commenting! i need to catch up on all you strong ladies.

oh, today..
i have to HARDCORE clean the house lol. thank god, it'll keep me busy. and if i speed through that i can always hit the treadmill. or i can run in peace because the sun's not out today :) i also have to clean MY room and take care of my kitty :) my precious. i got her a bunch of kitty stuff lol. a prettier collar, a charm that says "PRECIOUS" (awwww), and special allergenic shampoo because i'm allergic to her and when i'm sick she likes to make me stop breathing with her dander in my face lol. ..yeah. and i need a lot of sleep and i have to ice my body. tendonitis sucks. so yeah, just no food :) busy busy.

i'll let y'all know how strong i was :) i know i will be

ew ew eww.

hey! so my fasting failed. it's like everytime i'm at my bitch-friend's house.. the food has to go inside me. ugh. and i'm not touching the scale til.. maybe tomorrow. i'm gona go to bed hungry though

wow. i'm furious. i hate my life. i'm disgusting. kill me.

i need to be beautiful for school! which starts in 2 days... :/

boo you whore.

hey guys! camp's over! and my body wants to give up and be burried. yayyy...

anyways, laxatives have torn apart my insides, away with those! ughh ow much? i'm at 145, or i was yesterday with a bunch of food inside me. the laxatives did their dirty work and i should be lower but i'ma try not to weigh myself til tomorrow morning. i;m sick, gross, hot, and sore. i'm just fasting til school starts. tuesday. then i get to ride again and i'll drop like a sac of potatoes! so tuesday .. or wednesday morning/night i shoulddddddd be around my little 140 self again.

so my bitch-friend is over for the weekend cuz my parents aren't home. last night we had a bunch of boys over. like 5 boys and us 2 girls. ..you could say it was fun :D but being with her makes it hard to not eat. her and food is like ..ugh. she always has to be eating. ...i gota be strong.
i'm flushing all our decent food. well, some. to make her think i ate. gota have something to dispose of when my parents get back so they think i ate.

oh i made this AMAZING chicken dip stuff lol. i'd love to let yall know how to make it BUT .. that could cause damage. if you really want it for a special planned binge or a 'normal day of eating', then e-mail me. it's simple and just flat out fabulous!

today - tuesday. fasting. if i break this fast, i am dirty trash. i need to look good for school. make everyone jealous. i wana make everyone go, "oh my gosh! you lost weight!"

i'm gross. i'm nasty.
i'm fasting. i'm strong.
:(

ugh.. come on!

so i promise to get back to regular blogging and details on stuff saturday.. but i don't have the time or energy to do that this week so here...

yesterday (wednesday) - kind of weak. purged. laxatives.
today - couldn't help myself. purged. laxatives.
tomorrow - OH SWEET JESUS I NEED TO STOP EATING

i think my problem is being around people and food at the same time. it's all just there and perfect. but when i'm home alone or on my own somewhere like at school i'm fine. starting tuesday i could go weeks without eating. school helps.
i'm scared to weigh myself. but i did eventually get to 141 :) oh and i did have grilled cheese.

anyways, i just woke from a nap. my knees, ankles, and butt hurts like SHIT. camp is killing me. tomorrow is gona be the hardest. OH i get my hair died again :D bright ass red in the back. hell yeah. i kinda can't wait for school to start. easier to stop eating andd i like making myself pretty. i give up during the summer lol, no reason to put make up on if the only place i go to is the barn and my bed.

anyways, wish me luck for tomorrow and i'll totally be back to blogging like a true blogger saturday or sunday. i think i'm gona sleep all saturday. my body hurts so bad.

be strong.
love you girls :)

lots to tell.

sorry i haven't posted in a bit.. i been at horsey camp. don't hate me.

sunday: fasted super awesomely.
monday: got home, think i ate something? and don't remember.. didn't gain.
tuesday: grilled cheese @ little bag of chips :( but got sick from the sun anyway... :) and took laxatives just for safety

just to keep yall posted.

