We are back...

Well, we had a very nice Christmas with J's family in Buffalo. We left here around 12:30 pm last Thursday. Then, on Friday, we had the family Christmas party, Saturday afternoon was my baby shower, Saturday evening, we went to the barn for a Christmas Eve service (it was really neat...sang and had some scripture with stories. There were animals there for the kids). Then, Sunday we had Christmas and on Monday, I did something I NEVER do...I went out shopping with J's mom, grandma, and aunt. I am not a huge shopper...especially when I know that there are going to be huge crowds, but I did it this year and actually had a good time. Then we headed home on Monday around 1:30 pm and got home about 8 pm.

I had a doctor appointment today. I got to tell him how swollen my ankles and feet have been. They look horrible. The other day they looked like a ham with vienna weinies stuck on the end. It was really kind of gross looking. At least it doesn't hurt. So, Samantha is measuring right on track. His guesstimate is that she will be a 7 to 7 1/2 lb. baby. I think that I can handle that. She is now head down and getting into position. Let's just hope that she stays that way. I have gained so much weight that it isn't even funny! I won't give you the exact amount, but I can say that it is over 40 lbs. I feel like such a heifer. J says I look great, but unless he wants his head bit off and a crying wife, he knows what he is "supposed" to say. Samantha is still quite the mover. I don't think that this kid ever sleeps. She cracks me up. I asked him how far overdo he would let me go if she is late and he said that a week is his limit. I am really hoping that she isn't late...I don't want a valentine's baby. I want her to have her own special day.

Well, other than that, not a whole lot to report. Work is the same...wish I weren't here. I probably won't be online much after work tomorrow, so....

I hope that everyone has a wonderful New Year and that it brings everything that you are wishing for. Take care and please be careful....

Christmas...

Well, I am getting ready to take off for Christmas and just wanted to wish every one a




I hope that everyone has a safe holiday season. Take care and best wishes to all!

Update....

Well, yesterday I turned 32 weeks, so here is my updated belly pic....



Well, I had a doctor appt. yesterday and am beginning my appts. every 2 weeks. I have a feeling that this is going to make time go by much more quickly. At my appt., my blood pressure was good, my iron is at 12.7...still on the low side (even with the iron supplements), and my uterus is measuring right on track. However, little miss Samantha doesn't want to be still and is still flopping all over the place. At the beginning of my appt., she was laying sideways and by then end, she was head up. So, my dr. said that if she doesn't go into the head down position pretty soon, then we will take a quick peek with the u/s, which you don't have to twist my arm to get me in there for that!

We are headed to Buffalo, NY to the in-laws for Christmas and a baby shower. It is going to be a hectic couple of days. But, it works out pretty good that my dr. appt. is 2 days after we get back.

Well, I still have the crud. I stayed home from work yesterday and probably should have stayed home today, but I need to save my time...since I would prefer to have more time with Sami once she is here.

I hope that everyone knows that they are in my thoughts and prayers.

Well, I had better get busy reading some blogs since my lunch break is almost over. Take care and have a great day!

31 down and 9 to go!!!

Well, it looks like we only have 9 weeks to go. I love being in the single digit week count down. We had our first baby shower on Saturday and it was a lot of fun. We got the majority of our big stuff that we were wanting plus a ton of other stuff. Here are 3 of the main big things that we got (all from www.babydepot.com):




Now, this evening I will be going to buy the mattress for the crib and baby detergent so I can start washing all of the bedding and all of the cute little outfits and onsies that I have received so far. I am so glad that they have baby showers...with out them, I think our little one would end up sleeping in a box with some old sheets or something. I can't believe how expensive all of this stuff is. The stroller, pack 'n play, and car seat are in tan/navy that way if we have a second little one and it is a boy, we can reuse it.

Well, that is about it....other than that and work, not a lot is going on. We have our all day birthing class next Saturday. I am really looking forward to that. I don't know if J is or not, but I don't care, because he is going! Sami is still moving around like crazy. The other day she moved something and it looked like a mass the size of a small orange moving on my stomach. It kind of freaked me out, but it was so cool! Gotta love it.

Well, enough about me...I am off to read blogs and get caught up! Take care and have a good week!

Update...

I am back from TX and I had a great time. It was so nice to see my family. I miss them all so much. It has taken me a couple of days to update because I have been so busy here at work.

Not a lot going on, had a bit of a stomach flu or something...seems to be moving up into my sinuses now. A little bit of a sore throat to go along with it.

I hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving holiday! I will update more, when there is something more to say.

Take care.

Quick update

Well, had my dr. appt. I had to do the 1 hour gestational diabetes glucose test. You know, it wasn't really that bad. It was extremely sweet, but I think that I had made it so bad in my head, that it just wasn't. If/when you have to have this test, I would definitely recommend the fruit punch flavor. Anyway, no results for that, but I had to go to the hospital on my lunch break for the Rh factor antibody screening and RhoGAM shot. That damn shot burns going in.

Ok, so for my appt., the dr. said that everything was looking good. I haven't got in trouble yet for gaining to much weight (and I know that I have gained at least 20...I am thinking it is closer to 25 or 30 lbs). I am getting to be such a fat ass! Oh well. I guess that just means I will have to work my ass off to lose the weight afterwards. Anyway, when the dr. was trying to take measurements of my stomach and everything, Sami was moving around like crazy and it took him a few tries to get the measurements he needed. Then, when he went to listen to the heart, she was playing chase with him. She couldn't sit still...think it was all of the sugar?

Well, I haven't got squat done at work today with the appts. and all, so I had better get back to work now.

Take care and have a great day! I hope that everyone is doing OK. I miss talking to ya'll.

Here ya go Jess....

Ok, so I go from complaining about someone calling me "gordita" on Friday to posting my most recent belly pics. Well, Jess has been wanting some new ones and it has been 4 weeks, so here are my 28 weeks pics (I am now offically in my 3rd trimester)....






They aren't the greatest pics, but I did it about 5 minutes before I walked out the door for work this morning. I can't believe that I have made it to my 3rd trimester. That in itself is a huge shock to me. I get more and more excited every day, even though I am still constantly worrying about every little thing.

Well, I am on my count down for my trip back home. We leave Saturday morning at 6:14 am to head to Texas. Whoo hoo....I am so excited. It feels like it has been forever since I have been back home. It will be weird going knowing that my Papa won't be there. I can't believe that it has already been a little over a year now since he passed away. Ok, nothing depressing, this is a happy post!

Take care and have a great day!

Quick vent...

Ok, so I have a quick vent that I need to get out. This morning, I was walking through the lobby here at work and the receptionist said something like, "Hi Gordita". I wasn't in the mood, so I said "good morning." *Side note: This is the same person that I have had problems with in the past and she went to her union over me. Luckily nothing came of that* So, anyways, after I said good morning, she made a comment to the student that was working with her that I probably didn't know what it meant anyway. So, I said "the only Gordita that I know about is the one at Taco Bell." The students said, "it would probably make you made if you knew what it meant anyway." So, a little later the student was walking down the hall and I asked her what it meant. Ok, so Gordita = Pudgy. (Now that I think about it, I remember gordo meaning fat. I did take Spanish in high school and college, just haven't really used it in a while and I have forgot a lot of the meanings.) So, the student was right...I looked at her and said "At least I have an excuse." I turned around and walked off. I mean please...that was just rude and uncalled for. I don't know why she says that kind of shit except to piss me off. You know, maybe I over reacted or whatever, but it is NOT because I am hormonal. If someone called me pudgy or fat at any time in my life, it did, will, or would piss me off.

Ok, enough of that. I hope that everyone has a great and wonderful weekend!!!!! Take care.

Yesterday....

Yesterday was a great day minus having to come to work. I really enjoyed my birthday. I had told J that I didn't want anything for my birthday since we will be spending enough money here before long on the baby. So, he got home about 6 last night becuase he had to pick up my present. He said that it was from Samantha so I wouldn't get mad at him.

This is what he got me....





He knew how much I wanted an old fashioned rocker for Sami's room. It was one of the most thoughtful gifts that he has given me. I just love him so much! It is so nice to have him home right now.

From my mom and step-dad I got my plane ticket to Texas for the Thanksgiving holiday. Of course I already knew about it since she bought them a couple of weeks ago. I am so excited. I can't wait to see my family...it seems like it has been forever, even though I was just there in April. We are going from 11/19-26/05. For anyone who knows how much I hate to fly, please pray for a safe trip for us. It wouldn't be as bad, if it wasn't for the fact that I can't get drunk or take drugs this time.

Well, time to get back to work. Just wanted to share my rocker with everyone. Oh! For Jess - I know you keep asking about belly pics. I will put an updated one up next week at 28 weeks. I am only taking the pics every 4 weeks.

Have a great day and take care!

It's my Birthday!

Happy Birthday to me....happy birthday to me....

Well, you know the song. So, not only is it my birthday today, but also my mom's and my father in laws. J took me out to dinner last night to Carrabba's. It was sooo good. Had the Calamari Ricardo and of course the Pasta Carrabba (I love chicken alfredo). Tonight, we are going out with my mom and step dad for dinner. They are wanting to go to Outback, so it looks like that is what it is going to be.

We don't really have anything big planned and I am actually kind of happy about that. This morning about 3 am J had to get up to go to the bathroom. When he crawled back into bed, he leaned over and gave me a kiss on my forehead. I told him I loved him, he told me happy birthday, and we went back to sleep. It has been so nice having him home all last week and this week too! Makes you realize how much you love and miss them when they are gone.

