My Decade

Everyone did the decade challenge around new years and I am bummed that I have been so busy with school and pushed off doing mine. I love this so much because over the past ten years I have grown sooo much! I wish I could tell that 11 year old ten years ago what her life would be now...she would be so proud.

*happy tears*

Here we go:

2010

I started Jr. High. I remember my first year of junior high, it was an interesting one. I didn't have many friends and was a little shy (much more shy than I am now). I ate lunch with my older sister and her friends every day. I had a few friends but not anything crazy. Was slowly discovering what it meant to be a friend and have best friends. (As I played football with the boys all up until this point) I remember panicking when my locker partner started her period and wondering when that horrific thing would happen to me, so that was fun. I was still playing soccer, I had started singing for the Jr. High choir, and was in my first drama class.

2011

I started Jr. High track. I think this was the year that I really began to discover what I liked. I made it into an upper drama and choir class, and began running track. I was a happy little camper with all three of those too. I had never really ran competitively, but I ended up LOVING it (and I wasn't half bad). I had wondered how I had missed a whole year of track my first year, as I loved it so much. This was also my parents first year of track and they loved watching. My friend group was definitely starting to grow now too. It probably tripled from this year to the last.

2012

Something that you should know from reading my blog is that when I love something...I pursue it... and I don't look back. The summer of this year I FOUGHT my parents to let me run cross country as a freshman still in Jr. High. I remember the coach (who I now consider one of my closest friends) had convinced me at a school 5k that I was good. So I was convinced that I'd be decent on the team. After much trial and tribulation with my parents, they finally decided they'd make it work (and found me a carpool to get me there). Little did they know I'd run in a varsity position most of that year (jokes on them). Cross country altered my life in so many ways and still does. It gave me a large love and passion for running, and I wouldn't want to know what my life would be without it. The cross country team was the first place where I felt I fit right in. I also gained so many "older friends" from the team. I loved walking the Jr. High halls and saying I was friends with high schoolers thinking I was pretty badass.

2013

I fell in love.

This is a hard one for me to write. As this relationship would be one that would change my life. At 15, I claimed to everyone that I would never...and I mean ever...have a boyfriend. Then I met Kaden, and he flipped my world upside down. Something I realize now, looking back, is that Kaden fit into my life like the last puzzle piece. We clicked so well. He was truly my best friend. My life was great before him, but it was like the volume turned up two notches when he entered. I was just happy as a clam. Many ask me if I would relive these moments. I wouldn't want to relive them, but I would love to go back and see that happy little innocent 15 year old. He taught me what it felt like to be loved, to have someone that cares about you unconditionally, and someone that would stop the world to spend time with you. I'm grateful for every day I had with him and I wouldn't take it back, ever.

2014

I lost my grandpa. One of the few men in this world that raised me from newborn up, the man that held my mommy the day she was born. This was a tough year for my momma. I don't really think the unfairness of death had hit me until this year. Watching my mother lose her daddy left me feeling so unsure about life. I remember trying to imagine life without my daddy and just not knowing how to wrap my head around it. I ran the homecoming torch in on the day he passed and it was a sentimental day for us all. He will always be someone that I will never want to forget. We talk about him a lot, and he has changed a lot of our views on family. Along with this, my brother got in a pretty catastrophic accident in Logan canyon, a collision that killed the other driver. This year taught me to hold my family close, because in  the blink of an eye they could be gone.

2015

I became editor of the school newspaper. This was also such a good year in Jerra's life. I was the leader for everything that I loved. I loveedd writing and being a part of the newspaper staff gave me a whole new group of friends. This was also a time where I was at the school basically all the time (and I loved it) I had this cute boyfriend, was editor of the school newspaper, on student council, and captain of the cross country and track team. As my mom would put it I had "my hands in everything". This hasn't changed one bit.

2016

Holy Hannah. I have three things for this year.

1. My internship. All through high school I bounced through different career paths. (mostly in the medical field). I remember my mom mentioning to me once that I should try teaching, but I pushed it off. I then found myself in my last semester of school with lots of extra credits. I was not in the mood to start another college class, so I signed up for an internship with Kaden's mom in a kindergarten class. Where this idea came from...I will never know. But this would define my life. I learned how much I loved those littles. They slowly worked their way into my heart. Helping them read really hit me, and I realized that I wanted to be someone that changed those little lives for a long time.

2.  I graduated high school. There's not much to say about this one. I knew I'd graduate, it's just a big life step so I figured I'd include it.

