Gods Plan Not Mine

My little boy Wiley James was born 12/14/12 @ 6:31 am weighing 7lb 7oz & 21" long!  He was my second planned homebirth.  He is an absolute joy & I still can't believe he's here!

He was due 12/8 & everyone thought he was going to be early, but than the whole tooth debacle occurred & put a halt on all pregnancy related symptoms.  It was crazy.  No more bh contractions, indigestion or anything!  As tough as it was to go over, I am grateful my body knew what I could handle.  My mom came in to town on 12/1 & was in town until 12/14 (yes the day Wiley was born) when she was due to leave @ noon.  When I went to bed on 12/13, I was so discouraged my mom wouldn't get to see the birth.  She was there for Addy's so it seemed so wrong she wouldn't be for this one.  Especially after spending 2 whole weeks!!

Once the date passed & I was no longer in constant pain w/my tooth, I started trying ways to get labor going.  I am not big on self induction prior to 40 wks & there are very limited things I would do.  So basically I bounced on a ball, walked all over dodge & did the deed w/hubby as often as my poor tired body would allow.  About 2 days prior to his birth, I started feeling pregnant again.  I was achy, swollen, had heartburn & finally started getting bh contractions again.  The night before my mom was due to leave, we tried doing the deed again.  That was about 10:30.  I fell asleep right after & woke @ 1am w/real contractions.  I really wasn't sure, so I stayed in bed trying to sleep for the next hour.  I was able to snooze on & off, but came to the conclusion this was definitely it.  Sex worked & my mom hadn't left yet!  I woke hubby to tell him but said to go back to sleep, called my doula & midwife to let them know & hopped in the shower.  I got out & tried to rest a bit more but things were really picking up.  At 3am I couldn't handle the pain alone anymore, so I woke hubby & he came in to the living room w/me & helped me through contractions.  They were anywhere between 3-5 min apart but picking up in intensity.  Hubby called the doula & midwife when he had gotten up so they were on their way but both lived a decent distance.  When I had Addy it was about 19hrs of labor so we figured we had time.  As things picked up, hubby wanted to get a fire going & set up the pool, so we woke my mom up @ 4am & she than labored w/me the next hour.  She was doing her best to help, but in typical mom fashion she was too busy timing my contractions & stressing about how close together they were to really help.

My doula arrived around 5am & my midwife was only a couple minutes behind.  My doula was an absolute dream.  My whole birthing team was amazing!!  There was so much trust between us all & I can not praise them enough.  As the pool filled up, I labored on the ball.  I complained that my water hadn't broken & my midwife told me not to stress as it really meant nothing.  If anything, it was better it didn't too early.  Not more than 10min later my water broke!!  It felt great when it happened but oh my word the contractions afterwards are a different story!!!  Thankfully the pool was full & I was able to climb in.  I would say it was about 5:30 at this point.  At first the pool made me feel great & relieved a lot of pain.  But as the contractions got closer & longer, I was having a hard time gaining control.  Only about 20 min in I started to feel the urge to push.  I couldn't believe things were going so fast.  But w/Addy I had gotten to this pt w/relative ease (it was about 12-14 hrs) & than she got stuck for 5 very long hours.  So I tried to remain positive as I knew negative or fearful thoughts could slow things down.  I tried 2 different positions but was starting to get discouraged as I was pushing but felt nothing was happening.  My midwife suggested the birthing stool & although I had NO desire to move, I had already decided that I wanted to try more positions than I did w/Addy.  So I got up & sat on the stool & as unbelievably uncomfortable as the thing was, the position really allowed me to feel more in control.  I don't know if it was the leverage it provided or just the gravity working, but I was able to focus so much more.  Only about 5 min in, I felt Wiley start to crown.  I was able to really meditate between & breath & was so much better able to push.  After only 20 min my gorgeous son was born.  All in all it was 5.5 hours w/only 3.5 being active labor!!!  It was incredibly intense but w/my hubby & doulas support, I did better than I ever imagined I could.

I did have a tear that required 9 stitches but I am feeling really really good.  My little man has his days & nights confused right now which is making for a very sleepy mommy & daddy.  Adelyn is head over heels in love w/her baby brother & is such a mom to him.  However, she is not thrilled w/the attention he is getting from us and we are dealing w/some acting out.  I know this is normal but I am feeling very guilty.  She is usually such a good girl, so it is tough to see her act this way.  Luckily, her daddy is an amazing person & has been working so hard at making sure she knows we still love her just as much while I'm busy with Wiley! 

At the birth, the assistant midwives daughter came to take pictures as per our request.  We haven't gotten all them yet but she did send us some sample shots that I absolutely love.  So I will share them.  

One tired but very proud Mama! My gorgeous family Proud big sister!!! And here is our little man Wiley James

Figured I'd give a quick update.  I am now 4 days passed my due date & am doing my best to remain optimistic.  The truth is I feel great physically.  I'm still sleeping well & my little man is healthy & well.  But oh the emotional aspect is a doozy!  I've done my research & I know that there is nothing wrong w/waiting.  However, no one else has & the pressure is immense!  My mom has been here since 12/1 & leaves on Fri.  So I hear every 2 min how sad she is or how bad she wishes she could be here.  I get it.  I'm so beyond bummed she won't be.  But what can I do about it???  And if one more person asks me if I'm going to get induced I might scream!!!!  I know they mean well but I'm so done explaining why I'm not & getting looked at like a crackhead.  To each their own.  I'd never put my son at risk & TO ME induction is more of a risk at this point than waiting.  I'm only 4 days!!  But each day feels like 3 I tell ya. 

So the plan as of now is to wait til my next appt on Mon (41+2 wks) & get a biophysical profile sono to make sure he is healthy, fluid is good & placenta is doing what it should.  I truly hope I don't make it that far but if I do, I trust my midwife & her plan for us.  I know she'd never put us at risk.  I was only 1cm & 50% effaced on Mon so if I haven't progressed by than, I may consider either getting a sweep or using castor oil.  But oh how I want to avoid both!!  So pleeeeaaaase say a prayer for me that this little man makes his appearance soon.  I really want to have the homebirth we have our heart set on.  However, I will do whatever is necessary to keep him healthy & safe.

