It's Just Not Fair

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not. -Oscar Wilde



from hirebetterblog.com


Several years ago I tricked Kurt into going to LDS Family Services by telling him I wanted to take him somewhere special. I didn't tell him where we were going until we had just about pulled up to the building. He could only be frustrated for a moment when I reminded him he had pulled the same heartless trick on me when he told me we were staying at some resort in Park City for the night, but forgot to mention the part where we sit through a Time Share spill. Not cool.

We had talked about adoption and I was super curious how it all worked and wanted to gather all the information I could to help make wiser decisions for our future family. I had told Kurt about these little monthly “meetings” LDS Family Services did to help inform couples about the process and help them get started. He wasn’t to the point of adoption yet and so didn’t feel the need to go as I did. You may call it lying, manipulation or whatever, but I got him there and he was kind enough to stay.

As we walked into the conference room with several other couples and families all seated around the table I couldn’t help but notice the many children in the room. I believe one of the members of the Quorum of the Twelve had just died the day before so they told us the meeting would be short and less formal. We were all given adoption packets and they asked if anyone had any questions. A few people raised their hands asking about the schedule of events and the wait period. Another asked about the fees involved.

As the questions continued I scanned the room. Some of these people had two or three children playing around them, others had one and the rest of us looked to have none. My emotions and jealousy ran away with me as I began to think “Just let the rest of us get ONE!” I wanted them to know how unfair it was that they were becoming my competition in this supply and demand battle for children.

When we made it back to the car I told Kurt of my feelings of frustration and envy. I knew I was in the wrong for even thinking the way I was but shared my feelings regardless. Maybe I was hopeful that Kurt would feel the same or simply validate my feelings and we could moan about it the rest of the way home. Thankfully he did not. He asked me if I would be happy with just one child. Even if I was able to have my own children could I only hope for one? “Well no.” I guess I have always pictured several kids running around and I would want a chance to offer siblings to my child. The “only child” life always seemed so boring. I benefitted too much from my siblings that I would wish the same for my kids. Kurt explained that those families had just as much a desire for the families they dreamed of as we did for ours.

Life is so individualized that what we deem “fair” can’t always be found. Is it fair that druggies or women that will have an abortion get pregnant when there are so many praying for the same result in good families? Is it fair that two graduates from college take different jobs and very different pay? Is it fair that a talent comes so naturally to some but others struggle their whole lives to master? Is it fair that some are born in a free land while others suffer under a demanding government?

We have all been given unique qualities and gifts in this life. Maybe if we factored in all those for each person we would see the Lord’s version of “fair” and be a little less eager to judge or demand more for ourselves.

(I know what I gave Kurt for Christmas this year did not equal out to be the same as what he made for and showered me with. May our lives be "unfair" because we choose to give too much.)

That's Not What I Meant!

He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is usually a fool. – Brigham Young

A few years ago while attending a stake girls camp up at the Heber Valley Girls Camp, I was wrapping up the “5” mile hike I was leading. I had brought a jumbo bag of candy and was letting the girls take one on their way back down to camp. My two youth leaders were heading up the front and I took up the rear since I had to wait for all the girls to take a treat. 3 leaders lagged behind me. At first my mind wondered on how the hike went, what I should do different next time, then I started humming a few songs floating through my brain. Part of the way down I overheard the 3 behind me (2 ladies and a bishop) talking about people in their ward not being sensitive to one of the ladies infertility problems. I turned around and apologized for listening and asked the gal how long she had been “trying.” She said 2 1/2 years or something and I told her that I had been trying for over 3 and know how she feels.

I had a lot of catching up to do since I missed most of their previous conversation. I asked her what offends her. She told me that people have asked why her and her husband bought such a large home if they don’t have children. Another time someone came up and said “You’re just glowing. Are you pregnant?” I told this young lady that often people just want to help. They don’t mean to offend and are mostly curious or simply aren't thinking. I told her that I usually respond with a funny comment like “Nope not pregnant just becoming celestial.” Or whatever comes to mind to help me smile rather than cry.

As we continued down the mountain so did the conversation. Upon reaching the bottom we said our “Nice to meet yous” and “Goodbyes,” and I went on my way with my ward girls. Later the bishop from the hike found me and thanked me for butting in when I did. He said I was sent from heaven at that very moment to talk with a woman in need of comfort. I didn’t feel that I had been much comfort, but it is always nice to talk with someone that understands what you’re feeling.

