The Last 20 Books of 2016

I started the year with a reading challenge, where I was trying to read books that fit into certain categories, such as a "book set in your home state" and "a political memoir." (Click here for the original list). However, I ended up abandoning it because after making it about halfway through the challenge, reading was turning into a slog and was no longer a joy. So here are the books that I read in the second half of the year, just because I felt like them. #37 was the most powerful novel I read all year, and I am getting so much joy from #39. On the other hand, #21 was my biggest disappointment of the year.  

21. Paper Towns, by John Green (a book set in your home state) (Okay, Orlando/Winter Park, Florida) - This book took me a MONTH to read (it should have taken a few hours) because I just could not get into it. I loved TFIOS by the same author and was excited that this was set in Winter Park/Orlando, where we used to live. It's a young adult story about a high school senior obsessed with the girl next store, who goes missing. But I just did not care about the characters and it was a drag to read.

22. 10% Happier, by Dan Harris (a self-help book) - I picked up this book because of the title - who wouldn't want to be 10% happier?! It's a book on meditation. The author is an ABC news anchor who is funny and a decent writer, but seems to struggle with how to be a "nice" person. I envied reading the book, but I still really have no desire to start meditating.

23. When to Rob a Bank, by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner (a book from an airport bookstore) - I picked this up in the airport bookstore for something to read on my flight. It is by the authors of Freakonomics, and is a collection of blog posts they've written over the last 10 years on various economics topics. I like these types of musings, although it is a bit annoying just how high the authors' opinions of themselves is.

24. All the Bright Places, by Jennifer Niven (a book about mental illness) - amazing book. It's YA but anyone who has ever been a teenager or has struggled with mental illness (or knows someone who has) would love it. It's about two high schoolers with very different backgrounds who find themselves united by their underlying problems.

25. Girl at War, by Sara Novic (a book about war) - another amazing book!! It was recommended on "TheSkimm" and I am so glad I read it. The book takes place in the Croatian civil war in the 1990s, and in the U.S. a decade later. It's about coming of age, the loss of innocence, what family means, what its like to be an immigrant, and so much more. Highly recommended.

26. Middle School Makeover, by Michelle Icard (a parenting book) -  A parenting guide to the middle school years, with half the book devoted to understanding development and the other half to giving practical suggestions to common problems. It was recommended in an article on tween girls and was a fast read. Nothing earth shattering but lots of good points.

27. Traveling Mercies, by Anne Lamott (a book I re-read) - this is a book I had previously read about 5 years ago. We read about a chapter a week this year in my church group but didn't quite finish it, so I finished it up this weekend. It's a spiritual memoir with her thoughts on faith. I really enjoyed it, especially discussing with others.

28. Blind Spot: Hidden Biases of Good People, by Mahzarin Banaji and Anthony Greenwald (a book about research) - This is a book summarizing a lot of the research the authors have conducted on "blindspots," or implicit/hidden biases. The authors are the originators of the "implicit bias tests," which generally show that people harbor in-group biases and implicitly favor people who have characteristics similar to themselves, even if they aren't consciously aware of it. It was a quick read and easy to understand.

29. Recipes for a Beautiful Life, by Rebecca Barry (a book to restart my reading habit) - This is a memoir that is structured as collection of essays over several years involving a woman who is raising her two young boys and trying to balance writing a novel, renovate an old house, and deal with "life" stuff. The essays are all related but are stand-alone, so it's a good one to read if your reading will be disrupted. I didn't always agree with all of the choices the author made but loved the writing style and the way she captured so much that is true about parenting.

30. First Comes Love, by Emily Giffin (a book read entirely on an airplane) - I read this from start to finish entirely on the plane ride over to London. I loved Emily Giffin's early work, and then thought it started to go downhill. This was better than some of her recent stuff and was a fast read. It's told from the alternating perspective of two sisters who are dealing with the aftermath of their brother's death 15 years later.

31. Finding Audrey, by Sophie Kinsella (a book by an author I love that I'd never read) - This is by the author of the very light and breezy "Shopaholic" books, but is for young adults. It is about a girl who had a nervous breakdown and now has severe social anxiety. It sounds depressing but it's actually sweet and really fun (and a fast read).

32. The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry, by Rachel Joyce (a book about a journey) - I started this book a long time ago and had to return it to the library early on, but I picked it up again our trip, since it is set in England. It's about a retired man who makes a 600-mile walking trip to see an old friend who is dying. It's also about the relationship with his wife and how this journey slowly revitalizes it. It unfolds slowly but is so sweet.

33. Animal Farm, by George Orwell (a book about communism) - This was on my Kindle and I read it on the flight. I hadn't read it since we studied it in high school. It is a very fast read. The book is an allegory about communism and is even more heavy-handed than I remembered.

34. Everything, Everything, by Nicola Yoon (a book about illness) - I really liked this book!! It is a lot like "The Fault in Our Stars" and is about a girl with a compromised immune system who can't go outside at all. Then she falls in love with a boy who lives next door. Definitely recommended!

35. Defending Jacob, by William Landay (a book about murder) - This is another book I have been wanting to read for a long time but finally had the chance go on the flight home. It reminded me a lot of "Presumed Innocent" and is a novel about a DA whose son is accused of murder. A really fast and engaging read. Recommended!

36. A Thousand Naked Strangers, by Kevin Hazzard (a book about medicine) - I read this upon the year-end recommendation of friends. It's the memoir of a man who worked as an EMT and later a medic at Grady Hospital in Atlanta. Very fast read and both enjoyable and eye-opening. I told my husband that my main takeaway was how underpaid EMTs are! 

37. The Underground Railroad, by Colton Whitehead (a book about slavery) - This is the most powerful novel I read in 2016 and is highly recommended. It is a novel about slavery and oppression in America. It's historical fiction but more magical realism in parts than true historical accuracy (for example, the "Underground Railroad" is a real, functioning railroad in this account). The basic plot is about a young woman who is a slave on a Georgia plantation who runs away; her journey takes her to a variety of states where racism takes a different form in each one.

38. Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman, by Lindy West (a feminist memoir) - This is a memoir by a female writer organized as a collection of essays covering topics such as feminism, Internet trolls, comedy, and fat acceptance. The book is very sharp, funny, and witty. My one hesitation is that I was very uncomfortable with her essay describing her abortion.

39. Hamilton: The Revolution, by Lin-Manual Miranda and Jeremy McCarter (a book I have not actually finished yet) - Okay, I am definitely cheating by including this book on my list because I have not actually finished it yet - but I am really close!! And we are driving to Colorado tomorrow so I am 100% certain I will have it finished before the year is up. This has the complete lyrics of the entire soundtrack of Hamilton, along with copious footnotes, photographs, and facts about the creation of the show. I am now even more stocked to see the show next year!! 

What good or bad books did you read this year?

Adopt-A-Family

I love Christmas and Advent and preparing for Jesus's birth. I despise shopping and picking out presents and fighting crowds and did I mention shopping? One of the most glorious things that has happened in recent years has been that my husband and I no longer purchase any gifts for each other or for the adults in any of our families. Unsentimental? Unfeeling? Perhaps, but I choose to call it the greatest blessing.

But one Christmas tradition that we participate it exposes my direct conflict with my desire to celebrate Jesus's birth with a cheerful and happy spirit along with my almost equally strong desire to avoid all things retail this time of year: Adopt-A-Family. One of the local women's groups in our community sponsors this program every year, which provides the opportunity to sign up to provide Christmas gifts for children and families in need in our community.  Families that meet criteria sign up and fill out a "wish list," and are then matched with other families/organizations who purchase all Christmas gifts for the family that year. All gifts are tangible items (no cash or gift cards are to be given), which means that shopping is a necessity.

We have participated in Adopt-A-Family for a number of years now, but no year has broken my heart quite like this year's family. Usually, we have been matched with a family that has a number of enjoyable toys or fun gift ideas for their children on their list. This year, our family was a single mom with two kids, a teenager and an elementary-aged child. On their list were items such as, "boots," "winter coat," "pants" "tops," and "sheets."

So here was a family whose children's desires for Christmas were items such as a warm coat and fresh sheets, but did I have a servant's heart while out shopping? Oh, hardly. We went to Target yesterday to procure all of the items, and I think that every single person in our town must have been visiting the store at the same time. It was crowded, and hot, and nothing was available in the sizes that we were looking for, and I was grumpy and stressed that I would pick out items that the children would hate and I would ruin their Christmas. I even thought to myself - maybe next year we should just donate money to this organization instead, because the pressure of trying to pick out items of clothing that a teenager might like was evidently too much for me.

Just like every year, though, I think that God was at work in my heart, again, and gently reminded me how our family is incredibly lucky to have all of our needs met, and we have an abundance of resources to share with others. And there is no need to travel to Africa on a mission trip to meet the needs of our world - there are people in our community, right next to us, who we can give to and hope to make their lives better in some small way.

I am not sure why there is a tradition of giving gifts at Christmas time to celebrate Jesus's birth. But I am certain that Jesus calls us to give to those in need with a cheerful heart year-round, and what better time at Christmas than to practice that act? And I am incredibly thankful for this reminder, and for the joy that is found in giving. And even in shopping. ;)

Why Your Body is Not Your Masterpiece

I read a fabulous blog a few years ago by Glennon Doyle Melton called, "Your Body is Not Your Masterpiece." I haven't read the post since it first came out, but I found myself thinking of its sentiments today.

I have long been obsessed with my body. Specifically, how much my body weighed on a scale at every single possible time of the day.  I think this began when I entered puberty, when I suddenly gained a bunch of weight and felt awkward and bulky and out of sorts. From when I was around 12 years old onward, I started weighing myself multiple times a day. I weighed myself so many times every day that the batteries in one of our family scales died after a few years of being subjected to this regular torture.

And this obsession with weight is something that never really went away. I developed an eating disorder in late high school, marched on, and then had several unhealthy encounters with weight as an adult. Until a few months ago, I continued weighing myself multiple times a day, sometimes up to 10 times a day, all in an effort to stay on top of my weight.

I think I was obsessed with weight because I had bought into the lie that our culture sells, that Your Body Is Your Masterpiece. I think that weight mattered so much to me because I did not consider the rest of my body attractive at all -- and so was convinced that I had to stay on top of my weight at all costs.

I am very proud to report that I have not weighed myself since the end of July. I am 100% positive this is the longest I have ever gone in my life without stepping on a scale. I am positive that I have gained weight in this period of time since I am no longer micro-monitoring everything (and the fact that my clothes seem to not fit as well now is further evidence . .  .), but I don't ultimately care because I feel like I have finally broken through and gotten rid of this ridiculous obsession.

What this whole experience has shown me is that Your Body is NOT Your Masterpiece . . . your body is, as the essay by this name articulates, a tool. Like any tools, those that are taken care of regularly will be able to perform much better (so eating well, sleeping enough, exercising regularly, and all of those boring things like flossing really do matter), but ultimately, it's what we create with our tool that is important. No one is interested in Michelangelo's paintbrush . . . they are much more interested in the Sistine Chapel that he used that paintbrush to create.

May we all work together to rid ourselves of whatever demons we might face -- and come together in the support of the notion that we should celebrate our creations much more than our tools!

On Stewardship

As a CPA and an accounting professor, it is probably not too surprising that I have sat on the Stewardship & Finance committee at my church for the past six years. This is a committee that connects two distinct responsibilities - helping to set and manage the church budget (finance), as well as encouraging people to dig deep in ways that respond to God's love through faithful and generous giving (stewardship). I am comfortable with what it means to carry out the finance role of our church committee. I am much less comfortable in figuring out how to motivate people to increase their levels of stewardship and giving to the church, in part because this is such a personal, private journey for people. My goal is to help shed a little more light on our own family's journey and what stewardship means to us. 

