Look

Can you see the stars in the skies?

The tiny dots in the vast night sky,

They hide more in their blot than your entire life condensed into one,

See how they mock you with their light?

That bright happy dot in the dark,

They have more secrets kept than you ever will have heard,

Observe how they twinkle?

That little star that you wonder about at night,

They will never wonder about anything that has anything to do with you,

Look at the stars,

Stare all you want.

They will never stare back.

Breathe

Breathe through your nose,
remember that your lungs needs air,
Oxygen;
Breathe into your lungs,
all the way in
even though it hurts;
Forget about lies,
and tears,
Forget the pain,
Don't think of anything else
but remember
to Breathe.

I realize

That I'm angry most of the time here. I'm annoyed at my marks, which never seem to be as high as I hoped it would be. I'm pissed off at the people, because they're not as nice as I wished they would be. I am angry at myself, because I don't seem to be trying hard enough. I realize that I'm angry at a lot of things, but I rather not tell you about it. Because blogs are scary. and people read.

I would tell you all about what I've been up to lately, but the people who matter should've been exposed to a healthy dose of 'Amy crapping and keeping you up to date', So I won't bother. =) For those of you who're never online. Come online!

Here's a summarized version of my rant. I have a new friend and her name's Katie. I joined a book club, consisting of 6 women. I joined a game called Humans vs Zombies and wears an orange and green bandana and spends half of my days looking for brains to nom. I have a new friend and her name is Amna. I'm not going to Philly with her because I enjoy doing nothing more than I enjoy doing something. I have bought a total of 10 books so far. My textbooks are so expensive, by the time I graduate, I've probably spent enough of books to buy a kancil. I am trying to bake cookies. Shahril is nice and will eat anything. = ) Eventually (hopefully), the cookies will start tasting better so he (and Beatrice and Kelvin and whoever eats my cookies) won't have to suffer anymore. *insert tasty false bit of gossip here and sniggers to self*

Have I mentioned how much I miss Keren? = ( I miss Keren~ She bought me a dress. One day, I will wear that dress, even though it's 7 degrees Celsius outside. I will probably die after. But it will be worth it.

Sometimes

I wonder why I'm majoring in a subject I absolutely suck at.

Yes, it's fascinating.

and it makes me happy.

Then you make me sit for a test.

and remind me that I suck.

and I wonder.

Gah.

I have to stop writing in blobs.

Fragment sentences are bad.

I seem to have lost the ability to write in length about my life (what life?).

Believe

When you don't believe in god

or the idea of heaven

or hell

and reincarnations

All the is left when you die is

nothing

I don't believe

but She does

that should be enough

for me

But it's not.

This is Just to Say

'This is Just to Say' by William Carlos Williams.

I have eaten

the plums

that were in

the icebox

and which

you were probably

saving

for breakfast

Forgive me

they were delicious

so sweet

and so cold

We were supposed to respond to this, so I used the same format, borrowed some of his words, and wrote: 

I have

the books

that were on

the table

and which

you were probably

saving

for summer

Forgive me

they were interesting

Snape died

and Gandalf lived.

We had a mini poetry session this morning. I am thoroughly enjoying my creative writing classes. We were supposed to: Write an apology for something you're not sorry about. 

So, here's me being shameless.

I'm sorry that you broke your leg

when you fell off the tree

while you were stealing my plums,

I'm sorry I did not call for help

immediately

I was laughing too hard.

Hope you enjoyed.

Hullo

It's been an awful long while since I last updated, hasn't it?

America isn't what most of us thought it would be. Perhaps we have high expectations that are beyond reach.

I am still me.

And I am still here.

Nothing much has changed.

I should refrain from blogging when I have nothing to say.

Update

I went to Singapore last week with Keren and stayed with her brother and sister. Qi Ying went with us, but decided to go back early so she'll have more time to study. Anyways, the self declared holiday was eventful, with lots of pictures (on facebook) as well as trips to well, Singapore Places. As I've been telling most people, I owe Keren and her siblings big time. >.<

I haven't been updating my blog recently, I notice, because I've been busy reading, well, stuff. Manga, fanfiction, books, Louisa's writing, and other people's blogs (cue to update). And mostly because I've gotten tired of writing. It's so easy to write things in a spur of the moment, not knowing whose feelings you've hurt in that split of a second anger, or make a total fool of yourself. Until I get rid of that insecurity and make sure I stop judging people and jumping to conclusions, or making bad choices or say the wrong things, I'll try not to put my thoughts in words for the world to see.