To be honest with myself and you, there are times when I have a hard time finding something funny to say to an offensive comment. Instead I want to sink in my chair or run away and cry. Some of the worst comments have been:

1. (in a prayer on Mother’s Day) We’re thankful we can all be mothers. (how do you say Amen to that ;))
2. Enjoy it now while you can! (I always want to say that back to them)
3. Aren’t you glad you’re not pregnant and in pain like they are? (I’m in pain now)
4. I’m grateful that I am worthy enough to have children (this one I can usually deal with)

Taking offense is super easy. You can twist almost any genuine comment to be hurtful, but we’re not allowing others to share their feelings. Not only should we be sensitive to the many situations people live in but we must not allow ourselves the bitter pain of offense. Often we are blessed even more.

Be of Good Cheer

The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy. -President Uchtdorf

Monday I let myself have a pretty crappy day at work. I know I was complaining about all the crazy things that had happened and just rambled about it to Kurt when I got home. I’ve really let it get to me the last little while. Well Kurt’s day had been almost the exact opposite of mine. Instead of so many negative problems he received an epiphany. Life is good if you choose to be positive. He had felt so blessed throughout the day that he realized his success is more of an attitude.
Not the most comforting word to hear at the time, but I was humbled to repent of my complaining and look at the bright all around me. I needed to calm my annoyances by being grateful for the blessings.

(I hope these friends don’t mind me sharing the following experience or for giving my opinion so freely. I love them all too much to want to offend them.)

A year or so ago I was invited to meet up with 3 dear girls for a lady’s night out at a fun restaurant in Salt Lake. I was excited to see them all again since it had already been several years since I had met with them.

We briefly chatted about what everyone was up to, and then reminisced about the good ‘ole days. As the food was gobbled up we moved to more serious topics. I found out that one of the girls was getting a divorce because her husband was addicted to drugs. She had a 3 year old. Another of the girls was still single and just settling down in the area for school. The last two of us were happily married, done with school and living in comfortable homes.

As I scanned the girls and listened to their comments I was surprised at how much the other married gal complained that she wasn’t yet having children. To her this trial far outweighed any of the others. I felt sad for her. I had been married a year longer and still had no children, there was a major drama going on in the divorced friends life which pained my soul just knowing her “Happily Ever After” was crumbling at that moment, and I also knew the loneliness that can come in the dating world of a single adult. I felt grateful for my small trial in comparison.

I loved the September talk given by President Uchtdorf when he urged the sisters to enjoy life now, “There is nothing wrong with righteous yearnings—we hope and seek after things that are “virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.” The problem comes when we put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event to appear.” I hope I know and appreciate what I’ve got before it’s gone.

There are flowers even in the desert. We can find joy no matter our finances, our marital status, how many kids we do or do not have, sickness, deaths, whatever the disturbance. “This too shall pass, “ so put your distractions in God’s hands and …”Be of good cheer!”

Take 2, 3 & 4

I’m not really sure how to continue my story. I’m actually surprised I’ve been able to write as much as I have already. I’m usually a pretty short winded person. My English teachers from high school would be so proud.

After my first AI attempt I decided secrecy was the less painful way to go. Well not total secrecy.

I once had a visiting teaching companion that was recently divorced. As we were visiting one of the ladies on our route she talked about how hard it was to be in her previous ward. Instead of just asking her the questions they had about her situation she felt that many whispered about it behind her back. I’ve thought a lot about that and became more determined to ask questions rather than speculate. That meant I would accept questions from others also. If the question was sincere so should be my answer. Besides my family is pretty open about anything and everything; we love to talk about ourselves.

So when neighbors or family asked me how everything was going I would answer, but didn’t love telling the exact dates of my period. I guess the “secrecy” was more a lack of a public announcement.

My second round of AI didn’t go so well. I was really bloody the day I went in and the on call doctor almost didn’t go through with it. I was less hopeful and not as disappointed when I found out it didn’t work.

