I need a minute

Guys. I need an emotional vacation.

Wouldn't that be so nice?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Feeling things is actually really great. I had a long period of my life where I didn't feel much of anything: not a lot of heartache or sadness, but not a lot of joy. I was just sort of existing. And it got me through a lot of things. But one day I realized my life was pretty empty and I didn't want to live that way anymore.

So.....with the help of some friends along the way and some effort on my part, I started feeling things again. (I mean, this sentence is a HUGE understatement because it took a LOT more than just "deciding to feeling things again" to actually start doing it on a regular basis. Moving on.)

Now, I'm a feeling-machine. My heart explodes with joy or sadness at the drop of a hat. Kristen Bell told Ellen once that if she's not between a 3 and a 7 on the emotional scale, she's crying.

That's me, too.

Earlier this week, Mickey Mouse stepped off a trolly car while singing a song, and I started to cry. Somebody very dear to me said something that hurt my feelings (my feelings don't get hurt often) and I cried and cried and cried. I watched my little kids perform the Italian National Anthem at their school concert, and I cried. I had to have some very hard conversations with people that I love more than anything the last few weeks, and I've spent a fair amount of time crying tears of joy and sadness over that as well.

I'm a leaky faucet.

Maybe I'm making up for lost time.

But my point in all of this, is that I just need a little bit of an emotional break.  No more sadness. No more joy. Just a steady level of functioning would be swell--just for a few days. Perhaps a good night's rest? Let's give these tired little heartstrings a break, shall we?

Yeah right.

I'll never survive Motherhood. Heaven help me.

breakthrough

I've chosen a pretty lonely life. I keep to myself. I am selective about whom I spend my time with, who I date, who I allow to date me, and what I do with my time.

There's been plenty of opportunity to be in a different situation than I am now: I could be married. I could have a family by now. I could probably be raising wonderful little children.

But each time the opportunity has knocked, I've said no. For whatever reason, whether right or not, the door was shut. "Not now. Not right. Not this, not that. This feeling isn't right. This feeling isn't this or that."

And generally, I am really pleased about where I'm at.

And then there are moments where I think, "damn. But what if?"

In this moment, I feel a little heavy and sad. (The set-up for this blog implies romantic relationships, but this could be connected with any big choice we make in our lives): what if I've made the wrong choices? What if I've missed the boat, and another boat isn't coming? What if I'm not as happy as I could be? But then it dawned on me, that my real problem wasn't any of those fears. My REAL problem is this:

What if somebody else is happier than I am?

I'm a pretty competitive person. I like being first. I like being the best. I like being good at things, and I like being praised for them. I enjoy being looked up to, complimented, and impressive. I've thrived from this my entire life, and I'm pretty sure it won't stop in the near future. But how do you compete with happiness? I mean, this is how twisted it can be in my head: I can look at somebody and think "Man. They look really happy. They look like they might be happier than I am" and I will then try to figure out how I can be happier than they can.

What the hell, you guys.

I'm ashamed to even type it. So much so, that my breath is short and my hands are shaking a little bit right now. I'm embarrassed to admit that deep down at my core, the thing that pushes me most is the idea that somebody always has to win, and somebody always has to lose.

Tonight (according to this mentality) I have realized that I feel like a big big loser.

I'm a loser.

And that feels really, really sad and terrible. And lonely.

But.....why does there have to be a loser? When it comes to happiness, why does there have to be a winner and a loser? Can't we just.....be happy? For ourselves? For each other? Is that really a thing? Do humans actually operate that way? I'm a really such a huge competitive freak?

Yeah. I guess so.

So....that's a thing I learned about myself today. And now you all know.