"Don't You Ever Talk That Way About Your Eggs!"

I have a friend who says silly things.

Sometimes it is her insensitivity and bad listening skills. Sometimes it is her personal philosophical understandings of the way the universe works. Sometimes it is her just her naivete. I love her, but when I share my issues and life with her, I end up having to explain infertility 101 over and over each time we talk. This is the friend who, when I first told her about my year and a half struggle with infertility, said, "Well, maybe it just means that now is not the right time." I said a year and a half struggle.

A year later we are in the pool talking about kids when she offered me her daughter as a joke (you know the one where parents say something like, "You really want kids? Here, take mine!) So I replied, "Be careful what you offer, you know what they say about Infertiles--we'll steal your children!"

Her response? "What?! Infertile?! Who said you are infertile?"

Dear Friend, do I really have to take you through this again?

She reminds me of just how little people actually know or think about infertility. Even when those who are close to them are experiencing it. I don't talk about it alot with her ( for the reasons mentioned at the beginning of this post), but she is my oldest friend. I've learned over the years since we've been adults to lower my expectations about what kind of support she can give, so I don't get hurt anymore.

Instead of disappointing me (well, I guess I will always feel a little disappointment), the silly things she says just accumulate in the humor section of this journey.

This section contains comments from her such as:

Well, maybe you and F just aren't genetically compatible. You are very similar.
Don't you ever talk that way about your eggs! Your eggs are strong and fertile and just waiting for the one that is meant to lead to your child.
You had a miscarriage? See, you're not infertile! That shows that your uterus knows exactly what to do and is just waiting for the right baby.
Your body must still be healing.
Maybe I am infertile, too. Boyfriend and I have not been careful at all about protection lately.
Maybe I had a miscarriage, too.

And I am not kidding about the last two.

Antral Follicle Counts

Do you record all the data for each cycle? Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier not to know any of the numbers or measurements or counts and just rely on the RE's statements like, "There is your right ovary...beautiful..."

Beautiful is good. But.

I am a list maker and like to record, and I want to know everything I can about what the data from each cycle means, even if I stay up until 1 am reading all I can about the predicted success of a cycle based on antral follicle counts (even though the data is for IVF patients). Even if it is the same text I read after my last baseline scan. Only this time I had a count of 18 follicles resting on my ovaries, compared to 11 last time. So I read everything all over again. I went from the fair category to the good category (as shown here)

So I guess "beautiful" can be translated to mean 'good,' and I should just take that information, cross my fingers and be satisfied.

What do you do with the information given to you during your cycle?

First Injection

I held a roll of flesh and stared at the needle for thirty minutes. I had the camera aimed at my belly as well, so F could watch the injection via skype. He told me I could do it. My skin suddenly seemed so impenetrable, thick and tough as to break the needle. I didn't think it was going to hurt, I just didn't think it was going to be possible. I practiced on a plum last minute.

Okay, that was easy. Sheesh. Silly.

Infertility seems to have its own series of initiations. The semen collection room, the HSG, the transvaginal ultrasound, the first injection.

You know what? You are, we are, and now I am, too, BRAVE.

We are very brave. Self-congratulations and welcome back to the club.

Jill's Infertility Document Reaches One Year

And I am back, after much deliberation. I have spent the entire morning and early afternoon debating whether or not to sign in to blogger and write a post, some thoughts verged on never signing in again. This break was much needed, and as much as I love following the journeys of my fellow iffers and sharing my experiences and support, I have dreaded this reinstatement to the land of IF. I have returned from visiting family and my brother. I waited 3 days since my return to call the Fertility Center, 4 days to google my favorite infertility blogs, and finally, 5 days since my return to sign in.

Here I am. I have a lot of catching up to do. I will begin by giving an update on my treatment.

4 months ago, F and I decided we were not comfortable with the risks of multiples that go along with injectable gonadotropins and IUI. We planned on one more clomid + IUI this summer and then to begin the IVF process this fall.

Well...

Maybe it is cold feet, maybe it is utter disappointment with clomid, maybe it is that infertility treatment feels like a gamble no matter what path you choose, but the closer it came to another clomid cycle, the more inadequate and inefficient my treatment seemed. Yet, jumping from clomid to IVF seemed like a huge distance to cross, even if it had been a year in time. I simply felt like we were skipping a possible success. Decisions are so difficult. What if we could get pregnant with just one round of injectables?

So we are changing our plan and gearing up for an injectables cycle with IUI.

We have been economical in our choices in the past, because money is a big issue for us and fertility medications are expensive. After adding up costs with the nurse, we decided on IVFmeds.com. Instead of paying $2000 at a pharmacy in the US, we will pay $700 (plus needles and syringes) for a generic HMG (human menopausal gonadotropin) from Europe. Additional savings comes with a sacrifice: these are intramuscular injections. The vials for I/M medications are $18.75 each, compared to $38.75 for sub-cutaneous. I hope this painful choice is worth the $500 it saves.

I do not know much about medications yet, but it seems that most patients take Follistim or Gonal-F, which are FSH only, rather than HMG like Repronex or Menopur that contain both FSH and LH. Maybe I am wrong? I am trying not to question what medication Dr. A has decided on. Of course the questions begin to form after the medications were prescribed and ordered. Honestly, I did not realize that there were differences, that some REs do not use LH to stimulate follicles, that sometimes synthetic hormones make a difference, or maybe they do not. It is amazing that you can still feel like a tiny rookie a year into treatment. I hate that I missed asking an important question. Was the decision based on my diagnosis and outcomes so far or was it based on finances? What is the difference? Does Dr A always use HMGs as opposed to rFSH?

Meanwhile, I will not worry about the medication, will not compare my treatment to others' treatment, will stop googling generic HMG, Menopur or Repronex. Feel free to share your thoughts though, and medications that you used, if I still have any readers! Also, if you know of a good resource that breaks down all the fertility medications and how/why they are used, please share the link.

One year ago I started this blog. Happy Anniversary?