Some good news....

After making the decision to stop ttc in February we were blessed to find out last week that we are expecting again!  Thank you Jesus for miracles..  I am currently only about 4 1/2 weeks but I am already nervous that something will go wrong again.  I am happy to be pregnant and to even have another chance is a true blessing...

I have been praying every day for God to give us the miracle that this is the baby we get to keep.  Night before last I had a dream that I was holding my baby girl.  She was a beautiful blonde baby girl.  She was perfectly healthy and I had delivered her..  I just got a feeling of peace.  Well then my BFF sent me an email and said she had a dream/vision about a baby and wondered if she could share it with me.. 

She dreamed she was in the delivery room with me and holding my blonde baby girl.   Then she heard a loud voice come over and said "The baby's name is Faith Trinity.  Faith because of Lynn's faith in what she has been through and Trinity to honor the three babies she lost along the way."  She said the dream was soooooooooo real...  And that she also heard someone say that I had to go through the journey I have to get to having Faith (the baby girl)..  I got chills up my back..  and btw, my BFF doesnt have a link to this blog so she had no idea about my post until I told her.. 

I quickly looked back to my blog entry in July when I talked about if God gave us another baby girl that we would name her Faith..  I got a wave of peace, like God was telling me it was going to be ok this time.  How could my BFF have had the same dream?  I did not tell her about my dream before the email.  I told her after she told me.  The similarities are so real!

I pray that God is trying to give me peace with this new pregnancy.  I go for my first appointment on the 21st and I am praying that we get an u/s and that everything is ok this time.  I have had three losses in 12 months.  A fourth one would just break my heart. 

I would appreciate any prayers!

Precious heavenly father, I pray that today I can find peace in the fact that I am pregnant and just because the last couple havent had good endings doesnt mean that this one is doomed as well.  Please help me to relax and enjoy this pregnancy.  God please let us have this little one as our miracle.  I promise I will spend the rest of my life teaching this baby about you and how you have helped me through the roughest time in my life..  Please let us get good news before Christmas this year that this baby is developing and on track! 

 I know that you can perform miracles and I know that I am not worthy of one, but I am asking you to grant me one..  Thank you for all the blessings you have given me.  A home, my children, my husband, my family, my church family, my friends, and for this new pregnancy.  Please bless all my family and friends, especially those going through a pregnancy loss..  In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

So stressed.....

I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders today.  I am so stressed out I dont know what to do.  I have a headache, my shoulders and neck hurt from tension.  When we went to lunch after church today someone made a comment that I am "being tested" right now.  I said "I think that I am beyond being tested.  I am beginning to feel like Job"..  It seems that everything is falling apart right now.

I have stress with still having to get my blood drawn from the last miscarriage which is just a weekly reminder that I am not pregnant and that I have lost three babies in a year.

I am stressed over whether or  not to continue to ttc.  Not to mention if we did ttc this month I would be due around the same time I was with Grace and I dont know if I could handle that.

I am stressed over the stuff that is going on with my DD's pre-k class at school..  I have to make a decision whether or not to continue to let her attend school or whether it would be in her best interest to remove her from the bad situation.

I am stressed over being stressed.  We are going to FL in January and Im worried about saving up extra money for that.

I am stressed about keeping up with my everyday stuff, like being a mom, a wife.  Handling the day to day stresses is difficult right now. 

Where do I go from here?  What do I do to get out of this rut?  How do I decide what is best for my family? 

I feel like I am in the middle of a room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one is hearing me.  I know that God hears me, but he certainly is not answering me.  I have been trying to convince myself that maybe God doesnt want us to have another child.  And that completely breaks my heart.  And I dont understand why I have had to go through such a rough last year if I wasnt going to get to hold another precious baby in my arms.  Why do drug addicts, prostitutes and people that abuse their children get to keep their babies but I have to lose three in one year?  How is that fair?  What does God want from me?

 I am so broken right now I cant see which way is up anymore..  I am an emotional wreck.  My DH doesnt understand why this is bothering me so much.  He just cant understand how upset I am right now.  Its like I dont have an outlet for this emotion which is bottling up inside me.   I am trying to take a break from a message board where I get support from ladies who do understand, because being there makes me obsess about ttc.   But then it takes away my support...  What is the lesser of the two evils?  Its hard to say right now. 

Im just having a hard time right now dealing with the fact that reality set in on I may never get to hold another baby in my arms.  That breaks my heart.  So what do I do?  Do I continue to try to get pregnant or do I just give up?  Either option honestly sucks!

I need prayer right now.  Prayers for strength to make it through this tough time.  Prayers that I can clearly hear God's answers to whether or not we should continue to ttc.  And prayers that I will be open to hear what he has to say. 

Had the dreaded conversation today...

The one where I go to my DH and ask him "When is enough enough?"    I was hoping that we never had to have this conversation.  That it wouldnt be necessary because we would finally get our healthy baby.  But we started trying for baby #3 August 2008 and all we have to show for it is 3 miscarriages.    When AF showed today and confirmed that once again I am not pregnant yet, it made all the questions pop into my head...

    *Are we ever going to get that healthy baby?
    *A year from now am I going to have another 3 m/c to show for our effort?
    *Can I mentally / emotionally handle another m/c?
    *I know it would be disappointing to stop ttc, but would it be worse than the month after month of disappointment and pain?
    *At what point do we give up?
    *Is God trying to tell us to not ttc anymore?
    *What do we do from here?

I dont have answers to those questions..  I dont know what we should do at this point.  I just know that TTC has been taking over my life and that I need to re-focus my attention on other things for awhile...

My DH is the absolute best ever!  I brought my concerns to him and he said it is completely up to me where we go from here.  If I decide to stop ttc then he will back me up, but if I choose to continue he will back me up to.  I thought that he meant he didnt care either way.  When I asked him about it he told me that he would be selfish to ask me to continue after all I have been through.  ::Swoon::  What a great DH I have.  He is the most self-less man I have ever met.  I am so happy that he will support me in whatever I choose but deep down I know he will be devastated if we stop ttc.  He was the one that brought up wanting to ttc again originally.

This just sucks so bad...  DH says I need to pray about it.  But I have been praying about it for months.  I have had alot of doubts along the way and have considered that God was giving me the doubts because we arent meant to have another child.  But then it would quickly kick in that Satan surely doesnt want me to have another child, because as my pastor said "I am a threat" and any child of mine being raised in a christian home would be a threat too. 

But I am not getting a clear answer from God about whether we should stop or continue.  I feel like Im in limbo.  I am on a path with two roads in front of me, I have to pick one and I have no idea which one is the correct one.   Both of the paths look bumpy and rough, one leads to not having another child and the other leads to maybe having another child.  There are no guarantees on either one I choose.

I am so thankful for the wonderful DH I have..  I guess I will pray about it and wait for God's answer.  For the meantime I think Im just going to take a break from all things ttc.  Maybe I just need a break.

Why?

Why is it that the people around me just dont understand? They dont get why I am upset, or cry, or get angry.. And the bad part is the people that are closest to me are the people that run the farthest away from me. They are the people that have disappointed me the most..


Why do they think when I dont want to hear about someone else's pregnancy that I am "jealous"? Im not jealous. I dont want THEIR baby. I want a baby of my own. I do think that the world is backwards. Why do people that dont want babies have them so easily but girls that want one cant get pg or cant carry them.. It just makes me sad... Why is the world so backwards?


Why do women have to lose their babies? Why do some women have to lose more than one? Why are some told that they cannot have babies, while children are given up or abused everyday?

If I had the chance to ask God one question I would have a hard time picking just one... "Why did I lose baby Grace?" or "Why have I had three miscarriages?" or "Will I ever get my healthy baby?" My pastor talked about asking God for answers last night. He also said that sometimes we will never get an answer because we cannot handle the truth... Would I be able to handle the answer that God gave me to any one of those questions? I honestly dont know.

I honestly dont feel like I have been "hearing" God lately. But maybe thats because Im not listening to him. There always seems to be some distraction that keeps me from honestly enjoying the quiet and just praying to God and waiting for his answer. Maybe I am purposely distracting myself because I dont want to hear what he has to say... : (

Its not that I dont think he is working in my life. Or that he "abandoned me".. I heard a saying once "If God seems distant, who moved?" Maybe I moved away from him without knowing it.... Sometimes my mind gets so "fogged" up with the stuff that doesnt mean anything that I lose sight of whats important. So many things can cloud our judgement... I guess I need to set some time apart everyday to "Be still and know God" Afterall he doesnt want our abilities, he wants our availability...

