my resolution for 2012 is to look and feel like this. or at least do everything in my power to get as close to this as possible. doesn't she look fantastically overwhelmingly full of life and happy?! here's to a new year!

i just accidentally came upon this video

and it almost makes me want to cry.

his laugh.

his voice.

my little boy is a teenager now.....omg.

"if" these were the little lovelies i spend my days with, i might be really happy to be getting a break right now.

i feel like this should also say, what happens at the christmas party stays at the christmas party...

christmas tree up (been up for a couple weeks, but now complete with decorations)
nativity up, village lit
very few decorations going up this year....sweet and simple (although it still looks like christmas threw up in our house)

entry closet gutted....3 bags to sell, 1 bag and 1 box of trash (the closet collapsed randomly the other day)

now about to empty the laundry room, including disassembling the pantry shelves i installed (the dryer needs to be tended to for the first time in 13YEARS! holy fire hazard)

on the major hunt for a place to live.  prefer to rent a house. sick to my stomach about the process and the fact that it isn't happening in one of the MONTHS THAT I'M NOT WORKING.  kind of crazy that my job allows me to be completely off all summer, but i have to move in the middle of the insanity. 

in a beyond major throw away/give away mood. how the heck did i get all this stuff?!
i'm dying to simplify. as annoyed as i am about being forced to move, i'm so excited about simplifying. 

confession: the boy and i still save some of his clothes/things for his (one day) siblings.  we added to that stash tonight.

i'm so overwhelmed with work.  i needed to be there for a lot of hours this weekend and i went zero.  i needed to grade and i didn't even get out a red pen.  i need a teacher's aid or an assistant.  although i don't know if i'd need my assistant to help me with work or home more:)

the boy has his winter band concert tomorrow and i had to let about 3 inches out of the length of his pants.  so i guess i'm hemming pants (which i don't know how to do) before going to bed, too. oh and he needs black shoes.  and one more pair of jeans to make 2, and size 13 socks.  he's growing like a mad man.

okay, now that i've had my rant i should probably get to it.  i'm totally exhausted.  how do you guys do all this?!  as domestic and i like to think i am, i see i've got a lot of work to do to be successful!
nightie night peeps.

reindeer snowman created by the wee 4 year old cousin back in 2010.

right now.

feeling rested (took a 4 hour nap)
cleaning dishes (and feeling okay about it)
drying the last load of laundry (and ready to put it away)

putting up christmas decorations (and singing and swaying to sarah)

was initiated into a beautiful organization today (the teenager calls it my gang) with dear kite flying friends and new friends

although i've had multiple meltdowns over the last few weeks, this week i got to have one with my Bishop and it felt so so good.  i needed to see him look at me and i needed to hear his comforting voice.  i'm thankful he is such a good man.

looking for a new place to call home.  we've been in our treehouse for 13 years. the boy was only 7months old when we moved in.  but it's kind of falling a part around us and they need us to move out.  it's kind of funny how that works.  i mean, i never thought they would be the ones telling me it was time to move on.  so, now really wanting a house that is likely under any renters budget to allow someone to live there, and trying hard to get excited for another apartment...  and i suppose we're mostly trying to get revved up about packing and moving. during the school year. omg. 

my mom came to run an austin errand and stayed to help ease my troubles this week.  she was a cleaning, organizing, errand running, crazy lady...and then she fell down my apartment stairs!  bless her heart.  it could have been a million times worse, but she "only" tore the ligaments in the top of her foot.  she's in a big boot and bored out of her mind (no walking, no driving, no nothing).  she's also going through shopping withdrawals:) 

rejuvenated with snipits of beautiful friend time last weekend.  it does wonders for the soul let me tell you.  there are a few more i need to reconnect with to complete that feeling and i can't wait. 

i was gifted the most beautiful personal treasure (anonymously) on my front door recently.  i have been racking my brain because clearly they know me well and it was so special to me yet i had no idea who it was from.  i will share it with you in its own post because it seriously makes me all warm and emotional and i adore it.  thank you sweet sweet anonymous friend.

i have no idea how i'm going to get out of this unhappy feeling or life mess i feel like i've gotten myself into, but this week amongst the chaos i felt like i would figure it out.  there are so many beautiful people in my life, there is so much to be thankful for, and i know i will figure it out. 

it really is beautiful seeing everyone getting ready for the holiday.
your foods you've completed or are preparing to make sound like fabulous dishes for your gatherings.
you have decorated your homes.
you are planning your christmas decorations.
you are excited anticipating christmas.
you know what you are getting your children.  and some of you have even begun.
some of you are even crafting grand gifts.
some of you are deciding what to gift your friends with.
you are taking pictures and picking out the perfect christmas card to showcase your family in your annual update.
you have traditions and people who happily partake of those traditions. 
there is real genuine smiling.
there might even be laughter.
i've been seeing and hearing you count your blessings.

and while i too know i have many many blessings, i can't help but wonder what i am doing to have (dare i say even to feel like i deserve) none of that.  i don't like not knowing.  especially because i think i would work really hard to immediately fix it if i could only know the source. 

but i do know that whatever it is i am doing wrong (or whatever needs to be tweaked) is seeping into my logic to do most things: budget, clean, cook, declutter, problem solve, take risks, even to perform a daily rhythm that might help life hum along smoothly.  i hope i figure it out soon.  there is so much to enjoy, as evidenced from everyone around me in their cheerful festive accounts of life.

from pinterest to classroom.

over the summer, when i discovered pinterest, i was obsessing about these really fantastic things i was finding and trying to figure out how to make them make sense in my own classroom.  after combining several ideas i came up with a few of my own versions of things.  here are a few of my favorite parts of my workspace...