Thus said, I suppose it's fair to end this update with: Yien ping, Michelle, Ming Jie, Mei Yee, Tina, Flo, Adrian, and Keren (even though you're so near) I miss you guys.

Alone

Utterly and completely alone, 

Inconveniently trapped,

by norms, expectations, trusts,

people. 

Can you breath?

Sing?

Whistle? 

Rawr?

^^

We are never alone.

See, this is not an emo post! :) 

Baffled

People confuse me. Not a specific person, people in general. Everybody. Why does people have to be so confusing? Some people take kindness for granted. Some are kind to people who do not deserve it. Some people treat you like they want to be treated. Some treat you like crap and expects to be respected. How can people think they way they do?

It is like trying to understand how an animal thinks. We 're always trying to personalize things. As children, we wrote, 'Saya sebatang pencil. I am a pencil. Pemilik saya merupakan seorange pelajar darjah tiga. That's me!' as if they were creatures. We learnt about the ingenious sang kancil and his adventures. Then, we were gradually brought up to understand that they are mammals. birds. fish. reptiles. annelids. kingdom. phylum. class. order. family. genus. species. stuff. 

Animals are not easy to understand. My cat left me a dead rat by the side of my shoes, for the first time since we moved to our new house on the first day of my PMR examination. My neighbor's dog stares solemnly as his tail wagged violently in anticipation of the next meal. A stray cat would sit by the window of the roof when I had to stay up late on some nights, my silent company. A bat would fly into my old house, does it's nightly rounds, and fly out. My two cats would shift out of the house when there's a visitor, only to come back once the visitors are gone. My laptop would- nevermind.

Sometimes I wonder if people are impossible to understand. I judge people based on how they treat others. It is unfair, but it will have to do until I find a better way to understand people.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Suiying's right, I feel guilty about not cheating. It makes me feel like a horrible person. I am not one of you. I don't want to be one of you. Why can't I be one of you? Does that make any sense? How can I feel guilty about doing the right thing?! because I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do anymore. This extra edge, isn't it the same as doing research? You go out into the world and find a job. In order to obtain the job, you look for information online, ask other interviewees, do your research. Is that considered cheating? No. How about asking people who have already taken the interviews what questions were asked? Again, I believe the answer is no. Then, what is so different with asking people who have already taken the test. It's immoral. It's unfair. It's cheating. But isn't everything we're doing now, to prepare us for the world? And if the world works this way, what's fair? The world is not. Reasonings. Excuses. I still can't cheat. I may feel guilty about not cheating. But if I do cheat, I'd probably feel like a failure. Either way, I already am one. Only difference is, my stupid conscience would never let me live it down. ah. There's a word. Stupid. Amy, you idiot.

Though, it's nice to know I'm not alone. all you honest idiots (and crazy hardworking geniuses) out there, I'm bloody rooting for you!

I think I'm an

idiot.

I'm a fool hiding under the pretense of intelligence.

I'm re-evaluating life. the universe, and everything. 'm pretty sure the answer's not 42.

Won't you tell me what the answer is?

Why? why? why?

Sometimes, I wish my brain would just stop thinking.

But I suppose that's what movies, tvs, music and Terry Pratchett is for.

I also happen to be depressed at the moment. Probably for the rest of the week? Maybe?

Thanks for eating ice cream with me Beatrice, Kelvin and Mel. : )

LCCT Taxi Driver

I have a taxi driver.

The one time it was decided (for me?) that it would not fare well if I simply took the long way back (bus, ktm, bus/taxi) to the hostel, and I should take the airport taxi (prepaid, Rm64.20 in the airport), was a story worth telling by itself. Because my taxi driver was on a holiday. It is funny, how trivial things can scar you in the weirdest ways. I only remember three times when I was at the receiving end of a glare from a complete stranger. Once was when I accidentally stepped on a woman's foot in the tren and another from the taxi driver, because I did not know the way back and the last time was from a stranger who was not.

See, instead of taking me to shah alam, the taxi driver seem to have driven me to Klang, a hitherto uncharted land for me. It was almost ten by then, and he stopped his car at the side of the road, in the middle of nowhere and told me to 'get off. Get a taxi.' I was too dumbstruck to glare back, though my friends told me that's what I should have done. 'But I don't even know where I am!' I argued back. 'Call your friends,' he stated, that glare on his face, prominent. 'My friends probably aren't back yet!' I retorted, whilst in my mind, I was trying to remember friends here who own their own transportations.