My third round was frustrating. When I first went in to the doctors and they told me to try AI they said to consider it an EMERGENCY. If I surged on a weekend I would still call the on call doctor and get right in. I felt like they should be hustling to get me in, because after all AI is considered an emergency. Well each time I called in I either wouldn’t get a return call or the on call doctor would tell me to call back in the morning to schedule with the next on call guy. It was pretty frustrating to feel like something they said was urgent really wasn’t important at all. Again we got a failed result with #3.

My fourth round of AI landed on a weekend. It just so happened to be on a Fast Sunday that we would need to get in to do the procedure. I thought it was a sign maybe, and the perfect opportunity for the Lord to bless our fast. Although we were hopeful this time would work, I didn’t allow myself to get too excited about it. Kurt started to say “I’ll think you’re pregnant when the pregnancy result says you are.” I tried not to talk about it as much this time. I was emotionless when I started my period.

I’m really not sure what our next move will be. Adoption is edging ever closer, but somehow having your own children just seems so much easier. If you just get pregnant it seems easy to deal with any financial struggles you may have because you feel like the Lord wants you to have them at that time. I wish I could get over my biased time schedule and see what the Lord has planned out for me. I keep reminding myself that I have to experience the sorrow to really understand the joy.

I Have a Dream

The future belongs to those who believe in their dreams. 
Eleanor Roosevelt

Several years ago I was sent a Facebook message from a friend and neighbor. She told me she had recently dreamed I was holding a baby girl in my arms.

I am a believer of dreams and their possible significance. Several times in the scriptures celestial beings have spoken to man/woman through dreams. Lehi (Book of Mormon) was taken away in a dream and saw the Tree of Life, he also knew his life was in danger and fled Jerusalem because of his dream, Joseph (New Testament) knew he should marry Mary because an angle spoke to him in a dream, and Daniel (Old Testament) had several dreams and was able to interpret them as well.

As time went on and the literal meaning of the dream did not come true, I turned the dream into a mascot for my current life. The baby girl in my arms became the 25 plus young girls I was able to serve with in my previous calling.  That’s when I decided they would be my daughters.

Since that time and very recently I have been told by two other friends and a sister about dreams they have had of me and my future children.

Dream #2- A neighbor, who I can tell is very saddened by my not being able to have children yet, told me on the side walk in front of my home that she had dreamed that I had a baby boy (does that mean I’ll be working with the young men now?).

Dream #3- Another neighbor approached me at church and told me she had a dream she was waiting in the church for her husband to get out of a meeting and overheard someone say “Yes and we’re having twins!” She turned around and saw that it was me. I told her I would love to have twins to help me catch up.

Dream #4- My sister sent me a text and told me she had a dream I was handing her my baby to hold and she looked just like me as a baby.

I am so very grateful to have such loving and concerned friends and family that care so much about me that they dream of me. I have yet to have a dream of me holding my baby, but I’ll accept these as proxy. 

AI Take One

Master, with anguish of spirit

I bow in my grief today.

The depths of my sad heart are troubled.

Oh, waken and save, I pray!

Torrents of sin and of anguish

Sweep o’er my sinking soul,

And I perish! I perish! dear Master.

Oh, hasten and take control!

-Master, the Tempest Is Raging

The day finally arrived for me to see Dr. Terry. I was eager for him to right my wrong, to fix the problem, to get me pregnant (through Kurt of course). Two hours after our scheduled appointment he finished delivering a baby and met with us in his office. After going over our previous records and asking the usual questions, 

• Are your periods regular?
• Do you have any ongoing or reoccurring pains?
• Have you done the HSG test?
• Did you have your blood taken to check your ovulation?
• Have you done a semen analysis?
• Did it come out normal?,

 he said we seemed normal and he wasn’t sure why we weren’t getting pregnant but gave us our next four month plan which would be 4 tries of Artificial Insemination. The first two would be “natural” and the last two (if we got that far) would be with Clomid. We would start after my next period and I would follow my ovulation days with an over the counter serge kit.

Here’s how it works- I find my two most fertile days of ovulation using the serge kit. As soon as I serge (or ovulate) I call the nurse and they schedule me to come in the next day usually within 24 hours from the time I tested. Kurt gives me a sample of his spermies and I take it in to be “spun” for 30 mins and dowsed with some liquid and then they use a catheter to squirt it all out at the top of my uterus. I then lay there for 10-15 mins and then go home to try and act “normal.” The whole procedure cost a whapping $230, a little bit of pain and some of Kurt’s pride (squirting in a cup on demand is not natural or romantic and can take some coaxing).

