Musings After Midnight

I seem to have my days and nights mixed up.  Could be stress.

Could be that I was let go from my job last Monday, (like we couldn't see that one coming?).

Could be the unspoken pressure from you know who regarding finances.

Television after midnight is tres stupide.  The Investigation Discovery channel which I have renamed the Poorly Written Thespian Endeavors of crimes no one cares about channel.

Or, oh!  The Brazilian Butt Lift!  I MUST watch that one evening when I'm feeling particularly suicidal. Or Fat.

The Jeffersons!  Who doesn't love the Jeffersons?

Why is CSI: Miami on so many times?  It's one of the worst shows ever!

On the other hand I have seen "Lars and The Real Girl" which is super sweet plus has Ryan Gosling all the time. (Hubba, hubba)

I am floundering around trying to figure out which direction my future may be headed.

Do you think I'll ever get my life figured out?

It Only Takes A Few Minutes

Tonight I received a call from a relative who requested I check on her mom for a medication issue.

This resident is self-med.

She's been in our facility for about 4 days.

She's awesome.

In her nineties.

One of the first ever BSNs in the 40's.

I spent several minutes talking to her as she described her frustration with her new phone which did not work.

The phone did work.  The number she had for her daughter was somewhere in Mexico.

I figured that out, changed to the local area code and made her day by getting her in touch with her daughter.

Just when I wonder why I am a nurse, something so simple makes me remember.

I treated this woman with respect, did not assume she'd "lost her marbles" (her term) because she was over 90, and spent several minutes figuring out what she needed at that moment.

I made her night plus she said I had convinced her not everyone who works at my facility was an idiot.

I call that success.

It made my night.

Give Peace A Chance

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Back in the stone age, when I was in high school, I would have never believed the Berlin Wall would come down or that the war in Northern Ireland would end.

Both of these events happened.

I believe if we have conviction and take action that peace across the world is a very real possibility.

I believe there are methods to solve conflict without violence.

I believe if mothers ran the world, there would no longer be war.

I'd like to believe no mother would sacrifice their children intentionally to violence but suicide bombers and fanatics tell me differently.

Most mothers prefer to be able to watch their children grow up.

As the mother of a U.S. soldier and a child who died as an infant I strongly suspect the vast majority of mothers want to protect their children and families with peace in the world.

I envision a world where the only war is a war that would fight to ensure no child goes to bed hungry and has clean water to drink.

A world where children have no need to scrounge in dumps for food and live in vermin free dwellings.

These are some of the very reasons I feel the Peace Corps in an incredible program that promotes peace through education and respect for all cultures.

I believe in people caring for people.

What do you believe?

Up to Date

None of my job interviews went anywhere.

I am still stuck at my not so fun job.

I'm seriously considering the Peace Corps.

I'm 51, how many chances will I have to go out and see the world?

I've never left North America.

My spouse is completely against joining the Peace Corps himself so I'd go by myself.

That intrigues me.

The idea of being on my own for the first time ever entices.

Maybe I'd hate it.

Maybe I'd love it.

It's a 27 month commitment.

48 days of vacation to travel to wherever.

To anywhere so NOT America.

To be able to do some good in the world.

I don't mind the idea of unplugging at all.

I'd still have books.

I've began my application but need to finish the essays.

I also need to to read all the legal stuff.

Any thoughts?

My God Must Be Groucho Marx

I have heard some people say God has no sense of humor.

They have not met my God.

My God has a sense of humor.  He pranks me all the time.

It's my facetious explanation for the ups, downs, and surprises in my life.

Every now and again when something unexpected happens, I look around for the rubber chicken.

Otherwise, WTF?

I sat in a staff meeting today while my replacement was introduced.

Was it embarrassing?

You bet your life!

Was it humiliating?

You bet your life!

Was it educational?

You bet your life!

I learned my lack of political savvy has left me in the dust.

My replacement is 24, very pretty, and can play to the upper management and the crowd equally well.

My problem is that I hate the game.

I hate pretending to like Barbie (the marketer).  Pretending to like Barbie is not as easy as it sounds.

She's so faux, it takes all my strength not to gag every time she utters another two faced lie.

Every time she tells someone her car is her baby, I want to puke.

I hate the part of healthcare care that is making profits off of someone's illness or inability to take care of themselves.

I have a very hard time trying to justify a care fee increase of $900 a month to a family that already pays over $5 grand.

I like taking care of people, I don't care about the profit margin.

The harsh reality is that health care is a for profit business.  Especially the long term care health industry.

I am actually glad I am not the RCC anymore.  I am pissed about the reduction in pay but I realize how much bull shit I won't have to wade through.

I don't have to be the DNS's personal bitch.

