doc + days

so, at the beginning of august i had a doctor's appointment. the one where we were to chat with the doc about the next step, our options, yadayadayada. luckily, i heard what i wanted to hear: start trying again. it's exactly what i was hoping for. it also terrified me to my very core. trying again after a miscarriage is always so hard for me. this time, i'm ready. i really am. 

i have hard days that really rock me to the core. i question everything about myself and i'm too tired to even care. it's a constant battle that exhausts me. on those bad days, it's all i can do to just keep brooklyn fed and alive. i'm happy to report that those bad days are few and far between. i have a great husband who is constantly reminding me about my many blessings and the great life that i have. it's all true. all of it. remembering that can be really hard sometimes. ugh. and then i feel guilty because i really do have so much to smile about. 

but isn't it ok to have a bad day? i really think it is. i need it to appreciate the good. i don't like having bad days, but i love the feeling of a good one right after. i let myself have a bad day. or half a day at least. i try to whittle my way out of it so that i can be a good happy mom for the rest of the day. please tell me this is normal. i'm letting myself think it is. those are the days that i just want a large diet coke and some hot fries. it only makes me feel better for a minute but i'll take it. 

so, bring it on wednesday. i'm ready and waiting with a toddler in the wings lookin' for a fun time (and a happy mommy).

h a p p y  h u m p  d a y 

when it rains...

ahh... life has been both good and hard the last month and a half. good because i have so much to be thankful for and truly am so blessed. i'm spoiled with blessings. i couldn't count them if i tried. hard because, well, gosh darn it, after a miscarriage my emotions and hormones get the better of me. some days i feel like i'm totally whole again and i feel like i could take on anything that came my way. 

other days, i hardly have the motivation to get out of bed. those days are hard. but thank goodness for that little toddler of mine. without her, i don't think i'd get out of bed. she gives me a reason to get up, fix breakfast (or dinner as she calls it), and go on with my day. but believe me, she'd fix herself breakfast if she could. i'm beyond grateful that she can't. 

on those hard days, i've started setting goals for myself. because let's face it, i'm competitive, even against myself. i try to accomplish more or be more happy than i was on my last hard day. this is not easy. especially when i've set the goal to bake something once a week, and thursday comes, and i just want to sit around and watch movies or lost (i love lost) all day. i'll tell myself i'm not doing it, that i don't care about a stupid goal. that baking can just shove it. but... i cave. and thank goodness. it makes me feel better. even though i am not a baker. i want to be. it's just hard. much harder than cooking. that's why i stick to my few basic go-to recipes and try not to stray from them too often. but accomplishing those small goals help me survive my day.

i often think that in years to come, i'll look back on this time of my life and laugh, maybe. hopefully i'll be able to see that i was being blessed and that the plan for me was being laid out just as it should be. gosh i sure hope so. i hope in ten years i don't look back on this time and still cry about it. i really hope not. 

i'm really trying to kick those bad days really hard in the behind. i don't like having bad days. i like when i can wake up happy and positive. positive that a baby will be on it's way to our family shortly. i also like when i can wake up and just be ok with how things are right now. because i'm blessed. so blessed. the saying, "when it rains, it pours", could definitely take on a positive spin when talking about all the blessings i have. i have blessings being poured down on me. bucket loads. and for that, i couldn't be happier. 

and that toddler of mine definitely makes it a little easier.

-

-

-

the pictures above were taken by james last night while we watched the lightening show all over the sky. we wanted it to rain. brooklyn even did a little rain dance but to no avail. it was cute nonetheless. 

this last picture is of brooklyn hugging her most favorite neighbor boy before he had to go in and go to bed. isn't that sweet? can't wait for them to see it when they're sixteen. mostly brooklyn though, she is the one in a diaper after all. so modest isn't she?

some happy pictures for a sad post.

(chels and i having a great time @ dinner friday night) 

(a corner at pirate o's dedicated to bacon)

as a teacher, my worst fear was having to come face to face with an intruder in my classroom. would i try to defend myself? would i have a brilliant place to hide all of my students? what would i do?  i became obsessed with 'school intruders' when i was very young. my grandma told me her real life story of being a teacher in the cokeville, wy elementary school bombing in 1986. i was obsessed with it. i wanted to see the classroom it happened in. i wanted to hear every detail. it scared me to the very innards of my soul. it chilled my bones. but i wanted to know about it. i thought about it. i dreamt about it. 

the same thing happened to me when columbine happened. and again with virginia tech. i was in college when that happened and i didn't go to class for two days because i didn't feel safe on campus. all of these instances left me feeling sick, scared, helpless, and overall just terrible. 

friday morning when i heard about the shooting in connecticut, i was heart broken. i was physically sick. i couldn't stop thinking about it. i thought about all of my past students and my heart ached. it ached for them and for those in sandy hook elementary school. no child should have to be afraid at school. school is supposed to be a safe place. i can honestly say i've thought about more than 90% of the 150 students i had as a kindergarten teacher and i have prayed for them. i hope they aren't afraid. and more importantly, i hope they're safe at school. always. 

i squeezed brooklyn extra tight and gave her lots of extra kisses as the next few days unfolded. i didn't want to miss a second. i couldn't help but feel guilty that i was holding my child and forty parents in connecticut are without theirs this holiday season. i can't bear it. a dear friend of mine lost her baby only months ago and that tore my heart in two. the sadness. the pain. feelings i can not comprehend. i want to give them my heart. to fix their broken ones. i feel such love for them that i can't even describe. there will be a special place in heaven for those parents who have lost their little ones. and most definitely there will be a special place for those little angels who were taken from this earth much too soon. my prayers are with them all this christmas.