An Angel of Brotherly Love

On Friday an angel named Little Jose helped me fix my cars for hours and hours in the cold. All of this while Little Jose had a painful sinus infection. Then on Saturday, Little Jose and his wife, Nicole Kidman, made a delicious dinner of baby back ribs (with my favorite barbecue sauce in the whole world) for my entire family. On Sunday, Little "Angel" Jose, brought me warm cookies, just out of the oven. All I can say is, Little Jose and Nicole Kidman, thank you. You are beautiful people.

Aimee and Glen Must Have 6 Children

I once asked my friend Aimee how many kids she has. She told me, "I don't know, ask Heavenly Father for me." I did and Aimee and Cutie must bring 6 children into the world. (If they want to go to Heaven.) Amen.

Chariots of Fire

Janel made the world wide web after her first 5K run. See Janel finishing the race here:
http://www.wacostriders.com/images/photo/jingle/Image8.jpg
She's wearing red and has bells on her shoes because the race had a theme. It was the "Jingle Bell Run" to raise money for arthritis research. Good job, Janel! Now run home and make me dinner!

A Short Anecdote

Amanda came into my office 3 minutes ago with one of her "babies." She asked me to use one of her hair scrunchees to "tie the baby's hands and feet up." So, I complied and hog-tied her baby's hands and feet behind its back. Then Amanda said, "Pretend I'm the police. And pretend that I'm taking your baby away."

Amanda and the "perp."

Hailey LOVES Santa

Now that I have had a chance to clearly see how terrified Hailey was I feel bad for taking this picture instead of punching Santa's lights out.

Sideburns that Actually Burninate (your eyes)

Bryan is on heroic mission to grow gigantic sideburns. He doesn't care what people think, he just wants his 'burns to be EPIC. He hopes to have the furriest cheeks in the world by the year 2050. Bryan's wife Karin wants him to shave but a little thing like a wife and womanly love won't stop Bryan. I've digitally altered a picture of Bryan and his chops so you can see what he'll look like in 35 years if continues his quest. I think he looks good. What do you think?

BRYAN BROWN (in 34-36 years)

Dashing!

This is one of my Health Care Litigation professors--according to Bryan.

Facts:

1. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

2. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Three days later he grew a beard.

3. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and then threw it up a few seconds later fully cooked with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

4. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him dinner.

5. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

6. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

School Calendar

Christmas Break: 12/22/05 to 1/04/06

March 11 - 19, 2006: Spring Break (busy quarter)

April 14 - 16, 2006: Easter Break (busy quarter)

Break between quarters: April 29 - May 8, 2006 (good time for a visit)

July 25 - 27: Bar Exam

July 29: Commencement

My Hernia

Along the inguinal ligament near the lower intestinal wall
I've got a little secret so don't shout it in the hall.
He's my little buddy so please don't laugh or tease,
he lets me know that he's still there each time I cough or sneeze.

My friend is very sensitive, sweet, and extra kind,
he's a bit of small intestine that has gotten in a bind.
He's really worked quite hard and he's found a little tear;
Bob's a section of my bowel trying to escape and get some air.

My hernia's name is Bob, and when I do some stuff he sings,
like laughing, straining on the toilet, and lifting heavy things.
Bob is not as bad as you might think him to be
He's aching for some freedom and to live outside of me.

Bob's life is very difficult for he never quite escapes
I've caught him quite a few times making interesting shapes.
If Bob ever gets too sassy in trying to protrude
I poke him firmly and I tell him, "Get back in their dude."

Love, Love, Love

I'd like to dedicate this post to my good friends, Janel and David. This picture reminds me of a song my good buddy, Steve, from Blues Clues, likes to sing; "love, love, love." I bet that Janel and David smooched right after this picture. In fact, I bet that Janel is always bugging David for smooches. Poor David.

Baylor Law School Tops Bar Exam Pass Rate - Again

Nov. 7, 2005

Baylor Law School's winning tradition continues as its students again posted the highest passing percentage in the latest Texas Bar Exam. Results announced this week show that Baylor law students achieved a 93.51 percent pass rate for the bar exam taken in July 2005, topping the pass rates of students from the other eight law schools in the state.
Of the 77 Baylor law students who took the two-day examination, 72 passed. The overall state pass rate was 83.14 percent, with a total of 1,519 successful candidates among the 1,827 students who took the exam.
The bar exam is given twice each year and Baylor Law School has an unsurpassed record of success on the exam. Law Dean Brad Toben said the first-place result again underscores the effectiveness of Baylor Law School's distinctive program.
"This is yet again a testament to our longstanding and proven approach to the education of our students for service within a profession; a team of faculty and staff that consistently goes to the mat for our students and for this school, putting students first; and our stated mission as a school that guides us in getting the job done - not only for our students - but also for the public and the profession.
"Thanks go to each person on our team, both within and outside our school, who by their hard work, support and encouragement make the ever-continuing remarkable successes in our program possible," he added.
Baylor Law School's continued bar exam success is reflected in the U.S.News & World Report's recently released "2006 Best Graduate School" rankings. Among published statistics for the Texas law schools ranked by the publication, Baylor has the highest bar passage rate at 94.2 percent, which is just below the 94.8 percent bar passage rate of the No. 1 school in the U.S. News list, Yale University.
The publication also ranks Baylor Law's trial advocacy program as the sixth best in the nation in its survey, one spot up from last year and five places up from 2003, when it was ranked 11th. In 2002, Baylor's trial advocacy program was ranked 16th nationally. Overall, Baylor Law School is rated 52nd by U.S. News in what the publication terms its "Top 100 Schools" listing. For its 2006 rankings, the magazine evaluated 179 accredited law schools nationwide, using 12 "measures of quality."