Well, time to get back to work. I don't have much to update on, so hopefully I will have something later this week.

Take care and have a good one!

Update...

Well, I have been wanting to update, but there isn't really anything going on around here. Here is a quick list:

• First, I would like to say Congratulations to Melissa! I am so happy that she finally got the little one that she was longing for.
• Halloween was a lot of fun. We had about 60 or so kids. There were some really cute ones, but the ones that showed up without costumes really pissed me off and then the two girls that came to the house twice and they were with their parents! So, not to be completely mean, I did give them candy the 2nd time, but only 1 little piece.
• We went and started our registry. Can't believe how much there is to choose from. I don't even know where to start with babies, so...if you have any "Registry Must Haves", please share them with me. It looks like we are registering at Baby Depot and Target.
• Sami is moving like crazy. J can really feel her at night when we are in bed now. Got in bed last night and I made sure that my tummy was up against him and he said, "quit trying to make her kick me." Well, needless to say, she went to town and kicked his butt. About 20 minutes later, he asked us to go to sleep. He thinks it is bad now...he is in for a rude awakening. He will be praying that they continue to send him out of town for work.
• I am really looking forward to going to TX to see my family for Thanksgiving. I can't wait.

That is about it. I hope that all of my IPP girls know that I am thinking about you and I really miss talking to you. Take care and I hope to talk to you soon.

Ultrasound

My u/s is at 10 am! I hope to get a good look at my little girl and some good pics that I will be able to share with my family over Thanksgiving. If I get some good ones, I will try to post them later.


1:15 PM - Ok, so I am back. She wasn't real cooperative at first, but the last 15 minutes or so, she was a good girl! Out of 20 pics....these are my favorite 4....

Looks like she is going to be a drama queen with her hand thrown up on her forehead like that.

We may have a thumb sucker...didn't catch her doing it though. We did get to see her mouth open and close and she flipped around on us.



Look at the little foot.

I hope that you can see the images as clearly as I can. They were so nice. It was really cool. They gave me a cute little outfit for her and then all of the pics. Can't believe that it was free. Glad that Sami and I could contribute to a few peoples educations.

Have a great weekend!!!!

Jamie ~ Samantha's middle name will be Lynn. I originally was going with Lynn because it is my mom's middle name. Just recently found out that it is J's mom's middle name too. That seemed to work out. No one can get upset.

Jenn ~ The way they are doing my glucose test, I shouldn't be at the office any longer than my normal appt. They gave me the drink (fruit punch flavor) at my appt. yesterday and told me to drink it about 1/2 hour before my appt. Then approximately an hour later, they will take my blood. Luckily, they are only doing the 1 hour glucose test. Depending on how this comes back is whether or not I have to do the 3 hour test.

Ally ~ I hope that you are doing OK. I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever. I miss ya. You are in my thoughts.

Les ~ I am so glad that you are back to posting. Sorry that you haven't heard anything about the surgery yet. I hope to catch you online sometime very soon.

Jess ~ Hope all is going well for you and you are enjoying the new house.

Liz~ You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that this cycle goes quickly and smoothly for you.

Heather P. ~ Glad that everything is going good for you and the little one.

Heather M. ~ Great pic on your blog. Glad that you are starting to feel better. I hope everything just keeps going uphill from here.

Ok, time to get some things finished up for work. It is almost 5 and time for me to go home. For everyone that I didn't mention...I hope that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

Doctors Appt.

Well, I had my regular appt. today. Sami seems to be doing great.

• I am measuring at 26 weeks (2 weeks ahead).
• My b/p was 114/68.
• They did a finger poke and it looks like my iron is a little low, so I have to start taking a supplement everyday.

My next appt (11/16) I have to do the 1 hr. glucose test. I am going in 3 weeks instead of 4 since I will be out of town (going to TX from 11/19-26/05).

I don't really have much to say today, just wanted to update. I hope that everyone is doing good. I miss talking to so many of you. Take care!

Monday already???

First, I want to say thanks for the concern and well wishes on the pains that I was having. I didn't find a lot out before I left on Thursday and I felt like the nurse that I spoke with was useless. The pains have pretty much gone away...I do get some tightening in my lower abdomen, but I think that most of it is pretty normal. I am just scared that I will over look something because I don't want to be a pain in the ass at the dr. office. I worry about EVERYTHING!!!! Anyway...the nurse seems to think that it was probably just round ligament pains and stretching. Hope so....

We had a nice time in Buffalo at the wedding. It was nice to see his family and for not being able to drink....the night still went pretty quickly and I had a lot of fun dancing!

Last night, after we got home, Sami was moving like crazy. She was kicking pretty good, so I put a remote control on my lower abdomen to see just how hard she was kicking. At first, it was just normal movements from my breathing, but then...she kicked hard and the remote control really started wobbling. It was the coolest thing until....

A little later my shirt was up a little exposing a portion of my belly and I was laying on the love seat watching TV. Well, I felt her kick really hard and I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I thought what the hell was that, so I lifted up my shirt to expose my WHOLE belly and I watched it for a bit. Well, all of the sudden, I saw my belly starting doing a wave motion. She must have been doing a somersault. It was the best feeling that I have ever felt. She did it a couple of times and J got to see it. I wish I would have had a camera because the look on his face was priceless. He was laughing so hard. It was funny to watch, but it was a great feeling. I am so excited.

Well, I had better go read blogs before my lunch break is over. Have a good one and take care!

What in the hell????

Ok, I understand that people want to have kids, but what in the hell is this all about. I mean really... quoting from the article, "I have asked Michelle if she wants more and she said yes, if the Lord wants to give us some she will accept them," he said in a telephone interview. Give the rest of the world a chance! Do you really need that many kids?

Well, we are taking off tonight when J gets home to head to Buffalo, NY. My brother in law is getting married on Saturday and of course J is in the wedding so we have to be there tomorrow. I am looking forward to it, but then again I'm not. Not really in the mood to deal with all of those people. I think it is going to be a loooooong weekend.

I have a call in to the dr. right now. The nurse called me back and is supposed to be talking to the dr and then calling me again. The last 2 times that I have gone to the restroom to urinate, I have had these horrible pains in my stomach. I have a regular dr. appt next Wednesday, but with going out of town and everything, I figured that I would give them a call, just in case I needed to go in to be checked out. I'm hoping that it isn't a UTI. I don't think it is since there isn't burning when I go, just the pain in my stomach. Maybe Sami is just laying on something that causes the pain. Who knows... Of course in my mind all of the bad things keep running through and I am definitely trying to stop those. Hopefully it is nothing and the pain will subside very soon. I have had some pain in my lower abdomen since Monday. I worked out Monday morning, so I just thought I over did it. Now the pain has moved up into my stomach. I think I am repeating myself, so I will just end this topic on that note.

Well, I hope that everyone has a great weekend! Take care.

October....

Boy, October is one of those months. Sunday (October 9th) was the 1 year anniversary of my Papa getting sick and me going to Texas to see him. Yesterday, was the 1 year anniversary of my edd. I would have a child that is a year old. That is so hard to imagine. I must say, I am very thankful for the little girl that I am carrying right now. She is what gets me through these weeks while J is gone. She is what I live for. I pray that this pregnancy works out.

Well, as many of you know, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The 9-15 is the designated week. Please say a prayer for all of those who have lost a precious angel. We (I) take so much for granted in life and this only seems to make things so much clearer and puts them into perspective. My love goes out to all of my online and everyday friends that have suffered this kind of loss. Please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers....today and everyday.

Take care!

How well do you handle your liquor?????

After 4 beers....


After 2 glasses of wine....


After 3 Kamikazes....


After 2 bottles of wine (shared of course)....


After too many Margaritas....


(Note how the head must be restrained to prevent it from exploding)


After 4 six-packs....


I hope that everyone has a nice weekend! Take care.

Ally....

Love ya Ally! If there is anything you need, or anything that I can do, please let me know.

Take care of yourself. I am thinking of you and praying for you and the family.

Not much going on!

Well, not a lot going on other than work. J is out of town again, but that is nothing new. We went last weekend and put our baby furniture on lay-a-way. We only did that because we don't have the room cleaned out yet. I suppose I should get my butt in gear. I am ready to get it set up.

Here is the complete furniture set that we are getting:

We found it at Baby Depot, which is a part of Burlington Coat Factory. I am so excited to get it to the house and set up. The bed is one that goes from crib to daybed to full size bed.

Also, here is a couple of my 20 week belly pics (I have gained 16 lbs.):



So, in other news...I had told you how we only got 2 pics from the last u/s and they weren't really that good at all. We are going for another u/s on October 28! I can't wait. I was talking to a girl online and she was telling me how her friend that is in the nursing program at the community college told her that the u/s program takes volunteers to be "OB models" for their classes. Turns out the girl actually lives about a mile and a half from me. She gave me the number and I called and now I get to go. I spoke with the program director and she said that they need at least 90 minutes of my time (students are doing the u/s), but I can bring family, they will give me pics, and they also give you a "thank you" baby gift. I don't need any gift! It is gift enough that they are letting me do this and there is no charge and I don't have to fight with the insurance company.

Well, that is about all I have for today. Hope everyone is doing well. Take care and will try to update more often!

It looks like all of my family and friends made it through Hurricane Rita safely. My family in Tyler barely got any of the 18-20" of rain that was called for. Ally made it home with no damage. As for my family that left Texas City to go to Tyler...I don't know how much, if any, damage was done to their home. I am praying that it wasn't bad.

