It's been a while since I've sat down to let my little fingers fly as fast as they can and write about something. I find typing to be very satisfying. I love typing. I love that there is a pattern to it that doesn't really make sense. Why are the letters arranged the way that they are? Who decided that? Why are the majority of the letters only/more accessible to the left hand, when the majority of people are right handed? I am good at typing. It's a skill that I am oddly very proud of. On an average day, I can usually clock about 85 words per minute. On a great day, I shoot around 100 words per minute. I'm good, I'm fast, and I find it to be very satisfying.

Anyway, I'm in Utah for two weeks for the holidays. It's nice to be back. It is nice to see old friends, and nice to be at my parent's house, where it is safe. Not that I'm not safe in LA or where I live, but...I feel good, and I feel safe here.

I am sad tonight. I couldn't tell you why, aside from it's a mixutre of conversations and things that happened tonight, and I wish I could clarify and understand why I am the way that I am, or why I feel the way that I feel. I am sad, with a hint of anger. I don't have much to say about it, aside from that it is there, and maybe I will be able to sleep it off. Tomorrow is Sunday, and will be my first sunday in a few weeks that I get to treat like an actual sunday. No auditions, no filming, no sickness. Just me n' God.

Sharpie: Make it Last

A spec commercial I shot for Kenneth Merrill.

Sharpie "Make it last" from Kenneth Christian Merrill on Vimeo.

Things I'm learning in LA

So....I moved to California about 2.5 weeks ago. And it is awesome. I mean, I really love it out here. I consider it an extended vacation, which seems to be the best viewpoint to have on life because it makes everything so much more fun. "I am only doing the thing that I want to do!" But seriously though...I am. I get to take classes (starting Oct 1). I get to meet new people. I get to try new restaurants when my budget allows. I get to reform myself into the person that I really want to be, because nobody out here knows me or really gives a behind as to where I've come from or what I've done. It's all new, and I find that very exciting (and stressful....)

But in my short time here, I've learned a few things. And because I'm obsessed with lists, here is another one:

• People don't use their blinkers. It's not a huge deal, but people don't really signal. They just go. And it's ok. Nobody gets mad about it, really, and everybody is aggressive. You'll die if you aren't.
• People don't text and drive. I know it's against the law, but everybody does it in Utah. Not here. Nosiree, if you so much get distracted for one second, you're a dead man. It's illegal to talk on the phone and drive too, which is taking some getting used to. 
• Thai food is everywhere. LOVE IT.
• Venice Beach makes me feel weird. "two dollars for a doobie, and I'll show you my boobies!" I chuckled as this was shouted at me as we were walking down the street, but it was an uncomfortable chuckle, not a "hey man, you are just so funny" kind of chuckle.
• My armenian neighbors don't smile. It seems.
• gas is expensive, but I can get the lowest grade out here, because California has regulated higher octane levels (If you don't know what octane level your engine requires, you should check your user manual. It'll help preserve your engine)
• 85 degrees out here is starting to feel like "cooler weather" to me.
• I really miss the leaves and color changes. 
• I love the beach. I always have, but I am starting to love actually GETTING IN the ocean. Who knew. When I come to Utah next, I will have to steal some of my family's boogie boards so I can actually do something in the ocean. (I'm a terrible body surfer)
• Everybody is an actor, or a writer, or whatever. I learned real quick that I used to identify myself as an "Actor" (in my own heart) and....that is rubbish and pointless. 
• Everybody feels like its their responsibility to tell you how hard it is out here and how you won't succeed. I wonder if they think they're the first person to say that. It's like it is their personal responsibility to crush you down. All I've ever heard is "oh, its really hard. You've got to blah blah blah blah blah, and that rarely happens". OH suck it. I don't care that you had this and this experience, or that you feel such and such way. I'm not you, and I will be successful in whatever I want to do. K Bye.
• I'm self-conscious of my Utah driver's license. I'm a proud Utahn, but secretly feel the other drivers are judging me for whatever mistake I am ignorantly making.
• Jack in the Box is delicious, but not THAT delicious.
• There is always something happening. It is great for getting rid of my social anxiety. 
• My neighbor's new dog might not see the light of day ever again if it wakes me up one more time at 6 am.
• Being yourself is MUCH easier when you don't have anybody to impress or disappoint. Being a stranger has it's benefits!
• Non-members don't make being a Mormon difficult,......Mormons make being a Mormon difficult (chew on that for a while.) The Church culture out here is very refreshing, and I didn't realize how refreshing it was until I was out here. I love Church here. It is the grandest.
• Parking is a *swear-word*
• everybody has a cute dog.
• It's real hot.
• Having my cousin Stooph out here is the funnest thing. 
• I probably visit the beach once a week. It's good for my health....
• Institute isn't as great as it was in Provo, but it is still a good thing. 
• People are people, and that's neat. 