'You don't know where we are. I don't know where we are. What kind of person lives in a hostel and not know their own address?' he grumbled, glaring. I was running through names. Keren should still be in Kuching. Beatrice, coming back tomorrow. Li Sia, not until Monday at least. Suiying, nah... Oh god. Is that all the people I know? In a state of panic, I called Ek Ying, my housemate. She wasn't available. 'Can you at least drive me to the town area, maybe the ktm station? Someplace where I can get a taxi?' pleading.

I never realized how huge Shah Alam was until that night. It was probably a good thing he didn't know where he was, because lost as we were, he could not find his way to the ktm station and somehow managed to find a route that I was familiar with. 'That way,' I pointed. He drove, the entire time berating my stupidity, lack of sense of direction, 'and why aren't you calling your friend?!'

It was a sin, was it? To be always lost. I have never thought it a flaw. It brought me places and sights I would never have found with a map. Also, there's GPS.

I lead him onwards to the hostel. Remember the masjid near the hostel? He stopped the car there, turned around and resumed glaring at me. 'I thought you said we were near?' a stranger. He was a complete stranger. An old taxi driver. I could fight him off. But my luggage! All my stuff! 'Get off, call your friend to come get you,' he pursued. I don't. I don't have many friends, do I? I wanted to get off. I honestly did. 'It's just at the corner!' I said, pointing at the faint outline of the Akasia building. He reluctantly started the engine and drove me over.

I remember scampering out of the taxi and pulling my luggages out from the trunk as he stood there and glared. My luggage, which had chose that trip to break apart, fell onto the ground as I stood there and thanked the taxi driver. Because I'm a doormat and people walk all over me without feeling guilty. He sped off without another word as I pulled my luggage into a standing position. I took a moment to find my student id and another to compose myself. It took me a moment to realize I was happy to be back in Akasia.

I have a taxi driver. Next time he's on holidays, I'm taking the bus. Or I'll walk. Yeah. Walking's good.

Alice- sorry. Johnny Depp in Wonderland

I made an effort to go and watch the movie in 3D. I was even ready to settle for 2D! But Sunway pyramid had all their tickets booked. And Summit stank of cigarette smoke, plus Beatrice says it's dangerous to be in Summit.

So I did not get to watch Johnny Depp in Wonderland.

Goodbye, Mad-hatter.

So long, White Queen.

Apologies, Tim Burton.

I shall await your DVD with half-hearted enthusiasm.

: (

Travelling

I sometimes travel alone.

I rather enjoy travelling alone.

I don't have to pretend to be anyone else when I am alone, because strangers on the road do not expect anything of me.

I can not smile.

I can not make eye contact.

I can ignore people without being rude.

I go places I want to go.

Or stay in one place for no particular reason.

I eat things I want to eat.

Or not eat at all.

I buy things I want to buy.

Or things I do not want to buy.

I see things I want to see.

I talk to strangers because I can.

I stare because I'm allowed to.

I ponder about the weirdest things.

And frown.

Grin.

Chuckle.

I am a little crazy when I travel alone.

And stupid.

I make rash decisions.

I don't think.

I act.

And sometimes I don't tell people even though I should.

Sometimes, I travel alone when I am grumpy.

Because I need to walk it off.

I walk and walk and walk.

I meet the weirdest bunch of people when I travel alone.

I make fleeting friends.

I talk to random strangers.

and ask everyone for directions.

because I am always lost.

I help and thank people.

and I get thanked by random people.

I smile, sometimes, to people.

I eavesdrop.

I listen.

I observe.

I learn.

Sometimes I travel alone.

Sometimes I travel with a friend.

Mostly, I just travel.

Because I can.

A Romantic Love Story

Love stories sometimes centers around a young woman and an older man, falling desperately and madly in love.

She’s from a faraway place, and misses her family dearly. She clings on to the man, him being the only person she treasures in this exotic and unknown land.

He comes from a loveless marriage and stays with his wife due to obligation to their children. He has never felt this way about anyone before.

They can’t be together.

She came to work, to ensure a better future for her little brothers and sisters. She has to advance. She needs to advance. Better pay is vital.

He came to work, to provide a living for his family. His wife is expecting. Their third.

They can’t not be together.

He is hopelessly in love. He sees her ocean blue eyes in the rain, phantoms her red lips on strangers, hears her voice in the radio, smells her perfume in a bakery, feels her presence in his home…

She can’t think of anything else. Her work unprogressive, her family ungrateful, her life bleak, her emotions chaotic… she thinks of nothing except his whispers of undying love.