I also learned this job switch must have ben planned for well over a month by some of things that were said today.

I have learned I cannot trust the DNS, the RCC, and other management.  They lie.  I'll remember that.

Will I continue to take excellent care of my residents?

You bet your life!

That Greek Guy

Sisyphus.

Yeah, that guy.

I feel like him.

It's been a rough year.

Family wise, career wise, midlife wise…all the wises and then some.

I realized I've been battling depression since 1996.

Damn, that's a long time.

I even got off all the meds for a year and then McArmy joined the army and my anxiety/depression decided I was never going to get that boulder to the top of the mountain.

I feel as if my life is kind of over.

By this I mean, what exactly do I have to look forward to? (Hush you grammar Nazis!  I know I should not end my question with to.)

I am a woman without a clear direction.

A compass-less sailor.  (Yeah, I'm loving the metaphors today)

When I ask people in their fifties what they look forward to, they typically answer grandchildren or retirement or walking off into the sunset with their spouse.

The only way I could see retirement is to win the lottery and then go around the world helping those less fortunate.  Kinda like the Gates foundation with less money and less fame.

Hanging out 24/7 with the spouse would kill us both.  To be brutally honest we don't have common interests except for our kids, the dog, our shared lives, and our communal hatred of the right wing political party.

Grandchildren would be fun but one son lives in Texas and doesn't really speak to us and the other still lives here, in my house(does anyone remember how difficult it was to keep this kid in the house when he was 15-19??).

I take care of elderly people and I never, ever, ever want to be in an assisted living or retirement home!  I don't want my life to be all about the bowel movements and waiting for them to open the dining room because meals are the highlight of my day.  I want so much more than that.

I know what I don't want.

I just need to figure out what I do want.

OY!

Time to go shower so I can go to work where I'll be sweating (in places people really shouldn't sweat!) because I get to wear the crappy cotton/poly corporate polo shirt.  Blarg.

My workplace does not have air conditioning because it never gets hot in Seattle.

The hallways in my building get up to 80-90 degrees on sunny days especially on the second floor.

Essentially I'll be taking a shower to only shower when I get home at 11:30 tonight.

Sisyphus….

The Best Ten Minutes of My Day

The best ten minutes of my day were spent one on one with a resident.

This resident needs assistance for almost everything.

His body has been ravaged by a recurring brain tumor, short circuiting most his voluntary movement.

Every day I work I spend several minutes rubbing lotion onto his feet.

Today I decided to spend extra time with the foot rub, spending 5 minutes on the feet alone.

The I asked if he'd like a hand massage and he answered "Please".

I was thrilled to provide some therapeutic touch through lotion and massage.

This gentleman gets very little physical contact except for the caregivers doing their jobs.

He was grateful for the ten minutes I spent with him.

This is why I became a nurse.  To make someone feel so much better with simple touch.

He had a huge smile when I told him we'd do again tomorrow night. :)

A time to Live, A Time to Die

Earlier this week one of my sweetly demented nonagerians was actively dying.

I checked on her every fifteen minutes to see if she was still breathing.

I sat next to her a few times and held her hand.

She has an 11 by 14 inch portrait of herself and her husband from about thirty years ago.

It wasn't all stiff like many portraits.

You could feel the connection between these two people.

People in the middle of their lives, the middle of their marriage.

This lady loved to stare at that picture with great intensity.

When she died, I imagine she climbed (Steven King reference anyone?) in the portrait into the arms of her beloved husband.

She had a very serene look on her face.

TheTwisting of the Knife

To make my day even better....when I walked in at six freaking a.m. Everyone had to ask :  Is it true?



They announced the sweet ill ol nurse who has been out of school will be the new RCC.

She is twenty- freaking- four years old.

Not to sound all x files but methinks there was a plot afoot awhile before I was notified.

Any wells around for me to jump down?...

Downward

I got a text from my boss yesterday, my day off.

It said , "You'll be glad to hear I got you 22.50 an hour!"

RIGHT.

Yo beotch, that's $2.00 an hour LESS that I am supposed to be earning.

I thought my days of feeling humiliated and over worked were behind me.

How wrong I was.

No matter your age or where you may be in life, feeling awkward still continues.

Junior high is looking like a "fun" time these days….

Where Am I Going?

It's been a week of disappointments.

My son, who's back in the states, does not even communicate with us.  He's taking his leave with his family far south of Washington without even bothering to notify us.

My job just demoted me, for vague reasons.  I have not made any med errors, killed any co-workers, left work undone, but now I'm getting paid less.  (it's a long complicated political story so I'll spare you.)

I am 51.

Where is my life going?

I feel directionless.

I spent 18 years being a stay at home mom.

I spent around 22 years being a student.

