Moving on over

I am moving my blog to www.ourheartslinked.wordpress.com

Jeannette

Reality TV or a day in my laugh

I started writing this post December 15th but I have been way too busy to finish it.

My kids always say that our life is funnier, crazier, and more dramatic than any reality TV show ever on. They will tell me that we should set up video cameras to follow  us and capture the craziness.  Yesterday was one of those days.  My kids do things to make each other laugh all the time.  They also fight and argue and get on each other's nerves.  Think the antics of the Kardashians but without the privilege and money. 

Allysa and I work together so when I drop off the boys at school she is with me.  After working in an office for hours she has a bit of built up energy.  We go to the boys high school and we see Alex across the grass laying down and talking with his girlfriend.  Allysa being the awesome and amazing older sister yells as loud as she can "Alex, Alex, Alex (insert last name here) stop making out with your girlfriend.  Alex come to the car right now your mom is waiting for you"  She continues to yell and laugh until he gets to the car.  Next Allysa sees Kenny and does the same thing to him.  My boys are totally embarrassed but they are laughing most of the way home.

 Then Kenny as we are driving home informs us that his dad wants a family meeting tonight.  He wants to discuss the kids behavior etc.  Kenny is riled up and gets his siblings riled up.  My husband never mentioned anything to me(which is totally out of character for him).  I text my husband and ask him what is going on.  I guess it started off on Monday night that Kenny got annoyed because Cassie and Allysa were snapping at each other over the last day.  Kenny thought it would be a good idea to have a family meeting so he talked to my husband alone.  My husband allowed Kenny to talk and get out his frustration and then said something like well if I see a major problem I will have a family meeting.  In typical 15 year old boy mode Kenny only listened to half of what my husband said, you know the half that acknowledged Kenny's feelings and ideas.  So basically Kenny got everyone riled up and annoyed for no reason at all.  Everyone calmed down and it became back to our peaceful family.

We get home and do a few things.  I continue to check my work email from home but then remember I need to grab the mail.  I go outside and I see 2 pairs of shoes on the ground, both of my boys shoes, the outside broom on the ground and my boys staring at the top of the tree.  You know something bad is happening.  My boys are standing on the damp grass in just socks so of course I ask what are you 2 doing now? Well they said, we threw a ball and it got stuck in the tree so now we are trying to get it out but more things are getting stuck in the tree.  Wow I love those boys and I just ha to laugh and ask what else was stuck in the tree.  They answered they have gotten a shoe stuck but then they threw the other shoe and got the stuck shoe out of the tree but the ball didn't come out.  They then got the rake handle and threw it in the tree and got that stuck.  Next they got a hockey stick stuck in the tree.  Finally Kenny threw something and got the ball out of the tree along with the broom handle out of the tree.  The only slight problem was they came within 3 inches of almost hitting Alex in the head when they fell.  But they were both laughing.

They both came in and Kenny got ice for his hand.  I find out Ken's first idea was to climb the tree to get the ball out but he cut open his hand a bit trying to climb it.  He sat down for a few minutes and relaxed but somehow it turned into Allysa and Kenny wrestling.  Kenny decided to try to hit Allysa with the ice (out of fun and not anger) so Allysa decided to take a spatula and hit Kenny with it.  They let go of their "weapons" and pulled on each others ears.  They finally called a truce and let go.  But they were still laughing and nobody was hurt so I was not about to get upset about this. 

A bit later we were about to sit down for dinner, we had leftovers so everyone individually warmed up there plate.  Allysa did hers first and sat down to have some soda and soup.  Someone said something and Allysa started laughing so hard that soda came out of her mouth and nose.  She then commented that she almost peed her pants from laughing so hard.  I looked at her pants and she was actually wearing my pants. 

After dinner we decided to decorate the tree.  I wanted to do it together as a family when everyone was in a good mood.  It took from Sunday all the way til Wednesday to make that happen.  I hung the lights on the tree by myself but let the kids put on the ornaments.  Allysa has never decorated a tree before.  Her mom always did it to make it look just right.  I love to see my kids decorate it and enjoy the time together.  Our tree does not look perfect, it will not be put in a store display but the kids had so much fun decorating it.  Alex had 2 "baby's first Christmas" ornaments from when he was born.  He took one and gave it to Allysa to mark us having a first Christmas with her.  I marked Allysa's name on it too.  Allysa took a bunch of ornaments and put them right together on the tree.  She said this is for all of the adoptees that haven't found their families yet, we need to stick together.

I love perfect days like this...Merry Christmas.

Wild Ride weekend

It has been quite a wild ride this weekend.  My emotions were a little erratic.  Friday Cassie had her orchestra performance and it was the first big one Allysa was able to see.  I had seen Iadoptees post on Thursday but discussed it with Allysa before I put it on my facebook wall.  Anything to do with adoption I discuss with Allysa before I put it on my wall.  I don't want it to bother her so I just get her approval first.  I do not have separate facebook accounts for the different parts of my life.  My things are out there for everyone to see.  My facebook has family, friends, adoption community, and even a few fb gamers (yes I am one of those dorks). 

About 15 minutes after I put up Iadoptees post I saw that a facebook friend had put it up on her wall.  I had no idea this person was attached to adoption in anyway.  She had wrote that she is an adoptee.  A short time later she had a comment on the link by a member of her adoptive family.   I was so hurt and sad for her.  She tried to speak out and she was shut down.  We in the adoption blog world are used to being attacked and dismissed but most people are not used to it.    My heart broke for her.  I wanted to go write to this family member of hers and tell them how it feels to lose part of your family through adoption but I stayed quiet.  This was not my battle to fight and I was not adopted so I can not say how that feels like. 

I let it go and enjoyed Cassie's performance.  It was so nice to have Allysa sit by me and enjoy this with her.  Cassie loved having her (almost) whole family there to watch her.  This is what she has always wanted to have.  She calls it her real family, having ALL of her siblings together. 

Saturday morning I woke up at 5:30am with a migraine.  Not a good way to start off a busy day.  This is the second Saturday in a row to start off that way.  I was able to get it under control by noon and went over to my sister's house and we did our annual baking together. It was so nice to be with part of the family and just hang out.  No pressure or anything just hang out and bake for a bit while we caught up with each other's lives.  Allysa hung out with her cousins that were around.  I watched her for a few minutes sitting on the ground by the Christmas tree with a box of Lego's dumped on the ground while she held her 6 year old cousin and played with him.  It looked like a picture perfect Christmas.  I went upstairs for a few minutes and let my tears come, how I wished Allysa could enjoy the same moments with her son.  She was so tender with him and in the moment.  It looked like it was just the two of them and the world stopped around them.  Why in normal families get togethers are the older aunts, uncles, and cousins allowed to be alone in a room with the younger children so they can build there relationships, but in adoption us mothers who have given the ultimate "gift" (yuck) are deemed unworthy to even have a 30 minutes alone in the same room with our own children.  Rebecca this is not directed at you at all.  All adoptive parents should take your direction and lead.  You are what every adoptive parent should try to emulate. 

By that night I was going to a Christmas party at a friends house.  I was really looking forward to dressing up and seeing some really amazing friends.  I have been hanging out with a group of about 5 couples for 2+ years now.  They are all good solid people.  Most of us have been married 18 to 22 years.  Some have kids and some do not.  The environment is always relaxing, I think we are all pretty liberal and come from many very different religions.  We can always talk, relax, and just enjoy each other's company.  Everyone knows I have 4 kids but most of them don't know I placed Allysa, our reunion, and all of our drama.  They just know I have 4 kids and 1 grandson. 

I started talking to one of the husbands in the group and he asked about my religion. I told him I grew up Mormon but left the church about a year and a half ago.  Of course he asked why.  I joked well how much time do you have this is a long story.  This is my usual way of answering the question.  Most people don't probe any farther but we have built up a good relationship and see each other a lot.  So he said I have hours and I would love to hear about it.  I told him about losing Allysa

The next day we didn't do a whole lot.  We slowly worked on chores and got a Christmas tree.  Allysa and her fiancee made a really good cauliflower and potato soup for dinner.  She has turned into such an amazing cook.  Believe me it is not easy to cook vegan and soy free without food always tasting disgustingly healthy, she has learned to make food taste delicious.  That evening we got bundled up, each of us had either a thermos of coffee or hot cocoa.  I also brought a purse full of candy canes.  We headed down town to Christmas in the Park.  This is 2 acres of a park turned into Christmas land.  There are over 200 different Christmas trees decorated from all kinds of organizations. There are also about 40 to 50 different Christmas scenes set up with animated figures.  We try to go every few years and I wanted to show Allysa.  I want her to see some of our family traditions.  We spent almost 2 hours in downtown walking around, talking, and watching everything.  I thought to myself the only thing that would make this more complete is a light snow falling (and Owen).  Within 5 minutes we passed under a bubble machine that made it look like snow was falling.  It was magical.  Allysa decided to catch the snow with her tongue, she then realized it was bubbles and not snow.  Bubbles do not taste as good as snow. 