August 18th we rushed in to attempt our first AI. We were hopeful and excited. The doctor and nurse praised Superman Kurt for his sample and said everything was perfect. This was going to work! I tried to do a few things differently this time. I told the family when we were going in hopes that their prayers would help. I had been told by my bishop only a month before that now that I was released from the YWs I should give my sacrifice back to the Lord and receive the desire of my heart. Although I felt strange asking for more when I’d already been so blessed through my calling I tried it out. Everything was pointing to success.

Never in my life have I been as hurt or in so much emotional pain as I was when I found out the unexpected news. September 1^st I was at work when the pink started to show. I emailed Kurt that it didn’t work and then emailed my family the news. I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone. I didn’t want them to tell me how sorry they are and that it’ll happen someday. It didn’t work and I was wishing less people knew about the whole thing. Even my misscarriage seemed easier to take than this. What was I doing wrong? Why wasn’t I getting the desire of my heart? Staying at work was tough enough and all I got from Kurt was a pleading for me to go to 7 Peaks water park in Salt Lake that evening. I didn’t think I could go at a time like this.

 www.motifake.com demotivational posters

 When I got home I’m sure I yelled a few words of frustration. I’m sure Kurt was surprised at how upset I was. Google Chat doesn’t always share the feelings that accompany the words. I begrudgingly went in to the closet to change into my swimsuit. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I sat down and started to cry. All I wanted at that very moment was to hide in a corner and cover myself up with clothes and bawl my eyes out. I felt alone but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I sat there for several minutes eyeing the corner of my closet before I forced myself to stop crying and get moving.

I see now that 7 Peaks was another miracle in my life. Who would have thought a water park could heal the wounded soul. I’m so glad Kurt pushed me to go. Some how he felt it would be good for me to get the bad off my mind, and he knows twisty, curvy slides always put a smile on my face. Life is good.

I know the Savior heals more than just broken bones and blind eyes. He heals pain that cannot be seen. He comforts the weary and strengthens the weak. He carries us when we are heavy laden. We just have to be willing to accept and see it. All too often he works through other people, just as he saved my sad heart that day through Kurt.

On to round two with just a little more caution…

You should try...

I know that I am one of the worst for constantly telling my younger sister how to run her dating life. I mean I am an expert. I did marry the most dashing man around. That’s got to count for something right? When she asks, and sadly sometimes when she doesn’t ask, I willingly share my wisdom about how to get the right guy and keep him interested.

There are a lot of people who know just the perfect trick to having kids, just as I know how to find Mr. Right. I mean they do have kids and so they must be doing something right. Kurt and I are often the beneficiaries of such expertise. Over the years I’ve heard some pretty interesting “You should try” advice for getting pregnant.

1. Try drinking pure cream

2. Try to not eat white flour

3. Try not to run or exercise

4. Try to keep your weight in check because it’s harder for overweight women to get pregnant (so can I do this with #1?)

5. Try a progesterone patch

6. Try Chinese tea (Is this against the Word of Wisdom?)

7. Try abstinence for a period of time (maybe I don’t really understand how to get pregnant)

8. Try seeing a hormone doctor

9. “Try” when you see the vaginal mucus 

10. Try clomid

11. Try the HSG test to unblock your tubes

12. Try and unblock the bad energy that is keeping you from getting pregnant (I know I’m mental)

13. Try eating more soy, wheat and avocados

14. Try not thinking about it (this seems to be the advice for just about everything)

Pretty good list I would say. I have tried many of these fabulous ideas but I have to admit some just make me giggle. What do you recommend or what other fun things have you heard of? Maybe we can find the cure or just make a really long, yet entertaining list. 

Patience is a Virtue

“I used to pray for my patience to grow. Then someone told me praying for patience is exactly what brings the tribulations we receive in life. God answers our prayers for patience by sending situations that demand it of us. I wasn’t sure I believed exactly that, but I did quit praying for patience!” (God’s Word Day Upon Day: Devotions for Every Season of Your Life)

Before my miscarriage Kurt and I decided (well mostly me) that on my 30th birthday if we still did not have children or weren’t pregnant we would begin the process of adoption. My new favorite number was 30 and I wasn’t afraid of it. I actually began to look forward to it. We had about a year to prepare and it still seemed like a distance away.

