The 42 Books of 2017

In 2017, I had a goal of reading 40 books over the year. I'm excited that I met the goal - reading 42 books! Most were great, a few were duds, but all brought some value over the course of the year. Here they are! 

1. A Man Called Ove, by Fredrik Backman (an audio book) - My first book of 2017! My friend and I listened to it on audio book for our drive back from Colorado today, and then I finished on Kindle when I got home. It reminded me of a cross between the movie "Up" and the book "The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry," and is about a curmudgeonly man in Sweden struggling after the death of his wife. I enjoyed this book the more that it progressed - there are many depressing elements but it is ultimately warm, heartearming, and uplifting. Definitely recommended!

2. Love Warrior, by Glennon Doyle Melton (author whose blog I follow) - This is the second book by blogger Glennon Doyle Melton that I have read. I follow and absolutely love her blog, Momastery. This book focuses on her marriage and is very well written. I've read some reviews that think that it shares too many personal details, but that didn't bother me - probably because I am also an over-sharer! Recommended if you enjoyed her other book or blog.

3. Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City, by Matt Desmond (a book that can change your life) - Oh my gosh. This book! If you are at all interested in understanding urban poverty, you must read this book. It's by a Harvard sociologist and focuses on the lives of tenants who are evicted and landlords in Milwaukee, WI over the course of the year. It's a page-turner and so eye-opening.

4. Paying the Price: College Costs, Financial Aid, and the Betrayal of the American Dream, by Sara Goldrick-Rab (a book I read in one day) - I read this book during our "ice day." It focuses on the lives of first-generation college students who are Pell-grant eligible, intersected with all kinds of data from a representative survey study. I felt like I previously had a good pulse on the struggles and limitations of college costs/affordability, but the book was very well done and eye-opening in many accounts. Recommended if you are interested in understanding higher education.

5. Homegoing, by Yaa Gyasi (a book about slavery and Africa) - A simply amazing book!! This is a novel that follows a family from the 1700s to the present day. The story begins with two half-sisters in Ghana, one of whom is sold into slavery and who is sent to America, and the other whom remains in Ghana. Each chapter is a different generation from either the Ghana/U.S. side of the family. So many themes on race, family, colonialism, slavery, segregation, and so much more. Absolutely, positively recommended!!

6. Uninvited, by Lysa TerKeurst (a Christian women's book) - I really wanted to like this book more, but thought it was a little - watered-down? Unfocused? It made some good points (ultimate one - you can't count on other people to fill you up), but I almost feel like the whole book could have been a one-page bulleted list? I feel bad being critical because the author does come off as super sweet.

7. Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls, by David Sedaris (a humorous book) - This is a series of humorous essays with the common theme of - who knows? I don't think I would get along with the author at all in real life. But parts of it were really, really funny (some in a twisted or black sort of humor way!) and I enjoyed reading it.

8. Hillbilly Elegy, by J. D. Vance (a book on cultural issues) - I saw this book recommended in the wake of the election last year and I expected to be a sociological explanation of Rust Belt America. Instead, it's a very personal memoir about growing up (and ultimately escaping) Appalachia. There aren't as many cited research studies as very personal and powerful stories. I really enjoyed it!

9. We Should All Be Feminists, by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (an extremely short book) - I previously read "Americanah" by the author and loved it. This was a "Kindle short" and I was excited to give it a try. It is an essay on the meaning and importance of feminism. It is a great essay - but is incredibly short!! It took me less than 20 minutes, and maybe even less to read it. But I'm still tracking it in my books for the year since I paid $2.99. :) 

10. Year of Yes, by Shonda Rhimes (a book by a celebrity) - This is a book that a friend recommended. I had never heard of Shonda Rhimes before - or watched any of her TV shows. And I really enjoyed the book! I could totally identify with being an introvert who found it easier to hide from everything -- and how transformative it was to have a year of saying "yes" to everything that had preciously been scary.

11. White Rage: The Unspoken Truth of Our Racial Divide, by Carol Anderson (a book on the black community) - This is a short book on the history of institutional racism against blacks in the U.S., starting from after the Civil War and continuing to the present day. The details on some of the laws and practices from a while back were horrifying, but I found it even harder to read as it approached the present day. I'm glad I read it but now I'm depressed . . .

12. The Secrets of Happy Families, by Bruce Feiler (a parenting book) - A friend of mine recommended this book and I am so glad I read it - it focuses on offering all kinds of suggestions for how to create strong families. Some of the main takeaways are to be flexible/agile, create a family narrative, talk about your family history, create routines, etc. Nothing earth-shattering but I loved the focus on the family as a unit and what you could do to improve that bond! 

13. What She Knew, by Gilly Macmillan (a book I read on an airplane) - A novel about missing-person case of a child, alternating between the viewpoints of the mom and the detective on the case. It started off slowly and is more character-driven than plot-driven, but picked up as the book went on, and there are several interesting twists.

14. I Want My Epidural Back, by Karen Alpert (a book with a lot of profanity) - I read this on the flight from Chicago to Manhattan, which was about 1.5 hours? So pretty short. It reminded me of short blog posts on partnering, with lots of profanity mixed in. I think it would be better as a blog than a book?

