Gods Plan Not Mine

Sadly, December was not our month.  Even w/3 great mature follicles & 35 million swimmers, we got a stupid BFN on Tues & AF returned in all her glory yesterday.  I am beyond bummed but also trying to remind myself that I didn't even think we'd get to try this month.  So it was almost like a freebie.  At least that's what I keep telling myself.  I go in tomorrow for CD 3 bw & sono then start clomid again on Sat.  Let's hope the hotflashes aren't as bad this time around...yuck!  The one difference this time around will be that I hopefully will not be taking the progesterone suppositories.  I can't even put in to words just how much I hate them.  Because, as I've previously mentioned, I don't think I need them, they made me incredibly INCREDIBLY sick.  I had severe nausea as soon as I would use it & the world's most amazing headaches.  As you can imagine, this does not bode well with taking care of a spunky (teething) 17mo!  I hopped on Dr. Google & read up on some info that these things are common but often a result of incredibly high progesterone.  When I did clomid & IUI w/Addy they would test my progesterone levels 7dpiui & those 3 months they were never below 26!  That's pretty high if ya ask me.  I only started taking progesterone w/Poppy because my numbers had dropped.  I know the Dr is thinking it can't hurt & in the back of my mind I am scared not to do it, but I just can't spend 2 weeks feeling that bad & have it all be for nothing.  So I spoke w/the Dr & will be doing a progesterone test @ 7dpiui like I used to, and if it's high we'll be good & just test again when I go in for the HCG levels @ 14dpiui.  If it's low (which I doubt) I'll start taking them.  So basically we will monitor it like my old (great wonderful who I miss terribly) Dr did. 

In the meantime I am back to getting acupuncture & taking herbs & just doing my best to trust God's timing.  I remind myself of how we got through it before & just look @ my baby girl & feel better.  She really is just amazing.  Looks like our next IUI will be around the 20th so keep us in your prayers for a Christmas miracle.  God Bless.

So here I am again in the dreaded 2WW!  Can't believe I'm here.  When we were trying for Poppy it was so nice & laid back (at least the trying part).  Luckily w/the holiday weekend I will at least be occupied for some of the time. 

I went in on Fri & got the HSG which wasn't so terrible but it definitely caused some cramping.  Went back Sat (they don't do procedures on weekends) & they checked my ovaries.  My lining was 7mm & I had more follicles than I've ever had using clomid.  There were 2 18mm & a 17mm all on the right side!!!  Then I had 2 10mm on the left.  I took the ovidrel on Sun night about 9:30pm & have to tell you I don't know how people do shots over & over.  Tried to get out of it but w/my follicles already so big on CD 11 the Dr was concerned they would get too big if we waited.  I usually don't ovulate until CD 16.  I was kinda of bummed because ovulating is one thing my body does correctly.  Anyway, after taking the shots I started cramping more.  Finally, we went in @ 8am this morning & did the IUI. 

This office is very different than the one back home.  My old office would have done a sono first to see how things have progressed since last one & checked progesterone 7dpiui.  But this office just did the IUI & gave me paperwork to get HCG drawn in two weeks.  They don't even check progesterone then either.  I will be starting suppositories tomorrow though so I guess it's not so bad (well the progesterone is bad..lol).  After the IUI I had some really terrible cramping for quite a few hours until I finally went & bought some tylenol & rested when Addy napped.  Now I'm feeling a ton better.  Still crampy but not nearly as bad.  Thankfully, the IUI itself didn't hurt. 

I am tyring so hard not to get my hopes up.  I originally didn't think we would even get to try this cycle so I'm trying to keep this in prospective if we get a BFN.  And as usual, even if we get a BFP it is only the beginning.  Please keep us in your prayers as we start this journey again!  Hope you're all doing well & have a very Happy Thanksgiving!!!

So after my last post I realized that I have rarely (if at all) spoken about my gorgeous baby girl.  The last I think I ever wrote about her, she had just gotten her foot/ankle braces!  That was in July!!!  Bad bad mommy!!

Let's start with her feet.  She wore her braces everyday for three months.  A day after 1 month she started walking.  This was Aug 29th.  And she didn't just take small steps here & there.  She took off walking up & down the hallway.  We saw a new ortho where we live now & they confirmed what our previous one said & she was brace free as of Halloween!!!  Now instead of just high top Stride Rites, she can wear all different shoes!  Dress shoes, boots, sneakers!!!  LOL.  The ortho did say to make sure her everyday walking shoes are not cheapos & that later on she may need to get inserts.

As for teeth...OY!!!!  Addy didn't get her first tooth until she was almost a year.  After that she got her other top & 2 bottom by 14mo.  Well so far that's all we have!!  Can you believe it?!  Do you know how much this limits food for a 16mo?  Two more are trying to come through on the top but refuse to budge.  I have been able to see them just underneath her gums for over a month now.  I have friends w/babies half her age that have more teeth. This is seriously driving me crazy.  Every time she is crabby or sad I immediately think it's teeth.  I mean they've got to bother her for taking weeks at a time to come through.

This child talks non stop.  But then again so do her Mama & Dada.  But in all seriousness she does excel in the area of speech (& I'm not just saying that as the proud Mama, it's been confirmed by an evaluator...lol).  She says about 12-15 words unprompted & will basically attempt to repeat anything you ask her to.  So we are going to have our hands full once she is really talking.

As for sleep, we are still on two naps believe it or not.  I have tried multiple times to go down to one long nap, but nooooo.  So she takes 2 one hr & 15 min naps.  If I just do one nap she still only sleeps an hour & 15min & is a wreck the remainder of the night.  We are in the transition now I believe & recently she has done 1 two hour nap.  But I guess 2 naps really isn't too bad of a deal. On days that I don't have something planned it's actually quite nice.  But we have joined a mommy group here & all their babies are on 1 nap, so all the events are @ 10am which is when Addy takes her 1st nap.  She always falls asleep while we are driving to them!  FYI..mommy groups are awesome!!!  As for nightime sleep she goes down @ 8pm & wakes anywhere from 6:15-7am. 

On a more serious note..about a month before moving, Adelyn started pulling her hair.  She would only do it in her car seat or high chair & once I started taking her out as soon as she was done eating or giving her toys in the car, she stopped.  When we moved however she started doing it very badly.  She mainly does it in her crib when she is restless or wakes early. Even though it bothered me, especially because it was becoming more noticeable, I tried not to think into it too much.  Around this time she also started doing some other "quirky" things like grabbing herself, inchworming on the carpet when we took her clothes off for bath, grabbing the dog & kissing/hugging & not letting go & doing the same to other children while out, almost always making them cry.  She also started pulling w/out even noticing it.  Reading these alone you may think this is normal toddler behavior & it's very hard to explain if you are not with her.  But you can tell somethings just the tiniest bit off.  It's as though she has sensory underload.  So I spoke to our new ped & he suggested I contact early intervention.  They came & did an evaluation & diagnosed her with Sensory Integration Disorder.  This sounds much fancier than it is.  She does not have a severe case & basically just requires more sensory stimulation.  Because it does not effect her developmentally as of yet (& hopefully never will), she does not require any therapy.  The evaluating therapist did give us a bunch of exercises to do & she is responding to them great.  We will be re-evaluated in 6 mo.

So that is the life of my spunky little 16mo!  I will leave you with some recent pics so you can see just how darn cute she is even with her mullet look..lol. 

What?????

She lives in this hat!!