Actual Conversation

David: "I like your pudding fork."
Bryan: "What, you have a problem with it?"
David: (laughing) "I love your pudding fork."
Bryan: (apologetically) "We have a lot of plastic forks." (He takes two more bites of his pudding using a plastic fork.) "The only problem is when you get to the bottom. What time is it?"

Bryan reads his homework for ten minutes.

Bryan: "I don't get my Secured Transactions reading." (paraphrased)
David: "Say something funny."
Bryan: "Why, are you writing on your blog?"
David: "No, just say something funny."
Bryan: "No, I don't wanna say something funny."
David: "I hate your pudding fork."

Bryan reads more homework.

David: "What if we're only friends because we were in law school jail together."
Bryan: "But we hang out when we're not at school."
David: "That's true. My armpits itch. I have these really dry spots right here, I always put lotion on them but nothing works. I need to try a new deodorant."
Bryan: "I don't wear deodorant. Heck, I don't even bathe."

Creepiest Website Ever

http://www.pixyland.org/peterpan/

I saw this guy on Conan and then a friend of mine showed this website to me.

"These hairs are the secret to my super hearing. And the reason my wife has tried to murder me four times."

Costume Party

One time there was this one guy named Ned, and he was like totally wailing on his wife at the ward party. His wife won the most rated-R costume. If you are not Ned, don't worry about understanding this post. Then there was this other guy. His name was Bryan. He just wanted me to type this so he could be on the internet. Then there was this crazy lady at church and she took my basketball and wouldn't give it back.

WARNING: This post rated PG-13

Before you read any more, check this out first: http://toasthabit.blogspot.com/2005/10/fourth-type-of-beauty.html

My brother-in-law Jacob, who happens to be the biggest fan of Whitesnake in the entire universe, calls his favorite musical genre "butt-rock" not "glam-rock." You may be asking, "What makes him an expert?" First of all, he has an electric guitar and a giant amp in his bedroom. Second of all, he actually likes Poison, Def Leopard, and Tesla. Third of all, he played our national anthem on a red electric guitar at his high school graduation.

If your still not convinced that it's "butt-rocker" not "glam-rocker," just imagine yourself walking down the street when out of nowhere you see a dude in camoflauge spandex and red suspenders wailing on his guitar. Most people imagine a little spin move right here. Now, honestly, what were you thinking at the very moment he did his little spin move in your mind? I already know the answer: "That dude is a total butt-rocker." End of debate.

I've been thinking a lot about The Toastinator and his spandex a lot lately. So much in fact that I built a stone monument to the idea in my front yard. A tribute to "hair bands" everywhere. I had one of Jacob's butt-rocking bandmates stand on it. I call it "Butt Rock." By the way, that's a dude.

My Pixie

At our ward "Fall Festival" a little pixie flew down from the sky and I caught her. (A pixie is a cheerfully mischievious sprite.)

Soon, my little pixie was on a sugar high like no other.

We met some ballerinas as well. They were so cute.
One was named Sulla and the other called herself China.

Today, we told Hailey that her carrot wasn't real. She was shocked.



Then crushed.



It just doesn't taste the same once you know it's made of plastic.

Scientists Discover a "Dork" Gene

From the New York Post:

New York, New York--Genetics researchers at Atlantic University claim to have discovered what they affectionately call the "dork" gene. Dr. Wendell Charles Beane, chair of the genetics program at Atlantic University, claims that social outcasts have something more in common than just pocket protectors and fanny packs.

According to Dr. Beane, "Social outcasts may share a gene that explains their affinity for Dungeon's and Dragons, polyester stretch pants, geology, ninjas, ceramic figurines, unicorns, James Dean, calculus, hanging at the mall, lawn ornaments, jojoba shampoo, rainbows, soccer (United States only), geography, leather vests, accordions, vests, Volkswagens, exercise videos, microscopes, bowling, soy, perms, obscure holidays, servers, saying "bling-bling," chat rooms, USC, America's Funniest Home Videos, jazz, demolition derbies, law school, the Dixie Chicks, Star Trek, Democrats, purple, sparkly things, paintings of wolves, dream catchers, dandruff, bologna, Canada, outer space, celebrities in general, Trivial Pursuit, People magazine, encyclopedias, machine guns, siliceous and horny sponges, blogs, fuzzy dice, talk radio, mass transit, genetics, Def Leopard, cats, poison darts, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, lists of dorky things, sea horses, superheroes, nasal spray, reptiles, designing screen savers, tattoos, stamps, computers, engineering (sorry Kaleb), computer engineering, chemistry, sucking at sports, making money from home, acne, no facial hair (men only), plaid, having big butts, Star Wars, and garlic."

Dr. Beane teaches his students that "liking more than one thing on this list definitely means that you have the "dork" gene and that on one hand you should be totally psyched because reptiles and ninjas are tricky and sweet." But on the other hand, if you have "a big butt, you'd better use your collection of exercise videos more because a big butt makes it harder to ride the bus to awesome Star Trek conventions and messes up the calibration on your tricorder." Dr. Beane definitely gets his students hyped for class by showing videos of Def Leopard's drummer in action while they find their seats. Then he brings them down slowly by playing a serene slideshow including pictures of unicorns, rainbows, outer space, Panda bears, sea horses and horny sponges as he explains why the "dork" gene is the sweetest of all genes.