We came home and wanted to watch the movie Elf but it was too late on a school night.  Cassie got bent out of shape over that.  Of course it then turned into a little argument but overall a really good day. 

Dec 6 birthdays

Today is my oldest nieces birthday, she turned 24 December 6.  I know my sister had a very difficult time when she had Cheri.  Shana was just 16 years old and still going to high school.  She did end up graduating with all A's and B's.  She married Cheri's dad and had 2 more children.  She ended up being a single mom with 3 kids by the time she was 25 years old.  She always worked, and worked very hard.  As the years went by it was rare that she even got child support, she was the sole provider of her children.  She did remarry when her youngest was about 6 and Cheri was about 12.  She didn't always know how she would pay for everything but she made it work.  Did she struggle? Yes she did.  Was she a good mom? Absolutely.  Would my niece have been better off if she was adopted?  I truly don't think so. 

My sister did fight to keep her daughter.  She fought my mom, her doctor, members of her church.  She had to prove to everyone wrong about their ideas of single young mothers.  We talked about this a few years ago, she told me she would not have lived if she would have placed Cheri.  That is the one thing that would have broke her.  It is not selfish or unloving to parent your children even as a single mom.  Cheri, I am so glad your mom made the decision she did.  I'm glad you are my niece and I have been able to watch you grow up.

And to the other birthday today.  It is my nephew John Robert, he was born Dec 6, 1995.  He is my brother's child.  I have not seen him since he was a few days old.  My brother was about 16 and so was his girlfriend.  This was the only child that either of them had.  He was placed for adoption.  I do not know all the details of why or how everyone feels about it.  It is a subject we don't talk about. I did talk to John's mother about a year and a half ago.  Her life has been a bit chaotic since she placed and she feels it was the best for him to be placed.  How John feels, I do not know.  I don't even know what his name was changed to.  My brother and I do not discuss this at all.   I do think of him and wonder what he is like.  I wonder if he looks more like my family or his moms family.  Is he tall and thin like his dad.  Does he play music?  I hope he is okay. I hope he hasn't struggled, I hope he is happy and knows he is loved.  I wonder if he wants contact with us?  I do want to meet him.  I do want to look into his eyes.  I was there when he was born and I would have loved to watch him grow up.

I do not know what city or state he is in but I wonder if I have seen him passing by.  He is 8 months older than my Kenny.  I wonder how they would get along if they have similar interest.  We live in a city of about a million people, do my sons and John have friends in common?  John if you ever happen upon this post I would love contact with you.  I"m sorry we didn't fight harder to keep you in the family.  I do love you and think of you often. 

Dirty Little Secret

I just read 2 good blogs with comments.  The first is FMF and the second is Living Life.   Go read them and then come back.   This might take a while.  Of course both of these are written by mothers and not adoptees.  Adoptees have made some very good comments so we can understand it from their perspective too.  One adoptee blogged about this too at what the hell am I supposed to call this.

About a year ago my daughter and I were talking about what it is like to be adopted.  How she feels about it, what her perspective is.  She had said no one would choose to be pulled between two families for eternity.  Belonging to both families but neither family at the same time.  She is quite wise for her 19 years, if I do say so myself.

I had thought recently how nice it would be if we could all get together for the holidays.  Not nice as in wow you are amazing let's be one happy family but nice as in it would be good for our daughter to not feel pulled between both families.  We share one grandchild, and hopefully we will share more grand kids in the future.  We will be attending our daughter's wedding in June so it would be best to learn to get along and maybe even like each other. It would be nice for her not to feel torn between us.  My daughter has never had to keep her parents as a DLS from me.  I have tried to encourage her to keep the communication lines opened.  They will always be her parents.  I know she will always love them.  I know sometimes she has had to keep me as a DLS, she can't always tell them about our interactions (before she moved in).  They seemed to feel betrayed because we have a relationship.  I have came to their door to pick up Allysa and they have refused to come to the door because they knew I was there.  Yes that hurt, who wouldn't be hurt by that but that is what they have to deal with.  I can't put Allysa in the middle of our feelings we were the adults and made a decision about her life, her adoption.  We as her parents have to deal with the aftermath (and to me that includes dealing with each other).

A couple months ago I was out Ken's Boy Scout Court of Honor.  This is the the meeting that happens every 3 months that parents, family members, and friends are invited to.  The boys receive their merit badges and new ranks.  A fellow parent came up to me and introduced herself to Allysa.  This parent said something along the lines of "You must be Jeannette's daughter, it is so nice to finally meet you."  I could tell Allysa was happy.  She realized that she wasn't a DLS of mine.  She was loved and wanted and she realized I wasn't ashamed of her.  My friends and acquaintances knew about her even if Allysa had never met them. 

If you are a mother who surrendered please don't allow your child to be a DLS.  I know it is hard to come out of our closet.  We don't want everyone to know about our decision to surrender.  I know how hard it is and the judgement that you feel from others.  But it is worth it for your relationship with your child.  No one wants to be a DLS.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was amazing.  For the first time ever I had all of my kids together.  It was L-O-U-D and they were rambunctious, there was laughter and even a little bit of arguing.  But I had all of my kids.  I missed Owen incredibly though.  Our little family will not be complete without him.  He is so loved and he will always be part of our family even though he isn't with us.  I wonder how Allysa's other parents are dealing without having her with them for the holidays?  I know what it is like not to have one of your children with you.  To celebrate holidays as a family but have your loved one missing, it does hurt.  I'm sure they are feeling what I have felt over the last 19 years.

One really cool thing happened on Thanksgiving.  Jer's grandmother was handing out Christmas cards with money in them.  She was giving them out to each of her grand kids and great grand kids.  She had a card for Allysa too.  My eyes watered up, I held in my joy and my tears.  Allysa was accepted without question by Jer's grandma.  When I was pregnant with her I was told how no man would ever accept her, no family would want me and my daughter to marry into their family.  Jer's family has shown me other wise.  His grandma is 80myears old and hard core Catholic but she accepts my daughter without question.

I think it is much easier to accept a toddler than a 19 year old daughter that has returned to her natural family.  My husband's family has accepted her.  They love her. The one thing that I was told would not ever be possible has happened.  You know what?  They would have accepted me with my one year old daughter 18 years ago as much as they accept us now.

Oh how I wish I could go back to my 16 year old self and tell her what I know now.  Do not believe the industries lies.  They are there to make a profit.  You can raise your child, you will find the man of your dreams in just over a year.  He will accept and love both of you.  His family will love the both of you too.  You can raise this beautiful baby just as well as a married older couple can.  Oh my 16 year old self I wish you knew what I know now.

To my kids

Sunday was a really bad, horrible, awful parenting day.  My emotions were out of wrack and I handled every situation with my kids badly horribly.  Usually I try my best, sometimes (or a lot of times) I mess up.  Sunday I just didn't care.  I wanted things to go exactly how I wanted them.  I didn't want to deal with anyone elses emotions, wants, or needs.  I just totally was out of line.  I did yell, I am a very confrontational person I do not keep things inside when I am upset.  If I am upset with you and I keep it inside it is because you are not worth my effort to get upset with.  You are not worth my time.

I have waited 19 years years to parent all of my children and I just screw it up, not just a little bit but majorly.  I got everyone pissed off and angry with me.  Everyone but my husband, he has a way to love me through my bad days.  I forget I have to be so careful with Allysa, I didn't parent her, things set her off differently than the other kids.  Allysa does not confront when she is upset she puts her walls up and is ready to run.  She did not leave but I know she was so close to she wanted to just leave me and never return.  If she did I wouldn't blame her either.

There have been so many changes so fast that I just exploded over small things.  Part of the problem (my issue) is Allysa getting married.  I am happy and excited for her but I feel like I am losing my little girl, my baby all over again.  What if she doesn't want me anymore?  These are my problems, my emotions not hers.  She has done nothing to make me think she doesn't want me in her life but it is my biggest fear.  Letting go again and preparing myself for it does tear me apart. 

Saturday we found out that Owen and his parents won't make it to the wedding.  Yes, that hurt, it hurt incredibly.  It was just one more time to say "you aren't our family".  I know it wasn't meant that way but it still feels that way.  It still hurts.  I'm sure they have valid reasons but we can still hurt and feel sad.  Just like if Allysa had decided to parent they would have been sad and be hurt over that and they would feel pain. 

I don't think Allysa has fully forgiven me for getting so upset on Sunday.  I am sure she feels resentment and pain towards me.  Allysa if you read this please know that I love you so much.  I'm sorry for failing you, I'm sorry for failing your siblings too.  I will try harder.  I know I am the farthest thing from perfect but I do love each of you incredibly much. 

Love Always,
Mama

2 great posts

I was navigating adoptoland on the internet today.  I found 2 really great posts.   I admit it I love to read what adoptees have to say about adoption.  For me to understnd my daughter and grandson I have to understand adoption from their viewpoint.  I have to go out of my comfort zone and my pain to look at how adoption has affected them.  How adopion has hurt hem and caused them pain.  I truly think all adoptions on some level are rooted in pain.  I don't care if you are "the good happy adoptee"  to get to be adopted you had no rights and your parents abandoned you.  That is the ugly truth. 

