Come and Go

As we speak, I am currently helping two of my friends get through and incredibly hard break up.

This is hard for me, because I feel that in ways, I haven't gotten over my own. Break ups plain and simply, are tough. The aspect that hits you the hardest is watching someone walk away, knowing that you may never see them again...for a long time.

The person that you spent almost every living moment with is gone.

They may never speak to the voice that they fell in love with, or recognize the face they kissed countless times ever again.

When I broke up with my first boyfriend, I remember feeling as if he died, I felt that if I was mourning a loss.

When we visualize a break-up I think that often times we think of the whole "forget you" stage. That when you break up, you go burn everything in a fire, and push every memory of them out of your mind.

I spent three years with my boyfriend. So the "forget you" stage wasn't quite that easy, in fact, I haven't gotten past it yet. I don't think I ever will.

(I know....what am I thinking?)

In all honesty, I say omit the "forget you stage," gosh darn it, that was three years of your life.

How do you forget three years of your life?
You don't.

At three years old, a child should be able to say their name, catch and throw a ball, name colors, dress and undress themselves, and they are even able to use scissors.

Can you imagine, if you woke up one day, and couldn't do any of this?

You'd be lost.

Whether you were together for a week or 10 years, that person was meant to be in your life. God put them there for a reason. We commonly say that when two break up that they "weren't meant to be". This has never been so false.

They were meant to teach you something you couldn't learn on your own.

Our relationship wasn't a mistake, it was a miracle. I got to spend three years of my life loving an amazing human being. Our little infinity was perfect.

We weren't meant to work, but we were meant to be.

He hurt me, shattered my heart, and made me feel broken. But for the sake of every good memory before that, I will not forget him.

There was a time in my life, when I would run into things that reminded me of him, and I would break down into tears.

But why? When you look at childhood pictures, you don't cry.

Those objects were GOOD memories. This was such a happy time in my life. I now look at these same things and smile. I take a second to soak up the good memories, and move onward to even better.

I will never forget him. I think about him everyday even if it's just for a second. I even pray for him like I would my own friends. Knowing that he is happy, made the healing process easier.

Our lives were bettered by being together for the short time we were

People come and go, but they were always meant to be.


Here's some old pictures for fun.....good memories :)

Logan

Disappointment. It’s gone on my entire life. 

The downhill slope of things not working out....one after another.
It puts you in this hole where you feel trapped. You can’t get over feeling like a loser all the time. The feeling that in this life, you’ll never add up to anything. Days where I'd look at myself and wonder if I'd ever add up to be anything spectacular, and I'd deny it. It’s easy to see all the bad moments in your life when that’s all you are getting a taste of.

So one day, I wrote it all down.

Lined up my biggest highs and lowest lows like a cat lines up its mice after it kills them.

And somehow... they fit together.

It was like running a half marathon (I’d be the one to make this comparison). While you’re running , you realize that every uphill you run up, means that there is a downhill that same length on its way. Which makes the half marathon seem easier, because you know that after you push through an uphill, a downhill is coming. 

 I made the quick realization that this is how my life fit into this world.

God would throw these downs at me, then pull me right back up again. He rejected all these moments the first time, to put me somewhere else the next and I didn't realize it.

I hit a dark time in my life not too long ago. One that had me running uphill. I picked up everything I had known and loved, all to make my mark on something new. Leaving behind my team, friends, job, family, home, and school, with a broken heart.

I couldn’t imagine what was going through God’s head. Why me? I had done so much good, I had decided to go to college, I was working so hard and doing everything I was supposed to. I began doubting every decision I made. Why did I choose to break up with the man I thought I loved, or to move an hour away from all I’d ever known?

My answer?.....my downhill run?

Logan.

No it’s not a boy. (nice try) But an establishment. That during the lowest part of my life, is where I was closest to what I was truly meant to do. My ex boyfriend lived a block away, my family seemed a million miles away, I lived with roommates I didn't necessarily like, but that was when Logan became my safe place. God gave me Logan to write a new chapter but in my own words this time.

The first 3 weeks of living in Logan was raw. Where I was truly…..Jerra. I’d never felt so close to God in my life. It’s like I spent every day with him through that rough transition. He was right there every moment from then on. I’d get these weird feelings in my heart that allowed me to make all these huge decisions easily, like he was telling me the game plan all along. He made this plan where I was going to be pushed down to my lowest, to be sent here. 