This was just the other day

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile but hubby fried the computer & my brother just finally fixed it.  As you can tell from the post title we got the results back on our precious Poppy.   We got the results over the phone from the Perintologist on Mon & went to see a Geneticist on Tues.  Our little one was pretty doomed from the beginning sadly.  They found a complete second set of chromosomes, so instead of 2 sets of 23 there were 3 sets of 23 making a total of 69.  There are two things that could happen: there could be two sets contributed from the dad or two from the mom.  If the two are from the dad the pregnancies are lost very early & can cause a molar pregnancy.  In our case, there were two sets of my chromosomes.  Out of the two this is the "better" scenario.  These pregnancies do tend to make it further sometimes resulting in stillbirths (& rarely live births) but there is no risk of cancer cells like with the molar.  In an attempt to look @ the bright side, I am thankful that we lost the baby relatively early.  The Geneticist did confirm that there was nothing we did & it was a once off chance of occurring.  I am relieved to learn there was a reason & not something we passed on & could pass on to later pregnancies.

The other issue the baby had, was a missing X chromosome.  This is known as Turner's Syndrome.  By itself, it is compatible with life @ times, but the baby would be very developmentally delayed.  The Geneticist was not too concerned about this one as she stated it is something that could of occurred in the cultures they took & that it was also just a chance occurrence.  However, it was our plan not to find out the sex of the baby but these results led us to learn that Poppy was not the boy we felt but another precious baby girl.  Addy would've (will)  make such a great big sister, especially to another girl.  I thought finding out her sex would make it harder but it didn't.  It made it easier.  I feel more connected to her now.  And if possible I love her even more.  I miss her so much but am so very grateful for the little time God allowed us to have with her. 

We had an appt already scheduled with a new RE on Thurs so the timing of the results was perfect.  At first I was a bit bummed as the office staff was not too friendly.  But thankfully the nurse & Dr were AWESOME!!!  He was so incredibly optimistic & so very knowledgeable.  We discussed whether or not I "needed" to be assisted since finding out the results.  I am so scared to do anything differently than we did with Addy but don't want to get intervention if not necessary.  He went over my MTHFR diagnoses & is sending me in to get my homocysteine levels checked.  I read about this when I was first diagnosed & it has become more mainstream to look in to these levels as they are a better indicator of the effects of the disorder.  I will be getting them on CD 3 (whenever that may be!).  He also said to take baby aspirin which I have been doing & continue on the Folbic.  He suggested doing clomid which confused me a bit, but sited a recent study done in Germany on women with unexplained miscarriages.  The results showed without a doubt that the use of clomid resulted in more live births.  I used it with Addy & didn't react to badly & never had more than 2 eggs so I'm all for it.  After this the decision to do an IUI was left up to me.  Hubby & I talked about it & decided to go for it.  If I'm already going to be having some kind of interaction with the clomid, I figured might as well go for it.  It worked with Addy.  Finally, I am to start progesterone suppositories as soon as I get another positive.  Yuck.  The best news we got that day was that we did not have to wait to start trying again!  Woot woot!  So now we are just waiting on my stupid cycle to come back.  I am pretty sure I ovulated about 2 wks or so after the D&S based on EWCM & pains in my side.  So here's hoping soon!

So I know it is a ton of information!  Thanks again for all your kind words & support recently.  I will be back soon to update on Addy!  I realize it has been so long since I've talked about how she is doing & growing up soooo fast.   

Without you women?  Seriously.  Technically next to strangers, yet some of the dearest people who have blessed me w/your kindness & support.  I never dreamed I'd be here again & I am so so very thankful for your continued love & support during the loss of our precious Poppy.  There were times I wondered if keeping this blog made sense.  I don't post often & most of them are pretty boring I think.  But something told me not to.  I knew I wanted to keep up w/all of you, but never could have imagined, you would all still be there for me.  For the second time in my life, you were the few who understood, made me feel better & helped me to survive this sad time.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  If I could, I would show up at each of your doorsteps & give you the worlds biggest hugs.  I love you ladies dearly & am so thankful God has led us to become friends.

As for how I am doing; I'm getting there.  The D&S was definitely the best decision & I'm glad you all helped me to make it.  I am still spotting here & there but no more cramps.  I wasn't allowed to pick Addy up from after the surgery on Fri until Mon, so that was not easy nor fun.  I just wanted her in my arms the whole time.  She has made this not so hard.  Her silly ways & smiles just bring me a peace that nothing else or no one else can.  If possible, I've grown to love her even more!  We go back on the 24th for a check up to make sure all is ok, then back to the RE we go.  It is hard to be w/a different RE, but I will remain hopeful that they rock as much as my other Dr's did.  The perintologist office was lovely & very kind through the whole thing.  I'm grateful for that.  For now I have taken Poppy's sono pics & tucked them away.  I hope to do something with them to memorialize him/her. 

Speaking of remembering.  Today is the due date of our first loss.  This day is always special as it is one day before National Pregnancy Loss & Awareness Day.  We have a special candle we bought for the first one & every due date, miscarriage date & 10/15, we burn it.  I keep it up though, I'm gonna need a bigger candle.  But we will be burning it tonight in memory of our first loss & tomorrow during the 7:00 hour for all three. 

Ok I am done rambling.  I really am grateful for this community & hope that I can be even as small of a light in darkness as you have all been to me.  God Bless.

This is going to be short as I'm typing from phone, but I wanted to thank you ladies for being there for me once again. With your help, my hubby & I have decided to get a D&C. We are on our way to the hospital now. Please say a quick prayer all goes well.

We found out we lost our precious Poppy today.  After last week's sono & all the bad news I felt very strongly that this was going to be the outcome, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier.  My heart is just breaking & I'm at a loss as to what to even feel.  Part of me is relieved, as horrible as that may sound, that all of this living week by week is over.  But I just wanted more than ever to be blessed w/another precious miracle.  S/he was only measuring @ 9 wks (I'm supposed to be 10 today) & I have to make the impossible decision to loss the baby naturally at home or get a D&C.  I just never thought I would be here again.  I lost our other two angels so much earlier that I just went through it at home.  But the idea of seeing this little one when it passes seems like more than I can bare.  I just don't know if a D&C is for me.  I'm terrified of scarring or something going wrong.  I just don't know what I want.  Ladies please weigh in & share your experiences w/me.  I just need a little guidance today.  Please pray for my family as we make our decision & go through this loss.  I'm trying to hard to stay strong for my beautiful Addy but my heart just hurts. 

So after a week of actually feeling pregnant we went in to see Poppy & I THOUGHT the sono went great.  S/he was measuring 8wks 5days (I'm 9 today) & heart rate went up to 170.  I was having some pretty bad cramping yesterday/last night & was so scared we would get bad news on our anniversary.  But we didn't & I finally let myself get excited.  Well that was a stupid move.  After we waited (forever!) for the Dr to come in w/Addy getting very impatient, she told us that the yolk sac was collapsing which it is too early to do & the embryonic sac was measuring smaller than they'd like.  Apparently the yolk sac helps nourish the baby until the umbilical cord completely takes over around 12 weeks.  The thing is, I don't know why she told me these things.  None of the other Dr's even mentioned the sac size prior to today.  What good does having this information do?  She was so super nice but at the same time just plain ol pessimistic.  Afterwards, I got a phone call from the nurse saying my urine culture showed I have a bladder infection & that explains the cramping & constant (& I do mean constant) peeing.  So now I'm on antibiotics for a week too!

I have never in my life been through anything like this. I don't even know what to expect or think anymore. The Dr's are so confused & I think I let that bring me down. They want a scientific explanation but I know better. I know that God is in control, yet I let Satan get the best of me because my Dr's are not believers & to them they need an explanation. After the appt I decided to celebrate the life of this baby. Whether or not God decides to take him/her, I want to cherish this time I do have. I spend every second wondering if s/he is dead or alive but where does that get me? So I am focusing hard on loving the baby & just being happy w/whatever time God has given me w/it. 