Ok so if you've been there you know that last week before baby arrives is often filled w/last minute preparation, as many naps as possible & that crazy burst of energy some of us get thanks to nesting.  At least this is how it went with Addy.  I was so looking forward to this week.  Tuning in to my body & awaiting the arrival of our precious boy.  Sadly, this is NOT how it went.  On Thurs night I started getting a somewhat annoying toothache in an old root canal.  This tooth has caused me issues in the past & after seeing the Dr about it in Aug we learned that the crown was just poorly made but insurance wouldn't cover a new one til the summer.  So we put it back on in hopes that it would hold out.  Once I woke up Fri & the pain had gotten pretty bad I made an appt & went in.  The Dr did an xray (which I tried to avoid) & informed me the root canal had "failed" & needed to be repaired.  Unfortunately it was infected so I couldn't get it fixed until I was on antibiotics for at least 3 days.  He gave me a script for those & 800mg ibuprofen & an appt for Tues morn @ 8am.  By noon that afternoon the pain was so bad but I had heard that ibuprofen was a big No No last tri, so I called my midwife.  She said if I could handle the pain she would rather I stick w/Tylenol based products but that if I needed the ibuprofen for the swelling than it was ok to take it.  So I got it filled but then the pharmacist scared the crud out of me more telling me all the risks.  After that I asked my midwife for something else & she called in Tylenol #3 but reiterated that she was the midwife & that if she said it was ok to take the ibuprofen that it was.  After dinner that night I was in a pain I didn't even know was possible.  Not just did I take the ibuprofen but also the Tylenol but nothing was working.  I read up & learned that sadly most pain killers won't work until the antibiotics start working on the infection.  I suffered throughout the night & called my dentist emergency line Sat begging/crying for him to help me.  He said that until the antibiotics start working he can't do any work.  Apparently the Novocaine would not take while there was an infection present.  The pain got so unbearable I ended up in the ER that afternoon.  I was so desperate I didn't know what to do.  They gave me a dental block which numbed the side of my face & gave me sweet relief.  But like my dentist explained it lasted less than 2 hrs & by the time it wore off the pain was even worse.  During that time I was able to sleep some & drink a yogurt smoothie at least.  They also gave me a script for Vicodin but I just couldn't bring myself to take it.  And besides nothing else was working.  They also reiterated how unsafe ibuprofen was which did not help! At this point I hadn't eaten anything substantial since my dinner Fri night.  I was trying to drink smoothies but everything just hurt so bad.  Baby boy would get so quiet any time I would take anything & I'm sure the lack of food/sleep was not helping.  I "slept" on the couch Sat night & would alternate between the Tylenol & ibuprofen in an attempt to reduce the pain.  I cried for hours basically.  By Sun morn it was as though the antibiotics finally started kicking in and the the meds started to help the pain.  However, I had developed a HUGE abscess & my entire face was swollen.

Don't I look lovely?! 

I certainly wasn't pain free but the meds were working which helped me get through the day.  That night I actually slept waking only to take some meds to get through.  Finally on Mon I called the dentist & went in.  He decided the tooth wasn't even worth saving & he would remove the whole thing.  Thankfully after 3 shots of Novocaine the area was numb enough & the tooth was removed.  Naturally this helped with recovery but was sadly not the end of my pain.  Things have slowly gotten better but some days are still pretty painful.  Of all the meds the only thing that helps is the ibuprofen which I imagine is because it helps w/the swelling.  I am down to taking only a normal advil a few times a day but still have extreme guilt/nerves over it.  Saw my midwife Mon afternoon after the extraction & she reiterated that baby would be fine & also informed me I lost 4 lbs from last week.  Luckily as of Tues morn I've been able to actually eat food & the swelling has gone down a lot.  For some reason today has been super painful & I'm getting very discouraged.  I know my body will not allow me to go in to labor until I'm better & I'm grateful for that.  But here I am 39+5 weeks & suffering tooth pain.  I should be enjoying my time w/Addy before it's no longer just the 2 of us.  I know that things can only get better as I continue to heal & I've been trying to hold on to that.  Please pray that this tooth heals completely before my due date in 2 days.  My mom has been in town since Sun & is here til the 13th.  That has been such a HUGE blessing but I would be so sad if she didn't get to see our little man or spend much time with him before needing to return home. 

Baby boy is starting to be more active again & my BH contractions are back full force so I'm taking this as a good sign.  I've been so very worried about him!  So that's how I've spent my 39th week of pregnancy.  Not fun at all!

Sorry I haven't updated in AGES!!!  What an awful blogger!!!  I will be 38 weeks pregnant in 3 days!  Say what??  Only 17 more days til my little mans due date!! 

So how have things been going?  I have to say that this pregnancy is NOTHING like it was with Addy.  The first trimester was pretty close which is why I was sure I was having another girl.  But once the 2nd tri came around, there were quite a few differences. And now holy cow do I miss my carefree comfy pregnancy I had with Adelyn!  Since around 30 weeks this little man has given me hell!  I did pretty well not complaining at first but nowadays, not so much. :)  He is a lot stronger & I'm assuming bigger than Addy was & hurts like a bugger when he moves, which is a lot.  But it's so hard to complain when you feel your little miracle moving inside of you.  I had some minor preterm labor issues around 34 weeks but things have settled down thankfully.  In order to have a homebirth, I needed to make it to 37 weeks so I'm glad we are there now.  I still have days where the contractions are pretty intense but they always subside.  My midwife thinks if he doesn't come early he should at least come fast.  I'll take either at this point (or both).  In the typical oversharing department I am dealing with some TERRIBLE hemorrhoids.  This is by far my biggest complaint.  They came out of nowhere & man they are just wrong!!  Terrified how this will play out once I have him!

Even with this not being the most comfortable pregnancy, I will still miss having this little one inside of me.  The truth is, who knows if I'll get to do this again, so I'm just trying to cherish every moment.  I'm so excited though to hold him & for Addy to meet her little brother.  I am not sure how she is going to handle it.  Heck I'm not sure how any of us will.  But I'm praying she is excited.  She talks about him all the time & kisses or rubs my belly constantly.  I have a lot of fear about how I'm going to give her the attention she needs while taking care of the baby too.  I know this is natural & remind myself that millions of women do it all the time. 

When we moved in to our new house in Sept the whole thing had been remodeled except the nursery.  It took us ages, but after putting up new walls, floors & trim, painting & installing a door, it is done!  I'm in love with it.  It really was a labor of love for my hubby & I. 

Now I will leave you with some pics.  Hubby took most with his cell, so they're not great.

37 weeks

From the door

Left of the door

The nursery bedding my mom & sis got

And of course my beautiful girl

....that I should be so sad today.  This day last year, I had just found out our Poppy girl had passed the day before (10/5) & scheduled my D&S for the next day (10/7).  I was newly moved & far away from family & friends.  My marriage was in a terrible place w/only more struggles to come.  There was so much emptiness & tears.  This year, I am exactly 31 weeks pregnant in a gorgeous new home w/a beautiful happy 2 yo, excited to meet her baby brother & my marriage is stronger than ever.  Yet here I am filled w/grief on the anniversary of our loss.  It is cold & rainy here & hubby is on day 6 of an 8 day stretch, so I'm sure none of that is helping.  I really just want this weekend to be over.  I'm trying to focus on all the positive, but if I have to be honest, it's proving harder than I had hoped.  Hormones are playing a huge part!

