How many of us placed our children thinking that if we sacrificed by placing our child for adoption at least they would never have to go through placing their children? How many of us assumed that if we raised our children poor, without fathers around our children would end up either pregnant young or getting someone pregnant young?
When I came to my parents in July of 1991 telling them I was pregnant my mother started mentioning adoption. I was still with Allysa's dad at this time. I was working 2 part time jobs, going to summer school, and looking at going to night school so I could graduate a year early, just months after my baby was due.
By August my mom was taking me to weekly counseling sessions with LDSFS. My counselor started to seem like a friend. She asked me what I could provide, what Allysa's dad could provide. She asked if I would have wanted to be married and educated when I had my child. She asked me to start thinking about the things that I could provide compared to a married educated couple.
By mid-September I had ended it with Allysa's dad. He still wanted to be involved with me but I was done. I just walked away from him. There were many reasons why I walked away but the biggest ones were that he wasn't working and he was doing drugs. I did not want that around my baby. I did not give him a chance to get himself cleaned up, I did not give him ultimatums. I just left him. I figured by this point I was several months along if he wanted to get a job and stop doing drugs he would have. I shouldn't have to give him an ultimatum, was my thinking. He was also starting to show signs of being very possessive. He even showed up at my school waiting for me at the end of my school day after we broke up. He was 21 and I was 16 at the time.
The days that my mom would drive me to school she would talk to me about the different adoption options that were available. I remember several times starting off class barely able to hold my emotions together. I just wanted my baby but I started to think that maybe I wasn't enough for my child. I was told about the statistics for my child having a teenage pregnancy, being uneducated, and the list goes on. I was also having counseling sessions with my bishop 2 or 3 times a monthly. In every counseling session with him adoption was mentioned.
In October/November time I received a tape in the mail and a letter from Alyssa's dad. I never read or listened to it but my mom did. It basically said that no one can keep us apart and he would take me from my family. Yes I was scared, terrified, shocked. I just wanted to protect my baby. I didn't want her to deal with this craziness. She was innocent and did nothing wrong.
At this point both my mom and SW talked to me more about adoption. As if the weekly counseling with LDSFS and the drop offs at school where my mom always mentioned adoption wasn't enough. No one ever mentioned restraining order. It was as if the only way to protect my child was to place her for adoption. Now I realize that Allysa's paternal uncle and grandparents would have helped me with her but they were never given the chance or option.
By November/December time the SW had me just look at profiles. The first one she showed me was a sweet, special couple, that she said she knew I would love. She then compared what this couple could provide to my child to what I could provide, now that I was single and would not marry the father. She had me make a list of everything I would want for my child. I was reminded about the high percentage of teenage pregnancies when children are raised by single mothers with no fathers.
I gave up. I absolutely totally gave up. I loved my baby. I did want more for her. I wanted her to have everything I couldn't provide. I never wanted my child to go through the hell of having an unplanned pregnancy. I never wanted her to be single and alone. If my baby was going to be a boy I was told how important his father would be to him. I was told how no other man would make up for his father not being around. I didn't know what I was going to have so they worked both angles.
When I finally sat down and chose the couples, the first one they showed me was the one they showed me weeks before. The sweet couple that they knew I would love. I had so much going on in my head I didn't even realize that the couple was the same one they had showed me previously. I wonder now if maybe this couple was at the top of the list to be parents? I will never know that answer. My mom later mentioned to me that they were the same couple that I had seen the profile of originally.
Not only was it drilled into me that I couldn't parent without a spouse, that my child deserved more, but also that my child had a high chance of becoming a b@#%^ parent if I did not place. My parents never sat me down and said we will help you, you can stay with us, they did not threaten to kick me out but it was never acknowledged that if I did not choose adoption I could bring my baby home.
If you look at my family from the outside I would have been the last one to "choose" adoption. My mom got pregnant before she married my dad. Of the 6 of my siblings that have had kids not one of us was married before we had our first child. Some of us have blended families, some of us married the father of our children, Of us 5 girls I was the only one that placed I have since found out that 2 of my sisters were pressured to place by my mother, but neither of them were brought into LDSFS for counseling, I was the only one. I have cousins that choose to live happily unmarried with their children's father. Having a child out of wedlock is not a horrible evil thing, if it was why would single women ever be allowed to adopt?
What I find so interesting is my now 90 year old grandmother was the one person that was against the adoption. Up until a year ago my grandma still mentioned Allysa with tears in her eyes she said, "I wish you could have kept her in the family, If she was to be adopted it would have been best if someone in the family could raise her". Grandma, you are a wise woman. I wish when I was pregnant you didn't live 800 miles away. I think you understand so much more than I ever did about adoption.