Wow, I think I got even a little deep for me! But I feel better thinking about it...  I guess I just need to pray for healing and pray that the stuff that is fogging my vision will go away...  It has to get better, it just has to!

Counseling session today....

I <3 my pastor...  If he ever leaves my church I will follow him!  He scheduled an appt for me to come talk to him today..  He is so great about helping me get to the root of things..  Sometimes he is brutally honest but sometimes I need that. 

He told me "When you feel like God just keeps piling things on you he's not..  That pile of stuff was already there he is removing stuff peice by peice and then the stuff buried underneath it is revealed.  This is a process that happens over and over again until you have dealt with all the hurts and hang-ups in your life."

Wow that really puts a different perspective on things...  When we feel like God is piling it on he is really helping us "Clean out the clutter"..  Maybe God is just cleaning out the clutter in my life....  Maybe he is preparing me for the baby that is ours to come?  Maybe if I work through all this "junk" I will be ready for a baby.   Now that sounds ridiculous..  I know Im already ready for a baby....  It just sounded good. Maybe though he is preparing me for all the good that is to come and we just have to get rid of all the garbage!

He also shed some light on my DH as well....  My DH is a heating & cooling guy who fixes stuff all day long.  He can fix anything!  But apparently it really bugs him that he cant fix me after the m/c's.    That is why he runs away when I am upset because he doesnt know how to "fix" me...  Wow that put an entirely new perspective on why he does what he does...  Maybe he's not being a jerk when he tries to stay away from me while Im upset...  He just doesnt know what to say or do to make me feel better...  My pastor said "We are guys, he is never going to completely understand .  For men as soon as the doctor says its over, its over for them.  They dont feel physically pregnant.  They dont bleed.  They dont have cramps or a daily reminder that they still feel pg but arent.  For them its over and they just dont understand because they cant be pg.  They arent the ones dealing with the raging hormones that are completely out of whack.  They arent the ones that have to get stuck with a needle every week until their levels are at zero! 

Maybe I have been a jerk to DH?  I have been really mad that he just doesnt understand and I feel like he hasnt been supporting me.  Maybe he just doesnt want to say the wrong thing?!

He said "Dont throw your pearls to the swine"  and "Dont let the swine trample your pearls either."  Separate yourself from those who are going to trample your feelings...  Because even if you take a pig out of a mud pit, clean it up and take a picture of it, it is going to go right back into the mud because its a pig!  So I have chosen just to remove myself from that situation.  I cant deal with people that only want to hurt me right now.  I have enough to deal with without her adding more mud to the pit I am currently in..

He also said that he didnt know I broke down Sunday morning while singing, but he is glad I did.  He said it means that I was moved and that it also makes me real to everyone else.  Sometimes people think that if you are involved in leading worship you are a rock...  And for me to lose it means I am real and that he thinks that people in the congregation could probably relate to me.   He also thinks that the bible study and sermon series we are going through called "Life's Healing Choices" is drudging up some stuff from the past that I havent dealt with.  And breaking down means that I am starting the healing process..  I can say that the bible study has been very eye opening although since the class started the day after my D&C I wonder if I am fully committed..  Sometimes everything seems so foggy that you cant see what is really happening.  I guess I need to start reading my book and actually going through the exercises that I have been avoiding...

He also told me that the world gives us so many ways to escape our problems..  Television, radio, bars, movies, alcohol, medications, food, and so many other things to "cover up" our problems that sometimes it is beneficial to just sit still in the quiet and talk to God.  "Be still and know that I am God"  How often do we rush through the day and only ask God to help us when tragedy strikes?  We should talk to God every morning..  I have actually been trying to be more diligent the last couple days.  In fact I have started taking daily walks after I drop my DD off at the bus stop and then before I pick her up.  I am trying to use that time to think and sort through emotions and other stuff that is "clouding my view".  Sometimes I just dont want to think.  Which is another way he said that I avoid dealing with what is bothering me.....

Its hard to want to deal with things.  Its easier just to want to forget or push it back in our minds..   Like I had been doing before Sunday.  What good did that do me?  NONE!  I lost it front of my entire church..  : (  I guess I better start dealing with each emotion as it comes instead of bottling it up.  Because I exploded Sunday afternoon and it was not pretty. 

I also told him how I was upset with how many people were telling me it is "Not Gods will for me to have another child."  His response was "You just need to ignore those people.  God is not punishing you by taking away your child".  That made me feel so much better to have a man of God tell me that I am not being punished.  I never used to think that but after so many people insisting that you are being punished you start to think they are right.  Why cant people just keep their mouths shut?  Why do they have to say hurtful things when you are already hurting?  Why do people have to kick you when you are down?  I guess they get a better swing in when you are already on the ground.  I am so disappointed in people sometimes...

Well I wrote a book and rambled on and on again, but I think I actually feel better now.   Its just the beginning of the healing process.  I pray that through the next couple weeks of this study I am able to work through the hurts and get onto healing...  Its not going to be easy.  Its probably going to be a roller coaster ride.  I guess I will strap myself in!

Anger, frustration and sadness........

Yep anger is what I am feeling right now...  Im angry that God let this happen to me a third time in 12 months.  Im angry that I even tried to get pg if it was going to end up in a miscarriage.  Im angry that my DH doesnt understand.  Im angry that my cousin tried to stir up problems and stalked me on a message board.  Im angry that now I dont feel comfortable posting on the message board about my true feelings, in worry that she will read it.  Im angry that my mom is still talking to this cousin like she didnt totally screw me over! Im angry that my cousin took away my safe place to vent about my feelings to other people who understand.  Im angry that she violated that trust...

Im frustrated that people dont have time to call and ask how I am but they have time to stalk me on message boards.  Im frustrated that no one IRL understands what I am feeling, even my DH..  Im frustrated with all the advice people say to me "It wasnt meant to be this time" or "its God's will" or "Its Gods will that you shouldnt have another child"  or "it will happen when you least expect it."  It just frustrates me to no end...  Who are these people to tell me it is God's will?  Like he came down and directly told them "Hey its not my will that she has another child thats why I keep letting her get pg and then taking them away."    Shouldnt they be more concerned about Gods will for their lives? 

Im sad that people feel the need to say things that are hurtful instead of just giving me a hug and understanding that I have been through hell in the last year.  Im sad that I have lost three babies in one year.  Im sad that my body is having problems carrying a baby to term.  Im sad because I have people all around me that have babies around my edd's.  Im sad because I feel alone in my grief and feel that I suffer in silence...  Im sad because I feel like I cant truly post my feelings on a message board now because someone decided to ruin it for me, when there was no reason for it..

Im tired of having to TTC.  It shouldnt be this hard.  Im tired of going to an ob appt all excited about a new pregnancy only to have my hopes and dreams crushed once again..  Im tired of having people giving me unsolicited advice about why they think I miscarried.  "You know riding those horses is what is making you lose babies."  or "you were doing too much" or maybe you arent eating healthy"..  It just makes me want to smack them!  Im physically tired.  Im mentally tired from trying to hold everything in.  Im tired of having to "put on a brave face" at church and with my family, when deep down I am crying inside.

I wish people could at least try to understand what it feels like to have your hopes and dreams crushed when you lose a pregnancy.  But on the other hand you dont want them to have to bear the pain you have been through.   I wish that they would just hug you and say "sorry is there anything I can do" instead of saying hurtful things...  I wish that women no longer had to suffer in silence and "put on a brave face" because they might make others uncomfortable talking about the babies they lost...   I wish that miscarriage and pregnancy loss wasnt a taboo subject.  Why do we feel so comfortable talking about things that are way more inappropriate but refuse to talk about m/c?

Im ranting I know..  I am just so filled with emotion today that I feel that I am going to pop!  It took two weeks for everything to hit me but it finally did, at church in the middle of singing a song.  I stood in front of our entire congregation sobbing unable to finish singing.  And only ONE person came up to me to give me a hug or offer support.    Sad isnt it?  It sure made me sad....

I am going to quit ranting now and find something productive to do with all this pent up emotion I have...

Had my D&C today....

I had my D&C today.  Im honestly so glad that it is over..  I am just glad that they were able to get "everything" out and maybe my body will get back to normal again...  This loss wasnt as difficult to deal with as the loss of Grace was.  I do believe that this baby was a life as I believe that life begins at conception.  But this time I knew there was a possibility of something not being right.  So I think I was more prepared this time.  I cried the day we found out (Monday) but I havent cried since..  I am just moving on...  It may bite me in the butt later. 