I am someone who is naturally a saver. I saved just about every penny of all of my babysitting jobs as a teenager. I saved almost every bit of the first four years of part-time work. A total stranger once stopped and asked me if I was a tightwad. My nickname among my high school friends was the Frugal Shopper, because I hated spending money. 

But in recent years, I have tried very hard to transform myself from someone who is a "saver" into someone who is also a "giver." I somewhat feel that I cheated at this. I have heard narratives from people in the early throes of marriage, with almost no money, who still managed to tithe and give 10% of all income to the church. This is not my story. When we were broke and had almost no money, we gave almost no money to the church, because I felt depleted and that we had almost nothing left to give. 

Instead, what happened is that my husband and I made a conscious decision when we graduated with our PhDs and began working full-time as professors that we would tithe and give 10% of our earnings to our church. It was a decision we made knowing that our incomes were getting ready to rise, and that we never miss the extra money if we acted as if we never have it. (And can I just say, I feel extremely self-conscious talking about money because it is so personal and value-laden and private and just tacky if you are too open and up front.) 

But through this process, what happened as we started tithing is that my attitude about money slowly started changing. Instead of worrying about maximizing the amount that we saved, I instead tried to challenge myself to maximize what we gave. I began to see opportunities everywhere where we could make a difference, and tried to jump on it. If an organization or an individual or a cause was in need of financial support, I challenged myself to give if possible. 

And one thing I have learned is, the more we open our hearts to giving instead of clinging, the more we are opened to the notion that nothing belongs to us at all, that it all belongs to God, and we are merely charged with being the best stewards that we can. 

Everyone is called to a different journey in life. No one's calling is quite the same. But I know that once I opened my heart to the idea of living generously, rather than living in fear, so much that I thought was impossible began to seem quite possible. And I think that is the essential meaning of stewardship - the idea that all things are possible with God. And what a blessing that is. 

Everything at Once

. . .  As pretty as a picture hanging from a fixture
Strong like a family, strong as I wanna be
Bright as day, as light as play
As hard as nails, as grand as a whale

All I wanna be oh, all I wanna be, oh
All I wanna be is everything
Everything at once
Everything at once, oh
Everything at once  . . . 

I absolutely love this song by Lenka. The first reason is because Lenka has an absolutely beautiful voice. And the second reason is because whenever I heard this song, I think, “ME TOO!!” I feel like my whole goal in life has been to BE EVERYTHING AT ONCE!!!

So many of my life choices have been about finding ways to be everything, all at once. My husband and I somehow found a way to both go back to school to get our PhDs at the same time with a one-year-old daughter in tow at the beginning of our journey. Three years later, when our limited student health insurance suddenly covered maternity benefits, we managed to have another baby. The following year, with a baby and a preschooler and two parents in a PhD program, was the most stressful of our lives. And a year later, we somehow managed to find a solution to The Two-Body Problem of academia and both find great jobs at our alma mater . . . but also had the distinct privilege of being two people who are each very career focused with two children who we love and want to spend as much time as we can with. 

So I feel like my life has been devoted to trying to be EVERYTHING AT ONCE to everyone. And although I have made peace that my house will always be a wreck and I am destined to suffer one series of Pinterest Failures after another, I still want to achieve at everything that I do. My goals when starting at our new jobs were simple: 1. Take Care of My Family and 2. Make Tenure. But then somehow along the way, it changed to also include, 3. Serve on Every Volunteer Organization Possible, and 4. Become an Awesome Runner, and 5. Make the Kids Participate in Every Activity that they Can (even though they don’t really like activities), and, and, and…

It is EXHAUSTING trying to do and be everything at once. I have been struggling with this feeling for years, but I think that I finally hit my breaking point this past month. Like the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, I suddenly hit my breaking point with one small addition, when I learned that my son needed weekly vision therapy sessions in a town 65 miles away. And suddenly, my whole endeavor to be EVERYTHING AT ONCE came crashing down. I couldn't be everything at once. It simply wasn't possible. 

I believe that God placed this song in my heart to help me slowly develop a new attitude:

To everything - turn, turn, turn

There is a season - turn, turn, turn

And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal 

A time to laugh, a time to weep . . . 

These words, popularized by the Byrds but originally ascribed in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, have so much power and truth that they take my breath away. "To everything there is a season." A season. It is impossible to do everything at once and do it well. Right now, this is a season with out-of-town medical appointments - but it won't last forever. Just like the baby phase with two crazily stressed parents didn't last forever. And my job isn't to do everything at once, but to simply lean into to the season of life that I am in at the moment and do the best that I can. 

Just like we learn in kindergarten, we sometimes have to Wait Our Turn. There is a time to be a line leader - and a time to be a door holder. There is a time when we will barge full-speed ahead in our careers. And there is a time when we will squeeze in every minute that we can with our children at home because that time is fleeting. And in the end, it is all about embracing the season we are in. Which is a truly beautiful way to live. 

Beauty

When my children were younger, they both had bleach-blonde hair. This was quite shocking to strangers, given that they had two brunette parents, and people were often likely to comment on their physical appearance. This was especially true for my daughter, who never cut her hair during her first five years of life and had hair down to her waist. I was not particularly striking as a child and it was such a new experience to hear strangers come up and talk about our child's appearance. 

Fast forward to today, where our daughter is 12 years old. This summer, before starting middle school, she decided to cut off her hair and go for a pixie cut. She has been wanting to cut her hair short for a long time, both to experiment with something new (trying new things!), as well as to make it easier to care for (practicality!). She is not always comfortable with new experiences and I have been proud of her for branching outside of her comfort zone. 