3. I got my heart broken/moved out of the house/started college. Yowza. You may be asking why these are all not separate things. Well, because they all happened within one week. I look back on this week during my hard days, and remind myself that if I could make it through something like that...that I can do anything. I went through some pretty severe trauma, that still affects me today. I thought it would go away, but it has only slowly faded away. If I were to use a word for this time it would be: broken. I like to think that I am a naturally happy person, but at this point in my life, I was just floating. I was barely staying awake through one hour classes, going home in between classes to cry. I was in therapy once a week. Not eating enough, crying myself to sleep. And well, I was just coasting to keep myself afloat as best as I could. 

But every day I got up again and again. Life is remarkable in that way. I made it through something I thought I would die from. I wish I could hold that 18 year old. I wish I could squeeze her when she cried and tell her that she was going to make it out and she was going to be okay too.

2017

I moved on with a broken heart. One of the last days of 2016 was my last therapy session.I got rid of all the pictures we had together, hoodies, posters, jackets, etc. So this year I started clean. I feel that I began 2017 with my head held a little higher. I had a little fuel in my fire. I tried to date again and again, and I struggled. I tried to forget the fact that my ex had forgotten about me.I would have to say that this was the hardest year of them all because everything really set in. One day I will never forget is while going to pick up Ethan from wrestling with my daddy, someone sent a picture with Kaden and his new girlfriend and I panicked and lost it in his Jeep. He got out the car and hugged me and we went and got ice cream that night (he is such a good dad).

On the bright side of all this, I also had just began working at the Center for Women and Gender. I helped organize 2 sexual assault campaigns, and a domestic violence campaign. These times changed my life in so many ways. I learned so much from the center, each of the women I worked with taught me to hold my head up and not let anything hold me back. Three strong women that became my models in life when I needed it most.

2018

I got into the teaching program! First of all, let me tell you how hard it is to get into the USU teaching program. It's death. I cried to my mom lots and lots. It took me three times to pass the PRAXIS and I got to know the test proctor very well. But I loved the teaching program as soon as I was in it. For the first time I was taking classes I enjoyed. I also started my first level of student teaching this year in a 1st/2nd grade class. This year however, I began to gain some serious self-confidence. I was realizing how much I was capable of and that I could do more than what I was doing. I applied for student government, interviewed, and made it! I got my first college 4.0. If I were to put a word with this year it would be driven. Like I did in high school, "I had my hands in everything" and I excelled and loved it.

2019

I ran my first marathon. Never thought I'd ever make that statement (especially so soon) but here we are! After a rough break up that little fire in my soul decided to fuel a dream. I have always wanted to run the Boston Marathon, so I figured I would give it my first go. I trained endlessly for about 7 months. Let me tell ya, marathon training ain't no cup of tea. It took a lot out of me, but taught me so much about myself. I never thought I was capable to do a marathon, but not once during my training did I really doubt myself. I just wanted it so bad. The whole night before my marathon I cried, threw up, and barely slept. I really knew by then that I wasn't going to qualify for Boston. However, I went out the next day and KILLED IT anyway! All the pain that people told me I would have wasn't as bad at all! I completely surprised myself. It was a life changing experience for sure. (PS. I am still chasing that good ole' Boston don't you worry)

2020

*shriek* I'M GRADUATINGGGGGG. Let me say it louder for the people in the back, TWO DEGREES BEFORE 22. I hate to be not humble, but I have worked so hard for this moment and I deserve it all. These past two semesters I have busted my bottom. I got to student teach three amazing classes of kids and I fell in love with each of them. (I look at my class pictures every night and point to each of their faces and cry). All the times I thought I was unsure about my degree were proven wrong. I love my majors, I love all the kids, I love it all. I can't wait to be a teacher!

Also, my sister gets married this year. This cracks me up, because everyone clearly stated that I would be the first one to get married, but those suckers didn't know what was coming. I'm seriously so happy for Katie, and I'm gaining a new brother in law that treats my sister like a queen. Here's to lots of wedding planning...save us all. Welcome to the fam Greg, you already fit in pretty well.

Here's to what's to come, as I am sure there is much more that I don't know on its way!

I HOPE YOU DANCE

Wowza, the last time I wrote on this blog I was feeling very enthusiastic about school.

Don't get me wrong...school is going great, but my life has been a roller coaster ride. Full of many large ups and some downs here and there.