Owen and me
My first grandson one day old.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Kenny is 15 today
Today Kenny turns 15, I can't believe how fast the time has past. He has gone from a baby, to a very independent toddler, and now a teenager that is taller than me. He is still very independent, headstrong, stubborn, but he is also has the kindest heart. He worries about his younger cousins and tries to watch out for them. He fiercely defends any one that he feels was treated unfairly. That will serve him well in life, but it is a hard trait to have as a teenager.
When Kenny went to his first day of Kindergarten he decided he no longer needed me. I tried to walk him to his class and hold his hand. He was the youngest and smallest in his class. He had just turned 5 as Kindergarten started. As I tried to walk Kenny up from the car to his classroom he looked up at me with his round blue eyes and said "mommy, don't hold my hand, you can go back to the car, I will find my way to my class."
Kenny has always been strong both physically and emotionally. He has always tried to be manly and protective. I feel my job with him is to teach him to take the best parts of himself and improve them. I need to teach him how to walk away from fights. I need to teach him that sometimes others do not need protecting, that he has to protect himself, his heart. There are so many things that I can not protect him from. I'm afraid of the hard lessons in life he will learn. I want him to know that no matter what happens I will always love him. I know he will grow up and be amazing. He can do anything he sets his mind to.
I love you Kenny, happy birthday my little one.
When Kenny went to his first day of Kindergarten he decided he no longer needed me. I tried to walk him to his class and hold his hand. He was the youngest and smallest in his class. He had just turned 5 as Kindergarten started. As I tried to walk Kenny up from the car to his classroom he looked up at me with his round blue eyes and said "mommy, don't hold my hand, you can go back to the car, I will find my way to my class."
Kenny has always been strong both physically and emotionally. He has always tried to be manly and protective. I feel my job with him is to teach him to take the best parts of himself and improve them. I need to teach him how to walk away from fights. I need to teach him that sometimes others do not need protecting, that he has to protect himself, his heart. There are so many things that I can not protect him from. I'm afraid of the hard lessons in life he will learn. I want him to know that no matter what happens I will always love him. I know he will grow up and be amazing. He can do anything he sets his mind to.
I love you Kenny, happy birthday my little one.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Notes on Facebook by Hanne
Notes on facebook by Hanne anderson
To all people considering obtaining an infant via "adoption":
1. Have you really thought about the permanent soul destruction you are doing to a mother and infant by separating them? Or is your desire for an infant so strong that you cannot even consider that perhaps you are engaging in something that is sinister and more than likely illegal? Do you even care?
2. Do you not see that cutting the cord in the hospital and "catching the baby" is exploitive and barbaric?
3. Do you not see that soliciting for a pregnant girl or young woman is exploitive and unethical?
4. Do you not see that paying any amount of money for an infant is sickening? Do you realize when your child finds out how much you paid for them they may feel like they were a slave to be bought and sold?
5. Do you tell yourself and others and say "well she willingly gave away her baby?" You need to know that most mothers whose infants have been adopted did not "willingly give away" their babies. Saying and believing that mothers "willingly give away" their babies is a myth. Most mothers that are not interfered with by prospective adopters and their agents, and who are honoured and supported during their pregnancy and motherhood will do what nature and God intended and parent their babies.
6. Do you lie to yourself and tell yourself that there are so many "orphans" out their that need to be rescued? Do you realize that the majority of children in orphanages have been kidnapped from their families and trafficked? Do you realize that by participating in the trafficking of children for adoption that you are also assisting the same illegal organizations that traffic children for organ harvesting (yes they murder the children for their organs), child sex slavery, and pedophelia? Do you care?
7. Are you lying to yourself and saying that because it is an "open adoption" that it is ok? Are you considering closing the adoption once the paperwork is finalized so you can have the baby all to yourself?
8. Do you justify taking a mother's baby because believe the myth that they are crack addicted whores? or a pregnant teen, or a welfare queen that shouldn't be allowed to parent because they are not as priveldged as you are?
9. Are you an adopted person who has also adopted an infant? Did you know that many adopted people that adopt an infant are trying to normalize the trauma of being separated from their mother?
10. Did you know as an adopted young women and if you get pregnant you have a 900% higher risk that you will loose your infant to adoption? Did you know that this is because your adopters will be threatened by your fertility and they are also concerned that you will leave them and go find your mother and father?
11. Do you keep telling yourself "well she could have had an abortion?" to justify taking her child for yourself and interfering with her pregnancy and exploit her for her baby? Do you realize when you say "she could always have had an abortion" you are saying that women should be legally subjected to forced pregnancy in order to supply you with a baby? How is this NOT reproductive slavery? Do you realize that many mothers when choosing to continue with their pregnancy most do so because they want to parent?