Tonight, my daughter asked me to post a poll on my Facebook page, to which I readily agreed, because if there is one thing I love, it's posting polls. ;) But her question took me by surprise - she wanted me to ask people if she thought she looked better with short or long hair so she could decide whether to keep her hair short or start growing it out. I prepared a collage for her with pictures of the two looks and then started feeling uneasy. Am I communicating a message that beauty is only validated through the opinions of others? Should you rely on others' opinions when making a decision about your hair? Is this setting her up for a lifetime of second-guessing her own intuition about her physical appearance? 

So I am not posting such a poll. Instead, I hope my daughter learns that she is so much more than her physical appearance. That she is funny and creative and quirky and wonderful, and created by God to be like no one else on earth. That she is beautiful because of her smile and her personality and her spirit, not because of her hair. That she is loved regardless of whether she keeps her hair short or grows it out. That she is beautiful, inside and out. And that she should continue to rock whichever hairstyle brings her the most inner joy. 

Pick 3

Recently, my friend Denise posted an article called "Work, Sleep, Family, Fitness, or Friends: Pick 3." I have been thinking about this article quite a bit, especially after it after discussing it with others. This premise is obviously over-simplified, and there are certainly other aspects that could be on your list (like faith, self, volunteering, community, etc.), but the basic point is that it is impossible to do everything well at the same time.

And I have been thinking that perhaps this is why I have been so stressed - I want to do everything. Right now! All at once! I want to give my very best to my family. I want to excel at work. I need sleep to survive, and fitness to thrive. I want to carve out time to build meaningful relationships with friends. And somehow, I want to contribute to our community and church and school, and still have time to recharge as an introvert.

But what seems like happens is that I bounce from one series of "failures" to another. I am really on top of work for a while, but then my family is neglected. I catch up on sleep after staying up late to work, but then flake out on meeting my friends in the morning to run, neglecting fitness and friends. It does not help that I am also a worrier. I worry that I have failed in raising my children, or that I am failing in my job, or that I am failing my health.

I am not sure what the answer is. More realistic expectations and less all-or-nothing thinking is probably some of it. But perhaps so is the recognition that we are all doing the best we can with limited resources. And that everybody's priorities will look different at different points in time. And that however our priorities look, that is okay. For all of us.

Do you feel like you can only "Pick 3" in your life? What are your priorities right now?

Worst Advice Ever

Last spring, I wrote a blog entry called "Just Say YES!" It was all about stepping out of your comfort zone and taking on new responsibilities and really throwing yourself in and becoming involved. However, there was one problem: It was written in the middle of my light teaching semester, when a lot of activities were in a lull. I have since concluded that trying to take on everything all at once is the WORST ADVICE EVER.

It is now the beginning of the school year, both for myself and the kids, and I am finding myself with a lot of new responsibilities this year. Some of them (such as serving as the chair for an entire section of a national professional organization), I am terrified about and have no idea what I am doing. Others of them (such as serving as a senator on the university's Faculty Senate), I fear will be a greater time commitment than I had hoped. And it's not that any of my commitments by themselves are onerous - it's just that all together, I am feeling so overwhelmed that I fear I am going to not get everything I need to done, let alone actually do a decent job.

I tried to make a list of ongoing commitments that I have, outside of work (which are many) and children (which involve much chauffeuring) to see if I could pare back on anything. These include:

- Teaching Sunday School twice a month at church.
- Serving on the stewardship and finance committee at church.
- Playing in the bell choir at church.
- Serving on the vision committee at church.
- Serving as the Financial Treasurer of our university's United Methodist campus ministry (please God, don't let me screw anything up)
- Serving as the Secretary of Daniel's school's PTO, which includes all of the beginning-of-the-year membership processing and making the entire school directory (please God, don't let me enter anyone's phone number wrong)
- Trying to initiate a Wednesday night book study at church
- Participating in a monthly book club (which shouldn't feel like a "commitment," but adds to my guilt)
- Serving as the Treasurer for the local Crop Walk

In the past month, I did give up teaching children's church at church and serving as the leader of the church ladies' group at church, so I was thinking that I would be in better shape than I am. I just feel like I am going to drown and the semester has barely started!

"Just Say YES!" is great advice if you have unlimited time and energy. But as someone whose resources seem to be more finite than I realized, I think it actually might be terrible advice. This fall semester, "Just Say NO!" might have to become the stand-in instead. ;)

Uninvited

When I was in second grade, we lived in Seattle. My best friend was a girl in my class named Wendy. Wendy's birthday was coming up and she was discussing possible party dates, and I informed her that one of the potential dates would not work because I had a dance recital that same day. When the day came that she passed out invitations to some of the other classmates, I was distraught because I was not invited - even though I had already told her I could not attend if it was on that date. And what is really sad is that despite the fact that this happened 30 years ago, I can still remember my embarrassment and disappointment at being "uninvited" vividly.

I read an excellent blog post today on how parents (especially moms) may be unwittingly contributing to kids feeling left out through "suburban social engineering." It was a great read and made me really think - is this something that I have contributed to? Examples that come to mind include:

• When my children were younger, we would invite the entire preschool class to their birthday parties, but this led to my children declaring that such parties were "too crazy" and they wanted a smaller group. Parties are now much smaller and more intimate - but with a higher potential that someone could feel left out. 
• We had an off-to-middle school pool party for any girls starting at our local middle school - but did not invite boys, because my daughter wanted to limit its size and thought that would be a good cut-off. However, my daughter's closest friend is a boy, meaning that she didn't end up inviting the person she is closest to. 
• I love sharing pictures. I know I have shared pictures on Facebook of when our kids had friends over, or when we got together with a group of people, meaning by definition I was sharing about a situation when not everyone was included. 