I had believed through experience that though many women have a miscarriage it is only a matter of a few months that they get pregnant again. I miscarried November 7th or 8th (not sure the exact time. I was on a plane in the middle of the night). Kurt and I knew this was a good sign and everyone kept telling me what a good sign that was. My sister and several sister’s in law have had miscarriages and it seemed to only take them a few months to announce to us all again that they were indeed pregnant and a baby would come.

We again played the waiting game. Each month I counted the days to my next period. I would play the “I must be pregnant” game because of some new pain or some slight change in my cycle only to feel some disappointment when the blood began to flow. I even went through a couple pregnancy tests. If there is anything I hate more than mushrooms and cooked spinach it’s this anxious wait each month for the unknown to reveal itself.

I turned 30 April 19th of 2011. Instead of filling out the adoption papers and moving on, Kurt felt like there was still hope to have our own children and encouraged me to see the doctor again. I was just glad to try something more. After all we were deemed normal as far as my ovulation, and there wasn’t anything blocking my tubes, didn’t seem to have endometriosis and Kurt’s sperm count was “normal.” Why should two extremely normal and apparently fertile people have such a hard time at fertilizing an egg?

Kurt and me at my 30th birthday Murder Mystery

I didn’t want to see my doctor again. He made me feel like there was nothing more he could do so I called the fertility center in American Fork. They referred me to another OB/GYN in Murray to try Clomid and Artificial Insemination.

I didn’t know what AI was but clomid I had heard of. It was the drug my previous doctor had said I could try but said he didn’t think would help too much. I’m a pretty trusting person and if someone has an opinion where I don’t, I’ll usually take their word for it.

The next day I received a call from Doctor Terry’s office. I was feeling super excited as the nurse talked me through everything and recorded my information. I was super excited until she said I couldn’t see the doctor until the end of July! I would have to wait 3 months to see this new guy. I was pretty tempted to run back to my old doctor and ask him to do the new procedures I had just found out about. I decided to heed the fertility doctor’s advice and wait to see this “more aggressive” OB/GYN.

I had plenty to worry about and try to set my mind to: Girls camp, work, youth conference. What would 3 more months be to the 5 years I had already been waiting? This whole ordeal was teaching me something I never thought I would learn and still don’t think I have fully grasped, Patience.

The Nursery

No I'm not preparing some cute little room to be a nursery in my home. Actually the "big" news today is our 4^th and final attempt at Artificial Insemination failed. This probably isn’t the right time to be blogging but I wanted to share some of my thoughts.

I will write another day about my AI attempts. It’ll be super interesting (I’m sure you’ll be on pins and needles in anticipation), but today I really wanted to blog about my calling in the Nursery since it is Sunday and I just got home from church.

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we are all given callings, or assignments, to help serve in the church. For almost 3 years I was blessed enough to serve with the young women ages 12-18. I knew I would serve in YWs and have been told this in blessings since I was 15.

YWs became a part of my life. It became who I was. When people would ask if I had children I would say I have 25 daughters or whatever number there was at the time. They were on my mind, in my prayers and I worried about them just as though they were my own.

In July of this year I was released from serving as the YW President. I was sad but excited for my next opportunity to serve until they asked me to serve in the Nursery. I have always been taught to accept any calling you are given but didn’t the bishop know my desires to have kids? Didn’t he realize how unfair this calling would be? In a way if felt like a demotion to a babysitting job and I didn’t feel like it was fair that I had to watch other people’s children.

I was standing in my closet one day and the thought came to me “Isn’t the point of a calling to serve?” Serving in the church is an opportunity for me to learn and to strengthen my faith and love of my Savior and my Father in Heaven. I was being selfish to assume that only people with children should serve in nursery. Some people have a lot of kids; they would rarely get a chance to do anything else or grow in any other area if others didn’t serve them. I decided that I would take this as a new challenge. I didn’t know how to work with this age group but I was going to learn.