12. Do you just keep lying to yourself and everyone else saying it is "God's Plan?" Newsflash: God didn't plan this you did. So take responsibility for using pregnant vulnerable young women and girls as your reproductive slaves. God would NEVER plan to have the infertiles exploit vulnerable pregnant young women in such a barbaric and inhumane act as reproductive slavery and infant "adoption."
To all people considering obtaining an infant via "adoption":
1. Have you really thought about the permanent soul destruction you are doing to a mother and infant by separating them? Or is your desire for an infant so strong that you cannot even consider that perhaps you are engaging in something that is sinister and more than likely illegal? Do you even care?
2. Do you not see that cutting the cord in the hospital and "catching the baby" is exploitive and barbaric?
3. Do you not see that soliciting for a pregnant girl or young woman is exploitive and unethical?
4. Do you not see that paying any amount of money for an infant is sickening? Do you realize when your child finds out how much you paid for them they may feel like they were a slave to be bought and sold?
5. Do you tell yourself and others and say "well she willingly gave away her baby?" You need to know that most mothers whose infants have been adopted did not "willingly give away" their babies. Saying and believing that mothers "willingly give away" their babies is a myth. Most mothers that are not interfered with by prospective adopters and their agents, and who are honoured and supported during their pregnancy and motherhood will do what nature and God intended and parent their babies.
6. Do you lie to yourself and tell yourself that there are so many "orphans" out their that need to be rescued? Do you realize that the majority of children in orphanages have been kidnapped from their families and trafficked? Do you realize that by participating in the trafficking of children for adoption that you are also assisting the same illegal organizations that traffic children for organ harvesting (yes they murder the children for their organs), child sex slavery, and pedophelia? Do you care?
7. Are you lying to yourself and saying that because it is an "open adoption" that it is ok? Are you considering closing the adoption once the paperwork is finalized so you can have the baby all to yourself?
8. Do you justify taking a mother's baby because believe the myth that they are crack addicted whores? or a pregnant teen, or a welfare queen that shouldn't be allowed to parent because they are not as priveldged as you are?
9. Are you an adopted person who has also adopted an infant? Did you know that many adopted people that adopt an infant are trying to normalize the trauma of being separated from their mother?
10. Did you know as an adopted young women and if you get pregnant you have a 900% higher risk that you will loose your infant to adoption? Did you know that this is because your adopters will be threatened by your fertility and they are also concerned that you will leave them and go find your mother and father?
11. Do you keep telling yourself "well she could have had an abortion?" to justify taking her child for yourself and interfering with her pregnancy and exploit her for her baby? Do you realize when you say "she could always have had an abortion" you are saying that women should be legally subjected to forced pregnancy in order to supply you with a baby? How is this NOT reproductive slavery? Do you realize that many mothers when choosing to continue with their pregnancy most do so because they want to parent?
12. Do you just keep lying to yourself and everyone else saying it is "God's Plan?" Newsflash: God didn't plan this you did. So take responsibility for using pregnant vulnerable young women and girls as your reproductive slaves. God would NEVER plan to have the infertiles exploit vulnerable pregnant young women in such a barbaric and inhumane act as reproductive slavery and infant "adoption."
How many other mothers have had this conversation in their heart/head?
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Name changes
When I gave birth to Alyssa I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I had labored from February 25th starting around midnight or 1am and I finally had her February 27th around 8pm. Yes not quite 3 days of labor. I had pushed for over 2 hours and lets just say I tore ALOT. They had to stitch me up for almost 30 minutes. I did not have a cesarean. I was extra medicated while in the hospital because of all the stitches.
I kept Alyssa with me as much as I could in the hospital. I hated it when the nurses would take her and run tests or take her to let me sleep. I had many family and friends visit me in the hospital. I was so exhausted I could barely remember my name. I honestly thought Alyssa was going to be a boy. None of the ultrasounds showed her sex. I was ready with a boys name and knew the spelling I wanted. I had picked out a girls name just in case but never really fully decided on the spelling, because I was going to have a boy. I thought of spelling it either Alyssa or Alissa. When I was filling out Alyssa's birth certificate I was so exhausted and full of pain medication that I had spelled her name differently than I had planned. I ended up spelling her name Allysa.
I did add her dad onto her birth certificate. I did not give her her dad's last name but my maiden name. My thought process was I will only give my kids their father's last name if I am married to their father (mature thinking right?). I wanted her to be able to find her dad easily when she was ready, so I made sure she had his full name on the OBC with his birth date and that she knew he was a junior. I had assumed she would be able to get her birth certificate as easy as I got mine. OK obviously I was very, very, very naive.