our class family wall, which also includes our class contract (with a LOT of words...but it's okay cause they wrote it themselves, right?). the frames are made with brown craft paper and i doodled all over them...i doodled 25 of these bad boys.  i laminated them though cause i'm no dummy and can use them each year:)  their little faces actually look just like them.  that's one of my favorite parts. 

and of course the precious little sofa that sits underneath it.  they LOVE it.  i got it at a yard sale over the summer and my mom helped me add the red binding (which was an idea that came to me in my sleep!). it's just their size, it's super comfy, and it makes us all happy.  i wish wish wish i could show you pics of my peeps cause we already have many a pictures learning on the sofa.

and the chandelier might make me the happiest.  i've wanted one since my first year and apparently all i needed was pinterest in my life to give me a tutorial.  i'm so thankful for those that are on the ball enough to teach others!   it took my mom and i 2 days to do the chandelier.  it's made of wax paper and is a combination of 2 separate tutorials plus a little tweaking of our own.

(the quality of these pictures are not great, but hopefully you can get the gist of how these projects turned out for our little work space) 

work has been madness.  typically in a school there is rapid, full on pressure for creativity in the midst of chaos.   lucky for me, i can do better at the academics if i get a chance to be creative, so i've been working that a tad.  on crazy hat day i got to wear a vintage sequined hat i had been eying for a couple of years in a row from the button lady in round top.  this was my first time wearing it even though i've owned it for about 2 or 3 years now.  and it only cost me $6;)  my kids loved it.  if you look closely at the photo you can see what i scored for the classroom this year at round top. And guess who's class won the 2nd Annual Pumpkin Contest for the second year in a row???  It has to be a book character and after lots and lots and lots of research to find the perfect character and many rounds of voting, the students decided on SkippyjonJones.  He came together at the VERY LAST MINUTE and we were pretty proud of how he turned out.  Even more proud when they announced our name...they could hear our (totally surprised) celebration through the entire hall (oops!).

cause i lost 16 pounds:)

lately...

• classroom in order and ready for children.
• children come, we bond, i fall....in love, and no really i fall.
• hospital visits and coaxing my ankle (that appeared to belong to the marshmallow man from ghostbusters) back to a normal size later, i'm good again.  the chiropractorr is working on getting it completely aligned again, too.  (dear student, remember that all 4 chair legs stay on the floor please. love, ms.G)
• re-construction of the classroom complete (as in me redoing a lot of the darn room...no more falling, you know).
• a hula hoop and blue tape working miracles to give a child boundaries and help him feel secure in his body/space so he can take a second to learn.  sometimes i think he needs to be swaddled but it might look a little too straightjacket-ish with him being 8 and all.
• a pre-evaluation conference warning to my prinicpal that there are 5 of my peeps winging it with no meds and no coping skills and their version of "engaged" will not be the same as his expectation.
• 2 evaluations checked off my nerve racking to do list followed by 2 really good reviews. (sigh)
• grades input and ready for report cards.
• 2 big fights and 2 big make ups with my teammates.  we're good now.
• literacy night adventures, over with. including a movie we spent a lot of laughing minutes to film and a lot of decorating.
• parent conferences planned, conference forms written, and meetings had. still trying to get the last few.
• 2 day training away, and sub plans and nervousness about being away- all over with.  how would the sub ever "handle" the 5???  (i can happily report that they all survived)
• my sweet, mess of a boy student from last year who i'm mentoring...who is also struggling his little days away, now piped up that he's moving (at which point my heart broke).  then he said next week (my heart shattered).  and friday he called me to tell me the uhaul was coming this weekend (i can't even acknowledge my heart). 
• the boy i birthed broke his arm in his first football game of the season.  then he was casted in a jazzy purple cast that he grew to hate.  he missed the whole season.
• the bones shifted. they are fused broken. the growth plate is keeping anyone from doing anything about it. so we wait for the boy to become a man and decide what to do from there. "98% chance he'll never feel it or have a single problem" "..........but if he plays sports it will break again." (ummm) 
• cast is off.  the boy is careful as can be. plays basketball one night and he brilliantly comes back to life feeling like his old self. i think we're risking it??  appointment in a week will give us more direction.
• another tumor brewing in my body.  dumb thyroid. not worrisome, we're just going to monitor it, yada yada.
• fell again at school this time in the middle of the hall walking backwards and tripped over a big orange cone.  my arms were flailing windmill style and the video from the school cameras is HILARIOUS. i volunteered it to any video of the school year because i am happy to donate my awesomeness for a good laugh.  absolutely not hurt in any way whatsoever;)  and my students said recently, "ms.G, you haven't fallen this week!"  i'm so the cool teacher;)
• the treehouse has been beyond neglected for weeks now.  just awful.  i finally got it in order-ish today, after sleeping in and staying in my pjs til 4:30pm. my room is another story...but i'll get there.
• went to the green smoothie girl seminar and was inspired to be better.  i can do it.  she's awesome and funny and adorable and i totally love her and her ideas.  12steps...got it. on my way.
• payday comes this week and i can't even explain the anticipation in a way that truly represents it. OMgosh.
• pinterest is the new blog. and the new facebook. and the new way i function. i've been really lost in it and all the quick ways it simplifies my life. i feel so resourceful...in 52 categories. (i have 52 boards!)  who would ever think they could come up with 52 categories of things they want to keep track of or need ideas for?!
• i've got a new amiga who i've been getting to know the last few months or so (our kids are peeps) and she text me tonight with a fantastic money making idea.  even easier than the ice cream truck (which i'm still working on by the way).  i can use another idea in my life! she's going to help me with a few things cause she is awesome and smart and has a degree in business, some connections, and totally knows how to make ideas actually happen (unlike moi).  i'm just sayin one of these ideas has to get me out of treading water mode cause i'm getting tired.  plus the ideas sound fun and who doesn't want to have fun making a little extra dinero?!

that's a lot of what's been going on here. my blog posts are so lame these days.  eventually i'll be able to give myself to blogging in a more interesting way again. for now, goodnight;)

reading again.