The D&C wasnt actually removing the fetus.  I unfortunately lost the baby Sunday night.  But the "associated pregnancy matter and debris" decided to make itself all nice and comfy in my uterus instead of expelling itself.  Note to my uterus "start cooperating please!" 

My pastor is announcing tonight at church that we just had our 3rd loss in a year.  I thought it would be better that he tell people because so many were hinting around to the fact that they thought I was pg.  I would rather him just tell them so I dont get asked that dreaded hurtful question "are you pregnant?"  I think that my church will be very supportive.  In fact I already talked to one lady that found out who was upset with me that I never told her I was pg again and she didnt know about my m/c until today..

With pregnancy and infant loss awareness day coming up October 15th I thought it appropriate to share what I have been going through.  Why should I suffer in silence at church? or with my family? or with my friends?  I dont want it to be taboo...  Miscarriage is too often a silent epidemic because we dont want to make other people uncomfortable when we talk about it.  Well guess what if they are uncomfortable talking about it, how uncomfortable do they think we are when we LIVE it.  I dont care if people at church are uncomfortable hearing about it.  I had to live it.  Thats just my opinion.  ::Steps off soapbox::

Tomorrow evening at my house our new bible study starts called "Life's healing choices".  Yah that was a coincidence right?  We have chosen to still have it here, although I will be a terrible hostess.   But I think it may be good for me to be around my church family.  And the good part is I dont have to teach the class, just participate..  Some people think I am crazy for still hosting the bible study after surgery today..  But I think it will be good.  I wont have to do anything, in fact they will probably be wanting to wait on me.  : ) 

Well here's to moving on..  Life goes on..  If there is one thing that I am thankful for is that I didnt have to go 18 wks before losing this one.  It was much easier to deal with at 6 wks than it would have been at 18 wks again..  (That would have killed me)...  Life does begin at conception so I know that I now have three angels in heaven, but I also know that they are in good hands.. 

I am looking forward to ttc again.   I hope that we are able to get pg more quickly this time.  And I think our chances will be better of a healthy pg because at least I will be starting with a "cleaned" out uterus.  Its like I had "Roto rooter" clean out the pipes..  LOL  We will see what happens I guess.  I am supposed to get the results tomorrow from the D&C today.. At the latest it will be Friday..  Hopefully all will go well and the results will be good and we can move on quickly from this. 

I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers of my IRL and online friends.  You guys are the absolute greatest!  I <3 you all...  I couldnt have made it through any of this without your support..

Its offical......

I lost my third baby in twelve months last night. I apparently gave "birth" to my baby in the toilet. :( I am beyond sad right now and angry..  I dont understand why this is happening and I dont even know what to say at this point..

I am angry and I am angry at God..  I am angry because he let me get pg and then ripped it away so quickly!  Why cant I have a healthy pregnancy?  Why? 

I am off to take a nap and hope I wake up from this nightmare!  =(

Not a good day......

Today was the second day of spotting I had.. =( I was so concerned that I went to the dr. They did an u/s and the tech told me that I was measuring a week behind. She handed me a box of tissues and walked OUT! My heart sank and broke at the same time. I was heartbroken..

I had to go see the dr. Who did another blood test to see what my levels were. He thinks that my progesterone may be low and that could cause the spotting either that or my uterus stretching... But he said that if I implanted late that the sac would be measuring behind. And he said its no big deal there was no fetus. He said we could do another one next week and it could be fine..

I am praying for a miracle here.. I know that "With God all things are possible". I know that he can do anything and nothing is impossible. I just pray that he makes it possible for us to have this baby and keep it on earth. My faith is strong. But when you get the news that you are possibly losing your 3rd pregnancy in a year it makes you wonder... Why? Why am I dealing with this. Why couldnt it just be easy? Why couldnt everything have been there and perfect?

I truly have faith that God can make things ok, I just wonder if it is his will... I have to call for my numbers tomorrow morning from my blood work today. That will tell alot. I pray that they are good.

God, you know how rough the last year has been on me. You know my desire for a child is so strong. You know that I want to raise this child up to know you and to be YOUR witness. I want to bring this child up to make a difference in this crazy world.

Please comfort me and grant me peace and patience until I get the news tomorrow about my blood work. Please let me get good news. I will still praise you if things are bad.

Please also bless everyone who is praying for me during this time. I am truly blessed by them therfore I hope that you bless them.

I know that you can do anything and that nothing is impossible for you. Please grant me a miracle and let this baby be the one we get to keep. In Jesus name Amen.

Reflecting on the last year....

The question was asked on a message board yesterday "What were you doing a year ago." Boy it really made me think about how much has happened in the past year. A year ago today I had no idea that I would lose two babies. I had no idea what the future would hold, and how difficult it would be. I was blissfully pregnant, not knowing that someting could go wrong. I was completely ignorant to what would happen in the coming months...

In October I went for my first prenatal visit only to find that they didnt think the pregnancy was viable. Blighted ovum they said.. It ended with a D&C 3 days before Halloween.. :(

I got pg again in November. My first appt went well.. Other than some minor complications my pg was going well, until 18 weeks when everything changed.. March 24, 2009 I had to deliver my baby girl all too early because of an infection in my amniotic fluid... It was the worst day of my life.. And the day that everything changed...

I had been brought up in church all my life. And was active in my church and some activities. I was doing the right things.. But the day I lost Grace my faith completely changed. See until you have had to lean on God completely you dont understand true faith. I had nothing else, but my faith in God at that point.. I had to lean on him completely.

God became my rock during that time, and even though I had times where I was mad at him and didnt feel like talking to him I always did. When I was angry I told him, when I was sad I told him, when I was hurt I told him. And he carried me through all of it. Some days it was harder to see than others, but I now know that he was the one that carried me through the last year. No doubt about it in my mind. There is no way I could have gotten thru without him....

Our God is a good God no matter what you circumstances are in life. His promises are set in stone... He can help you through absolutely anything. And if you let him he can use your greatest hurts to be your greatest ministries... You just have to be available. God doesnt need your ability, just your availability..

Im not going to lie and say that the last year has been easy because it hasnt. I have been down a very rough road. But I can tell you that my faith is stronger than it was a year ago. That I have learned to really "let go and let God"...

I have come along way in my faith in the last year. And I have met some amazing women along the way. Women who have inspired me to keep going. Some that I have never met IRL.. Some I have that keep inspiring me daily. Even through the darkest time of my life God has continued to bless me.. Sometimes it was harder to see...

I wanted to share this video skit with you... It shows how easily we can get pulled away from God with things of the world.. Although I have never struggled with the things in this video. I have gotten pulled away from him at times... Just remember to keep your eye on Jesus!

May God bless each and everyone of you!

Worries about new pregnancy...

I would think that right now I would be a complete mess worrying that something will happen to this pregnancy too. I have decided I am letting go and giving it to God. I cannot control what happens anyway. I am going to leave it in God's hands and not worry myself to death over "what could happen".

I truly feel that "letting go and letting God" is the best thing for me right now. Although I would appreciate any prayers on my behalf..

Praise God!

Today is the day we have waited for the last 6 months. I got a + hpt this morning. Praise God is all I could say when I saw those beautiful lines! Just about the time I was ready to give up all hope of ever getting pg again and BAM God sends me a huge blessing..

This truly was from God! He blessed me with another pg in His time, not mine. As much as I struggled to control when it happened. God reminded me that I am not in control - He is! Maybe thats the lesson I had to learn thru the last several months. I have no patience, and it was truly a test of my patience to try every month only to get my hopes and dreams crushed again.

I can tell you that I learned to worship God in the good and bad times. Dont just praise him when everything is going right. Praise him when things are going wrong too. After we lost Grace I praised God! When we TTC and didnt get pg - I praised God! God isnt just God in good times. He is God always! And always deserves to be praised.. Be still and let God be God!

It has been a really rough journy to get to this point. I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into depression over not getting pg each month. But I pray that God sent me a keeper this time!

I have been touched by so many people during this journey. People that I hope I never lose contact with. Girls that have never met me in real life but that have touched my heart forever with their kindness and support... I have made so many friends that I will never forget. I dont know how to thank them all... I guess I will pray that God blesses them.

All I can say now is "Praise God" and "today I am pregnant and I love my baby!"

Thank you God for blessing me with another pregnancy. Thank you for putting wonderful people in my life to help me thru the rough times.. Thank you for being you. I know that you can do anything and everything. Nothing is impossible for you.. You proved it to me right as I was losing hope. Thank you God for blessing me wiht this child. Please watch over me and this baby and let this be the one I get to keep. Please continue to use me to bless others, I am yours God! In Jesus name Amen.

Things are going well...