I had also always hoped in the years to come that her dad would be an honorable respectable person that she could easily love and admire. I wanted him to be off of drugs, I wanted him working , educated, and settled down happily with a family of his own. Well that did not turn out as I had hoped.
Now Allysa wants to go by her original name. Either name is fine with me because it is her choice. Both are her names, it is not about me or her adoptive parents. As of right now Allysa is not her legal name and it will be her choice to change it legally when she is ready. She has asked is if I can start spelling her name the original way I had it on her birth certificate. I am going to try to start spelling it the way it was on her OBC not the way I had thought of spelling it. This is going to be a struggle to change my writing but I will try from now on to write Allysa. Every letter I wrote Allysa for the first 17 years of her life I wrote "Alyssa". If anyone catches me spelling her name the wrong way please let me know.
I kept Alyssa with me as much as I could in the hospital. I hated it when the nurses would take her and run tests or take her to let me sleep. I had many family and friends visit me in the hospital. I was so exhausted I could barely remember my name. I honestly thought Alyssa was going to be a boy. None of the ultrasounds showed her sex. I was ready with a boys name and knew the spelling I wanted. I had picked out a girls name just in case but never really fully decided on the spelling, because I was going to have a boy. I thought of spelling it either Alyssa or Alissa. When I was filling out Alyssa's birth certificate I was so exhausted and full of pain medication that I had spelled her name differently than I had planned. I ended up spelling her name Allysa.
I did add her dad onto her birth certificate. I did not give her her dad's last name but my maiden name. My thought process was I will only give my kids their father's last name if I am married to their father (mature thinking right?). I wanted her to be able to find her dad easily when she was ready, so I made sure she had his full name on the OBC with his birth date and that she knew he was a junior. I had assumed she would be able to get her birth certificate as easy as I got mine. OK obviously I was very, very, very naive.
I had also always hoped in the years to come that her dad would be an honorable respectable person that she could easily love and admire. I wanted him to be off of drugs, I wanted him working , educated, and settled down happily with a family of his own. Well that did not turn out as I had hoped.
Now Allysa wants to go by her original name. Either name is fine with me because it is her choice. Both are her names, it is not about me or her adoptive parents. As of right now Allysa is not her legal name and it will be her choice to change it legally when she is ready. She has asked is if I can start spelling her name the original way I had it on her birth certificate. I am going to try to start spelling it the way it was on her OBC not the way I had thought of spelling it. This is going to be a struggle to change my writing but I will try from now on to write Allysa. Every letter I wrote Allysa for the first 17 years of her life I wrote "Alyssa". If anyone catches me spelling her name the wrong way please let me know.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Death and Wills
Before Alyssa and I were reunited I would always wonder if I would have been told if something happened to her. If she had been in a serious accident would I have been contacted? I know adoptees that I have talked to would worry if there mothers died would they have been contacted.
Last weekend my sister had to take her daughter's half sister to the ER. No way to get a hold of the mom and my sister was taking care of her overnight. This is not my sisters child. My niece and this girl have the same dad and did not know about each other until about 2 years ago. They are both teenagers. To make understanding this easier I will call the girl C. After my sister took C to the ER they asked if my sister was family. My sister is not family at all. She is not a step-parent of C, there is no blood relation. My sister said no I'm not family so she was asked to leave. Luckily someone thought fast and said no she is C's aunt let her stay in the room. From what I heard having my sister there helped C and comforted her. C had her aunt (her dad's sister) also there with her.
It got me thinking if anything ever happened to Alyssa, even living with us, could I be barred from seeing her in the hospital. From everything I can find the answer is yes. If Alyssa's adoptive parents didn't want me at the hospital and Alyssa could not talk for herself I could be asked to leave. I am not family. Wow how is that one for you? As an adult and Alyssa viewing me as one of her two mothers I have no rights.
In the reverse, the same could happen to Alyssa, she could be barred from seeing me if my family decided against it. My family knows I would haunt them if they ever tried doing that to Alyssa, though. She has no worries about not being able to see me if anything ever happened and I was hospitalized.
Recently Alyssa and I were talking and she asked if she was in my will. She also asked what would happen to the younger kids if Jer and I died. Who would raise them? I know this sounds morbid but my family talks about everything. I told her we had decided Jer's parents would raise them. Alyssa said she would want to raise them if anything happened to us. When she was asking about my will it wasn't about inheritance but what would happen to her siblings. Who would raise them? Would they stay together? She worried about Cassie being the youngest and who would handle her emotions through the teenage years. I am not planning on going anywhere for at least 50 more years. Hopefully we will never have to worry about these things.