I mentioned WomenFood&God before, but I have to briefly mention it again (and I'll likely mention it again).  This book is so ME.  There are books that you have to highlight or underline things that stand out to you or that you connect with or recognize in yourself.  And so may times I've started to go get the pencil to start underlining or adding notes.  but the problem I'm having with this book is that I would literally be underlining every word.  Every single word is speaking my life, what I do, how I think, and again back to what I do.  It's so much that I can't even process.  I've decided I'm going to finish it and then go back and take more time (with the pencil) to really apply it so I can truly listen.  The author offers these grand workshop retreats that cost like $2000 for a few days or something wacky.  I'm happy to just ponder and learn from the book:) 

One thing she talks about that has really struck me is an overwhelming need to constantly change who you are.  An almost obsession-like need to be better than who you are.  To learn, grow, be different.  There's this state of inability to accept who you are and to fill your life with the need to change.  And it is actually not okay.

It's different than wanting to be even better.  It's different than wanting to magnify talents or try new things (like running, or piano, or making bread on Sundays).  It's different than disciplining yourself to tweak poor habits. Instead it's more like an act of constantly keeping yourself down by piling on all the things that need to be better and perfect.  Cause if I'm "perfect" life will be different.  I will be different.  I can be happy. It's an awful expectation to have for yourself.  And it's an awful state of "failure" to function in because I can never really live up to that expectation. 

It's really fascinating.  I feel like she's counseling ME, yet she wrote this book without even knowing my name.  It's another moment where I start to feel so complicated yet I fit into a textbook case, and can do this this and this(ish) to get out of it.  I like that she gets this part of me.  Reading it does make me feel vulnerable and sensitive, but I hope the second time around I can really start learning and applying.  (not in an obsessive way, but in a totally healthy way;)

wow, thanks President Uchtdorf.  thanks for reminding me of things i should never forget.  things like to be patient with myself, to use my time wisely and dedicate my time and energy to the things that matter most, to not wait for my golden ticket to live but to look for the simple joys in life, to not add living the gospel to my to do list but to allow it to enrich my life in beautiful ways so that each day is sweeter.  and also for reminding me that God loves me even when i'm lonely and weak and make mistakes.  that he knows me and loves me, and that he hasn't forgotten me.  that was perfect timing, i tell you.

oh and i thought it was a particularly nice touch to make your golden ticket example about a single elementary teacher who was waiting to meet her husband so she could be the wife and mother she always wanted to be (but never became).  i know that your talk was planned way ahead of my meltdown, but it clearly was exactly what i needed to hear.  no golden tickets for me, just finding joy in the blessings i already have.  i will be a good mother to my boy, a good teacher to those in my care, and a darn good mother-in-law and grandma one day if that's the way it turns out. 

thanks for listening to the promptings of Heavenly Father to know just what to say to help ease my troubled mind..

warning: downer.

i am not a resilient girl right now.
i've been in bed all day.
all day.
my home is dumb.
my job is dumb.
15yr reunions are dumb.
broken families are dumb.
i just wrote a really long list of things that are dumb but erased them to spare you...nice of me, yes?
my mind is also engulfed by Women, Food, and God.  it's the book i'm reading now, which i really love and is so fascinating and revealing.  i feel like i'm learning about myself.  which is what i want.  the book is so right on with my issues.  but it's all still so depressing to me.  i have the i wants.  i want this and that.  big, small, profound and insignificant, i want it all.  i want to be living a different life.  i really do.  it's like i still don't even know who i am sometimes. and i just can't believe that after all this effort and time really trying to know, that i can still make that statement....that i don't even know who i am.  that i don't feel like my place in this world is valid or important.  that i'm offering anything of value.  i'm only offering a half-ass version of myself.  i have great big desires and wishes and needs and wants for myself and my boy.  i feel like my intentions are deep and valuable and important, and that even Heavenly Father knows they are grand and good.  surely it is not his plan for me to sit in this stupid apartment, trying forever to figure life out, and live this every.single.day.  it cannot be his wish for me. 
i would ask him, but i'm kind of afraid of his answer.
when do i get to LIVE?

Dear So-and-So,
I can't figure out if the group of peeps you chill with everyday (that make life quite the opposite of chill cause several of them are clearly quite naughty) is making you so incredibly grouchy and rude and awful to be around or if it's me.  Cause I tried to bring it to your attention and we chatted and "resolved" and walked away, and then immediately it was worse.  And everyday it gets worse.  Or better for a random second and then even way worse.  Like today.  Today you were plain stupid (which I can say cause you're so-and-so who doesn't read such-and-such).  Which made me equally as stupid.  And even tonight I'm all hot and bothered about how unfair and out of control and unprofessional and lame you are being.  And honestly I could dismiss it all if I knew it was just frustration cause of your peeps.  But if you are holding some kind of hostility and plotting some vengeful yucky girl bashing/professional sabotaging scheme, then that is quite unforgivable.  And you should know I don't participate in such things.  And before you could even attempt such nonsense I will go and beg and plead my way to another land with other peeps.  Cause I never asked to be there anyway.
From,
You-Know-Who

i've been a busy bee the last few weeks and have little of anything to offer the ol blog.  or perhaps i do, just no time to download pics or think of fun stories to tell describing them or some kind of keeping a creative record of life.  so for now i'll just write a few words to feel connected still.