OH and my brother left today for maryland. his new home. but before he left.. i knew he noticed my weight loss and seemed concerned but didn't say anything to me about it. he told his bff. who told my mom. big brother thinks i'm bulimic. hahahahah! he's kind of almost right. in a way. and my mom told him there's nothing to worry about :) OH MY GOD if i didn't smoke and if my mom didn't know about it then i'd be so screwed! so smoking is kind of keeping my mom from sending me to an Ana Hospital to live in forever. sweeeeeeet.

alls well. NOT WEIGHING MYSELF TIL FRIDAY. ahh i'm anxious. dyinggg to know how little that number must be. my bones are more and more visible everyday! and whatever i've eaten this week.. i'm not so concerned cuz i'm burning so much of it off at horse camp. it's almost like food isn't a sin this week. almost. it is.. but it doesn't show as much.

yay for visible ribs, hip, chest, and shoulder bones! :)

stay strong my beauties.
i should be back to normal posting&commenting this weekend or next week.
miss & love yall :)

ok, great news!

first things first, i'm freaking 142.2 WITH my clothes on. i usually weigh myself naked... so i might be more like 142 on the dot. :)

okay and - (starts off bad, gets better)...
my riding trainer has noticed my weight loss and she's "concerned". she told me she thinks i stopped eating like a month ago. (wrong) She also said i'm gona start losing my boobs. i don't mind because they're always in the way anyways lol. so my mom talked to me about my weight too. and she told me that she also talked to my trainer. she told me that she told my trainer that i'm getting skinny because i drink so much coffee, smoke, and sleep.. and my appetite is just crap now because of it and i like to be active and fit. and i was kinda big a few years back and i just don't wana be like that anymore. so everyone's off my back!
but at camp i'm going to have to pretend to eat so my trainer doesn't say more crap and talk to my mom.. ugh. or i'll just hide food.. or say i feel sick. which is common. my stomach is always turning into knots.

so yeah. i made it to 142 like i wanted. and after camp ALL THIS WEEK.. i just might be down to near 135. i'll reward myself with a little grilled cheese then :) yay!

thanks for your support, i prolly won't blog again til later this week. i'll try to keep you guys posted :)

thank you
love you
stay strong!
:D

activity: ran 2 miles. (took a few walking breaks)
food: no more than 60cal.

um, later i might do some crunches? if i'm not 142 tomorrow, i'm going to cryyyyyyy. i weighed myself today, 143 on the dot.

after my run today, i took a nap and when i woke up, my whole body hurt. and y'know the dizziness you get when you're really hungry? well i had that times like 9876546789! then i drank some water, i was a little better. i think the 4 cups of coffee i had this morning drained me completely.

anyway, i was gona try to fast.. but.. idk. it's not that i was weak.. i think i'm going to the barn tomorrow so i need some sort of something in me even if it's all gona be gone by morning?.. lol.

OH i think i'm going to advanced horse camp next week. might not be bloggin' much. past tomorrow. i'm gona HARDCORE fast after tomorrow for sure. i'll do my best for tomorrow but for sure starting monday.

oh, ps. size 4?

OH one more thing.. I tried my mom's SIZE 4 jeans on yesterday..
they fit.

k my hips are a little wide.. BUT HOLY SHIT, REALLY!?! size 4? :)
my goal as of right now is to fit into them. the right way. make my hips disappear. let my beautiful hip bones under there show.

ugh today. FAT

I wana say sorry for not really getting around to comment on alot of you guys' blogs. I do get the time to blog but as for anything beyond that, I usually close my computer and fall asleep. I know, I sleep "too much".. and I don't know if it's a condition or not. I know it's not epilepsy or whatever.. 'cause I hardley sleep at night.
And I wana say THANK YOU to all my new follorwes, yay! :D To be honest, I never thought I'd have so many people interested.