Well, I have a few things that I have to get done, just wanted to give that quick update. I really am happy and relieved that my family and friends made it through. My heart goes out to the families of those who received damage or didn't make it.

Take care.

Prayers....

Please say a quick prayer for those in Texas and Louisiana that will be impacted by Hurricane Rita. I have family in Houston and Texas City that have now evacuated to Tyler, family in Corpus Christie that have evacuated to Granbury, and family that have gone to San Antonio. Also, please pray for those in Tyler (East Texas) because they are calling for 18-20" of rain, along with tornados, high winds, and the like. We also have some online friends (Ally and Jennie) who were both in the Houston area and have moved to higher ground. This has been a devastating year in the way of natural disasters and now is beginning to hit a lot closer to home for me.

I would appreciate any and all prayers that you could say not only for my family and friends, but everyone who is impacted by this storm.

Thanks and take care!

Half way there....

Well, today is 20 weeks! I had a dr. appt. this morning, and I finally got up the nerve to ask my pre-pregnancy weight. I have gained 16 pounds so far! Our u/s on Friday went pretty good. We have a very stubborn little....well, maybe I will make you wait on that.

So, the tech was getting measurements and everything looks great. The heart beat was 156 and the little one was weighing in at about 11 oz. First, I will say that I apparently have a long cervix. The tech was trying to get the measurements of the head and and the baby's head was buried below my pelvic bone, so the tech couldn't quite get to it. She got one measurement of the head and said that she really needed 2, but one would have to do. The tech had my butt propped up in the air (probably close to a foot and was massaging my lower abdomen, but that stubborn little thing wouldn't budge.

Ok, so we have decided on the name Samantha Lynn. That's right...it is a little girl. The tech showed up the 3 little lines that are supposed to be the labia. J says that those 3 little lines are going to haunt him for the rest of his life. He is happy, but he is so nervous! His comment to me was, "It's not that I am upset and not happy that we are having a girl, I am just nervous because I don't know anything about that... only what I used to do to them." Ok, so my husband wasn't the best of boys during high school or college. I told him...what goes around, comes around. Now, he has decided that it may be pretty cool to have "daddy's little girl". I just don't know about him.

The pics that we got from the u/s (all 2 of them) sucked! We got one profile of the head (it is rather blurry) and one really good one of her arm (you can really see the bones). I may post one, but not sure. I think I am going to talk to my dr. about possibly getting another u/s, but we will have to wait and see on that one. I was going to ask him this morning, but he was running behind and I needed to get to work, so I skipped it on this time.

Well, it is almost time to get back to work, so I hope that everyone had a great weekend! Take care.

It's Finally Friday!

Well, it is finally Friday, and I am going nuts! My appt is in 3 hours and I am starting to get scared to death! Ok, I know that things in there are good. I know that I am using the doppler correctly and that IS the heartbeat that I listen too. I am almost positive that is the baby that I feel moving around in there. I shouldn't worry until they tell me something is wrong....right? Why am I doing this to myself?

Ok, I have to distract myself...so here it is on Friday, has rained most of the morning and at 12:30 PM EST it is currently 59 degrees with a high expected of 65. Being a Texas girl....I am not ready for winter....not yet. I do have to admit that up here, Fall is absolutely beautiful.

We don't have a lot planned for the weekend. My appt. is at 3:30 today and then we are going to meet a couple of people that J works with for a drink. One of the guys got a job somewhere else, so we are going to celebrate. I think that maybe I should clarify....J is going for a drink and I am just along for the ride. As for the rest of the weekend...I think I may post some u/s pics on here on Saturday...if not then, it will be Monday when I get back to work.

Well, I am really out of things to talk about, so I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend! Take care!!!!!

I forgot...

Well, I had some things that I was going to post about and as soon as I started up blogger, I forgot what they were.

Nothing new is going on here. Just working as usual and J is out of town for the week. He will be home Thursday night, so that will be really nice. We have our u/s appt. on Friday. I am hoping that the baby isn't shy, but I guess we will have to wait and see.

I started working out again yesterday. I did 2 miles on the ellip. yesterday and 1 and a half this morning. I will go again on Thursday. It is so hard to work out now since I have to watch my heartrate. I never did that before and it is amazing how quick it goes up. Keeping it under 140 is hard for me when I am on the ellip. I was doing anywhere from 8-9 minute miles, but now it takes me more like 12-14 mins with the heart rate.

Well, I haven't had to smell the tar for a couple of days. I think they moved to a different portion of the roof so it isn't coming into the air intake that hits my office. I was told that they will be doing the section right over my office and I asked them if there was anyway that they could do it mid-Feb. or early March since I will be gone. Apparently, they haven't even accepted bids on the job, so it could happen while I am gone.

I hope that everyone is doing good....
Jenn - looking forward to seeing if you get to find out the sex of your babies on Thursday.
Ally - hope that your eye is feeling better.
Jamie - Sounds like you are doing good on the working out. Keep it up!
Jess - Good luck with the move.
Les - I have been thinking about ya...are you still not smoking? I hope that you are doing OK.
Heather and Heather - I hope everything is going good for both of you. Heather M. - I hope the morning sickness is starting to let up a bit for ya.
Liz - You are in my thoughts. I hope that you are doing a little better.
Jenna - I miss you. We need to talk more. Hope you find a great job soon!

If I missed anyone, I am so sorry! Thinking of you all.

Well, it is almost time for me to go back to work, so I hope that everyone has a great day! I didn't do too bad for forgetting what I was going to post about.

Take care!!!!

Update...

First, let me begin by saying....I will be so glad when tomorrow at 5 PM gets here. I can't take much more of this god forsaken place that pays my bills!

Ok, so the whole tar issue hasn't really been resolved. I just have to play musical chairs in the building until they are finished doing the roof.

The best thing that has happened to me this week...at least I think it did. Ok, so I am not sure, but I think I may have felt the baby move last night. I'm not sure because it wasn't the flutter that everyone talks about, it was more like I was getting thumped from the inside. I waited for a while after feeling it...and nope, no gas. So, since I didn't get the gas I am thinking that it was my little one wanting to know if anyone was around. I could just be wanting to feel something, but I think it really was. It happened several times within a 5 minute period or so. Sorry for the rambling, but I get to thinking about it and my thoughts really get scattered.

I can't wait until next Friday at 3:30 pm. We have our u/s and I am REALLY hoping that this little one cooperates. I want to wait on finding out, but I want to know. I figure I will probably have enough suprises in labor and delivery. J thinks it is a girl and I keep calling it a boy, so I can't wait to see. I am so excited. I can't believe that I have made it this far. I think I am becoming more and more scared as time goes on. All kinds of crazy thoughts consuming my mind. My main concern is that the little one is healthy. My second concern....I pray that I will be a good mommy. I am getting so scared!

Well, I need to go read blogs, so I will write more later. Take care and have a good one.

Oh, to answer Les's question about me only taking 6 weeks off after the baby is born....the University that I work for does not offer maternity leave. We have to use sick, personal, and vacation time. When the baby is due in Feb., I will have a little over 8 weeks built up. I don't want to use it all, so that is why I am only taking the 6 weeks.

Tar sucks!

Ok, so last week I mentioned that they were tarring the roof of the building where I work. They are still doing it. Last Thursday and Friday afternoon, I used my supervisors office due to the strong smell in my office. Guess what....here I am today and the smell is strong again this afternoon (at least it is to me). I have had a couple of people say, "Well, you have a high sensitivity to smells since you are pregnant. It won't do any harm to you or the fetus." In the back of my mind, I am thinking...."fuck you!!! You lose a baby and then tell me it is OK to sit in an office smelling tar for 3 to 4 hours. Talk about some dumb fuckers! Sorry about the language, but the smell is really getting to me. I want to go home, but I really can't afford to take the time off. I need to save it so I can be home for at least 6 weeks with the baby in Feb. I guess I should be thinking that it really doesn't matter rather or not I have the time. If something happens to the baby due to this I am going to hate myself forever for not moving out of my office sooner or just taking the time off!

Ok, so I am going to do some investigating on this now......

Take care and have a great week!

Quick update....

First I want to say:

Whoo hoo Ally! You may have been wanting 3, but you are getting 4! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!

Ok, not a lot of plans for the long weekend. We are going to my parents cabin. Time to get away and visit nature once again. It is so nice and peaceful there. I love going. I sure wish we would hit the lotto so I could move out there full time and of course afford the gas to drive the 2 hours between here and there. As of right now, it looks like it is $3.39/gallon for regular unleaded.

Well, I am wearing maternity clothes today. I broke down day before yesterday and went to Old Navy. I bought 2 pair of jeans and 3 tops....grand total spent $62. I am pretty happy with that. So, I can still wear my regular jeans, but they are beginning to get a bit tight. Today....I am comfortable! I can breath and don't have to worry about popping a button when I do it. Oh, part of that could be that I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks. I will start back next Tuesday....that is a pledge to myself...just haven't felt much like it this week.

Oh, speaking of not feeling much like it, I had to leave work an hour early yesterday due to the fact that they are putting tar on the roof. Well, it is coming straight through my office vent. Unfortunately, I had to come to work today, so I had to switch offices because the smell was so bad and when I called my dr. office yesterday, he said not to be breathing that shit in! So, here I am....patiently waiting for 5:00 PM to get here so I can take off!!!!

Have a great evening! Hopefully I will have something a lot more interesting to talk about soon.