my classroom is together, but i won't feel complete until my binders are organized and my expectations are on the wall.  i also need to take pics of the wee ones and post them on all the regular places (bulletins, charts and such).  my plan is to have it together enough to take and post pics this week.  which will likely happen bc open house is this week and i will so have it done before then.  it is a happy happy work space.  i think for me and them.  they seem to love it.  they take care of it, and i've never had that before.  maybe cause it's new, or maybe because it feels beautiful and they don't want to mess it up.   whatever the reason, i'll take it.  my group this year is lovely.  i only have 16.  they are a smart, eclectic bunch and certainly keep me on my toes, but in ways i've yet to experience with any group.  this is going to be a fun year.  one of the most endearing things i'm experiencing is seeing my old babies in the 4th and 5th grade hall.  probably because it's still the beginning of the year, my heart swells every time i see them.  every.single.time.  knowing i have some in 5th grade makes me really consider the teacherFacebook page.  i would be sad to lose touch with how these guys are doing.  they are my first year babies and they are so mature and tall and fantastic.  i'm so proud when i see them.  i'm wearing sunglasses to 5th grade graduation this year.

speaking of proud and needing sunglasses, how about that teenager i live with?!  he grew another quarter of an inch since july.  i had to ask for help finding socks to fit a size 13.  he ties his own ties for church now and they are 100x better than any tie i've ever done.  boys are just better at that stuff i suppose.  and he is just about the most handsome boy ever.  he went home-teaching today and helped share the message (visiting with and sharing a spiritual message with a family at church).  he did his homework and practiced (percussion) without any reminders. i even saw him planning out some things in his scout book today (oober smart incentive of getting the cell phone once the EAGLE has been earned).  we spent the last part of today cleaning the treehouse and getting organized for the week and i decided he is really just completely wonderful.  i mean, even more wonderful.  happily, fantastically, wonderful.  not perfect...just wonderful.  i adore him...even when he's grouchy cause i say too much about him (and then i get grouchy back cause i'm all like, "get a real problem" and we have our typical mother/teenager conversation).

i suppose i should go to bed.  before i have a "real problem" tomorrow with 16 peeps expecting me to be on my toes and i have to start explaining that i'm tired cause i was blogging and pinning all night.  can't wait to post some pics and visually jazz up this place!
until then...

hello there my biggest supporters!
it's been a week since my reconnection with ME and we're still bonding.  i feel so proud of this accomplishment.  i even feel kind of proud to have done it on my own (clearly with the guidance of Heavenly Father) but something in me feels all natural childbirth-y to not have been guided by a therapist.  (and even though i am a MAJOR advocate for therapy for all)
this happened last monday, and wouldn't you know that tuesday i was asked to speak at church??  i mean, as soon as i got the phone call i knew why.  i knew i was supposed to share it.  i didn't even have time to really go into detail and i was even feeling as i was speaking that the details weren't necessary to share.  but i knew my perspective had shifted enough that i had something to offer and that felt good.  i was still so on top of the world that i was happy to shout it from the roof tops.  how awful this girl must have felt being stuffed in some dark part of myself in an effort to be forgotten.  how miraculous that i found her and rescued her all by an act of forgiveness.  this is such a real, concrete, tangible experience even in its abstract intrapersonal way.  i still feel like i've changed my life.

we enjoyed a stay-cation that ended sunday as well.  my mom has been in town and our days have been so filled with fun, out of the ordinary things around our town.  i'm SO sharing them!  a lot of fun i tell you!!!  she's even staying in town an extra day to help me with some fantastic projects.  hopefully i'll be able to share those with you too.  i'm moving classrooms and i'm inspired by these 2 fantastic windows.  i also got a brilliant idea for the teacher's lounge.  did i ever tell you that i'm secretly redoing the WHOLE ROOM?  it's been on my to do list since i arrived there (except that i thought i was going to leave there soon after and be a kite again so i didn't put in a lick of effort).  but now that i know it's my space to be in too and simply must get my hands on this place:)  i will do a before and after of that as well.....cause i think it's going down tomorrow.  can't wait!

okay, off to read....just got theHELP...and sleep and get ready for my day of creativity tomorrow.  it feels like tomorrow's black friday or something! (that's funny...i guess i get more excited about black friday than christmas)
nighty noodle peeps;)

a breakthrough of magnificent proportions.

deep breaths...innnnnnnnn and ouuuuuuuuuuut.  again.  and again.
i have been working today.  i woke up early with good intentions of being a part of interviews at school, but with absolutely no solid form of myself in sight.  i had to back out.  i didn't get to sleep until after 4am even while lying in my bed and trying to shake these thoughts.  and once i drifted, i ended up in the stupid dream i mentioned a couple of posts ago.  the alarm went off soon after.  i got up and tried.  i even looked up dreams and what causes them and possible meanings.  i wrote about where my nightly thoughts take me.  i recommitted myself to the alanon classes for this evening cause they are monday night happenings.  and while i know i am deeply effected by the alcoholism in my family i still wasn't feeling these issues as my source of pain right now.  i continued to work. 
while pondering, i muted my house (tv on mute, ringers off, etc.) and wrote ferociously the words in my heart.  and i cried my eyes out.  tears from deep deep deep within.  tears i didn't know i needed to cry.  tears that left me out of breath.  tears that i didn't stop.  hard, cleansing crying.  when i was calm and came back to myself i went to the mirror and for the first time in a long long time I saw ME.  i saw my eyes and the deepest most sincere form of myself.  i saw the little girl.  i saw the teenager.  i saw the woman.  i saw the truest form of ME.  it was beautiful.  i got to tell her, the girl in my eyes, that it was okay.  that she would be okay.  that everything was going to be alright.  even that i was finally here for her.  i was acknowledging her.  i can't believe i got to see her.  she looked so sad and so beautiful all at once.  i missed her.  she seems relieved now.  and so do i.  cause we are the same.  she is fragile, but relieved.  this girl inside me was never really forgiven by me for some of her mistakes.  i mistreated her.  i was mad at her.  i was mad at her family for not teaching her.  i was mad at her for not knowing anyway and figuring out the right way sooner....before mistakes were made. mistakes that would haunt her.  but it's not her fault.  it happened.  she's been forgiven.  it was time for me to forgive her too.  even for the horrific.  it felt good to connect.  i feel like we're still holding hands.  her eyes were beyond beautiful to connect with.  i saw into her soul.  into my soul. 
she's been hurting and damaged and abandoned with her arms up as if to say, "what the hell??"  i think she may have even been screaming "what the hell??" since i left her.
today i heard her.
today i SAW her.
today i came back to myself.

