Sixteenth Step : Tired

Maybe I have been asking a lot.
I just can't help but compare as well.
I still feel pain and it's like a spear stabbed into my heart.

You see, I can stay awake for you.
I can drive far for you.
I can hold on my patience for you.
Previously you do most of them as well but probably as what people say; when you got to know them well and them to you, will slowly make them or you show true colors. And behaviors. At least I am.

The time when they were still willing to make some efforts will be clouded just because of some petty things that I don't like about them.

I dislike feeling stressed too.
Before this I was more like an independent individual.
I don't need to worry much about how one feels about me or how people feel about him.
Of how sloppy he dresses or that if he ever thought about how we have lesser time now.
Or on how I feel if I am being unreasonable sometimes.
I am afraid one day, I might unable to accept on how he does things and I would lose my cool and call it off.

Compared to before, my self-esteem has dropped a lot.
I don't feel that good anymore, to be very honest.

Even though I was the one who said we should be honest with each other. I seem to be the one felt troubled and jealous the most. Possessive too. Demanding as well.

Maybe we need a break?

Maybe I was being unfair to him.
Maybe I was asking a lot.
More than what is necessary.

Maybe because I love him too much but don't know how to love properly?

I hate feeling like this.
I hate feeling out of control.
I hate being emotional all the time.

I am tired.

Fifteenth Step : Monthsary

Hello 😉

I can't really sleep now because of too much napping in the afternoon and evening hehe.

Sometimes in between naps, I will relive the moments we spent together.

I felt a surge of embarrassment every time I thought about it, but in a good way of course.

Like really.

How did we manage to do what we've done?

And had I really did all that?

Did I really suggest all that?

Did I sound desperate?

Did I sound weird?

Did I react correctly?

Did I do it right?

Did I make you happy?

Did I make you sad?

Am I being a good girlfriend?

Intrusive thinking huh?

Anxiety huh?

I won't say that I don't have those but I try to overcome them by talking to him.

Because I believe in the power of communication.

And also because I don't want it to ruin our relationship.

I will become a clingy person whenever I get too close with someone I love.

I understand that I have these what others called as Love Languages; Physical Touch and Quality Time?

Other than just sex, I kind of enjoy showing my affection through touches. If that makes sense to you. 

Like kissing or hugging or having his arm around me or touching my arm or thigh, 

Really makes me feel loved and protected. 

Hahahaaa 😳😳

Even though I get embarrassed if we show too much PDA in public but in my heart, I couldn't care less with too much PDA sometimes since I secretly crave for them.

Quality time, to some it means just the pair spending time together.

While to me it means more than that.

Yes, spending time together is very important to me.

Doesn't matter if it's with friends or family, or just the two of us.

Sharing quality conversation and activities together.

Whispering "I love you" with undivided attention.

Like just being there for each other.

I do personally think that I don't mind seeing each other everyday and don't really think I will get tired of it anytime soon.

But I do understand that we need our own space and personal time.

Maybe I am just still too head over heels for him, that's why I wouldn't mind meeting him daily.

And that reminds me of the topic of LDR.

I doubt if I will be able to handle it as good as he does.

And I did say that I am a woman who needs physical touch and quality time with my lover.

I can learn how but to really be in one and to go through it, is something foreign to me.

It'd be hard and yes, if I trust him and if I truly love him, it might work out fine.

But.

I don't have such confidence in myself.

Ever heard of the sentence;

"I am strong, that's why I am weak."?

And then there's this Indian poet that said;

"The lane of love is narrow; there is room for only one."

Yeah, that's me.

I really love how we get to do random stuffs together.

Yeah, sometimes I have some plans up on my sleeve but being random is what I do best as well.

And when I do, I do it wholeheartedly till the end.

Just like how I love to see how awkward he was on that Friday night. 

Hehe. 😁😁

Such adorkable and awkward pig.

But I love that side of him nonetheless.

I will remember this kind of monthsary forever.
And how much had we developed since the first night you asked me to be yours until to date.
I was a scared and confused panda until your very existence came so suddenly and flipped my switch.