Last weekend my sister had to take her daughter's half sister to the ER. No way to get a hold of the mom and my sister was taking care of her overnight. This is not my sisters child. My niece and this girl have the same dad and did not know about each other until about 2 years ago. They are both teenagers. To make understanding this easier I will call the girl C. After my sister took C to the ER they asked if my sister was family. My sister is not family at all. She is not a step-parent of C, there is no blood relation. My sister said no I'm not family so she was asked to leave. Luckily someone thought fast and said no she is C's aunt let her stay in the room. From what I heard having my sister there helped C and comforted her. C had her aunt (her dad's sister) also there with her.
It got me thinking if anything ever happened to Alyssa, even living with us, could I be barred from seeing her in the hospital. From everything I can find the answer is yes. If Alyssa's adoptive parents didn't want me at the hospital and Alyssa could not talk for herself I could be asked to leave. I am not family. Wow how is that one for you? As an adult and Alyssa viewing me as one of her two mothers I have no rights.
In the reverse, the same could happen to Alyssa, she could be barred from seeing me if my family decided against it. My family knows I would haunt them if they ever tried doing that to Alyssa, though. She has no worries about not being able to see me if anything ever happened and I was hospitalized.
Recently Alyssa and I were talking and she asked if she was in my will. She also asked what would happen to the younger kids if Jer and I died. Who would raise them? I know this sounds morbid but my family talks about everything. I told her we had decided Jer's parents would raise them. Alyssa said she would want to raise them if anything happened to us. When she was asking about my will it wasn't about inheritance but what would happen to her siblings. Who would raise them? Would they stay together? She worried about Cassie being the youngest and who would handle her emotions through the teenage years. I am not planning on going anywhere for at least 50 more years. Hopefully we will never have to worry about these things.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Put yourself in others shoes
I love it when adoptive parents read blogs like mine, "angry natural mothers"and "angry adoptees" and instead of trying to understand adoption from others POVthey demean our opinion and call it angry. Have them try adoption not once but twice, have them lose 2 of their 5 descendants to adoption. Many women barely make it through the first time. Some give up and kill themselves because of the pain with relinquishment. It is well known that surrender of our children causes depression and infertility. Now watch your daughter go through it after living it yourself. Let's see what any of these grateful adoptive parents would do in my shoes, how would there POV be different.
What is better is how they put their children's natural mother in the spot and back them in the corner. First of all never call your child's natural mother your birth mother. You are an adoptive parent not the adoptee. If it is not the woman that gave birth to you do not refer to her as your birth mother. Can you imagine being called up by your child's adoptive parents and asked your opinion on someone else's writing? Do you agree with your child's adoptive parents and keep the peace? Do you speak out and chance that your open adoption will be closed. How cruel to put another in that spot especially as an adoptive parent that holds all the power, all the cards.
When I commented that adoption and slavery both use money to buy human life that is true. Granted I do not think that most adoptive parents use their children as slaves but they did buy their children. That is a cold hard fact. Anytime there is money involved with adoption there is a much higher chance of kidnappings, coercion, and unethical procedures. Think of it this way, if it was your daughter, mother, or best friend that went to an adoption agency how would you want them treated. Would you want them to have all the facts, the truth, to not have pressure by anyone to place. Would you want them to try to parent? What would you want for the person that you care about more than yourself? If the scared pregnant person was your sister or best friend would you help them to parent? Would you take them in your house for however long it took for them to get on your feet? Or would you still covet their children?
What is better is how they put their children's natural mother in the spot and back them in the corner. First of all never call your child's natural mother your birth mother. You are an adoptive parent not the adoptee. If it is not the woman that gave birth to you do not refer to her as your birth mother. Can you imagine being called up by your child's adoptive parents and asked your opinion on someone else's writing? Do you agree with your child's adoptive parents and keep the peace? Do you speak out and chance that your open adoption will be closed. How cruel to put another in that spot especially as an adoptive parent that holds all the power, all the cards.
When I commented that adoption and slavery both use money to buy human life that is true. Granted I do not think that most adoptive parents use their children as slaves but they did buy their children. That is a cold hard fact. Anytime there is money involved with adoption there is a much higher chance of kidnappings, coercion, and unethical procedures. Think of it this way, if it was your daughter, mother, or best friend that went to an adoption agency how would you want them treated. Would you want them to have all the facts, the truth, to not have pressure by anyone to place. Would you want them to try to parent? What would you want for the person that you care about more than yourself? If the scared pregnant person was your sister or best friend would you help them to parent? Would you take them in your house for however long it took for them to get on your feet? Or would you still covet their children?