So ladies please pray for this baby.  And for hubby & I as we struggle w/our emotions & our faith.  I don't know why this is happening & may never know, but that is not what God wants me to focus on.  I need to focus on trusting Him & believing he will do what is best for us (even if I don't think it is).  We go back again next week & will hopefully have only good news & convince the Dr's that they do not only have to look at the bad but focus on the good.  We have a viable baby, with a heartbeat that is growing.  And that will help get me through the week. 

We went back in today for another sono & our little Poppy (our silly nickname) continues to defy all odds.  S/he was measuring exactly 8 wks, heartbeat had increased to 164 & the subchorionic hematoma got considerably smaller.  Each week I go in I am prepared for the worst, & each week I am amazed, as are the Dr's. We saw the nurse & she asked if I would like blood work done & I decided I did not.  I'm sure I will second guess this decision a thousands times this week, but I know it was the right one to make.  Regardless of the results, I have to wait each week for the sono & if they have not gone up all it does is make me more upset.  They scheduled us to come in next Wed which is my hubby & my 4 yr anniversary.  It is nerve wracking to do it on a special day just in case we do not get good news, but I am working very hard to trust God in all of this.  Hubby says that he believes that is why we are going through this.  To put more trust in the Lord.  I'm sure he is right, I mean look how far we've come & against all scientific evidence as to what our outcome should be.  But the truth is, I'm still so very scared.  Each week (each second), I fall more in love with this baby.  S/he is such a fighter & stubborn just like their mommy & daddy.  I have yet to be able to celebrate & sometimes just don't even feel pregnant.  I have none of the same symptoms as Addy & I guess that adds to the fear as well.  I know each pregnancy is different but w/her I was a mess.  I have definitely put on some weight & look incredibly bloated but other than that not much else.  Because of all the loving comments from you ladies I did stay on the progesterone & I thank you for that.  My emotions are all over the place & sometimes it's hard to look at everything from a different perspective, so I'm glad I had yours.  Please keep praying like mad for us that things continue to go well.  Maybe if s/he is good next week I will be optimistic enough to share a sono pic.  Love you ladies to pieces!

The perpetual waiting game from hell continues.  We went to the new Dr (perinatologist) & they were super nice.  We got the sono first & saw our precious baby right away, beating heart & all.  S/he had a heart rate of 143 (up from 119) but was measuring 3 days behind.  I remember Addy measuring behind a few times so of course at this pt I want everything to be perfect, but tried not to let it get to me too much.  We then went in & talked to the Dr. & RN.  They were both very kind & upfront w/me.  The Dr. did state that because he is a Peri & not an RE he doesn't really rely on numbers.  He did say obviously something was up but seemed optimistic.  We made a deal to do bloodwork for my HCG & if it had finally gone up we wouldn't come back for 2 wks.  But if it went down or stayed the same we would come back in 1 week.  They made me wait til the next morning when I ended up calling myself (God I miss my RE) to find out the numbers had dropped another 300 in 6 days.  The RN we met w/called & we scheduled for me to go in next week.  She suddenly wasn't so optimistic.

I can't even begin to tell you where my head is right now.  I am at a total loss as to what to think.  I am not optimistic that this pregnancy is viable & really want to just have a solid answer so we can start living our lives again.  I have been such a zombie & am finding it so hard to smile.  Addy is suffering as a result.  I am on progesterone 2X/day & feel like it is this that is just delaying the inevitable.  I keep going back & forth about not taking it anymore.  Yesterday I only took it before bed & not in the morning.  I think I will do the same today.  I am so scared to keep carrying this baby only for it to die later.  But I'm also scared to stop taking the progesterone when I don't know if s/he will make it & then having guilt.  I figure I will try to make myself take it for the next week & discuss it with the Dr. on Wed. 

To say I am overwhelmed & tired would be an understatement.  We moved upstate on Mon & I am away from my mom, friends & church family, all of whom I would lean on during this time.  Adelyn has been a mess since moving & is really having a hard time adjusting (understandable) so she is constantly wanting to be held & whining which is not like her at all.  I remind myself about a thousand times a day that God is in control but I would be lying if I didn't say I am angry with Him.  I don't know why He is making us go through something so terrible.  I'm at a point where I just wish I would miscarry already.  Please don't think poorly of me.  I am just so weak & feeling sorry for myself.  How can this little one be holding on  growing when the numbers say differently?  And what if s/he does make it only to end up terribly sick?  Am a forcing this child to live when God has other plans for it?  Like I said my brain is all over & I just don't know what to think. 

Thank you all so much for your prayers & for checking on me.  You are an amazing group of women.  Please pray for our continued strength as we go through one of the most difficult events of our lives.  Pray Gods hand prevails regardless of the outcome. 

Our world comes crashing down.

Dr. called.  HCG went down from 6974 to 6923 in 7 days.  He himself said it doesn't make sense but to be realistic, expect to miscarry.  He said I could come in next week & there could be no heartbeat or that we could lose it even later.  We are moving Monday & just spent 2 hrs trying to find someone who will take over for us up there.  RE's won't see us as we are already pregnant & we're too complex for regular OB/GYN.  Finally ended up talking with someone at a perintologist office & I think she was an angel sent from God.  So very kind.  So we go there Wed & see if our baby is still with us.  Each day will feel like a year.  I'm not optimistic but I'm an RPL mommy & I'm hopeful.  Thank you so all so much for sharing in our short lived excitement from this morning.  Even if/when we lose this LO, we will always have had that special moment with him/her.

I certainly don't understand Him, but I have to keep reminding myself that God is in control.

This morning went better than I ever thought imaginable!  Praise be to God!  We saw a precious little baby measuring exactly 6w2d & not only got to see a heartbeat but heard it too!!!!  I cried & then cried some more and lets be honest I'm still crying!  I was so sure we would get bad news this morning.  Never have I been so nauseous & anxious as I was waiting in that room.  Both the lovely sonographer & the nurse were so very happy for us.  Our Dr., to be fair told us to be cautiously optimistic until the numbers came in.  So keep praying ladies cuz it's working.  Thank you so very much.  I will update as soon as I know.  Hopefully it will be an earlier call & not late afternoon.  Until then I will try & remain optimistic & revel in the miracle that took place this morning.

I know I say it time & time again but I can't imagine my life w/out you ladies in it.  It has been so long that I've truly "needed" this outlet & the moment I do, you are all there, praying along w/me & making sure I am ok.  Needless to say it has been a tough week & I'm beyond exhausted both physically & mentally.  I have been taking my progesterone 2X/day & praying every second of every day that God sees it in his heart to save our precious baby.  The spotting has become minimal but the cramping still happens too often to be comfortable.  I spoke to the nurse & debated going in for another blood draw but hubby pointed out that he wouldn't be home that day & what more would it do to have that info two days before we are scheduled for a sono & bw.  So tomorrow is the day & I have no idea what to expect.  I have never had so many emotions.   I want so bad to be optimistic but at the same time don't dare.  So please think of us 8:30am tomorrow & say a prayer for our LO.  I promise to update as soon as I can. 

Ok ladies, I need a miracle!  I started spotting yesterday & went in today to get checked.  The u/s showed the sac where it should be & that it had grown since Monday.  Sadly, the numbers were not so positive.  My HCG only went from 4593 to 6700 & my progesterone went down from 23 to 17.  The Dr. is trying one ditch effort to save this pregnancy & I will be starting progesterone suppositories 2X/day.  I'm a realist & I know what this most likely means, but I am also a Christian & believe in a powerful & mighty God who can make miracles happen.  Us RPL mamas know never to give up & although we hate the wait & the false hope, we will do whatever it takes to protect our babies.  So I'm asking you to pray!  Pray that God sees it in his plans to save her little one & allow our family to grow.  Pray the progesterone does the trick.  But most of all, pray for our continued strength that we are able to handle whatever the outcome is & accept it.