Now I love the nursery. Sure there have been a couple times when the kids are “jumping off the walls” and crazy but for the most part I have learned that these 3 year olds are smart. I’m learning to teach them and come home super excited when I give a good lesson on taking care of our bodies or being grateful for food. The best part is I’m learning to love them. I love how the kids are starting to warm up to me and talk, and I love hearing them pray, and I love helping them with a puzzle or read a book, I love the treats. I also love sending them home with their parents and coming home to a quite house, just as I did today. J

With Thanksgiving coming this week I hope the Lord knows how grateful I am that he knows me. I’m grateful that he knows what challenges will help me to grow. I didn’t know I would love the nursery but I do and I’m grateful that He would entrust me with such a sacred calling. I’m grateful that he knows my heartaches and pains and He knows that I am determined. 

My Three Miracles of a Miscarriage

It’s like waiting for the ice cream truck to drive by when you have a dollar to spend and he doesn’t come. He doesn’t come for such a long time that you stop waiting by the window. After an even longer time you stop perking up your ears to hear any jingling musical sound. 

After another year and a half of just waiting (because we weren’t seeing any doctor’s and I honestly didn’t know what the next step would be) I was marking my period start date on the calendar.  I’d gotten so used to marking my start dates from getting asked every time I went in to see the doctor originally that it just became habit. It was September 2010 and I realized there had been some time since the last time I had marked my period.  I counted the days and I was late by 20 days. I made a comment to Kurt about it and wondered frequently if by some chance I could have actually been pregnant.

28 days later as we were helping my little sister pack for a trip to Chile and then for her mission and my older sister and I were loading up our things as well, I was talking about how bad my PMSing was this month. My older sister asked if I was pregnant and I said no. But then I remembered I should be starting pretty soon and hadn’t. I snuck into my bathroom and used a pregnancy test. I remember it was a very strange feeling.

As I watched the lines slowly form into the resounding “Yes you are pregnant” I sat there emotionless. I didn’t know if I should tell Kurt. I didn’t know if I wanted to. I didn’t feel excited. I had been waiting over 4 years for this moment and now I felt nothing. I finally decided Kurt should know. I brought him into the bathroom and showed him the pregnancy test.

Kurt was super excited. He hugged me and then proceeded to tell me that just that evening while attending an activity with the youth in our ward another leader had with him his little boy. Kurt thought to himself how neat it would be to have kids. He never talked about it but the story made me realize that I wasn’t the only one with the desire to have kids.

We decided not to tell anyone about the news until after we were sure we were having a baby.  A day later I left with two other sisters to visit my parents in Santiago Chile. The trip was 10 days and the hardest of my life. I loved being with my parents but I wanted so badly to talk to Kurt about what was going on for us. I wanted to lay in bed and dream about what we were going to name it, what we wanted to do in the nursery and how this was going to change our family forever. I couldn’t even talk to him when we skyped each night since too many ears were near.

The Sunday we were to leave I started spotting.  I remember I would lay on my little cot each night and thank Heavenly Father that my breast were still so tender it hurt to lay on them. But the tender wasn’t as bad this day. No, No! I was filling with panic but didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I should tell anyone.  I was sitting on the couch just before heading to the airport after trying to call Kurt for the last time with no answer. My sister wrote a funny email that I was sitting on the couch bawling my eyes out and needing him to call me.  We’re pretty dramatic of a family.

We boarded the plane around 10pm.  (Just a side note that LAN airline is the coolest I’ve ever been on).  As I sat there the pain was mounting. I don’t know if I have ever felt that much pain in my gut before. I was trapped on the plane for another 8 hours. I got up and shuffled to the line to use the bathroom.

Miracle one-

As I was just nearing the bathroom line a male flight attendant asked if I needed to use the bathroom. I nodded and he said for me to follow him. We went around to the other side of the plane and just as that bathroom freed up he pushed me inside.  There was a line on that side too. I don’t know how bad I must have looked for such kindness, but I sat in the bathroom for a moment. I had already put “protection” in but had no pills to kill this ridiculous pain.

Miracle two-

I came out of the bathroom and found a stewardess. She only spoke Spanish and I didn’t know the word for miscarriage. I told her my tummy hurt very badly. She eyed me for a second and went and grabbed some hidden box out of the wall. She poured something into a cup and handed it to me (I have no idea what I took but I was desperate).  I drank it and then was handed a glass of water to wash away the after taste. I thanked her and went back to my chair. I could no longer hold back the emotion. I started weeping. How on earth could I break the news to Kurt? My sister thought I was laughing and started to giggle then noticed this was not funny. Of all the people to talk to (if I can’t have Kurt) she was perfect. She had already experienced several miscarriages and still had no children. She comforted me and I was able to sleep.