Sunday, August 14, 2011
I'm Alive and fighting again
Friday night obviously the grief had hit hard. There are many reasons, but really living with adoption is hard emotionally. Sometimes I break and Friday I just couldn't hold it together another moment longer. I get tired of even family telling me that I don't understand adoption because I don't have enough empathy for APs and PAPs. That as long as kids are raised in a happy environment they will be happy and grateful about their adoption. When I see AP actually standing up for adoptees (and there are some) letting them speak, letting them have a voice, when adoption is no longer about them and their wants and needs I will have empathy towards those APs.
On Friday to get rid of some of my grief I started cleaning. Alyssa came home and saw me, she asked what was wrong. I broke down hysterically sobbing, my little girl was comforting me. I apologized to her for not being strong enough to keep her, for not being there for her for 18 years. I apologized for not fighting harder for her or Owen.
I was worried that one day I will do something and she will walk away from me. I put my fears out there and we talked. It was really good. Maybe we both needed me to not be so strong all the time. We needed to talk about our fears. I think we both feel closer.
This weekend I was supposed to make sure everyone was ready for school tomorrow. It is there first day back. We had a total change of plans and instead helped my little sister move. She is a single mom with 2 little boys and their was no way she could move everything on her own. Besides I always do much better keeping myself busy.
I am so glad for my online fb/blogging friends. Thank you for lifting me up. I try so hard not to be a downer but to put my truth out here to put my experiences out here without being totally negative. I do know adoptions sometimes have to happen. I do know sometimes mothers do not have the support or are abusive to their children. But I do not think most of us that have placed our newborn infants are abusive. A lot of us are not on drugs and alcohol. I have never been on any type of illegal drug ever. I have never had problems with the police. I have never even had a speeding ticket. I took good care of myself and my children when I was pregnant. I have never abused or neglected any of my children. So tell me why was my daughter better off with other parents.
On Friday to get rid of some of my grief I started cleaning. Alyssa came home and saw me, she asked what was wrong. I broke down hysterically sobbing, my little girl was comforting me. I apologized to her for not being strong enough to keep her, for not being there for her for 18 years. I apologized for not fighting harder for her or Owen.
I was worried that one day I will do something and she will walk away from me. I put my fears out there and we talked. It was really good. Maybe we both needed me to not be so strong all the time. We needed to talk about our fears. I think we both feel closer.
This weekend I was supposed to make sure everyone was ready for school tomorrow. It is there first day back. We had a total change of plans and instead helped my little sister move. She is a single mom with 2 little boys and their was no way she could move everything on her own. Besides I always do much better keeping myself busy.
I am so glad for my online fb/blogging friends. Thank you for lifting me up. I try so hard not to be a downer but to put my truth out here to put my experiences out here without being totally negative. I do know adoptions sometimes have to happen. I do know sometimes mothers do not have the support or are abusive to their children. But I do not think most of us that have placed our newborn infants are abusive. A lot of us are not on drugs and alcohol. I have never been on any type of illegal drug ever. I have never had problems with the police. I have never even had a speeding ticket. I took good care of myself and my children when I was pregnant. I have never abused or neglected any of my children. So tell me why was my daughter better off with other parents.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Just done
Warning this post will have bad language. If you can't handle cursing please don't read this post.
The longer today goes on the more sad and depressed I am getting. I have kept myself very busy with work this past month. I think I am tryings not to feel this hurt and pain. I have made sure my family has been taken care of. I have tried to make sure everyone is happy and emotionally taken care of. Today it has really hit me that Owen is lost to us forever. I am done with all this BS. I have lived through the one year, two year, three years, four year anniversaries of losing Alyssa and now I am doing that all over again but with Owen. How does anyone live through this more than once? I want my kids and Alyssa's son with me at my house but I know that won't happen. That isn't my reality. I can't make up for the 18 years I wasn't there for Alyssa. I can't make up for not raising Alyssa. I feel that nothing I do will ever be good enough to make up for surrendering Alyssa(I'm not going to use any effing positive adoption language). I surrendered her I did not make an adoption plan. I gave up.
The choice that I made 19 and a half years ago has affected 5 generations. It has affected my grandmother. my siblings, my kids, my parents, and now Owen. If Alyssa has any more children it will affect them also.
I haven't really said anything to my family or my friends but I left the LDS church a year ago. I just can't justify going to any church that has been or is involved with adoption. To some this may seem to be extreme. I just can't make excuses or justify this any longer.