Underkofler v. Vanasek

Greetings kind reader. Today's topic is a very interesting court case that was heard before the Texas Supreme Court in 2000. The case centers around a dispute between landlord and tenant. Like most "interesting" court cases the legal issues are quite dull while the facts are sensational.

It so happens that Mr. Underkofler was an unfortunate tenant with a wacky landlord. You might say that the landlord in this case, Mr. Vanasek, is eccentric, but it is more likely that you'll say he's crazy. For Mr. Vanasek loves to fulminate. To fulminate is to hurl denunciations, menaces, or censures. It also means to explode. Mr. Vanasek loves gophers . . . a lot. He loves gophers more than ice cream, humans, or even a nice lawn.

Soon after Underkofler moved into Vanasek's rental house, located adjacent to Vanasek's primary residence, Underkofler realized that there were quite a few gophers inhabiting his backyard. He requested that Mr. Vanasek hire a pest control specialist. Vanasek immediately began to fulminate. Underkofler fled the scene and retreated to the safety of his rental house to escape the angry tirade. Understandably upset, Underkofler hired an exterminator himself. However, the exterminator was never able to rid Underkofler of the sub-terranian rodents because Vanasek verbally assaulted the exterminator and the exterminator's mother each time the exterminator attempted to service Underkofler's yard.

Soon, Underkofler's residence was overcome by an infestation of gophers. Underkofler's various attempts at self-help were unsuccesful because they were intentionally thwarted by his landlord. If Underkofler tried to poison the rodents, Vanasek would clean up the poison and then feed the animals carrots and lettuce. Vanasek was so generous to the gophers that Underkofler began to complain about the stench of rotting vegetables after Vanasek threw more vegetables over the fence than the thousands of gophers could injest before the food began to rot. At trial, an expert from the Fish and Game Commission testified that he had never seen so many gophers in such a small area and that the existence of this "gopher paradise" was definitely due to Vanasek's efforts to accomodate them.

So Underkofler did the only thing a reasonably prudent person would do under the same or similar circumstances. He piled some sandbags around his back porch, and armed with a .22 caliber rifle equipped with a silencer, began to "take out" the hapless gophers. As soon as he saw what was happening, Vanasek, inexplicably dressed in black and wearing face paint, tried to sneak up on Underkofler. In an attempt to enter the bunker and "take out" Underkofler, Vanasek was shot twice in the right knee.

Anyway, the neighbors sued each other but I've already told you the only really interesting part of the story.

Comments?

I love it when people comment on my blog. Leaving comments gives me the motivation I need to keep posting. A comment is like paying me to write for you. You are stealing if you are reading this without commenting on it. Comments are the best. Thanks for commenting.

I think that more people would comment if I posted more controversial stuff. Here is a list of possible topics for future posts. Let me know which one you feel is most likely to force you to leave a comment.

Which topic is most controversial or comment-worthy?

• Prohibition
• Bad manners concerning the chewing of gum
• All about stealing political signs from other people's front yards
• Whether or not it is right to run someone off the road when they try to pass you illegally
• A blog entry all about my favorite foods
• An entry about how Texas executes almost 1 person per day and West Virginia hasn't executed anyone for 20 years although the laws in both states concerning capital punishment are similar
• A discussion about why money smells like it does
• An article about how rug burn is more painful than regular burn
• Which is more feminine, sparkly purple or sparkly yellow?
• A discussion about why the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk is better than Disneyland.
• What is a hernia?
• Are jalepenos the new pickle?
• Why does the spell checker always try to change "jalepeno" to "sleeping?"
• "Man, that was a spicy sleeping!"
• The correct pronunciation of err
• Pictures of stuff on my floor

Napoleon

Kip

Give me some Doritos...or else.

Hurricane Rita

Hurricane Rita certainly took its toll on our little family. Pictured above is Amanda Grace, glaring angrily after Rita blew her right out of bed.



Rita's destructive force was evident as we surveyed our back porch and the clutter Rita left behind.




The photograph above was not taken anywhere near central Texas.



Another victim of Hurricane Rita, this hose appears to be quite askew.



This wind chime may have been audible many times during the storm itself.

More Photographs

Recent Photographs

Ethan is definitely smiling in this one...

Yum

Hailey is actually trying to eat my first nephew. She has three teeth now, so theoretically, she could do it.

What?

Compare the following quotes and then laugh when you realize that Pat Robertson once wrote that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a cult.

President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Gordon B. Hinckley-

"Now, there is much that we can and must do in these perilous times. We can give our opinions on the merits of the situation as we see it, but never let us become a party to words or works of evil concerning our brothers and sisters in various nations on one side or the other. Political differences never justify hatred or ill will. I hope that the Lord’s people may be at peace one with another during times of trouble, regardless of what loyalties they may have to different governments or parties.
Let us pray for those who are called upon to bear arms by their respective governments and plead for the protection of heaven upon them that they may return to their loved ones in safety."

Pat Robertson-

"If he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war."-- On Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, August 2005

"Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up." -- Referring to the State Department's location while criticizing the agency, October 2003

Hmmm.

Back in Texas

The Warners are back in Waco! We drove to Julia and Kaleb's house on Saturday. I really enjoyed visiting Kalup and Hoolia. Julia and I stayed up all night talking. Their little Ethan is so cute and sweet. He let me hold him quite a bit and I even got to babysit him once. Then we left their house on Monday morning about 8am and drove straight through to Waco. That was the first time I'd ever driven 20 hours in a row with 2 kids in the car. It wasn't too bad. We stopped and ate at Pizza Hut and had a good time watching movies the whole way. Our truck was waiting for us at the Brown's house when we arrived in Waco last night at 3:30am. Unfortunately, most of the transmission fluid had leaked onto Bryan and Karin's driveway. So now it's in the shop.