So in an attempt to help me I'm going to update you all as to how things are going.  This should help me remember all the good I now have.  Like I said, we are 31 wks pregnant.  Can't believe we are in the single digits as far as the number of weeks remaining!!!  We are VERY slowly getting prepared for our baby boys arrival.  Although every other room in our new house has been renovated, the nursery had not been touched in God knows how long.  We tried to do the work ourselves, but between the lack of time/talent, we finally gave in and hired a contractor.  He was awesome & a Christian & we were blessed w/the amazing work he did & the fee he charged.  So now all the nursery needs is to be primed, painted & carpet installed.  Oh & a door!  But we have walls!!  Hopefully when hubby is off this Tues & Wed we can get cracking on that.

The house is more than I ever could've asked for.  I still walk around almost a month after moving in thinking, "this is really ours?".  I love it.  It's got so much space & amazing property.  We did require a crash course in pool closing which was our first trial as homeowners.  But with the help of friends we were successful.  Moving while expecting is tough.  We waited to buy anything for the baby until we moved, but boy does buying things for a new home & a new baby at the same time become expensive!!  Thankfully my husband is amazing w/finances & continues to reassure me that all will be fine.  Needless to say I can't wait until tax return season!!  LOL. 

Adelyn has adjusted better than I could've imagined.  I was so nervous she would start pulling again.  She loves showing everyone her new room.  And in her new room now is her big girl bed!!  She hasn't actually slept in it yet.  We bought it & set it all up but are waiting to move her in to it.  She plays on it & we talk about her sleeping in it.  I am aiming to try naps on it this week.  Please pray it goes smoothly.  I hope to have her adjusted to it way before the baby's arrival so that she isn't sad that he's in "her" crib.  We finally saw the specialists regarding her hair pulling & other sensory issues & it went so very well.  We saw a Dr that was just perfect for us.  She gave us some suggestions & we are going to see an OT on Tues who will give us more.  I am excited to have the knowledge to handle any issues as they come up.  She talks about her baby brother all day & loves giving him (my big ol belly) hugs & kisses.  When she actually feels him kick is hysterical.  Her eyes get so huge & she screams.  I love her so much.  Am terrified of how she is going to handle his arrival though.  But that is a whole other post for another time.

And amongst all the blessings God has given me, are the new blessings here in blogland!!  I'm know I don't update often, but I'm always checking.  Many of you ladies will always have a special place in my heart & when I hear your good news it brings me so much joy.  I am beyond thrilled to learn of 3 new pregnancies and am praying every day for your little ones.  Of course I'm always thinking of those still struggling as well. 

This did help!!  Over 3 years later & this blog is still the one place I can go to as an outlet. 

So I've gone on here ready to write an update what seems like a hundred times.  Either as soon as I do I 1)get distracted by something else online 2)get distracted by something else that needed to get done or 3)get lazy.  So, I am not budging until this is done!! 

Things here are really going great.  I am living this life I feel like I definitely don't deserve.  God has been so very good to us & I am grateful for his provisions, above & beyond what we need.  Adelyn is growing like a weed & talks more than any other 2 (often 3) year old I've yet to meet.  She has always been advanced in her speech, but it still amazes the heck out of me.  She is tall & thin like her daddy too.  We still have her rear facing (& get tons of crap for it too!).  We were trying to wait until she hit 30lbs but being as she was 1oz shy of 25lbs 2 wks ago & is in the 80th percentile for height we are thinking we will have to turn her in Dec (or sooner) so that we can fit the 2 car seats in our smaller sized vehicles.  She is so much fun at this age & we are really enjoying our mommy/Addy time before the arrival of our little boy.



Eating some delicious dairy free zucchini cake for her 2nd birthday!

Speaking of our little boy, Squirt's arrival is FAST approaching.  I will be 26 wks on Sat & I am nowhere close to prepared (more on why later).  But soooo incredibly excited.  This pregnancy is nothing like Addy's.  I am definitely less comfortable & tired very often.  As you may remember, I was still working w/Addy walking between 3-7miles up until I was 8 months.  I felt good & enjoyed being active.  Her kicks were always these pleasant feelings that made me smile.  Squirt however must be a mini linebacker because he hurts like heck!!!  He is still not head down so who knows what's where & most of the time he enjoys hanging out by my right ribcage.  Oh so fun.  I have an anterior placenta, so it took me a while to feel anything & now that I do, I often wish he would go easier on me.  And I'm only 26 weeks!!!  Aaaahhh!  But please know I'm not complaining!  I will get the crap kicked out of me all day long if it means my little boy is growing big & strong. 



25 wks 3 days.  Terrible posture I know.

We have interviewed 3 doulas all of which are saved Christians & still haven't decided on which one to hire.  The price ranges up here vary like crazy!!  But I think we are leaning towards one & just need to finalize our decision.  My midwife is awesome which I'm super excited about.  The one downstate wasn't my fav & I never really connected w/her as I didn't start seeing her til I was 32 wks.  But I have such a great relationship with our new one.  She has actually suffered multiple losses (one stillborn) & sees the same specialist we did.  So I think there is that link between us.  Can't imagine giving birth to babies all the time after suffering like she has.  Talk about amazing.

And if life wasn't crazy enough we bought a house & are just waiting to hear what day next week we are closing!!!  This house is GORGEOUS w/a pool, barn, 11.5 acres of land & a beautiful updated kitchen.  It is more than I could've imagined.  I love upstate NY..lol.  It was the 1st house we even looked at & God just really worked out everything for us to be able to purchase it & the transaction to go so very smoothly.  We are even closing a week early!  So as you can imagine things are nuts.  We are trying to pack but haven't really gotten to into it as we had no idea exactly when we'd close.  The new house is completely remodeled except for Squirts room of course!  We will have to completely redo the walls & floor.  So I have not gotten one single thing set up for his arrival.  Outside of a few gifts from friends, he has nothing to wear. Addy's clothes won't work as she was a girl born in July!  But we are blessed to have all her other things that he can use.  We are also putting a toddler bed in Addy's room for a month or 2 before moving her to it (hopefully), so we can put the crib in Squirts room.  Sooo much to get done.

Can't wait to move in!!



Our beautiful yard!

Last year when we moved up here is when Addy started pulling from the stress, so I ask that you pray for her & this move.  She has been doing great & her hair is getting so long.  I would hate to see her start pulling again.  We do have an appt w/a specialist (that I've waited 6 mo for) on 9/21 so if she does start at least we can try & get some help. 

Sooooooo as you can see we are very busy but oh so very happy!!!  I have not written, but I have certainly been keeping up w/all of you!  I am praying for those of you who are TTC again or have fallen pregnant.  Not a day goes by where I don't think of each of you. 

So today was the big day!  We had our 20 wk anatomy scan & it was awesome.  Naturally, I was a hot mess all night & got next to no sleep.  Sometimes I don't know if having my iPhone nearby is a good thing to keep me busy or a bad thing that just keeps me awake longer.  LOL.  But after very little sleep, Addy woke me up bright & early & our exciting day began.  We are having her birthday party this weekend (only free weekend we had), so my parents flew in this morning.  They came a day early so my mom could come with us to the scan.  She was there for Addy's too.  After picking her up we went to eat breakfast, or at least I tried, then headed to meet hubby @ the radiologist.  The radiologist is hand picked by my midwife & she certainly has great taste!  What an incredibly kind & thoughtful woman.  Our scan was at least 45 min!  Probably closer to an hr.  And I loved every min of it.  Addy on the other hand was over it much sooner. 