I'm mad that I can't just get pregnant & be excited.  I'm mad that I'm obsessed w/checking the TP after every wipe.  I'm mad that I overanalyze every cramp & twinge in my body.  I'm mad that my numbers although still good, didn't double & now I'm obsessed.  I'm mad that just because I have one miracle everyone now thinks I'm overreacting!  I'm just plain mad. 

I went back to the RE today for my 2nd blood draw & while I was there they decided to do a sono as my numbers were so high they were sure they would see something.  I was terrified.  I wanted my hubby there with me in case anything went wrong & just kept texting him.  Well, they did the sono & saw a yolk sac right where it belongs!  One obstacle down.  When I went in to see the Dr. he stated that I have some subcuntaneous bleeding that could cause spotting & not to worry.  Not to worry???!!!  Seriously?? I came home & googled the word a thousand times!  He explained that it could just be from the embryo burrowing & the blood has to go somewhere.  Ugh.  Then he went on to explain it was not an issue...unless later on it got between the baby & the uterus.  Ummmm ok then why even mention it?  I make up enough to worry about on my own!!  Finally he said that he wanted to see my numbers more than double as it's been 3 days since my last.

I got the call at noon that my HCG was 4593.  This number is still amazing for 19 dpo but it didn't even double in 3 days.  It has a doubling time of 84hrs!  The nurse said it was great & they'd see me on 9/8 for my next sono.  Well now all I've been doing is worrying.  I'm not sure if I should call back for a third just for a peace of mind.  I googled (of course) & a lot of the sites say that once the level is passed 1200 it doubles every 72-96 hrs.  But I just can't get it out of my head that the Dr specifically said he wants to see it more than doubled.

All I know is I was so hoping to just get pregnant & not worry.  Who was I kidding?!  Why couldn't the stupid numbers just double at least???!!!  Why can't there be no talk of spotting & what it might mean for me?!  I'm exhuasted & nauseous to all heck, but no boob pain or anything else.  I can't will the 8th to get here fast enough, yet at the same time I'm so afraid to find out bad news.  How am I in this position again?!  The whole thing seems so unfair & I'm mad.  I'm sorry if I am overreacting & thank you for still being a place that I can come to & vent.

Ok so I went in this morning & they just called w/my first numbers & they are GREAT!  Like super high!  Today I am 16 dpo & my beta is 2543, progesterone 22!  I just checked out what it was for Addy & @ 17 dpiui it was 1378.  I thought that was high!  So I go back Monday (as long as Hurricane Irene doesn't close us down) for my second beta & then on Thurs 9/1 for our first sono!  This all seems surreal!  Thank you ladies for keeping me in your prayers & all your kinds words.  It seems so weird to be going through all of this again.  I am trying so hard to remain positive & trust the Lord.  Good thing I'll be distracted (hopefully not too much) by Irene & packing.  Will update soon.

Man this is the most I've written in a while!!  I've missed you gals!

Ok so I've been out of town in an area w/no internet & DYING because boy do I have some updates for you ladies!  First I wanted to thank you all for your kinds words on my last post.  Still after 3 yrs you are here for me & I couldn't be more grateful. 

So I ended up going to the RE & they could not find a cause for my pain.  They did a sono, exam & bloodwork but said it was after I ovulated & that could be why.  So he wanted to follow me through a cycle to see if he could pin it down.  I explained that we were trying & was left with instructions to call if I happened to get pregnant or when I got my period to go in for CD 3 blood work.

During the 2WW we learned that my hubby did indeed get a transfer & that we would be moving in 28 short days.  We need to find a place to live & pack all in that time.  So upstate we went & spent 5 days driving around finding NOTHING.  We were so stressed & looked at some real dives.  I mean these places were absurd & not a home at all.  Finally on our second to last day we went to a place that was originally $250 more & she went down.  It is 4 bedrooms, w/a massive (& I mean massive) finished attic that will become a playroom & 1/2 an acre yard!  Upstate is absolutely nothing like Long Island so I was nervous to end up in the sticks without any possibility to find new friends.  But the town we will be moving too is actually populated & I'm right around the block from the library!  I LOOOVE libraries!  Hubby's office is also just around the corner & not 1.5 hrs away like now!  HOLY COW he'll be home so much more.

And you want to know why his being home more will be so much more important???!!!  Because I AM PREGNANT!!  Yeah that's right!  Crazy isn't it?  I tested while we were upstate staying @ hubby's brothers & it was postive!  It was absolutely the last thing I expected!  I had to pee @ 5:45am & decided to see.  Needless to say we did not fall back to sleep.  I wanted so bad to come share the news with you ladies & ask for prayers.  I hated not having internet.  I am so excited, yet terrified.  Thankfully because I went to the RE for the ovulations pains, I get to go back for my betas & early sonos!!  We don't move til the 12th so I'll at least get one sono in before we go.  We didn't get home until 2am last night, so I finally go & get some numbers tomorrow & boy am I anxious.  I took the positive test on Mon so you can imagine the wait is killing me.  I do not feel pregnant & am trying so hard not to obsess.  I am certainly bloated & gassy, but my boobs do not hurt & that is the one thing I remember w/Adelyn.  But every pregnancy is different right?  Ok now I think I'm must talking myself down from the ledge.  Please pray that God allows us to carry this little one to term.  Adelyn would be such an amazing big sister.  If you could please also pray for our move.  If this pregnancy does succeed & is anything like Adelyn, these next couple of weeks will be tough.  Throwing a move in there should be interesting.

     I hope everyone else is doing well.  I know there are some of you still praying for your miracle babies, suffering loss or trying for #2 & you are ALWAYS in my prayers.

Yup that's right.  After almost 2 years of being away I go back @ 8:15am tomorrow & I am a wreck.  All day I have been emotional just thinking about the last time I was there & so much of what I've been through just comes flooding back.  I've tried to explain to my mom & hubby but they don't get it.  And that's when I thought of all of you!  So here's the backstory.

I got my period back when Adelyn turned 6 months.  Because I was still BFing it was pretty irregular but at some point in between I kept getting really bad cramps.  But not like cramps, as they were more of a shooting pain that started by my left ovary & went down my leg.  They are excruciating & come in waves.  Around the 3rd time this had happened I realized it was while I was ovulating but still convinced myself it had to do w/BFing. Because they only happen for a short time they are easy to forget about when it's over.  I assumed it had to do with BFing & once I stopped last month, I still had the pain but only once & for about 15 min.  Now when I say excruciating I'm not kidding.  When it happens I am incapable of standing up, nonetheless, taking care of Adelyn.  Luckily, it has happened a few times while hubby is home, but not every time. 

Once I stopped BFing my period came back right on track & hubby & I have decided to try for #2.  This decision alone is terrifying as I'm sure many of you can imagine.  We did an IUI for Addy but felt confident that w/the baby aspirin & Folbic prescription that we would hopefully not suffer any losses.  Of course I second guess this decision a thousand times a day, but I need to trust my body & that God will be there to help us through.  So this month we have actively been trying.  Using OPK, temping, the whole nine.  Well after doing the deed the other night I was woken up @ 3am with the worst pain ever!!!   Sadly, this proved my theory wrong about it being due to BFing. I was up for 2 hours in so much pain I was sick to my stomach.  After taking some tylenol & putting heat on it, it subsided enough for me to fall back to sleep (for an hr before Addy woke).  I hoped that it was over but I just kept getting the pain.  I called my midwife who didn't seem too concerned w/it but after a full day I called my RE's office.  I explained what was going on & they told me to come in tomorrow.