Life In One Word....

Thank you and Happy Friday....

Thank you Jamie and Jess. Well, I think I have gained around 10 lbs or so (maybe a little more since I have been slacking on the working out). I must have distorted the belly pics or something since my stomach looks a lot bigger in person than it does on the pics. J keeps commenting on "look you can see it!" "I can't wait until it gets bigger!"

Which that all in itself is great, but (and this is not bitching about being pg), but I am just feeling fat and not really pg. I mean, yes, I have the pooch, but it just looks like I've gained weight and been drinking a LOT of beer.

I guess my main problem is that I have never been particularly fond of the way I look (I owe that to my mom's ex-husband...what a dick head!!!!) So, anyway, with J being gone so much, it is beginning to worry me that he will come home and decide that I am not what he wants. When he is gone out of town for work, he goes out with some of the guys. They go to the brew pubs or to one of the bars or something, and I get worried. My happy ass sits at the house all of the time. The majority of the people I know are just acquaintances and not really friends. It sucks! I hate being home by myself all of the time. Then, of course working on a college campus with all of these teeny boppers walking around in their short shorts and tank tops, doesn't do a lot for ones self image.

Please don't think I am bitching about being pg, because I am not. I couldn't be happier. I can't wait to get huge....I am just ready to look pg and NOT fat!!!! I would say how much I weigh, but I won't humiliate myself like that. Anyone could stumble across this blog. Granted it is fairly anonymous, but really.

Anyway, I need to get to work and pass the time until I can go to the dr....have a great Friday and a wonderful weekend!!!!

Life....

12 weeks Today....16w2d

I don't know that either of these pics shows truly how poochy I am getting. Since I took the pics myself, they aren't the best, but notice I did good at keeping my face out of the pic....LOL

Ok, I was tagged by Les too and haven't put up any idiosyncracies yet, so here are a couple:

1. I can't fall asleep with my back towards the bedroom door. Too many scary movies growing up I guess. (even when someone is home with me).

2. I can't fall asleep without a TV or radio or something on when I am the only one at home. It is too quiet and I hate being able to hear everything!

So, those are 2 that I have really noticed here lately. I am sure that there are more, but maybe I am having a hard time figuring out what they are since to me...they are normal!

J comes home today! YAY He took Monday off work, so I get him for an extra day! Whoo hoo!

Hump day...

Well, I am getting ready to leave work to take my aunt and grandma to the airport. I should have taken the whole day off work, but instead choose to take from 10:30 -2:30. Their plane leaves at 1:00, so I have plenty of time to get back to work. I hate that they are leaving already. It seems like they just got here....the week flew by!

Well, here is a quick update on me. I have a dr. appt on Friday (16w3d). But, I have to say, the coolest thing happened last night. My family wanted to hear the heartbeat one last time, so I pulled out the doppler. My aunt wanted to try to find the heartbeat so I let her. It took her a few minutes, but she found it. It was beating good, but was very faint (like the baby was towards the back). I had read how the baby is already sensitive to light and that if you shine a light towards your stomach, then the baby will pull away. So, I had them turn off the light and my aunt kept the probe in the same place. It was so funny because the heartbeat got really loud and strong. My mom walked in and turned on the light and it got faint again. We had her turn off the light and it got loud. So, I don't really know if it was a coincidence or not, but it was really cool! That little one was on the move last night. I can't wait to see him or her again. I am hoping for Sept. 16. I will let you know after my appt. on Friday when I get to have another u/s.

Well, I hope that everyone has a great day! Take care.

Uuuggghhh Monday again....

I swear the weekend just goes by way too fast. We had a nice weekend. Took a lot of walks on the property. I really enjoyed the time with J and with my family. J left today to go out of town for work again. My family is here until Wednesday (assuming they are able to fly home on Northwest).

The main thing I want to say is....Jamie, Jess, and Les, you girls are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I want to see each of you get the miracle that you have been longing for. My heart aches for each of you at the thought that you aren't holding your babies yet. I pray that it happens soon.

Jenn, Ally, Heather P., Heather M., Sara........I am so happy for each of you and I will continue to pray that all of your pregnancies go extremely smoothly without the smallest of complications.

Liz....I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I think about all of you often and I pray that your life works out the way that you want it too. As for me....I am still doing pretty good. Lower backache like crazy, but that is about it. I think that I am going to stay away from PW for a while. I am not doing this because I took anything the wrong way and I'm not really moving on to the birth board, I just think that maybe it is time to leave it to the TTC ladies. I will lurk of course, but won't post for a while!

Take care and I pray that you all know I am thinking of you.

Oh...Les, I will get the Idiosyncrasies done sooner or later. You may have to remind me.

Ally...

Congrats Ally(wishes #2,3, & 4 all came true)!!!!

I am so happy for you!

I know that Ally will have a great weekend....so I hope everyone else does the same. Take care.

Family...

Not a whole lot has been going on in my life here lately. J is gone as usual, however, he does come home today. I am definitely happy about that!

Well, my aunt and grandma got here yesterday from Texas. It is so good to see them, but on the other hand it is really weird that M ( my grandma) is here without my grandpa. This is the grandpa that passed away last Oct. I have done quite a bit of thinking about him lately and now with her here, I am really doing a lot of thinking about him. I miss him so much. He was such a good man. No, he was a great man. He did a lot for me growing up and then gave me a ton of support as an adult.

Well, to get away from the beginnings of depression and on to a happier topic for me....I am now 15w2d pregnant. I got to pull out the doppler and let my aunt and grandma listen to the heartbeat last night. I am sure they will have me do it a few more times before they go home next week. I have my next dr. appt on the 26th (I will be 16w3d), and I am hoping that my dr. will let me schedule my level 2 ultra sound. If he does, it will be scheduled for September 16. I have to make all of my appts. on Friday's since that is the only day during the week that J is home and can go. I am so excited about it!

Ok, this is for my IPP girls....I want you to know that I love all of ya'll. You mean the world to me. I am so sorry that things haven't worked out for you yet, but they will. I know they will. They have too! I keep you girls in my thoughts and prayers always! Since I have known you, I have wanted all of ya'll to get your BFP and much as I wanted my own. I know that we all live so far apart and we can only be here for eachother on line or over the phone, but PLEASE know that if there is anything I can do for you, I will! You girls are like my family and I hate to see you hurting...heart and soul.

Ok, time to get to work now....take care and have a great day!!!!!!

Not much to update on...

Well, J comes home tonight. I am so happy, but it will be a short weekend. My stepdad is selling his business (close on it tomorrow) and my mom wants to have a "retirement" party for him on Saturday. So, it looks like J will be smoking ribs and making hot wings all day Saturday. Then, he is going to a fishing tournament on Sunday. He has to leave the house around 2 am and will probably be home around 2 pm. Oh well, I will take what I can get with him home. He said that he would stay home on Sunday if I wanted, but he has been looking forward to this for a while. The last 3 times, it has been cancelled due to weather/waves on the lake. I couldn't ask him to cancel.

Well, not much new going on with the pg. I have some weird pains every so often, but I think it is some of the "normal" pains of pg. I am still checking the tp everytime I go to the restroom. I don't know if I will quit doing that. I can't help myself....I try not to do it, but I still do! I am looking forward to my next dr. appt, even though it isn't until the 26th. I just like to hear from him that everything seems to be OK.

Well, I have about 3 minutes until I have to go back to work, so I hope that everyone has a great day!!!! Take care.

It's my anniversary!!!

Today is my anniversary and my wonderful husband is out of town with work AGAIN!!!!! Well, he sent me a dozen and a half roses that are beautiful and have my office smelling so good! If he was close enough, I would drive to where he is and have dinner, but he is about 6 or 7 hours away from here, so I don't think that is going to happen.

I am mad at him for sending the flowers. We are going out on a date Friday, so he should have saved that money, plus we decided that we are going to buy a camcorder for our anniversary gift. We figure that we will need it one of these days!

Well, I don't really have a lot to say today, just thought I would stop in and give a quick update....

Oh...the wedding was fine, but when you aren't drinking and everyone else is, it doesn't seem to be as much fun. The drinking and the fact that I was exhausted and we stayed there until 11:30 PM or so since we rode with his parents. I won't make that mistake again.

Have a great day and I hope that all of my IPP girls are doing good. Take care.

Thank goodness it's Friday!

Well, yesterday I said that J and I were going to go out...well, we still are, but not to the same place. It turns out that the wedding we thought was next weekend...is tomorrow! Unfortunately it is in Buffalo, NY, so we are leaving tonight when I get off work. I wanted to go so bad to see the Birdhouse Factory, but I can't be a complete ass and neither one of us show up to J's cousins wedding. Our anniversary is next Tuesday, so we were going to go out to dinner and the show tonight since he will be out of town again come Monday for work. Damn this sucks!!!

I forgot to say that I cut my hair rather short. It is now a chin length bob with layers. If I get some decent pics at the wedding this weekend, I will post a pic. Quite a difference from what I had. I told J it was short, but was shocked at how short....but he really likes it because he is one of the weird guys that prefers short hair over long.

Well, I went and got my nails done over lunch. Thought I would just go all out if I have to really get dressed up this weekend.

Sorry this is such a boring post, but I don't have a whole lot to talk about today.....oh, did I mention that I hate my job. I would love to be able to take a couple of weeks off, but I am working really hard to save up my time for Feb., so I can take at least six weeks off.

Well, back to work! Have a good weekend and take care!