15. Wonder, by R. J. Palacio (a book that Annika wanted me to read) - I've been really busy with work and life recently, and haven't had much time to read recently. We are taking a road trip to Colorado today and I read this in the car. It is a children's/young adult book that my daughter read and loved. I just wished I hadn't waited so long! Incredible story about a boy with a facial deformity who goes to middle school for the first time. So many great themes of diversity, kindness, inclusion, friendship, loyalty, etc. It would be a great book to read with your kids!!

16. Present Over Perfect, by Shauna Niequist (a book on simplicity) - This is a book by a Christian author about simplifying and re-centering her life - from going to feeling super busy/productive to slowing down and finding joy in the present moments. The author is definitely writing from a privileged position, but I could relate to many of her feelings and points. As someone who currently feels so overwhelmed at times that it is hard to breathe, I needed this reminder!

17. Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, by Lisa Damour (an adolescent development book) - You guys! This book is so helpful - it is is all about the emotional stages of development of teenage girls. Each chapter is organized around a developmental stage (beginning with early middle school and ending with late high school), and each chapter concludes with a "when to worry" section. 

18. My Not-So-Perfect Life, by Sophie Kinsella (a palate-cleansing book) - This is a "palate-cleanser" book - nice to read something light and fun after some heavier material. Very light book about a girl trying to make it at a design firm in London.

19. Small Great Things, by Jodi Picoult (a novel about racism) - I was so busy in April and didn't finish my library book when I had it. I broke down and bought the Kindle version so I could finish. Really powerful novel about active and passive racism in the U.S.

20. The American Spirit, by David McCullough (a book of speeches) - This is a short, excellent book that is a collection of speeches that the historian David McCullough has given. Most are commencement addresses and involve fascinating narratives about the history of a particular time or place. I love history but have had a hard time finishing his 800+ page books, so this packaging was perfect!

21. The Sun is Also a Star, by Nicola Yoon (a YA book by an author I've enjoyed) - This is a YA novel by the author of "Everything, Everything." It focuses on a fateful day and a chance encounter between a Korean-American boy and a girl in the verge of being deported to Jamaica. I think the storyline is predicated on whether you believe in love at first sight. But I totally bought it and enjoyed reading!

22. Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape, by Peggy Orenstein (a book about sex) - This is a book about teenage girls (seems to focus on ages 15 to 19) and the sexual activity, attitudes, environment, etc. they are facing. There is a lot of discussion of different research studies but the bulk of the book is focusing on interviews with 70 young woman. Not going to lie - a lot of this made me really uncomfortable. I have pretty strong personal opinions in this area and a lot of what was presented really challenged that. But I'd say the top takeaway is that parent/daughter communication is critical, even in this awkward area.

23. The Hour of the Star, by Clarice Lispecror (a book by a South American author) - My book club is discussing this book - we selected it so we could read something by a South American author. I personally found this book bizarre. It takes place in Rio de Janerio and there is almost no plot. The narrator telling the story is also bizarre. The primary plus is that it is short. I am sure I am missing some kind of literary brilliance here, though!

24. The Hate U Give, by Angie Thomas (a book I really want Annika to read) - I loved this book! It is a young-adult novel, but I think that people of any age would get something from it. It is told from the perspective of a girl who is black, who witnesses the police shooting and killing one of her friends after a traffic stop. It was in a voice I haven't read a lot of before and it was very eye-opening. My daughter is reading this, too, and I think it will be great for discussions with her.

25. Brown Girl Dreaming, by Jacqueline Woodson (a book of poems) - This is an autobiographical novel of the author's experiences growing up as a black child living in South Carolina and New York in the 1960s and 1970s. It is written as a series of (non-rhyming) poems and is just beautiful. The book itself is a children/young adult novel, but it was a beautiful, quick read.

26. 13 Reasons Why, by Jay Asher (a book my daughter wanted me to read) - My daughter read this book (got it as a prize for library summer reading). She read it and wanted me to read it - neither of us have seen the TV series. The story is an interesting premise and packaged in a compelling way (series of 13 tapes left behind by a teenage girl before her suicide). However, this is ultimately a "suicide revenge" novel and I truly worry that it glamorizes suicide. My daughter rolled her eyes at my discussion, but if you have a teenager who reads it, I would really recommend exploring it with them.

27. Option B, by Sheryl Sandburg and Adam Grant (a book where I was on the hold list a long time) - I previously read "Lean In," by Sheryl Sandberg, and despite some of its negative reviews, thought I got some decent points out of it. This book addresses the author, who is the COO of Facebook, after her husband suddenly passes away, leaving her a widow with two young children. The book is co-written by a psychology professor. I found it well-written and a quick read - with lots of good insights on grief.

28. The Bright Hour, by Nina Riggs (a book about terminal cancer) - This is a memoir written by a woman who develops metastatic breast cancer and dies from the disease. She is in her 30s with two young boys and could easily be any one of us. The book was finished in January 2017; she died in February; and it was released in June. The writing is beautiful, witty, hilarious, haunting. It reminded me so much of "When Breath Becomes Air." Highly recommended!!

29. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time, by Mark Haddon (a book for book club) - This is the first-person story of a 15-year-old boy living in England who has autism. It is the "common book" this year for all new KSU students and my book club is reading it - and, most importantly, my daughter had read this first and really wanted me to read it, too. It is a fast read and I thought gave great insights into how the mind of someone with autism works.

30. Of Mess and Moxie, by Jen Hatmaker (a book by an author I follow on Facebook) - I adore following Jen Hatmaker on Facebook and reading her blog. This was an at times funny, and at times contemplative, book about loving God and loving people. I think. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I at times wasn't clear about the point of the book? It seemed to lack cohesion and read like a collection of blog posts. Recommended more for short snippets here and there.

31. Braving the Wilderness, by Brene Brown (a book by an author I've read before) - This is a short book by a social work researcher. The core component of her work is that vulnerability is the root of human connection and belonging. I loved her comments about being true to ourselves while loving people with different beliefs and that it is key to see people not as "categories" but as real, whole people. I do wish the book had had more new material, though, and hadn't ended so abruptly.

32. Love Does, by Bob Goff (a book that took me forever to finish) - I have a number of books that I started over the summer and have failed to finish - so I am trying to finish those before moving on to anything else. This was my first book. It consists of 30 short chapters that tell stories in the life of the author, and then connect to a lesson about Jesus/Christianity. The problem was -I wasn’t a huge fan of the author, and events that he thought were funny (sneaking a $400 room service bill onto a friend’s account) I thought were unkind. It was a bit of a slog to get through.

33. The Spellman Files, by Lisa Lutz (a book about private investigators) - A friend loaned me this book this summer and I am just finishing it. It’s about a family of eccentric detectives/investigators who all spy on each other. A lot of it is pretty ridiculous, but it is a nice quirky read.

34. The Sun and Her Flowers, by Rupi Kaur (a book of poetry) - This is an absolutely beautiful book of poetry with accompanying illustrations by the author. The poems are first-person reflections on topics such as heartache, grief, community, family, love, and legacy. Some of the reviews are mixed but I really connected with the poems and thought they were beautiful.

35. Milk and Honey, by Rupi Kaur (another book of poetry) - The first book of poetry by the author. My family read some of these and thought they were absolutely terrible - comparing them to a teenage girl’s diary that should never see the light of day. I think I must have a soft spot for teenage girls’ diaries, though, because I still connected to the work.

36. Eleanor Olpihant is Completely Fine, by Gail Honeyman (a debut novel) - I checked this out on a lark and I’m so happy I read it!! It’s about a very socially awkward woman who has suffered a lot of childhood abuse. She is incredibly lonely and isolated, but her world starts to open when she crosses paths with the IT worker in her office. Both depressing and entertaining at the same time. It’s like a more serious version of “The Rosie Project” crossed with “A Man Called Ove.” Highly recommended!!    

37. Little Fires Everywhere, by Celeste Ng (a book about family relationships) - A simply amazing book!! A beautiful portrayal of family and what it means to be a family. Hauntingly real characters. I didn’t want it to end!

38. Beartown, by Fredrik Backman (a novel about hockey) - A novel about hockey in a small town — but so much more than that!! Same author as “A Man Called Ove,” but darker - and I think even better. The first half introduces you to the vast cast of characters, then a violent act occurs, and the second half is about the characters’ reactions. One of the best books I have read this year.

39. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, by Maya Angelou (an autobiography) - How have I never read this book before?! Maya Angelou even came and spoke at my high school in the 1990s. I so wish I had read this before her visit!! It’s an autobiography of growing up as a Black child in the 1930s and 1940s. Beautiful and powerful.

40. Before We Were Yours, by Lisa Wingate (a book about adoption) - Alternating chapters take place in 1939 and present day. The story line from 1939 involves a group of siblings who are taken from their family, sent to a horrible children’s home, and adopted. The present-day story involves a woman trying to untangle the stories about the past. Depressing because it was based on a real-life event but hard to put down. It reminded me of “Orphan Train.”

41. Born a Crime, by Trevor Noah (a book about South Africa) - I’d never heard of Trevor Noah before but absolutely loved this one. Really engaging, entertaining, and enlightening look at life in South Africa before and after apartheid.

42. Quaker Queries for All Seasons, by Charity Kemper Sandstrom (a book by a friend) - This is a self-published book by a dear friend of mine. It is a series of questions (spiritual questions) to reflect on over the course of the year. Each query begins with scripture and has an accompanying question. Very thoughtful and well-written, and is great for spiritual reflection.

What good or bad books did you read this year?? Happy New Year's Eve!! 