The first post by Iadoptee I do not have permission to link.  I tried to ask her permission but for some reason blogger is acting up.  I hope I don't upset anyone by linking to her. iAdoptee

The other adoptee is Joy.  I love her writing and how she is so protective of the next generation of adoptees.  She doesn't apolagize for it at all, she has gusto and confidence.

Fast Forward

Yesterdays post basically covered one year of our reunion. I left off at September 2010.  In December 2010 Allysa went to Hawaii with her boyfriend and 2 days after they got back he broke up with her.  She called me upset and crying.  They had been together close to a year.  I was sad for her that her heart was broken but I was not upset that they broke up, honestly.  I couldn't tell her that at the time but I thought it was a very good thing for her emotionally.  Since then she has dated a lot. There has been a couple special guys but there also has just been a lot of dating men and she has figured out what she won't accept and what she does want out of a relationship. 

In January 2011 we met her boyfriend Ian and got to spend a weekend with them in Tahoe.  In February Allysa turned 19 that week her ex-boyfriend started stalking her again and Owen's adoption was finalized.  In March I got to see Owen again at the celebration of his forever family.  I do not know how people celebrate tearing apart families.  To me that is incomprehensible.  I do not care if you adopted through foster care, internationally, or wet from the womb infant adoption.  You are still celebrating with family and friends that your child was in a position to lose their first family. 

Last May Allysa moved in with us.  Her relationship with her parents seem to be improving slowly. I know Allysa makes a lot of effort on her part to keep in contact with them.   My house is louder now, there is more laughing, playing, and some days fighting.  I do not know any siblings that are as close in age as my kids are that do not fight.  They also have each other's backs.  No one is allowed to hurt one of my kids or the others will make amends.  They will not physically fight but they will stand up for each other.  And they are absolutely funny together.  They have a way to crack each other up, sometimes it seems there is a special bond between these 4 kids.

I thought I had a job lined up for Allysa when she moved out here but it was postponed.  She searched months and months for a decent job that was full time.  She has ended up working 3 part time jobs.  They all fell into her lap at the in September and October.

Allysa recently (about 6 weeks ago) starting dating a guy.  They have fallen head over heels and are  in a whirlwind romance.  He comes from a good family, his parents are still married and seem happy. He also has  an education (yes that is a big deal).  Allysa usually falls for what I call "the lost puppy".  These guys have some potential if they weren't doing A(drugs),B(gangs), or C(lazy).  They usually have lost one parent or had very bad parenting.  The family dimensions that these men have came from are really messed up to say the least.  Allysa seems to always be the one to try to fix these men. 

And now to make sure we do not have a dull moment ever, Allysa and this new guy decided they want to get married in June 2012. Allysa has picked out her wedding dress, her colors, and decided to get married in Tahoe but have 2 receptions.  One in Utah with her adoptive family, and one in my hometown with my family and friends.  I'm sure I will be at both receptions.  Allysa's adoptive parents, my husband and I, and Allysa are paying for the wedding.  And the best news ever is that Owen gets to be the ring bearer.  His parents have already agreed to it.

Fast Forward

It is coming up on my 18th wedding anniversary in about a week and a half.  How have I been married that long?  How is it possible?  Today November 15, 2009 was my first contact with Allysa via facebook. 

In the last 2 years everything has changed.  We have grown so close.  We have endured more than I ever thought possible. Allysa has grown and changed so fast too.  I want to slow down.  I want to be able to enjoy these moments.

December 20th, 2009 I found out Allysa was pregnant (barely a month after our first real contact).  I worried, and celebrated this with her.  I encouraged and loved her.  we started to build our relationship.  We talked on the phone for the first time in January 2010.  Allysa's mom did not want us to talk on the phone so we waited a few months after the initial facebook contact.  It took me 18 years to truly hear my daughter's voice. 

February 2010 we met in  person.  I was able to spend days with my daughter.  It was more amazing than I could imagine.  I finally had all of my children together.  We were in the same room!!!  They got along great.  Everyone was on their best behavior too!

By this point Allysa had told me that she was going to LDSFS to make a decision.  How she went from I will never place my child, I know the damage it does to making an adoption plan in a few short months made my head spin.  Her decision had a lot to do with the parents that I chose for her. 

In April I saw Allysa one more time.  Her boyfriend and her were in Southern California.  They were supposed to come to Northern California for a week but they ended up spending about 18 hours here instead.  This boyfriend was all about manipulation and being cruel.  I could write a separate blog just about him.  Allysa was head over heels for him, after all he would accept her in her condition, he wouldn't raise this baby, but he would accept her being pregnant.  He ended up being mentally abusive to her.  All of the signs were there and this relationship terrified me. 

By May 2010 she had chosen parents for her son.  It is sad how easily mother's are manipulated.  How we are asked to "just look at a few profiles", then asked to compare what we can give compared to any of these couples.  How we are not given the knowledge how to raise our child.  How we might be told about welfare, but only how bad it is.  How we will stand in line at soup kitchens if we raise our child.  How we are never asked to look outside of ourselves even to the father and his family.  Owen's grandfather (dad's father)is senior vice president in Canada to one of the largest food companies in Canada.  Yet it was never looked into if they would be able to keep Owen in the family.  Owens paternal grandparents didn't even have any knowledge of Owen until about 2 weeks before he was born.  Owen is also their first grandchild.  It was never encouraged to look for help from the father, not when a married couple could raise this child.

May 2010 my sister and I saw Allysa graduate high school.  We were asked through Allysa not to sit by Allysa's parents.  They didn't want to see us at all.  Owens PAPs were there also and were welcomed to sit by Allysa's parents but not me, I'm a home wrecker.  I had wanted Allysa to have her graduation dinner with her parents.  I thought they deserved that right.  I thought they should celebrate this with her.  Instead they decided to not have a family dinner to celebrate.  I knew Allysa was disappointed.  She wanted to have a dinner with them.  I decided since they did not have plans and would not celebrate I was going to take Allysa out to sushi.  We had dinner with my sister, me, Allysa, and Allysa's boyfriend.  Allysa handled her disappointment very well.  She also found out that day that she was to cover up her pregnancy from her grandparents and she had been expected to wear her graduation robe anytime her grandparents were around the day that she graduated.  Nothing like making your child feel more ashamed of herself. 

At the end of June I came out to Utah for a family reunion and we were able to spend some time together.  While I was in Utah Allysa started showing a few signs that she might start in preterm labor.  I tried to warn her but there was no one close to her who had kids that could sit down and teach her about pregnancy.  She was so closed off, at this point her life consisted of her boyfriend, PAPS, her parents, and working. 

Mid July Allysa went into early labor and started dilating.  She was in labor for at least 6 hours before she went into the hospital.  They were able to stop her and put her on bed rest plus give her some steroids to help Owen's lungs develop. 

July 28th they induced Allysathem when she was hurting and confused.  She talked to them about how she was raised.

It was just a few weeks after Owen was born that I started blogging.  I needed a way to not let go, to not literally just die.  I needed to figure out this glory of adoption.  I needed to understand better how to survive this the second time around.  I couldn't unknow my truth, I couldn't return to the fog.  I couldn't go back to LDSFS for their counseling again.  I couldn't sit on anymore boards promoting adoption (I did that after Allysa was born, I was the perfect beemommie).  I needed to write and get out my emotions.  I needed to know that there were others like me.

This post is getting extremely long, I will continue it in a second post.

Just thinking

This morning I went in and looked in the girls room.  They both love to sleep in and are pretty grumpy when you wake them up.  I just let them sleep as long as I can on weekends.  I quietly opened their door and just watched them sleep.  Such peace comes into my heart to watch these 2 sisters.  They think it is creepy that I watch them sleep but I can't help myself.  They look so peaceful, like 2 beautiful angels. 

My boys are early risers and are up usually by 6am and in the family room playing video games.  This is their quiet time just to do nothing.  I try to keep the house quiet until about 10am on weekends.  None of us are happy when the girls get woken up too early.  It takes a while for them to be able to communicate easily after they wake up.

I almost missed this.  It has taken 19 years to have my kids together.  Will it be another 19 years before we have Owen with us too?  Will his heart turn to his mother's like Allysa's has?  Will he feel the tug of his family?  Will he want his heritage, his ancestors, his family? I wish I could have a glimpse into the future.

Family pictures and the craziness

Saturday my mother-in-law wanted family pictures taken professionally.  She had planned this about 2 weeks in advance.  My brother-in-law and his girlfriend were coming up from Southern California for the weekend.  We haven't had pictures taken s a family in 5 years.  The kids have grown and changed plus Allysa and E(brother-in-law's girlfriend) were not in the last pictures.  It was time for new pictures.  We only had to coordinate 14 people's schedules.

