Coincidence?

Over a year ago Asher crawled in bed with Kurt and me. I absolutely love mornings that start out with family snuggles, kisses and tickles. For the first and only time in my life I felt a void like someone I knew and needed was missing. I mentioned it to Kurt who immediately said "We're missing two kids." We were at the beginning stages of trying to have two of Asher's bio siblings in Montana placed with us and Kurt was sure they were to be ours. "No. I just feel like we're missing one." That was it. We continued on with our day and I never had that strong feeling again.
I'm not sure when it happened last December or January but we were waiting for a final decision on those two sweet kids in Montana. Call it a day dream, vision, sign, answer from Heaven or coincidence I had another interesting experience. I saw a little foster boy coming to stay at our home. I didn't see his face; I didn't know his age. I just knew it was a boy from foster care and I knew he would bring me joy. I could feel the excitement as if it were really happening.  I didn't share my experience with Kurt at the time partly because I didn't really know what it was and partly because again we were hoping and praying for two precious little bio siblings to be placed with their brother.
Finally a decision was made (see post) and we were forced to move on. I forgot about my two experiences for a time and focused on planning a family trip to Cancun. We needed something fun to look forward to; something to pry our minds away from our loss.
We took our foster hold off and waited for another placement to come. Our RFC would check in every so often and let us know that sibling groups were plentiful, and while we were willing to take a sibling group of two, I honestly didn't feel we'd get that kind of placement.
April 6  I got a call around 3 pm from my RFC letting me know of a little 4 year old boy who needed a home. Would I be willing and able to pick him up from the Provo office after a visit with his family at 5 pm? Kurt was in a meeting so I frantically texted him until he responded "Let's do it!"
Everything seemed to fall in to place on this one. I had loaned my car to my parents whose car was in the shop. Right after getting off the phone with the RFC my Dad called to say I could pick up the car and my sister was over conveniently and volunteered to take me to my parents so I could pick up my car and then drive the rest of the way down to Provo. Pretty perfect since Kurt wouldn't be getting home until 6.
I get so nervous EVERY SINGLE TIME! There are so many questions left unanswered: How will this child fit in our family? Will I have what it takes to help him? Will he be reunified? Will he need to be adopted? Will I love him? Definitely a jump in the dark but it's exciting too! "Is he the one?" started swirling through my head. I know the kind of supportive foster parent I hope to be and didn't want this thought to cloud my wanting to be kind and helpful to a broken family in grave need.
Asher and I made it to the Provo Office and sat down to wait. The case worker popped her head out of a room and beyond her I could see 5 or 6 black haired people roaming the room. Hispanic maybe? Your imagination runs wild until finally "it's time" and they let us in. The people parted and left in the middle on the floor playing with a few cars was a little red head kid with pale skin. Looking around at siblings and mom I couldn't figure out where this kid came from. A week later I got to meet his dad and finally saw the resemblance.
Ethan-
He's just 2 months younger than Asher. (Two people have already asked if they are twins because of their ages. Yep, that's why they look so much alike. :) ) He's tender, loving and sweet. He can talk and talk about the most random things. He misses his mom and dad. He tells me he loves me at least 5 times a day. He loves to be touched and kissed and asks me often to scratch his back. He plays so well with Asher and they rarely fight. He has "orange" hair and we will love him for as long as we have with him.

Ethan at Wine's Park

Me, Asher and Ethan riding the "little" train at This is the Place.

BYU Dinosaur Museum 

Exploring Tibble Fork up AF Canyon

He is such a helper and does chores with a smile

First Owls baseball game of the season

He decided playing with the worm was way more fun then actually fishing

Hiking to Grotto Falls

Boys and their sticks. Right before a visit

Provo Balloon Fest. Snuggling to keep warm early in the morning.

4th of July

So do I think/know he's mine? Is he the one? I don't know. Maybe because part of me hopes his family can fix the broken. I know that's what he wants. No matter what it's looking like he'll be with us for a while and I think we're all fine with that. Welcome to our home Ethan.