2017 Reading Challenge: Books 21 through 30

For 2017, my goal is to read 40 books by the end of the year. It seems like I have barely had time to read since the semester started, but if I can make it though 10 more books by the end of the year, I can still meet my goal! Here are books 21 through 30 that I've read so far: 

21. The Sun is Also a Star, by Nicola Yoon (a YA book by an author I've enjoyed) - This is a YA novel by the author of "Everything, Everything." It focuses on a fateful day and a chance encounter between a Korean-American boy and a girl in the verge of being deported to Jamaica. I think the storyline is predicated on whether you believe in love at first sight. But I totally bought it and enjoyed reading!

22. Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape, by Peggy Orenstein (a book about sex) - This is a book about teenage girls (seems to focus on ages 15 to 19) and the sexual activity, attitudes, environment, etc. they are facing. There is a lot of discussion of different research studies but the bulk of the book is focusing on interviews with 70 young woman. Not going to lie - a lot of this made me really uncomfortable. I have pretty strong personal opinions in this area and a lot of what was presented really challenged that. But I'd say the top takeaway is that parent/daughter communication is critical, even in this awkward area.

23. The Hour of the Star, by Clarice Lispecror (a book by a South American author) - My book club is discussing this book - we selected it so we could read something by a South American author. I personally found this book bizarre. It takes place in Rio de Janerio and there is almost no plot. The narrator telling the story is also bizarre. The primary plus is that it is short. I am sure I am missing some kind of literary brilliance here, though!

24. The Hate U Give, by Angie Thomas (a book I really want Annika to read) - I loved this book! It is a young-adult novel, but I think that people of any age would get something from it. It is told from the perspective of a girl who is black, who witnesses the police shooting and killing one of her friends after a traffic stop. It was in a voice I haven't read a lot of before and it was very eye-opening. My daughter is reading this, too, and I think it will be great for discussions with her.

25. Brown Girl Dreaming, by Jacqueline Woodson (a book of poems) - This is an autobiographical novel of the author's experiences growing up as a black child living in South Carolina and New York in the 1960s and 1970s. It is written as a series of (non-rhyming) poems and is just beautiful. The book itself is a children/young adult novel, but it was a beautiful, quick read.

26. 13 Reasons Why, by Jay Asher (a book my daughter wanted me to read) - My daughter read this book (got it as a prize for library summer reading). She read it and wanted me to read it - neither of us have seen the TV series. The story is an interesting premise and packaged in a compelling way (series of 13 tapes left behind by a teenage girl before her suicide). However, this is ultimately a "suicide revenge" novel and I truly worry that it glamorizes suicide. My daughter rolled her eyes at my discussion, but if you have a teenager who reads it, I would really recommend exploring it with them.

27. Option B, by Sheryl Sandburg and Adam Grant (a book where I was on the hold list a long time) - I previously read "Lean In," by Sheryl Sandberg, and despite some of its negative reviews, thought I got some decent points out of it. This book addresses the author, who is the COO of Facebook, after her husband suddenly passes away, leaving her a widow with two young children. The book is co-written by a psychology professor. I found it well-written and a quick read - with lots of good insights on grief.

28. The Bright Hour, by Nina Riggs (a book about terminal cancer) - This is a memoir written by a woman who develops metastatic breast cancer and dies from the disease. She is in her 30s with two young boys and could easily be any one of us. The book was finished in January 2017; she died in February; and it was released in June. The writing is beautiful, witty, hilarious, haunting. It reminded me so much of "When Breath Becomes Air." Highly recommended!!

29. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time, by Mark Haddon (a book for book club) - This is the first-person story of a 15-year-old boy living in England who has autism. It is the "common book" this year for all new KSU students and my book club is reading it - and, most importantly, my daughter had read this first and really wanted me to read it, too. It is a fast read and I thought gave great insights into how the mind of someone with autism works.

30. Of Mess and Moxie, by Jen Hatmaker (a book by an author I follow on Facebook) - I adore following Jen Hatmaker on Facebook and reading her blog. This was an at times funny, and at times contemplative, book about loving God and loving people. I think. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I at times wasn't clear about the point of the book? It seemed to lack cohesion and read like a collection of blog posts. Recommended more for short snippets here and there.

The Wheel of Comparisons

I recently read an excellent analogy to what we as parents often face - "The Wheel of Comparisons." This is a metaphorical wheel that spins around and stops at a given area where we as parents have fallen short. Mine would include things like, "Horrible role model for keeping the house picked up," "failed to instill a love of sports," and "too unorganized to have consistent chores."

I compare myself constantly as a parent. My kids are currently having a pretty low-key summer. Then I look around, and see so many people doing more than we are this summer. Should I insist my kids enroll in more activities?! Should they be doing some kind of summer fitness conditioning camp, or cross-fit for kids?! Should I require that they enter more exhibits into the county fair this summer, instead of their current plan to each only enter art projects!?

But wait! Maybe my kids aren't having ENOUGH of a low-key summer. Maybe I shouldn't make them work on math every single day at home?! (My husband about died when I mentioned that maybe they should still do math on the 4th of July holiday.) Maybe forcing them to write in a journal every day is failing to instill a love of writing in them and I should just stop this requirement!? Maybe I should truly let them do NOTHING this summer and see what happens?!