I have been sitting here thinking about how well things have been going lately. It seems that I might be starting to get back to "normal" or whatever normal is for me... My van wouldnt start twice in the last two days (when I was out places) and I didnt even let it bother me, I just found a solution to the issue and moved on. Turns out my battery was bad and thats what was causing the issue. And instead of looking at the glass half empty I looked at it as the glass was half full. It could have been way worse, it could have died while I was driving it, or the kids could have been with me, or it could have been a big repair bill. I praise God that it was just the battery.

A couple months ago I couldnt have felt this way. I would have really been on edge about it and freaking out. Instead I was calm and cool. I know that it seems so minute to some of you reading this, but for me it was a big deal to reach this milestone..

I was listening to this song today and I think I am finally learning to live this way...

I am going to continue to worship and praise God even while I am waiting for him to bless me with another baby, if that is his will! Wow! How long has it taken me to get to this point? Over 5 months! Can you believe it.

I think I am finally through the anger stage and moving on to life. I am even thinking of starting the project of re-doing my bathroom. I want to spruce it up with some new color on the walls and new towels, accessories.. I havent wanted to do anything in the last 5 months. Progress? I think so... Its amazing how far I have come with everything since losing baby Grace. But I think the most recent events have been the biggest steps...

Learning to let go and let God.. That has been a big one for me. I have learned that nothing happens by accident. We (even Christians) often say "what a coincidence" ..... Its not a coincidence. God puts us where we need to be, with whom we need to be with, when we need to be with them. I truly and whole heartedly believe this. I think that God put Melissa in my life last year on the message board so that she could be there to invite me to her church for me to hear the words her pastor was going to say Sunday. I really needed to hear them. It wasnt a coincidence, it was God's plan.

I need to remember that even when I am having down days, God is still there with me.. He doesnt leave my side for a second. He has a greater plan for me, one that I will never know. But I need to remember to give up control of my life to his will. For I know the plans I have for you saith the Lord. Plans to give you hope and a future If I can just remember that and invite him into my day every morning my life will be so much better... Praise God on the good and bad days... Invite him into your life every morning and give over the "reins" of your life to him. What a wonderful merciful God we have. Amen!

Finding peace....

Yes it is true, I think I am finally finding peace in the situation. Is it possible? I was so worried about dealing with Grace's edd that maybe the hype was worse than the actual thing? I only cried twice yesterday. Once when my online friends did a wonderful post of "cyber hugs" for me. I was so touched it made me cry.. In a good way though, like "feelin the love" kinda cry.

Then my best friend sent me a gorgeous boquet of flowers to remember baby Grace. It was gorgeous! I was so shocked that someone had remembered her EDD.. And made the effort to do something so sweet for me on that day.. My BFF was there when Grace was born, she came to the hospital, held my hand, and even saw Grace born. She was with me the entire time. I have the best - best friend ever! The card she sent me said that Grace had touched her life forever. It made me cry. I just love her to death.. Im so greatful for her friendship.

Yesterday afternoon I prayed that God would show me direction, that he would show me that everything would be ok. I asked him for a sign.. I just really needed to see something to show me that everything was going to be ok and that I was going to be able to move on from all this mess of the past year.. I was praying for peace. I needed peace, after 5 months I needed and wanted peace..

As I was walking to Mandy's bus stop it happened. I looked over and noticed a butterfly flying around my head... I stopped and noticed how beautiful and graceful it was as it was circling my head. And a huge peace came over me. Like I let out a huge sigh of relief. It was strange yet so wonderful of a feeling!!!!!!!! And the butterfly stayed around me. Even after Mandy got off the bus and we were walking home it followed us, sometimes getting ahead, even flew up by my front door and around my porch. The beautiful little butterfly even flew over to Grace's memorial garden.

It gave me peace. I felt like it was God's way of telling me that everything is ok, and that I am moving forward. It was like a kiss from God. And a flood of peace came with it. I cant truly explain how it felt, but I will just say it was overwhelming peace and calmness.

I know by now you think I am crazy or on some kind of drug.. I would never believe a story like this until it happened to me. I promise you I am on no medication and I was not hallucinating. Mandy even noticed that the butterfly was following us. I wish I had my camera with me I would have taken a picture of it.. I just know that it was Gods way of showing me peace. It was the beauty of his creation.

I am not going to try to explain any more how wonderful an experience it was that God gave me. I just hope that some day everyone that is reading this can experience that same kind of peace that only God can provide. It is a wonderful feeling I can tell you that. I am just thankful that He provided it for me.

Everything just completely fell into place yesterday. The hug posts from my online friends, my best friend sending me a beautiful boquet in Grace's memory, getting Grace's "name in the sand" picture in my email, kind words from friends, and God's peace. What a more perfect day? Filled with love and peace - I couldnt have asked for more, well except maybe that I would have had Grace in my arms yesterday. But I am ok with that now. I know that my little angel is up there wreaking havoc in heaven, if she's anything like me. : ) Sorry I had to add that it made me smile

I truly hope and pray that the peace I found yesterday stays and that I can begin to move on with a more normal life. There were some days that I felt consumed by grief.

What a glorious God we have. Even through everything that has happened to me, he never left me, he never forsake me. Even in the darkest hours when I felt he wasnt near - he was very close, I just couldnt or wouldnt see him. He has seen me through some very very rough times. But he has always been by my side. What a more wonderful caretaker for my beautiful angel? If he has taken such good care of me even when I have turned my back on him and yelled at him for things that werent his fault, he will take even better care of Grace. He kept me in His hand, he will hold Grace in His. He lifted me up when I fell, and he carried me when I couldnt get up and walk on my own.. He will tell my baby angel about me.

Thank you Jesus for being there for me even when I didnt deserve it. Thank you for blessing me with wonderful friends (online and IRL). People that have blessed me more than I can ever say. Thank you for the wonderful things you have given me, my DH, my home, my children, my family, my church family, and my friends. Please bless each and every one of them.. Please stay with me, even on days when I am "angry" with you for things that arent your fault. Show me your path. Teach me to walk in your ways. Keep me strong, help me fight off the attacks of the devil. Help me to be a good wife, a good mother, and to help others who are going through pregnancy loss. Help me reach out to those who need it the most. Use me to do your work.

And most of all thank you Jesus for the wonderful gift of peace you sent me yesterday. I know that it was of you, because no one or nothing else could grant me that kind of peace. I know that it came from you. You spent me a very special gift on a very difficult day. Thank you for hugging me from heaven yesterday. I love you Jesus, I put my trust in you. I know that you will deliver me from anything bad that could happen..


The Lord is my shepard, I shall not be in want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside still waters, he restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me, your rod and your staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies, thou annoinest my head with oil, my cup overfloweth. Surely goondess and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen. Psalm 23

Having a hard time dealing...

The time I dreaded is coming near, Grace's edd on 8/31/09. I have been dreading this day. I know that it is going to be difficult. But what makes it more difficult is the fact that now we are having problems getting pg. I have never had this problem ever in my life so it is like salt in the wound. I am really considering talking to my pastor about this next week. I feel that right now I am jsut lost in the grief. I thought I was doing really well only to get knocked down again.

I should be ready to deliver any day now, not on my period again. I shouldnt be trying to get pregnant again. I shouldnt be struggling to deal with the loss of my daughter. I shouldnt be on the verge of tears every moment the last two days.. I shouldnt be in this position. Why me Lord? Why me? I dont understand what I have done to deserve this. What have I done wrong? Have I failed you in some way? I have heard so many comments saying "you are being punished".. What did I do wrong, or what did I not do to deserve what I have been through?

Why Lord have I not been able to get pregnant again. Is it you telling me that I am not going to have anymore children? Why? I wish I just knew what I had to do to get pregnant again. The waiting is killing me. God you know all too well that patience is not my strong suit. I have none. And I know that you still love me anyway..

Where do I go from here? How do I make it throught each day? How am I going to make it through Grace's due date? I need your help right now Lord. I just dont know what to do anymore. I have been so depressed. I need you to carry me. I dont know how to make it through this rough patch... Help me please, guide me...

I am missing baby Grace so terribly right now. I long to hold her in my arms. I know that she is with you and that she is in good hands. But the baby that I longed to hold in my arms and started tying to conceive last year has still left my arms empty. Its so painful to watch others hold their babies and know that I may never have that. I am trying to have faith that I will get pg again and have a healthy baby. But that dream seems like it will never happen. Each month that I find out I am not pregnant the dream slips farther away and even more unreachable.