Anyway, I don't think I'm weighing myself today. First of all, because I feel fat this morning. Second of all, my brother's boyfriend is in the room which my mother keeps the scale.. (not "boyfriend", they don't go out.. they're just BFF's and I just call him his boyfriend) I did okay yesterday. I had no more than 120cal. I ate.. 50cal of soup. dried apricot(10cal), cracker(11cal), bite of sliced peaches(like..4cal?), pickles(10cal), piece of chocolate :( (20cal) .. I think that's it. That was WAY too much for me. I shouldn't have treated myself like that to food. I want 140 worse than food. :/

Today ima try to fast. and if I'm weak, I'll keep it around 50cal. UGH
ps. yeah, that's me in the pic of my horse jumping :) (i don't share him, at all. idc if i'm selfish, but we're all each other have left.. plus he doesn't really like people. or other horses lol. he's the bully)

so..

today i've had a pickle and 50cal of this yummy soup i found, lol. i raded my pantry and OMG we have so many yummy soups! and such low calories! :) low cal yummyness makes me happyyy.

okay so this morning i was like 143.8 or whatever. i just woke up from my nap and felt.. smaller. I weighed in at 143.2, barely. the scale took a minute to decide 143.2 and 143 flat :) I think i can get to 142 by tomorrow morning. when i hit 140, i'm TOTALLY treating myself with grilled cheese.

i'm also pretty proud of myself, i've been kinda strong lately. i haven't binged or purged in days and haven't even had to touch the laxatives. which is fabulous because i was almost scared i'd depend on them for a little while..

SO some of you ask about the barn? hahaha alright sorry for not explaining. i have a horse and i'm a jumper. i'm tryin' to get into the big stuff. and recently one of my horses passed away, he was the bigger, stronger one who jumped higher.. so i'm kinda on break as far as intensity goes, but i still jump my other horse, who's a quarter horse btw. when i go to the barn i ride and take care of my horse, (his name is Romeo by the way :) i'll post a pic of him for yall), i'll bathe him and trim up his hair.. all the simple stuff.

this is Romeo :) this.. is the reason i go to "the barn" so much, or try to. and he's my #1 priority

143!

So last night I went downstairs looking for something to munch on.. I wanted to shove everything in my mouth! Not out of hunger, more so because everything just looked good. But I only had a cracker :) Then I did about 600 crunches before bed. Then another 200 in the middle of the night because I just happen to always wake up in the middle of the night. Yeah, annoying.

Guess what secret the scale told me today? 143. I knew I could do it. I just gota work twice as hard now and eat maybe half as much. I can get 140!

Anyways, I've had people telling me it's stupid to start smoking to lose weight. And .. I agree. But I started months ago, before my weight was a big concern. I don't remember how I did either.. but I wasn't with friends, I know that .. And all I said was I heard that smoking could boost the fat burning gene, idk if it does but "studies show" or whatever. I had planned on quitting about a month ago, then I took control of my weight and I'm using smoking to sort of stay away from food.

SO TODAY:
I think my friend's mom is taking us to the barn and we're going back to her place? :/ I'm living on the treadmill (as soon as everyone leaves the house) 'til I get picked up. If I get to 500cal before someone gets here I'll do as many crunches as I can.
..It's gonna be so hard to look away from food at her house. Especially since everytime I'm in front of her mom, I eat like a starving pig. But I want 140 worse than ever now. I can be strong. :)

great day... bad day...

So I'm going to the barn tomorrow, not to work. And I'm spending the night at my bitch-friend's house. The one who's house I ALWAYS pig out at... Yeah, that one. I'll be armed with laxatives, but I'll try to stick to pickles and jalapinos. Maybe crackers. I have to be 140. Sunday. I'm not letting good food suck me down. Omg I'ma have to be Superman strong.

Anyway, I had my pickles and jalapino dinner :) GOSH It's yummy and filling. I'll prolly do about a million crunches in the middle of the night. - Can't have my mom or brother walkin' in.. - Oh, I did have a taste of Kool-aid. 10cal tops.
My mom also made pizza. Guess what? I wanted it. I wanted to shove it all in my mouth and swallow hard! Guess what I did? I shoved it in my mouth. A big honkin' bite. Half a whole piece. ..Then I spit it out :) That's how strong I've been today. Yeah.

Prolly gona crash for a few hours. Smoke a few. Do a billion crunches. Barn tomorrow.
Wish me luck :( I'll let yall know how it went... ohhhh boy.

hell yeah!