So what can we do? I realize that this is part of life, and obviously not everyone can be invited to everything all the time. Spending time one-on-one with others or in smaller groups foster intimacy and bonding in a way that large groups cannot. But I think that making a conscious choice to include others and to be cognizant of when others may be excluded may go a long ways to making others sure that others don't feel "uninvited." And I would love to hear any solutions! 

How do you handle feelings of being "uninvited," either for yourself or in unwittingly causing it among others?

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

On Saturday morning, our family is leaving for a 2-week road trip. My big annual accounting conference is in New York City this year, so we are going to drive up a week early so that we can see a lot of New England and the East Coast ahead of time. Aside from the fact that I am a little panicked about the fact that I am going to be gone for 2 weeks, I am super looking forward to this adventure. I thought I would compile a list of tips for others who are embarking on similar road trips, such as . . . 

7. Make a List, and Forget at Least One Thing On It. This is one of the sexiest things my husband has ever done for me -- a typed-up spreadsheet list of all that we need on our trip. The picture above is of our big road trip three years ago. Lists are super awesome, but yet, I always forget at least something . . . 

6. Who Needs Close to Fit? This probably would have been a good time of year to clean out the kids' closets and figure out which actually fits and what does not. But who has energy for that?! Instead, I am adopting the philosophy that we won't run into anyone we know and it will be all right for our children to wear too-small and/or mismatched clothes. 

5. Renew Your Tags. One time, we drove round-trip to Colorado and were gone for almost a week . . . with expired tags the whole time. I have no idea how we managed to avoid being pulled over at any point. This time, we narrowly avoided having to make a 4,000-mile trip with temporary tags - only three trips to the county clerk's office needed. ;) 

4. Learn to Bend the Space-Time Continuum. We may be a tad over-ambitious on what all we can accomplish on this trip, but not nearly as overly-ambitious as our original plan (such as: driving to Morgantown, West Virginia in one day) We did cut out the "Niagara Falls" portion of the road trip and are going to leave a day earlier than planned, but even still, the ability to bend the space-time continuum would make this adventure much more feasible. 

3. Just Say Yes! Because "no" is for drugs, and saying "yes" to ever possible ridiculous request that your children have in the car can save your sanity! Unlimited car screen time? Doritos for breakfast? We're on vacation, baby! 

2. Ditch the Minivan, Just Because. We almost made this drive with our old van, which has over 170,000 miles and has been making weird noises, but ended up buying a 2013 Camry this summer, which we are going to take on the trip instead. It will be our first long road trip that is not in a minivan. May God have mercy on our souls . . . 

1. Let it Go . . In the Words of Elsa, Let it Go. You will screw stuff up. You will get behind schedule. You will be stuck in traffic in the middle of the nowhere for freaking ever. You will let your children hear choice phrases come out of your mouth. And you know what? It will all be okay. And memories for a lifetime will be made.

The Magnificence in the Mess

I have never been an organized person. I thought I was at one point, when I was a child and arranged all of the books in my room by Dewey Decimal System convention, but I had my first hint that perhaps a life of organization was not in the cards during my senior year in high school. I was so overwhelmed by college brochure information that I stacked (okay, not even stacked - through) them on the floor in my bedroom until they formed a giant avalanche of paperwork.

I have lost my keys on more occasions than I can count. I have left all of my clothes behind in a hotel closet. I have lost my birth certificate, my ID, copious amounts of cash, my checkbook, and my mind.  I have worn two shoes of different heights on different feet for the entire day. How can one person possibly be so disorganized?

I used to feel overwhelmed by my lack of organization because I truly wanted to be organized. Did I mention that I am an accountant? I love the idea of having neat handwriting, a clutter-free kitchen, a system for paperwork, and books organized by the Dewey Decimal System convention. It just isn't a reality.

My darling children have - inherited? watched and learned by example? - my tendency to be unorganized and have begun to emulate the same. My son will wear his shirt backwards all day without noticing it. My daughter will leave her math book behind at school. On any given day, our living room floor is covered with shoes and colored pencils and random pieces of paper that have made their way to the floor rather than a recycling container.

I used to feel guilt and shame and panic over my lack of organization. I felt that we couldn't invite anyone we didn't know over to our house until our place was picked up, which was basically never. After all, if people could see what a mess I was on the outside, surely they would be able to tell what a mess I was on the inside, and that would be the end of that. I would see other people, with their put-together lives and balanced checkbooks and keys in the right place at the right time and wonder if I would ever get it together. (In case you are wondering, the answer is "no" ;) ).

But do you know what? I truly believe that God has opened my eyes to seeing that there is magnificence in the mess. If nothing else, showing our inner and outer mess to the world shows others that they, too, are not alone. That relationships are more important than whatever clutter may be lying on top of surfaces. That kindness and love are more important than wet towels on the floor. That embracing ourselves in all of our messiness is so much more important than whatever organizational disaster may be waiting to befall us.

And moreover, being able to look past the mess opens ourselves to all kinds of possibilities. Our kitchen table is currently covered with a huge roll of butcher block paper with an imaginary scene of My Little Ponies drawn out all over it. Our basement bar is inaccessible due to the art projects that have piled up. Our living room has been turned into a giant fort with blankets and pillars galore spread out all over the ground. And when I look around, I no longer see "failure." I see our children's imagination blossoming, summer adventures happening, and a lifetime of memories being made. And do you know what? That is a mess in which there is truly magnificence.

RIP, Audrey

A week ago today, we lost our 21-year-old cat, Audrey. Will and I were married in 1998 and Audrey came into our life in 1999 when she was 4 years old, meaning that she has been with us almost the entire time we were married. She is the first real pet I have ever had and hence the first time I have gone through losing a beloved pet. I wanted to capture some memories about Audrey and reflect on what she meant to us.

When we first adopted Audrey, her owners had named "Chiquita Chiquita Banana Bacardi." She was usually called "Shitty Kitty." We decided that she needed a new name and a new start, and named her Audrey Allison Hageman, her first name after Audrey Hepburn and her middle name Allison because I loved the name (and she was clearly my first pet, as evidenced by the fact that I thought she needed a middle name ;) ).

