The Things I Have Learned Since Turning Fifty

I have learned that a little faith goes a long way. You know, the faith as small as a mustard seed? Not only faith in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, but faith in humanity. Faith that good lives in all of us, no matter how wretched we become when dealt harsh circumstances in life. A lot more work for me, since now I have to *unlearn* and *re-learn* humanity.

I have learned that life is not going to take care of itself.  You can ignore it and it will take its own course, but not necessarily the best or correct course.  You have to be the captain of your vessel. You have to chart a course. You have to set the sail, and you have to do the legwork in order for your vessel to reach its proper destination. I drifted too long. Now I am back at the helm. A lot more work for myself due to allowing my life to get off course.

I have learned that I have to take time for me. I can never be all that I want to be, if I do not replenish myself. I martyred myself for too long and lost touch with who I am. Or maybe I never took the time to figure out who I am, but I am discovering each day what I am made of, what I want, and who I want to be.  A lot more work for me since I let half my life go by, before discovering this.

I have learned that I cannot control everything. Truth is, I can control very little. I must allow people to make their own mistakes. I must allow people to make their own choices. I must allow others to live their life as they see fit, not as I would have them live it. And by *other/people* I mean my children and husband mostly.

I have learned that if you cannot be your authentic self, the person God made you to be, life is exhausting and very frightening. Trying to decide in a split second if the emotion you exhibit is the appropriate emotion, being swayed by any wind that blows because you have no substance behind your convictions, trying to be happy when you don't even know what makes you happy, spending over half your life trying to be what everyone else wants or thinks you should be and not really knowing who or what you are is no way to live.  I have a lot more work to do here, because I didn't have real roots and therefore although I could fly, I could never really soar. Having to nuture and protect what little root I have and cultivate growth, fertilizing and feeding as I go, weeding and watering, fighting the pests and parasites that sap my energy and life force.

I hope my children have paid attention as they witnessed my struggle. I hope they have learned some valuable lessons at my expense.  It will all have been worth it, if I can help them find their purpose early, help them follow their heart and dreams, so they can be all that God intended them to be on this earth.

I am feeling stronger than I have felt in a very long time. I am taking care of others, but not to the point of self-neglect. I am taking time for myself because I am beginning to really feel that I am worth it.  My physical, emotional, and mental states are holding steady even when devastating news hits.  I may waver slightly, but at least I am not collapsing and falling apart as I did before.

I have learned that all the old cliches are true, the parables are applicable to life today, the adages have more meaning than I ever gave them credit, and the problem has not been the information.  The problem lay in the emotional disconnect. I don't know if I will ever be where I should have been, but I thank Jesus everyday that I am not where I was. 

I plan to enjoy the renewal of the season and celebrate a renewal of my life. A life that seems to finally be on the right track to happiness here and a future in the great beyond.  Although I have much work to do, I am really convinced that there is a good end in sight for me.  In the meantime, I have learned to appreciate the journey.  The good, the bad, the indifferent, the ugly. All of it makes up the pages of my life book and serves to make the story interesting, Happy Spring!

We Are Moving

We have been approved for the purchase of a mobile home.  That is good in many ways.  It is also bad in many ways. 

THE GOOD:
The mobile home is spacious and beautiful.

It will be much easier to keep clean.

We will be out of the city lights where the stars shine brighter and wildlife lives and roams.

I was able to get financing on my own and get the payments lowered from our current payment amount, so we will save a good sum of money each month.

Timely payments will boost my credit, which has been non-existant for many years.

I think we will still have enough space for my family Thanksgiving gathering.  A little more crowded, but not much.  : )

We have all the furniture we need and then some for the move. No added expense there.

The children are happy with the new living quarters.



THE BAD:
I don't want to leave my house.  I love where we live and have thoroughly enjoyed the last three years residence there. 

I really thought I had moved for the last time and do not relish the idea of doing it again.

I am going to be living in a mobile home.  That was on my Bucket List of things to NEVER do. Never say never, I guess.

It will be smaller living space than we have now.

It will be further out in the country.

We may not be able to get cable service.

We will have to vote in Butler County.

THE UGLY:
We will now have a septic tank and all the problems that entails.

We have a yard that is overgrown with brambles and poison ivy.

We are Black Widow spider infested. Oh, dear Father in heaven! That is my one huge bug-type fear.  Spiders! Ugh!

We have a lot of stuff to get rid of that will require tossing, selling, and giving away.

I have farther to drive to work, church, Mama's, etc.

I will no longer feel safe when tornadoes and hurricane season are here.

I no longer have a garage or carport, nor a paved driveway.

THE BEAUTIFUL:
We are blessed beyond measure and certainly beyond what we deserve.

We are thankful for not only a roof over our heads, but a lovely roof as well.

We are appreciative of having options in a time when so many others have none.

We are choosing to find the positive in this situation and bloom where we are planted. 

We are aware of the ever present God we serve and grateful for His providence, protection, love, support, and care where we are concerned.