Help me to get through this.. Help me to know if this dream is unreachable so that I focus on other things. It seems like trying to get pg is taking over my life some days. Although I was much better about not stressing last month. I need help here. I think that my world would be shattered to know that I would not be able to get pregnant again.. I so long for another child Lord. One that I can raise up to know you. One that can make a difference in this crazy world.

I know that you know what I desire and I have prayed so many nights for a baby. Please tell me what I am doing wrong. My heart is just broken. I am not trying to replace baby Grace, that can never be done and I will never forget her. But my desire for another baby is still as strong as it ever was. Please help me...

Right now I am too weak to stand on my own. Please give me the strength to make it through today and not fall on my face. I am so emotional right now that if someone said hello to me I might just break down and cry. :(

An emotional day...

Yesterday was an emotional day. I had to sing at church and one of my favorite - most tear provoking songs lately has been "come just as you are" and it was the invitiation hymn.. Well before that as I was walking into the sanctuary my pastor stopped me and said "someone just told me that you guys share a common bond." (He was standing there with a lady)... My heart sunk. She also had lost a baby 7 months ago. I wanted to immediately hug her and tell her I understand what she is going through. My pastor had told her about my blog and stuff. So I shared the message board site I frequent with her as well as my email address. I wanted her to receive the same help I had from the wonderful girls online.

Before I went to sing I sat with her and told her that I know how she feels and that I really wanted her to know that. I also wanted to let her know that there is other women going thru the same thing. She almost made me cry. She even gave me a big hug and somehow we "silently" understood each other. We share a common pain, something that no one understands until they have been there. I was so greatful to have met her. Someone IRL that admitted to having a loss. most of the girls I know have never had a Pg loss or at least they dont share it. I am really looking forward to talking to her again. I think that we could help each other.

It saddens me that some people dont feel comfortable sharing their pg loss stories with others. And that they have to go thru the grief alone. Its not fair. Right now there are so many women secretly struggling with the fact that they have lost their baby, their child! I cannot imagine.

Well while singing the last song "Come just as you are" I started to try to choke back the tears. I was thinking about how much pain she must have been in and how much pain I will be in at the end of this month on my edd for Grace. I was trying my best to hold it in but halfway thru the song I had a tear running down my face. It was so emotional...

This weekend I am going to attend a Ladies Conference at my church for women who have been through some kind of hurt in their lives.. I hope that it helps me come to terms with what happened and can help me move on. Not that I will ever forget my beautiful baby Grace Amber.. She is forever in my heart!

Heading out...

Tomorrow morning we are heading out to a christian family camp. I think that it will be a great weekend for us to reconnect. There were times this week that I wasnt sure we were even going to go this weekend. DH & I were fighting. Everything was going wrong. Stress, arguing............. But then I talked to my pastor and he made me realize that of course Satan doesnt want us to go this weekend. It must mean that something really big and great is going to happen and he wants to prevent that.

Oh it all made sense! The problems we were having started right after we made the decision to go to family camp. Satan doesnt want us to go. He doesnt want anything good for us (or me especially). Sometimes the water seems so muddy. I feel like I am doing good to halfway function daily and Satan sneaks in a curve ball and throws me flat on my face when I am not expecting it.

I hate that I have to continue to fight him, I wish you could fight him once and he would leave us alone forever. I feel like I have a blinking red sign over my head that draws Satan to attack me on a daily basis. Its just not fair that I have to deal with him on top of everything else. The good thing is that I know that with God's help I can defeat him. I just get tired of fighting with him ya know?

Satan has attacked me more in the last 6 months than he ever attacked me in my life! I guess that is because I have allowed God to use me to do so many things even in the midst of losing baby Grace. I have not lost faith in God, in fact my faith is stronger than ever. Which explains why Satan wants so bad to get me down.. Its not going to work. I am going to stand firm in my faith.

My family is going to Christian family camp this weekend and we are going to have a wonderful time. Satan get behind me because Jesus is beside me!

Feeling better...

I am starting to feel better now. I have taken a more relaxed approach to trying to get pg again... I have stopped the obsessing, the charting, and even the message board so that I can keep from making myself crazy.. I am trying to relax. And I think it is working. No more waking up at 4 a.m. worrying about whether or not I was going to oversleep to take my temperature then obsessing about where that temp would be on my chart.

I am realizing that I need to give control over to God. Because he is in control of everything anyway. Trying to control things myself is only making me stress like crazy and it isnt changing a thing! Why should I worry. God already made his plan, whether or not he will bless me with another child... That is up to Him, nothing I can do will change it. Worry only brings me stress, which is not healthy...

God delivered me yesterday. I went to get my test results from my dr about the ANA test that came back positive in my RPL testing. Well it came back yesterday as negative. PRAISE GOD! I know that he delivered me from more bad news. How can you do anything but praise him for that? I know that he will deliver me from the sadness I have been feeling as well. Our God is a great God.. He is a loving God. He can deliver us from anything that falls into our path if we just have faith in Him...

Here is a song I really enjoy. Its like it was written for what I am going through.


The Climb lyrics
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Whoa a oh oh

Been in a valley.....

I have been in a valley the last week or so. But I am so looking forward to moving to the top of the mountain again. I have been down, depressed, and just downright sad. I dont know what is making me this way. I dont know if its just being sad over Grace's due date coming up, the fact that trying to get pg again has been unsuccessful, or just a little bit of everything rolled into one big mess..

I hate feeling so down, I want to be up at the top of the mountain. I dont want to be in this slump. I am trying to climb back up and feel like I get halfway up the mountain and slide right back down...

Satan is in my head, telling me "where is your God now", "Why isnt he letting you get pg - he must not want you to have anymore children", "you just arent good enough", "you are being punished". I just wish he would back off and leave me alone. Unfortunately I know that right now so much good has come out of me losing Grace that he really wants to get me down. I am a threat to him, and having another child and raising that child in the church would also be a threat to him. Of course he wants me to give up! I just cant let him get me to give up. I know that we have to fight him back, but there comes a point where I am just tired of fighting. Im tired of having to struggle with him in my head! I do order him to go away and he does, but he ALWAYS comes back to plant those doubts in my head..




God I need YOUR strength right now, I need you to help me fight off these attacks from Satan. I know that his main objective is to get me to fall away from my faith. I know that he thinks I am a threat and that he wants to make me fall. I know that is why I am in this "valley" right now. I need help to fight him off because right now I am vulnerable. Please help me raise out of this "funk" that I am in and help me see the beauty all around me. Help me to be where I need to be, help me to be happy again, and please shield me from the attacks from the evil one. My life is yours God. I want to do everything you ask me. But right now the connection seems to me a bit murky. I know that is because that is what Satan wants. He wants me to be confused and think you left me. I KNOW that you are with me and that you have never left me even in the times I cant "feel" you. I need YOUR help because it is only thru you that I will reach the top of the mountain. Please Lord show me the right path, show me that you are in fact still with me. Thank you for all the blessings you have given me Lord. In Jesus name I pray.. Amen.

Satan get behind me because Jesus is beside me.

The waiting game....

I feel like I am trapped in a never-ending waiting game. First I was waiting to deliver Grace, then I was waiting to heal, waiting to go back to the dr, waiting to get the green light to TTC again, waiting to O, waiting to test, then AF showed, waiting to O again, waiting to test again, and now I am waiting to call the dr to see if he will do b/w to see if the HPT's are wrong. If I go get blood work done, then I will be WAITING again for the results..


I hate this "waiting game".. God knows I dont have patience for anything and now I am in the never-ending waiting game.. Why? Why does it have to be so hard? Why is it always "wait" for this and "wait" for that. I dont want to WAIT anymore! Why do we have to endure so much during this process? Shouldnt we get a "get out of watiting game free card" after we lose a baby? Havent we "paid our dues"? I think we should be an exception to the TTCAL process.

I think that we should have access to a special fairy who could wave her wand over our heads when we were physically ready to be pg again and it would be DONE, no waiting, no trying, we would just be pg!



Wouldnt that be great? I would catch her in a jar use her dust, and then pass her to everyone of my online friends who are ttc after losing a baby. I think that after surviving a miscarriage or pregnancy loss we deserve for something to be easy...

I know I am grasping at my sanity here.. This is what trying to have baby #3 and two losses has brought me to, the brink of insanity. Fortunately I dont think I am in the boat alone. I think that alot of girls that are ttc after a loss have been in this boat at one point or another.. I would really just love to get out of this boat and go back to sanity.. Hopefully that will happen soon..

For right now I will sit in my insanity boat until the Dr calls me and agrees to do blood work today and then hopefully he will call me with some fantastic news. Til then its me in my insanity boat twiddling on twigs..