We asked that she wait to tell us the gender til the end & that when she does go to check, asked if we can record it to send to my sister.  She agreed & started the sono.  She started w/the brain & showed us the hands & fingers.  Then moved on.  However, when she moved to take a measurement of the spine we saw this:

Where has the time gone!!!  In just 2.5 short hours it will be my precious baby girls birthday.  And yes I know she's not a baby anymore per se, but she will always be my baby.  With the new pregnancy it has been a while since I have updated on my littlest love. 

I think she is everything a mommy desires when they think of their first baby.  She is just so darn amazing.  She is smart, funny, gorgeous, well mannered, good sleeper & all around entertaining.  Like her mommy & daddy, she never stops talking & most of it comes out as singing.  She is definitely way advanced in her speech & we get compliments/remarks about it all the time.  As new parents we had no idea until it was constantly pointed out to us.  Then when I started going to more playdates w/the mommy group it became more evident.  But like w/all babies, they have their things they are good at & those things that they aren't.  Addy does not have good motor skills....lol.  I'm not sure how much of this has to do with her silly feet, but I'm sure some of it plays a part.  She thinks she is superwoman though, so as you can imagine it results in A LOT of bumps & bruises.

Some of you may remember my post about Addy's hair pulling issue & I'm sorry to have never updated on that.  We had tried so many things from a textured blanket (made by my lovely bloggy friend Nat), to putting olive oil in her hair but nothing would work for longer than a couple days.  Finally after one particularly bad night I decided it was time to cut her hair off.  Not sure how many of you have girls, but doing this before it is really necessary is extremely emotional.  Luckily, I was going to spend the day w/my beautician SIL & that made it "easier".  I was able to cry openly & discuss what I thought would work & what wouldn't  She did an excellent job & that was back in March & she hasn't pulled since.  We still go to see a specialist in Sept to make sure we are doing all we can for her sensory issues.  We do know that her pulling is stress induced & we just bought our first house (yay!!!) & will be moving in beginning of Sept so I am worried as to how she will react.  Adding a new baby probably won't help either.

Also, back on June 1st we started potty training as I posted & things have gone smoother than I ever thought imaginable!  She now only wears a pull up for bedtime (did away w/them for naps) & has woken up dry the past 3 wks so will probably do away with them too soon!  My little rockstar!!!

Tomorrow we are going to the zoo for her birthday w/her BFF & having pasta for dinner (which she chose).  Just don't get how it's been 2 years already. 

Here's Addy w/her Dada a bit after getting her hair cut

Visiting friends in MD

I can't believe it!!!  I am officially in the 2nd trimester & couldn't be more excited.  We went last Thurs to see our little Squirt & it was sooo incredibly awesome.  S/he has gotten so big & everything measured right where it should, even a day ahead (12+6 wks).  That Mon (Memorial Day) Addy rocked her adorable big sister shirt to the BBQ w/hubby's family & it was a huge hit.  Her Papa picked her up first & didn't come close to noticing.  He carried Addy down to the creek where the rest of our family was hanging out & splashing around.  Nani took her & even looked at her shirt & said, "Aw little monkeys"!  I could barely contain myself.  Finally after about 5 min & of course when I wasn't paying attention, she screams WHAT?!  At the same time, my SIL seemed to notice as well.  It was tons of fun & Addy liked all the attention she had no idea why she was getting lol. 

After the sono we called all our other close friends we hadn't told yet & shared our exciting news.  At this point I had been avoiding sharing w/my good friend Jen who not only can't get pregnant, but when she does (2 IVF's), she suffers miscarriages.  I know all to well how it feels to learn someone else is pregnant when that's all I want & I hated knowing that I would make her feel that way.  When I finally worked up the nerve, I told her I understand every emotion she is having & that I will give her whatever time she needs to deal w/the new information.  She was such a doll & shared her excitement while expressing her appreciation for my understanding.  I know that most likely there were tears so I appreciate her kindness even more.  She is a great person & we pray daily that God blesses her w/the precious miracle she deserves.  After allowing her some time to register, we posted it on FB.  The outpouring of love I received was/is just amazing.  So many people have expressed there excitement for us. I am beyond blessed to have so many wonderful friends & family.

Now we have 8 whole weeks before we see our little one again to find out the gender!!  I have no idea this time around so I can not wait.  In the meantime we will be traveling back to Long Island for 10 days on 6/15.  I can't wait!  Ocean here I come!!  I'm even going to go work w/my old staff for a day while hubby watches Addy!  I also get to see my best friend & her twins who will turn 2 while we are down there.  Her bonus baby is due in just a little over a month!!!

And in other news....my baby girl is potty trained!!!  No joke!  Just like that!  She is a rock star I tell ya.  She pee'd on the potty for the first time @ 16mo & probably did about 12-16 more times since.  I felt that she was ready but I was not.  I wanted to wait until it was warmer out & to be honest a lot of people made me feel like it was crazy to start so early.  So I held off.  And I don't know now if I could've done it earlier or the waiting made it go so well, but either way I'm stoked.  We started on Fri & here we are on Mon & she hasn't made one accident since the 1st day.  I was sure she would not want to poop on the potty but she proved me wrong that first day!  I have officially washed my last load of cloth diapers until Squirts arrival!!!  Woot Woot!!!  This little girl continues to amaze me! 

Ok sorry so long & so random.  All & all, God is good!!!  Here are some pics of my 2 little loves.

Just wanted to write a quick update that things are still going well.  Went in a week ago today for a sono & our little Squirt had gotten so big & was wiggling & karate chopping all over the place!!  I measured 9+1 wks & should be 9+4 wks but they just stink w/measuring so not worried.  I go for my first midwife appt on Mon then should get another scan in a week or 2.  I can not wait!!!

My doppler started working 2 days before my sono so that helped calm me quite a bit & continues to.  I seriously love that thing.  I will be 12 weeks in only 10 days!!  On one hand it seems around the corner.  On the other it seems ages away.  I'm already getting a lil bump & still feeling like crap which also keeps me calm.  But even with all of this, I can't wrap my head around the possibility of actually getting to have a baby at the end of this.  I'm more detached than I would like to be but I guess it comes with the territory.  Hoping that making it to 12 wks changes things a bit.  Or maybe once we tell everyone. 

I did order a great little shirt for Addy that says "I'm going to be a big sister" & has her name & cute little monkeys on it.  We are going to have her wear it over to my in-laws to announce it over Memorial Day weekend.  Then when I have the guts to share it w/the world I'll take a pic & post it on FB.  Once again this all seems crazy but I have to be positive & remain hopeful. 

