RECOVERY?..

Soberness sucks.
Eating sucks.
- Although, I forget often... Not thinking about food & accepting it more, it's a challenge to even care about food. Accepting food has been okay. :|

Only gained 15 lbs. I hate it.
My boyfriend is my number one support.
I love him.

Goodbye Bloggers <3
Love and miss you all.

done.done.done.done.SO DONE.

I'm not taking any pills for the next month.
None. Zero. Nothing.

I purged last night.
I broke down arguing with my mom this morning.

I'm so done.
Done with the half way double life.
Done with the pain and fear
Done being on the brink of death
Done crying myself to sleep
Done hating myself for the things I have to do in recovery
Done not having a choice
Done feeling like I'm at this alone
Done facing every day like it's my last, 'cause it really could be..

I just want this to all be gone.

OneStep(at)aTime

I ate Friday night.
Yesterday I woke up to 128.
I guess my body was so excited I left something inside, it ate too much.

Keeping food down is destroying my mind. I HATE it.
I'm not cutting. I'm not going over board with pills.
This sucks for me but it makes my boyfriend so proud.
Unfortunately, my mom doesn't believe it's happening. *sigh*

I won't let myself see my numbers.
I will try to be healthy.
I will eat when I'm hungry.
I will only taste it once.
I will feed myself every day.
...I'm trying /:

<3 recovery is breaking my mind more than obsession with numbers, at the moment..

recovery?WHAT.

My world blew up again.
It loves to do that.
130 and I'm going to miss it.

Wednesday I went to the doctor. Here's what I told her:
- Bulimic tendencies for 5 years
- Chronic nightmares that destroy my life in the winter
- Don't eat 5 days of the week
- Laxatives, water pills, Phentremene

Here's what I was told:
- Ulcers, colon infection, torn esophagus bad teeth
- Dead by 35, latest.

She listened to my heart and lungs, felt my stomach and all that crap. I got an EKG. She said the only reason everything sounded and looked as normal as it did is because I'm on so many stimulants. My heart is actually on the brink of giving out. That I should stop taking what I do but, it could cause bad things too. Complicated. And my whole color changing thing? I randomly turn red and purple all over. That's my thyroid. It's malfunctioning too. And when I shake a lot? That can be considered normal for me now. Blood sugar, imbalanced electrolytes, malfunctioning organs - my body doesn't know what's going on and it goes haywire, so I shake and sometimes get red in the face. It's not cute.

I was prescribed Lexapro and Alprazolam. An anti-depressant and a generic named Xanax. I'm on day 3 of the Lexapro. Haven't had a nightmare since I've taken it.. which is what the doc said it'd do. I'm thankful.
Side effects:
- feeling warm
- sweaty palms
- short term memory loss

I tell my mom everything from the doctor. I got lectured so hard I had to keep gluing myself together as she yelled 'cause I was on my way to being so broken I wouldn't have even bothered to fix myself later. What exactly did this lecture say?
"I have no faith in you. You're killing yourself for attention. I'm tired of your mistakes. I tried time and time again to reach out and help. This is all your fault. You don't need anti-depressants. I will not be blamed for this. It's easy, you can just stop. You can't keep self destructing."

Yeah, I did throw it in her face that she specifically told me to cut myself on Christmas Eve. Her response? "Because I don't care anymore, I don't love you. I only love you because you're my daughter but other than that I am detached."

I'm going through with an operation where I swallow a camera to look for tears, sores, ulcers, and infections. I will be put under for this.

Risks:
- Reactions to medicines, reaction to interactions of medicines
- Internal bleeding
- Infection
- Heart and breathing problems
- Collapsing lung
- Hiatal hernia (portion of the stomach protrudes upward into the chest, through an opening in the diaphragm)

So no, I'm not only scared of what they'll find. I'm scared that the search itself could cause more problems as well.

I love my boyfriend for supporting me every single step of the way and being there for me every single second of the day.