Not even a month into living in Logan, I found myself sobbing as I hung the shirts of domestic violence victims on a wall.

God never told me how I would heal from falling, however, he gave me experiences that made me stand up what once hurt me. It was like he was patting me on the back this entire time, reminding me that this was my piece I was adding to this world. Although Logan was a place that took me farthest from my comfort zone, it quickly became my piece of heaven. 

Logan offered me so many aspects that filled my empty spots.

When I felt heart broken, I’d work in the center to bring awareness for those who felt the same. When I was upset, I had the ARC to run at. I had a family at the center, people I could go to for just about anything. I began playing soccer again, and gained a who new friend group.  When I just needed to get away, I was only a 10 minute run from the mountains.

I wasn’t leaving everything behind after all. I was finding a family of my own, friends of my own, and I made my own team. Here I wasn’t trying to impress anyone, or make my story perfect for someone else, I assembled this world all on my own.

Far from all of the troubles in my world was a safe haven.

Welcome to Logan.

Maybe IDK

This weekend was a good one for me. One that was so great that I had to pack my things as fast as I could and head to Logan before it got hard too.

On Saturday I took my little brother to the Jon Bellion concert, and it was an experience I will never forget. I got chills seeing my brother's face light up when his idol entered the stage. He waved his arms in the air, and sang the words of every song, and it was pure bliss seeing him so happy.

It was also one of those moments in my life where I felt God just threw a lesson in my lap. As I stood in a crowd of hundreds of stinky teenagers, the song "Maybe IDK" came on. At first glance, this song seems like a stereotypical song that a punk would listen to, but I quickly realized how much it relates to my life.

The words blared so loudly in those speakers it was as if God was telling me himself.

"Although I guess if I knew tomorrow
I guess I wouldn’t need faith
I guess if I never fell, I guess I wouldn’t need grace
I guess if I knew his plans, I guess He wouldn’t be God"

I heard this verse, and wiped a tear from my cheek.

I think for a long time, I've been trying to imagine what God has planned for me. I take every decision in my life and try to throw it into a scenario. Like I am playing guess and check with him. My professor was right when she said we'd use "if then statements" for the rest of our career.

If I went to church more, then maybe more people would want to be my friend. If I do all the work on this project, then maybe our group will get an A.

What happened to the girl that jumped in with both feet? What happened to following your heart?

I'm obviously not supernatural. I can't predict my future, so why do I worry about how it will affect me? It got me thinking, trying to find the meaning God was trying to get across.

The concert was close to ending, and my brother grabbed my hand, signaling that now was the time to leave before we got stuck in traffic. We ran through the crowds of people, and out the doors towards our car. However, we were too late and got stuck in parking lot traffic.

We sat there in that dark car as traffic came to a halting stop. Ethan had taken control over the AUX cord and was flipping through more Jon Bellion songs he wanted me to hear (there is never too much Jon Bellion for the two of us).

 All of a sudden, mid-song, he paused the music on his phone, set it down, looked at me and said,

"I'm glad that you jump into crazy things like this with me, I wasn't sure if it would be fun, but I had a really good time."

Gosh darn it God.
Stop it with the signs.

I tried to hold back the tears from welling. My voice started to crack as I went to reply to him.

"That is what life is about Ethan. Taking risks, jumping in with both feet, even into things that scare you or your not sure of. You never know what you' love in life unless you jump."

He nodded, pulled the cord out of his phone, and we sat there in silence for about twenty minutes. I couldn't believe how profound this night was, I just sat there in shock while the world stood still. I could no longer here the yelling of road rage outside, or the people stomping through the gravel.

It was a moment that I could feel God.

This was my sign, my green light in the intersection and it couldn't have been more clear. It's my time to yell "Geronimo" and jump without fear of what could happen.


So maybe I don't know,

and maybe that's okay.

Scars

I have scars all over my heart, scars that leave me scared.

This week has been an eye-opener for me, as I am getting back into the groove of college life. Which means...dating.

