We All Need A Little More Room

Nobody knows yet but I can't not say it!
...I'M APPLYING FOR GRADUATION AND TRANSFER!

I could be living in the Northeast as early as January.

On my better days, I feel good about myself. I don't feel like I've been making mistakes, I don't feel like I'll keep doing the same; I feel good. I feel confident that I have what it takes to be a great intellectual and scientist. I feel sure that once I grow up a bit more I can act professional.
I'm only nineteen. I don't need to be a businesswoman just yet.

Maybe you don't like being "profiled" because you know that the descriptions might actually apply to you; but no one else can ever know that. You're so afraid that one day, someone might be able to figure out more about than you want them to, just because of what's on the surface.

 

But self proclaiming that you're different from everyone else doesn't make the statement true.

These pills are great. They keep me focused, they keep me motivated, they keep me on top of things.
The downside is that although it's great that my emotions are in check, at times like this I know I'm numb. That if I weren't on them I would lose my shit and crumble. But I'm calm cool and collected. I like to think its because I'm being strong, but I know that my feelings are being blocked. I can feel my pulse race, because that's the natural reaction to a phone call like that. Fight or flight? I can't choose because I'm numb to it. I know it would feel good to let the dam go, but I can't. I'm incapable.
Fight or flight? If I could choose which would I pick? I'm too proud not to pick fight. But I'm too emotionally involved not to pick flight.
Yes, these pills do have their downside.

The last time I was in this bowling alley, I totally got my heart broken by you.
This time I'm here with a completely different group of people, having the time of my life, and I only thought of you as I went to the bathroom because the last time I was in it I went in to hide my tears.

The reason I will never forget your number is simple: I still have a saved message from you in my voicemail from Tuesday, July 12, 2011. And every time that I listen to it, it tells me your phone number.

 

"I can twitch my nose like a rabbit."

You're welcome for your fucking Christmas and birthday gifts. You are fucking welcome.

I had a dream about you last night. I honestly cannot say if it made me feel bad for hating you, or if it made me hate you even more. We both did some terrible things in this dream, but in the end, I was with you. It was so crazy, and backwards, and doesn't represent my life or my feelings at all. This was the first time in a long time that I've dreamt of you, but I saw your face. Your smirk, your eyes, your hair the way I cut it.
Why are you still haunting me?!

I'm employee of the month!!!!!! And I DAMN well deserve it!!!!!

That song has been so ruined since I realized what it was about. Of course, I hadn't listened to it in quite some time, before I could relate, so I had no idea. But once I listened to it after my own incident...I understood it immediately. 

I listened to the song, and I thought of you. Actually, I thought of everything that day: our lunch, telling my father, me laying in your lap in the car, you giving me my gift, waking up there, you comforting me...yet after thinking of it all, I still can't picture your face. And I'm ok with that.

You've stopped appearing in my dreams, even if she has started. Your face does not haunt me, because I can't remember it. I saw it just over a month ago; you looked gaunt, pale, unhealthy, the same as always. And I remember your features but I don't remember what you looked like.

I used to wonder what he would look like. If he would have lips like yours, or green eyes like me. But thinking about it made it so much harder. Made it harder to think about what we did. It's not like we had a choice, but it's just harder to think about. 

Sometimes I'll think about how it happened to me, to us. I'm not one of those girls. Things like that aren't in my past.
...but it is. And it happened. And it's so scarring to know that the man  boy it happened with isn't even considered a friend anymore. How could I let something like that happen to me? To us?

You should listen to that song. You wouldn't like it, I know. Because you don't like other things describing you. You don't like other people telling you what you're like or how you feel. But you should listen to it anyway. Because I wonder if it would make you think of it the same way I do. 

I wish you had been different. I know that's not very nice, and you'd hate me if I said it to you. But I still wish you were. I wish I wasn't afraid of you all the time. I wish you had been more sorry for things. I wish I didn't feel judged by you. But that's who you are, and it's not for me to say. But I still wish. 

...Can't you see
It's not me you're dying for

Now she's feeling more alone
Than she ever has before

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm heading nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

As weeks went by
It showed that she was not fine
They told me "Son, it's time
To tell the truth"
And she broke down
And I broke down
Cause I was tired of lying...