Here is our last sono pic of our little Squirt!

was Poppy's due date.  Today, my heart hurts as I miss her so very much.  Today, I am 8+4 weeks pregnant.  Today, I am 3 days away from where I was when we lost Poppy.  But because I have an awesome God, today, I am hopeful.  I am loved.  I am in love w/the precious babe growing inside my belly.  And I fall more in love w/our little miracle Adelyn every day. 

I have so many thoughts swirling through my head today.  Sometimes I can't believe these things have happened to me.  I can't wrap my mind around having lost 3 babies.  I try to remember my life before the losses & it seems nearly impossible.  I know I'm a different person than I was before the losses, but don't remember who that person was.  I am the mama of 3 angels.  But I am also the mama of a gorgeous miracle who I wouldn't have had if I hadn't lost the 2 babies before her.  And I am pregnant w/another as I write.  So crazy how life works.  I love this baby so much already.  We saw him/her on Mon & s/he is getting so big!  Everything with the scan went great & we go back on the 11th for our last scan w/the RE.  We should be a day shy of 10 wks.  That is the sono we went to when we learned that Poppy's heart stopped.  This will be one of the biggest milestones for me in this pregnancy.

Throughout all of these trials & triumphs I've had this community to help me cry & help me celebrate.  Even a year after having my little love, you were all here by my side as I suffered another loss.  I am so very grateful for this outlet.  I am overjoyed w/how many of us are pregnant again & pray for all of you often. 

So today was our wonderful weekly sono & our little sprout seems to be doing great!!!  As usual I go in all doom & gloom but am thrilled to say I keep getting to come out all sunshine & smiles.  God is good.  Our precious babe is measuring exactly to date (my more sensical date) of 7+2 weeks plus we got to measure the heart rate which was 132 & even got to hear it!!!  Needless to say I forgot what a beautiful sound that was.  Even though we carried Poppy to 10 wks we never got to hear her heart beat.  I am so hopeful that we get to keep this baby.  Yet I can't seem to wrap my mind around it.  I definitely have tons of symptoms still, the biggest of which is nausea & complete exhaustion.  Neither of which mix well with a very whiney testing boundary 21 month old. 

The Dr. did see a VERY small bleed.  Hubby & I even question it.  But the good news about that is she told me to stop the lovenox injections!!  Woot woot.  That is something I will not argue.  I also get to stop the estrace!  No more blue discharge for this girl...lol!!!  So just back to prenatals, folbic & baby aspirin now!!  Can't even begin to tell you how happy that makes me.

The tornado of a stomach bug seems to finally have decided to spare us although Addy still isn't pooping great.  And believe it or not my dog is now barfing.  How did this happen you wonder.  Well he ate Addy's barf naturally.  Ewwwww gross.  So apparently when a dog does such a gross disgusting thing like that, they can get the virus from a human.  Seriously?

So on that note....lol.....I'll leave you with a pic of our little one.  Finally one clear enough to post.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to update sooner but poor Adelyn & I are dealing with a terrible stomach bug.  Sadly, my mom came to visit & all our grand plans have been flushed down the toilet (literally) as she takes care of us.  Now she is not feeling well either.  Ugh.  Thankfully Addy didn't start throwing up until after our sono on Mon morn.  Actually it was all over herself in the car on the way home from the airport. 

Anyway we got to see our little sprout & everything went great!!  As usual I was a hot friggin' mess the entire night before & that morning.  But we saw the sac right away & even saw the heartbeat.  Hubby & I have deduced that their machines suck in comparison to our old RE's.  The baby was measuring 6wks exactly & depending on who you ask I should be 6wks 2days so that measurement is fine by me.  Especially if you take in to acct their crappy machine.  I'd put a pic up but it seems pointless as it is so fuzzy.  Like I said we did see a heartbeat but the Dr. said they couldn't record the rate yet.  So annoying.  But we go back on Mon & I'm praying things are much clearer by then & that we can get a heart rate. 

After seeing the heartbeat I did tell my mom when she got in to town & my sis knows too now.  So basically my whole family.  It's nice that they know & I can talk about it.  I am so darn hopeful this time around.  Even though this vomitting is making me nervous.  Please keep praying this little babe continues to grow & I can hold down some food soon. 

Well we went in for our first scan yesterday & I guess things are ok.  I say I guess because although there was a gestational sac measuring 5wks 1day, there was no yoke sac.  With Adelyn there was a gorgeous obvious yolk sac for our first scan.  I know it's still early, & this is common, but I just hate the doubt that it allows to creep in.  I'm also so darn confused about how far along I am.  By my LMP I would be 5wks 1day which is what I measured.  But going by my LMP seems silly as I know the day I got my IUI.  If I go by that date I would be 5wks 3days.  My RE's office is going by my LMP which I find annoying.  I know it's not a huge difference but if I am 5wks 3days it makes me even more nervous that I didn't see a yolk sac (I was 5wks 4days w/Addy).  The other thing is that she didn't even zoom in!  I feel like she could've but don't know why I didn't say anything.  Oy.  I am also waiting on bloodwork they took at the appt that I still haven't gotten the results back for.  Hopefully those are at least beyond good to help calm my very frazzled nerves.  I go back on Mon for another sono.  Unfortunately their earliest appts start @ 10am & my mom lands @ 10:15am so she will have to come with me to the appt. @ 11am.  Which is not cool cuz she doesn't even know yet & I just wanted to make sure all was going as it should before I told her.  Please pray she is there for good news & that we even get to see a little heart beating.

Outside of all of this I am still having many symptoms.  I am nauseous, my boobs hurt, exhausted & so very backed up.  I did speak w/the Dr's office & have informed them that I will not be taking the HCG shots.  Thankfully they didn't give me a hard time.  Thank you so much for your advice on the subject.  I am still taking estrogen which they continue til 8 wks, but we made a deal that I can stop once we see a heartbeat.  After that it's only the lovenox, folbic & my prenatals.  Oh how nice that will be. 

As for my precious little Addy, we are still struggling with the hair thing but it has gotten a bit better.  We went in & got her iron levels tested to see if that was why she was eating it & I'm still waiting for the results. In the meantime we are just working really hard on distracting her & helping her to sleep if she is struggling with relaxing.  Please continue to pray that she stops pulling. 

So it has been a pretty hectic in our lovely little household this week!  First of all I'm not sure I ever even posted about it & am too lazy to look but back in Sept when we moved upstate Addy started pulling her hair.  She mainly did it in her carseat & crib.  She pulled so much she ended up pretty bald in the front.  For some reason she won't touch the back.  I was really uncomfortable with it so I found a Dr & she ended up having the states great Early Intervention people come.  They said she did have some sensory integration stuff but extremely minimal.  She did not have any developmental delays though so she did not qualify.  They did however suggest we make an appt w/the local developmental/behavioral center.  In the meantime they gave us ideas on how to deter her from pulling & increase her sensory stimulation.  We did this & after a while she stopped & her hair grew back lovely.  Because the center is so well known there was a 6 month wait for our appt.  It had been 4 months since she pulled so I thought why waste everyone's time & canceled.  Well wouldn't you know 3 days before the appt was supposed to be she started pulling & really bad!  She first started pulling when we moved here & this time after we left her for 5 day on our trip.  So it seems as though it is stress induced.  Well I woke up in the middle of the night to pee & checked the monitor to see my daughter pulling out her hair at 3am not making a peep.  It took me 1.5 hrs to help her back to sleep & about an hr of tears on my end over the whole ordeal. 