Dating right now is the valley on the other side of the mountain I have climbed. I stand at the peak, and I am unsure if I want to continue down again. Because going down again, means I might have to climb back up. I keep asking myself if it's worth the heartache.

What if he doesn't like me back?
What if he lies to me?
What if he hurts me?
 What if he's just using me?
and What if I fall so hard, that it hurts me again?

My heart has fixed itself after being broken and it got fixed back into a perfect rhythm. It's overcome heartbreak with scars to prove it. But these very scars are what scare me, for fear that they will reopen. I can still feel that same burning sensation of a scar reopening, and its frightening.

I finished climbing this mountain, and suddenly I'm faced with yet another challenge:

Dating with a scarred heart.

It's easily compared to learning to walk for a second time. Because the first time its done, when your 10 months old, your fearless. Now that you are learning again you realize what's there to make you fall once more.

I'm not that 15 year old anymore, where I lived in this state of invincibility. Where there was no way he'd ever leave me broken. Now I'm 19, where he left me broken. Now I'm trying not to open my heart when new guys try to work their way back in.

I can't always protect my heart or guard it because I'm worried it will happen again.

If I tried to block every guy that came barreling toward my heart, I wouldn't find happiness.

Instead, I have to wear these scars with ambition that I will one day find someone who will fix them all.

I can't change who will break my heart. But I have a choice in how my heart heals. With every broken heart, I can carry on knowing that it will one day be whole.

So here's to scarred hearts. One day we'll make it through this "dating world". One day we will look back and every scar will be worth it.

To My Big Sister

Katie,

From day 1, it's always been you. From school, to soccer, to our futures, to adulting, you've been the one to look up too. There hasn't been a day in my life that you haven't been there to show me the ropes. You teach me a little bit everyday.

From my perspective, we were meant to be in each others lives from the very beginning. In fact, God couldn't wait any longer to send me down, as I was the "unexpected" one. But it was destiny, I know in my heart we are this close for a reason. I laid in bed last night, and I thought about what was probably going through his head when he paired us up there in heaven. It was then that I pieced together a pretty good explanation.

You were sent here first, because he knew you'd be the one to figure this world out with ease. Then he sent me later on, because he knew you'd help me get to where I needed to be.

You'd be the one who'd stick up for me regardless. You'd be the one to let me eat lunch with you and your friends on my first day of Jr high because I didn't have any. You'd be the one that would teach me to wake board. You'd be the one to help me move into my first apartment on my own.

God knew that I'd be able to navigate this crazy world if I had you.

Now, let's get to the point of this.

I was completely honest with you when I say I look up to you. I admire so many characteristics about you. You have such a drive for life, a drive to get to where you need to be. When they say to "reach for the stars," you're beyond that, you're standing on this ladder you built yourself grabbing each star one by one. You're headstrong, stubborn, and you don't give up on anything you want bad enough. Let's face it, you set the bar high in this family.

Not too long ago we were sitting in the shed building a dog house, one you 'insisted' on building. I honestly thought you were nuts, I would have never thought of building anything like that myself. But you took on the challenge as if it was nothing. We sat there and you drew on the plywood where you wanted to cut, and you picked up this saw (this saw was freakin HUGE, the blade was super SHARP), and I asked you if you were scared, and you shook your head, laughed, and began cutting.

Your fearless, not afraid of much, and this is going to take you far.

I wish that God gave things to people that deserved it all the time, but as for you, this isn't the case. If God's decisions were based solely on what people deserved, you'd have the world in your hands. I wish you could see your worth from my eyes. I wish I could explain to you every detail that makes you perfect in this imperfect world.

I wish I could give you a one way ticket to nursing school.

Although I can't promise you any of this, what I can promise is that you will get there one day, and I am going to be here for you every step.

I may no longer follow in your footsteps, but I can't wait to walk side by side with you, and see where life takes you.

Love, Jer

Castaway

To be opened: August 12th 2016

Jerra,

Have you ever heard of a sinking ship?
Whether it is a teeny tiny hole in the bottom of a boat, or one that capsizes like the mushy gushy chick flick, Titantic.

Sinking.

Right now you feel far from it.

You've got your boat packed up, theoretically and literally, you're ready to shove your ship out into the ocean on your own, and there is nothing wrong with this.