I don't know if I'm overreacting but here I am trying to get pregnant again & doing my best to trust my body & am filled with so much doubt.  What if we lose another baby?  What will I do?  What if something else is wrong?  It would be so unfair.  I thought we figured out my problem.  I don't know.  I'm just so all over the place & returning to the RE when I didn't think we'd have to is so very hard.  I know that some of you are still fighting for your miracles & I don't mean to come across as ungrateful or borrowing trouble, but the truth is I'm scared.  I'm scared & once again no one IRL gets it.  They all think that once Addy got here it all goes away.  I forget what I went through & stop worrying about it.  And maybe I should, but I can't.  So please, keep me in your prayers as I am in our first 2WW & have no idea what is going on with these intense ovulation pains.  I want to be positive but my mind just keeps going back to all the things that can go/be wrong.  Hopefully I'll have some answers tomorrow.

So Adelyn's SMO's came in a week early & she's been wearing them for 5 days now.  We started off wearing them 1 hr the first day, 2 hrs the second, etc.  By day 7 she will be wearing them full time.  They are so much smaller than I thought & she is handling them quite well.  We are still going to PT & go on the 10th to see a different Orthopedic just to get a 2nd opinion & have someone who will check up on how she is handling the braces as she wears them.  Here are some pics of what they look like so you have an idea.  Please pray that they are able to help her as she so badly wants to start walking!

Sorry it has taken me so long to report how things went w/the Orthopedic.  First & foremost I need to express my complete disgust in the health care system.  After making us wait an hour to be seen (yes I know it could've been worse) the Dr. strode in to the office, spoke to us for maybe 5 min, moved Addy's ankles a bit & made her stand up.  After this, he says that he thinks that he will write us a script for SMO's w/a VERY BRIEF explanation that they are small ankle height braces that she will have to wear for 3 months.  At this point he walks out & says he'll be back with the script.  I start asking hubby a bunch of questions like what are they exactly, does she need to get shoes w/them, how do you get them & all other basic information one would think would be supplied w/out needing to ask.  Hubby tells me to calm down & ask when the doc returns with the script.  Yeah, he never did!  He sent some woman in w/it & when I asked her the questions she said she didn't know!!!  Then I reiterated at the front desk that I was given a script w/3 letters on it & had no clue what to do with it.  Do I just swing by a drug store & pick them up or do I need to go to a medical supply place?  She ended up giving me a card & saying if I have more questions to call the Dr's personal assistant the next morning when she will be in!  Seriously???!!  Why even make a friggin' appt?
So after leaving I am forced to make a ton of phone calls over a 2 hr time frame only to learn that I need to make yet another appt with what is called an Orthotist.  At this appt. they put casts on her feet & have to saw them off.  These are used for the measurement to make the braces which will take about 2 weeks.  We have this appt tomorrow morn & I am a wreck over her freaking out when they saw them off.  I am also just feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing.  After the appt from hell, I called both my Dr (who recommended him) & my PT & they both supported the decision to get the SMO's but to go back to another Orthopedic after she has been wearing them for a month, to see how she is doing.  The jerk I saw didn't even want to check on her progress.  Just wanted me to come back after the 3 months were up!  My PT was appalled by the whole thing.  My Dr could've showed more remorse. 

So after researching them what I've learned is that they are not very intrusive & have really come a long way in design.  She will have to wear socks & shoes while they are on which will be different as she has not been allowed to wear any shoes until now.  So she will go from barefoot to braces & shoes.  There is one specific brand called SureSteps that seem to be the best & I will fight to get these for her.  If you check out the link, you can see what they look like http://www.surestep.net/why.php.  I'm not sure how she is going to deal with the whole thing but I am remaining hopeful & praying that they do the job.  My poor little stink really wants to walk & both of us seem to be getting a bit discouraged.  Please keep us in prayer as we jump this hurdle.  I will update once we get her braces!

My baby girl turned one yesterday & it still hasn't registered!  How did a whole year go by?  Where is my tiny baby?!  I still look at her a hundred times a day & can't believe she is here & fall in love with her more & more.  As much as I miss my little tiny nugget, I love the toddler she is turning in to.  Adelyn is such a happy carefree little girl & she bring her daddy & I (and anyone around her) so much joy. 

We had are super huge birthday party & it was so much fun!  My friend w/the twins due the same day she was, made her a vegan cake so that she was able to partake in her own birthday sweets & she loved it!  Everyone else got to eat a delicious chocolate cake we got from Costco that we decorated ourselves.  Was so surprised how good it was. 

I swear every time I post I say I'm going to try & write more & then I turn around & it's been weeks!!  My baby girl is 11.5 months (only 17 days away from her first birthday!!!)!  She finally cut her very first tooth a week shy of turning 11 months.  She had every single indicator too, such as nursing strike, the runs, diaper rash, super drool & a fever.  Needless to say she is not a graceful teether.  Her second one came in only one short week later & all of this started again.  However, she was much more fussy & waking up screaming in the middle of the night.  Then her temp spiked up to 102.5 & off to the Dr's we went!  What do we find out there???  That she has a double ear infection!!!  Oy poor baby.  We are now on the last day of her antibiotics & she is doing a ton better, but it has been a rough couple of weeks.  The combo of the teething & the meds made for some pretty upset tummy's & very messy diapers.

In addition to all of this we have also started weaning.  Now if I had known prior to starting to wean that she was going to get so sick, I NEVER would have started.  I had the intention of dropping one feeding (we do 4) a week but this was definitely extended once she got sick.  In preparation for weaning, I introduced the straw sippy about a month prior with almond milk (still dairy free) during her solid feedings.  She took to it no problem!  So I assumed as she is not a big BFer & never has been, weaning would go relatively well.  I was wrong!  I started with the mid morning feed & she absolutely refused to drink anything from the sippy!  This went on for 9 days until I finally decided to take the leap & drop the afternoon feed.  I decided if she still refused I'd have no choice than to use a bottle & wean from that later.  Luckily, dropping the 2nd feed did the trick!!  She doesn't drink nearly as much as I would hope (only 2-3oz per feed) but she is still BFing morn & night so I'm confident she is getting enough.  Supposed to drop the morning feed this weekend but I'm not feeling very confident about it.  Guess we'll see how it goes.  My motivation is pizza!!!  Oh how I miss pizza!!

As I mentioned Adelyn will be a year old in only 17 more days!  Hubby & I decided that we wanted to have a nice party for her & we are super excited.  I know not everyone does something big for 1st birthdays, but we are still just so happy & overwhelmed that she is here & so is everyone else who wants to come & celebrate her!  So it's party time!!!  We even have a special egg & dairy free cake so my love can partake!!  I think she's going to devour it!! 

We are still doing physical therapy once a week & she is slowly starting to improve.  We have an appt with an ortho but not until stinkin' July 13th, to see if we need to get special shoes.  Outside of not walking, she is still reaching all other milestones & truly impressing her mommy & daddy with how very smart & determined she is.  She has really started picking up on her signs & now does more, all done, milk, please & we are still working on Dada & thank you.  My most favorite thing she has started to do is dance!  I have no idea where she learned it from, but as soon as she hears music she starts to dance & it couldn't be cuter!!  She also loves to give Mama kisses (w/a big ol' open mouth) but refuses to give any to Dada which makes him very sad.  Adelyn is most definitely a Mama's girl. 

I think that is all that is going on here!  Hope everyone is doing well. 