When you said you're glad and lucky to have me...
I actually feel the same.
I'm glad and lucky to have you.
The you who would do all these crazy things with me willingly.
The you who doesn't mind hanging out till late at night with me even though you're sick or tired.
The you who educates and supports me whenever I'm in the wrong way.
The you who worries about my safety and health.
The you who decided to open the door after all those years and months of being a singleton.
The you who came to trust me enough to let me stay inside of your heart.
The you who said "I love you" the very first time.
The you who gave me countless hugs and kisses on the night when I cried in front of you for the first time.
The you who gave me the chance to have all sort of first times with.
The you who loves me despite my flaws and ugly sides.

I couldn't tell all these in front of you because I'm blur and not good with words most of the times.



Even though it has only been a month.

Happy Monthsary.
I love you loads pig.

I'm looking forward to have more monthsaries with you.

🐻💜🐷

Fourteenth Step : Vulnerability

Hi 😁

It's almost one month and I still can't shake the newbie feeling of me having a boyfriend...

I AM glad and happy.

God, the feeling of having someone that you trust to watch your back and be there for you...

Is such a blessing.

But yet, somewhere in the corner of your heart feels odd.

There's this feeling like you've got to chill and open the door wider.

I mean.

Being vulnerable is scary.

Plus I shared my blog link to Mr. G.

Like really, my book is completely open, wild and free.

When you feel too naked about yourself, you might lose some senses.

Your mind will be clouded and you can't help remembering the little details of the moments you spent together.

Somehow, someway,

You will venture deeper with random thoughts about the past, then the future and lastly but not least; the present.

I'm considered as lucky because I don't dwell much on the past.

Nothing too hurtful or unfortunate had happened to me or my family, except for having been poor and messy family trees.

However, yes, I do remember them quite vividly and will only bring them up when it is necessary,

To remind and tell myself that I have to move on and be grateful.

What has passed is past...

You can't change anything about it, 

But you can with what you have in the present days and plan for the future.

Maybe because I am always looking ahead and maybe I'm too naive as well...

Because I don't plan much ahead, and I'm like "we will sort it out later when it comes" or "don't trouble yourself if it's not happening" ?

You can prepare for the worst but don't get too deep.

Once you succumbed into such negativity, it's hard to come back up and breathe.

You will hurt yourself and those around you.

I understand that sometimes I move too fast as well.

Therefore I might've pressured you and I hope you wouldn't feel too suffocating.

I've always wanted to let my parents or grandma to meet the person that I love, who has become someone that means so much to me in such a short period of time.

You're much more amazing to be compared to me.

And yeah, I do feel that you're too nice for me,

And that if I do deserve you?

And that if you really love me the same way as I do?

Actually,

Consider the incident or discussion we had before this.

I don't blame you though.

I'm being too hard on myself too most of the time.

Look, I'm too sure about myself.

My friend once said that an Aquarian needs to see actions to be convinced.

Not just fancy words or promises.

I guess I'm pretty much the same.

I will show my efforts and give all my attentions when it comes to something that means a lot me.

Thus, sometimes I expect you to do the same.

Which you did some!

Congrats!

Being too honest sucks because some people will say you will keep on digging up problems.

But hey, I just like to be on the same page and to understand each other more.

And I'm the type that hates to keep secrets or unresolved cases in my heart, because it's painful.

And then I will get emotional.

Flaws or imperfections,

Dense or stupid,

Selfish or self-centered,

I still want all of you.

Yeap.

Love hurts.

It's like a drug and the more toxic it is, the more you crave after it.

Always playing on the borderline.

And it stays just right there, to keep your head straight and obsessed all the time.

So fragile.

So tender.

So dear to us who has found it.

Love huh?

Is that really what it is?

I didn't know.

Now I kind of understand why people say that being in love with someone makes you stupid.

And I don't need any alcohol or ecstacy pills to get wasted.

Because I already am the love drunk.