This brings me comfort...

It brings me comfort to think of Grace in this way....

Today is a bad day...

Actually I had a bad weekend. Fighting with DH, two BFN's, equals my weekend did not go well. I tested this morning with a FRER pg test and it was negative. It broke my heart. I dont understand. I am two days late. I was so sure that I was pg this month. Of course I guess there still is a slim chance because AF hasnt showed yet, but I am not holding out hope. I think my hopes of being pg this month have now been crushed!

Why God? What have I done wrong? Why is this process causing so much pain and taking so much time. I got pg three times the first month trying. How come that cant happen now? Why me God? Why me? You know that I have no patience.. I am going crazy stressing out over here.. I just dont know how much longer I can emotionally handle this process... Its not fun anymore, its a responsibility. My life has become consumed with ttc.

Is that it? Have I made TTC the center of my life instead of you? Im sorry if I have but I just dont know how to handle things anymore.. My husband thinks I am depressed. Some days I think he is right, but others I am ok. Arent I allowed to have "off days"...

Yesterday I didnt even want to go to church. I wanted to stay home and wallow in my misery. But I had made a comittment to sing at church, and people were counting on me to be there. So I "sucked it up" and went. But I didnt go with the right attitude. When I started singing I almost lost it. I knew that I wasnt singing praises to you with my heart in it and that made me feel bad.. I usually sing with emotion and yesterday the emotions I was feeling were not good ones. I know you gave me the strength to get thru it, but it was sooooooooooooo difficult..

I feel like I have lost myself in all this mess. I dont know who I am anymore... Am I really the person that is OCD about waking up to take my temperature? Am I the person that cant keep myself from taking a pg test too early? What have I become? I am trying to be in control, when I should be relying on You to be in control.. Please help me.. "Save me O Lord for the waters have come up to my neck" Psalm 69:1

This is the song I felt the most strongly about.. It says exactly how I feel.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw

God please help me to make it through this day. You know I have to feed that group of "Word Changers" today. I need the strength to make it through and not break down in front of them. Today is an emotional day for me Lord, I know that you konw that already and that you are holding my hand even if I cannot see it right now. Thank you Lord for all the blessings you have given me... Please give me the strength to do what I need to do today, feed the group, be a mother to my children, be a good wife, and make a difference in someone's life. Thank you for my friends IRL and online that you have sent to me to help me thru these rough times. They dont know how much their encouraging words help me get thru the rough spots.. I thank you for them, you know who they are. Please bless them.. Please continue to use me even though I am not feeling the best today. I want to see you work thru me.. In Jesus name I pray, Amen..

Not what I expected.... :(

Well today didnt begin the way I expected. I woke up and took a digital pg test and it said "not pregnant". Those words can pierce you in the heart. My heart sank.. I was so sure I was pg. I guess I am not, or its just too early, but I am 14 dpo right now and that should be sufficient to get a +. It totally ruined my morning. All the signs are there and no + test...

I think that God is testing my patience. He knows I have NONE, I have less than none! Why must he test me? I dont understand. Havent I been through enough? Why cant one thing in my life be easy? It seems that everything has to be so difficult. Maybe he is testing to see if I will persevere, but it just frustrates me..

Why God Why? Please help me, I am about at the end of my rope.. I have so many things going on.. Am I asking too much? Is it not in your will that I have another child? If its not your will please tell me so I dont put myself thru this monthly torture we call trying to get pregnant after a loss.

I guess I am just having a bad day.. I need your help today, as do all my friends online that are going thru the same thing I am.. Please uplift each and every one of them and give them the strength to persevere this heartbreaking process. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Today I had a revelation...

So I was thinking about testing tomorrow morning to find out if I am indeed pregnant again. Everything is kinda pointing in that direction but I have yet to get a + pregnancy test.. Im sooooooooo nervous about seeing a - again.. I dont know how I am going to sleep..

Well anyway I was thinking about all that has happened and what would we name another baby if God chooses to bless us with one... And it came to me - if we get pg and its a girl we will name her Faith Katherine. Faith because faith is the only thing that has gotten me through the rough patches. Katherine because it was my grandmothers middle name and I loved her dearly.. What a beautiful name that would be. A boy I have no idea, but a girl is definitely Faith...

Am I getting ahead of myself here? I havent even gotten a + pg test yet and I am saying that I have a name for a girl already. Maybe its my way of being hopeful?! I dont know my head is so messed up right now.

I have faith that everything will work out for the best. My faith was really shaken with my first loss in October 08, but it was definitely strengthened when I delivered Grace. I have felt closer to God than ever...

I believe that he is giving me the strength to make it through.. I also believe that he has given me a special gift that I may stay on the pregnancy loss board and give support to those who are hurting and need the most support. Most girls cant stick around there because it keeps them from "moving forward". It however doesnt bother me at all. My heart breaks for the new girls that come on the board every day. I wish that no one had to experience a pg loss, m/c or an infant loss. Its an awful thing to have to go thru, and really hard to "survive"

I know that God gave me the special gift to be able to stick around and help these ladies in the time they need it the most.. It has to be from him, because there is no where else that it would come from. God has changed me so much during the last year. A year ago I was a different person. I can say that I have changed for the better but I would rather not have gone thru my losses.

I am so glad that I have been able to "see" God during this... I dont know how people get through it without knowing Him..

May God Bless every woman who is going thru, about to go thru, or has been through a pregnancy loss, miscarriage, or infant loss. Grant them the strength and comfort that only you can provide.. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

16 weeks ago today...

I was delivering baby Grace.. I cannot believe that 16 weeks have gone by. I should be 34 weeks pregnant today and gathering last minute baby items. I should NOT be in the dreaded 2WW again.. I should be dreaming about holding my perfect baby girl in my arms, NOT looking at her memorial box in my living room. I should be happy, fat and huge pg. Not just fat and miserable. I should have a beautiful HUGE pg belly, not a flabby belly with nothing to show for it.

I am feeling a lot better emotionally, I have more good days than bad. But every once in awhile something makes me cry or have sad days... I do think of Grace often, and talk about her. Talking about her makes me feel better. I really hate it when people shy away or "shut down" when I talk about Grace by name. She was my child and I will never forget her. I think of her everytime I look in my 4 yo's eyes because she looked just like her...

Though I have come so far I still feel like a peice of my heart is missing. She will always have a special place in my heart that even another child will not be able to fill. I do not want to replace her by trying again, I want to give her a younger sibling here on earth for her to watch over.

So much has happened since baby Grace grew wings and flew to heaven. I have grown in my faith, and have dedicated my life to telling people about God. I want them to know about how he "carried me through" my losses. How he comforted me so I could turn around and comfort others that are going through what I did.

I have learned that I have MTHFR with elevated homocysteine levels, which can cause problems in pregnancy. So now I am being treated to hopefully increase my chances of having a healthy pregnancy next time.

I am still envious of pregnant women and babies. I dont think that will ever go away til I have my own healthy baby in my arms. Its not quite as bad, but it does bother me when I hear of women who are pg and not happy about it, or they werent trying, etc... Its just not fair.

There are so many people that helped me thru my losses. I have made friends that I never would have without losing Grace. I have a new respect for my pastor and all the support he has given me. My church family has really come to my "rescue" and walked me through. Some online friends have impacted me more than they realize and for that I am greatful. You sometimes touch peoples lives by doing something very small, yet to the person you are doing it for it is a very big thing.

Progress, I am making progress.. I am healing.. But there will be a part of me that will never be the same....

Remembrance service followup...

So we made the decision. We did not attend the rememberance service at the hospital today. Instead yesterday we decided to take a "road trip" to Hannibal, MO. We had a great time with our DD's.. We went thru the Mark Twain cave, historic hannibal, carriage ride, shopping, eating homemade fudge, and anything else we wanted to do! We had a fabulous time and enjoyed spending time together as a family..

Why did we decide not to go to the service? Because DH & I decided that we had a beautiful service for Grace with our family, church family, and our friends in attendance. We both decided that we didnt need to drudge up the old feelings and regress in our healing.

I do feel bad, but in a way I have memorialized her in so many other ways that going to the service wasnt going to change any of that. I believe that my baby Grace is in heaven and she is sitting up there with Jesus and all the other babies who have gone way too soon. I dont think she would care that I missed a service, I think she would approve of the fact that we are moving on and healing from her loss. I know that one day I will be reunited with her in heaven.

We made the decision that was right for us.

Healing from the loss of a child.....

This was posted on a message board I frequent and it spoke volumes to me! I guess I am doing pretty well according to this. I dont think people truly understand how hard it is to "function" half-way normal after losing a baby...