Right now, you tell everyone that you don't think much will change when you turn 18.  Why would you want it to change when it feels like you have everything..? An amazing family, team, good friends, a cute boyfriend, an great job, every teenage girl's dream.

But promise me when it does...decide to change for the better....you won't be scared.

Your next chapter is only beginning.

Jerra, you don't know it yet, but your boat is going to hit rock bottom just a mile from shore. It's a hole that is going to feel too big to fix on your own. At first you're not going to like this new chapter, but you just have to trust me. I know it's unexpected, but you will to make it through this, I PROMISE.

Day by day, you're going to dump out bucket by bucket, the water that fills your ship, and I can't promise you that each bucket is going to be easy. But that isn't your time to throw up a white flag.

You are going to lose your compass, completely drop it in the ocean. Now you're lost, there's nothing here to point you in the right direction, that's when you just have to follow your heart. Even when it hurts.

While you sit there, stranded in the middle of the ocean, and you're going to look up into the sky, your world will feel as if it's stopped turning. But this earth will continue to turn just as slow as it did the day before. Keep going.

Your are so strong, I know you don't get told that everyday. These moments are going to show you just how much you can take. Your going to be stranded for a little while. But everyday, your going to pick yourself and learn something new. Not everyone makes it when they are stranded in the ocean alone, but you are going to THRIVE.

You're going to fix the bottom of that ship of yours, you are going to learn to fish, and tell direction from the stars above you. You're going to get out there in the ocean again, and find your own way around.

You'll travel from island to island and enjoy every minute. You are going to meet people from each one, and each one will teach you something different. You'll grow closer to the people that matter, and gain new ones along the way.

This is YOUR journey now, your the captain.

Love,
the person you are yet to be

Rocks and Doors

I believe in this world, we have a choice of what scares us. Choices that stack against us like a pile of rocks. Each rock resembling something in this world that we fear. A pile of rocks that sits pressed up against a door. A door that, eventually, becomes inevitable to open.

As an 18 year old girl, there are many things in this world that I am scared of being hurt by. 

I've been heartbroken beyond what I thought repairable. I've been alone, and far from home. I've been so confused at where I am, that my life itself gets confusing. I've been so distant from who I was that I didn't recognize who myself.

And I've seen these numerous rocks become dropped in front of the very door that was easy for me open daily.

Each rock piles on the other, and they overwhelmingly build up and up one by one.

.....and every once in a while, I have to crack the door open, and one will find its way through the tiny opening.

And it's scary.

It falls on your foot, cracks the floor, catches you off guard, goes bounding across the ground, and it frightens you so bad. That single rock is what makes you scared to open the door each time.

But if we never opened the door, we'd never realize what was on the other side. The fact of the matter is, to live our lives, we have to open our door all the time.

That if we were scared of every single rock on the other side of the door, it would be a door never opened.

Although we don't have a choice as to what rocks are going to fall through the door, or how many will fall, we have a choice of which ones we let hurt us. We have the opportunity to either open the door and cringe, or open it and embrace what's to come.

Whether there's one rock on the other side of the door, or many, the fear of opening the door because of what's on the other side is what keeps us from living our lives.

There are billions and billions of rocks in all shapes and sizes in this world to scare you, and if we let every single rock give us a reason not to open our door, what kind of life would that be?

My Own Kind of Fairytale

Before you read this, I am going to be completely honest with you. I have been on edge to write this for 7 months and counting. I have had way too much time of being so unsure of when or how I was going to sit down and get it all down. I have been increasingly nervous about what people would think, but I have come to the point in my life where I just don't care.

This is my story, and I get the choice of how it's written.

Most people look at love like some kind of fairy tale. A fairy tale where you fall in love with the "love of your life" and instantly everything just works out. You ride off into the sunset on this gigantic horse and buggy, live in a castle, and start a family. No trial, no error, no heartbreak, no finances, no fights, not a care in the world.

Although this seems like such an ideal way to live, I don't know if it's my way.

If you would've explained to me at 4 years old in my princess dress, crown, and slippers that I was going to fall in love with a man I would never marry, I would've looked at you like a lost puppy. But I wish I could tell that little girl that there was so much more than finding a prince charming, but loving yourself.

I did find someone I loved, and now I don't even know him. 