Last Thursday night my mother-in-law hadn't been able to get a hold of the photographer she wanted to use.  I went to the mall and made an appointment at the photo studio.  I made the appointment for 7pm.  Allysa was working all day from 9am to 4pm.  I knew the very earliest she could be home, showered,  and ready for pictures was 6pm.  I told my mother-in-law about Allysa's schedule and the time she would be available.

Friday M (my mother-in-law) finally gets a hold of her photographer.  The photographer is available only at 4:30 and 5:30.  Obviously that wouldn't work.  I tried to tell M that it wouldn't work, Jer tried talking to her.  The response we got was well Allysa can just hurry.  Since she has been working for 7 hours she should already look good for pictures.  I'm frustrated as hell.  I got to tell Allysa about the time change.  She is not close to happy.  She told me to take the pictures without her (Damn she is so much like her mom).  I refuse to have family pictures without her.  After 19 years of never having family pictures with all of my children I was not about to let this happen again. 

I go back and try to explain to M and she very nicely (because she really is sweet) just says well we can take them at 5:45, I'm sure Allysa can be available by then.  I felt like I was hitting my head against a brick wall.  Was anybody listening?  6pm is the very earliest Allysa would be available, not 5:30 or 5:45.


M also decided that everyone should wear white shirts.  White stains easy, we do not own many white items of clothing.  Saturday about noon we went shopping because Cassie had absolutely no white shirts.  By this time Allysa and I had text back and forth and she had no idea how she was going to get there 15 minutes earlier Let alone 30 minutes earlier than she expected.   I was stuck in the middle between my daughter and M. 

And in this all I found out that my brother in law and E were not informed of us having family pictures until they arrived the night before.  Of course they did not pack any white shirts.  The lack of communication was making for one long day. 

Allysa realized that the only thing she could eat at the family meal after we took pictures was beans and rice.  My in-laws planned a nice tamale dinner but Allysa couldn't eat any of it.  She was freaking out about that too.  She just wanted to be able to eat what everyone else had.  She was tired of her allergies and M cooking for everyone but her.  Tamales are great but when you sit there and smell them and know you can't eat them it really sucks.  I made a vegan tamale pie that was big enough for everyone to have and Allysa wouldn't feel totally left out. But  I didn't know about Allysa's feelings about dinner until about 5pm.  I had to quickly find a good recipe and start cooking before pictures and try not to get dirty. Did I say that I am supposed to cook this on the stove but all of the burners were being used?  Let's add one more thing onto my stress level.

The photographer shows up early!!!! Shoot me now seriously, just get me out of this chaos.  She showed up about 5:10 ready to take pictures.  We decided on the 2 locations to take pictures at the house and each family went individually and then we were to do the group shot last. 

Allysa busted ass and made it by 5:45.  She was stressed, PMS-ing, in a foul mood but she was there.  We took the pictures quickly and then did the finishing touches for tamale dinner. 

Jer's aunt shows up for dinner.  Allysa does not get a long very well with her.  Allysa is open, wild, loud, and says things before she thinks (just like her mom.)  Jer's aunt is very conservative and her feathers are easily ruffled.  Having Jer's aunt there just about put Allysa's emotions over the edge.  After the first time Allysa and this aunt met Jer got a phone call from this aunt about Allysa being inappropriate. 

Allysa, her boyfriend,  and her siblings decided to eat outside.  It was cold and dark but they decided they didn't want to deal with anyone.  By this point I was so tired and drained emotionally I couldn't eat and just went upstairs to lay down and cry.  I couldn't handle making peace with everyone.  I was tired of making excuses and to soothe every one's emotions.  I had spent 2 days trying to deal and cope with everyone and make everyone at peace.  I couldn't handle sitting down and making small talk at that moment.  It was just easier to be alone.

The next day I found out from Allysa that part of the reason she was so upset was because Owen couldn't be in the picture.  Oh how I love the blessings of adoption.  It always adds another element to our everyday life.

Was/IS adopted

4. Adoption is an event that happened in a child’s life when the child joined his or her family. Using positive adoption language, notice use of verb tense. The child “was” adopted indicates that the event is past tense and already happened. To say that a child “is” adopted implies the process is still ongoing. This is not true. We would simply say, “George was adopted.”

I know I am very slow at getting these out.  It is crazy how busy with life you get when you work full time and have 4 kids and everyone is running in different directions.  I haven't had the time and energy to devote to my little ol' blog here.

The actual adoption did happen in the past but it is not something that goes away.  My daughter and grandson are adopted out of my family.  They are currently not listed as related to me or each other.  The adoption of both of them is still on going.  The issues of adoption still affect my daughter.  As Owen grows older the issues of adoption might affect him too.  Each of them will always be adopted into their families where they were raised.

Own Child

3. Adoptive families do not refer to their own children as an adopted child, a natural child, or my own child (meaning biological or by birth). All children in families are the parent’s own children.

Overall I agree with this statement.  I know everyone is shocked, right.  I think adoption should be talked about in adoptive families very openly.  Children should understand their story and it should be talked about with them from the beginning.  Children should have adults that they can go to that they trust that they can talk to.  These adults should be someone other than their parents.  Adoptees feelings should always be acknowledged.  I just don't like the word "own" in general when referring to children.  I own my car, my house, my clothes, I just do not own my children. 

Adoption should never be portrayed as you are less than because we adopted you or you are special and chosen because we adopted you.  When you are out in public or with others it should never be pointed out this is my kid and that one we adopted.  It should simply be these are my children.

People that have only known me for the last 2 or 3 years know I have 4 kids.  I do not go into detail.  I do not say but I gave up my oldest daughter.  I have 4 kids, period, the end, no explanation necessary.  People that have known me for 15 years (especially people I am not close with) only knew that I had 3 kids and now they know about Allysa and our story. 

A few weeks ago I was in mixed company.  I was at my husband's work picnic.  He works for his families business.  I was there sitting and talking with my husband's aunts and a few of my husbands coworkers and their spouses.  Of course my husband's aunts know about both Allysa and Owen.  I was not ready to go in the long explanation of our story with relative strangers/my husband's coworkers.  This one person asked, "How many kids do you have?"  At first I was slightly uncomfortable because of the aunts being there and knowing I had 4 kids but only raised 3 of them.  Would they be upset with me for not being completely honest?  For not acknowledging Allysa's other parents?  Allysa wasn't around so I didn't have to acknowledge her, she would never find out what I had told these people.  But in my soul I can't NOT acknowledge all 4 of my children.  I just said I have 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls, and then their ages. 

I think it should always be up to the child/adoptee to be the one to initialize the conversation with people about their adoption. We as parents do not need to put there adoption status out there for the world to know.  We need to protect our children from the ugliness of the world.  The judgement of people about adopted children.

Natural/biological/birth

We often hear biological parents of children referred to as the “natural” parents. This negatively implies that there is something unnatural about being an adoptive parent. Biological parents should simply be referred to as biological parents.

Personally I don't like to use any thing to distinguish me as mom.  I only use natural or adoptive on my blog to distinguish between the two sets of parents.  I can not fathom how natural=unnatural and birth mother does not equal death mother. 

In our society we allow each culture and race to be called as they wish.  It is only in adoption that we as mothers that gave up our children are told by others with the power (adoptive parents and agencies) what we should be called.  What is respectful to them.  What about us?  What about what we want to be called.  I can not stand to see the word "BM".  When you write down those 2 letters are you referring to bowel movement or to a person?

WRA - my thoughts

My daughter was sent to West Ridge Academy.  Was she rebellious?  Absolutely.  Was she anymore rebellious than either me or my siblings? Not really.  What was the problem then?  She was raised by parents that were/are not wired the same way as she is.  They think differently, act differently, and come to different conclusions on life.  She was always less than (or at least she felt) in their eyes.  There are numerous occasions where things were done for her sister (also adopted into the family) but not for her.  Her sister would go to the doctors if she was not feeling very well but Allysa would hurt hr knee horribly to the point she couldn't walk for days and wasn't taken to the doctor for months.  By the time she went to the doctor the damage was done and can't be reversed.  She still has problems with her knee because of the lack of immediate care. 

Emotionally Allysa wasn't really cared for either.  Having all of those things piled up and being adopted made for a train wreck.  Allysa's parents took her to counseling but only went to counselors who would agree with them.  When there was a counselor who disagreed with them and stood up for Allysa they stopped going.  Parenting is about their needs and their wants.  They expected their (adopted) child to be just like them including their heritage.  When Allysa wasn't calm or mellow enough they would put her on prescription drugs for ADD.  She does not have ADD she just has lots of energy just like her siblings, her mom, her cousins, her aunts, and uncles.

When they could not deal with her any longer they found a reform school that could.  Of course they have a beautiful website.  Are they really going to say we will break your child emotionally and spiritually?  Are they going to say we will do things to your children that you could be called on by CPS?   After all you are paying $40K to put your child in the school you hope it will help.  And it is in Utah ran by people that are LDS, it must be great.  Have you noticed that most reform schools are in Utah/Arizona/Nevada?  Places that have a lot of land and are harder for people to escape from? 