In the midst of their unsure love, they decide to elope.

Oh. And live happily ever after.

She waited for a call that never came. Her children were little and playful, asking more of her than she is able to spare. On Saturday, she baked cakes, played with the children, and mended trousers. On Sunday she bundled her second, held onto the little hands of her oldest and drove to church. The priest prayed for her third to be a good birth. Amen. Her children laughed and played in the back seat of her pickup as she drove home. Come Monday, she bought supplies for the week and treated her children to a rare bar of chocolate. She read them to sleep, ‘and they lived happily ever after…’ On Tuesday she went to the bank and asked the clerk the same question she had been asking for the past three weeks, only to be met by an annoyed glare and a short, ‘none, ma’am.’

Her car broke down half way home. She removed her car keys gingerly, took out her phone and dialed the mechanic, only to be greeted by a flat dial tone. She got through the third time and was promised help in thirty minutes.

While waiting for the town mechanic to come, she sat by the side of the road and wept.

They waited for the money that never came. ‘She’s fine,’ the mother assured the father and vice versa. The brothers and sisters asked repetitively where their older playmate had gone but received no answer. ‘We shouldn’t have sent her to the city,’ they heard mother whisper. ‘She wanted to help,’ their father responded from his rickety office chair, marking student’s exercises. ‘But we shouldn’t have-‘ mother argued, chopping the carrots with more malice than they deserve. ‘Do you think…’

‘Sister’s fine,’ the brother was the one who answered this time, not even looking up from his homework.

They reassured each other and kept writing her letters reporting from home whilst waiting for their daughter and sister to return.

They waited for the money that never came.

I got bored. I'm sorry.

Sometimes I Forget

to thank people.

So here's a bunch of thank yous for you important people who actually bother reading.

In no order whatsoever:

Thank you, Keren, for the wonderful weekend. Sorry for err... dinner. ><

Thank you, Beatrice, for the Vitamin C and staying out with me the entire lunch break. Can't thank you enough.

Thank you, Louisa, for caring.

Thank you, friends.

Thank you, Yien Ying, for finding me.

Hmm... Since I'm already at it...

Thank you, lecturers, for the wonderful lessons.

Thank you, Sun, for being there. (and drying my clothes)

Thank you, clouds.

Thank you, mom and dad, for obvious reasons.

Thank you, my dear sisters.

Thank you, God. If you exist...somewhere...somehow.

Thank you, World.

Thank you, Terry Pratchett.

Thank you, other authors of great books. I'll get my hands on them. someday.

Thank you, JPA.

Thank you, @#$#ing headache.

I would be doing something more productive if it weren't for you.

说不出口

我不明白。

我是对他不够好吗？

还是太好了？

我平时不在意。

可 是。。。

我真的累了。也没钱了。

真的该学学说，‘不行。够了。 不要。’

我不明白。

他是故意的吗？

还是真的忘了？

‘可以吗？’

‘不行。’

‘我真的没钱了。你自己买，可以吗？’

Because Some things Should Not be Forgotten

The truck rumbled as it was forced onto another trip home. The seat was uncomfortable and the company even more so. Amidst the awkward silence, he spoke.

你幸福吗？

It was a weird question and I had no qualms in saying so, 好奇怪的问题。

你开心吗？he continued on.

The silence was even more overbearing when someone’s expecting an answer. I decided to humour him, 算是吧。

我很幸福。

Really? At my expense? I chuckled good humouredly,我没问。

你呢？幸福吗？he repeated this question like a mantra.

还好啦。Always the same answer.

不幸福吗？为什么？

不知道。Maybe it’s you.

你要写故事吗？ Were you spying?

I decided scribbles didn’t count. 以前有。

现在呢？persistent.

不写了。

为什么？

没心写了吧。 你呢？

有时。

I was secretly overjoyed when I started taking a bus.

是真的吗？with barely hidden contempt and eyes full of hate.

I nodded.

A Dedication for 2010

Because it's such a nice number.

The holidays were fun.

I got to hang out with Tina and Flo and Keren and li. (<- incorrect use of conjunction 'and')

Watched Avatar with my family. Twice.

Saw the effects of last, last year's fire on my school. :(

Enjoyed lots and lots my mom's cooking.

School starting is a definite setback.

All the lecturers this semester seems promising though. ^^

I found my Sarikei friends on facebook. (suiying: They have facebook in Sarikei?)

I have a good feeling about this year. ^^

Good luck everyone! Happy 2010!

err... roar~?

Hmm... should've bought the venus fly trap. ^^