SO I'M A LITTLE BIT KIND OF EXCITED -
So I woke up from my nap all hungry, stomach growling. I went downstairs looking for the lowest calorie snack I could. I was craving tomatoe sauce(omg yum, love it) which would have only been 35cal(?) per 1/4cup. eh, I can do better and I don't wana make my mom think I'm weird for eating sause, lol. So I saw pickles. I usually don't like them, I remember hating them when I was younger. 5cal per 2 pickles? Well... I had 3. That's 6.5cal of crunchy yumm-ness. :)

My total for the day has been 46.5cal. HELL YES!
I'll prolly stick to pickles &/or jalapinos for dinner. That would be no more than 70 calories today.
I'm fucking awesome.

I can do it, y'all can do it :)
STAY STRONG GIRLS, YOU CAN.

ps. if i'm not 143 tomorrow morning, i'm going to fucking hang myself and i'll see to it that it's all over the fucking news. i'm working this damn hard and starving myself, i fucking deserve 142! yeah. 142.

pps. k i won't do that, lol. but if i'm not 143, my life is over. i'll have lost all faith.

freaking fabulous

So I don't wana jinx anything, so I'm not judging how I've done today. One cracker thing from the peanut butter crackers pack thing? 30 cal. Few jalapinos. 5 cal (give or take). 400 cal burned on the treadmill. I hope to do some crunches eventually, but we'll see.


Still 144. :/





Tomorrow I plan to be 143.





I have recently learned that smoking could boost the fat burning gene in your body to burn faster. This info excites me, haha. And calcium helps too, but I'm not sure how or anything. I've started taking calcium to lose faster and smoking.. well that's the same haha. Like, 10 a day or so. And the jalapinos are to clean my insides and boost my metabolism :)





So I have this fabulous ana buddy I've failed to mention. We've been texting for a little bit now and I just want to say she's amazing. She just so happens to be heather[hunger] :) She's inspired me and kept me afoot during tough times. I wana throw out a public 'thank you' to her and let you all know she's just freaking awesome. We're also currently racing to get to a goal by Sunday. It's pretty intense, lol. We're gona do our best.





I think I'm gonna go do some crunches and take sleeping pills to nap and stay napping to avoid food. I might have jalapinos before bed but I'll try not to. They're practically harmless. ..'Cept if you can't handle the burnnn. haha :)





Stay stong, beauties!


We're all in this together <3

ps. I will get those hips.

and belly.

and thighs.

todayy..

So for all of you who commented saying jalapinos are stupid hot, I will agree, lol. I love them though! Very yummy, but hot. And worth it. but for them to take away hunger, it only worked for me, idk if it would work for everyone.. but it's worth a shot. And yeah, habaneros are hot shit too, hahaha. OH and for spicy food, water makes the burn worse. Milk products take it away, like milk or chocolate.

Anyways, all I've had today is a piece of toast with jalapinos :) and 2 slices of ham. That's like barely 100 calories. Damnit, I will meet 140. I need to work out more. I'll get there. I know it :)

want hunger away? i suggest...

SERIOUSLY. I SUGGEST JALAPINOS! like, omg. i had a few last night and my hunger has completely subsided! besides, it speeds up your metabolism :) and spicy food is good for the lining of your intestines. it's healthy and helps!

anyways, yeah. barn today. can't weigh myself this morning because my mom's in the house and i can't have her know. BUT I think i lost a pound? my hip bones are more visible! yayyy.

stay strong girls.
eat them jalapinos :)

shit. OW hahaha :)

So I had like a small handfull of jalapinos. Hahahahahah OWW! Hot shit! But so yummy. I love spicy food! That was like 8 calories so I'm safe for the crackers I'm currently eating. I'm having 4 instead of 3 because I freaking deserve it and I can get by with no food tomorrow. (like.. no more than 1150 calories today, I had to be real careful though 'cause I didn't work out at all) I got by today, tomorrow will be easier. Besides, I'm going to the barn. Plenty of burning going on there.