But the thing is, my kids are wonderful. They are both funny and creative and quirky, and created by God to be like no one else on earth. And they are wonderful because of their personality and spirit - not because of what activities they do, or fail to do. They are loved regardless of how they choose to spend their free time. They are truly beautiful, inside and out. And my hope for them is that this summer brings them inner joy - regardless of how they may compare to others.

2017 Reading Challenge: Books 11 through 20

The past couple of years, I have taken part in a reading challenge where I tried to diversify my reading selections. Both years, I really enjoyed it until about May, and then started to feel very limited by needing to select specific types of books. So this year, my goal is much simpler - to read 40 books by the end of the year. Here are books 11 through 20 that I read in 2017 (click here for the first 10 books)! 

11. White Rage: The Unspoken Truth of Our Racial Divide, by Carol Anderson (a book on the black community) - This is a short book on the history of institutional racism against blacks in the U.S., starting from after the Civil War and continuing to the present day. The details on some of the laws and practices from a while back were horrifying, but I found it even harder to read as it approached the present day. I'm glad I read it but now I'm depressed . . .

12. The Secrets of Happy Families, by Bruce Feiler (a parenting book) - A friend of mine recommended this book and I am so glad I read it - it focuses on offering all kinds of suggestions for how to create strong families. Some of the main takeaways are to be flexible/agile, create a family narrative, talk about your family history, create routines, etc. Nothing earth-shattering but I loved the focus on the family as a unit and what you could do to improve that bond! 

13. What She Knew, by Gilly Macmillan (a book I read on an airplane) - A novel about missing-person case of a child, alternating between the viewpoints of the mom and the detective on the case. It started off slowly and is more character-driven than plot-driven, but picked up as the book went on, and there are several interesting twists.

14. I Want My Epidural Back, by Karen Alpert (a book with a lot of profanity) - I read this on the flight from Chicago to Manhattan, which was about 1.5 hours? So pretty short. It reminded me of short blog posts on partnering, with lots of profanity mixed in. I think it would be better as a blog than a book?

15. Wonder, by R. J. Palacio (a book that Annika wanted me to read) - I've been really busy with work and life recently, and haven't had much time to read recently. We are taking a road trip to Colorado today and I read this in the car. It is a children's/young adult book that my daughter read and loved. I just wished I hadn't waited so long! Incredible story about a boy with a facial deformity who goes to middle school for the first time. So many great themes of diversity, kindness, inclusion, friendship, loyalty, etc. It would be a great book to read with your kids!!

16. Present Over Perfect, by Shauna Niequist (a book on simplicity) - This is a book by a Christian author about simplifying and re-centering her life - from going to feeling super busy/productive to slowing down and finding joy in the present moments. The author is definitely writing from a privileged position, but I could relate to many of her feelings and points. As someone who currently feels so overwhelmed at times that it is hard to breathe, I needed this reminder!

17. Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, by Lisa Damour (an adolescent development book) - You guys! This book is so helpful - it is is all about the emotional stages of development of teenage girls. Each chapter is organized around a developmental stage (beginning with early middle school and ending with late high school), and each chapter concludes with a "when to worry" section. 

18. My Not-So-Perfect Life, by Sophie Kinsella (a palate-cleansing book) - This is a "palate-cleanser" book - nice to read something light and fun after some heavier material. Very light book about a girl trying to make it at a design firm in London.

19. Small Great Things, by Jodi Picoult (a novel about racism) - I was so busy in April and didn't finish my library book when I had it. I broke down and bought the Kindle version so I could finish. Really powerful novel about active and passive racism in the U.S.

20. The American Spirit, by David McCullough (a book of speeches) - This is a short, excellent book that is a collection of speeches that the historian David McCullough has given. Most are commencement addresses and involve fascinating narratives about the history of a particular time or place. I love history but have had a hard time finishing his 800+ page books, so this packaging was perfect!

Pushing Through the Dirt

In my own life, no time has been more formative or painful or rewarding or joyful than the five years that our family lived in Orlando, Florida. In 2005, Will and I had a one-year-old baby, family nearby, a beautiful brick Colonial house, and good jobs as a laser engineer and a tax accountant, when we decided to chuck it all and move to Florida to each get our PhDs. The first night we spent in Florida by ourselves, in our moldy apartment, I cried to Will that we had made a terrible mistake and we needed to figure out a way to move back. 

And I was so very wrong. Because five years later, when we moved back to Kansas, two PhDs in hand and with a beautiful now 6-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son, I had learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. 

10. What it is Like to Know No One - There is nothing that makes you feel Alone in the World more than the dreaded Emergency Contact Form. Okay, maybe you are only Alone in the Area, but it feels like the world when you realize that you don't know a single local person for emergencies. It is humbling and makes you want to reach out to help anyone you can who is new to town in the future. 

9. What it is Like to be Intellectually Alive - I have never felt as intellectually alive or challenged or pushed as during my PhD program, particularly during coursework where I was exposed to new ideas and models and ways of thinking about the world constantly. The only thing that remotely comes close was being part of the International Baccalaureate (IB) program in high school, but as it turns out, getting a PhD is even more intellectually stimulating than any high school program. 