Thank you all so much for your comments on my previous post.  We went to see the physical therapist that Thurs & she said there is definitely an issue (duh!) & we are seeing her once weekly right now.  She was going to talk to my Dr to discuss whether or not we should see an orthopedist just to make sure it isn't due to bone structure or anything like that & also to decide on whether we should put her in shoes w/inserts (like you mentioned Nat).  I didn't hear from either the PT or my Dr & was hoping for some answers when we went in today for our 2nd appt only to learn my Dr has been out of the office all week due to the holiday weekend.  Bummer.  So the PT said she had already scheduled a time with her office to talk to her today & come up with a game plan.  I hoping to hear from either one of them soon.  At my last Dr's. appt, she didn't seem to keen on the shoes, but I think that both the PT & I are leaning that way at this point.  The PT did explain that some Dr's feel it takes away important sensory information the babes get walking around without them, but the way I see it she ain't walking!!!  I will see what her opinion are after talking with the PT & go from there.  Just don't feel like getting in a battle over it & praying it doesn't come to that. 

Other than that, I do think it seems to be helping.  She is NOT happy during the appts & only wants to be in Mama's arms.  As you can imagine it is soooooooooo hard not to just scoop her up & let her know she's ok.  We do a lot of exercises at home, but unlike the PT I can't stand making her cry & can only do so much without feeling guilty.  Today, she did a thousand times better then last week when she cried like mad the entire time.  At least this time there were breaks in between crying fits.  She is letting us hold her feet in the corrected position a lot longer but will still stand funny without any help.  I am trying not to get discouraged but it is so hard when I know she would be walking if it weren't for this issue.  I watch as all my friends babes start passing her & as much as I know it is BAD to compare, I still do it!  Oy. 

On top of all of this Adelyn has finally gotten her first tooth only a few weeks shy of turning 11 months.  She is certainly NOT a graceful teether.  Prior to the tooth coming through she went on a hard core nursing strike.  At the time I had no idea what was causing it.  Once that stinker finally broke through she went right back to nursing.  But now she wants nothing to do with solids.  She is also waking MAD early & rarely falls back to sleep.  And my normally always happy silly baby is so very cranky these days.  She already has the 2nd tooth coming through & hopefully after that we'll be done for a bit. 

So my little pumpkin started crawling when she was almost 9 months & pulling herself  up shortly thereafter.  At first she was only up for short periods of time so I didn't really focus too much on how she was standing.  Over time she was standing for longer periods of time but seemed to get sad or frustrated.  Around this time I started to realize that she was standing quite a bit on the insides of her feet.  She always had socks &/or pants on so I didn't really see how bad it really was.  One day she was checking out our ferret (she LOVES her) w/out socks on when I was shocked by just how bad it looked!  I tried not to stress too much & waited until our 10 month appt.  I knew Adelyn would not perform so I took pics of her before we went.  This is one of the shots that best show it.

Well my precious baby girl turned 10 months yesterday & I still wake up more mornings than most thanking God for her.  Having finally gotten to a point where I can trust myself to be the mommy God intended me to be, I am the happiest I've ever been in my entire life.  Mother's Day was a very difficult day for me as I shed more tears than I thought I would.  I wanted to post on here but felt almost like a hypocrite as I have my miracle babe and who was I to feel sad.  But than I saw from many of your posts, that I was not alone.  Once again you women understood me when no one else could.  That's why I love this community.  Naturally I shed tears of joy as this is my first official Mother's Day with an earthly child, but mostly my tears were for those women who have yet to realize their dreams come true.  Those emotions came back to me as if they were yesterday & I struggled throughout the day thinking of my angel babes & how I still miss them so very much.  To those women still struggling you are constantly in my thoughts & prayers.

Over the past couple of months, Adelyn has truly begun to blossom!  She began crawling about a month or so ago & can I just say mobility is a whole new ball game!!!  She was on her hands & knees for almost 6 weeks before finally going & once she did, she took off!  She sits up, stands & is trying to walk along furniture now too.  Sadly, we have to bring her in to the Dr. to see if we need to see a specialist about her feet as she is standing on the insides of them & it is quite bad.  We go tomorrow so please keep her in your prayers that it is not a big issue.  She loves to pull everything off the table & out of her toy box so it has been a lot of me chasing her around saying "NO!".  Half of the time she listens the other half she just laughs at me...grr.  Believe it or not we have yet to see any teeth & this whole wondering if she is teething thing is driving me nuts!  Everyone keeps telling me it is better for them when they get teeth later but I think that is like telling a bride it is good luck to have rain on their wedding day.  Just something to say so they don't feel so bad..lol. 

We have recently also gotten her snaps on her diapers as she has learned what fun it is to pull the velcro off & they are working out a lot better!  At first I was not a fan as the velcro was so convenient for fit, but now I've been converted.  Snaps is the way to go!  We are on 2 naps & Adelyn is still an all over the place sleeper.  After dropping her 3rd nap (lovely!), she finally started sleeping in again & even waking up around 7:30am!!  However, for some reason the little terror has decided after doing this for 2 months that she was going to start waking up @ exactly 6am again!  Punk!  I really think she is just in tune with when the sun rises (no matter how cavelike I make her room) & her morning wake time will change with it.  Unfortunate for me but certainly not the end of the world.  I do wonder when you other mom's went to 1 nap?  How old were your LO's? 

Our biggest issue currently is eating.  I have many friends/family who had babies within weeks of Adelyn & they all breastfeed.  I have watched as their babes get SUPER excited when it comes time to eat.  Adelyn has never been like this & I never thought anything of it.  When it was time to eat she would eat.  She just didn't share the excitement that the other babies did.  We introduced solids via BLW @ 6 months & went to 3X a day at about 7.5 months & she is a champ.  She has her bouts of eating more some days & barely eating any the next & I know that is the norm.  As we did more solids she became less & less interested in BFing & I've really had to extend the time in between to get her to eat at all.  Due to her milk protein allergy, I had decided that I was going to wean @ 12 months but really take my time doing it.  Sadly, Adelyn has decided she is going to wean faster than mommy would like.  I have done everything to try & get her to eat more, but she mainly just takes the boob in the morning & before bed.  She will maybe drink a bit from one side during the day.  I currently feed her around 7am, 11am (this one she barely eats at all), 3:30-4pm & 7:30pm.  My problem is that I have no desire to introduce formula as it would need to be that expensive dairy free stuff & it is too early to introduce milk (almond in this case).  So what the heck am I supposed to do??!  Any suggestions greatly appreciated. 

Well after only sleeping 35 min my lil' Monster is awake & partying in her crib.  This is what I get for letting her take a long nap this morning!  Grr. 

I leave you with this!

This is her Kiss face!

Ok ladies I need your help!  A while back I asked for some good mommy blogs to follow & am sad to say, I heeded none of the advice given.  I find that I am too short on time to go through a bunch of them, so I thought if each of you could give me 1 or 2 of your favorite blogs that you follow that would be great!!!  Obviously it doesn't have to be just mommy blogs as I am & always will be a member of the baby loss community & would love to support someone through their struggles.  Any & all help would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks!

When Adelyn was first born, I knew for a fact that I did not want to leave the blogging community.  I had all intentions of turning this in to a mommy blog w/the hopes of updating on all her milestones & how my life had changed since she arrived.  Sadly, I found myself struggling to write about all of the joyful moments as I got stuck in a dark place for a bit.  I don't know so much if what I dealt with was your typical PPD or if it was more along the lines of my type A personality & my anxiety clashing.  What I do know is that it took me a little while to focus on what my problems were & how to deal with them.  However, once I did this I felt "fake" just jumping in & writing about our daily lives & just kept putting it off.  So I have decided to man up & call myself out!

