I've been dealing with depression since my mis-carriage. I just can't let it go. In addition to experiencing the loss of my baby, I lost my friend last year and the future loss of my mom is on my mind quite frequently. Then, you get into the psyche and realize that I lost my dad to cancer 35 years ago and I've not physically lost friends over the years, but we have parted ways and moved on with our lives without each other and sometimes it makes me really sad.
I had the opportunity to hear Idina Menzel (Elphaba in Wicked) sing the song "for good" with the Colorado Symphony last fall and I cried through the whole thing. Although I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and I know that there is life after death, it is hard to lose people that you love. And, I know that I've only lost a fetus and a friend...I haven't yet lost my mother or husband or children. Phew. I hope we all go out together with a bang. Anyway....
I want to mention the people that have been so influential in my life. They have changed me for good. They've left a handprint on my heart.
*Of course my mother who gave me life and taught me to live!
*My oldest friend Alison Oram. We are still connected although distantly, thanks to the internet, after 34 years. It's amazing.
*That group of girls who stuck together through childhood: Amy Adams, Alison Oram, Amy Huffaker, Lisa Bremer.
*Wendy Russell; the girl who was there for me at the most integral part of life...Jr. High School! We were inseparable. She taught me so much. We had such a great time together. We truly loved each other and I loved her family as well. I miss her.
*Sam Moffit and Chad Sims; the friends I needed in 10th grade. The friends that I got in a little trouble with and failed math with!
*Kristie Cook and Austin Williams; the friends who got me through my senior year and graduation.
*Aaron Smith; my first boyfriend who ironically married...
*Camille DuPaix who was and still is one of my very best friends. Thank goodness for...
*Christa Crompton who brought Camille, Christa and I together. We were roommates for only two years, but it seemed like a lifetime. Camille and Christa were there through the best years of life...College. Go Aggies! I miss them both in my life, but again thanks to the internet for keeping us in touch with each others lives and for an occasional visit here and there.
*Aaron Flater and Kyle Bennion were two of my best friends in college as well. We laughed a lot together and thanks to Kyle, he taught me where the library was, so that I could graduate! "Muy guapo!"
*Keri Jones who came to Denver after I was here and was my best friend. We laughed, we cried, we talked and laughed and cried some more.
*Carrie Owen is my cousin...yet throughout our childhood, she was the only sister I ever knew.
*The girls of Fairfax: Jen Franckum, Carol Summers, Connie Summers, Keri Jones with the adopted Fairfax crew; Tarra Stapelman, Tosha Stapelman, Heather Scott, Jill Dickerson, Leah Martin, Pauline Matson...we were a great group of friends. So many wonderful adventures. We've experienced, marriage, no marriage, children, work, life together and we still get together on birthdays.
*Heather Scott is still thought about and missed on a daily basis. I pray for her husband and children regularly. She was so young to leave this earth. It's so sad.
*Heidi Sliwa was my best work buddy ever. And the things I learned from she and Jen Gruca and Erin Stremming will be with me forever.
*Of course there is Travis Ravsten. The best person that has ever been in my life. Who has gifted me with so many wonderful physical and spiritual blessings. I wouldn't do well without him. He is my best friend and Eternal Companion.
*Dawn Shelton, another cousin who after 30 years became a best friend when we lived within miles together. She helped me through my first two years of motherhood. I'm grateful for her influence and example.
*Erin Holland is my gal! Talk about ying and yang...thats us! We are opposite in so many aspects and need each other at a minimum of two times a day. Many days there are more phone calls! I don't know how I would make it through each day without her.
*Thelma Asper is an amazing woman, neighbor and friend. We were truly blessed when we found her living just behind us! She makes up for some of the grand-parenting that our parents aren't able to provide due to their distance.
*Kedzie, Ethan and Alex Ravsten are the lights of my life. They are my reason for living. They are the best job I've ever had! They are delightful and difficult, smart and funny and oh so cute. I'm grateful every day for them.
*Milo Ravsten impacted our lives in his short two months within me. I miss him every day. But, can't wait for the day to hold him in my arms.
I know there are a million others that have influenced my life and made it better, I'm sure I'll post this and wish I hadn't yet, but I think I've made it clear. There are many people who have come into my life and shaped it, people who have been my friend. Most of these people I miss dearly because we have grown apart. But, I'm grateful for the time we had together. It was a gift. Thank you.
Here are the words to the song. It's powerful. This is somewhat therapeutic for me! Enjoy. Love, EM
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
And because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...