<3 how do i do this if everyone isn't just letting me down, but pushing me through the cracks in the floor with their own hands..

live(in)love.

Numbers unknown. But surely small.

I woke up a couple times this morning only to fall back into darkness moments after hitting the alarm. Nightmare after nightmare! Ever dream and at one point, you realize you're asleep? I knew 90% of the time I was dreaming but I couldn't escape the horrible things I was seeing. I got up at 6:30am to have a cigarette with my mom and crawled back under the covers. Instantaneously unconscious. So suddenly running through one fear after another. One unfathomably painful sight after the other. Horrors last all through the night and all through the morning. 11:45am and the boyfriend calls. Never been so happy to hear his voice in my life. I didn't even think back on my terrors and cry because I was too set on the happiness of waking up to his voice.

I roll out of bed and eat my candies. Two for hunger, two for my body, and three to help empty my body further.
I had zero intention of eating today and I didn't. My stepdad though, insisted I have dinner. He made me a grilled cheese with mustard and brought it to my room. I continued to procrastinate homework with Facebook and let the sandwich sit. I craved nicotine so I finally did something with the evil that had been sitting on my bed. teartearflush. I cried a little. I hate when food is made special for me and I do that. I didn't even chew and spit. Just... straight down the toilet.
0 bites.

Talking to the boyfriend almost all day. He wants to accompany me to the doctor tomorrow after school. I wish he could.. I don't know if I'll be able to spit the questions out. In order for his mom to say he could join me, he told her I had stomach ulcers and this doctor visit is critical. Sort of true. I probably do have ulcers, the stomach aches tell me. His mother said no. He then told her I was Bulimic. She still said no. Sadness touched my hand, I popped a mood stabilizer.

Talking to the boyfriend. Running around having a photo shoot with my cat. Procrastination is fun. But, I feel stressed that I didn't do my homework. I need an A in that class... That homework was classwork. Fuck me spinning.

I went on the porch feelin' a little cracked out. The chilled winter air spun itself around my limbs and hugged my chest. I fell in love with this feeling. So suddenly, I'm attacked by happiness and the rest of my day I was high on smiles.

Almost bed time, I should do homework...
If insomnia stops by, it'll happen. Otherwise, cheatcheatcheat.
Cheating. It's an honor student thing.

Life tip: Live in love before you die.
Just like everything you do, it will do nothing short of change your life.

<3 my passion to brighten the world burns
like the lighter i use to ignite the candles of happiness
in attempt to truly light up the dark corners of every life i run into

It's just a part of who I am..

130 stuck. That's okay.
Slept 90% of my weekend away.

I turned out to be everything everyone doesn't want me to be.
I'm an individual and my mother doesn't accept it.
I'm a pot head and my boyfriend doesn't like it.
I'm anorexic but my state of health tells me I shouldn't be.

It hurts being asked to not be a part of who you are.
It hurts worse once you find your self worth again and the people you love are breaking it back down. I'm finding myself in this world and everything that catches my eye turns everyone away from me.

I could be 70lbs and perfect and I could still never be accepted.
But my weight could kill me and I'd die happy.
I'd rather leave a pretty corpse.
A flawless one

Why am I not allowed to be me?
And I can't say these things to anyone because every one of my pretty little secrets would slip out one way or another. And now Casey thinks I'm stealing her boyfriend? Between not being allowed to be myself and being accused of such bullshit, I'm a tad bit broken. A heart sunken feeling that lasts for days starts hurting the rest of your body. I stopped gauging my ears because it's not "accepted." I stopped smoking pot because my boyfriend doesn't "like" it. I'll morph back into 'normal' or whatever normal is supposed to be and continue hating it.
I can only love myself when I'm every part of who I am.
A lot of me is bring taken away.

<3 if i'm not allowed to be me
i don't know if i want to be here

what.....

I have no idea how I'm awake. Or alive.
And I don't know what kinda of emotions I should have about that.