We went to check out our new place this morning. It stinks a little, but it is a little bigger than our duplex in Robinson, has a fireplace, is closer to everything, and has a fenced back yard. Overall, it is a great place to live for the last year of law school. We're pleased with it but we won't get our keys until 2pm tomorrow. We didn't plan to drive straight through yesterday so that is why we won't have our keys on time. It is a good thing we didn't stop at hotel because now we can use our hotel money to fix the truck!

Janel and I are really glad that Bryan and Karin are letting us stay at their house. It is so comfortable and clean. What friends!

Everyone is taking a nap, I'd better go join them.

Squirrels are Funny

The topic of my essay today is the squirrel. Often regarded as adorable, cute, and cuddly, the squirrel is also the funniest creature known to man. You may be saying to yourself, "Like anyone can even know that, Garlicboy." Be still, gentle reader, be still. I seek your benevolent attention as I endeavor to quiet your doubts concerning the humor of the humble, yet often hysterical, squirrel. Unlike the grotesque rat, or the menacing opossum, the most gregarious inhabitants of our great nation's parks offer hours of entertainment daily and ask for only a few pounds of tortilla chips in return. Why tortilla chips? Because tortilla chips are funny! Especially when they are on fire.

In the eloquent words of the great Professor Wilson, "Moving right along." Imagine a world, a world full of squirrels. Close your eyes if you must, the visualization is key. In this world all the squirrels wear clothing. Some of them dress nattily, others sloppily. However, no matter how they dress, they are all funny. That is because they are dressed like humans but still act like squirrels in some ways. They stuff their little cheeks full of tortilla chips, grapes, and whatever else they can fit into those little pouches. Conversely, a little police brutality where the squirrels are the cops, their cheeks are stuffed with donuts, they have little toothpick nightsticks, and a pigeon is the victim also evokes a chuckle. I know, I know, your stomach muscles may need a little break at this point.

I discovered the hidden comic potential of the squirrel while I was still in high school. My friend Scott and I decided that we would catch about 300 squirrels at Christmas Hill Park and then set them loose in the Nob Hill grocery store the afternoon before Thanksgiving. We imagined the startled shoppers running in panic as boxes of graham crackers flew through the air, much to the delight of our squirrels. Then, Scott and I decided that to be truly successful, our squirrels would all need to be dressed in little cotton briefs with perhaps a Batman print on them. Not only would they eat everything in sight, but they would look like naughty little squirrels who'd taken off their school uniforms to execute the mayhem. However, our plan never came to fruition, as we decided not to expose our little friends to the dangerous "butcher of Nob Hill."

We also decided to train our squirrels to look down blouses and whistle from up in the trees. Our squirrels were so funny they did one better. They dropped acorns down quite a few shirts and then went after the food they had "accidentally" dropped. Man, that was funny. Up until little "Lucky" got smacked and lost his hearing in one ear. "Chappy" said that Lucky was pushing his luck with 34 acorn drops a day. I guess he was right, but it didn't make Lucky feel any better not to hear Chappy say that.

Snakes are not as funny as squirrels. There is no way to make any Batman underwear that fits a snake.

Sometimes I wonder why squirrels are so much funnier than humans. I guess it is because there has never been a reported case of squirrels eating other squirrels. Whereas with humans, you never know who might want to eat you. Granted, humans do have a lot less fur than squirrels.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed our little chit-chat about one of the most funny mammals on the planet, the squirrel.

Heading Back to Texas

We're heading back to Texas on Saturday, 8/13/05.

Dear Jacket Lady

Dear Lady on the Bus,
Maybe you were wearing a t-shirt with an inflammatory slogan like, "Got Alien Blessings?" We all felt the heat. Everyone knew. Don’t you think that the bus driver was uncomfortable too? The driver had the air conditioner turned all the way up. Why didn’t you take off your jacket? After you asked the driver to turn up the air for the third time, I asked you, "Ma’am, why don’t you just remove your jacket?" You let out an exasperated sigh and flopped back into your seat. Maybe you have hairy forearms. It is a very nice windbreaker; shiny on the outside and soft on the inside. I've noticed that you wear it every day. Do you know that it is July? All that insulation on the inside makes it look puffy. You had it zipped up almost all the way. Maybe you have awful tattoos of unicorns on your arms? Why wouldn’t you take off your jacket? The entire bus heard you bugging the driver about the air conditioner not working. The entire bus heard you whining about the heat from under your extra-nice, fleece-lined windbreaker. Why wouldn’t you take off your jacket?

Little Pedro

Little Pedro,

I forbid you to talk to Skin Hoarder.

Love,
Garlicboy

Faithful and Patient Readers

Gentle Readers,

I apologize for not responding to your comments. You are a clever and witty audience. I have the slowest internet connection in the world. My posts will become more numerous as my connection speed increases.

Forever Yours,

Garlicboy

Hey, That's not a Sprinkler!

Other titles I considered for this post:

• There is no Detergent in Your Pee
• Hey! I Sit There!
• What? Are You too Sissy to Use a Urinal?
• Lift the Seat, Don't Leave a Treat
• You Filthy Animal

Only a handful of men work on the same floor as me. We each get a key for access to very clean staff restrooms. I enjoy the privacy and tidiness, but I have noticed that one of us doesn't lift the lid. I was washing my hands two days ago when I noticed someone enter a stall. There were two urinals free, so that got my attention. I waited to see if he sat down or not. There is NO reason for a man to use a stall unless he has a catheter or he has to "release the hostages." He decided to pee standing up without lifting the lid. I looked over the door and whispered in his ear, "You forgot to lift the lid, Sprinkles." I saw him again today in the hall. He entered the staff bathrooms on the opposite side of our floor.