I want to thank everyone for their inspiration and support. I love you all. :)
Keep up the good work girls! :D

haha alright?

so my brother left me at home. no shock there, i've been left so many places, lol. i just had 45calories of corn flakes and i guess for dinner, i might have 3 crackers? that's under 100 calories. tomorrow i think i can fast completely. i think my period is gone? (it can never make up it's mind) so i'm still 144 but i'll see to it that the scale tells me 140 :) .. then 135. then 130. then 0! .. k not 0 but you get my point.

i'm not walking/running today. i'm staying in bed, mostly. i'm so tired becuase i can't sleep. not insomnia, my nightmares are waking me up. that's not normal 'cause i usually just sleep it out and move on, but they're so unbelievable now that it scares me and i'm waking up crying. it's not exactly the scary stuff waking me up, i've seen it all, but it's who's in them that gets me worked up.

ps. 'argument' last night. i was talking to my mom about this boy i like BUT I KNOW I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH SO I ONLY TALK TO HIM, BUT STILL LIKE HIM BUT THAT'S ALL.. and her boyfriend got all in my business and was furious 'cause he's like 4 years older than me and told my brother. didn't go well. alot of yelling. so i ignored it, walked away, and went to bed. yay... i hate boys. at least the ones in my house. ugh

1st off, thanks :)

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their kind words and support :) I really appreciate it.

So .. today is a new day. I'm starting off clean and pure. I just need to keep it that way. Tomorrow will be no problem, though.

My laxatives from last night STILL hurt but, whateves. It's worth it and I deserve to pay for my sins.

Today I am Clean. Pure. Empty.

OKAY SO

I ate mac and cheese. My immortal weakness. Thanks to my moms boyfriend... ugh. But I purged and took laxatives. Oh I had cheesecake too. ..Not that much but .. I'm weak :/

I'M FASTING TOMORROW AND WEDNESDAY. I'm so stupid hungry 'cause of my period. It's taking over me. Thank god I only get it every 3 months :)

Next stop.. 140. I will get there!

Work tomorrow. Fasting.
Barn Wednesday. Fasting.
... I can't plan past that. oh jeez.....

ehh. food..

So I've been good about food today. No more than 200 calories I think.. I went to work with my mom. I stayed busy. I got home and had a cheese stick though. At the office I had like 5 crackers. If I don't eat the rest of the day I'm good. I can so do it. No problem. And I'll work everything off tomorrow becuase I get to go to the barn :)

I can't eat tonight. I can't. I won't. I should go for a walk... ugh I dunno. I'm so lazy. And it's stupid hot outside! .. I might walk. I should.. Okay. I will.

...I'm gona sweat to death.

WOOOOOW!

So, some ana-God is watching over me, helping me out. I ate my house down last night and I'm still 144. Laxatives are one of god's greatest creations. :)

SO.. haha, today I actually can be strong. I miss being hungry. Worst thing about last night though was I wasn't even hungry. I just like food. Oh, adn I got so full, I just threw up. Haha, My stomach couldn't hold it all. And after I threw up about 10lbs of food, I was still really full. I can't do this anymore though.
Today I am strong. No problem. Today I have control. Easy.
Today I am going to my mom's office with my brother. Okay. Today I think I'm gona be forced to eat. Not cool.
I think I can use the "don't feel good" excuse. It's been about a week since I threw that one at my mom. And she knew I ate half the house. I'm so in the clear :)

HOLY CRAP I'm starting to like the number 144. But I'm moving out of it's safety house. I'm gonna meet it's neighbor, 143 :)

i'm ruined

I went to the barn today and rode hardcore. Then I went for like a half mile walk. Good work, but I got super over heated. Ow


Then I got home and my mom made some beef pastry thing for her boyfriend and me and my brother scorfed it all down! I had a ton of water in between each bite so I could dispose of it in the shower but it was hard to get it all up. I got most of it, I think. Then I took some laxatives. 2. And I had a piece of cheesecake.





I pray to god that was worth it because I worked so hard today and I just ruined it. I think I have to go to work with my mom tomorrow and she'll totally force me to eat. I've actually been a steady 144 today. I usually get back to 145 by night time if I'm 144 in the morning, just becuase my period and the scale are working together to ruin my life.