But along with completing my level three program (two semesters in one...thee hardest semester I will ever have), I started a new, real job. The fact that I am doing these at the same time is exceeding my expectations.

Last week however, I hit a breaking point. Had a tough day of work, as I was finishing up some heavy training. I was assigned my first client to be on my own with. And on my way home from work, I got pulled over.

Right then, I felt like quitting my job, dropping out of school, and working at some place easier.

 Never, have I ever had these thoughts. 

I think at that point, I had just come unglued after having struggled thee entire day.

So I did what Jerra's do, picked up the phone and called my momma to cry to.

I continued to cry all the way home. Just feeling defeated and emotionally drained from life altogether. And the song "I Hope You Dance" came on, and it just spoke to me.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance.
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'

These are things my mommy told me when I was nervous for my driving test, when I was scared to ride my bike without training wheels, or learning to wakeboard.



To not be scared. And to never settle for the easy path because it's easy.

Maybe people who achieve greatness are always scared, and apart of being great is being in a place that scares you. To take risks with a little bit of fear, but a whole lot of confidence.

I thought that being scared ended when you were 12 or so, but being scared is a part of life.

I realized that dropping out of school and quitting my job were things I wanted to do because I was scared, not because they are impossible.

It's time that I embrace that fear. I recognize that I am scared, but that I am not going to let that be the deciding factor in my life's decisions.

Fear goes away, if you continue to face it head on, it will go away.
But regret doesn't. You will always regret the things you didn't do because you were too scared to do them.



So I hope you dance. 

I hope you dance when your scared, when it rains, and when your all alone.

I hope that when you fear you've forgotten your routine, you lace up your shoes anyway, and you make it up as you go.

and when you get the choice, to sit it out...or dance....I hope you dance

Full Circle

It's been a few months since I last updated this....so here's one.

Every time I felt my life wasn't working the way I thought I had planned it to be, my mom would say:

"Just wait, it will all work out."

I think its hard to be patient when your in the dark and feeling like everything is going wrong. Not knowing when better times will come makes you grow impatient. But this summer has proved to me that everything I have been working towards is slowly making it's way.

At the beginning of the year, I decided to quit my job at the Gap to try something new (and get some more hours so I can graduate with ZERO debt 😀)

I got a dream job working on a summer school program for school aged kids. I interviewed, got the job, and was more than excited to start.

This has been something I have been working towards for three years, so I walked in thinking it would be easier than it was. Not going to lie....the first few weeks of having 25 kids to yourself full-time is NOT EASY. I struggled, but with every struggle, these kids grew their way into my heart. I am slowly approaching the day I will have to leave them to go back to school and I am not too enthusiastic about that.

The other day, one of my students came up and tugged on my shirt, looked me in the eyes and said:

"Miss Jerra, I'm glad you decided to be a teacher."

Those 5 year olds just know how to hit the heart strings.

I'm so grateful for these little experiences that have just been thrown in my path that allow me to learn, and love what I do. All my schooling has gotten me so far, and that's such a good feeling. (Only 3 semesters left!)

You look at life a little different when you get to see it through the eyes of kids with different families, backgrounds, ethnicity, and even religion. Makes me excited to be a parent one day (in the very very far future).

I remember someone telling me that your younger years are the best years of your life and I beg to differ. Every year I've had in college has gotten better and better.

I'm in this phase in life where I LOVE where I am at now with going to school, being involved on campus, and working my butt off. But I am also so so excited for future. I can't wait to have a classroom of my own and be able to afford nice things for myself as well. 😜

Here's to some even greater journeys to come, student teaching, graduating, moving back to Hooper, and maybe falling for someone. 😉

Until next timmmeee.

you were good to me

My little brother sent me this song super late last night. And I stared at my white ceiling listening to it. It brought a lot of things back.

All these little moments where I felt like someone was good to me came loose, and the lyrics spoke to me.

Leaving people behind in your life is gut wrenching. Pushing people behind you that once made you feel whole.

I feel like this song hits all of those feelings. 

"Leaving, isn't better than trying

Growing, but I'm just growing tired"

I remember feeling guilty leaving relationships because I felt that I could have tried harder to make them work. But I am...growing tired of leaving people.....and being left.

There's a growing fear, that because so much hasn't worked out, that it never will. (never thought I would say that as a twenty year old)

"Now I'm worried for my soul

And I'm still scared of growing old
You were good to me
You were good to me, yeah
And I'm so used to letting go
But I don't wanna be alone
You were good to me"

A fear that maybe all the times I left someone....I could have tried harder and it would have worked.