Advice Column

It's time to answer some of your emails.

Dear King of Garlic,
My daughter is almost a year old. She loves to suck on the rocks she finds in her grandmother's play-yard. It wouldn't be that bad except that Grandma also has many cats who spend a lot of "quality" time in the play-yard themselves. What should I do?
Thanks,
Grossed Out In Milpitas

Dear Grossed Out,
Two options: 1) Stop letting your child play there. 2) Flood the play yard and then drop a live wire into the water. Get rid of the dead animals before Grandma gets up in the morning.
-Garlic Boy

Oh, Garlicy One,
I hate garlic.
-Garlic Hater

Dear Hater,
I'm sorry you are so dumb.
-Garlic Boy

Dear Boy,
I'm about to have a baby and I am moving this week. Is that safe?
-J.R.W.

Dear J.R.W.
You are nuts. I would never make Mrs. Garlic Boy move while she was pregnant.
-G.B.

Me and Mr. T

Mr. T and I are a lot alike. Our lives are built upon a solid foundation of hypocrisy and many an oxymoron. We both love baseball, but hate cheaters. We both adore Tuna fish sandwiches, but can't stand most seafood. We sing the hymns at church with enthusiasm, annoyed by the woman sitting behind us who imagines that she is performing "La Traviata" each Sunday morning. (Less tremolo please, Sister _______. "With Conviction" doesn't mean, "You are a banshee. Now, pop some eardrums.") Mr. T and I love animals, yet between the two of us we eat over 790 lbs. of beef a year and we each sleep under a giant rabbit-fur comforter. Neither one of us wants to get skin cancer. However, we both spend on average 2.5 hours a day sunbathing naked to maintain our perfect tans. Yes, that healthy glow Mr. T has in the ultrasound pictures? Radiation, baby.
You might be wondering how any of what I have written can even relate to the actual 28 year old man writing this and an unborn child. Like I said, our lives are built upon oxymoron upon oxymoron.
When I pop open a cold bottle of water while I'm at work tonight you probably won't hear me say, even though I will say, "This one's for you, Mr. T. This one is for you."

Finals are Over

Finals are over for the Spring Quarter at Baylor. What a week. Thanks Mrs. Garlic Boy, Amanda, and Hailey for taking care of the homestead while I was gone. I'm thankful I had a good study partner, Bryan, to keep me studying when what I really wanted to do was drive my car off of a bridge into the Brazos. Ah, the sweet, sweet, clear water of the Brazos. I've got to go get Amanda some fruit snacks. SCHOOL IS OUT, SUMMER TIME!!

Cookie Monster Epic

Mr T. is loving life. Things are going swimmingly for him. I talked to him on the phone the other day. He says that Julia doesn't get enough sleep and that he needs her to hold still more so that he can do aerobics.

There's More than One Way to Use Paper in the Restroom

Dear Bathroom Buddy:

Just like you, I use the restroom on the second floor of the law school library whenever I need to release "the hostages." I just wanted you to know that I appreciate the reading material you leave for me on the toilet paper dispenser. The variety is great and you don't cycle the books through too quickly. It takes me a while to get through the really thick novels. I especially liked, 101 Great Lawyer Jokes. I also enjoyed, "Elder Law and the 21st Century." Maybe someday we'll meet and I'll ask you to recommend some titles for my bathroom at home.

Good Reading,

Garlic Boy

My Favorite Law School Exam Characters

A gun salesman discussed in the Business Organizations exam: N.R. Ray
The wife's secret lover mentioned in the Trusts and Estates exam: Gig E. Lowe

Sometimes when I'm doing my homework a fairy visits me and grants me 3 wishes. The fairy's name is Glenda.

Amanda does a headstand at gymnastics class. No, she hasn't gotten ringworm yet Elden.

Eating a chicken bone

Bath time

Dancing Queen

Amanda

Cookie Monster Goes Bananas

Cookie Monster Advocating Eating Healthy
Cookie Monster Eating Fewer Cookies to Advocate Eating Healthy As Childhood Obesity Rates Soar