If you are healing from the loss of a child and you get out of bed in the morning,
You are doing well.

If you healing from the loss of a child and you hold down a job,
You are amazing.

If you are healing from the loss of a child and and you are still remotely pleasant to others,
You are a lot nicer than me.

If you are healing from the loss of a child and you cannot always be there for a friend,
You are still a good friend and a strong enough person to know what is best for you.


If you are healing from the loss of a child and you cry daily or have nightmares,
You are normal.

If you are healing from the loss of a child and seeing happy, healthy pregnant women makes you sad, angry, jealous and worse,
Join the club

If you are healing from the loss of a child and think that what happened was your fault,
you are wrong, but you are not alone.

If you are healing from the loss of a child and feel like your significant other truly understands and is 100% supportive,
He or she is rare and a keeper.

If you are healing from the loss of a child and you have a good support system,
It will help A LOT.

If you are healing from the loss of a child and feel painfully alone and isolated,
Please know that there are thousands of people healing with you in spirit.

If you are healing from the loss of a child but still looking to the future,
you are a survivor.

Rememberance Service...

I got an invitation a while back to attend a rememberance service at the hospital where I delivered Grace.. I called and responded that I would be there. Now that the service is this coming Sunday I am having second thoughts. I am worried that all my progress will go down the tubes and that the service will "set me back" in my emotional healing.

I feel like I have made so much progress in the last 15 weeks. (Wow almost 4 months already..) What if it takes me back to all the new raw grief I felt when I first had Grace. What if it does more damage than good? What do I do? I dont know if I even want to go now. My 13 yo DD has expressed that she doesnt want to go, so I guess it would just be me & DH...

*Should I stay or should I go? na na na na the song is going thru my head.. Do I go and risk drudging up all the old pain? Or do I stay home and eventually look back and regret that I didnt go to honor Grace's memory?

This is really a tough decision to make. Unfortunately I have been in the greatest mood the last couple days and that could very well be contributing to the way I am feeling now. I guess I need to talk to DH about it and see what he thinks. We havent really talked about it other than saying we were going to go. I dont know if he even remembers that it is this weekend.

At this point I just dont know what to do. I am so confused. : (

Little Angels...

I just felt the need to post this here and remind myself that my precious baby Grace is in heaven...

Little Angels
When God calls little children
to dwell with Him above.
We mortals sometimes questionthe wisdom of His love.
for no heartache compares withthe death of one small child,
who does so much to make our world
seem wonderful and mild.Perhaps God tires of calling
the aged to His fold.So He picks a rosebud
before it can grow old.God knows how much we need them
and so He takes but few,to make the land of Heaven
more beautiful to view.Believing this is difficult
still somehow me must try.The saddest word mankind
know will always be "Goodbye".
So when a child departs
we who are left behind,
must realize God loves children,
Angels are hard to find.
~Author Unknown

Coincidence or act of God?

How many times do we say "what a coincidence"? But as believers shouldnt we believe that God put us in that situation for a reason. I was wondering why I had been asked to step in as a teacher at VBS and had no idea why God would put me in that place. But then the "coincidence" came in that I was with two people who understood pg loss and we were able to share and it was very comforting.

I am going to try to no longer say it was a "coincidence" or that I was "in the right place at the right time". I believe that God puts us right where he wants us. Maybe he puts a roadblock in your way, and it puts us back on the path of where we are supposed to be. I truly believe that God put me in that position for a reason and that there was no "coincidence" to it.

This week...

This week has been crazy busy. Between doing VBS and trying to catch up on housework it has been complete and utter madness. We have two more nights of VBS and then I am looking forward to catching up on some sleep.

I did have a great experience last night. I was talking to another lady at the church that was working with the preschoolers. It turns out that she had two losses as well. She lost an early pg and then lost a baby three days after it was born. We talked about the losses and grief that we both shared and it felt really good to be able to talk about it. It was almost therapeutic.

I also shared with the mom that had the 8 wk old baby. And she shared with me that her best friend had lost a baby at 14 wks recently. You just never know how common m/c is because people are afraid to talk about it. I vow to no longer be quiet about my losses. I want to tell people so that they can understand that it IS real and it does happen to women.. Its a secret socitey that I want to become very public.

Just another step in the healing process. Thank you Jesus, for pushing me out of my comfort zone and right into the path of another woman who understands my loss, no matter how long ago it was for her. I realize that you put me at VBS for a reason and I thank you. Eventually I will learn to stop questioning your motives when you put me on a specific path. Its a blessing that you are so patient with me!

VBS....

I got a call yesterday morning asking if I could step in and be a teacher for VBS at my dad's church. I had originally planned to be an assistant, but not a teacher. In fact I remember saying "the last thing I would want to do is teach and work in the same class my 4 yo DD is in ."

Everytime I say that I dont want to do something, it seems that God puts me in the situation anyway. I guess he wants to push me into doing new things. I was so scared and stressed because I hadnt even seen the teaching material until an hour before VBS started last night. I was a mess, so worried that I wouldnt do something right. So busy worrying that I forgot to ask God to be with me and guide me. Well I know he was with me and that he did guide me because it seemed that the words just came fluently out of my mouth, like it wasnt even me doing the talking. It caught me off guard. And I didnt even realize it until after it was over. It was like an "out of body experience" during the bible story time.

I believe that God sent me there to take me out of my comfort zone and make me do something I had never done before. There are some days I wish he didnt like pushing me so much.. However, I do feel that I will be blessed for my availability. God knows I couldnt have done it without His help. I dont have the ability, just made myself available.

He did test me, one of the mom's didnt want to leave her kids there so she stayed with our class the entire time. She had two kids that were in my class and an 8 wk old baby with her. I had to look at him the entire time. It suprisingly didnt bother me as much as I thought it would. I guess either I am healing, or I am supressing feelings. I hope its the first and not the second.

A good day...

Today was a good day. I got to meet some online friends that have something in common with me. They have all lost a baby. It was so great to spend time talking to them about experiences, etc.. Even though it was the first time we had met in real life I felt like I already knew them.

In talking to one of the girls, I thanked her for the support she had given me when I was going thru both of my losses. She had inspired me with scriptures after I lost the baby in October. It helped me keep the faith and move forward. I was able to stay strong in my faith with her example. I cant say I would be where I am today without all the support she has given me. She even has talked to me since the loss of baby Grace.

Here is the lesson in it. She didnt think that what she had done was "that big of a deal". But to me it meant the world! What she thought was something very simple really and truly touched my life. I dont believe that God put her in my life by accident. She was put in my life for a purpose. And even her "small gestures" were so powerful to me...

Never under estimate the power of a small simple gesture done out of the goodness in your heart. For you it may be "no big deal" but for someone else it might mean EVERYTHING. She didnt know me, didnt have to care, didnt have to support me. But she chose to help me, and to care. And that made all the difference.

I have made it my personal mission to reach out to those who are hurting, who have suffered the loss of a child. And to those who just dont understand. I want to educate people about pregnancy loss and how faith shaking it can be.

I keep thinking about something my pastor told me when I was at a counseling session after losing baby Grace. He told me "God can take your greatest misery and turn it into your greatest ministry." I laughed it off, I thought he was bonkers. But now I truly feel that God has a greater purpose in my life. I dont know yet what it will be. But if I can touch one person's life as much as this other girl touched mine, then my purpose has been fulfilled. I just truly hope that I am given the opportunity to help another girl who is going thru a pregnancy loss. I dont want the "Chain of Love" to end with me.. Listen to this song.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9S2sUt60HOc (sorry its not the best audio)

More than I can handle?

People always say "God will not give you more than you can handle" and most days I believe it. However today I dont believe it. I believe that he has put more than I can handle on my shoulders. I got a call from the dr today about my test results.. He told me that I have MTHFR. I dont completely understand everything about it yet, but I know that it can cause me to have problems staying pregnant. I also know that he said it was probably the cause of my losses.

I wish that my old ob had been proactive enough to check for this before she told me to get pg again. It would have saved me a lot of heartache! I know that I should be happy that I have a diagnosis, but it really makes me sad.

Today I am angry at God. I am angry that he put the desire in my heart for another child, and now he is making it so difficult to get there. I am angry that he has let me suffer through two losses and now this diagnosis. Im just mad at him period. It doesnt mean I dont trust him and wont follow him. I just dont feel Him right now..

I guess I could be looking at it the wrong way. Maybe he gave me the diagnosis so I could have a healthy pregnancy.. I just dont understand. It just seems so unfair. And I know what people area going to say (because I have heard the comment already) "you HAVE two beautiful children, just be happy with them". They just dont understand that the desire for another child is not going to go away.

