3 Weeks Post Miscarriage

Well.

It has been 3 weeks since I induced miscarriage. I am still spotting very lightly. I've had one beta since the miscarriage to monitor my hcg levels. I took an hpt last night because my breasts were feeling sore and it was still very positive (It is amazing how 2 lines on a pregnancy test still takes my breath away).

This worries me some and brings back memories of the bloody summer and the bump.

According to Pregnancy Loss Info, my hcg levels should be near zero by now. With my first miscarriage, the one that went as miscarriages are supposed to, my hcg levels were zero by 4 weeks and my first period returned by 6 weeks post-miscarriage. Last night, my positive hpt looked like the levels could still be in the one thousands. And what is up with sore breasts? 

I left a message (again) with the nurse at my midwife's practice so that they can order another beta. Yep, still miss the RE's office in times like these.

Misoprostol and Miscarriage #3

--> (note: it's miscarriage #3 if you don't count the chemical pregnancy I had way back in my IUI days.)

We decided to use the drug Misoprostol to complete this miscarriage. We could plan around it, set aside time, and not have another huge hospital bill (We paid $8 for the prescription). I was nervous about being 9.5 + weeks because misoprostol is most effective before 8 weeks, but the alternatives are just as nerve wracking, right? And this way I can say that I have experienced all three options for completing a miscarriage: waiting for a natural miscarriage, a natural miscarriage that later required a d&c, and now, the drug.

Ha, what am I bragging about, exactly?

Right. Miscarriage. F and I decided that an overnight miscarriage would be the least disruptive for Baby G. F could make sure I was doing okay and Baby G could sleep right through it. Our breastfeeding routine would not be disrupted either.

I was prescribed four doses of 400 mcg to be administered vaginally every four hours. I've heard many stories of nausea, vomiting and diarrhea with misoprostol when taken orally so I actually requested the vaginal route.

The following is my experience with Misoprostol:

6:45pm: took first dose

8:30pm: mildly crampy.

10:45 pm: red blood. Take 2^nd dose with 200 mg of ibuprofen. Set my alarm for 2:45 am. Go to bed.

2:45am: bleeding has progressed to period-like flow. Mild cramping. Take third dose with another 200 mg of ibuprofen. Go back to bed.

3:30am: Contractions begin. Take another 200 mg of ibuprofen.

4:00am: decide to get up and move around through contractions. Feel a GUSH (very similar to what my water breaking felt like). Soak a pad. Sat on the toilet and passed some clots/tissue. Contractions stopped (or ibuprofen kicked in).

4:30am-6:00 am: cramps, heavy bleeding and passing tissue. HOLY CRAP.

6:45am: everything seems to have passed. Take the last dose of 400 mcg misoprostol with 200 mg of ibuprofen. Eat a little. Go back to bed.

10:30am: period like bleeding. Feel a little crampy and weak. Take an iron pill and drink a glass of orange juice. Take a shower.

Mildly crampy on and off throughout the day, just like a period. By evening I was feeling much better.

Everything seems to be okay. I went in for a follow up exam with my midwife and my uterus is "a little boggy but not full" (???). We'll start monitoring my Bhcg levels next week. I'm still bleeding as if I'm having a period and so far haven't seen any clots that would indicate an incomplete miscarriage. Fingers crossed. I hope to return to normal very soon.

Being pregnant already seems like a weird dream. I guess I just feel relieved that what's over is over and we can move on. 

Making Sense of Things

To say that this pregnancy and miscarriage has thrown us for a loop is an understatement. I don't really know what to feel. We have questions. We have decisions to make.

I feel disappointed, sad, and betrayed to be in this place again. Waiting to miscarry. Monitoring a decrease in Bhcg levels.

A natural pregnancy, a second baby: what a nice thought. What a fantasy. I am so angry.

Unlike my other losses, which occurred very early and were found at the 6-7 week ultrasound in my RE's office, I felt more of a connection to this pregnancy. I was starting to show. I had nausea (what I always begged for with Baby G)! There was a tiny, yet baby-formed being on screen. And I can't help but feel like something happened, or could have been prevented, something maybe I did when I didn't know I was pregnant. My experience tells me this is not the case, as it so rarely is in pregnancy loss, yet....

At the same time, I feel dumbfounded by a spontaneous pregnancy. What does this mean? Was it just a fluke? Will I be able to get pregnant on my own again? Do I want to? Am I hopeful (naive)? How many miscarriages am I willing to suffer through?

We convinced ourselves during the few weeks we thought we were having another baby that a second child would be wonderful (hard with an 18 month old, but wonderful nonetheless). The life we were starting to imagine ourselves living has been ripped away from us just as we were beginning to embrace it, and it has left us confused about what we want. I feel like Baby G has lost a sibling and I have this sadness about him being an only child that I've never felt before.

We still need to decide how to proceed with the miscarriage. I cannot wait a month for a natural miscarriage again. This time I need to have more control over when it happens.  I talk to my midwife on Tuesday but I am leaning toward trying misoprostol first and then going in for a d&c if necessary. I kind of wish I could call my RE. I miss them right now.

Thank you for being here. I am so grateful for the comments and the visits I have received. I did not expect anyone to still be reading.

Ultrasound Results

It is so weird to type another post with that title now. I never expected to be here again. Yet here we are.

The ultrasound tech took some measurements but wasn't saying much at all. I couldn't see the screen at that point but I did not have a good feeling. She told us, "I am just measuring the length of the baby." And then she said 9.5 weeks and asked if that sounded right. It didn't. There is no way I could only be 9.5 weeks. I asked if there was a heartbeat because we still couldn't see the screen.

There was no heartbeat. She asked if we wanted to see and we said yes. I can still see it.

Like I said, I never expected to be here again. Now 'here' is deciding how to have another miscarriage again.

Speechless. Shocked. The Story Continues?

Um, hi.

I'm back? I've been debating whether or not to return here and share this, but it seems a bit disingenuous and makes this blog and my story incomplete to exclude what I am about to tell you.

So. I found out while we were on vacation that............I'm pregnant.

The thing is, I'm not sure how pregnant I actually am. Or if this pregnancy is even viable. I took an hpt two weeks ago after feeling nauseated and tired for over a week. And that line was very dark. My best guess based on when my symptoms started and timing, etc, is that I am somewhere around 11 weeks right now. I'm starting to feel better. I am starting to show.

F and I are in total shock. Baby G just turned one. We never planned on more than one. At the same time I am in awe, excited, grateful, confused and so many other things.

We have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday. We are hopeful but we still carry our infertility with us.