I've been a wife for 26.75 years.

I have never seen Easter Island.

I haven't written the great American novel (ha! like I could)

There should be more pleasure in my life than playing games on Facebook.

There should be more joy in my day besides my dog loving me.

There should be more.

Stuff

Several readers asked what happened with the new possibility.

Basically, nothing.

I had 2 interviews and then…………nada.

I am resuming my role as the Resident Care Coordinator mostly so the new DNS can delegate all the work to me.

I do not know my schedule will be from week to week.  Keeps me on my toes.

I also have a pre-interview on the phone tomorrow for a memory care director position with a facility closer to home.

I am still surfing indeed.com and craigslist daily.

I just finished reading Divergent and Insurgent.

I can barely wait until October when the third book of the trilogy will be published.

Yes, I am into young adult dystopian fiction.

I devoured the Hunger Games trilogy last year.

I picked apart the Hunger Games movie bit by bit.

The book is forever and always better than the movie.

McArmy will be back in the USA in the next few months.  He promises he'll come north to visit us.  Yeah.  I am hoping I will breath a little easier when he is out of the war zone.

That's my life in a nutshell.

A New Possibility

Today I had a message on my phone from a place I interviewed at last month.

They want me.

Or at least they want me to interview with their house doc.  If house doc wants me, I'm in.

Pros~no plastic empty headed co-worker
No commute on one of the worst freeways around.
A lovely commute through the woods.
Room for advancement in a larger rapidly expanding company.
Holiday pay.
Broadening my network.

Cons~starting all over again on the insurance and 401K.
Leaving the families and residents that trust me in a facility that has seen too much instability in the past 2 months.
um…
lemme think…..

I am not sure if the pay is equal.
It's actually further from my house.
Kinda scary.

Something to consider tonight as I attempt sleep.

The Thing is…..change is the only constant

Many changes at work.

First the DNS I was hired by resigned among some nasty business with the "company".  No, I am not talking the CIA.  I am talking the corporate for profit entity that owns our facility along with several others.

Now the executive director has been fired.  No one knows exactly why but I believe he was advocating for the staff and residents and he went too far in the mind of the company president.

New DNS very different.  Loves to preach about documentation.  I've have to do care plans over several times.

Shit, it's like being back in nursing school.  All negative reinforcement, no praise.

Frustrating to say the least.  Plus she hires her friends to work there.  Bad, bad idea.

Interim ED is from a marketing background.  That says it all.

I have my body armor on as our regular marketer already threw me under the bus.  Bitch.  I call her Barbie.  For all those reasons you all can imagine.

I usually can get along enough to work with anyone but I seriously dislike Barbie.  Cue fake smile.

On the other hand, all my memory care peeps are doing well.  I have one gaining weight when we thought she'd be gone by now.  I have some incredible caregivers during day shift.  We won't get into evening shift.

Always on the lookout for another job but for now I'll try and stay where I am at the moment.

Cue fake smile, again.

C'est la vie.

Mad Dog

Long ago I was a chat host on AOL.  Yeah, it was the stone age-1996.

A group of stay at home moms began a chat group.

We were from Maryland, New York, Illinois, Utah, California, Washington, and some states I'm most likely forgetting because of my advanced age.

We had children that ranged in age from newborn to tweens.

We loved being at home with our children even if we felt as if we never spoke to other adults or got any respect because we were "housewives".

Yeah about that term.  None of us were married to our houses.

We were married to guys who worked all day and did so not "get" how it felt to be the mom, the cook, the maid, the laundress, the social planner, the grocery shopper, the woman who cleaned up wet cheerios from the floor 15 times a day.

The guys who'd come home, some days, and look at us like we'd sat on the computer and ate bon-bons all day long.

SNORT!  Right!  Because infants, toddlers, pre-schoolers, school kids all love to entertain and feed themselves while Mommy gossips with her friends………………

Even though our children are older, some are grown up and married, some are in college, some still live at home, one is in Afghanistan, and some are still in high school, we have stayed in touch.

One of our moms died from breast cancer before she had a chance to live through her forties.

One of our moms lost her lovely daughter to ovarian cancer before she had a chance to live through her twenties.

Some of us are grandmothers now.

We have moved to different states, different homes, been through financial difficulties and triumphs.

Most of us have full time jobs now though not all of us.

We have supported one another through the past 17 years.

The point is we are still here.  Together.

My nickname was Mad Dog.  It was a joke.  An inside joke born of giggles during a marathon online chat session.

I am not sure where I'd be without these women.

These women who are strong, who are survivors, who understand that life goes on even when we may not want to participate, women who support one another without much judgement and with more love than I can describe.