By CHELSEA J. CARTER
The Associated Press
NEW YORK Apr 7, 2005 — Something must be wrong in the land of Muppets. First PBS announced that "Sesame Street" would kick off its 36th season this week with a multiyear story arc about healthy habits. No problem there; childhood obesity rates are soaring. Then I learned of changes that turned my "Sesame Street" world upside-down.
My beloved blue, furry monster who sang "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me" is now advocating eating healthy. There's even a new song "A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food," where Cookie Monster learns there are "anytime" foods and "sometimes" foods.
"Sacrilege!" I cried. "That's akin to Oscar the Grouch being nice and clean." (Co-workers gave me strange looks. But I didn't care.)
Being a journalist, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I investigated why "Sesame Street" gave Cookie Monster a health makeover.
The answer would lead me into a world where television producers worked with health experts and politicians, a place where Cookie Monster does care about his health, and by association, the health of children.
The first place I headed was the Internet. On the Sesame Street Web site, little had changed. There was Cookie Monster, in all his blue furriness. He was holding a plate of cookies. He was chomping on a cookie. He still looked the same. But as we all know, looks can be deceiving.
So I searched the site for news on Cookie Monster and up popped a press release about the show's "Healthy Habits for Life" emphasis. Buried near the bottom was a one-sentence mention about Cookie Monster eating fewer cookies.
But what did that mean? Scarfing one plateful instead of two?
I picked up the telephone. "What's going on with Cookie Monster?" I asked the "Sesame Street" press office. "Why are you doing this?"
They sent me to Dr. Rosemarie T. Truglio, the show's vice president of research and education.
She said the show changes every year, focusing not just on teaching numbers and letters but also emotional and physical health. With the rise in childhood obesity, Truglio said "Sesame Street" is concentrating on the need to teach children about healthy foods and physical activity.
This season, each episode opens with a "health tip" about nutrition, exercise, hygiene and rest.
Truglio said "Sesame Street" also will introduce new characters, such as talking eggplants and carrots, and offer parodies, such as "American Fruit Stand." Even guest stars will address healthy activities, such as Alicia Keys talking and singing about the importance of physical activity.
Even politicians have gotten into the act, filming public service announcements with "Sesame Street" residents. In one taping, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist taught Elmo to exercise jumping up and down. In another, Sen. Hillary Clinton and the small red monster discuss the various textures and tastes of foods.
But what about their position on Cookiegate?
"Even Cookie Monster is learning to control his cookie cravings," Frist told me by e-mail. "His sage advice opened our eyes to the simple joys of a tasty cookie and now reminds us that moderation is the key to healthy living."
Cookie Monster was not available for comment. (I'm hoping he hasn't gone too Hollywood.)
"We are not putting him on a diet," said his spokesman, Truglio. "And we would never take the position of no sugar. We're teaching him moderation."
The furry one also plans to try different kinds of cookies (read: healthier cookies) rather than his just staple, chocolate chip.
But will he still scarf his food? Yes, plus the occasional object, Truglio said.
But isn't that unhealthy? Her reply: He's still Cookie Monster.
Cookie Monster appears to be happy with the new "sometimes food" song, because at the end he warbles: "Is sometimes now?"
"Yes," he's told.
So there it is. Cookie Monster still gobbles cookies, he's just a healthier version of his old self. His eyes are still googly, his fur is still scruffy and he's still messy.
Even "Sesame Street" recognizes that we all need guilty pleasures.

A "Brownish Mass" in Her Nostril

HONG KONG Apr 8, 2005 — Doctors have removed a leech from the nose of a 55-year-old Hong Kong woman after she swam and washed her face in a stream, a medical journal reported.
The woman went to her doctor complaining of nose bleeds and an occasional sensation that something was blocking her left nostril, the Hong Kong Medical Journal said in its April issue. Her family doctor noticed a "brownish mass" in her nostril but couldn't remove it because of heavy bleeding, the journal said.
The patient was taken to the emergency room, where doctors identified the problem as a bloodsucking leech. They had trouble pulling it out because the 2 inch invertebrate retracted into the nostril and disappeared, the journal said.
Part of the slimy leech was in a passage of her nasal cavity and a larger segment was in her sinus cavity, the article said.
Doctors used a nasal spray to anesthetize the dark brown leech that had a sucker on the front part of its body. "After two minutes, the leech moved slowly out of the antrum (sinus) and was retrieved with forceps," the journal said.
The woman said that one month before her symptoms developed, she swam and washed her face in a stream while hiking. Doctors checked other members of her hiking group and found another leech in the nose of a man who washed his face in the stream, the journal said.
The article said the leech could have caused suffocation if it moved into the patients' larynx, or voice box.
On the Net: A copy of the Hong Kong Medical Journal nose leech article: www.hkmj.org.hk/hkmj/

Mexican Patrol Helps Out 'Migrantes'