Audrey was not a nice cat for many years. She bit my friend Denise once, and usually attacked my friend Karen. Audrey would chase her tail and growl, and when she caught it, would bite it repeatedly and make loud growling signs that made her sound like a loud, possessed demon. She weighed 18 pounds and looked and sounded like a bobcat. But as Will put it, if Audrey was a pain in the rear - she was our pain in the rear.

Audrey followed us through so many moves - from our apartment in Manhattan, to an apartment in KC, to a house in Olathe, all the way to an apartment in Orlando, a house in Orlando, and both of our houses in Manhattan. Along the way, as she grew older, she mellowed more and more. She used to growl and run away if you tried to pet her. By the time that Annika was born in 2004, Audrey was much more tolerant and would voluntarily come up and sit on your lap.

Annika's first word was "kitty" (pronoucned "keeeey!") and Audrey positively delighted her. Annika has always had a special connection with cats and Audrey was her primary bond for many years. "Kitty" was one of the first five words that Daniel spoke and he, too, delighted in running after Audrey and loved to proclaim that she was "so adorable."

Four years ago, in 2012, we adopted two kittens, and it seemed like Audrey was starting to go downhill. She developed kidney disease and was peeing all over the house. At the time, we thought we were going to lose her - Audrey was 17 years old at this point - but she rallied and with lots of treatment from our awesome vet, recovered.

Four years passed by, and Audrey did well for a cat her age, but then went downhill recently. She was in acute kidney failure and could not even move at all by the end. It was absolutely awful to watch. Audrey had been over 18 pounds and weighed close to 5 pounds by the end of her life. She quit eating, quit drinking, and stayed paralyzed in one position all day. I am tearing up just writing about how absolutely awful she was at the end and I wouldn't wish having to watch your pet suffer like that on anyone.

Our house hasn't been the same the past week with Audrey absent. We still have our two other cats, but Audrey has been with us for so long that it just seems wrong that she isn't there to jump up and snuggle up on my lap. But I feel so fortunate that she was able to be a part of our lives for so many years, and that our children are old enough that both will remember her.

Rest in peace, Audrey. We love you and miss you very much.

Kid Trip Weekends

These past two weekends, Will and I have each gone on a one-on-one trip with each of the kids. We had instituted "kid date nights" a few years ago, but it seems that the day-to-day busyness has crept enough that keeping a regular schedule has been difficult. So we decided to try something new - a "Kid Date Trip" where we would each spend a weekend going on a trip with one of our kids, and then swap kids the following weekends.

The first weekend, Annika and I and Will/Daniel each ended up heading to Kansas City - albeit in different hotels and vehicles, to maximize the individual bonding time. Annika and I enjoyed pedicures, shopping on the Plaza, a movie, the Toy and Miniature Museum, and Schlitterbahn water park. Will and Daniel enjoyed Legoland, (the same) movie, and . . . Schlitterbahn. We ended up seeing each other at Schlitterbahn and had lunch as a family. ;) 

This weekend, we truly went our separate ways. Daniel and I headed to Hutchinson, KS, where we stayed at an exotic animal farm bed and breakfast just outside in Nickerson; other highlights included the salt mine tour and a visit to the Cosmosphere. Annika and Will headed all the way to St. Louis! Their main objective was to visit the City Museum, but they also visited a giant puzzle warehouse and watched a movie. 

We have all had a great time and think that this one-on-one time was a great investment, but there are several things that we learned. Such as:

7. Don't expect a complete heart-to-heart. I think my expectations were probably too high, because I figured with this much one-on-one time all weekend long, my children would be forced to share all kinds of intimate details about their thoughts and feelings. Well. As it turns out, they can talk about Warriors and/or Minecraft for hours on end - no intimate sharing necessary. ;)

6. Our kids are delightful. Seriously, I don't know if it was the one-on-one time or the fact that we were doing activities of interest to the kids, but I can't remember the last time that each of them was so delightful, pleasant, and happy. Both of them were actually humming at different points in time, which is extremely rare.

5. It's a "trip" for us, but a "vacation" to the kids. There is a hilarious article going around now about the difference between a "trip" (essentially with kids) and a "vacation" (someplace where you go to relax, typically without kids). I kept thinking in my mind that we were on a trip with the kids, and would be thrown off when they would say things like, "We're on vacation!!" It also reminded me that "vacation" is a frame of mind and it doesn't really matter where you go or what you do.

4. Our kids are full of surprises. Annika has long had sensory issues and isn't interested in fashion at all, so I was shocked when she not only requested to have a pedicure, but liked it so much that she now wants to have a manicure sometime. Daniel utterly abhors having his picture taken . . . but on these trips, was actually begging at times to pose. Go figure.

3. It's not about you. I had to remember that this was a "trip" for me rather than a "vacation" today, when I found myself frustrated that Daniel wanted to zip on through the Cosmosphere museum while I wanted to savor every word. This was about bonding with my son, not with learning all of the details of the Cold War-era space race. ;)

2. Our kids have a better idea of what they want to do than I do. Several activities that I thought the kids would love - the Toy and Miniature Museum for Annika, the Cosmosphere for Daniel - they did enjoy, but what they really loved was what they had requested to do - in my own case, Schlitterbahn for Annika and the Salt Mine Tour for Daniel.

1. Time is currency. I really felt much more connected and in-tune with the kids after all of our time together, despite the lack of a magical cure-all imagined in point #7. ;) These years are flying by so quickly and I am so thankful that we had this chance to bond. I hope we can make it a new annual tradition!