I have hiked with my children a lot.  I always tell them how far we are going, where we are staring and ending, and how much food and water to bring.  I would never just say we are hiking now, let's go.  As humans we need to know if we are going on a 1 mile hike or 25 mile hike.  We need to know how long to expect to be gone.  And will the one canteen of water really be enough.  At WRA they are not always told any of the basic information when they go for a hike.  It has only been recently that Allysa could even start to just enjoy hiking.

As a parent I want/need to know where are my children, who are they with, and how are they doing at all times.  To leave my child for anywhere for 2 weeks to 3 months without contact would be insane.  My raised children I have never even left with a babysitter that was not family.  The longest I have ever been away from them is 3 days.

My daughter has told me stories of how if you are deemed as misbehaving you can be pushed down to the ground by adults.  You will come up with scratched hands, knees, and bloody noses. as a parent am I allowed to do that to my children?  No, I could have CPS called on me if my husband and I took any of our children and pushed them to the ground hard enough to cause bleeding.

You also have other teenagers that will try to cause trouble with you because they don't like you.  Think of high school 24-7 with all drama and no breaks for months on end.  From what I could tell about this reform school kids learn to lie better and cover up their feelings.  It does not heal them. It does make it so parents have 1 to 2 years off of raising their teenage child. 

I have also seen that a lot of adoptees are put into this school.  Many become pregnant while they are not married within 2 years of graduating from WRA.  A lot of these same teenagers/now mothers "make an adoption plan". 

Knowing these things, is this the loving school that is advertised?  Would you put your child at a reform school?  Most importantly would you want to be sent to one of these schools?

Adoptive parents=Real Parents

Positive Adoption Language #1. The adoptive parents are the “real” parents. The real parents are the grown-ups who will take care of the child every day and for the rest of their lives. When referring to who gave birth to the child, simply say birth parent or birth woman. A biological father is not referred to as the real father, but the biological one

I am assuming that positive adoption language is used to build up one side and tear apart the other.  PAL is used for the the parents that purchase the child, the agencies real customers. 

Real parents huh?  Here I was thinking that adoptees had 4 very real parents.  Are any of them imaginary?  If they are living breathing humans than they are very real.  My daughter has 5 very real parents.  The two that raised her, the two that created her, and the one that loves her because she is my daughter, part of our family, and a beautiful person.  (Jeremy if you are reading this that is about you).

Adoptive parents take care of their children for the rest of their lives.  It is nice to know that adoptees never grow up and continue to be taken care of. does that include diapering and bottle feeding until they die? 

My daughter's adoptive parents gave guardianship of her to a West Ridge Academy when she was about 15 years old.  They gave up the parenting responsibilities. I wonder should the caregivers at WRA be considered parents also?  If a child is raised with nannies and care givers than those people should be considered real parents also.

Positive Adoption Language

I just wanted to dissect the PAL that I found here

Before I get into each section I wanted everyone to see it.  My next few posts will be about PAL.  After reading this it leaves me wondering who the positive adoption language is for?

"Words are very powerful. Positive adoption language aims to end the negative stereotypes and misconceptions regarding adoption, while educating others that all families look different and form in different ways. Here are some keys to positive adoption language.

1. The adoptive parents are the “real” parents. The real parents are the grown-ups who will take care of the child every day and for the rest of their lives. When referring to who gave birth to the child, simply say birth parent or birth woman. A biological father is not referred to as the real father, but the biological one.

2. We often hear biological parents of children referred to as the “natural” parents. This negatively implies that there is something unnatural about being an adoptive parent. Biological parents should simply be referred to as biological parents.

3. Adoptive families do not refer to their own children as an adopted child, a natural child, or my own child (meaning biological or by birth). All children in families are the parent’s own children.

4. Adoption is an event that happened in a child’s life when the child joined his or her family. Using positive adoption language, notice use of verb tense. The child “was” adopted indicates that the event is past tense and already happened. To say that a child “is” adopted implies the process is still ongoing. This is not true. We would simply say, “George was adopted.”

5. When speaking about adoption, it is important to note that birth parents make an adoption plan to place the child in a home to be cared for and raised. The child who was adopted was not “given away” or “unwanted.” The child should know he or she is loved and an adoption plan was created for them to live in a forever family.

6. Children born to unmarried parents are simply referred to as that. Using positive adoption language, the child is would never be referred to as “illegitimate.” Every human being is a true miracle and has a legitimate place on the Earth.

7. Children who were adopted and later seek out their biological parents should not be referred to as “trying to track down their real parents.” The child is “searching” for biological parents. If they meet, it is not a “reunion,” but instead referred to as “making contact.”

8. A child adopted from another country is not a “foreign” child. The word foreign implies that it does not belong. Instead, the child is from abroad.

9. Using positive adoption language, we would never refer to a child as “adopted,” just as we would never say an “IVF” baby, a failed contraception baby, or a c-section baby.

10. Adoption is a private matter between a child and his or her family. All families form in different ways, are all equally beautiful, and should be respected as such."

I spoke too soon

I received a phone call this afternoon from LDSFS.  They had a copy of Allysa's OBC and her adoption decree in her adoption file.  Since Allysa already knows who I am they just sent over the file by email.  We now have a copy of her OBC!!!! We do not have to go to court or do anything else.  I guess it helps to be the squeaky wheel.

my beloved agency....

About a month ago Allysa and I went to LDSFS.  We are trying to get her adoption file opened and see if they are able to also help to get her OBC.  I hadn't heard back so last Thursday I called.  I was told the person (the SW) I needed to talk to wouldn't be in until Monday morning.  I didn't hear back on Monday, so I called yesterday around 4.   The person still was not there.  I finally received a call back this morning.  She has been trying to get a hold of the adoption lawyer but has heard nothing.  Basically how it was explained is the agency can not pull it's own files from Salt Lake City.  They have to have a lawyer request it.  But the lawyer is on retainer through the agency.  Are you still following me?  A lawyer that is not on payroll but retained has to ask for the paperwork from the agency's headquarters.

Basically after a month we are still at square one with the agency.  I remember when I was pregnant if I had a question or concern I would get a call back immediately.  But now that it has been 19 years since I placed, and they have received money from 2 families that adopted my descendants, I'm put on the back burner. It makes me feel so warm and loved all over....blah.(I don't think I could feel more used).  At least I know now that they were really after, a new born infant.  Now that Allysa is an adult and we are asking questions and wanting documents we are less than.  We are not important as a woman experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, we are the aftermath.

I almost missed this

First of all I am so grateful for the connection Allysa and I have.  I do not know how to explain why I was lucky enough to be in a good no make that a great reunion.  I do not know why we were both ready to meet at the same time.  I do not know why adoption didn't totally break both of us.  I do know I am so lucky and grateful for what we do have.  I am glad to be known as mom, not bmom, not nmom, just mom. 

Yesterday was just an easy day.  We all worked on cleaning the house.  I made some freakin good egg rolls for dinner.  They were chicken and avocado eggrolls with a southwest twist.  Everyone was so happy and then we played the game apples to apples.  It was just silly and fun. 

When Cassie should have been going to bed her and Allysa decided to turn on some music and have a dance party.  I ddin't have the heart to tell them to turn it off and stop dancing.  Instead I just watched my two daughters. I could see the love they had for each other.  I could see how quickly they have bonded.  I could see both Cassie's and Allysa's wounds slowly healing from the loss that was their childhood.  The loss of not having each other as they gre up.

As I watched my two daughters being silly all I could think was how I came so close to missing this.  We might have missed out on years together but we have the present and the future. We will still fight for adoption reform but we have each other as we do it.  We will fight together to get Allysa's OBC.  I would fiight for these things without my daughter's help but it is so nice to do it together.  To be beside each other.  I love to watch her being silly.  I love to be able to calm her fears.  I'm grateful for each moment we have together.

Families and Acceptance

Last week my mother-in-law took Allysa out shopping and to dinner.  My mother-in-law has known about Allysa since my husband and I got married.  I never kept Allysa a secret from her.  We never talked about it a lot but it did come up occasionally.  My younger kids brought up Allysa to their grandma more than I did.  Allysa is not my mother-in-laws biological grand daughter but is now counted in the fold. 

About 2 weeks ago Allysa and my mother-in-law  starting to a make a date to go to dinner and shopping.  Allysa was really excited, she had never done anything like this with any grandparent.  My mother-in-law wanted to get to know Allysa better, plus she always takes the grand kids individually to do things. 

Their date, last Thursday, went better than expected.  They had dinner and shopped for several hours.  My mother-in-law and Allysa both love to shop.  Allysa came home with  new coat (she hasn't had one that fit her for several years) and a new pair of jeans.  Allysa got something even more special than those 2 gifts.  Allysa is starting to know what it is like to be accepted and loved fully by a grandmother.  She is starting to understand what family really means and what it means to be loved in spite of your faults and imperfection.