The first 3 months of Adelyn's life were literally blissful.  I know that this time frame is often the most difficult for new mom's, but for me everything just seemed to go so smoothly & fall into place.  Adelyn was an unbelievably good sleeper & slept through the night for the first time @ 4 weeks.  She probably would have sooner, but I was setting the alarm to feed her every 3 hours out of fear of losing my milk supply.  It wasn't until my Dr gave me the go ahead to see if she could make it all the way through & that first night I tried, she did!  It wasn't always consistent but @ 8 weeks it became so.  I am sad to say though, that I remember very little of that time also.  Of course we dealt w/the witching hour & learning everything but I got passed them & survived.  I went with the flow & didn't give too much thought to how long she was awake or what time I put her down.  She always made it clear when she was tired so I didn't struggle too much with daytime naps either.  As you may remember we learned of her dairy allergy @ 3 weeks but even then she was still her pleasant happy self & it did not affect her sleep.

Around 4 months old things changed & the food issues became more serious & Adelyn was obviously in a lot of pain.  We luckily figured out how to manage this pain (by making mommy starve) & this was short lived.  During this time she also stopped sleeping through the night, waking up a number of times & her naps which were once 1.5-2 hrs were only 45 minutes.  When this started happening it was so difficult for me to figure out.  I was sure I had done something wrong & I hopped on the computer to see what I could learn.  When I did this I found a thread where other Babywise mom's discussed their issues & helped each other out.  I thought this was great!  I posted our problems & got about 20 different solutions.  I spent weeks trying each one & just getting more & more detached from being Adelyn's mommy & more obsessed w/fitting this idea that my baby should be awake for so long & asleep for so long.  I can sit here & blame the Babywise concept or even the other ladies who gave suggestions, but the truth is, it was my fault.  I kept reading how "perfect" all these other babies were & I wanted so badly for Adelyn to fit that mold.  From about 4.5 to 7 months I was terribly miserable.  Every now & then Adelyn would have a good day of napping or sleeping through & I was sure things would get better, but than the very next day we were back to chaos.  I kept listening to strangers & ignoring my mommy instinct.  I think that there are a number of different & great parenting techniques out there for so many different personalities, but I made BW my end all.  The women on the thread I found, all though well intentioned had literally made it their religion.  They lived & breathed this stuff.  I read so many posts of other mom's sounding as desperate as I was & calling themselves failures.  God had blessed us with babies He knows we are capable of raising!  Who are we do doubt Him!?

Sadly, it took me almost 4 months to realize all of this & during that time I had missed out on so much with my precious baby.  I sit here with tears in my eyes as I think of it.  I know that some of you use BW & I in no way mean to come across as it being a bad thing.  It has done a lot of positive for us.  I do not blame the technique; instead I blame myself.  My personality did not allow me to take the important bits & pieces & fit them into my lifestyle & Adelyn's personality. Instead I tried to fit my lifestyle & Adelyn's personality into the parenting technique/concept.  I don't doubt that hormones played a part in my struggle, but I know that they weren't the entire cause.  This has taken me a while to come to terms with, but I am grateful I have.  When Adelyn turned 7 months my MIL & SIL both encouraged me to just follow her lead.  To stop looking @ the clock & what other babies did & just "hear" what my daughter was telling me.  After only 1 week of doing this it was like the sun had finally started to shine again!  She started napping like a champ & sleeping great at night!  I stopped allowing some book or concept to raise her & I stopped doubting myself & comparing her to other babies & just starting enjoying her.  I don't mean to say I flushed everything down the toilet because I didn't.  I just did what I should have done from the beginning.  I took the parts/ideas I agreed with or liked & used them to our benefit. 

The truth is I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to be persuaded by (although well intentioned) strangers who knew nothing about my baby.  I doubted myself so much, I thougth they could raise her better.  My baby girl is perfect.  She does not fit a mold or a "typical" schedule, but she does get the sleep she needs, structure and above all else love.  She is my world & I am so sorry I let those months slip by & even willed them away at times.  Now when things don't go according to plan (which is pretty often-she is a baby), I no longer cry & fear that my baby won't develop properly or spiral into a state of overtiredness, but instead roll with it & trust the instincts that the Lord has so perfectly blessed me with.  Now I hope to be able to share with you more often what our happier & healthier lifestyle is like!  God Bless.

I know I've said it before but where does the time go???!!  My precious Addy baby is 8 months old today & I just can't wrap my brain around it!

Let's see what we've been up to.  Haven't posted in a while so I'm sure this will be long & all over the place.  Over the past 3 months sleep of any sort has pretty much gone down the drain.  My little monster has never been a good napper, but I always had night sleep on my side.  I guess it was only time until the lack of daytime sleep caught up & interfered with her night sleep.  It started out with waking an hour earlier than usual (6 instead of 7).  Wasn't thrilled at first but dealt with it.  Somehow that suddenly turned into 5am & as you saw from my last post, this I was a little less thrilled about.  Who knew then that I would end up missing her waking @ 5am!?  For the past 2.5 weeks Adelyn has decided to wake up anywhere from 1:30am-4am!!!  At first figured she was hungry & would feed her but nooooo as soon as I put her back down she was WIDE AWAKE.  She doesn't even cry (at first).  She wakes up & talks for about 45min before she realizes "gee, I'm tired" & starts to cry/whine.  She will do this for another 45min or so until she falls asleep.  And the kicker is she still wakes up @ 5-6am even after this!!!  I have done everything I can to help her nap better during the day.  I have also tried feeding, rocking, patting, shooshing her back to bed in the middle of the night w/very minimal luck.  I am just working at remaining consistent, praying A LOT and hoping that this is a phase that will eventually pass.  Please Lord let it pass......soon.

Even without sleep Addy is her daddy's daughter & is super active.  She can get up on her hands & knees & rock back and forth but has yet to move forward.  She does go backwards quite a bit.  I don't think she will crawl any time soon though.  Addy has her own means of transportation that works just fine for her at the time being.  I refer to it as tumbleweeding.  She will roll all over the house!  If something is out of reach she will roll her way to it.  She does love sitting up though & does a great job of going from sitting up to laying down on her belly (so she can roll around naturally).  She is her mommy's daughter in the sense that she never stops talking :)!  Her favorite things to say are hi, Mama & Dada.  In addition, to this she squeals & makes these adorable noises that I can only describe as when a puppy whimpers.  She has a very delicate voice (when not squealing) & it is just so pretty to listen to.

Her Nani & Papa got her the My Baby Can Read CD/Flashcard for Christmas & although we're not big on TV too much, we do enjoy doing the flashcards together.  Today when we did the arms up flashcard she put her arms up!!!  We said arms down & she did that too!  Love all her new accomplishments.  I'm such a proud Mama. 

I am still breastfeeding but not sure how much longer that is going to last.  It is my ultimate goal to make it to 1 year but as I've previously mentioned my daughter is HYPER.  Therefore feeding has become quite the task.  I go in her room, keep the lights off & feed her in her glider & she still pulls off over a hundred times to look around & play.  Last time we went to her ped her weight went from the 55%tile to the 21st%tile.  Although these numbers are often geared toward formula fed babies so I try not to stress too often, her recent eating habits are probably a big part of this.  We have another appt on the 23rd & if her weight continues to drop I will go from there.  I have given myself small goals throughout this whole BFing process & it has worked for me, so I will continue & pray for guidance. 

I'm sure there are tons of other things I want to write about but hubby just put The Big Bang Theory on & I can't focus.  So I will leave you with a picture of my little monkey.



Helping Mommy clean her diapers

 Hope you are all doing well.  God Bless.

I realize I haven't written in ages but I have a good excuse!  I'm exhausted.  Now I know we are all pretty much exhausted but I'm a waking up @ 5am every day exhausted!!!  Adelyn used to wake up @ 7am no matter what!  It was glorious!  I would put her to bed around 7:30-8, daddy & I would spend 2 hrs together before going to bed @ 10pm & I would get 8-9 glorious hours of sleep.  It has been 2 months since this has happened!!