Mexican patrol helps out 'migrantes'
By Deborah Bulkeley
Deseret Morning News
AGUA PRIETA, Mexico — Ask Carlos A. Zozaya Moreno if the "migrantes" crossing the Sonoran desert are dangerous and he'll laugh and shake his head.
Hector Cordova, front, and Carlos A. Zozaya Moreno from Grupo Beta, a Mexican government agency, check for footprints in Sonora. Moreno, an agent with Grupo Beta, Mexico's government agency charged with protecting the human rights of migrants, listens to country music as he drives his orange pickup truck through the wilderness just south of Arizona. He's looking for signs of migrants and keeping an eye on members of the Minuteman Project, a monthlong U.S. civilian effort to watch the border and report crossers to Border Patrol. Another Grupo Beta agent, Julio Cesar Cancino, says his job is simple — to provide migrants with food, water and, if needed, a ride back to the city for medical attention. "The migrants only want to work," he said. Unlike many of the minutemen, yards away on the other side of a barbed wire fence marking the border, the Grupo Beta agents aren't armed. When asked what the chances are of finding any migrants today, the agents reply, very slim. Agent Hector Salazar said the minutemen sitting just across the border have deterred some migrants and diverted routes of "coyotes," or immigrant smugglers, but there are still people trying to cross the border here. "They don't read newspapers or watch TV," he said. "They don't know about the minutemen." The U.S. Border Patrol attributes the decreased attempts at border crossing to increased activity in the area by Mexican authorities. On this day, the Grupo Beta agents start hiking at a spot with a water container marked with a blue flag, proceed past the remnants of a camp, and continue as the path narrows. They're following a trail of footprints, abandoned water bottles and tuna cans. The path becomes just wide enough for one person at a time as it drops into a winding 6-foot ravine. The agents eventually climb out of the ravine, following the trail through twists of brambles. The migrants, they say, travel mostly at night without the aid of a flashlight.
document.
It's hard to keep up with the agents as they move along, in and out of the ravines, ducking below low-hanging branches. The terrain is at times sandy, sometimes rocky. On this April day, it's 80 degrees at noon. Critics of Grupo Beta say they are helping people illegally enter the United States. Alex Segura, a minuteman and board member of Utahns for Immigration Reform and Enforcement, said booklets that Grupo Beta agents give to those attempting to cross the border suggest they're doing more than providing humanitarian aid. "The whole bottom line of the whole survival guide is to help them survive their way into this country," he said. "We know their government is actually encouraging" illegal immigration. The booklets warn about the dangers of crossing the border and provide information about safe passage and their rights if detained in the United States. Another booklet, designed for those from countries other than Mexico, provides information about Mexican laws. Kat Rodriguez, spokeswoman for Coalici—n de Derechos Humanos in Tucson, Ariz., said most immigrants walk some 75 miles across the desert, a day or more of that before they cross the border. While the minutemen accuse Grupo Beta of aiding and abetting illegal immigration, Rodriguez sees it another way — they're helping people survive.
"The people have made a decision they are coming," she said. "To say the guide is promoting migration is to say handing someone a first-aid kit is promoting them to go out and get hurt. . . . All you can do is offer them as much as you can to prevent them from getting hurt."
Carlos A. Zozaya Moreno, left, Hector Cordova and Henry Henrez from Grupo Beta prepare to search for people hiding in the desert region of Sonora, Mexico. The group provides migrants with food and water. Andy Adame, spokesman for the Tucson Sector Border Patrol, said the Border Patrol's Search Trauma and Rescue Team routinely works with Grupo Beta on cross-border search and rescue missions and attempts to reunite families. Both governments have worked together on the Border Safety Initiative, which this year became year-round, since 2001. "The bottom line is we're out there trying to save lives," Adame said. "Our primary mission is to secure the border, but we do have a responsibility to make the borders safe." Adame said he hasn't seen Grupo Beta try to deter anyone from crossing the border, but they do warn people about the dangers. The summer heat is most severe in western Arizona, he said, where temperatures reach 118 degrees. In the winter, the chill factor in eastern Arizona becomes deadly. Along the U.S. side of the 261 miles of Tucson sector border, there were 561 rescues and 141 deaths last year, Adame said. "They address the issue of 'if you come, look out for this,' " Adame said. "We address the issue of 'don't come because of this.' "

Some Alien Blessings Make Your Honeymoon Better

Today we’ll read some more letters from readers. This one is from Braunfels, New Guinea.

Odiferous One,
I didn’t believe in alien blessings until I got one. I was walking along in the middle of nowhere just minding my own business when a little shrub starts talking to me. It just starts jabbering away like we've been friends our whole lives. So I says, “Listen here Mr. Shrub. I don’t know you from Adam, and I’m not about to accept this kind of thing from a shrub, especially on my honeymoon.” So the shrub quiets down and just kind of shimmies and shakes for a while. It was a pretty violent little dance you might say, and it lost most of its leaves in the process. Then it starts humming or buzzing, if you will. The humming gets louder and louder until the shrub shouts “ALIEN BLESSING!” and then goes back to being a normal shrub but without any leaves. Well, I don’t know what to think so I start walking back to my hotel. When I gets back to my room I've already received my alien blessing. I couldn’t believe it. There, on my pillow, was the most tasty wee chocolate I’ve ever eaten.
Thanks G.B.,
Angus McSwain

Angus,
I’m speechless.
G.B.

Well there you have it folks. The letters are pouring in from all over the globe. If you have an alien blessing story that you'd like the entire world to know about, email it to me. Toast Habit, JRW, CJW, DAW, JRWjr., BB, and even JBW, we want to know the whole story.

Some Alien Blessings Make Us Rich

I, Garlic Boy, would like to take this time to thank my faithful readers. I know that you put up with a lot. I know that you want more photographs of the little cloves. Still, despite the lack of photographs you patiently read on. Thank you. Your comments are greatly appreciated. Most of them make me laugh out loud. Some of them, like this one, touch my heart.

A reader from Ralstop, Kansas writes,

Dear Garlicboy,
I too used to pick my skin and hoard it. An alien blessing made me do it. After I removed the radio from my tooth I no longer felt the urge to hoard my skin. So I took the bags of dried skin that I had collected and fed some to my hamster, Algernon. Algernon couldn’t get enough. He absolutely loved it. So I started my own skin farm and a hamster food factory. Thanks to some alien blessing I am now a millionaire. I even have the alien tooth-radio on my office wall.
Thanks Garlicboy,
Theresa Barton

Theresa,
Its stories like yours that remind us of what it means to be an American. Keep that skin farm going and the dream alive. I'll be here writing as long as alien blessings are inspiring skin farmers to build hamster food factories. Bless you, Theresa. Bless you.
G.B.

Some Alien Blessing is on its Way to Skin Hoarder

UPDATE: The guy who picks at his arms and legs during class isn't just piling up his body flakes under his binder during class. Bryan reports that Skin Hoarder peeled some skin off of his arm today and ever-so-stealthily put it into his own soggy pocket. The Hoarder tries to be sly but Bryan notices it because sometimes The Hoarder borrows Bryan's pen and Bryan says that it makes him feel ill to let The Hoarder touch Bryan's stuff. Maybe Garlic Boy should say something to Skin Hoarder. "Psst! Pssst! Stop picking at yourself. You're making my friend sick to his stomach." Maybe we should befriend him. "Pssst! Skin picking dude! Yeah, you. If you want to come over tonight we're having chicken and turkey skin for dinner tonight. No meat, I promise." Maybe I should give Skin Hoarding Picker an empty chewing tobacco can so that he can save his skin for a little snack at the baseball game. "What are you chewing on?" "Skin."