I am so excited!

Ok, first...I took my last prometrium last night(Whoo hoo!!! One less pill every day!!!!). I was lucky because I got to take it orally, but for right now...I don't have to take it anymore.

Second, I ordered a doppler and it came in today right before I went on my lunch break. I was kind of scared to use it, incase I couldn't find the heartbeat, but I tried it anyway. It took me just a bit to find the heartbeat, but when I did, it was the best thing in the world! It was pretty loud too. Then, I tried to call my mom so she could hear it, but I lost it and then couldn't find it again....a little while later I finally found it and I called her and let her hear it. Then a girl that I work with wanted to hear it, so we came in my office, I shut the door, and found it in like 30 seconds. Boy, that was so exciting!

J comes home tonight....I am so happy about that. We are going to see the Birdhouse Factory tomorrow night. I can't believe he agreed to go. I know that it is because I am pg. Well, the tickets didn't cost me anything...the were given to me. Oh, I guess I should say that the Birdhouse Factory is similar to Cirque du Soliel. I can't wait to see it.

Well, I am over on my lunch break now, so I had better get back to work! Take care and have a great day!

Monday Morning Update...

Well, it is Monday morning and unfortunately, I am at work and J is gone until Thursday....again. According to him, this will be going on probably until November or December (with possibly a few weeks at home every now and again). Hopefully not, but you never know!

So, my appt. on Friday....my dr. really didn't check much. He explained to J that when I am mean, it isn't actually me, it is the alien that took over my body, so he shouldn't get to mad or take anything too personal.

We did hear the heartbeat. We didn't really get a count on it. It sounded pretty damn fast and I was just relieved to hear it. It took my dr. a few minutes to find it, but he was looking higher than where it actually was. He says that I have a high pelvic bone and that is a good thing. Whatever....if that means easier labor, I'm all in! So, since I heard the heartbeat, I ordered a doppler on Sat. morning, I really hope that it is in by the end of this week. I need something to put my mind at ease every couple of days. Also, I have decided since I made the 12 week mark and I know for a fact that there is still a baby in there, I am going to bite the bullet today and tell my supervisor the news. I have been putting off telling him because he acted like a total ass the last time I got pg. Apparently, knowing that I would be taking time off when I had the baby through a wrench in his plans because he wouldn't have someone to be here at his every beck and call. Then, when I lost the baby, I think he just felt guilty...he was really (I mean REALLY) nice there for a while.

Well, I guess I should get back to work now and I will talk to you soon! Oh, my next appt is August 26 at 4:45 pm and I will be 16w3d. Have a great day and week!

An added note:

Congrats Erin!!!!! I am so incredibly happy for you. I can't wait to see the pics. Take care of yourself and the newest addition to the family.

Not a lot to say...

Not a lot to say today. I have my dr. appt today at 4:45 pm. I am so nervous. I shouldn't be, but I am! I am going stir crazy at work today waiting for 4:15 to roll around so I can leave. I want, wait let me rephrase that...I NEED to hear the heartbeat today. If everything goes well, I will be ordering a doppler, so I can check when I start getting really nervous....like now!

I probably won't update on my appt. until Monday. J and I are going up to the cabin to get away for the weekend. It is only 2 hours or so away, but it is in the country and woods. I need to get out of here. I know that he really doesn't want to go with all of the traveling he does for work, but he is the one who brought it up and I need to get away from all of the stresses of life.

So, on the other hand...I started looking at cribs online. I am optimistic one minute and pessimistic the next. I have found a few that I like....but for me, I need to wait at least another 2 months before I buy anything big. I have bought a few outfits...couldn't help myself.

Well, I hope that everyone has a great weekend! Take care.

It's official....

I did it. I made it to 12 weeks. I don't know how, but maybe I shouldn't question that. Actually, I do know how I made it. It was from all of the support that I have from my wonderful IPP gals and of course my family too!

I am so happy that I have finally made it this far in this journey. Now, I am just so nervous that at my appt. this Friday I won't hear the heartbeat. I know I shouldn't think that way, and I am trying not too, but sometimes this whole pregnancy just seems way too good to be true! I mean really...no morning sickness (and believe me...I was praying for it!).

Well, that is about it for now...so have a great day!

Just a quick update...

There really isn't much to update on. It started out as kind of a crappy day. There is a really nice gentleman that I work with that passed away last night. I only found out that he was sick last week. He was a very good man and will be greatly missed by family, friends, and collegues.

On the pregnancy front...still not sick and I have 5 more days to go until I hit the 2nd trimester! Whoo hoo. I can't wait for that to happen and then I have an appt. on 7/29 with my ob.

J comes home today and they are out of town again next week. I am so glad that they are letting them do 4 - 10's when they are out of town. That one day seems to make things a little more bearable.

I am happy to hear that all of the IPP preggos are doing good. I am praying for safe, happy, and healthy pregnancies for all!

For everyone else...you too are in my thoughts and prayers. It is going to happen. It has too.

Ally....I am thinking about you! I am praying for you. I will be looking tomorrow to see if you tested!
Jamie...I am glad that you seem to be doing a bit better. I have been thinking about you.
Jenna...Give us an update. I want to know that you are OK.
Jess....Great pic on your blog. I can't wait to get the news that you are knocked up!
Les.....I am so happy to see that you are getting better. Your time will come...appt. is next month.
Everyone else...I pray that you are doing good.

Take care and have a great day and wonderful weekend!

Happy Friday!

I hope that everyone has a great weekend!

I took this test:

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

and this is what I got:

Your Linguistic Profile:

60% General American English

20% Dixie

10% Upper Midwestern

5% Midwestern

5% Yankee

Damn living up North for too long already...I have some Yankee in me. I need to go back to Texas for a visit.

Take care and have a good one!

It's Hump Day!!!

I don't have much of an update to give. I still feel the same. No morning sickness.... I am still exhausted, but I can deal with it. I seem to be gaining some weight. My pants are starting to get a little tight in the midsection, but I can still wear them fairly comfortably.

I did go shopping this last weekend. This city sucks for maternity clothes. I bought a couple pairs of slacks and 2 really cute outfits, but I had to order some jeans on the JCPenney website. Do stores not carry talls because they think tall people don't get pregnant? Of course, I was beginning to wonder that myself.

Well, this is how boring my life has been! Oh, J is coming home tonight! Whoo hoo...early. His birthday is tomorrow, so I am going to make him dinner....he makes it for me when he is home. I don't know what to make. Hopefully he will tell me what he wants, that way I can go grocery shopping tonight so I can hit the gym on my way home from work tomorrow.

Anyway...that is about it. This is what I am hoping for:
1. I hope that Jamie begins to feel better soon.
2. I hope that Les can get out of her funk.
3. Jenn - I hope that the morning sickness doesn't last long. Good luck at your appt. tomorrow. Can't wait to see pics! Cysts be gone!!!!
4. Ally - I hope that the house sells and you are knocked up right now!
5. Jess - I keep waiting to hear that you are knocked up. I hope that all is going good with the family and you and the boys are feeling better.
6. Jenna - Let me know how you are doing. You are always in my thoughts and prayers!
7. Liz - Good luck on Thursday! Let us know how everything goes.
8. Heather P. - I am so glad that everything is going good with you. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts.
9. Heather M - I am glad that you made it through the visit at your MIL's. You have adorable little one's.
10. Sara - I am still keeping you in my thoughts. It will happen!
11. Erin - I can't wait to see pics of you holding Ryan! Soon!

For anyone I missed, I am sorry. I hope that everyone is doing good. Take care!

First pics of my little one!

Well, I had my appt. J and I couldn't believe it. Our little one is a mover. He was all over the screen during the ultrasound. We got to see and hear the heartbeat. It is beating strong at 160 beats per minute and he measured out at 9 weeks and 3 days. I hit the nail on the head with that one. I hope these pics don't take up too much room. The tech was so nice. She gave us 10 pics that she took and then she also gave us an extra set, which worked out pretty good since J is leaving in about an hour or so to go see his parents.

Very quick update...

I don't have much of anything new to report. Still not having any morning sickness and I am now 9 w 2 d. I go for my u/s at 7:30 tomorrow morning. I am excited, but I am also scared to death of what I will/will not see. I am trying to be positive. I keep thinking about how much life is going to change come February. I am really looking forward to it!

I will write more tomorrow after I get to work.

Take care!

Jenn....how did your appointment go????????????

4:48 PM - Ok Jenn...I read your blog and saw...whoo hoo. That is great that you heard the heart beat. How exciting! I am soooooo sooooo happy for you!!!!!

Today is a new day....

Well, yesterday just started out shitty and kind of stayed that way. When I scheduled my OB appt. 3 weeks ago, the nurse that I talked to on the phone scheduled my appt. for 3:00 pm, but told me to be there about 2:30 because the nurse could take me back and ask the 1,000 questions that they ask.

Well, I was there about 2:35 yesterday and finally got called back at 3:15. Then, we go in, I answer those 1,000 questions and then she gives me the paper top and sheet so I can strip down and wait on the doctor to come feel me up. So, as I am waiting, the nurse comes in with a horrible look on her face and says "This will be your first lesson at having a doctor who delivers babies. He is a patient in labor and had to leave to go to the hospital." I said..."OK, I understand...so I can get dressed now?" She says yes and leaves the room. My mom went to my appt. with me. As soon as the nurse shut the door, I lost it and broke down. I couldn't quit crying, because I know that the dr. won't send me for a sonogram until I have my exam. That and it was really a waste of a $10 copay. When the nurse came back in, she looked like she was going to cry because she felt so bad for me. Well, the dr. didn't order any blood work before he left, so she went ahead and took some for the normal panel that they run on pg women.