this breakthrough is beyond any i've ever felt before.  and there have been many over the last 13 years or so.  the love in my heart for myself has been profoundly changed.  i am physically effected by the work...as if i have done a complete major workout.  i am shaky, noodley even.  i am still taking big, long deep breaths.  i feel fragile.  but i also feel strong.  i feel good.  i look like a wreck, but i'll take it:)

i think i'm going to request a blessing that i might handle this reconnection in the best way possible.  that i might have the strength, wisdom and knowledge of how to take care of this girl in me who's trying to catch up to her 33rd year of life now that she's found it.  there is some catching up to do.  i have broken a lot of cycles and she doesn't live the same life as back then.  i hope she is proud of who she's become.  i hope she feels comfortable in her skin.  i hope she sees that she is teaching little people in a way that she was never taught.  it is her life's work.  she's righting the wrongs.  i am righting the wrongs.  i am teaching in the way i was never taught.

i know myself so much better today.

Are you growing up in a family with drinking?
these answers are from my growing up self perspective
Do you believe no one could possibly understand how you feel? yes.
Do you cover up your real feelings by pretending you don't care? yes.
Do you feel nobody really loves you or cares what happens to you? sometimes.
Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking or what's happening in your home? totally.
Do you stay out of the house as much as possible because you hate it there? i don't think so.
Are you afraid or embarrassed to bring your friends home? no.
Has someone's drinking upset you? for sure.
Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking or others' reactions to the drinking? sometimes.
Are you afraid to speak up sometimes for fear it will set off a drinking bout or start another fight? yes.
Do you think the drinker's behavior is caused by you, other members of your family, friends, or rotten breaks in life? maybe?
Do you make threats such as, "If you don't stop drinking and fighting, I'll run away"? no.
Do you make promises about behavior, such as, "I'll get better grades," "go to church," or "keep my room clean" in exchange for a promise that the drinking and fighting stop? yes.
Do you feel that if your mom or dad loved you, she or he would stop drinking? yes.
Do you ever threaten or actually hurt yourself to scare your parents into saying "I'm sorry," or "I love you"? no way.
Do you or your family have money problems because of someone else's drinking? yes.
Are mealtimes frequently stressful or delayed because of drinking or fighting? yes.
Have you considered calling the police because of the abusive behavior in your home? yes, but nope, cause we hide it.
Have you refused dates because your date may find out about the drinking or fighting? no.
Do you think your problems would be solved if the drinking stopped? probably.
Do you ever treat people (teachers, schoolmates, teammates, etc.) unjustly because you are angry at someone else for drinking too much? maybe?

Are you an adult child of family drinking?
these answers are from my grown up self perspective
Do you constantly seek approval or affirmation? yes.
Do you fail to recognize your accomplishments? yes.
Do you fear criticism? not really.
Do you over extend yourself? always.
Have you had problems with your own compulsive behavior? yes.
Do you have a need for perfection? yes, yes, yes. and therefore always inadequate.
Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems? maybe?
Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis? yes.
Do you still feel responsible for others, as you did for the problem drinker in your life? yes.
Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for yourself? yes.
Do you isolate yourself from other people? yes.
Do you respond with fear to authority figures and angry people? i don't think so.
Do you feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of you? no.
Do you have trouble with intimate relationships? yes.
Do you confuse pity with love, as you did with the problem drinker? probably.
Do you attract and/or seek people who tend to be compulsive and abusive? yes.
Do you cling to relationships because you are afraid of being alone? yes, i did. now i avoid like no other.
Do you mistrust your own feelings and the feelings expressed by others? yes.
Do you find it difficult to identify and express your emotions? haha, ummm...no.
Do you think parental drinking may have affected you? perhaps.

last night i went all religious crazy girl on my nightmares.  this time i was in a fight for my life physically against some guy. he was actually a punk teenage kid in one of the youth groups at church (not our ward, for those that know what that means).  while his punkness does exist and in fact irk me in real life, this event did not really happen, obviously.  nevertheless, my heart was beating so violently in my chest that i could tell i was particularly worked up.  even in my dream i knew i was dreaming and i could calm myself down.  so i starting yelling in my thoughts...rebuking satan (i told you).  i told him i only accept things of God.  that i only live my life for Him and that he was not welcome even in my thoughts and dreams.  i went on until my heartbeat was back to a soft pitterpatter rather than the violent thumping, pounding, beating that was trying to take me over.  it probably took 45seconds.  i even remember in my sleep being surprised at how quickly it was working.  my body was still a little shaky for a short time after, but then i got to have a real deep sleep again (or was it finally?).

i saw on some rehab show a girl being coached to get herself out of her anxiety attack.  i suppose that's what i did.  it felt good to be in control and fix it myself(ish).  and so quickly.  and to say with conviction that i'm on God's side and he has my back, and to feel the truth in that.