I know in a few days I will be better but for now I just want to say eff this and walk away. I want to be done with adoption. I just want my real true family. I want adoptive parents to stop defending their actions of coveting other people's children.
The longer today goes on the more sad and depressed I am getting. I have kept myself very busy with work this past month. I think I am tryings not to feel this hurt and pain. I have made sure my family has been taken care of. I have tried to make sure everyone is happy and emotionally taken care of. Today it has really hit me that Owen is lost to us forever. I am done with all this BS. I have lived through the one year, two year, three years, four year anniversaries of losing Alyssa and now I am doing that all over again but with Owen. How does anyone live through this more than once? I want my kids and Alyssa's son with me at my house but I know that won't happen. That isn't my reality. I can't make up for the 18 years I wasn't there for Alyssa. I can't make up for not raising Alyssa. I feel that nothing I do will ever be good enough to make up for surrendering Alyssa(I'm not going to use any effing positive adoption language). I surrendered her I did not make an adoption plan. I gave up.
The choice that I made 19 and a half years ago has affected 5 generations. It has affected my grandmother. my siblings, my kids, my parents, and now Owen. If Alyssa has any more children it will affect them also.
I haven't really said anything to my family or my friends but I left the LDS church a year ago. I just can't justify going to any church that has been or is involved with adoption. To some this may seem to be extreme. I just can't make excuses or justify this any longer.
I know in a few days I will be better but for now I just want to say eff this and walk away. I want to be done with adoption. I just want my real true family. I want adoptive parents to stop defending their actions of coveting other people's children.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Truth is a hard pill to swallow
Yesterday I was reading on FMF about reunion. An adoptee commented and it struck a chord with me.
"I can't imagine there is an adoptee who wouldn't say that we will always always always want our mommies. But sometimes, even the loving reunions hurt - "I could have had that love my whole life and it was taken away."
I don't think "open adoption" changes that view. How can even a child adoptee not see the love their natural mother has for them on short visits and wonder why she isn't raising them. Why the adoptee is not living with her.
Wow those words bring tears to my eyes, I wonder if my daughter thinks about that. If she is hurt by those emotions. I can understand why adoptees would be angry, they have every right to be. Adoption was done to them, they had zero say or control in it.
Adoption is not as simple as we like to make it. There is hurt on every end, the adoptee, and all 4 parents hurt and ache. We live in a society that allows children to be paid for, that allows children to be sold to the highest bidder, almost like loving familial slavery. Where else can you buy a human other than adoption and slavery? We allow corruption and unethical procedures. Things may be legal but that does not make them ethical. I think it can especially be hard for adoptive parents to use a critical eye and see adoption for what it is and has been in this country for almost a hundred years. It brought them happiness, it gave them a family. It is hard to see that it also tore apart another family. That they took a child away from the only parent that child knew.
Adoptees so often grow up being taught that adoption is happy that it would have been bad if they stayed with their mother, that they could have been aborted, that their mother loved them so much she gave them away. They should be grateful for the parents they have now.
As mothers that surrendered it is hard to admit that we were taken advantage of for our children. That agencies and sometimes adoptive couples became our friends so they can have our children. Our children were sold for a very hefty price tag. It is hard to go back to that place where we were so weak and vulnerable. Where we gave up and surrendered our children. That we believed the lies we were told. It is hard to admit the strong able woman I am today allowed others to take advantage of me. I gave up not only on myself but my daughter also. I was convinced that I was not good enough. It was very subtle but it did the job. It was easy to see when it happened to my daughter, I knew once she walked into the agency she was done. I knew the methods that would be used on my daughter. They really haven't changed a whole lot in 20 years.
"I can't imagine there is an adoptee who wouldn't say that we will always always always want our mommies. But sometimes, even the loving reunions hurt - "I could have had that love my whole life and it was taken away."
I don't think "open adoption" changes that view. How can even a child adoptee not see the love their natural mother has for them on short visits and wonder why she isn't raising them. Why the adoptee is not living with her.
Wow those words bring tears to my eyes, I wonder if my daughter thinks about that. If she is hurt by those emotions. I can understand why adoptees would be angry, they have every right to be. Adoption was done to them, they had zero say or control in it.
Adoption is not as simple as we like to make it. There is hurt on every end, the adoptee, and all 4 parents hurt and ache. We live in a society that allows children to be paid for, that allows children to be sold to the highest bidder, almost like loving familial slavery. Where else can you buy a human other than adoption and slavery? We allow corruption and unethical procedures. Things may be legal but that does not make them ethical. I think it can especially be hard for adoptive parents to use a critical eye and see adoption for what it is and has been in this country for almost a hundred years. It brought them happiness, it gave them a family. It is hard to see that it also tore apart another family. That they took a child away from the only parent that child knew.