I called our ped today & she called the center to see if there is something we can do in the meantime.  We are trying what worked last time but it's not having the same effect.  They gave lame ideas like putting on a hat (cuz yeah she won't just take that off!) & suggested to check her iron levels as it may be a reason.  Oh yeah forgot to mention she's eating the hair!  I'm not hopeful it's such a easy fix & am beyond myself on what to do.  Our new appt with the center is not until Sept!!!  Thinking of finding a behavioral pediatrician in the meantime because how can I just let this go???  I'm having such severe mommy guilt for canceling the stupid appt in the first place!!!

The other issue I've been having is w/our RE.  I was not a fan of the first place I was going as they treated us so poorly.  So we switched & boy am I not sure if that was the right idea.  As you may remember they had a pretty extensive recurrent miscarriage protocol.  At first they seemed to be pretty open to the patients desires.  I chose not to take the intralipid & had to fight not to take the progesterone. So on top of the clomid & trigger, I am doing the lovenox injections & estrogen (my lining was thin).  Once I got pregnant they ordered HCG injections for me to do every 3 days for the first 10 weeks.  I took the first one Mon night after my second blood drawer.  Hubby asked me what it was for & I realized I didn't really know so hopped online to check.  What I have learned has not made me happy.  I did find out that it is supposed to help w/progesterone & estrogen until the placenta takes over.  So I thought well do I really need that?  I'm taking estrogen & I've already proved I don't need progesterone.  Well then I find a thread on my fertility's website message board about the exact topic.  One of the women are upset that when she went to pick up the meds after taking a shot in the office, the pharmacist seemed shocked that she was taking it while pregnant!  He explained to her that it is considered a Category X drug by the FDA & CDC.  This means it has been proven to cause birth defects in humans!  I thought ok I have been around the block w/Dr Google so I pulled out the drug info that came w/the prescription & it says the same thing!!!  Specifically says not to take while pregnant due to risk of birth defect.  The woman on the thread asks the Dr why he didn't inform her & he just states that it is the patients decision to determine if the benefit outweighs the risk!  But how can they make that decision if they are not informed in the first place!!!???  Now don't get me wrong, I know that for some people the benefit does outweigh the risk & I can completely respect that.  If I end up suffering 5 mc or more I would consider it worth the risk ya know.  But at the current moment & w/a successful pregnancy between my losses, I don't feel it does.  So as you can imagine I will not continue to take it but now I need to call & inform them & make sure it is ok to stop once I started.  I hate how they play on your fears & don't just respect your decision but make you feel bad so I've been avoiding it.  Supposed to take next dose tomorrow night so can't really avoid it much longer. 



Sorry for the novel but I just had to get it all out & writing has always helped.  Please keep us in your prayers.

So I went this morning for my 2nd blood draw & after being on pins & needles & nauseous ever since, they finally called with the results.  My HCG levels went from 112 to 439 & my progesterone from 58-61.9!  So they doubled every 36.5 hrs!  I keep having to remind myself that just because the numbers aren't as high as with Addy, that they are doing what they are supposed to.  And holy cow on the progesterone!  Those numbers are much higher than Addy.  Just goes to show every pregnancy is different.  I wanted to do a 3rd draw, like I did with Addy, but will start taking the HCG shots every three days starting tonight.  So it seemed silly to do a draw that wouldn't be 100% accurate.  Instead, I have an appt for a week from today for our first sono & another draw.  God it's going to be a long week.  The kind of cool thing is I found out on a Fri (also 14dpiui) I was pregnant w/Addy so everything is being done at the exact same time frame as it was with her.  So our first sono will be 5wks 3days.  With her I only saw a yolk sac so I know what to expect & that is nice. 

Outside of making myself sick with worry all day, I am doing well.  Still struggle with some crazy nausea but mainly at night.  Seems to hit me exactly at 7pm.  But I'm loving it..lol.  We have decided not to tell anyone about this pregnancy also.  We have told my BFF's (who helped me w/Addy) & our Pastor back home.  This way we have some prayer warriors.  I don't think we will keep if from our family (or at least mine) for the whole first tri like we did with Addy.  If all goes well at our 2nd sono, my mom flies in that afternoon & it would be great to tell her in person.  We would hopefully see the heartbeat for the first time that day.  May wait after that until about 10wks to tell the rest of the family.  God I hope we make it that far! Today I've reached one milestone of many to come & I'm clinging to that. 

Looks like I'm pregnant again!!!!!  Looks like you are good luck Kate!  Around 10dpiui I started feeling soooo sick.  But assumed it was the estrogen I'm on as it was so early.  Insisted that I was going to wait until 13dpiui before I tested but caved in on 12dpiui.  I had bought a dollar tree test but still had the online cheapies & an splendid .88 Walmart test. I first pee'd on the dollar tree as that is the test that I used w/both Addy & Poppy.  I stared at it & felt deflated as nothing came up.  Showed hubby who insisted something was there.  So I pee'd on the cheapie & there was definitely something there.  Extremely faint, but there.  Then we decided heck, why not pee on the Walmart test too.  I did & another faint BFP.  I refused to believe it until I pee'd again the next morn & it was definitely there.  It has been three mornings now & I love watching the line get darker.

So as many of you may remember, hubby & I took a trip to Puerto Rico to see our best friends marry one another.  We were both in the wedding (& they were both in ours).  Adelyn was supposed to be the flower girl but dragging her there & filling all our responsibilities in the bridal party just seemed to be too much.  So my SIL (w/triplets & bonus baby!) offered to watch her for us while we went.  Let me just say it was one of the hardest things ever!  I have spent whole days away from her but have always been home for her in the morning.  Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for the time with hubby, but we both missed her terribly.  Sadly, she had a stomach virus & ear infection while we were away too!  Imagine taking antibiotics while having diarrhea already!  My SIL is a stinkin' rock star & was so great w/her.  Our phone service kind of stunk so I didn't get to FaceTime her like I had hoped but we did get plenty of videos & pics sent of her playing with her cousins.  We did not see her for a total of 5 days & she has been pretty darn clingy ever since.  But for now, I don't care.  I'm pretty darn clingy to her too.

While in PR I was on clomid.  So happy to report that I did not have any hotflashes while there!!  Thank goodness for that!  But it sure did make me more emotional!  When we got back I went in on CD 11 to learn that I had 2 follies measuring 17mm & 20mm already (one in each ovary)!  Those buggers seem to be growing earlier each time!  So I took the trigger the next night & we did the IUI on Fri.  I am now 3dpiui & so far not obsessing too much.  Guess that's not saying much as it's only been 3 days.  I am doing the lovenox injections & this time taking estrace because my lining was not thick enough.  I think it's a combo of the follies growing so quick it doesn't have a chance & the clomid.  However, I am once again not taking the progesterone & demanded a CD 21 blood test to check levels.  It is absurd how sick that stuff makes me no matter what kind I use.  I feel strongly that prog is not a problem for me as it's always been over 20 when tested on CD 21.  So please pray it's a good number as I REALLY don't want to take it!  I am not going to test before 13dpiui this time cuz I'm sick of driving myself crazy. 