My mother-in-law has drank the kool-aid.  She has told me many times that as long as a child is loved it doesn't matter who raises them.  She has even said that the only adoptees that really want to search are the ones that had a bad child hood.  She has said that most b$rth moms aren't like me, they are really messed up, they are into drugs and are abusive.  For her to have those view points about adoption but still love Allysa is a big deal to me.  She still accepts Allysa as my daughter.  She is accepting Allysa as part of her family, her grand daughter.  For me that means a lot.  Our views might be polar opposite when it comes to adoption but we both love  all 4 of my children and my husband intensely. 

In a way I do understand her point of view.  She was raised by her parents that took in foster children in the 1960's.   She saw the worst of the cases at a very young age.  For her all adoptions and her foster care situation is one in the same.  She has seen first hand the results of kids being severally abused.  She also has a niece and a nephew (through marriage) that was adopted into her family.  In my mother-in-laws family they have a lot of kinship adoptions too.  If a family member does not want to or can't raise a child then the child/ren goes to a family member to be raised.  Those have been her experiences with adoption.  My experience with adoption is very different.

I'm not a saint I'm not a whore

Last night my husband and I went to his alumni reunion.  At his elementary/Jr high school (K - 8) they have an annual reunion for all alumni during their fall festival.  My husband went to a private Catholic school.  It was the same school, his dad, aunts, uncles, and brothers went to.  It is a very small community parish.  We go every year and even our kids seem to enjoy it.  They have live music, silent auctions, games, foods, and even carnival rides.  Last night Allysa had to work and Cassie had a school dance so it was just my husband and our sons.  As we talked to people that he knew they would ask about kids etc.  We just said we had 4 kids, their ages, and 2 boys and 2 girls.  We didn't go into details other than that.  I had my walls down.  I was not going to go into my story, it was no one's business and at a Catholic private school with devout catholics was not the place to go into our story.  I knew I would be either glorified or demonized, I'm not either I am just a person.

After about an hour my son's had gone off and rode the carnival rides, I decided to look at the silent auction stuff, and my husband continued with small talk with people he knew when he was younger.  After I spent about 20 minutes looking at the silent auction I went back to my husband.  He was talking to an older lady that was about 60 to 70 years old.  I knew that she was a mother to one of his friend.  There was live music going, a lot of people talking and it was dark out.  As I got closer and I heard a few phrases in the conversation I realized they were talking about Allysa moving in with us.  I did not want to discuss this, not here, not now, not with a complete stranger.  I wasn't prepared for this.  I was caught completely off guard, I just wanted to run.

I did something completely immature.  As I stood beside my husband and this woman put me on the spot I lightly kicked my husband in the foot.  It was my signal to him that we need to stop this conversation now.  This woman looked at me with all of her 60+ years of life experience and said what a great thing it waas to place my daughter.  That took the breath away from me.  I was pissed, hurt, ready to cry.  I looked at her in the eye and told her it was something I have regretted every singe day of my life.  I regret for myself for my daughter, for my husband, and for my other children.  She looked at me and said, well how old were you at the time and do you really think you could have raised her.  I answered back that if I wasn't convinced that I couldn't have raised her I would have raised her, there would be no adoption.  I never answered about the age thing.  It would have just played into this ladies bias.  AllI could think was I was no more prepared one year and 3 months later when I got pregnant with my second child.  I had 3 more months of education and that was it.  I went from being 16 when I got pregnant with Allysa to 18 when I got pregnant with Alex. I know the big difference I was married when Alex was born.

She continued on.  She wasn't ready to let up, our story was fascinating to her.  To me my story is not fascinating it is MY life.  A decision that I made 19 years ago I have to live with every day, my kids have to live with every day. This lady then said what an amazing thing it is that we took in this young woman and accepted her.  That OUR children accepted her.  We were being put upon a pedastol for loving my first child, for my other kids to love their sister.  Only in adoption world would we be on a pedastal for loving my first born, for accepting her, for allowing her to live with us, to help support our 19 year old child.  I'm not on a pedastal for raising my other children though.

By the time this conversation was done(It felt like hours but was only about 30 minutes)  I was ready to cry.  I wouldn't allow this woman to see it though.  I went in not expecting or preparing myself to talk about adoption.  It was the farthest thing from my mind.  When I talk about my children to people in peson I NEVER point out the differnces in the child I placed and the 3 I raised I just simply say my 4 children.  I'm very private in person about adoption.  Before I ever talk about it  I feel the person out.  How receptive are they, what is their role in adoption, how will they feel about me after I talk about this.  I never jump into a conversation about adoption head first. I would rather walk away and people not know my real story than be a saint or sinner in a person's eyes. 

Adoption is not an abstract concept in my life it is a part of my life, my children's life, and my grandson's life.  Adoption hasn't touched my life more like it has hit me with a 10 pound hammer.  I really was  not mad at my husband for talking about this, I was upset to be put on the spot by this lady.  Even my husband when the conversation was done understood better why I do not share our story with many people. 

High School Drama

This past week has been full of heartbreaks and drama for each of my kids.  I know you might be shocked but none of this had to do with adoption.  I'm sure everyone thinks I eat sleep, and breath adoption but our lives our so much fuller than that. 

Alex has been with his girlfriend for almost 2 years and she broke up with him a week ago last Saturday.  He is beyond heartbroken.  He has cried a lot and started to open up to us about everything.  The reason why Alex and his gf broke up is because she was interested in a girl.  Honestly I think the break up is good for both of them.  Neither of them have dated anyone else ever.  I would love it if they both dated other people and then if they choose to get back together in 6 months they have had experience with other relationships.  Alex's gf found out after they broke up that the girl she liked isn't interested in her.  Now she wants to get back together with Alex. I know I have no say if they are together or not.  I just have to be there to pick up the broken pieces.

A week ago last Thursday Kenny started holding a girls hand.  They had been friends that hung out in the same group and she had broken up with her boyfriend the day before.  The ex-boyfriend started threatening Ken that he would kick his @$$ the next day at school.  I got involved at this point and the next day (Friday morning) called the principal.  The boys did not fight but Ken and this girl are hanging out every day.  The ex boyfriend is extremely jealous and is getting in Kens and this girl's face all week.  Most of the group that Kenny has hung out with since the beginning of last school year is upset with him.  He has also been upset and cried over everything at school.  He is trying to deal with everything but he goes back and forth between overwhelmed, crying, and really angry.

Next was Cassie of course it has to do with boy drama.  Cassie is really pretty, blond hair and blue eyes but she is on the small side. The problem is she isn't a typical dumb blond.  She is silly and goofy.  She also can be a bit naive.  One guy liked her and wanted to ask her out but he said she was too weird.  She is the kid that doesn't always try to fit in.  She will skip down the hallway on the way to class.  At 13 she hasn't lost a lot of her little kid antics.  Her personality hasn't caught up to her looks.  I don't want her to grow up faster than she is ready but she just wants to fit in. 

And last is Allysa - her ex boyfriend has tried to contact her.  She blocked him on facebook quite a while ago.  When he started texting her and harassing her at the end of February she changed her phone number.  She has done everything in her power to cut off all contact from him.  They had been together a year and broke up last December.  So Friday night/Saturday morning he contacted her through her blog.  He just happened to break up with his current gf days before he tried to get a hold of Allysa.  Allysa freaked out.  Not only was this guy 10 years older than her (they started dating when she was 17 and he was 27), he drank all the time even had a shot of whiskey with his morning coffee, and he was very controlling of her.  He puts her in a panic attack just from her knowing he is trying to get a hold of her, literally.

All of my poor kids are on an emotional roller coaster.  But they have all been there to support and hold each other.  they have talked, cried, and laughed together.  I just wish all of these things wouldn't happen all at the same time.  Can one crisis/drama be done with completely before the next one starts?  I think we are all emotionally at our end.  This next week has to be better, right?

Nowhere Boy

My husband bought "Nowhere Boy"a few weeks ago.   I knew Allysa wanted to watch it but we had not had time to see it together.  Trying to find 2 hours where we both had the patience to watch a movie and we both had time to watch it is nearly impossible.  Allysa loves the Beetles, I could care less about them.  I grew up listening to country and 80's music.  I never cared for the Beetles at all, honestly.  My husband loves the Beetles, he was raised on that kind of music. 

I have rarely sat through a movie and not been completely restless.  This movie was so well acted and written that I had to pay attention. I actually watched it twice, I rarely watch a movie more than once.

This will be a spoiler, if you haven't seen the movie you might want to watch it first before you continue reading. 

John Lennon was raised by his aunt and uncle.  He was not formally adopted but the movie has so much to do with adoption.  As we watched the characters Allysa and I saw ourselves in them.   John's Aunt Mimi is a very strict rigid woman.  She cared more about appearances than anything else.  She loved John but did not know how to express it to him.  She was never able to be the mom he needed.  She provided him with food, clothes, money but he needed more from her.  He needed her to openly love him.