I am just sick to my stomach. God - Why me? Why now? Can I get a "break" please! I am begging for things to go right for me for a change. I hate to be a "debby downer" but today I am. I just cant be happy today. Maybe tomorrow but not today. Today I am wallowing in my misery. And thats not normal. I try to be so positive. Today I need prayers from my friends. Prayers that I can see God with me, that I can feel his presence during these "trials".

I have said it many times "alot of people say they have a storm cloud that follows them around. Well I dont have a storm cloud, I have a monsoon that just waits to DUMP on me." And to top it off now my DH is questioning whether God put the desire for another child in our hearts or if we put it there ourselves.. He made me cry. I truly believe that God put the desire there for me to have another child during the mission trip I went on last summer. I just dont understand why it has to be so difficult.

Maybe God is testing to see if I will persevere through these "storms" or "trials". I know the prize is an awesome one, but I just dont have the strength to fight today..

Please God grant me strength and comfort me today.. I need your help to make it through. I cant stand on my own two feet. Im weak. Please God I need you today..

I did it!

I got close to a baby today. Didnt pick him up but I was able to talk to his mom without crying. It was the first time I had talked to her in 3 months since I lost Grace. I was in the same room with him at church. It was the biggest step I have made since delivering Grace.

This is living proof that God is with me. There is no way I could have made it through without Him!

My due date....

Today is my due date from the pregnancy I lost in October 08 (right before I got pregnant with Grace).. Wow, I didnt even think about it this morning when I woke up. And it isnt bothering me as much as it should.. I should either have a baby to hold in my arms right now or be delivering that baby. I think it will hit me more when Grace's due date comes up (August 22 by u/s or August 31st by dates).. I guess that one will hit me harder.

But I feel so guilty for not being upset today. Its like that baby I lost didnt count as much as Grace. But I was only pg for 8 wks. I carried Grace for 18 wks.. I know that both of my babies are in heaven, but I wonder why it doesnt bother me today? Is there something wrong with me? Or am I in denial? Who knows.. Maybe I will never know.

I do have a very busy day today with my oldest DD having the formal installation today. My other DD is participating too. I guess I am caught up in that and maybe that is why I am not emotional today... Maybe it will hit me later, maybe it will hit me never..

That baby was precious to me too, and its not like I have forgotten where I have been. I remember it vividly going to the dr and them telling me that my baby had quit developing and there was no hope. I remember having to go to church after that. I found out about that loss during the Missions Kickoff week at church where I was bringing my horse to church for the Youth Night (it was a western theme). And I still went through with bringing my horse to church all the while knowing I was going to lose my pg. I put on a "happy face" and went through the services and activities.

That was a miserable time for me.. But I was happy to have something to keep my mind off what was really going on. I think I was in denial until I had to have the D&C. Oh to go back to the days of being naive during pregnancy and thinking that nothing could ever happen to take it from you. I wish I was naive and could be blissfully happy while pregnant. I dont think that will ever happen again.

Lord, please watch over my babies that are with you in heaven. I truly wish I could have kept them here on earth, but I understand that they have a greater purpose with You. Please grant me peace and help me through this day. A day that is already stressful because of the events in it. Plesae do not let me lose sight of what is most important. I ask these things in Jesus name, Amen!

Prayers....

We went to Wednesday night prayer service tonight. Last week I had a meeting so I didnt get to sit in on the "lesson". So I didnt know that they were discussing prayer... We did our prayer time, then he started talking about prayer. How there is power in "group prayer".

He used several different scriptures, but then read James 4:2-3 You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

I felt like there was a spotlight over my head blinking "GUILTY GUILTY".... I have been guilty of praying with the wrong motives.. I dont pray "God please bless me with a child, if it is your will." I pray "God please let me get pregnant this month, and please let it be a healthy baby, that ends up with me delivering full term and bringing the baby home to raise." WOW how guilty is that? I cant just pray the simple prayer.. I have to put "conditions" on the prayer. Not just "God please bless me with a child"..

It hit me like a ton of bricks and I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I felt horrible. I need to ask God for forgiveness for not being able to trust in him that he will "give me the desires of my heart".. If I dont let go of this control over the prayer and putting all my conditions on it - He is never going to bless me with another child. I need to learn to trust him completely and put all my cares in Him.

This is going to be a struggle for me. But who says change is ever easy. There is no bargaining with God. How will I change my prayer and put my trust completely in God? Its not going to be a simple process Im afraid. Its going to be very complicated and trying. I feel like I am just such a mess right now. How did I get here from the place I was right after delivering Grace, when I was closer than ever to God. I feel like I have gotten so far away from that place. I feel like even though I know He is with me always, that I am pushing Him away lately.

Goodness I thought I was doing ok, but after hearing how selfish I have been in my prayers I am feeling really guilty. God knows I am a work in progress. Now to figure out where to go from here..

Just for today...

Just For TodayJust for today, I will try to live through the next 24 hours...not expecting to get over my child's death, but learning to live with it...one day at a time
Just for today, I'll remember my child's life, not his death, and bask in the comfort of the treasured days and moments we shared.
Just for today, I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.
Just for today, I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child. For they are hurting too, and perhaps we can help each other.
Just for today, I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt. For deep in my heart, I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.
Just for today, I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child, be it my own, or someone else's, because I know that would make my child proud.
Just for today, I will offer my hand in friendship to other bereaved parents, fo I DO know how they feel.
Just for today, I will smile...no matter how much I hurt on the inside...for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today, I will allow myself to be happy and enjoy myself, for I know I am not deserting my child by moving on.
Just for today, I will accept that I did NOT die when my child did. My life did go on and I am the ONLY one who can make that life worthwhile again.
~by V.Tushingham, taken from the Bereaved Parents of the USA Tampa Bay Newsletter, Sept 2001.

Little angels poem...

Little AngelsWhen God calls little childrento dwell with Him above.We mortals sometimes questionthe wisdom of His love.for no heartache compares withthe death of one small child,who does so much to make our worldseem wonderful and mild.Perhaps God tires of callingthe aged to His fold.So He picks a rosebudbefore it can grow old.God knows how much we need themand so He takes but few,to make the land of Heavenmore beautiful to view.Believing this is difficultstill somehow me must try.The saddest word mankind know will always be "Goodbye".So when a child departswe who are left behind,must realize God loves children,Angels are hard to find.~Author Unknown

How do I............

get close to a baby now? That was my question today.. How can I go near the baby that was born about 4 weeks ago at my church? I have been avoiding his mom like the plague since I lost Grace. It was just too much for me to handle. And now the baby has been born and she is bringing him, I feel like a jerk for running the other way everytime she comes down the hall with the him.. And it makes me feel like an awful person.. I should be happy for her, and want to see the baby up close. Instead I run for the hills everytime she is near..

This is not the kind of person I want to be. But I am so afraid that being near him would just bring me to tears. Isnt that silly? As much as I long for another baby I cant bring myself to get near one? What is wrong with me? I dont want to be "that girl" that cant get through her own grief to be happy for someone who thankfully didnt have to experience what I went through. I would never wish a pg loss or infant loss on anyone. It is something that I wish no one ever had to experience.

So how do I get past this? By the grace of God I guess. I guess I am just going to have to "put on my big girl panties and deal with it.." I just dont want to turn into a blubbering mess in the middle of church. And I wonder, is the girl not going to want me near her or her baby since I have been avoiding her like the plague for months? Or is there a possibility that she understands what I have been through and wont hold it against me? Do I take the chance? Or do I just let it be for now?

Before, when I was pg with Grace, I was a VIP member of the "pg club". Ya know the group that stands around and talk about pg symptoms, compare bellies, dr stories, etc... But after I delivered Grace, it was like I was the black sheep of the group! I was suddenly no longer a member, and no longer acceptable to be around them.. Because I was a reminder of how quickly a pregnancy could be taken away. I was the reminder that no pregnancy was guaranteed! I was that "percentage" of women who couldnt carry a pregnancy to term. They didnt even want to know the details, too fearful that they might become like me. What an awful feeling. I still feel that way... And it is a very lonely place to be.

Maybe one day there will be more pregnancy loss awareness, and women wont be the "black sheep" anymore... That is my prayer.. That we wont be treated like freaks. That we will be accepted into the "clubs" and not just the club of "women who have lost babies" that no one wants to join or talk about.

Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why cant it be easy. Grief is a process that I dont know if I will ever truly get through.

God please grant me the strength to get through this mess..