it's about to be 3am.  i can't sleep.  well, i suppose i probably could (i'm kind of dying to) but i'm scared.  every time i lay down (the past few nights especially) my dreams are haunting me.  which i suppose makes them nightmares.  they are very specific and i go directly to that place.  i can't seem to shake it.  the thing that makes them particularly yucky is that they are real.  these moments really happened once upon an awful awful time.  and repeatedly i am going back there to an unfathomable state every time i stop for sleep. 

life allows us to live and experience the right, wrong, awesome and horrific.  my dreams are frozen in horrific.  perhaps i found my hypnosis experience (she/the counselor says the process goes faster if i can think of an experience that might be at the root of my issue).  that sentence has been stalking me for 3 months now.  how can i sum my issues into one experience??  no way.  no way at all.  i think that is the reason i've been a tad more sensitive lately.  it's that i've been trying so hard to do the "homework" of finding a root experience so that I spend less time and money with the therapist (i haven't actually seen her yet, only an inquiring phone conversation which led to the "need" for a specific experience and pressure to find one.  it's not REALLY needed, but it's helpful).  sometimes that is just tricky to do on your own.  i hope i'm guiding myself correctly.  i'm ready to get out of horrific.  i'm ready to not punish myself physically anymore.  if that's what i'm doing, then i need to be done.

would you ever sell your life story (anonymously) if you knew there was a possibility of a movie?  a lifetime movie obviously, not a bigscreen?  do you think it would be possible to not tell a soul?  i would love to reap the benefits of having MYversion of MYstory outed (oh the freedom), but get to do it privately without anyone knowing (skip all the shame people might feel with names attached...shame of myself included). 

okay, i'm trying this again.  it'll work this time.  i have nephi to read about and a beautiful cozy bed to comfort me.  plus my boy is in the next room in truly a peaceful state and that feels darn good, too.

I arrived at the designated house and saw what looked like an army of boys with parents sprinkled here and there and the massive charter bus that my own cute teenage boy road away on 8days prior (on the morning of my birthday).  The boys were unloading the truck, organizing the loot on the lawn, finding their own belongings and loading them into their family cars.  My own child alone had a massive hiking backpack, a cot, a battery operated box fan, a pillow with bedding attached and a camelback wrapped around it, a drawstring backpack, and a basketball.  In the (super organized) mess of everything I was scanning for my own boy as I walked up to the yard.  Then truly an (even) taller version of my son came around the other side of the bus with a smile and in an (even deeper) voice says, "Hi, Mom!" and gives me a hug. 

He's a part of the herd of workers and gathering his things.  He's also collecting trash and putting away things in the owner's home.  I'm watching him, happily soaking in his every detail.  He loads the car.  He's laughing and talkative with his friends and leaders, and tan, and dirty, and adorable.  I know him but these constant changes during this stage seem like he gets a software update each night when he goes to sleep....I get to see each day what newness he brings to life.  To be honest I can't take my eyes off of him.  It's like watching an infant/toddler develop so drastically during that stage of his life only again as they're older and appreciating the changes right along with you.  Don't dread getting a teen...it's way cool!

He's so kind and helpful and talkative (not that he wasn't before, but even more now).  We attended church (where I swear he looks more alive and himself than any other place), have ventured out to HarryPotter (which was fantastic), and also had an indoor movie marathon in our short time since he's been home.  Right now he's at the neighborhood library (which he walked to) with his summer reading list and library card in hand so that he can get a few books.  All self-initiated!

He earned all 6 six merit badges: Archery, Riflery, Shotgun, Horsemanship, Music, Photography, and did some kind of Wilderness Survival with some of his peeps and slept in the woods on rocks with nothing but their clothed bodies.  He also hiked up a mountain at 5am to watch the sunrise and thought it was awesome.  He said it rained everyday and there were no bugs.  I think both of those things alone must have made it dreamy.  Plus his cot and fan and 70degree nights!  I'm so proud of him.  He said he didn't even get homesick once!  Last year was so awful for him on so many levels so to hear this was music to my momma ears.  I wrote him a short letter for each night and he said they helped a lot too (he was probably just being nice;). 

It feels so good to have him home.  Man, I love that kid.

favs.

i think these are my top 3 favorite posts:

#1

#2

#3

oh, and maybe this one too:

#4

PROBLEM #1: I absolutely cannot accept myself.  In fact, I often feel completely unacceptable.  I can't imagine the comfort of being blissfully and peacefully comfortable with ME.  It's paired with an odd mix of uniquely confident which is just as true and genuine so I'm sure this all sounds like a complicated mess. (which could be fine since your reading about the beautiful, simple, complicated, peaceful insanity that is my life)

PROBLEM #2: I don't know where it is in me to change.  I'm not saying it's not there, I'm just saying I have no knowledge of it.  I try, I swear I try.  I feel like mush.  Like I AM mush.  I feel like the foolish man who built his house on the sand.  I build and build and then crumble cause I am only made of mush.

My to do lists are always miles long full of "busy" or "for the boy" and very little of what to do to work on me so that i can change this unacceptable status.  It's when I am truly alone that I recognize this (cause I forget in the distractions that I suppose I purposely create).