Well, as I am standing in line behind this old couple who are trying to schedule their next appt., one of the receptionist turn around and says, "Are you Sporty?" "Yes", I say. "The doctor has delivered the baby and is on his way back. Would you like to wait?" Again, I am in shock. Well, of course I waited after taking a couple of their dum dum suckers that they had sitting in the cup on the counter.

Well, he gets back and does that lovely pelvic exam. My cervix must have been being shy, because it took him just a little bit to find the damn thing. He says that it is closed (always a good thing) and that it is very high (he says that is good too, that is how you want it). So, for what I could actually find out in the drs. office, he put my mind at ease....at least a little and for the moment. Now, I just have to make it until next Friday, July 8, at 7:30 am when I have my u/s. He was going to send me today, but I figured that as of today, I should be 8 w 3 d, and I want J to be there with me so he can see the heartbeat too! I want us to share that for the first time. Well, he is out of town for work...so now I have to suffer and wait until next week. Even if he is out of town, he is coming home early for it. He is excited to go.

Well....he comes home today and I am excited! I guess, since I came in to work early, I should get busy and do some work!

Please have a very SAFE and HAPPY 4th of July!!!!

Now to all of my girls....I appreciate everything that you have all done for me and all of the support that you have given me. If I didn't need to get to work, I would list you all out...I may do that at lunch! Take care and you are ALL in my thoughts and prayers! Take care.

Not much to say....

Not much to say really. My doctor appointment is today at 2:30. I am not going to find anything out today really, but I am looking forward to the appt. so I can find out when I am going to get to go for a sonongram. I am praying for next Friday!!!!

J is out of town again. He had a cyst removed from the inside of his lip on Monday. The damn thing required 5 stitches. Then, he got up Tuesday and went out of town for work. I will be so glad when that is over. Today started out shitty, so I really hope that things begin to look up!

I will let everyone know how the dr. appt. goes.

Take care.

PS....Good luck on your appt. today Jenn! Let us know how many beans are in there! I am so excited!!!!!!

Update....

First, I want to start off by saying

Congratulations Jenn! I am so excited for you!

Now, I called my drs. office because I got to wandering if they will be doing an u/s when I go in for my appt. next Thursday. Well, I heard back and no, they won't be. They will be doing the typical 1st OB Intake Appointment. This just completely fucking sucks! I started crying...not where the nurse could tell, but as soon as I hung up with her, I called J and told him that he didn't need to take any time off to go with me on Thursday.

I just can't quit worrying that this pregnancy is going to end up like the last one. I know that cramps are normal, but I swear some of these seem worse to me than what I think they should feel like. I don't have any other signs of m/c, so I shouldn't worry....I just can't help it. Like I told J, until I see the heartbeat, I am not going to be able to loosen up. The nurse did say they usually schedule them within a week of the 1st OB appt, so lets see...I will be 9 1/2 - 10 weeks by then. My appt. next week should put me at 8 w 3 d.

Ok, that is enough...I am sorry for whining about this. It is just that no one else seems to understand.

Have a great day and take care.

Oh....once again....

Whoo hoo Jenn....Jenn's gonna have a baby...or two...or three!

Quick Update...

Well, this is just a quick update to say that there hasn't been much of a change. I really don't feel pregnant and damn it...it sucks big time!!!! I mean I do still have some of the symptoms like I always feel exhausted, my boobs are a little sore, and I have small bouts of nausea on and off. But, honestly, I want to be sitting in the bathroom floor with my head hanging in the toilet. I want a sign that everything is OK and is going to remain that way.

With hardly any signs, I feel like things aren't progressing as they should. I know that not everyone experiences morning sickness and the like, but I NEED something, other than this pooch that I am already beginning to see! Of course, I really don't think that has anything to do with being pg...I have been eating like a freakin' pig! I am still working out...about 2-3 days a week. I am trying not to over do it. Yesterday I did 2 and 1/4 miles on the Elliptical. I am making sure to keep my heart rate below 149 (of course I have read below 149 and some that say below 139). That is hard for me. Before I found out I was pg, my heart rate would get up between 170-180 on that machine. So below 149 is great for me!!!!

Well, I hope that everyone knows that I have been thinking about them. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I just haven't been updating like I should. We have been swamped here at work. I mean, I have been so busy, I haven't even turned Yahoo Msgr. on the last 2 days and I want to talk! I miss talking to everyone!

Well, speaking of work....I had better get back to it! Have a great day and hopefully things will slow down here so we can talk!

I am going nuts!

Ok, so I the only update that I have is that I am going nuts! My dr. appt. isn't for another 13 days. I don't know if he is going to send me for a u/s or not. I should be 8 w 2 d on the 30th. I may request one. I need to know that everything is OK.

So my breasts are less tender today, I am bloated like crazy (that could be because I just shoveled a shitload in my mouth for lunch), I am gassy, and I have a tad bit of queasiness. All good signs, but I need to see it!

So, I am extremely happy that Heather's u/s went great today. I am so happy that she got to see her lil bean and the heartbeat. Wow....149 beats/minute. That is great! Oh Heather...you must be so proud!

J is coming home today, but will be leaving again on Monday morning to go back out of town....that is unless something changes between now and 4:45 pm. They have been back and forth all week of whether or not they had to go out of town next week. As of 12:25 pm today....they were going out of town.

Well, I have gone over on my lunch break....I can't seem to concentrate on anything. I hope that everyone has a great weekend!

Take care!!!!

You know...I just thought I would let you know what I have been thinking about doing for the last week. I want to go to the dollar store and buy a couple of tests, so I can make sure that the second line is staying dark! I am loosing my freaking mind! I just want to know that everything is OK. I know that what is meant to be will be, but....

Update...

Well, I have had a couple of people requesting an update, so here it is...

I really don't have a lot to update on, and I guess that is why I haven't really done it. I am not having a lot of morning sickness or anything yet. I feel a little nausea every now and then, but that is about it. Although, at 8:45 last night, I did go get in my car and run over to Wendy's to get me a small Frosty! I wanted ice cream so bad.

I have had a few mood swings. Sunday was the worst! Poor J. I felt so bad for him. He was screwing with me, and I was laughing when all of a sudden, it went from me laughing to bawling. He didn't know what to do. I tried to tell him that it wasn't anything that he had done, but the more I talked, the harder I cried. I couldn't stop...I was laughing and crying at the same time. He thought I was loosing my mind and he couldn't stop apologizing.

They have him out of town for work, probably for the next 3 weeks! I should be used to him being gone every week, but I have been spoiled here lately and he hasn't had to travel in a while, but it looks like we are back to it. With my crying and all...I am sure that he is enjoying his time away.

Oh, I guess, my main pg symptom is the gas. It is horrible! I think 2 minutes after I eat something...I feel Mount St. Helens getting ready to erupt in my stomach. But, I am enjoying every minute of it.

I am really excited about this pregnancy, but I am having such a hard time accepting it. I have looked at baby stuff and thought about what I want to do with the nursery and all of that good stuff, but I find myself just waiting for something to go wrong. I should NOT be doing that. I do have my days where it is all good thoughts, but sometimes, those thoughts that are in the back of your mind...just creep in and try to ruin the day! Well, I am not going to let them!!!! Damn it, I am going to enjoy this to the fullest.

I don't have a dr. appt until June 30th. I hate the wait. I would like to know what he says my EDD is. These are the dates:

If you go by my LMP (4/29/05) the edd is 2/3/06
I got Peak on the CBE on 5/16&17...so if you go by Ovulation date 5/17 then edd is 2/7/06.

So, there you have it...I have no clue. I mean it isn't like the baby is going to come out on that day anyway...Oh, and did I tell ya...I think it is going to be a girl...at least that is that the Chinese Gender chart says!

Well, I know that this has really been boring and I apologize. I just really don't have anything much to tell....

BTW...has anyone heard from Erin? She hasn't updated her blog in a while. I think I might e-mail her if no one knows how she is.

Take care.

I hope you know that I am thinking about you and really miss talking to you Ally! I hope that you get to feeling better soon and that you will be able to join David in SA relatively quickly!

For everyone else...you too are in my thoughts and I am praying for great things for all of you.

Have a great weekend!

Ok, so I have been telling myself not to get to excited, just in case something goes wrong like it did last time, but I am getting excited and I can't help it. I guess, as bad as I hate to think about it...that if something is going to go wrong with this pregnancy, there is nothing that I can do about it. I am trying to do everything right. I have quit drinking coffee, and I trying to keep working out. I have been once since I found out I was pg. I guess I know that I am trying to do the right thing. I know that I should be optimistic, but it is so damn hard sometimes! Sometimes I feel like if you expect the worst and then it turns out good, then it is just that much more of a bonus!

Last night, we were sitting outside, and one of our neighbors came over and brought me the book What to Expect When You're Expecting. I started looking through it last night, and it has a ton of information. It is really interesting. It does put your mind at ease about a few things (for example the cramps that I have been having). They just scare the shit out of me. Every time I have them, I run to the bath room to see if spotting is accompanying them. I am trying not to worry so much, but I can't help it!!!!

