I have disappeared as of late. It has been 24 days since my last post. I stopped commenting and checking blogs, though I still think of you often.
There has been another natural cycle that did not end in pregnancy, and then a family emergency that has made my infertility less urgent, put treatment on the back burner, in postponement. We have decisions to make, but we will make them later. There is time. I will blog more, and comment more later, maybe in a month or so. I need to take my time.
I am actually in a good place, this place of not thinking so much about not being pregnant, despite the event in which my brother almost killed himself. Instead of checking the blogs, I call my mom for updates, text my brother, as he still cannot speak, to keep his spirits up, update friends and wait for my temporary job to end so I can go be with my family, with my brother.
Things happen outside of our bodies that derail our efforts to get pregnant. Sometimes we barely notice, sometimes it ends up letting us off the hook, in a way. That is how I feel, like this tragedy has let me off the hook for a while. There are other things to think about.
Meanwhile, today I cheered F on as he ran a 10k in the rain. Then the sun came out and we finished our garden beds; the earth looked fertile. My cheeks are rosy from the sun. I came in the house this evening with dirt on my knees and opened up a bottle of beer. It was effortless, I didn't hesitate. Things really are okay.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I'm friends with my RE on Facebook?
Not really. I am friends with the clinic where I had my second opinion consult back in March, with Dr. H who will be Re #2 for IVF, if it comes to that, in the fall. Their posts manly consist of their running tally of IVF births, news coverage of the clinic, including top success rates, interviews with the doctors and other media, as well as posts by patients expressing gratitude and gushing about how wonderful the clinic and staff is (and having to remind the clinic that it was National Infertility Awareness Week!).
It took me 2 months to build up the courage to send the friend request after finding out from their website that they were on fb. What if someone sees that Jill is now friends with a fertility clinic and 3 other people? You can delete that information from appearing on your profile page and the news feed so I sent the request last week, hoping to be sneaky. It just so happened to coincide with NIAW, when we are supposed to use social networking sites to raise awareness about infertility. That I was now friends with a fertility clinic also happened to coincide with a few other friend confirmed friend requests. My profile page read, Jill is now friends with Stacey Shaw and 5 other people, in which one of the 5 other people was the clinic. Unless people were so curious as to click on 5 other people, they would not see fertility clinic. So, in honor of NIAW, I decided not to delete from view the news that I was now friends with a fertility clinic. Courageous, huh? Well, we do what we can.
Last summer I wrote a post about why I choose to keep my infertility relatively private, and one way that F and I can both be advocates for ourselves and this disease while maintaining privacy. Almost a year later I still struggle with the same questions, with my silence. We have told a few more people since then, mostly family, and have talked more about it with family since starting treatments. But I still cannot imagine posting a status update about infertility. I have read many of the insensitive comments our community has received last week as a result and I just don't think it is worth the heartbreak we endure from acquaintances and so called friends. If you go to Resolve's facebook page you will see who in your friends list also likes that page. I have one friend who also likes Resolve, just one out of close to 300 people. If 1 in 8 couples struggles with infertility, where are the 37 other friends?
An interesting thing I have noticed that has happened since talking more with family about treatment is that they are the ones that go out and talk about infertility with their friends. I actually love when I hear my mom say, "I was talking to my friend Diane about how expensive infertility treatment is and she was just shocked that couples are forced to do things like sell their homes and spend their savings." or "My friend Barbara called me the other day and told me to DVR Oprah because that amazing story about the 60 year-old Mother who was a surrogate for her daughter's baby was going to be on." I know this means that my mom is talking to her friends not only about infertility, but about my infertility, and this is ok with me. I know it is not gossip, I know that it means that my mom has sought support from her friends because infertility affects her, too. And if her friends then go out and talk about "how we hear about more and more people struggling with infertility, like my friend's daughter...," well, that is just as, if not more, satisfying to me as posting a status update about NIAW on facebook. Let someone else have that argument for me.
It took me 2 months to build up the courage to send the friend request after finding out from their website that they were on fb. What if someone sees that Jill is now friends with a fertility clinic and 3 other people? You can delete that information from appearing on your profile page and the news feed so I sent the request last week, hoping to be sneaky. It just so happened to coincide with NIAW, when we are supposed to use social networking sites to raise awareness about infertility. That I was now friends with a fertility clinic also happened to coincide with a few other friend confirmed friend requests. My profile page read, Jill is now friends with Stacey Shaw and 5 other people, in which one of the 5 other people was the clinic. Unless people were so curious as to click on 5 other people, they would not see fertility clinic. So, in honor of NIAW, I decided not to delete from view the news that I was now friends with a fertility clinic. Courageous, huh? Well, we do what we can.
Last summer I wrote a post about why I choose to keep my infertility relatively private, and one way that F and I can both be advocates for ourselves and this disease while maintaining privacy. Almost a year later I still struggle with the same questions, with my silence. We have told a few more people since then, mostly family, and have talked more about it with family since starting treatments. But I still cannot imagine posting a status update about infertility. I have read many of the insensitive comments our community has received last week as a result and I just don't think it is worth the heartbreak we endure from acquaintances and so called friends. If you go to Resolve's facebook page you will see who in your friends list also likes that page. I have one friend who also likes Resolve, just one out of close to 300 people. If 1 in 8 couples struggles with infertility, where are the 37 other friends?
An interesting thing I have noticed that has happened since talking more with family about treatment is that they are the ones that go out and talk about infertility with their friends. I actually love when I hear my mom say, "I was talking to my friend Diane about how expensive infertility treatment is and she was just shocked that couples are forced to do things like sell their homes and spend their savings." or "My friend Barbara called me the other day and told me to DVR Oprah because that amazing story about the 60 year-old Mother who was a surrogate for her daughter's baby was going to be on." I know this means that my mom is talking to her friends not only about infertility, but about my infertility, and this is ok with me. I know it is not gossip, I know that it means that my mom has sought support from her friends because infertility affects her, too. And if her friends then go out and talk about "how we hear about more and more people struggling with infertility, like my friend's daughter...," well, that is just as, if not more, satisfying to me as posting a status update about NIAW on facebook. Let someone else have that argument for me.
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