Living room

Master bath

Master bath

Kitchen and Utility Room

Kitchen and Utility Room

Dining Area

Den

Den

Den, Dining, and Kitchen

Second Bath

Dining, Kitchen, and Living Room

Front of our new home

Three Weeks From Today

At this very hour, three weeks from today, I will be hugging and kissing my soldier son!  He will have completed qualifications for becoming a soldier and will only have graduation to complete before becoming one of America's finest defenders.  I could not be more proud of him. 

I sent a boy to Basic Combat Training and in his stead a full-fledged man will return.  He has grown and changed so much.  His letters attest to the evolution that has taken place to transform him from the former to the latter. 

I must admit that as excited as I am to see him, I am somewhat nervous, as well.  Although my heart tells me he is my son and our bond is stronger than any amount of distance could destroy, my head tells me he will not be the same person and there is some anxiety about reaquainting myself with him as the new man. 

In my wildest imagination, I could never have guessed that I would find these last few weeks to be harder than the first.  I suspect initially I was in shock or denial, but as reality set in, I found myself reclusive and depressed, clinging to each letter from him as if it were the last shred of his essence I would encounter.  That has given way to fluctuating emotions; a full spectrum of feelings from anger, sorrow, grief, excitement, joy, trepidation, pride, and always, always love.

We are in the home stretch now and barring any injuries or illness, he will graduate and come home very soon.  I expect a call in two weeks and am so anticipating hearing his voice and being able to actually speak with him for the first time since June.

I plan to give him a welcome home that is fit for a soldier returning from war.  Banners, signs, smiles, hugs, kisses, and love, lots of love! 

HOOAH!

First Day of Summer

My girls are enjoying spending time with their daddy this summer.  Micah is off at Basic so they have him all to themselves all day, every day.  They have been swimming, shopping, playing in the yard, and actually getting a little work done, as well.

I am keeping up with Micah as best I can through a blog that is on Facebook.  Bravo Company completed rappelling Victory Tower yesterday.  They have been issued guns, are marching, and got a couple of PT sessions under their belts.  I am so proud of him I could just burst!

My supervisor is leaving.  Tomorrow is her last day.  I am very sad about that because she has been a great boss. She has been so understanding and helpful.  I am sure that her replacement will do just as good a job as she, but I will still miss her tremendously.

It is officially the first day of summer.  It will be gone before we know it. 

My Soldier, My Son

Micah left on Monday, June 11, 2012 headed for Gunter Air Force Base to prepare for Basic Training at Fort Jackson, South Carolina.  I was under the impression that I would probably receive a phone call from him each Sunday.  We were so very wrong.  He called me Thursday, June 14, 2012 and that will be the last time I hear his voice until his 9th week of Basic, one week before his graduation.  He truly left here a boy and will emerge as a man upon his return. 

I am so proud of him.  I am so concerned about him.  I am so missing him.  I love him more than words can say.  It is the most awful bag of mixed emotions for me.  I am flip-flopping from one to another at any given moment.  The thing that helps me keep it together is thinking of the adjusting and the difficulty he must be experiencing.  Mine pales in comparison.  I think he is so incredibly brave.  To leave home, knowing you can't come back until the time is up.  To leave all that is familiar and venture into the unknown at such a young age, is far more than I considered when I was 18 and a Senior in high school.

In 9th grade, Micah was drifting and had no real direction in life.  We were quite concerned about his lack of initiative and planning for his future.  Once he began JROTC, he was off and running.  He had a plan, a purpose, a goal, a path, and a means to get where he wanted to go.  We could not be prouder of him and we believe he chose wisely when he decided to get a jumpstart with the Army.  He is being all he can be and he is Army Strong!  I guess, that means I have to be as well.  After all, I am officially and Army Mom, now.

Pins and Needles

Micah is scheduled to see an Oncology Hematologist on Thursday and I am a bit uneasy about it.  I am certainly hoping for the best and praying the worst doesn't come. 

I find it strange that something cancerous would come on suddenly like this, but it still has me somewhat concerned.

My prayer is that if it is some form of cancer, that it is easily treatable and that I get to keep my family intact.

Pins and needles...

Perhaps I am Hypersensitive

My son came home yesterday.  His numbers have or are regulating, but he is understandably tired and weak from his ordeal.  He was finally diagnosed with some sort of viral infection that still has his spleen slightly enlarged.  Any jarring of even the slightest nature causes pain in his abdomen just from the sensitivity of the enlarged organ.
He is supposed to attend Forestry Camp next week and the Basic Training the following week.  The prospect of these two events have me a bit unnerved.  I am not so sure he is up to camp much less Basic.  The doctors gave strict instructions that he was to be involved in no contact sport or strenuous activity for three to six months.  How is he going to make it through Basic?
He says he is fine and I am being over protective, but my best mama instincts are telling me to keep him home and let him heal.
His Sargeant is coming to evaluate him today and make a report.  Hopefully, he will see things my way.