Signs I'm a Slacker Mom

One of my friends shared a hilarious article called 20 Signs I'm Too Tired to Mom (click here), which you must read if you have not yet. I could identify with basically every single item on this list. Only, I realized, it was not just when I was tired -- this is pretty much my constant state of motherhood. So either I am tired all of the time or just lazy. Maybe both. Here are some of the things I do that make me think I, too, must be a tired/lazy/slacker mom:

10. Clothing. Have you seen my children's clothing choices? My only goal for the summer is basically that my children change clothes every day, which as it turns out is pretty hard to instill. My son wore a "Merry Christmas!" cat shirt last week, in July. My daughter has been known to wear animal-print shirts with non-matching animal-print pants. Heck, they even wear completely weather inappropriate clothes at times, and I generally let it go by telling myself they'll figure it out eventually.

9. Sleeping in Clothes. Part of the reason for not being able to wear new clothes every day is that my children frequently sleep in their clothes, particularly my tween daughter. Hey, no pajamas means even less laundry to do, so that's a win!

8. Signing up for Parties. When I know that a party or school appreciation sign-up is coming up, I try to stalk the sign-up list so that I can bring bottled water. Or paper goods. Or really anything that I can just by at the store that does not expose my extreme lack of creativity and artistic ability.

7. Planning Parties. When I've coordinated or co-coordinated parties in my kids' class, the games/activities typically involve items purchased straight from Oriental Trading Company (thank you, free shipping!). Having people over for parties at our house typically involves lots of Little Caesars' pizza and even more mayhem. I consider it a public service for people attending our parties that they can leave feeling better about themselves and the state of their house.

6. Throwing Money at Problems. Probably the biggest example of this is that we have a bi-weekly cleaning service, and have used one for the past six years. I feel somewhat guilty because this means that the kids have fewer chances to learn household skills, but my hatred of scrubbing toilets is stronger than my guilt, so here we are. ;)

5. Reading Time. I love to read. So one of the most ingenious ideas I had was to implement a family-wide "reading time" for 30 minutes a day. It was technically to encourage our reluctant-reader son to grow in his love of books, but, who am I kidding - I was just delighted that it gave me some extra time in each day to read guilt-free.

4. Nutrition. I refuse to believe that ketchup isn't a vegetable. If it's good enough for the USDA, surely it's good enough for me, right?! Please don't kill my dream . . .

3. Organized Activities. I feel kind of worried at times that my kids don't have any organized activities that they are truly passionate about.  But then I think about how neither my husband nor I really did either at their ages, and hey, it's one less area to spend energy.

2. Bathing. Please don't tell me that swimming in a saltwater backyard pool isn't the time as taking a bath, because that will destroy my whole strategy for my children's hygiene.

1. Blogging. What have been doing the last bit of time? Not spending time with my kids -- instead, I've been blogging about being a mom. The irony is thick. ;)

10 Things that Surprised me about China

Will and I recently lead a study abroad trip to China and it was a wonderful experience. I had never been to Asia and had never been on nor lead any sort of study abroad trip, so I was very nervous going in. I am happy to report that everything surpassed my wildest dreams. Still, there was much that surprised me about China, such as:

10. How safe the big cities felt. We stayed in Beijing and Shanghai and I was shocked at how safe I felt at all times of day. I had zero qualms running with Will at 5am. I have never felt so safe in a big city.

9. How friendly all of the people were. It's not that I expected people to be unfriendly, but I was blown away by how friendly, patient, and understanding everyone I encountered was.

8. No credit cards, but mobile pay is everywhere. It is very difficult, and hence rate, to have credit cards in China. Instead, the norm in paying was using some sort of mobile-phone app such as WeChat.

7. The Great Firewall is real but flakey. Facebook, Google, major news sites, and other random websites (the Daily Mile, Runkeeper) were all blocked. Still, there would be random times when they would start to work. And I plead the 5th on whether you can use a VPN to get around this firewall . . . 

6. There can be blue sky in Beijing. I expected to see nothing but a smoggy haze and was pleasantly surprised that we had nothing but blue (albeit hazy) skies while we were there.

5. English is somewhat present. I was pleasantly surprised that even in Beijinh and definitely in Shanghai, English didn't were everywhere. From street signs do subway station kiosks, so many places were written with Chinese characters as well as in English.

4. The Great Wall is breathtaking. This is something I never even put on my bucket list because I never imagined I would see it, but I can confirm that it is even more amazing than it looks in photos. 

3. No tipping. This was weird at first, but the no tipping and no tax at restaurants meant that you could easily calculate exactly what your bill would be. And speaking of bills, this is something that you had to request - servers would never bring it to you. 

2. The food was delicious. We were gone for something like 13 days and I absolutely, positively loved the food for something like the first 12 days. Then something hit me and I craved any kind of variety. 

1. Our kids want to visit. Perhaps it's from seeing all the pictures, but our kids are insistent that they, too, want to visit China. Or maybe the UK. But mainly China. And I can't blame them - it is an amazing country! 

Parenting Challenges in the "Sweet Spot"

My kids recently turned 12 and 8 years old this week, which are absolutely, positively delightful ages. They are currently finishing up 6th and 2nd grades this year; my daughter will start middle school in the fall, while my son will still have a number of years left at elementary school. We are truly in the "Sweet Spot" of parenting. It is absolutely a magical and special age. But there are still so many challenges and roads to explore, such as:

7. How Much Independence to Give. This is a hard one -- I want my kids to have autonomy and independence, but don't want to push them into a situation before they are ready. I also want to weigh safety (and what other people would think . . . ) with not squashing their desire to try something new themselves. We have started letting our son walk home from school on some days, and meet him at home instead of at school. He absolutely loves it. I tend to error on the side of giving independence when the kids ask for and express interest in an area, but then I still worry whether the timing was right or not. 

6. How Much to Push. Our kids are very motivated in some areas and not as much in others. Our son  has a series of timed math fact sets to complete at school -- he is very bright but not particularly fast, and has stalled out at one of these. We work on math facts a couple of times a week but I often wonder if we should be doing more, and really make a big deal about these. 