Maybe I am the one at fault all this time.

I am sure I am not the only one that has felt this way. 

Love sucks.

Some people just get it easy, it just comes to them the first try.

and some people have to struggle through it.

I have decided that I am one of many that was meant to struggle with dating and love. It wasn't meant to come easy for me and instead of being upset about it I need to be grateful. 

I often think of the quote "I am thankful for my struggle, because without it, I wouldn't have stumbled across my strength." My trials have made me strong, and molded me closer to the person I truly am. 

Every guy I have gone through has reminded me what I loved about myself, and what I don't love.

Maybe every person I date from now on is a stepping stone to the person I truly am, and the person I will spend the rest of my life with. 

Just because they were good to me, doesn't mean they were made for me.

God has bigger plans for me.

Until next time...

Triple Beam Balances

I feel like we all go through those times where you just hit a week of crumbyness.

This is my week.

Boston marathon times got raised, my brother dislocated his hand, forgot to turn in a homework assignment (this is the end of the world for me), spring break ended, got friend zoned, got my scholarship application rejected because I didn't fill out 1 box, I have laundry that needs folding, my room is a mess, I have been living off nothing for two days because I have had no time to get groceries.....I am just emotionally wasted.

After I cried to my mom 6 times over the span of 2 days, I said a prayer to God in hopes that it would get better.

I don't understand why bad things have to happen one after another. 

I laid on my bed this afternoon about as frustrated as I could be. I stared at the ceiling, and tears welled in my eyes.

As I laid there, I heard arguing from my roommate next door. 

*sidenote* no I am not a snoop, it was very loud

She was yelling at her mom.

I don't know, I think we all have those moments in our life where we snap like a glow stick and realize that we screwed up.

I quickly found myself on my knees next to my bed, my hands together, and I said my second prayer today.

"Dear Heavenly Father,"

"I take it all back. It is better. You don't need to make it better, you don't need to put things in place for me. Can you just keep it the same?"

"I love my mom and she loves me, and she is my best friend. I love my daddy, I love my sisters and my brother. And I would rather die than for you to take them away from me."

"Thank you for all the things you've done right, I love you God."

I walked home from work tonight and the A was just shining as bright as I have ever seen it.

I analyzed my life on this walk. 

I thought about the worst thing I had been through. My worst trial in the world. As soon as I thought about it, I found myself pitying myself. Telling myself that I had been through something terrible, and that it makes me deserving of something better.

But this isn't true. 

I am a firm believer that a lot of us think this way. We take some of our hardest times in life and let them devour us whole. We cry about them, worry about, lose sleep over them, and we pity ourselves.

I decided today that instead of focusing on the 1 thing that pulled me under, to focus on the ten things that kept me afloat during that time.

I realized on my walk home that every bad in this world is outweighed.

Remember those triple beam balances in jr high science class that you use to measure things?

Well....you put the thing you are trying to measure on one side, and your weight measurements on the other and you use those weight measurements to find the right measurement. 

This is how are hard times work.

As I was busy being upset about the Boston qualifying times changing (my 1 lb burden), I failed to see the weight measurements that were evening out that burden.

6 ounces - My mom was there to hear me cry over the phone. To tell me it will all work out. I am grateful to have a mom that I love, one that I can trust, and one that is my best friend.

4 ounces - As I am sitting in my office, my Logan mom and Sarah walk in to give me a laugh. I have a job I love. I have coworkers that care so much about me. That pick me up, give me advice, and would break their backs to make my day better.

2 ounces - USU. Doesn't take much to walk the campus of USU and realize how lucky I am to be able to go to college. I have a family here. I love my Logan life. I love my home.

2 ounces - Health. I am not sick. I am not confined to a wheelchair or a hospital bed. I can be completely independent, and I am lucky to say that.

2 ounces - The gym. This sounds completely cliche. But if you know me, the ARC is my place of comfort, and I am so grateful to have somewhere to go to take out all the pain I may be experiencing. Some people don't have places that make them feel this way. I am grateful.

So yes. These past two days have been full of tough times. But how these rough times will effect me is all determined by which side of the balance I look at.

Sleeping in the Stars

On October 24th, I was told my grandma had only two weeks to live. It came as a complete shock to my entire family; kidney failure, a tumor the size of shoe box, and a heart three times too big. My grandma has always been healthy...and that she has been that way since I have known her.