I love hunger! I want it back! I have control. But, I had to control my mom's thoughts about me eating like a normal person.

THIS IS WHERE I NEED TO BE!

I want those legs :(

I'm freaking BLESSED

So I'm 144 this morning. I don't get it. I must be blessed. I'm not complaining! Just saying.. doesn't make sense. It was prolly cuz of those laxatives (which I paid for @ 2am) and my crazy activeness yesterday. THANK GOD.

So I'm going to the barn today. Always good work :) and since I'm not obese today, I might not run cross country or jump. I'll prolly go on a run/walk to a pretty pond. I need to relax and running/walking helps me chill.

I think my mom's making special dinner tonight. OH COME ON! I don't really feel well right now and being in the sun today isn't the best 'cure' so I'll probablly stay in bed or the shower when she makes food. I don't want to eat today. At all. I think I can start losing tomorrow when my period dies. Then 3 more months of losing! :D

This is getting complicated. Going to my friend's house or going to work with my mom will be all "eat this, eat that". I need school to start. ..Ugh school...

the enemy is taking over

Party was nice. A boy I liked was there. Yum :)

Food @ party: few bites of this amazing chicken dip! .. and like 4 brownies. ..Enemy Food is taking over my mind.
..wow okay it seems like alot less when I type it but it feels like a crap ton! :(

Tomorrow I'm going to the barn. I have to walk to my horse which is like .. a long way lol. And when I'm done riding I plan to run the cross country course.. wow. K, so cross country for people and horses is different. For horses, it's more extreme. Everything is emphasized because they're just bigger and more powerful. Plus jumps. .. I jump horse jumps for fun lol it's just the hills and miles of the course that are going to kill me.

Tomorrow:
I am strong. I have control. I will say no. I will burn calories!

Should be back to losing in 2 days or so..? Next stop, 140.
..seems so far away

everything's workinnnn

All I've had is 3 crackers, a bite of cheese, and a bite of key lime pie. Because I deserved it. And I know I'm not going anywhere away from 145 so I'm just focusing on maintaining right now.

Party later. Don't wana go. Stupid bitch. Screw my life. But.. I get to leave early :) yayyyyyyyyy!

ps. hiding and throwing away food is keeping my mom off my ass, but her and her boyfriend are lost as to why I'm working out so much. Excuse: "haven't been to the barn as much so I need to do something to keep my legs alive" - perfect :)

I'm really making this work. As soon as my period decides to go away, back to losing. Right now, 145 and I'm okay with that.

OH, yeah I took that 3(or more) mile walk this morning. Felt goooooooood. like 700 calories right there! hell yeah.

better daysss.

So yesterday I walked off 400 calories on the treadmill and only ate not even a whole half of a piece of bread (30cal) and half a cheesestick? (?? cal). And I went to a Cheap Trick, Poison, and Def Leppard concert last night! YES! :) Something about 80's hair and a man in a cowboy hat that makes me all excited. lmao jk jk

So today I'm forced to go to a bitch's sweet 16. My bitch-friend. My mom won't let me not go... Anyways, there's going to be great foooood and all that nonsense.. But it's also a pool party so I plan on staying there most of the time. Great way to work out too, btw :) . Before I go I AM going to walk the 3(or more) mile stretch around the area my house is.. Run/walk. If my tendonitous isn't killing me after so much standing last night.

I been throwin' away food and feedin it to the dogs and our weird cat who eats everything (lol) to make it look like I'm eating alot. My mom is less concerned but I think she's dying to see me eat :( damnit. So at the party I might have to take laxatives orr.. throw away some food! Aint bought with my mama's money so I feel less bad :) So I'm sticking to my 'no food' policy and I'll tough this baby out! TIPS ARE ALWAYS HELPFUL THOUGH!

I feel the strength today. No even gonna bother to weigh myself though.

..Stupid period.

haha wow. discovery?

I think I know why I'm stuck at 145. It's 'cause I'm a girl. And I have a uterus. And I'm on my period. ..At least I can hope that's why. WOW. So I'm relieved. And not as mad at myself anymore. I'm not eating, like at all. And I'm working out. It has to be my period. Makes perfect sense.





