Breaking Down Barriers

My first love was... complicated. I was 13 and I fell violently for a guy who was already in a relationship, entirely by accident.

The only reason I taked to this boy in the first place was because during English class he read a poem that saved me from suicide. The ending line of that poem was a thank you to someone no one in our class had ever heard of. The boy (who I'll call Makoto) and I started talking, mostly on AIM. It was there I discovered who Joker (the girl at the end of the poem) was. She was two years older than him, lived in Las Vegas (which is half a country away from us) and was his girlfriend.

After a few weeks of talking to him I discovered that she was emotionally abusive to him. I began staying up late with him after she would sign off-line and leave him believing that all of her life's problems were his fault because he wasn't there enough for her. I'd be up till 2 or 3 a.m. a lot of the time, almost every night, and then wake up at 6 for school. Sometime in these first few weeks I started falling for him, pretty hard. I wanted him away from her, not because I wanted him for myself (which I did) but because she was hurting him.

There were times when he was almost suicidal and I had to talk him down. It got to the point where I was failing most of my classes because I'd just walk in, sit down, and fall asleep. Every other thought was about him: Was he okay? Was she hurting him? Was he finally leaving her? It physically hurt me after a while, a sharp, bleeding pain in my chest. It made it hard for me to breathe. I cried for him constantly, and begged him to see sense. I talked to his best friend even, and tried to get him to talk to Makoto and clear his head. God, he was my LIFE then. I would have died for him instantly, if it meant he'd stay alive, even just for her. Even though I hated her, hated what she did to him.

It all ended up falling to pieces. Now, almost two years later, we still aren't as good of friends as we were before I fell in love with him. I've moved on and so has he, but sometimes it still hurts when I see my good friend kissing him. When she told me last summer that they'd lost their virginity to each other, I hung up the phone and I screamed. Sometimes I think if I talked to him enough I'd find out I still love him, and sometimes I feel the ghost of the hole in my chest. And sometimes I wish I'd never even heard his name.

'Cause I was a wave
Yeah, I was a wave
A wave
Collapsing you
Collapsing you


I was young. And it was love. Love falling everywhere. And then he was gone.
No more love.




I miss him so much.




Okay, if you're up for it, talk about your first love.
Ready, set, go.

1. "I Believe You but my Tommy Gun Don't" - Brand New
This song reminds me of driving around late at night with my two best friends, screaming along at the tops of our lungs and waking up the next morning sprawled on the floor of the living room, our voices threadbare and raspy from over-usage. It makes me feel young because Brand New is my high school life in lyric/music form. I literally went through my toughest years of adolscence listening to them. Even now, when a Brand New song comes up on shuffle, I can't help but reminisce about high school and the plethora of memories I have from it.

2. "Bugaboo" - Destiny's Child
This particular song takes me back to my7th grade year when Joanna and I choreographed a dance to this song and won the talent competition on our own! The whole school wanted us to teach it to them and everyone wanted to be our best friends. It was cute. Joanna and I both still remember the dance (which is WILD!) and we frequently bring up the talent show when we reminisce about childhood. Plus Destiny's Child was the biggest thing since sliced bread back then and the group itself takes me for a stroll down memory lane.

3. "Good Riddence [Time of Your Life]" - Green Day
I think this song takes everyone back to some kind of memory- graduation, party, first song learned on the guitar, etc. For me, personally, it reminds me of the first concert I ever went to- Green Day. This was the very last song they played and I remember the moment being surreal. I was there with a friend of mine and the two of us sang out hearts out like there'd be no tomorrow. The concert itself was quite a memory but the final song perfected it. When I listen to this song now, I just think about how much has changed since I stood at the concert listening/singing along. It's the perfect song to catapult you back into the past. 

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And two, behind the cut.
( These will always remind me of laying naked on the tile floor of my parent's apartment in the middle of summer, eating an orange popsicle. Collapse )

post 3 songs that make you feel young again

How was your day?

What's your favorite childhood memory?

If you were stuck on an island for ten years, who would you want to be stuck with? Why?

Tell us a little about your grandparents, if you'd like.