5. Balancing Safety vs. Physical Activity. This is a big one for us right now. We recently decided to purchase an outdoor trampoline as a joint birthday present to provide more options for physical activity at our house for our non-sports-loving kids. We also have a swimming pool (drowning hazard) and let them get up on the roof with us at times (falling hazard). At the moment, I am more concerned with providing outlets for them to be physically active than I am worried about potential injuries -- but again, still question myself over whether this is the right choice. 

4. How Much to Help. I let my kids do their homework on their own and do not check it unless they ask me to. Is this the right decision? I have no idea. I tell myself that it is helping them learn responsibility, but maybe it is also because I am tired at night. ;) 

3. How Much to Volunteer. I love being a part of the community where we live and personally get a lot out of volunteering at their schools and our church. But there are other things I am not a part of -- my husband is a parent leader at our 4-H club, whereas I do almost nothing. Should I be doing more in all of these arenas? Less? I don't know. 

2. How Much Technology to Allow. This is a big one and there are no easy answers -- not least because this is such a new problem for our generation. We have discovered that our son does so much better when he does not have screen time, and have greatly curtailed that at our house. But, we have also started allowing our daughter to use our home phone to text her friends. Is that appropriate? Should we be more restrictive? Should we be less restrictive? I am still waiting for the parenting manual here. 

1. How Much to Worry. I think these all come down to just how worried I should be over particular decisions. Last week, our son was supposed to go to Garden Club after school, but got mixed up and walked home instead, where he proceeded to be home alone by himself all afternoon (and it never occurred to him to call us . . . ). It all turned out just fine in the end -- he was bored but fine (and there are much worse things than being bored!). And then, I promptly proceeded to worry over whether I was worried enough over the events of the afternoon. Because that's how I roll. ;) 

What do you worry about? 

2016 Reading Challenge: The Next 10 Books

I am in the midst of a reading challenge for 2016 (click here for list). I didn't fully complete a similar challenge in 2015, so hope to make even more progress this year in 2016! Below are the next 10 books of 2016. (Click here for the first 10 books of the year.) 

11. Size 12 is Not Fat, by Meg Cabot (a murder mystery) - I found this on a list of "chick lit" books and I think it was the only one I hadn't read before. The book is very light and definitely chick lit. It is about an ex-pop singer who becomes a resident hall director and investigates a series of mysterious accidents. Funny, sometimes a little annoying, but ultimately enjoyable. wink emotico It is about an ex-pop singer who becomes a resident hall director and investigates a series of mysterious accidents. Funny, sometimes a little annoying smile emotico, but ultimately enjoyable

12. Why Not Me? By Mindy Kaling (a book by a celebrity) - I chose this book only so I could knock out the "book by a celebrity" item. The book was focused less on her experiences growing up (like her first book was) and more about her life in Hollywood now. I don't feel that I wasted my time reading the book (there are definitely funny parts), but I didn't enjoy it as much as her first book.


13. The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green (a Young Adult bestseller) - Oh my goodness. This book. I am not sure why it took me so long to read it - I think the fact that it was "young adult" may have steered me away (so I am very grateful that my reading challenge had "a YA bestseller" on it). It's about two teenagers with cancer, and so not too surprisingly, it is sad, but also funny, light, irreverent, thoughtful, and so much more. Highly recommended.


14. Furiously Happy: A Funny Book about Horrible Things, by Jenny Lawson (a book written by a comedian) - This is a mostly funny book by a blogger ("The Bloggess") written in a series of short chapters that are mostly humorous but sometimes very serious. My favorite parts were the ones on mental illness, both the serious and the black humor ones. My least favorite ones seemed to center on taxidermied animals. Recommended if you enjoy these types of blog posts. wink emotico Recommended if you enjoy these types of blog posts. 

15. Then Came You, by Jennifer Weiner (a book recommended by a family member) (Julie :)) - A novel told from the perspective of four different women - one an egg donor, one a surrogate, one a woman having a baby, and one her stepdaughter, all united by their relationship to a baby. I liked this one a lot more than the last Jennifer Weiner novel I tried to read. :)


16. Lost on Planet China, by J. Maarten Troost (a book about a culture you're unfamiliar with) - I am taking a group of students on a study abroad trip to China in about a month (eeek!). This book was very funny and reminded me how I know NOTHING about China. I have nothing to compare it to yet, but would definitely recommend if you are planing to visit China. :)


17. The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald (a book you haven't read since high school) - I haven't read this book since high school -- and wow. Even better than I remember. It is a very short and fast read. So many themes and layers here. I was surprised by how modern it felt even though it was written more than 90 years ago.


18. Rose Daughter, by Robin McKinley (a book based on a fairy tale) - This is a re-telling of the fairy tale of Beauty and the Beast. I really liked the first part of the book, then thought it started dragging, and thought the ending was kind of abrupt. It is marketed as a YA novel, but I think it would appeal to anyone who likes fairy tales/fantasy.


19. The Shepherd's Life, by James Rebanks (a New York Times bestseller) - This was our book club selection for the month and I finished it the night before we met. It is a non-fiction memoir about being a sheep farmer in northern England. The writing is strong, but it reads like a series of random blog posts that are somewhat disconnected. I read about 25% and was so bored. Then I decided to skim the parts on sheep and focus on the non-sheep parts (people, farming, sense of place, etc). I liked it much better after that. As it turns out, sheep are just not my thing. ;) 


20. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, by Jean-Dominique Bauby (a book less than 150 pages) - This is a short memoir written by a man suffering from "locked-in syndrome" - he had a stroke of his brain stem and was unable to move except for blinking his left eye, but his mind was completely intact. This whole book was dictated by him in that manner (blinking) one very slow letter at a time. It isn't a depressing book, though -- more of a book that shows the depths that humans can overcome.