Even though I am now Nurse Mad Dog, Mad Dog lives on in multiple ways through multiple people.

Discouraged

Discouraged.

That is the word that describes me best.

It's been over 10 weeks since McArmy told me to get out of his life.

I have absolutely no idea how his deployment is going.

I was told I was the person who caused him problems in his life and he did not need me.

It felt like having a heart attack at the time.

As far as I know he's whole and relatively safe.

My job has completely changed in the past month.  I went from resident care coordinator for the whole facility to the memory care coordinator.  I don't mind memory care about 24 hours a week, the other 16 hours are rough and emotionally draining.

The DNS who hired me has given notice and will be gone after Tuesday.  I haven't seen her in over a week as she's only coming in part time in the evenings.

The soon to be new DNS came by Wednesday evening and has already discussed implementing many changes.

When I was moved to memory care the entire nursing schedule changed resulting in 2 nurses quitting w/o notice and the other one giving 2 weeks.

It left us with huge holes to fill in the schedule.  Which meant some overtime along with exhaustion.

I feel as if I trudge to work everyday with my lovely commute and spend the day counting time until it's time to leave.

Once home I have no drive or energy.

I literally sleep my first day of my weekend all day long.

I do laundry the second day.

While I can enjoy the beauty of spring in the Northwest, I can't seem to find much enthusiasm for much.

I hope this is temporary due to recent changes at work, the McArmy situation, the horrible awful news that appears to get worse daily.

The good news:  I get to wear my scrubs at work because I am management and don't have to wear the extremely ugly cheap red polo shirt and khaki pants every day.

I know things could be worse.

I have a job.  My spouse has a job.  We're not living under a bridge with the dog…………

Sorry to be Debbie Downer.  I just needed to let some of this stuff out of my head.

51

Today I turned 51.

I used to think that was ancient.

Now I take care of people twice my age.

I have a resident who's 102, still walking, completely lucid, and very independent.  She's incredible.

I spent some of my time working the floor on the memory care unit.

That makes me very determined to never be like these poor residents who are going backwards in development and have lost their ability to problem solve how to get out of a corner.

I plan of keeping my brain and body active.

Fortunately we have no history of dementia in my family.  I know that's no guarantee but it's a plus.

I do pretty well in dementia care as I've learned to stay calm, not take the behaviors personally, and to always remember this is someone's parent.

51 is not a bad age to be.

I had a good save this week.  I sent a resident to the ER because I knew something was really off.  They caught the hernia just before it strangulated.

For my non-medical residents, a strangulated hernia is an emergency as all the blood flow to the intestines could get cut off causing the intestines to die.

My resident was in surgery about 2 hours after she got to the ER.

I consider this a win for her and a win for me and my staff.

I do feel as if I'm helping people receive quality care and a better quality of life.

I am helping others.

51 is not a bad place when I feel like I am making a difference.

Sickness Sucks!

Sitting here at 3:54 a.m. coughing, I am reminded why I hate being sick:

  IT SUCKS!!!

I am at the tail end of the "flu" or a similar virus.

Yes I got my flu shot this year.

That thought doesn't comfort me from the extreme congestion in my sinuses and now the cough.

I missed two days of work plus spent my off days sick.  

This illness has cost me money, time, and sleep.

I was sound asleep when my eldest came in at 2:30 a.m. awakening me and the sleeping beast that is mucus.

Thanks son.  I wish I could share the favor….

Hopefully after dosing myself with extra strength mucinex/sudafed    

I will be able to return to sleep before I have to be awake to go to work.

I hope you are all healthy and well because I don't wish this misery on anyone.

Cough, snort, wheeze.

It's That Time of Year

As a nurse working in long term care there are different seasons than normal people recognize.  Right now is the season for death.

I know, not a happy topic.  In the past month we've lost four of our residents.

The latest was a man in the unit I work the floor on eight hours a week.  He was on hospice, though, funnily, I felt we did most of the work.

He was unconscious, all of a sudden one afternoon.  After that it was sub-lingual morphine and making sure he was as comfortable as possible.

He managed to bite my finger through his unconscious state!  He was a stubborn guy to the end.  And no I should not have stuck my finger in his mouth but I was checking to see if he'd absorbed his medications.  Next time, I'll use a flash light.

What a strange journey I've taken since 1996 when my son died in my arms, at home, thanks to hospice.

Now I'm the nurse.

I find myself empathizing with the residents with dementia that I care for two evenings a week.  Many of them with no visible family members.

Not because I'm losing my mind, that was gone when my kids were teenagers.

Because everyone deserves some kindness and a hug.

Even someone who won't remember that hug five minutes from now.

I suppose that's my take away thought-every one deserves some kindness and a hug, especially towards the end of their life.