Sick.

How Many Hit Points Do You Have Left?

Dang! Did you see Baylor destroy Michigan State's last night? I have to tell you, Garlic Boy used to hate women's basketball. In fact, I hated all women's sports. Last night I was converted. I didn't see one girl "pop" her jersey. There was no showboating, acting like a gangster, etc. Baylor won the NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament. Beautiful.

There is a guy in my Business Organizations class who peels skin off of his legs and then hides the pickings in a little pile under his binder. What is that? Why is he saving it? During the entire class I'm thinking, "Give the leg picking a rest!" I have to admit I have some disgusting habits, for instance, I pick at my ears. I must have a fungus or something. However, I do not save little pieces of fungus under my binder. I wipe them off on my friend Bryan's bag while he is watching the leg picker.

By the way, I'm sitting with Bryan right now at school. He is telling me his plan to keep shaving his face in the normal fashion but to let the hair from his Adam's Apple to about an inch from his chin grow out long. So he wants what we are going to call a "neck beard." His neck beard is going to freak people out. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what you just heard was quite a tale. Indeed, that was what most people call a tall tale. That tale was almost as long as my own neck beard tail."

http://www.niftythreads.com/library/neckbeard.htm

So anyway, I'm supposed to be reading the Texas Business Corporation Act right now. Truth be told, I'd rather be eating my own neck beard. Forcing someone to read statutes is probably the slowest but surest way to destroy a person's spirit. Bryan is now saying this: "Reading statutes is like very, very, boring." I agree. It is so boring that I am not even going to do it. He is now sighing and hi-lighting something. Now he threw his pen down and is looking angrily at his statute book. Now he is looking out the window. Now he is getting mad and telling me to do my reading. Now he is staring outside again. That is how bad reading statutes is. A person like Bryan, who has been able to study one of the most boring things in the world (the law) for a year, still can't read more than 5 minutes of statutes without becoming suicidal.

The "Hello Okay Love Co."

I bet it's hard to name international companies because what might be a good name in Mexico could be a bad name somewhere else. The first Mexican company that comes to mind is "Bimbo." (As in, "Pan Bimbo," a brand of bakery products.) We all know what a bimbo is in the U.S. In Mexico, "Bimbo" is like "Wonder" or "Hostess."

If I had to name an international company, I'd use English words that everyone in the world knows because of the Beatles or some other rock group. I bet everyone knows what the words "hello," "love" and "okay" mean. My international company would be the "Hello Okay Love Co."

Some Alien Blessing is on its Way to Us

Lena jumped up and followed him out. She called Paul a pig, or a slob, or something to that effect. Paul responded, "You gotta have a swine to show you where the truffles are."

Lena retorted, "Where are the truffles? We've been together 6 years and I haven't seen even one truffle. Show me truffles!"

Paul sulked as they walked towards the beach. He squinted at the houses on his left and then at Lena's feet on his right. After the silence became awkward, Paul started singing, "I can't get no satisfaction . . . I can't get no girl reaction." Lena was silent. Paul started another song. "And love will steer the stars; this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, the age of Aquarius!"

Lena started humming, "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall" and then sung at the top of her lungs, "How does it feel to be on your own? With no direction home? Like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone?

Paul came back with, "Come on, baby, light my fire. Try to set the night on fire."

Just then, Cookie Monster dropped out of the Jacaranda tree they were passing under onto the sidewalk in front of them. Cookie Monster stood there with his arms outstretched and his mouth open. Lena moaned, "Not again." Paul grabbed Lena's hand and was about to lead her around C.M. when Cookie Monster yelled, "Me want cookie!"

"No!" Lena shouted at him, shaking her fist in the monster's direction.

"Then I eat boyfriend." Cookie Monster growled back matter-of-factly.

"Fine," Lena answered. "Eat him and his truffles."

"Truffles! Yum!" and Cookie Monster was upon Paul instantly.

Lena pulled a bag of cookies out of her pocket, sat down on someone's lawn, and began to snack on an oatmeal raisin while she watched Cookie Monster devour Paul. She had always been amused at how Cookie Monster throws the bits and pieces of his meal up in the air towards his mouth as he finishes up.

Kermit hopped out of the bushes and sat next to Lena. "It's not easy bein' green, you know" he commented. Lena offered him a chocolate chip cookie. Cookie monster finished eating Paul and his head swung around quickly towards Lena and Kermit.

To be continued...

Humpty Dumpty

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more nor less."
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things."
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--that's all."

Lewis Carroll

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Jabberwocky

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!

An as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
and burbled as it came!

One two, One two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

Lewis Carroll

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Do Cats Eat Bats? . . . Do Bats Eat Cats?

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."

Lewis Carroll

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland [1865]

introduction, st. 6

Lady Windermere's Fan

"What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing."

"I can resist everything except for temptation."

"I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train."

Oscar Wilde

Thus Let Me Live

This is what Garlic Boy says under his breath each day right before class hoping that he won't get called on by the professors:

Thus let me live, unseen, unknown,
Thus unlamented let me die,
Steal from the world, and not a stone
Tell where I lie.

Alexander Pope

Ode on Solitude [c. 1700], st. 5

Happy Birthday Caroline!

Carrie,

Happy birthday. I'm sorry you are sick. Get well soon.

Love,

Garlic Boy

More swimming

On the falls

Mikey goes tubing

At the law school