I guess what seems to be worrying me is that with my last pg, I started spotting and miscarried at 8 weeks. When I went in for my u/s, I found out that the baby quit growing at 5 weeks. I am at 5 weeks now, and my 1st dr. appt. is scheduled for June 30, which will put me at 8 weeks and a couple of days. I keep telling myself that if this is meant to be....then it will be. There is nothing that I can do to change that.

Whoo hoo!

Just a quick note to say that I just got a call from my Drs. office and my levels are going up nicely! I asked her to have copies of the labs sent to me. I figure that if my dr. is happy and comfortable with the levels, then I will just try to go with it.

I have my OB Intake Appt. on June 30. Damn...3 weeks seems so far away! I pray that it flies bye. I haven't really had any morning sickness. I have been praying for it too! The nurse started laughing when I told her that. She said that with the 2 she miscarried, she was sick as a dog and with the ones that she carried to term...NO morning sickness. So, according to her, the whole myth about morning sickness...isn't true. To quote her "there is no rhyme or reason to it!"

Well, Jamie...I have been checking in on you and I hope that you are doing OK. I pray that the cyst is going away.
Ally...sorry about the problems with the house. I miss chatting with ya! I pray that the house sells and you can move to SA with Dave really soon.
Jess...update your blog! I miss you and have been thinking about you alot!
Les...I am glad that the side effects are starting to go away! I have been thinking about ya.
Jenn...grow follies, grow!!!! I hope that your appt. went great today. I am still praying that the 3rd time will be a charm.
Jenna...haven't heard much from you lately. I hope that all is going great with you and J. Let me know how you are doing!
Everyone else...I pray that things get to going better for all of you.

Take care.

First, I want to say thank you for all of the support that you have all given me. It is greatly appreciated.

Second, this is what we bought today...



What do you think of my new car? Damn, I love it! The pic shows LT trim...I got an LS. I am so excited. I haven't had a new car in quite a while. J got his truck in 2003, so it was my turn!

Have a great weekend!!!!!

Well....

I am going to get a blood draw tomorrow to check levels and all of that good stuff. Hoping and praying that things are progressing like they should be.

I am scared. to. death! I dread going to the restroom for fear that the spotting has started. I fear every cramp and pain that I have. I am trying to relax and enjoy this, but I am afraid that as soon as I do, it will be over as quick as it began.

Kind of ironic...

Well, remember all of the e-mailing back and forth with my "father". I never heard back, and I started chuckling to myself this morning, because for some odd reason one of his comments in one of the e-mails cracked me up. I think that this is rather ironic. Here was his comment:

"Like I said before, I was very sorry to hear that you had lost a baby. I know you think that I do not care about you or what happens to you, but you are very wrong. It hurt when I got your email stating that you had lost the baby. Would have been my first grand child (even though I would not have gotten to see him or her because you do not like me very much). I think about you all the time too. All I wish for you and XXXXX is the best in life. Enjoy life while you can, because life is too short."

So, it is funny and sad all in one. Here I was trying to reach out and hopefully bring us back together. He turned me away, and now...here we are. I am debating on whether or not to e-mail him and let him know. But, I know if I do, I will be shitty about it. I am trying my best not to do that though. I don't know. I think I will give it another month or two and then maybe I will tell him. I don't know...maybe...I will just e-mail him the link to my blog!

Well, here it is....

This is what I got on May 31, 2005 at 5:45 am when I got up to take my temp and saw that it was still up.

I called the dr. today and he called me in a script for prometrium. He apparently wanted me to start it right away, so I did just what he said. He wants me to go for another blood draw in 3-4 days, so I think I will go Friday, that way I can get the results on Monday. Waiting sucks!

I am really excited, but then again, I am scared to death. I know that this pg isn't totally in my hands and that if for some reason it isn't meant to be, then I will have to deal with that, but I am praying that isn't the case.

To all of my IPP girls and main sources of support...I love ya'll and really appreciate everything that you have done for me.

Quick update....

Ok, so it is 9:30 pm on 12 dpo. Should be having the bitch arrive today, but she hasn't shown yet. I have this feeling that she is toying with me, but then again I could be wrong...it has been known to happen.

No message from the doctor...just called home to check. I took an hpt on 11 dpo and it was of course bfn....could still be too early, I guess I will have to wait and see.

We are having a great weekend and not looking forward to going home, but that is life.

I will let everyone know if the bitch arrives. I probably won't be back on until Tues. or Wed. I will try to let you know asap! Thanks for all of the well wishes and prayers. I have said a few myself the last couple of days.

Hope everyone has a great rest of the long weekend!!!!

Take care and thanks again.....I love you gals!

Well...

Well, I know I posted yesterday about my mind playing tricks on me. I went and got my b/w done today. With the holiday, probably won't know anything from that until Tuesday. However, I will more than likely know this weekend if I am going to get lucky or not. I should have the impending doom of the wicked and evil bitch in 2-3 days!

I am having mood swings like crazy. I went off on a guy at work yesterday, then sent an apology e-mail about 4 hours later. Then J and I got in a huge fight last night. It was completely stupid too. I go so mad because I cooked supper, I was doing dishes afterwards and trying to do laundry and just got pissed off because he didn't make an effort to help me do anything. He laid his happy ass on the couch watching TV. I threw the laundry basket on the floor. I had to leave the dishes for a minute because I had to do something with the laundry. When I came back upstairs, he knew I was pissed and had started doing the dishes. I should have been happy, but I wasn't. He was only doing it because he knew I was mad. I kicked the laundry basket, we both yelled at eachother, and I ended up getting in my car and going for a short drive. I just had to get out of the house.

I don't know, but I think this is more the onset of the bitch than the joy of pregnancy. I don't remember being that bitch the last time I got pg, but then again that was over a year ago. I pray that one day I will get to find out if I am a MEAN pg lady or a SWEET pg lady. I am sure that I will be both!

Well, I hope that everyone has a happy, safe, and wonderful Memorial day holiday weekend. I don't know how much I will post with being out of town this weekend, but I will try to pop in for a few minutes and let you know if the bitch found her way up here and knocked on my door.

Update: Let me just say that I am a complete dumbass. Well, it has been a whole 2 hours and 45 mins. since I had my blood drawn. So, I just called my house to see if I had any messages in the sheer hopes that there would be a message that said..."This is Dr. Good. I wanted to let you know that we got your results from the lab back already and you need to let me know where you want your progesterone prescription called in to, because your pg test came back positive!" Well, you know what I really heard when I called..."You have no new messages." What a bummer. Can I be any more stupid and impatient?

My mind is playing tricks on me...

Ok, so according to FF it is CD28, 9dpo. The 2ww sucks incredibly and now, I think that my mind is beginning to play some really fucked up tricks on me. The last couple of days, my boobs have been sore (no killing me, but sore/tender), I have been exhausted, and I have had a few bouts of nausea. So, I am thinking...this could be it....no, it can't be....but I'm having these symptoms....but it's only 9 dpo....but....

So, as you can see, I want to believe, but I know better. When I went to the dr. on Monday, he gave me a lab slip to go get b/w to check my progesterone (he threw in a blood pg test too). He wants me to go between 10-14 dpo. Well, tomorrow is 10 and the 31st is 14. We are going out of town this weekend and won't be back until Tuesday, so it looks like I will have to go tomorrow. 10 dpo for pg test sucks! My lp is on avg. 12 days, so this b/w will probably be a waste of a $10 copay. Oh well, I guess I should look at it positively. I will know early if I need to start in with the progesterone supplements, but with the holiday, I probably won't know anything until Tuesday anyway!

My life is fairly boring right now. Not a lot going on. Still trying to find a job in another department, I am so ready to get out of here. I like my job a lot of the time, but sometimes these fuckers are such a pain in the ass. Oh, not to mention, I would like a supervisor that takes my side sometimes and not the fuck up receptionist that can't do a damn thing right. That is a life lesson...the more you fuck up...the easier it is to skate by. So...be a fuck up (apparently you will get farther in life!).

Ally, Jenn, Jamie, Jess, Jenna, Les, Heather, Heather, Sara (if I forgot anyone else, I am SO sorry) ~ I have been thinking about all of ya! Take care of yourselves and have a wonderful holiday weekend!

Clomid here I come....

Well, I made my 7:00 am doctors appointment today. I am on CD 25, 6 dpo. I was all set to go in and tell him that I was ready to get aggressive, and before I could get that far, he said that if this isn't my month, we are trying clomid. So, I have a prescription sitting in my purse. I am not going to get it filled until I know for sure that I am going to need it. My boobs are pretty tender and I am only 6 dpo....but, I am definitely not going to read to much into that. So, I have a lab slip in my glove box because the dr. wants me to go have a blood pg test and progesterone test done between 10-14 dpo. So, I figure that I will wait until 13 dpo since my lp is almost always 12 days. Then, I won't have to waste a $10 copay.

Other than that, I am glad that we are starting something. The met. hasn't been doing it for me. Hopefully the clomid will. Now, if this isn't my month...lets just hope that J is actually going to be in town for a while longer. Can't get pg if he isn't here....well, I guess I could, but I REALLY want the baby to be his. Ok, please don't think that I would ever do something like that to him. I love him with all of my heart!

So, off the TTC subject...I really hope that everything works out for Jennie. Please keep praying!

Well, I don't really have a lot to talk about. Sorry that this was such a boring post!

The weekend is almost here....

Well, I will start off by saying that I got my answer from my "dad". The answer....NO answer. Nope, I haven't heard back from him. He could be really busy and hasn't had a chance to respond, in almost a week. Well, until he makes an effort, I am going to have to consider this chapter CLOSED. Not the ending that I was hoping for, but unfortunately things don't end happily.