8. What it is Like to Live with Uncertainty - Our time with Florida was marked with so much uncertainty. Would Will pass his qualifying exams (yes, with flying colors), or would he be kicked out of the program? Would I pass comps (yes, ditto)? How many years would it take for us to finish (4 for me, 5 for Will)? Would we finish at the same time (No, as it turns out)? What would happen if we did not finish together (amazing people in accounting would come up with funding for me for another year)? Where would we go when we were finished with school (our alma mater - who would have thought!)?. I felt so much uncertainty while we lived in Florida that I had to learn to just trust God that it would all work out. And that leads me to.... 

7. What is Like to Have a Church Family - In Kansas City, Will and I had attended the largest UMC church in the country, which had fabulous programming and a pastor with the best sermons we had ever heard. But it felt more that we "attended church" rather than that we were part of a "church family." This all changed in Florida We met some of the best lifelong friends we have ever had, were welcomed with open arms to the choir and bell choir family, met more incredible people while leading a parenting Bible study, and discovered that we had a whole community of people who loved us and had our backs. What an incredible feeling. 

6. What is Like to Live in a New "Culture" - Outside of several moves to Seattle as a child, Will and I had spent our lives in the Kansas/Missouri area. Living in the South was eye-opening and has given me so much more empathy for regional differences. It has also helped me articulate better what I do and do not like about certain regions. I came to truly love and appreciate Florida - its eternal optimism, the sunny disposition of both the weather and its people, the use of "Coke" for any soft drink, the rapid shifts in both the economy and the government, the melting pot of diverse cultures and races and regional backgrounds. I am thankful that our daughter had many of her formative years in this environment. 

5. What is Like to be Stripped Bare - Living in Florida taught me that so much of our lives are dictated by the people around us. It is when we have no family and no friends and no built-in support network around us that we learn who we truly are. Our incredible family visited frequently - from Nonnie, who made over 20 trips during our five years in Florida, to my mom, who came several times a year, to Julie and Charlie, who regularly visited every year - but we learned what it was like to truly be a family unit with just ourselves and how we could make things work on a daily basis. Being stripped bare is scary but also incredibly freeing.

4. What it is Like to be Poor - Oh my goodness, learning what it is like to be poor was one of the most humbling and embarrassing and memorable parts of our time here. As an example, when our daughter's private insurance did not cover her 4-5 year old vaccines, we decided to go the local health department to get her immunizations. While there, we were recruited to be part of a study targeting "lower-income families" who could learn the art of "better marriage communication" (with the assumption that those who were poor did not know such things). I still want to cry from embarrassment at the feelings that I absorbed that those who are poor are lazy, or dumb, or a failure. I am also thankful for this experience because it was incredibly eye-opening at the challenges and attitudes that so many people face every day.

3. What it is Like to Lack Prestige - Oh gosh, another humbling experience. I did not realize that Will and I had professional jobs that we were also afforded a level of respect that is not typically accorded to those who are "students." My experience was different since I was viewed and treated as a peer in the accounting department, but Will had professors who had been wining and dining him, hoping to win funding from his company, who would not even look at him in the halls a few months later when he was a student. But again, I am so thankful for this experience because it has helped shape the type of person I hope to be. 

2. What it is Like to for Friendships to Run Deep - Some of the best and closest and deepest friendships of our lives were formed in Florida. From my advisor and best friend, Donna, who paid to have my hair fixed after a disastrous home-dye job, to my foxhole-for-life buddy Anna who shared and supported me through so many of my parenting struggles, to our best friends Thomas and Dana whom we witnessed an amazing wedding ceremony on the beach, to our best family friends Cindy and Brian and their children Taylor and Savannah who matched up so perfectly with our own family, to so many others too extensive to name, we were blessed to have formed life-long friendships that prove that blood is not always thicker than water.  

1. What it is Like to Live with Purpose - I truly believed while we were in Florida that we were following God's plan by being there. I had wondered before when we were living and working in Kansas City if this is all there was to life. And God had an answer - a resounding No! - that for us, there was a whole new journey awaiting our family. And I still believe this, and know that feeling that you are living with purpose and meaning, whatever form that takes, is truly one of the best feelings in the world. 

So sometimes, when you are in the thick of it, pushing through the dirt, it can feel as though God has forgotten you or has called you to do the impossible. Growth can be hard and scary and dark and make you feel as though you are all alone. But if I learned nothing more from my experiences in Florida, it is that sometimes all you can do is keep pushing through the dirt. Because what awaits you on the other side may be more beautiful than you ever imagined. 

2017 Reading Challenge: The First 10 Books

The past couple of years, I have taken part in a reading challenge where I tried to diversity my reading selections. Both years, I really enjoyed it until about May, and then started to feel very limited by needing to select specific types of books. So this year, my goal is much simpler - to read 40 books by the end of the year. Here are the first 10 books I have read so far in 2017! 