I sadly was so busy I didn't get to take many pictures but this is one of the beach we were staying on.  The clouds look a little scarier than they were.  It was actually quite nice out! 

Ok so instead of posting only about TTC & the sad news that once again I got a BFN, I have decided to write about my little love & something that gives me great joy.  Our Mommy group.

When I moved upstate I was terribly lonely & knew if I didn't find a way to get out of the house soon, I would get stuck in a rut.  Back on LI, I knew a mom who joined a mommy group using meetup.com.  I stored this info but didn't really need it as I was blessed w/many friends who had babies around the same time as me.  But when I got up here I rememberd it & decided to take a look.  I found a group of SAHM in my county & signed up.  Our first date was the weekly reading program at the library.  Believe it or not 2 other moms had also just signed up & it was there first "play date" as well.  We ended up introducing ourselves & over a few weeks met some of the other members.  I have to say I never imagined that I would make so many wonderful, kind & loving friends so very fast.  One of the 2 girls I met that first day has become one of my closest friends & her gorgeous baby girl is only a month younger than Addy.  We do a lot together & I am so very grateful for her friendship. 

As w/any group there are those you are closer to or just hit it off more with, but I have to be honest there are not many who aren't just great.  Three of the women are Christians which is always a blessing.  One of them invited us to her church (hubby is the assistant Pastor) & after trying 8 others we think this is the one.  Finding a new church after leaving one you LOVED is not easy & this group has even helped me do that!  We can do anywhere from 1-4 playdates a week.  Not all of them are via the website as some of us prefer the smaller groups or are just closer to others & invite a select few to do some things.  But we have done so much & learned a ton about our new area.  We have been to a bounce place, library events, holiday parties, the mall play area, the Museum of Play & so much more! 

I have confided in those women I am close to about our losses & our struggles & am so thankful to have their support as we TTC baby #2.  Because this has been a tough week, these women have made sure to keep me busy & we have done something every day this week!  Did I mention how much I love these ladies?!  Addy has such a great time & talks about her friends ALL DAY LONG!  She is learning so much from being around them & mommy is getting to have adult conversation!  So instead of wallowing in sadness & wondering what exactly God is doing, I am focusing on the positive. On the many blessings He has given me & continues to give.  AF is due Fri/Sat & we will do another clomid/IUI cycle & hope for the best.  And instead of stressing, I will be w/hubby in Puerto Rico a week from today celebrating the marriage of our best friends to one another!  Not sure how I'll manage 5 long days w/out my little love but I'm hoping to be busy.  I don't know His timing but I know it's better than mine (even if I tend to wish it weren't).  So when the time is right we will get/stay pregnant again.  Addy was worth the wait & I know our next baby will be too.

P.S.  I do have to say that trying to remain positive is much easier when you don't hear about losers like Snooki getting pregnant.  Urgh!

So here I am in another two week wait.  Even though it has been 4 months since we lost Poppy, sometimes I just still can't believe I'm back here again.  In the past week, two women who I adore have informed me of their 2nd losses.  One dear friend did IVF both times only to lose both babies before 6 weeks.  When these women come to me & I am able to help them because I have been open & up front about my losses (despite some people not being comfortable with this), I am reaffirmed that my angel babies were not for nothing.  They have given me the ability to comfort these women & give them hope.  One of them have said how she feels bad for her husband because if he had married someone else, then their babies would be alive.  I don't know about you, but boy did I ever deal with this guilt.  Or the feeling that they are too scared to try again or they may never become a mom.  I know I didn't believe people when they told me it would happen for me, but did I ever hold on to that hope & appreciate their optimism.  Because of my losses, I can be that person to these ladies & I am grateful they have felt comfortable enough to come to me.  I do ask that you  please keep Jen & Kate in your prayers.  They are both such lovely women & will make amazing parents.

I am now 2dpiui & dealing w/some slight OHSS.  After my previous IUI's, I have dealt w/some cramping but never like this.  I ended up w/3 mature follicles all in my right ovary & that is definitely the side that is hurting.  Because the follicles were so big by CD 12 (24mm, 17mm & 16mm) they had me trigger that night & had the IUI done on CD13.  Hubby was a rock star as well, so I am really hoping this is our month.  I start progesterone & lovenox tomorrow & can't express to you just how much I HATE needles.  After hearing from Tracy & doing some research, I have decided to go ahead w/the HCG injections once we get a positive as well.  I also went in on CD11 & did the intralipid IV treatment.  I am definitely over being poked & prodded after this week!  Let's hope all this craziness helps us get & STAY pregnant.  "Only" 12 more days to go (that is if I can hold out POS prior to that).     

 Ok so we had a consult with our new RE's office on the 30th & boy was it ever different. It is a center that focuses on both eastern & western medicine. The building is ridiculously gorgeous with fireplaces going & leather couches. But they are not snooty at all & were soooo beyond nice to Adelyn. They brought toys out for her & when we ended up there longer than planned went out of there way to get her crackers that were dairy free. On one side of the building is your typical RE's office (once you leave the plush waiting room). On the other is a whole other world. They have tons of treatment rooms for acupuncture, facials, & massages. They also have a small salon type room for mani/pedis. They also hold support & yoga classes there. While there they had one going on w/mom's & babies. Just a room full of miracles!!! Downstairs they have this amazing cafe too!!! It is wild!  If you want check it out at www.cnyfertility.com.  You can also read up on some stuff I will talk about in this post.

We ended up meeting w/two nurses as the Dr was out of town. They were both so super friendly & we did the typical intake stuff. After everything, they went over what they do for recurrent pregnancy loss. It's intense to say the least. First they suggest clomid/IUI, which my old RE did as well (hence Adelyn). It has been shown in numerous research that clomid has benefited women suffering from RPL. The IUI is merely to speed up the process. The way we look at it, why wait 2,3,4 months to get pregnant only to loose it. Morbid I know. Not for everyone, I agree. But it worked for us once & I'm hoping it will work for us again. Now the rest of this is where things get a bit different. The first thing they do is something called an Intralipid treatment via an IV for something like an hour. I won't go into super detail about why/what it does but it is supposed to fight antibodies. Those we currently know about & those that may not have been discovered & could be causing miscarriages. If you're interested (& let me tell you it is interesting) check out this link http://www.carefertility.com/ivf/viewtopic.php?t=39200. I've read up & I believe it makes sense & we are going to be doing it the week of ovulation & if we get pregnant 4 wks after the first treatment. They want me on progesterone 2 dpuiu. I'm up in the air with this one. I know it can't hurt but it made me sooo sick. They suggested Crinone (gel) & said it is known to have less side effects. Has anyone taken this? Is it true? They also include lovenox into the protocol. To be honest, I'm not sure if this is just for me as I have MTHFR or they do it for everyone, as they laid it all out as if it were their standard protocol.  Currently, I have agreed to do it, but we will see. And lastly, the one I struggle with the most & to be honest haven't researched, so I can't say my opinion is educated.  They have RPL patients take HCG shots after confirming a positive pregnancy. I don't know the reasoning behind it but w/everything included it seems a bit much. I also have to say that with the office offering eastern medicine, I am surprised at the level of invasiveness. Part of me thinks, well I just got pregnant with Addy on clomid/IUI, it worked so just stick with it. The other part thinks, what if you lose it & this stuff could've helped??? I do need to stress that in no way are they pushing anything on me. They have informed me of what options I have & said that they will support whatever I decide.