On the TTC front, I am on CD22 and 3 dpo. I don't know how good my chances are this month...guess we will have to wait and see like we do every month. I have my dr appt. on Monday. I shouldn't be having anything done, I think I am just going in to talk. All I have to say is....I want to be aggressive...test me....test hubby...do what ever you have to! I want to get pg and I want to have a healthy pg and baby!

I mean really....that isn't too much to ask is it? Nope? Didn't think so.

Well, don't have a lot to say, but please continue to pray for Jennie and her bean! We need a miracle.

Take care and have a great weekend!

Prayers for Jennie...

Dear Lord,

Please watch over Jennie and keep her and her baby safe. PLEASE let her KEEP the little life that she has growing inside her and give her the opportunity to be the wonderful mother that I know she will be. Let her know that I am thinking about her, her husband, and the baby.

Amen.

I am trying...

Well, yesterday was hard. Our neighbors had their 19 month old daughter outside and J was playing away with her. When they went in, he looked at me and said I can't wait until we have a kid. I almost busted out in tears right there. Of course, me being the person I am, I got defensive. "It isn't like I'm not trying!" I feel like such a failure. He was a sweetie and said, "If we can't have one, that is fine. I have you and that is all I need. With you in my life, I have more than I ever had." Of course, that did make me start crying.

I love him with all of my heart, but I want us to have a family. A family with children. Sometimes, as much as I love him, I think about how I wish there were a way to end our relationship, so he could be with someone who can give him that family. I know that there is adoption, but right now...that isn't feasible.

I have a doctor's appointment on the 23rd and I am telling my doctor that I am ready to get aggressive and start the testing. I guess I will find out if I am the problem. I am dreading that!

So, here is the e-mail that I sent back to my so-called "dad". I sent it this morning. We will see where it leads....

I have been thinking a lot about your last e-mail. I am sorry if I sounded cold in the e-mail to you about me losing the baby. I was hurting...I had just had a miscarriage. I wish that people who have not had a miscarriage could understand the pain that a person feels. It rips out your heart. You have lost a child. Mine may not have been born yet, but it was a part of me. You should understand that. It has taken me a long time to deal with it, and I am still not "over" it. I don't think I ever will be. I look at XXXXX (my husband) every day and realize that right now, I can't give him a child and he wants one as much as I do.

Maybe I did take your e-mail wrong and that is part of the reason that it has taken me a couple of days to respond. But you said, "...if you would have given us a chance we could have had the relationship that we both needed. If you have to have a reason, that is it." I have made the effort to contact you and keep in touch, and I am open to a relationship with you. I am not going to take all of the blame for us not having a relationship. You are the one who gave up all legal rights when I was 9. How do you think that made me as a child feel. I have two words for that...Unwanted....Unloved. If you want a relationship with me, the ball is in your court and you have to start making some effort.

You can let me know what we should do to make our relationship work. If you think that there isn't anything that can be done, then I guess we should close the chapter on that part of our lives. I don't know how much more I can do. It has hurt me deeply over the years not having a father there when I needed one the most. I want you in my life, but it won't work if I am the only one trying.

I know that you said you don't want to fight and that is not what I am trying to do here. I am telling you how I feel and for now, that is all I can do.

Love,
Me

Well, I hope that everyone has a great rest of the weekend. Les, Jenn, Jess, and Ally...thanks for the input that you gave me. It means a lot!

Who the hell knows!

Well, here is the e-mail that I got back this morning from my "dad".

Sorry I did not answer yesterday. It was one hell of day at work.
On your email to me it sounded that you just wanted to hurt me by you telling me you had lost the baby. It did hurt me when I got the email from you. Sounded like a cold email and I thought you wanted me to leave you alone. So I did, hoping that you would respond to my mail. I know you think that XXXX (this is his bitch wife) does not like you. You are very wrong, if you would have given us a chance we could have had the relationship that we both needed. If you have to have a reason, that is it. I do not want to fight with you, so do not take this email the wrong way. I know that you think I am a bad person for staying away and leaving you alone, but I am not that bad. I just thought it was the thing that you wanted. Sorry if I was wrong in thinking this. Have to go, have to do environmental tests here at work, so will talk to you later.
XXXXX (him)

Well, if you notice...love does not even end the e-mail. So, now I am trying to decide how I am to answer this one. A cold e-mail from me...yes, it may have been. What did he expect, I just had a miscarriage. I was having a hard fucking time dealing with it! So, us not having a relationship all of these years, is my fault because I didn't give it a chance. My parents divorced when I was 3 and he gave up all legal rights when I was 9. His wife physically and mentally abused me when I was very young (to the point that I had to go to a therapist for a couple of sessions when I was about 5 or so). He didn't come to my high school or college graduations, and he didn't come to my wedding. Ok, I can see where he would have got upset at the wedding invitation, it didn't contain his name, but had my step-dad's name on it, but still! I lived with them for a semester my Jr. year in high school. That was hard. I grew up an only child and they have 2 that are younger than me.

I don't know what to think, but I was hoping for a new beginning for us, but it sure looks like this chapter is closing. Tell me what you think. I need some input.

He loves me....he loves me not?

Well, I am going to bear my soul and let you in on one of the problems that I have had to deal with the majority of my life.... my biological father. Here are the e-mails that have been sent between the two of us this last week. (Names have been replaced with XXXXX, to conserve everyone's privacy).

My first e-mail:

I wanted to let you know that Papa passed away on October 21. I didn't know if anyone had told you and I know that he had liked you and I thought that you might want to know. It was a very hard time for all of us. He and XXXX (Papa's wife) were at the coast and he got a blood infection that made him extremely sick. The blood infection resulted in him having several strokes and getting extensive brain damage. He lived for about 2 weeks in ICU before he passed away.

I also wanted to know if you could answer a few health questions for me. Mom, Uncle, and Aunt have all had colonoscopy's and all of them had polyps. I know that colon cancer and problems of that nature can be hereditary and I was wondering if you could let me know if there is anything on your side that I should be aware of. I don't know much about the XXXXX (biological father) side and it would be nice to know in case XXXXXX and I are ever able to have children. We haven't been able to get pregnant since the miscarriage in March 2004. I am getting ready to have some tests done, because we would like to have children. I need to know if there have been any infertility or female problems on that side. I would appreciate any help that you could give me in answering these questions. I hope that you are doing good. It has been quite a while since we have talked. I think about you often.

Take care,
XXXXXX (Sporty)

His response:

Hello XXXXX (Sporty),
It is good to hear from you. I am very sorry about your grand pa. I liked him very much, he was a good man and we got along great. I know that he will be missed by a lot of people.

On our side of the family it is mostly heart attacks and diabetes that we have problems with. If I were to lose some weight I would be better off and not have to worry about diabetes as much. Like I said before, I was very sorry to hear that you had lost a baby. I know you think that I do not care about you or what happens to you, but you are very wrong. It hurt when I got your email stating that you had lost the baby. Would have been my first grand child (even though I would not have gotten to see him or her because you do not like me very much). I think about you all the time too. All I wish for you and XXXXX is the best in life. Enjoy life while you can, because life is too short.

Love always
XXXXX (Dad)

My response:

I am really glad that you wrote back. I appreciate you letting me know what the main health issues on that side are. I am getting ready to tell my dr. that I am ready to start testing and I needed the information, just so I could let him know. Papa was a good man and he is greatly missed. It was very sudden and unexpected.

Thank you for letting me know how you felt when I let you know that we lost the baby. We pray every day that we will get the chance to be parents. I want you to know that I actually read your reply e-mail hours ago, but it has taken me a while to respond and be able to think clearly. I cried when I first read it, and it is making me cry again. I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart. Despite the problems that we have had in the past, you are my father. If we would have had the baby, I would never have kept it away from you. Just because you weren't really a part of my life, I wouldn't have done that to my baby. I think about you alot and I want you to be a part of my life, but I also want you to feel the same way about me. This should be a 2-sided relationship. I kind of figured that after I let you know that I lost the baby...if you cared, you would have checked up on me. It has been over a year since the miscarriage and I am still not over it. I still cry constantly about it. It breaks my heart when I think of the baby that I wanted and I lost it. That may have been my only chance at having a baby of my own.

Well, I had better get back to work now. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love, XXXXX(Sporty)

His response:

XXXXXX(Sporty),
I did write when you let me know about the baby. I was deeply hurt at the time knowing that you were very upset and hurting inside. You may think that I do not love you, but you are wrong. I think about you all the time, like I said yesterday. I felt that you did not want to hear from me, so I did not contact you. Don't worry, you will be able to have a baby. Our side of the family has never had any problem in that department. All you have to do is think positive and pray that everything will be all right.
Best wishes from us and keep in touch.
Love always
XXXX (No Dad this time, just his name)

My response (sent this morning):

I know that you wrote back when I told you about the baby, it was when you didn't check on me after that. That is what hurt.

You know, I have often wondered what I did, that made you not be a part of my life. That is the one question that has always plagued me. Can you do me the favor and answer that? Why...what...or who....kept us apart all of these years? Please give me an honest answer so I can move past that. A therapist didn't help me when I was 16, and I really don't know if one will help me now. The only person that can help me on this issue is you. I just NEED to know.
Love,
XXXXX (Sporty)

So, that is where I am with this part of my life. I am hoping that he will give me an honest answer, so I may be able to either start a new chapter of my life with him, or close one.