I wanted to marry him, run off into the sunset where our worlds were supposed to be perfect.

But now I hope I never find someone I love more than I loved him. 

Before you think I am crazy, let me tell you why.

He was the love of my life. I commonly said that he was my whole world. I was right, my whole world revolved around him. When he was upset, so was I. I spent every waking hour of my day trying to make him happy. 

He was the love of my life, the ying to my yang, my whole world. And I have never been so wrong in my whole life.

My whole world was the 5 people at home that put me right under their wings when everything hurt. My whole world were my co-workers that pulled me in for a hug when they had no idea I needed one. My whole world were the teachers I had at school who would break their back to get me where I needed to be. My extended family that was always there to make me feel like a million bucks.

The loves of my life were my parents, teachers, friends, co-workers. All of these people that loved me more than I could ever love them.

I was spending so much time trying to make him happy, that I wasn't happy myself. My whole world revolved around him, when it should have revolved around not only myself, but the people I loved.

I don't regret the three years we spent obsessing over each other. The hours we spent together just doing nothing. All the times he made me feel so loved and taken care of, when he would engulf me in huge hugs while I cried my eyes out. He gave me a best friend. I am grateful for our little slice of life we got together.

I'm not mad at him. I hope that he finds happiness throughout the rest of his life. I want what's best for him, and to this day, I will be here for him.

But he taught me who meant most to me in this world. After I lost him, I learned to love myself.

Every detail about myself. From the way I woke up dedicated to run every day, to my passion for school, and how I could somehow look at an extremely negative situation and still find a reason to smile. I have so much to offer this world. When the lamp tilted to shine on me, I found so much about myself I hadn't seen before.

As for my happy ending, I hope I find someone who continues to teach me the little things I have to love about myself. I hope that he realizes that I am not the only love of his life. That in this huge world, full of things to love, he loves so much more than just me. That we disagree, we go through hard times and we learn from them.

and this, would be my happily ever after.

"OK"

As I lay here...it's nearing around midnight and I can't sleep.

I have a million thoughts surging through my head that I don't necessarily want to forget.

Something I found a little strange is that at the end of 2016, I had many ask me personally,

"How was your year?"

There's just one word that comes straight to mind with every response

"ok"

Anyone that would hear that would automatically assume that something was wrong with my year.

"What do you mean?"

"It wasn't great?"

"But didn't college make it one of the best years of your life?"

My answer to these. It's simple. That just because my year wasn't superb, doesn't make it unmeaningful.

And I'm "ok" with that.

Although it was my hardest, this year taught me so many more lessons than any other year in my life.

One being that I don't have to hide my hurt. I don't have to pretend that my life was perfect when I was hurting.

When your a little baby, one of the lessons you learn at about 6 months is object permenance. (Yes I actually paid attention in psychology) Object permenance is that understanding in your little brain that when objects disappear, they don't actually go away.

One way that doctors can see this development is by putting an object under a blanket where its not visible and observing the baby to see if they look for it or make the realization that its not actually gone.

In 2016, I had to make this realization too.

That when I decide to cover up my hard times they won't disappear. Part of being human is hurting and going through trials that are so hard. But letting them shape us.

Hiding all this hurt behind my back wasn't going to get me anywhere.

Anyone can fake a smile, keep their chin up, and hold their head high, when deep down their dying.

When no one's watching, do you walk with such confidence?

There are so many people out there that can understand what were going through better than we can ourselves. Bottling it all up to make an image would just be cheating out ourselves.

So going back to object permenance. I made the realization that I can't just make things disappear by throwing them under a blanket and walking away.

I had to let these struggles shape me.

They say that to be strong, you have to "look fear straight in the eye", and I believe it. There were times this year where I wasn't really sure what to do, so I threw things under a blanket.

Then I realized that I didn't want them to hurt me anymore.

So I tackled them head on.

If life's challenges don't scare you, chances are your not doing it right.

We have two options in this life. We can choose to hide objects, or pull them out and face them.

Because I chose to face these harsh realities, its been a year of finding Jerra.

The Jerra now is THRIVING, I'm thriving not because I faked my way to the end. But because I didn't run away from what scared me.

So 2016, you were indeed "ok", and I'm proud to say that.