I am on CD 2 & go in Mon for my baseline & bloodwork. I have tons of questions to ask & more research to do. I will also start clomid on Mon as well. IUI looks like it will be around the 17th. In hindsight, I am so very grateful we took the month of Jan off. It was very difficult to do, but I know that we were not ready to take on all this information in addition to working on our marraige & TTC.

LOL how is that for a post title!  But I am super excited that God has rewarded me for making the difficult decision to take the month off.  It seems to be the slowest month ever, but it has definitely given hubby & I time to reconnect.  I won't lie; I am still fighting thinking about TTC daily but now that we've made it past my fertile period it's a lot easier.  I started using OPK's on CD 8 & then twice a day by CD 12.  I usually got a positive like clockwork on CD 13 but that day it got darker & then went light when I tested again that night.  I was so very bummed.  So by CD 14 I was literally testing every pee (yay cheap internet strips)!  Finally, on CD 15 in the afternoon I got a positive!!  I can't tell you how happy this made me.  So I guess since the mmc, I now ovulate about 2/3 days later than I used to.  Which is fine.  Because now that I know this I know what to expect.  I can take the clomid cycle days 5-9 or 6-10 instead of 4-8 & hopefully not have to take the trigger shot. 

We go in a week from today to meet w/our new RE.  I am super excited but also nervous.  The 30th will be only 4 days until AF is do. I'm scared that he'll want to run tests & have results before we can try again.  If so, hopefully they can be done in that short time.  I tried moving the appt up, but was only able to by one day.  Better than nothing I guess.  I definitely needed the break but am so ready to start TTC again!

After two failed IUI's & a struggling marriage, we have decided to take the month of January off from TTC.  There are a number of reasons & although it was by far one of the toughest decisions ever, I know it was what God wanted from us.  As I'm sure many of you have experienced, RPL plays quite a number on an otherwise healthy marriage.  In 3 short months we got pregnant, moved, hubby started working in a new region, we went through 6 weeks of ultrasound hell, lost the baby, found a new specialist & started TTC again.  Needless to say, this has caused quite a bit of stress.  So during our month off we are reading the Ministry of Marriage together & doing a computer/phone counseling course with our old Pastor back home (love & miss that guy!).  Although it has only been about 2 weeks, I already see how much it has done for our relationship.  I am extremely impressed with my husband & the dedication & hard work he is showing.  We've definitely lost sight of what's important & are working at making Christ the center of our lives again. 

In addition to working on our marriage, there were also a few other reasons we thought taking the month off was a good idea.  After 2 months at the new fertility center we decided that it really just wasn't for us.  Back on LI, we had such an amazing Dr who took time out & was always available to discuss things.  At this new place I saw my Dr for the consult & a sono.  So twice within about 12 visits.  And to top it off, of the 10 remaining appts, I have never seen the same person twice.  If I ask to switch something or want to try a different approach the nurse always makes me feel like I'm some kind of loony for wanting a say in my own medical care.  And then of course there is the issue with being treated like a leper for having a daughter & being told that she isn't welcome.  So with all of this in mind we are going for a consult at a new clinic on the 30th.  It is a fertility & wellness center that does acupuncture on site.  Right up my alley!!  So ladies please pray that we like this place.  I really feel like God is leading us there.

So I am on CD 9 & using this time to test whether or not I'm ovulating since the miscarriage.  I would always get a positive OPK around CD13-14 but haven't & took the ovidrel (hcg) shot each IUI, so never got to see if I even would ovulate on my own.  I am praying that I do as that was one thing my body always did correctly.

And in completely random fun news my BFF (co maid of honor) is marrying one of hubby's BFF's (a groomsman in our wedding) in Puerto Rico in March & we are going for 5 days!!!  My SIL (the one with trips & a bonus baby) offered to watch Adelyn (I know she's either a saint or just plain nuts)!!!  It will be our first time away from her but as hard as it will be, I'm sure we will have a blast!!!!

Sorry I haven't updated, but guess there's not much to update about.  Did another IUI on 12/21 & got another BFN.  Only had one mature follicle that I believe got too big as I had severe pain in my left side (where the follicle was) 2&3 days after IUI.  In addition, I got a terrible stomach bug two days after & was sick all throughout the Christmas weekend.  So needless to say, I'm not surprised.  But it certainly doesn't make it easy.  Hubby & I are not sure if we are going to try again this month or take some time off.  Prior to my mmc, I always ovulated & always around CD 15.  However, since then I have yet to get a positive opk.  Our new RE has me using the ovidrel shot which I get because what's the point of the clomid & IUI if it is done w/out me ovulating.  But part of me just needs to know what is going on with my body.  Am I ovulating later?  At all?  We have considered just doing the clomid CD 4-8 & not using the trigger or doing IUI.  We really just did the IUI because we figured if we were using the clomid anyway might as well increase our chances each month.  Without the IUI or trigger I would at least be able to get an idea as to whether or not I am ovulating.  My only concern would be to use one of my last 2 months on clomid for nothing.  Ugh.

On top of all of this our wonderful friends came to visit for NYE weekend & shared w/us that they are 10 weeks pregnant.  Not sure if any of you remember but she was the one who did IUI the day after me, got pregnant w/twins & had the same due date (they were born 18 days early) as Addy.  They were definitely not trying & didn't even think they could get pregnant, but here they are.  And I know she's been through so much to have her babes but it doesn't make it any easier.  I should be 5.5 months along w/a little girl.  I should be having indigestion & feeling kicks, not listening to someone else complain about being sick.  I am happy for them but God is it hard. 

I just keep thinking, what if we never get to have another pregnancy that results in a live birth?  What if God has decided that once was enough?  I loved being pregnant.  Every last bit of it was an absolute joy for me & I want that again so badly.  But I just don't know if I can survive another loss.  I'm in a big of a funk & just working towards leaning on the Lord to help me through as He has so many times before.  I need to trust that He has my best interest in mind even if I don't understand His reasoning.  Please keep me in your prayers that I can be strong during this journey for the 2nd time around.  I have Adelyn due to that strength & trust & have to find it again.