My day was pretty good, I got a LOT of cleaning done late last night (midnight til 5) and slept til 11. Then I did chores around until around 6ish when I started getting ready for my friend's birthday party, which was fantastic! There weren't a whole lot of people I knew, so I ended up dancing with like, 5 random guys. But there was this one kid I knew from camp, and him and I totally hit it off. We had gone out side, and just talked, which was a really nice change for me.

My favorite childhood memory is when I saw my dog (who passed away last August) sleeping on the landing of my stairs, and I went into my room and pulled my favorite blanket and pillow off my bed, and brought it over, and tucked her in, and cuddled with her. She was too sleepy to mind. I must have been four or so.

If I was stuck on an island, there are far too many people I would choose to be with. I think the top would be my sister, my friend Steven, or my friend Eric (the boy from the party tonight). Or all three. My sis, because she would calm me down when I freak out. Steven because he would make me laugh, and is good for the occasional hookup;). And Eric to have someone to talk to.

I only know three of my grandparents. My dad and his dad got into a HUGE fight a couple months before I was born, and so I never met him. And I still never learned what that fight was about. My grandparents on my mother's side--King and Nana--are really wonderful. Their house is really amazing, and they're honestly lovely to be around. King has been in and out of the hospital for a few years now. He had a huge heart attack I think three years ago? I never really understood what's going on with him. My dad's mom, Savtah, is someone who really motivates me. She was born in Hungary, and is a survivor of the Holocaust. She moved to Israel, where she met my grandfather--the one I've never met--and had my dad, his and his younger brother--who I also never met because he was apparently a bad man, and died a couple years ago--then moved to California, and had my aunt. Savtah is an AMAZING cook. She was a chef in a great restaraunt in L.A. until she was sixty-something. She's in the hospital now, because last year, she had four heart attacks, and recovered, and then had to get her hip replaced or something. When she went home, she fell, and broke her leg, then recovered, and then went home and broke her other leg. Now she's still recovering from that, but she's stubborn, and funny, and my aunt always says "God can't send someone down here for her, he's gonna have to come get her himself. That's the only way she'll go."


That's about it. Thanks for listening (reading) :P :) :D ;) <3

One of the worst things that life will teach you is that trusting people will hurt you.
Too many people have been taught through painful life lessons Not To Trust Anyone.

"Keep those walls up, and you will never be hurt."
You Will Never Be Hurt.

I've stopped expecting good things from people. If someone says that they're going to do something with/for me, I don't believe them. I just smile and say, "Well, alright then." Even to my best friend. Even to the boy that I was falling for. Especially to the boy that I was falling for. I don't know if I want to fall for him anymore. I don't know if he'd catch me, and it would hurt. It's a long way down, especially if you've only just gotten used to standing up again.

I want so badly to believe that there is truth
That love is real

I don't know how to change this.

The idea of walls falling down is a lovely one in theory
But how does one take it from theory into actual practice?

The reason I even started this community was because I felt like I cared about people more than the average person would.

I just have all this warmth inside of me. It's burning a damn hole through my chest, I swear.

I can see it though. I do certain things and say certain things and think certain things. I go out of my way every time. I'm not saying that I'm selfless. I'm hardly selfless.

I just think that I've kind of opened myself up a little too much and now I feel everything. I feel every hit, every hug, every insult, so much. It's really intense. So I kind of show that. I show how much it hurts or how wonderful someone/something makes me feel.

Like I said, hole in my chest.


How about you?
Anyone feel even remotely like this?

Welcome! 

Feel free to introduce yourself.

Here are some warm-up questions:


How was your day?

What's your favorite childhood memory?

If you were stuck on an island for ten years, who would you want to be stuck with? Why?

Tell us a little about your grandparents, if you'd like.



- My day just started, but it'll be okay, I hope.

- My grandma would take me to go see my great grandmother almost every day when I was little.  She lived about twenty minutes away, but there were all these little hills on the way there. My grandma would drive really fast and my belly would tickle as we went over the hill. She still does that, sometimes.

- I'd want to be stuck with my boyfriend. He's good company. Love is all you need.

- My grandmother is a silly old lady with a big heart. My grandpa is a stubborn man who only worries because he loves you.



your turnn