The first week of January, Adelyn suddenly started waking at 6am on the nose.  No earlier, no later.  6am!  I originally tried to just leave her in the crib but than her morning nap got all screwed up & our day went south from there.  Sadly, this resulted in poor napping.  I tried putting her to bed earlier & moved to 7pm & finally 6:30pm.  This early of a bedtime sucks but she would still sleep til 6am so it was obvious she needed the sleep.  So I realized that she was still getting 11.5 straight hours of sleep & I was still getting 8 & decided that our new start time was 6am.  Once I got her up as soon as she woke her napping got a ton better & it seemed like we were on the right track.  WRONG!!!  Now she is waking up @ 5am!!!!  5am!!!  I have tried feeding her & putting her back down but noooooooo she is ready to start the day!  The earlier she wakes up the earlier she is ready for bed & her poor Dada never gets to see her!!  I was hoping this was just a phase but it's been almost two months & has only gotten worse & I am exhausted!!! 

Outside of this crazy waketime, Addy is always happy!  She is starting to try & crawl & pull herself up on things.  She likes to do what I call tumbleweeding around the house to get around.  She can army crawl but instead chooses to roll over & over (& over) to get to where she needs to go.  She loves play dates & is enamored with other babies.  She gives a high pitch squeal of excitement every time she sees them (or her doggy!).  We are full force into solids now & she eats just about everything.  We are still BFing & I am happy to say she is now taking a bottle!  This means I can go out if I pump & leave some milk behind!!!  Woot woot!!!  I'm sure there are a ton of other great milestones Addy has reached but it is 10am & I've already been up for 5 hours & can't think straight.  If anyone has any tips or advice it would be readily accepted!!! 

Hoping you are all doing well & praying for & thinking of you daily! 

Today I had one of the most frightening days of my life.  I was so busy dealing with everything that it wasn't until after the fact that everything hit me & I just sat down & cried.  Actually, I still keep crying.  I know that everyone doesn't understand or  they may think I'm exaggerating but I know that my faithful bloggie friends will understand.

After being a little fussy this morning, Adelyn went down for her afternoon nap & slept 2 whole hours.  If you knew my baby girl, you would know this doesn't happen often.  She woke up & coughed a bit but looked like she was going to roll back over & go to sleep.  This would be really unusual, so I watched her on the video monitor to see.  She coughed again than rolled from her side/belly to her back.  I figured she wasn't going back to bed & was about to go get her when she vomited profusely.  I ran in there & she was covered & all her lunch was all over.  I got her up & cleaned her off.  She was a little lethargic but seemed ok otherwise.  I sat in the glider to feed her & she started to get drowsy & fall asleep on the first boob.  That's when I knew she wasn't feeling well & just let her fall asleep.  Unfortunately that didn't happen as she vomited again all over both of us & the glider.  She kept going for a while & when she was finally done I put her up on the changing table & took all her (& my) soaked clothes off.  Even on the table she was still trying to play even though she was obviously exhausted.  She kept choking & throwing up while I frantically called my mom & hubby to get there.  At this point she was pretty out of it.  I called the Dr who put me on hold.  Well while on hold Adelyn threw up again & than lost all color in her face & went limp my arms.  She totally passed out!  When the Dr came back on I was frantic!  I was so sure I was going to lose my little miracle.  I know this may be seem melodramatic but I have been through so much to get her here & there she was in my arms & lifeless.  She came to after only about 30 seconds but was pretty catatonic & unresponsive. 

The Dr stayed on the phone with me & reassured me that it was due to the energy she exhausted by throwing up for 45 min & dehydration.  Addy fell asleep in my arms & she told me to keep an eye on her & that a bad stomach bug was going around.  My mom brought pedialite (the dr recommended) & once Adelyn woke she was a hundred times better.  Still pretty pale & tired but more like herself.  She went to bed (after a quick bath) pretty early & has been sleeping since.  I am hoping that whatever it was has passed.  I will probably be in that room a hundred times tonight to make sure she is ok. 

I have NEVER been so scared in my life.  Lately things with her have been so difficult with her waking early & not napping & I've been at my wits end.  It is amazing how little that matters now!   My precious baby girl mean so very much to me & as long as she is happy & healthy who cares if she isn't napping well or waking mommy up @ 5am!!  None of that is important!  She is my everything & I am so thankful that she is ok.  I will be fine if I never have to go through anything like that again.  It has taught me a valuable lesson though.  My baby girl is so strong & her mommy a little bit stronger after today.  Please pray that she continues to get better & is able to get some rest.

Hope all of you ladies are doing well.  I don't get to write as much as I would like but I think of you all often.  God bless.

So as many of you may remember back in August my diet drastically changed when Addy starting having more blood than poops in her diaper.  It has been 5 months since I have had any dairy or soy  products & we are only just starting to try reintroducing.  Needless to say I am crazy nervous about this, but the allergist seemed confident.  He said that I should just introduce the foods straight to Addy as she is currently eating solids.  He doesn't believe it is a true allergy (she was tested), but that she has a pretty bad intolerance.  I thought I would be excited about reintroducing foods just so I can have my favorites like pizza & cream cheese but I find I'm more excited for another reason.  I am so absolutely sick & tired of people mentioning my weight with utter disgust on their faces but not feeling bad because instead of being overweight I'm underweight!! 

I am only barely 5'2" & prior to getting pregnant with Adelyn, I weighed about 120.  Not overweight by any means, but I certainly had a bit of a pouch.  At my highest during the pregnancy I reached 152.  The baby weight went a lot quicker than I thought thanks to breastfeeding & being so insanely active while pregnant.  Once I cut pretty much all processed foods & could not eat out any longer, I continued losing a substantial amount of weight.  I am most happy at around 115 & am currently at 105.  The lowest I reached was 102 at which point I started working really hard to put weight back on & keep it on.  It seems that with this diet I won't get much higher than 105.  I know many of you are probably thinking whoa is me, but just like someone who has too much weight on is not comfortable with their body image, neither am I with being too thin.  I lose & gain mostly in my face & I feel like I look gaunt & unhealthy & this makes me unhappy.    My biggest issue though is the comments people make.  I'm not doing this by choice.  I am on this diet so that I can continue to breastfeed my daughter.  It is neither easy or fun!  Telling me I need to eat does not help!  Trust me if I was allowed I would eat a whole darn pizza & finish it off with about six snickers bars!  Pointing out someones weight is never polite & doing it while looking at me like I'm doing it on purpose makes it worse!  Although I have heard comments throughout, it seems like lately people are pointing it out (as if I didn't know!) more & more.  And I'm not just talking acquaintances.  My family, my church family, my close friends...everyone! Ugh I'm so over it!  Ok sorry for the vent.  I"ll  leave on a happier note w/a pic of Addy & I enjoying the snow!

I can't believe my little girl is 6 months old today!!!  Every day seems likes an adventure and new things keep happening.  My amazing baby girl "talks" all the time, can sit up & is slowly starting to eat solids all on her own (Thanks Ella!).  These are just a few of the things she is up to lately.  Sadly, she still has this terrible cold that she just can't shake but it is intefering with her sleep less & less thank goodness!

Sometimes it is hard to remember my little nugget as a newborn.  Those days really did fly by!  She really is such an amazing girl.  With all the colds (3rd one already!) & her tummy issues, she is still just a happy pleasant baby to be around.  We are so very blessed to be her parents.  Every day I look forward to what she has in store.  Even on the tough days all I can think about is how very much I love her!  Our journey to our Addy baby was not an easy one, but in the end it was Gods plan not mine!!

I love you with all my heart my precious Adelyn Gail & can not wait to watch you grow up!