1. A Man Called Ove, by Fredrik Backman (an audio book) - My first book of 2017! My friend and I listened to it on audio book for our drive back from Colorado today, and then I finished on Kindle when I got home. It reminded me of a cross between the movie "Up" and the book "The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry," and is about a curmudgeonly man in Sweden struggling after the death of his wife. I enjoyed this book the more that it progressed - there are many depressing elements but it is ultimately warm, heartearming, and uplifting. Definitely recommended!

2. Love Warrior, by Glennon Doyle Melton (author whose blog I follow) - This is the second book by blogger Glennon Doyle Melton that I have read. I follow and absolutely love her blog, Momastery. This book focuses on her marriage and is very well written. I've read some reviews that think that it shares too many personal details, but that didn't bother me - probably because I am also an over-sharer! Recommended if you enjoyed her other book or blog.

3. Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City, by Matt Desmond (a book that can change your life) - Oh my gosh. This book! If you are at all interested in understanding urban poverty, you must read this book. It's by a Harvard sociologist and focuses on the lives of tenants who are evicted and landlords in Milwaukee, WI over the course of the year. It's a page-turner and so eye-opening.

4. Paying the Price: College Costs, Financial Aid, and the Betrayal of the American Dream, by Sara Goldrick-Rab (a book I read in one day) - I read this book during our "ice day." It focuses on the lives of first-generation college students who are Pell-grant eligible, intersected with all kinds of data from a representative survey study. I felt like I previously had a good pulse on the struggles and limitations of college costs/affordability, but the book was very well done and eye-opening in many accounts. Recommended if you are interested in understanding higher education.

5. Homegoing, by Yaa Gyasi (a book about slavery and Africa) - A simply amazing book!! This is a novel that follows a family from the 1700s to the present day. The story begins with two half-sisters in Ghana, one of whom is sold into slavery and who is sent to America, and the other whom remains in Ghana. Each chapter is a different generation from either the Ghana/U.S. side of the family. So many themes on race, family, colonialism, slavery, segregation, and so much more. Absolutely, positively recommended!!

6. Uninvited, by Lysa TerKeurst (a Christian women's book) - I really wanted to like this book more, but thought it was a little - watered-down? Unfocused? It made some good points (ultimate one - you can't count on other people to fill you up), but I almost feel like the whole book could have been a one-page bulleted list? I feel bad being critical because the author does come off as super sweet.

7. Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls, by David Sedaris (a humorous book) - This is a series of humorous essays with the common theme of - who knows? I don't think I would get along with the author at all in real life. But parts of it were really, really funny (some in a twisted or black sort of humor way!) and I enjoyed reading it.

8. Hillbilly Elegy, by J. D. Vance (a book on cultural issues) - I saw this book recommended in the wake of the election last year and I expected to be a sociological explanation of Rust Belt America. Instead, it's a very personal memoir about growing up (and ultimately escaping) Appalachia. There aren't as many cited research studies as very personal and powerful stories. I really enjoyed it!

9. We Should All Be Feminists, by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (an extremely short book) - I previously read "Americanah" by the author and loved it. This was a "Kindle short" and I was excited to give it a try. It is an essay on the meaning and importance of feminism. It is a great essay - but is incredibly short!! It took me less than 20 minutes, and maybe even less to read it. But I'm still tracking it in my books for the year since I paid $2.99. :) 

10. Year of Yes, by Shonda Rhimes (a book by a celebrity) - This is a book that a friend recommended. I had never heard of Shonda Rhimes before - or watched any of her TV shows. And I really enjoyed the book! I could totally identify with being an introvert who found it easier to hide from everything -- and how transformative it was to have a year of saying "yes" to everything that had preciously been scary.

What good (or bad) books have you read recently?? 

Comparison, The Thief of Joy

When my sister, Julie, and I were growing up, on one occasion we composed a list that included everything that each of us was "better at" than the other one. My list included things like writing (more a function of the fact that I enjoyed it more than any actual skill) and playing the piano. Julie's list included running (we went to different high schools and each ran for our school's cross country and track teams, and I can attest that Julie beat me easily in every.single.race) and math. I remember being quite happy with the list that we had made, but when our mom found it, she was quite upset. I can't recall her exact words, but they were along the lines of, "You two should love each other, not compare yourselves to each other!"

Why do we compare? I think it is so easy to blame social media for this phenomenon, but my sister and I made our comparison list long before the days of the Internet. I think it is natural to compare. It is one of the basis of analysis - comparing and contrasting two similar (or opposing) items. We are taught in literature classes to compare across books and characters, and in expository writing to compare elements that we have observed. We teach our children to look at picture books and found the tallest, the shortest, the softest, the loudest item on a page. We compare products to find the best one. Comparison is part of life.

And yet, comparison of our own life to another's life is fraught with problems. I have been thinking about this sentiment this past week, as one of the blogs I follow has been doing a series on comparison and how comparison robs us of so much joy. We may be feeling quite satisfied and content, but when we suddenly see evidence of someone who is happier, thinner, prettier, wittier, more successful, or whatever the basis of comparison might be, we suddenly feel ashamed and miserable.