And so I am trying to form my mushy sand-like fingers into shape so that I can pull up my bootstraps.  Trying to read, ponder, pray, write, workout/find the source, work through the source, grow, change, and accept.  All I want is to accept.  And it's likely only then that I can see myself comfortable enough to ask someone else to accept me, too.

and he's off. for an 8day excursion in the mountains. doing boy stuff.

just got home.
on the way i passed by my house.
the sign is gone.
the porch light is on.
the yellow flowers in front were blowing happily in the wind.
i didn't get a call saying it was purchased as a gift to me.
it's too big for a (kind, hot, mormon) single guy (looking for a wife and a teenager) to move into.
i knew this day would come.
i did.
i shouldn't have gone inside.
i shouldn't have started decorating it and planning for it.
i shouldn't have imagined life in it.
i shouldn't have gotten the boy involved in my dreaming shenanigans.
darn.
shaking it off.
my the house has sold.

i had this done today. (it was an AWESOME bday present from mom)

among other things.

but this is still running through my feet and legs in little jolts.

it's weird, i'll admit that. BUT:

bunion pain...currently absent

arch pain...also absent

and it was followed by the best foot massage i've ever experienced.

want to know how long i was treated for today?

4hours

FOUR HOURS!

for real.

i learned so much. (although i'm not sure i retained it as much as i'm hoping...i was laying on the bed and feel like i should have been sitting up with a notebook and a pencil)

i have a little plan and am hoping to rid myself of foot pain, and weight problems, and toxins.

next monday we're beginning our alanon and alateen classes.

i took the "is alanon right for you" quiz and checked off 17 of the 20 boxes.

apparently..........YES, it's for me:) 

i had no idea the choices and patterns in my life related to these alcohol issues in my family (the one i came from and the one i created). i've been anxious to begin for a while and have found some classes that i think will be perfect for us!

i also had an energy wand treatment that i'll explain in more detail when i understand it better, but the therapist could feel a lot of vibration on the left side of my body.  apparently you store any pain you are dealing with (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.) on particular sides of your body based on gender.  like if you have a lot of pain in one side (my left bunion, my left shoulder blade, the left side of my neck where i just assumed i was out of alignment) the source is a particular gender.  that narrows it down for me to be able to identify and work through to heal. (obviously the other side would be for the other gender)  just before she told me, i was already crying (face down on the table) hard for like a half a minute and then truly the sinuses were draining because of how i was lying on the table (tears gone).  it was fascinating.  i'm still wrapping my brain around it, but it felt like a little breakthrough (she said, "oh i can tell you just really worked through something).  she was openly impressed and so i've decided to be impressed too:) so even as i sit here and feel my little jolts of electricity shooting through me, and feel anxious for my morning walk and evening yoga tomorrow, i feel crazy confident about the smidge of progress.  will you remind me of this when i forget? (like in 5minutes or something???)

the birthday wishlist.

this owl wall hanging from darlybird. 

i think it should maybe go in the classroom?

these...in black.  really in yellow and camel, too.  and i already own red.

but for now, black.  they are COMFY and adorable. 

you should put them on your wishlist, too.

love...

okay, not so realistic...and not sure that's it's wanted still. yet.

how about this house that i drool over?

this house is around the corner from the treehouse.

for the boy that means same neighborhood, same schools, same friends, same ward.

to say i am in love with the perfectness of it for my family is an understatement.

not too big, not too small, just right.

so so right.

(and beautiful)

i am obsessed with it.

i will cry really really hard when it sells.

i always look at houses.  i've been looking for a long time cause it makes me excited about life after the treehouse, and life with more space.  because of it's price i am pushing the next item on my wishlist a little harder (so such things can be possible one day).

an out of the box, possibly off the wall idea.

an ice cream truck for ms.G to drive around supplementing her teacherIncome.

lots of vintage jazzy ideas making this portable gig very urban and trendy...and teacher-y.

my wish is to pull off all the hard parts of getting this started done this summer.

we'll see what happens....in all honesty, it may end up being just another idea.

i wish i wasn't so afraid of failure and rejection.  i might be more inclined to make something of myself.

what doYOUdo to combat those feelings??

i may not land us in that house, but my hope is to be able to just have enough to take better care of us.

now i'm going to get my bday candles ready to blow and make that wish...it's right around the corner!

i'm awake.  it's about to be 1am and i'm awake.  in that same token, there is a sweet free children's art show/concert by one of my favorite children's musicians happening early in the morning and i would give anything to be snoozing so i can be fresh for that.
you might also assume that that teenage boy of mine is sleeping so that at least one of us is fresh for our outing.  but you would be wrong.  because at 7pm tonight he thought he'd try to go to bed and attempt to sleep through the night.  well he's in the shower now in hopes that the water will calm his body and mind and that he will soon find his fresh smelling self back in dreamland.  goodness i hope so.

our place here inTexas is quite rain deprived and right this very second the treehouse tree branches and leaves are blowing frantically in the wind and there is a subtle constant rumble of thunder accompanied by an occasional flash of lightning that lights up my living room.  no rain.  none.  but all signs of possibility that make it very exciting.  even as i type the thunder seems to gain more power and the tree more enthusiasm.  this would be a celebration i tell you!  i have opened my back door to soak it all in and if i could bottle the sounds and smell i would.  now there is rain.  sweet beautiful rain. sigh...

i was hoping for a more productive day, but my cute boy was able to pass off his sailingMerit badge for scouts and i finally made the vegetable soup i'd been saying i was going to make for weeks and well, there's rain.  what more could i ask for, right?
in truth, i am trying to write up a business plan.  it's hard.  and not that i'm not expecting it to be, and not that i think i am not capable of hard things....it's just hard.  after a ton of searching i finally found an example, a template, a smidge of something that resembles a business plan and wouldn't you know it was 22pages?  omg, business is grad school all over;)  i'm still trying to see if it's a model i can use to guide me.  in truth, i feel like i could write all about what i'm doing.  i feel like i have really thought through a lot of things and am anxious to fill in the gaps.  i just don't know a darn thing about business plans.  and since we (theBPlan and I) are not on familiar terms, i find myself stalling and procrastinating and such.  i was hoping for a friday deadline, but perhaps it will be next friday:)  that's okay, right?  i'll follow this 22page beast and hopefully it will help me be extra thorough.  i need a bank/grant to see my vision and totally want to help me get started.  i look awful on paper.  really awful.  but i'm not, i swear.  hence the need to think a bit out of the box and do something with my life that makes me look not so bad on paper. 