So I'm going to continue to not eat and work out, at least a little. Makes me mad not getting results but it's still good for me. I just got done burning 200 calories and cleaning the whole house. (AGAIN) .. I think I'm going to my mom's office later today, may be forced to eat because we're going to a concert tonight and don't expect to get dinner.. But I can always lie or flush the food down the toilet, or hide it, or take laxatives. Laxatives are my last resort now. They hurt and I can't let myself rely on them.





Because of the way my birth control works, I should be back on track within a week or so. I feel like an idiot I didn't think of this sooner.. haha, wooow. I'm a little relieved. But mad I'm not losing weight and I'm a bit bloated. Ew

Staying strong. Thinking thin.

bitch yes

So all I've had today is 3 crackers. My mom nagged me about dinner so I took it upstairs when she wasn't looksing and I flushed it down the toilet. I had to make food disappear... And I took a bunch of snacks to my room to fool her boyfriend. No questions asked. Sweet. Probably working out tomorrow. Walking or something.. :)

I'm so proud. Today was a good day. I wana thank yall for your support and help. It means alot and I really appreciate it. Thanks :)

No food tomorrow. Or no more than 100 calories. This whole sleeping thing helps avoid food.

breaking points.

I have slept most of the day away. I cleaned the floors and dusted the house, too. I ate 3 crackers and I promise not to hate myself if I have 2 more. I weighed in at 144 today. I might go on a walk when people get home just so I don't have to deal with them..

WANA HEAR A SHORT STORY?!
Once upon last night, brother was hungry. Mother ate with boyfriend and got home late. Brother got pissed and left the house. Mother was disrespected because brother is a brat. Brother also messed up laundry so Mother had to fix it, more work she didn't have to do. Brother came back after about an hour. Mother and Brother faught more. Mother went to bed crying, Brother ate.
...The family is falling apart. Again.

I could kill my brother. He can disrespect me and leave me at the barn alone for hours, but he WILL NOT yell at my mom and storm out the house because she didn't make dinner plans.

..I'm not talking to my brother .. til.. whenever he decides to be respectful again.
This stress helps keep the hunger away..

So 2 things are broken.
The scale saying 145, and my family. ..yayyyyy
I'm doing okay today. Not good, just.. not bad.

i'm weak

k i had a bite of taters and half a yogurt. today - no more than 200 calories.
tomorrowww... lets try to stick with ZERO.

i'm weak. if i can make it through tomorrow.. i'll be a GOD.

seriously, someone fucking inspire me. i'm stick in 144-145 range.

succecss?

I was at the barn almost all day. Hard work. Got home late and all I've had is a piece of celery, and 3 crackers. Now I feel sick? woot! Ugh I'm so tired. Long ass day!

Working out tomorrow. Trying to keep away from the food. Maybe I'll walk the 3 mile walk around my house. (My house isn't that big.. there's just a 3 mile circle around it)

Laxatives hurt. Pretty bad. I'm VERY MUCH paying for my sins.

ahhh... successful day. so far...
if i munch even a LITTL tonight, off with my head.

GROSS.UNACCEPTABLE.GROSS.

This morning I am 145 point BULLSHIT. I had to do some munching last night in front of my mom and then I just left dirty dishes around the house so she'd get off my ass.
I'm going to the barn stupidearly this morning. I'm riding from 10am-11. The rest of the time, I'm runnin' 'round like a mad man! There's pretty ponds and stuff for me to 'enjoy a walk to' if anyone bothers to ask.

When I get home this afternoon, I get to clean up after my brother, yay. My mom thinks he's a saint cuz he never leaves dishes around.. NO. He only looks that way becuase I clean up after him and she recently discovered this, my brother is still the favorite child. Go figure.

I'm so effing disappointed in myself. I didn't have to have that sliver of cheesecake. I could have gotten by with just the dirty dishes layin' around. I AM NOT EATING TODAY. WHAT SO EVER.

OR TOMORROW.
Saturday, is a party.. I don't know if I'm going yet 'cause I hate the girl who it's for
and.. the rest if too far away for me to plan. Everything depends on what the scale says I can eat.