When the plane landed she found me some pills.

Miracle three-

On the next flight I couldn’t stop running through the reunion with Kurt in my mind. I still didn’t know how to tell him and the thought brought wet tears to my eyes.

It was like a movie you see where the couple runs to meet each other and they fall into each other’s arms.  Kurt picked me up, with my backpack and all, and squeezed me tight. When we got home I took him into the bedroom and shut the door. He looked at me and grabbed me and said “I already know.” I burst into tears and he made it all better.

He had thought from my sister’s email that I must be on the couch bawling because I had a miscarriage. It was a miracle to me because I didn’t want to say the words. The Lord showed He was thinking of me.

I used to say that I would rather have nothing happen than have a miscarriage but we decided that the miscarriage gave us hope that we could get pregnant.  We were sure it would happen.

Just the two of us

I don’t want the wrong impression to get out that I am sulking or complaining or sadden by my situation. Quite the opposite, I feel very happy and blessed. It amazes me how many different kinds of trials we are faced with in our short lives. Some strengthen ourselves, some allow us to strengthen and support others and then there are some we will forever question “Why?”


Ever since I was a little girl my favorite number has been 24. If I had to pick a number I picked 24. If you asked when I was getting married I said 24 (I’m sure it was much to the relief of my parents). Any ways you get the picture. I had my life planned out up to a point. I would go to college, serve a Spanish speaking mission for my church at 21, come home finish school, get married at 24, buy a Jeep Wrangler and have kids and be a mom. Not too shabby of a plan minus a few details.

So far everything has gone to plan. I was accepted to Brigham Young University and by my 21st birthday I had received my mission call to San Jose, CA Spanish Speaking. Sure there were a few bumps in the road up to this point and I was put in a position to question my going on a mission and getting married at 24. 21 was starting to look pretty good. But alas my original goal prevailed and the” handsome prince” that seemed to thwart my plan was engaged to someone else by the time I returned from California.

I returned to school and began dating other available young men (some a little too available). Finally after dating the dreamiest one of all for over a year he proposed just two months before my 25th birthday. There was still time to fulfill my 24 fetish and we were married 5 weeks later, 24 days before my birthday.

My little Daewoo that my dad had given me after returning from my mission was on its last leg. It had been hit in the front while parked by a Mexican man in a truck that I knew didn’t have insurance. I only had liability so I wasn’t going to get it fixed. After I got married my lover (who is also my husband) suggested we “trade” it in for the car I had always wanted. We were doing pretty well financially, with both of us working great jobs, and felt we could pay off a loan in less than a year. After a few weeks of searching we found the perfect colored, tough looking, great sound system Jeep Wrangler that we bought and I fell in love with. The Jeep made me feel cool.

I had every goal I had ever hoped or planned for except for my last one and I had only been married for about a year and a half. I was still sure it would happen. There was/is still time.

Kurt lost his job the month after we bought the jeep and has struggled at building his own contracting business. The construction business is such a roller coaster ride. I’m just glad I’m in a seat with my best friend. I had just started going to the OB/GYN to take a few tests and blood work to only determine Kurt and I are normal. I love telling people I’m normal who would beg to diff. What does normal really mean? Anyway with the loss of Kurt’s major income I stopped seeing the OB/GYN.

Kurt was already about as stressed as they come and I didn’t want to a pregnancy to make his heart sink any lower. We never tried to prevent it but I felt it was a blessing from the Lord giving Kurt a chance to get back on his feet. My last goal would have to wait.

I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse but I have discovered that most women have an inherent desire to have children. You can push it away as much as you want, or try not to think about it, but eventually it starts eating away at Hope and Fulfillment. It’s like a void that you don’t know how to fill.

Although I don’t have children yet (and I stress the yet), I am so grateful for all the many wonderful things in my life: A handsome man that supports and stands by me, A loyal and obedient dog that is getting pretty good at catching a Frisbee in flight, I live in a beautiful warm home that I can decorate however I want, I have a healthy body, really warm gloves for my hands, cars that run, great family on both sides, I see the Lord’s hand in my life, I still have hope and I feel very loved.