John met his mother, Julia, when he was about 15 or 16.  She was fun, carefree, and openly showed her love to him.  She showered him with kisses, hugged him, and danced with him.  She was also bipolar, which was portrayed so well in this film, she was not demonized.   Julia had 2 younger daughters with her husband Bobby.  The girls looked up to John and adored him.  Bobby loved Julia with all of his heart but he was also very protective over her.  He was afraid that John would trigger her depression.

Julia made John promise that he wouldn't tell his aunt about them meeting.  Julia taught John to play the banjo.  They listened to music and danced together.  They truly just loved each other.  Julia lived within walking distance of where John and his aunt lived.  It was easy for John to sneak over and see his mom.

After a while John started questioning himself, his role, Julia.  Why was he raised by his aunt when his mom lived so close?  How could Julia walk away from him by the time he was 5?  Where does he fit in?  He did have a lot of anger, hurt, and questions.  Honestly, who wouldn't be a bit angry? 

There is a tug of war in John's heart between his aunt that took him in, loved him, and raised him and his mom who loves him in her own way.   We find out that John's mom lost a daughter to adoption when John was a baby/toddler.  Salvation Army took the baby.  After finding that out I saw Julia in a different light.  She had lost 2 of her 4 children.  How many of us would that have driven over the edge?  How many of us would be stable emotionally after losing our first 2 children? 

The only point I really got mad at Julia is when John started to stay the night at Julia's.  He is taking over one of his sister's rooms.  Julia comes in, tucks him in, and kisses him good night.  He asks his mom "How long can I stay here?"   She doesn't answer him.  I wanted to yell and scream at her.  He just wants to know he belongs and you love him as much as your 2 youngest daughters.  Grrrr!  After this Julia goes down stairs and her husband Bobby and her fight over John.  Bobby says that the aunt needs John, john is all she has.  Julia yells at Bobby "I need John, I am his mom".  Such an emotional scene.  It was very triggering as a mom who lost her first child to adoption.

Julia wasn't your stereo typical 1950's mom.  She was a  non-conformist, she taught John that life isn't only about fitting in and doing what you're supposed to do.  She teaches him music; to play, appreciate and live music.  She teaches John to follow his own path, to do as his heart desires.  Aunt Mimi taught John about hard work and discipline.  It took both of these woman to form him into John Lennon of The Beetles.  He has his aunts discipline and his mom's love of life. 

Emotions about OBC

I was prepared for long lines yesterday and not getting any answers.  I was expecting to re-explain to a lot of people what we wanted and why we wanted it.  I wasn't expecting the emotions that it left behind.  It is not my birth certificate.  I could get mine in a few weeks and less than $20, so why am I upset.  I am pissed because I played a part in this.   I played a part in my daughter NOT being allowed her birth certificate.  How did I not think far enough ahead about how these things would affect my daughter?

I saw Allysa getting mad that she has to jump through hoops top get HER birth certificate.  How do you explain to anyone why they should not have their birth certificate?  How do you look someone in the eye and say "denied"?  I truly don't have the answers for her.  I can't understand how my state, or any state, can hold a birth certificate hostage.  Who are they protecting?  They are not protecting me, her father, or her adoptive parents.  This has nothing to do with reuniting.  This has to do with 2 things.  A) She wants her original birth certificate.  The one that shows her original name with her original parents.  B) If she can prove that she is 1/8 Cherokee and that her grandmother was a tribal member she has a greater chance of getting a scholarship.

We could put off reason A for getting her OBC but reason B we can not she needs help in getting a scholarship.  The only proof that says she is Rob's daughter is her OBC.  That is the piece of paper that connects her back to her grandmother.  When will our state realize that having access to OBC's are not about reunion or "disrupting some one's life".  It is about your own identity.  Seeing that you are biologically related to others.  It is about your family histoy. It is more than just a piece of paper.

OBC day 1

This morning we started off with the normal routine.  I got ready with the boys and brought them to school , out of the house by 6:45 and everyone dropped off by 7:30.  Allysa came with us though.  We needed to be at the court office down town by 7:30am.  The court office opens at 8am but the lines start forming early.  I was told that we would need to start with the self help court office and they would point us in the right direction.  They would let us know what papers, etc needed to be filled out. 

After finding parking for only $6 for the day we went to the end of the line.  We got into line about 7:40 but we were still about the 20th in line.  Exactly at 8am the doors opened and we went through security.  FYI  - I found out that you can not bring cameras into a court house, I did not know that.  We waited inside in line for about 30 minutes and then we were being helped. 

The lady asked what we were there for and I said, "She is adopted and wants to get her OBC because we found out she is 1/8 Cherokee Indian   We can not get death certificates for her great grandmother, or find out about her family without proof of who she really is"  Her response was I think those are sealed.  I told her yes they are and we will need a court order to unseal it but we need to know the first step.  I then told her that I am Allysa's natural mom, so the court will not be protecting her from me or visa versa.  She responded that she did not know what to do but she would see what she could do to help.  She then went on her computer for about 10 minutes to look some things up.  We were told that not many people ever come in to get help with opening their OBC.

She came back with a pamphlet and a form for us to fill out and phone numbers to call in Sacramento.  The title of the pamphlet and was "Do you want to look in an adoption file or get a copy of an Adoptee's original birth certificate."  The first line on this is How:Ask the court to let you read a confidential(secret)adoption file or get a certified copy of an adoptee's original birth certificate.  I found it interesting that the word secret was actually used.

We are filling out a form that says "request to see Adoption File and court order" after all 3 pages are filled out we send it to the Probate Clerk's Office in our county.  The next step is waiting to see if the paperwork is stamped Allowed or Not Allowed.  On the paperwork it says this can take up to a year. We are filling out the information today and sending it off by this weekend. 

We also went to LDSFS to get paperwork filled out for her to get her full adoption file.   Neither Allysa or I do very well in LDSFS.  There is something about that place that leaves us both empty and hurt.  It is just an office like any other but with pamphlets everywhere about adoption.  There is also one pamphlet for addiction.  I guess that one is for after you place and you are left empty and then turn to alcohol and drugs.  (I'm teasing on the reason why they have that pamphlet).

When we told the counselor at LDSFS that we needed Allysa's OBC and full adoption file so she can prove her heritage she asked what is an OBC.  Really, we had to tell her what an OBC stands for,  shouldn't they know adoption lingo?

The rest of the day Allysa and I have had alone just to relax.  With 6 of us living together I usually do not get alone time with any of my kids.   This sure ended up being a nicer day than planned.

OBC time

Alyssa asked me to help her get her OBC.  Tomorrow first thing in the morning we are headed down to family court to start the process.  About a year ago she had asked her adoptive parents to help her.  They said they would but nothing has been done, not even a phone call.  I understand that seeing that their daughter has a birth certificate that does not have them on it would be hard to see.  But this is not about them, it is about her and her desires.  What is so wrong with seeing and touching your original birth certificate?  Her adoptive parents did not even know she had an original birth certificate they had to have that explained to them a year ago. 

My older sister who is an attorney said it should take about 6 weeks to get her OBC.  She is a tax attorney and according to law if everything goes perfect it will take 6 weeks.  We are dealing with two different counties, one where she was born in and one where the adoption was finalized.  I have heard horror stories about others being denied their OBC.  Has anyone tried getting their OBC in California?  I am nervous, anxious, I just want this taken care of and know the complete process.

Part of the reason Alyssa wants her OBC is because she found out she is 1/8 Cherokee Indian on her dad's side.  We want to track her history, her family.  She wants the paper that shows that she really is related to these people.

Adoption hits home part 3 of the family reunion

I keep thinking should I post  this on my private blog or keep it public. This is the hardest for me to write about our family reunion.  It is about the perception of adoption through the eyes of a natural mom and an adoptive mom.  Two woman that love each other but have opposite perspectives.

 Jeremy's aunt was at the family reunion.  The one that adopted her son last February.   My views on adoption are hard to get past even for family.  I hold family to a much higher standard than I do the general public.  I do love Jeremy's aunt and uncle.  They are very loving, good, honest people, they are Alex's Godparents.  But I don't know if they will ever understand the pain of a natural mother or the pain that they can cause a child by adopting.  I do know that they love their son's family.  They do hold them in high regard, (not saint hood)  they talk highly of the mom, her family, the dad, and his family. The B terms are used which just sends nausea through out my body, though.

I can start to see how much this baby looks like his mother.  I commented to Jer's aunt (adoptive mom)  that the baby looks just like his mom (I've only seen pictures of his nmom).  For me it is hard to tell when babies look like their parents, but he is the spitting image  jof his mom.  And then I realized how that could sound offensive to her as an adoptive mom.  I apologized because I don't want to hurt her.  And she said, "Jeannette his b****mom is beautiful, I am so glad he looks like her".  

At the reunion some of the cousins were asking about the adoption of this new baby, the journey etc.  I was sitting at the table.  I couldn't look away or get up.  I was stuck there, struck still and silent.  After the story was told I got up.  Jer's aunt followed me a few minute later.  She said, I know that what I said might have hurt you, I'm sorry.  There is nothing wrong with her story, per say.  To everyone else it is a gift, a miracle.  To me knowing what adoption loss is, it hurts.  She was aware enough to realize that it caused me pain.  That to me said a lot about her and her maybe she will be open enough to realize later that adoption could cause her son pain.