The Bitter Cup

I've been dreading this post, but need to get it off my mind to hopefully help me move on. Last night I lay in bed unable to sleep until just after 2:30 am finally saying another prayer and really focusing my thoughts on something other than Gentry and Hope. 

Forgiveness is hard to come by this time around. Forgiving my self and the things I should have said during court or wish I would have known when we first got involved in this case, forgiving the foster family, forgiving the case worker who failed to contact us in a timely manner. For 12 months we worked our way towards what to me felt like a major custody battle I don't hope to experience again, but honestly felt like it was what the Lord wanted us to do. On Decemeber 19th and 20th we shakily made our way in to the court room. Kurt and I were nervous. Nervous isn't even the best word for it. We were freaking out! No amount of prepping can prepare you for what you experience on the stand. You forget things and say whatever comes first to your mind. I mean the decision could be life changing!  Kurt and I vowed to be honest and kind and I think we were. There were moments of defeat and moments of celebration and by the end we felt rather victorious. 
Waiting for an order from the judge would be awful but we felt like it had been proven that the children were not awful with us and that the foster family only claimed such because of their desperation to keep them. How could  he go against us? 
Back in August or September of 2016 I googled to find rulings on similar hearings as ours. Sadly every single one went with the foster family because of time. There were several judges who were arguing against the ICPC paperwork saying is slows down the process for kinship so much that they believe it to be more harmful then helpful for allowing quicker kinship placements. TIME. That had me pretty worried. 
Finally on January 30th, after celebrating Asher's 4th birthday and Kurt's 39th, as I was heading out the door to begin the trip to Butte Montana for the 14th time, we got word from our attorney letting us know the dreaded verdict. Time had won again. 
I get it! I really do. 17 months for two beautiful, young children is a very long time. Honestly I think the judge would have made that same decision no matter what else would have been said. I felt a loss. I went to my room and pulled Asher up in front of me and told him we wouldn't be getting Gentry and Hope. I bawled. He asked me to stop crying but I couldn't. He gave me some time alone and I curled up in the closet and bawled and bawled. 
Kurt and I have been through some very challenging trials during our 11 years of marriage, but moving on from this one has proven to be the hardest. I am usually looking for every door out of my sorrows but somehow find myself looking back in too regularly. We have lost two darling kids. 
I think the hardest most painful part of this loss is that we now have no contact with the foster family. They will not look at my messages on Facebook, they will not answer my emails and they have not allowed us to continue having a relationship. I cannot express the sting it brings to my soul. 
And then there is Asher. He played so well with them. For 13 months he prayed faithfully for them and suddenly it's over, that's it, no more, done! He asked a few days after we received the order from the judge if we could try again. And he continued to pray.  This week for the first time in 15 months he changed his prayer and asked the Lord to bless the kids that need to be in our home to come. We got off our foster hold and are now waiting for another placement. Another adventure awaits and I look forward to moving forward, but wish the out come of the last had been happier. There is no such thing as being loved too much or by too many. 

So we took Asher's next oldest brother, James who just turned 5, to the park with us the other day. Maybe I'm biased but there really is an instant bond between bio siblings. It was a reminder of the connection Asher had with his younger brother. It was sweet and beautiful and I'm so very grateful he has an opportunity to love them. To know them. 

A friend made a comment a few weeks ago that has really driven deep in my heart and mind. She quoted Elder Holland "Salvation is not a cheap experience and it was never meant to be easy. Let us not worry about why it is so hard. Accept difficulties. Count it as a privilege to suffer and be discomforted. Because in some small way, we are sharing in the Savior's experience."  Another comment she said was can we  "drink from the bitter cup and not be bitter?" Can I? This one sure has such a yucky after taste. I know the power of TIME and that Christ is even more so. We shall heal and we do forgive. And I will continue to partake of the bitter cups given to me and pray for Christ's strength to not shrink.