Adoptees so often grow up being taught that adoption is happy that it would have been bad if they stayed with their mother, that they could have been aborted, that their mother loved them so much she gave them away. They should be grateful for the parents they have now.
As mothers that surrendered it is hard to admit that we were taken advantage of for our children. That agencies and sometimes adoptive couples became our friends so they can have our children. Our children were sold for a very hefty price tag. It is hard to go back to that place where we were so weak and vulnerable. Where we gave up and surrendered our children. That we believed the lies we were told. It is hard to admit the strong able woman I am today allowed others to take advantage of me. I gave up not only on myself but my daughter also. I was convinced that I was not good enough. It was very subtle but it did the job. It was easy to see when it happened to my daughter, I knew once she walked into the agency she was done. I knew the methods that would be used on my daughter. They really haven't changed a whole lot in 20 years.
Open Mike - short post
Last night Alyssa sang in at an open mike performance at a local cafe. It was amazing to be able to watch her to hear her. She has such an amazing voice, but I am a little biased. There were about 10 performers and they each did one or two songs, some were covers and some they had written. Every one was really good and you could tell they just loved music.
I am so gad I got this chance, and to think I could still be missing out on her life. We can't go back and change the past but we can forgive and start anew with each other. I love you Allysa and I am so proud of you.
I am so gad I got this chance, and to think I could still be missing out on her life. We can't go back and change the past but we can forgive and start anew with each other. I love you Allysa and I am so proud of you.
Monday, August 1, 2011
The positives of the weeks
Right now I want to focus on the positives before getting into any negatives. Alyssa came home from Utah 2 and a half days early, with a little help from her Auntie. I was so excited, we picked her up from the airport yesterday morning. She was able to see Owen twice while she was in Utah. Her and I made it through Owen's first birthday, separately but we made it through.
Last night she was the only kid home. The boys were at their grandma's spending the night. They are volunteering for a bible camp that their grandma is in charge of. It was easier for her to have them spend the night at her house. Cassie spent the night at one of her best friends house and she is at Girls Camp for the rest of the week. Alyssa and I were just laying down and talking and then she asked "Mama is it OK if I just sleep in your bed tonight with you? Will dad be upset if he gets kicked out?" All of my kids have always came into my bed if they need extra love, reassurance, or had a bad dream. Alyssa has seen this happen. After this week she needed the extra mama love.
We were laying in bed and talking about adoption and other things. All of a sudden Alyssa said, "Um..oh" I replied back, "What were you gonna say?" She said. "Well I was going to say thanks for not giving me up for adoption, then I realized you had, I just forgot". We talked some more and she had said how comfortable she is and how much she feels like she belongs with us that she forgets we didn't always have each other, she forgets we weren't always together.
Don't get me wrong my house is not all peaceful and quiet where the kids don't fight and argue. They all do argue with each other. All 4 kids do sometimes argue, jobs do not always get done, we do sometimes yell, just like any other family. My kids may argue with each other but also will kill for each other, I can guarantee that. They can tease and make fun of each other but no one else is ever allowed too. They have each other's backs. Those 4 kids are so close.
Last night she was the only kid home. The boys were at their grandma's spending the night. They are volunteering for a bible camp that their grandma is in charge of. It was easier for her to have them spend the night at her house. Cassie spent the night at one of her best friends house and she is at Girls Camp for the rest of the week. Alyssa and I were just laying down and talking and then she asked "Mama is it OK if I just sleep in your bed tonight with you? Will dad be upset if he gets kicked out?" All of my kids have always came into my bed if they need extra love, reassurance, or had a bad dream. Alyssa has seen this happen. After this week she needed the extra mama love.
We were laying in bed and talking about adoption and other things. All of a sudden Alyssa said, "Um..oh" I replied back, "What were you gonna say?" She said. "Well I was going to say thanks for not giving me up for adoption, then I realized you had, I just forgot". We talked some more and she had said how comfortable she is and how much she feels like she belongs with us that she forgets we didn't always have each other, she forgets we weren't always together.
Don't get me wrong my house is not all peaceful and quiet where the kids don't fight and argue. They all do argue with each other. All 4 kids do sometimes argue, jobs do not always get done, we do sometimes yell, just like any other family. My kids may argue with each other but also will kill for each other, I can guarantee that. They can tease and make fun of each other but no one else is ever allowed too. They have each other's backs. Those 4 kids are so close.
Oh Baby
A few days ago I read an amazing post at adoption truth. When I grow up I want to be just like her :) .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