We had talked about the written open adoption agreement compared to what she is doing.  The agreement is for written updates and pictures but she is building relationships with her son's family.  They can come over any time but a phone call is wanted first.  She wants her son to know all of his family.  All of her son's family lives locally, so having alot of visits isn't unheard of. She actually welcomes them. She even wants her son's dad to have visits and he will be out of jail in a few months.  An adoptive mom that is going above and beyond what is promised is amazing to me.  I'm so used to the opposite where adoptive parents promise the world but then do not follow through.  We talked about how the general public does not understand open adoption and how important it will be for her son as he gets older.  She understood that part.  Adoption is not all about her, but her son also.  I often see that adoptive parents promise open adoption and visits but the families live hundreds or even thousands of miles apart.  It is easy to have an "open adoption with visits " when there is no chance of running into each other at the grocery store, library, park, or mall.  When the adoptive and natural families live within 30 miles of each other and you keep it open with full relationships that is much harder.  I consider a full relationship is when the natural extended family is welcomed over just as much as the child's extended adoptive family.

Adoption hits home part 2 of the family reunion

Alyssa was supposed to go with us to the family reunion but work got in the way so she stayed home.  The family reunion was two and a half hours away.  We were supposed to be there by noon but showed up at 12:30.  As I was getting ready I was freaking out in my head.  This was supposed to be the first time all of Jer's extended family met Allysa.  It wasn't until last year that most of them even knew about her.  I was worried about their judgement.  What they thought of me now.  The worst scenarios were going through my head as I was getting ready.  Everything I have heard, read, and been told about "b-moms" was racing in my head.  You know, you are a slut, a whore, you couldn't keep your legs closed, thank god someone else would raise your child, you have never been good enough.  I was thinking these people that I consider family do they think this way of me too?  Have they said these things behind my back?  I made sure on the outside I looked my best.  I did my hair, make up, made sure I looked totally pulled together.  Even if I didn't feel confident I wanted to look like I was secure in myself.  I really wanted Allysa to go with us but I did understand that work always comes first.

As soon as we got to the reunion we started saying hi to everyone and a few of Jer's aunts asked me where was my daughter.  They were not referring to Cassie!!!  One even said, "I forgot what was her name".  There was no judgement or why didn't I tell them earlier or judgement on me for placing her.  They were excited to finally meet my daughter.  My worry was for nothing.  They wanted to meet and get to know her.

Adoption hits home - part 1 of the family reunion

Yesterday (September 10) we had a family reunion.  The first one we had in about 5 years.  It was for my husband's grandmother's side (Gran).  Gran had an identical twin sister.  They did everything together including marrying best friends, moving from Canada to California, and having 8 kids each.  Gran's sister, best friend, confidant, died when her oldest child was 14 and the youngest was a baby.  Since the death the two families have remained very close.  Now we have a reunion every few years that we refer to as the CS feud (CS are the initials for both families last names).

Now I still don't remember every one's names in this big extended family.  There was 50 of us there and only about half of the families were able to come. I was talking to Jer's Aunt Sandy and she said Dee's son she placed for adoption is here.  Now Dee and I have never discussed adoption ever.  We never confided to each other that we both lost our first child to adoption just 6 years apart.  I had heard rumors that she had placed her son but I never talked to her about it.  I was always afraid that if I talked to her that it would be too painful for both of us. 

I went over to Dee and we talked to each other as mothers of loss.  We talked about the hurt, pain, our children's loss.  We talked about it all.  I found out her son and her have been in reunion for a year.  She has known all of his information for years but it wasn't ready for contact until he was 24.  She said it hurt to have his information but he had denied her contact.  He wasn't ready.  For 6 years she was in this non reunion limbo.  We talked about even saying the number of children we have is hard.  It is hard because of how other people accept us as mothers of our first children. 

Dee had said that Scott (her placed son) grew up within 30 miles of her and her family.  When they were in the limbo her niece even went to Blockbuster where he worked just see see what he looked like.  She did not contact him or reveal who she was, she just went in as a customer.  She just wanted to see her cousin and be in his presence.

Interestingly when I was talking to Sandy she said "Scott looks just like Dee" I responded of course he does, are you shocked that you like like your parents?  It is only in adoption that we are surprised that children look like their natural parents."

The good and the bad

I'm keeping this post very lite.  There are some fun things with Alyssa living with us.  First of all we get to know each other very well.  We see each other at our best and our worst.  But the fun part is that my wardrobe has expanded.  Alyssa and I wear the same size.  She has a lot of really cute and fun clothes.  We are even built the same and have the same "problem" area, that lower belly that you never seem to lose even years after having kids.  We also have the same style.  We both love vintage 1950 clothes.  Cassie can borrow our shirts but she is still too small to wear our pants or skirts. 

Now the worst thing about having three women in the same house.  Our cycles are now on the same schedule.  The poor boys that have to live with us.  That sure didn't take long for nature to take over. I know growing up my sisters and I were on very similar schedules, but it didn't occur to me that when Alyssa moved in that in a few months all 3 of is would be on similar schedules.

Roller coaster reunions?

I have been asked by friends how is it to have Allysa living with us.  I had heard about the roller coaster of reunions.  How hard it is to maintain a relationship, etc.   Honestly for Allysa and I it has been easy over all.   We are very similar in temperament.  We can read each other's emotions and we know instinctively when to give each other space.  My husband has been amazing through out our relationship.  He has accepted Allysa even before we met Allysa in person.  He wanted her to live with us when we found out she was pregnant.  When ever there are minor problems he comes to me and lets me deal with it.  He doesn't put the responsibility on me but allows me to decide how to best deal or ignore issues.  Yes sometimes I do ignore minor issues because it is not worth it to bother Allysa.  I sometimes ignore issues with the other kids too, as Allysa says I am too easy on them.

One thing that people compare reunion with is a roller coaster ride.  Yes you can compare it to that but parenting is also a roller coaster ride.  Sometimes your children drive you crazy and the next minute you can't believe you are so blessed to have that person in your life.  I have raised all of my kids differently.  I base my parenting on each child's needs.  I do the same with Allysa. 

I think what has helped both of us is I have came to her knowing that she might have pain related to adoption.  I have allowed her to express her pain.  I never have tried to tell her that I did not want to hear her side of her story.  One of the first conversations we had through text was Allysa telling me how much she has always wanted me in her life.  How she wanted me to come get her from a very young age.  Yes that conversation hurt but I needed to hear her truth and she needed to tell me.  She needed to know that she could trust me with her hurt, pain, and loss. 

The longer she is living with us the more I see how being raised outside of her family has hurt her on so many levels.  She was raised with people that wanted to be parents, that wanted a baby.  But I really don't think they ever understood her.  They never understood what made her tick and make the decisions she has made.  She never mirrored them in her temperament, personality, or looks.

When you first meet Alyssa she is happy, easy going, energetic, and just fun to be around.  She always listens to other people and tries to help them.  You have to dig a lot deeper to really know her though.  Sometimes I forget that I didn't raise her and that I have to take that into account when we talk.  A few days ago Alyssa did something that bothered me, I told her I didn't like that, and then I forgot about it and moved on.  I do not hold grudges against my children.  Hours later she text me apologizing.  There was no reason for her to do that.  We talked  and it was over and forgotten by me.  I called her up because I wanted her to understand that I loved her unconditionally and I wasn't upset at all.  Later that night she was still worried about what happened in the morning.  I was too harsh with her, I didn't mean to be but I was.  I forgot I didn't raise her, she doesn't have to win my love back and continually apologize.  I always love her and trust her.  I know her heart I know she really always tries her best.  I forget how easily she is hurt by words, by feeling that she doesn't measure up.  She always has measured up to my standards.    I have always wanted her and loved her. 

Family History is important

Last week my 3 year old nephew went to the hospital for an asthma attack and had to stay over night.  He will be fine but it was pretty nerve racking for his parents.  I had told Allysa about what was going on with him and keeping her updated.  We were talking about our family history of asthma.  I think all of my siblings had asthma as kids.  We each had varying degrees from mild to severe.  When I placed Allysa I made sure the agency knew about our asthma problems.  I knew it would be important for Allysa to know and for her kids to know about it.  Any family health history I made sure the agency knew about.  I gave them very detailed accounts about diabetes, heart attacks, strokes, cancers, retinoblastoma (cancer of the eye), food allergies that we knew about, when each of these things happened and to whom they happened.   The information that I didn't know my mom filled in. 

As for her dad's side I did not have that information but I have assumed the agency did get a family history from him. 

I found out now that Allysa didn't know about asthma in our family.  I do not know if the agency never gave the information or if  her aparents never told her.  I wonder how many other adoptees are missing their information whil etheir mothers assume they have it.