But she shocked us, the last two months of her life was a roller coaster, as she continued to exceed any expectation that was set for her. She's a fighter, yet shows no signs of it.

Grandma,

Oh how I can still just hear your voice. I can feel your body crushing hugs and the sound your shoes made when they scooted across our hardwood floor. It doesn't feel like your gone.

I miss the popsicles we ate on your back porch, that big swing you had in front of your house, I miss your hidden mints, and your stinky fish pond you made me clean. I miss you teaching us to cross stitch those ugly kitten patterns, I miss your love for the cabin.

I was right there with you your last moments, and I just hope and pray that you knew it.

You taught me how to work hard, and that hard work was uncomfortable. I remember the task of cleaning the fish pond.....we always thought you were punishing us by making us clean it. I remember telling you "IT STINKS!" and you just said "Oh, it's not that bad!" I know you didn't enjoy the smell either, but not once did you make that obvious. You were ALWAYS happy, I think that you had unhappy moments, but you were so good at convincing yourself that they were happy.

I miss going to church with you. You loved to sing, and you were so good at it. One day I was sitting in the pew with you, and you snuck me a sucker and taught me how to conduct from the back of the hymn book. (No I am not good at being a chorister....your funeral was a prime example of that). My most vivid memories of you were spent at church. You wanted more than anything to make us better, you wanted us to love God as much as you did. Until the day you died, you stood by your beliefs.  I hope he has his arm around you right now.

I miss sitting in your front room and just talking with you. We snuck lifesaver mints from your tin jars. You would hide them from us for your own entertainment. The common theme of our conversations was "Are you dating anyone yet?' You wanted us to find love and be happy so much.

I miss your love for Utah State. You would tell me about being in the honor college and being a resident's assistant for the honors dorms. And you were a teacher.....just like me. I walk this campus now and I feel you...everywhere. This is where you found what you loved to do. My heart is full knowing that I am following in your footsteps. What an example you are.

On your last day, you were still you. You were a fighter. I remember when my mom left the room for just 5 minutes and I just sat there with you and held your hand. Those same hands that taught me to sew, to garden, that reached to give me a hug, those hands once held my daddy when he took his first breath. How I didn't want to let them go.

Grandma, you were the beginning of a legacy. And this legacy will live on.

I was LUCKY to be your granddaughter. You brought me here. My middle name is yours too. You are the reason I am who I am today. My kids will know about you.

I'm going to finish that cabin, and I promise I will keep it there. I promise.

I hope you never forget how much I love you.

Love,

Your Little Rabbit.

Reopening

Our first trip out boating every year we go in May. For those who don't go boating often, during May, the water is still prettyyy darn cold.

As soon as we push out the boat, the four of us kids sit on the edge dipping our toes in to see if its cold. Some of us throwing on our wet suits (*cough* Katie and Ethan). 

My dad will get us out in the middle of the lake and then yell "who's in first?" We all look at one another and play this game of "Ethan you go first, Jerra you go first" as we stand on the edge of the boat peering into the ice water.

It takes about 10 minutes for one of us to jump in first, but quickly we all follow suit afterwards.

As the season goes on, the shorter the time it takes for us to jump in. It goes from 10 minutes, to 7 minutes, to 5, to jumping out of the boat before the engine is even turned off. 

As I sat in 10 degree weather this morning waiting for the bus to come, I couldn't help but think of boating. How so badly I wanted to be on a freaking boat instead of freezing like a popsicle.

But as that thought was passing, another one was running parallel to it. 

Opening up my heart again. 
I'm scared out of my mind that I am going to continue to get hurt the more I do it.

So you know me,

I had to make a comparison of the both of these thoughts.

Instantly I could see how my heart easily compared to the way the 4 of us are afraid of the cold water. 

Recently I got to the point where I didn't think I could handle ever opening up myself to anyone...ever again.

Here I am, standing on the edge of the boat, slowly dipping in my toes and its cold. That fear comes on just by dipping my toe in. It all comes flooding back. "What if I get hurt again? Am I sure about this?"  It's hard to jump in when you know what the water may feel like.

I look back at my family and maybe some friends, and they all tell me to jump...but I am scared.

After 10 minutes of telling myself it will be okay, (aka much longer in reality) I gain the courage to jump. I panic as the cold water hits hard...but I come right back up. And I realize it wasn't so bad after all.

It gets easier and easier every time you jump. You jump off quicker and quicker until it's just second nature.

So don't let the cold water scare you from opening up.

Oldie but a Goodie