I am so guilty of this. I compare myself all of the time, on every dimension. Parenting? Someone else is doing a better job. Work? Someone else has published more. Personality? Someone else can connect with people easier. Housekeeping? Well, I have decided to just abdicate on that one. ;)

But I also think that we can draw false conclusions from our comparisons because we do not see the whole story.  Others may be just as worried about their children, or work, or personality, or housekeeping as you are. People may be facing hidden demons or battles that they keep tucked away from the light of day.

In the end, I think my mom's words still have so much power - we should all strive to love each other, not compare. So instead of comparing ourselves on every dimension to another person - we instead could celebrate, lift up, respect, and, above all, love each person connected with us. And what a beautiful world that would be.

The Too-Busy Trap

Every few months or so, I realize that I am suffering from a disease. Specifically: The Busy Disease. Which is not surprising at all - after all, being too busy and too tired and too exhausted and too overwhelmed is The Disease of the Modern Era. 

At the moment, I feel like I am like a kid in the toy store who Wants It All! I want to do everything (and I am not doing anything particularly well). I want to be a good mom and wife and daughter and sister and friend. I want to excel in my job. I want to have and to develop meaningful relationships with people. I want to contribute to our church and at the kids' schools. I want to exercise and read books and write blog posts and browse Facebook and relax. And almost every day has moments where I feel so busy or overwhelmed that I can hardly breathe, or want to cry, or both. 

I do not work the night shift, nor do I work three minimum wage jobs. I am not a single parent and do not have a deployed spouse. I do not live in the developing world. I have so much less on my plate than so many others. Feeling like I am so busy that I can hardly breathe at times is entirely self-imposed. 

I do not know what the solution is. I have made lists to try to think of responsibilities to cull and all I can think of are things that I would love to add, not cut. Well, I could totally give up all housekeeping  -and have tried that before - but would rather keep CPS away. ;) I have tried adding yoga and meditation and journaling but they end up feeling like yet another box to check in a crammed day.

But really, deep down inside, I know that for me, being so busy is a way of keeping the threat of depression at bay. I worry that if I were to slow down, that instead of feeling a sense of peace and relief, I would only feel emptiness and despair. And I wonder if this is true with anyone else, and if we fill our days with activities and goals and projects so that we can keep our heads above water.

But even still, in the midst of all of my busy-ness, I have a simply wonderful, beautiful, irreplaceable life. And I wouldn't change that for a thing. 

We Go Together Like a Horse and Carriage

[Photo Credit Amy Meng Photography]

I have a confession to make. Do you know all of those articles about spouses who can walk into a room with a sink full of dirty dishes, completely oblivious to the mess all around them, then walk out? Or can walk into a room where one spouse is madly folding laundry and not process that the helpful thing to do would to offer to help? Most of the time these articles are written from the perspective of the wife who is crazy about her husband's lack of help around the house. Only in our house, this is often . . . reversed.

I have been reflecting recently on the different attitudes toward housework that my husband, Will, and I bring to the table. We have been married for over 18 years, and when we were first married, in our tiny 404-square-apartment, we divided up the jobs that needed to be done evenly. One of my assigned tasks was scrubbing the bathtub. I dutifully scrubbed it one day -- and then found out later that my sweet husband had actually re-scrubbed the whole tub without saying a word to me, because it was still so dirty that he did not realize it has actually been cleaned. And this was the first clue that perhaps we viewed household jobs through a different lens. I viewed them as a transaction, a contract, something that we each agreed to do our share and then did. Will viewed them as something larger, part of the new family unit that we had now created, in which responsibility transcended any one person and was shared throughout the whole unit. And that was eye-opening to me.

Will and I were married very young and I feel like in many ways we have grown up together, with our lives entangled together so much that it is often hard to see where one person's influence ends and the other begins. But I am positive that Will is the influence in my life that has single-handedly broadened my view of what it means to truly love another person. I realize that this sounds like a ridiculous statement, because Will is the only person that I ever even really dated, so how could this not be true?! Nevertheless, when we were first married, I think that I approached the idea of love almost as a barter system. You do something nice for me, then I do something nice for you, and then we will all love each other and live happily ever after!

The problem with the "barter system" approach to love is that it is fleeting. Does that mean that when you have had a stressful day, come home, and snap at your spouse, that they might think that you no longer truly love them? Or that you yourself are no longer truly worthy of being loved? I struggled with those fears. Will has the patience of a saint, but I can easily lash out, especially if I am, heaven forbid, hungry. ;) So I would lash out, and worry. Or not contribute enough, and worry. Worry, worry, worry.

I wish I had a cute story, or a witty anecdote, or something concrete that I could point to about when my attitude about love changed from a "barter system" mentality to one of "unconditional love." Alas, no such factoid exists. But over time, I gradually realized that love means that we both value the needs of our marriage and family above any of our individual needs. So sometimes, I do more. And sometimes (okay, most of the time? all the time?), Will does more. And sometimes, someone re-cleans the bathtub for you without expecting anything in return. And if that isn't true, unconditional love, then I don't know what is.