okay, okay, i'm rambling my life away.  we should lie in the dark and watch the storm. 
and then fall asleep for real,yo.

tip of my tongue.

i feel as though i am being catapulted by a motor.  a powerful motor that is sustaining me in fantastic ways.  which is a particularly nice contrast to the wind-up feeling that i use to get through the day sometimes (a lot of times).  i can't stop thinking.  i can't stop feeling.  i can't stop smiling.  i keep using the term bursting, and it could be described as such i suppose.   i am indeed bursting!

tomorrow will be an important step in a project i am working on and i'll tell you a smidge about it soon.  just a smidge though.  i am documenting the process on yet another blog, which i'll also share at a later date.  this summer is turning out to be a productive one.

you see, i've had a feeling for a while now, at least a year or two, that i am supposed to be doing more.  and it's been such a good, comfortable, REAL feeling that it simply just felt as though it perched itself at the tip of my tongue and i simply couldn't get the right words out to know WHAT i was supposed to be doing.  i've even racked many of my sweet friend's brains trying to get some familiar idea of what i was supposed to be doing from them....but with no success of course:/

then one weekend several months back i got an idea.  of course i didn't connect the two until summer began a couple of weeks ago, but perhaps that's why summer school didn't work out (my creative juices never would have had the chance to flow otherwise).  and peeps, they.are.flowing.  flowing, i tell ya!  can't wait for them to spill over the pages of this blog.  it seems as though i have found the tip of my tongue.

blessed summertime.

feeling a little on top of the world right now.
understanding my budget better but you know that already, remember?

being really strict about making the Y a priority in our day and feeling so spiritually connected to it. 

really feeling good about starting a little side job to supplement.  even feeling courageous about making it a reality rather than keeping it as a little idea.  even just found a GRANT today while i was doing my prenap reading (this is the life, i tell ya).

have been feeling really strongly to investigate a house (that makes my heart hurt) a little further.  if nothing else, maybe to just familiarize me with the process (or maybe to even learn that a house is not for me...so quit thinking about it:).  i went to the house today and after a little scare the guy called me back and told me things didn't work out with the other peeps and to go inside and check it out for myself.  i have never been more in love with a house.  for real.  i even went home immediately to get the boy and go back so we could go say a prayer inside it.  and he was equally as in love.  i mean a huge yellow bush of flowers was waving in front of the door greeting me so enthusiastically i swear it was welcoming us home!

i can't seem to go to bed before 1am, yet we are still waking up early for one reason or another.  which makes this all pan out to the most fantastic afternoon naps.  really, have i ever slept so sound?  or so peacefully?  they are bliss.  beyond bliss.

we're scheduling some of the teenagers plans to meet his basketball goals and have worked on scouts quite a bit this week.  i actually think in the midst of all this down time he's going to find that he's had a really productive summer, and i'm pretty sure he's going to feel really good about it.

yesterday we tried to run the trail at noon and i was DYING.  he was trying to encourage me in the most endearing ways and i assured him (quite logically) that i was doing my best.  that's when he brought jillian into the conversation and asked if she would stand for it...hilarious.  i couldn't help but laugh my bright red oompa loompa looking face off.

also preparing the boy for scoutCamp.  he hated it last year with all his little heart.  i'm trying to equip him in fantastic ways to at least make the hard things better and then hopefully his experience will be better.  craigslist is hookin' a girl uuuup!

he told me yesterday about a "jerk kid" he met who was making fun of one of his friends.  i told him about an adult i knew making fun of that same friend and we both vowed to be better at standing up for people. (it's the scoutSpirit after all:)  i love that heart of his.

off to make dinner and head to yoga and then take the boy to his late night rendezvous playing basketball with the men at church. see our nights pick up and that's why the nap is necessary:)

happy 13th.

the TEENAGER requested dinner at Chuy's with the Nanna & Great Grandma

they happily obliged and the 4generations had a silly, yummy, fun time

(see evidence below)

 

although i didn't capture the singers, i captured the teenager enjoying the singers

and they gifted him with a push up (seriously his favorite!!)

at which point the silliness continued (in the form of meditation??)

 

my poor grandma was sitting across from me and she was particularly victim to my paparazzi-like behavior. 
nevertheless, the outcome is hilarious....LOVEyou, Grandma!

she's probably cussing me in the last pic.

so then there was a proper cake & ice cream
 gathering of family to truly
 celebrate the boy.

he refused anything else, and I seriously had to put my foot down to even have this "gathering"
(it's NOT A PARTY...don't even suggest it or the teenager will come and stay with YOU until he's over it).

it happens to be that we live in a treehouse.

and the cute boy has a jillion immediate family members.

it was a packed house, but it was darn special.

and he LOVED it.

 

did you know my boy has a shoe obsession?

he does.

he only asked for money and basketball shoes (sounds very teenagerish, yes?).

Nanna took care of the shoes and had a cake modeled in the exact replica!

can you see the detail of the tongue?? seriously AMAZING. serious cakemakingSKILLS.

the shindig consisted of 2hrs of visiting & adoring & honoringALEC.

i'm not sure how it happened, but we did pull out the mustaches and, well.....

(you can see for yourself how hilarious that was)

 

 

 

funny funny cuteness! for real.

the evening ended with a video produced by his cute cousin sabrina of birthday messages, advice, and awesomeness. 
it was indeed a proper celebration.