Personality result

I took a personality test, and this was my analysis. I am an INTJ. 

To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.

INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does itwork?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.

INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.

In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know". Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.

---

Functional Analysis
by Joe Butt

Introverted iNtuition

INTJs are idea people. Anything is possible; everything is negotiable. Whatever the outer circumstances, INTJs are ever perceiving inner pattern-forms and using real-world materials to operationalize them. Others may see what is and wonder why; INTJs see what might be and say "Why not?!" Paradoxes, antinomies, and other contradictory phenomena aptly express these intuitors' amusement at those whom they feel may be taking a particular view of reality too seriously. INTJs enjoy developing unique solutions to complex problems.

Extraverted Thinking

Thinking in this auxiliary role is a workhorse. Closure is the payoff for efforts expended. Evaluation begs diagnosis; product drives process. As they come to light, Thinking tends, protects, affirms and directs iNtuition's offspring, fully equipping them for fulfilling and useful lives. A faithful pedagogue, Thinking argues not so much on its own behalf, but in defense of its charges. And through this process these impressionable ideas take on the likeness of their master.

Introverted Feeling

Feeling has a modest inner room, two doors down from the Most Imminent iNtuition. It doesn't get out much, but lends its influence on behalf of causes which are Good and Worthy and Humane. We may catch a glimpse of it in the unspoken attitude of good will, or the gracious smile or nod. Some question the existence of Feeling in this type, yet its unseen balance to Thinking is a cardinal dimension in the full measure of the INTJ's soul.

Extraverted Sensing

Sensing serves with a good will, or not at all. As other inferior functions, it has only a rudimentary awareness of context, amount or degree. Thus INTJs sweat the details or, at times, omit them. "I've made up my mind, don't confuse me with the facts" could well have been said by an INTJ on a mission. Sensing's extraverted attitude is evident in this type's bent to savor sensations rather than to merely categorize them. Indiscretions of indulgence are likely an expression of the unconscious vengeance of the inferior.

Famous INTJs:

Susan B. Anthony
Lance Armstrong
Arthur Ashe, tennis champion
Augustus Caesar (Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus)
Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice)
Dan Aykroyd (The Blues Brothers)
William J. Bennett, "drug czar"
William F. Buckley, Jr.
Raymond Burr (Perry Mason, Ironsides)
Chevy Chase (Cornelius Crane) (Fletch)
Katie Couric
Phil Donahue
Michael Dukakis, governor of Mass., 1988 U.S. Dem. pres. candidate
Richard Gere (Pretty Woman)
Rudy Giuliani, former New York City mayor
Greg Gumbel, television sportscaster
Hannibal, Carthaginian military leader
Emily Bronte, author of Wuthering Heights
Angela Lansbury (Murder, She Wrote)
Orel Leonard Hershiser, IV
Peter Jennings
Charles Everett Koop
Ivan Lendl
C. S. Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia)
Joan Lunden
Edwin Moses, U.S. olympian (hurdles)
Martina Navratilova
Michelle Obama
General Colin Powell, former US Secretary of State
Charles Rangel, US Representative, D-N.Y.
Pernell Roberts (Bonanza)
Donald Rumsfeld, former US Secretary of Defense 
Hillary Clinton, US Secretary of State
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California
Josephine Tey (Elizabeth Mackintosh), mystery writer (Brat Farrar)

U.S. Presidents:

Chester A. Arthur

Calvin Coolidge

Thomas Jefferson

John F. Kennedy

James K. Polk

Woodrow Wilson

Fictional:

Cassius (Julius Caesar)
Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice)
Gandalf the Grey (J. R. R. Tolkein's Middle Earth books)
Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)
Professor Moriarty, Sherlock Holmes' nemesis
Horatio Hornblower
Ensign Ro (Star Trek--the Next Generation)
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (Hamlet)
George Smiley, John le Carre's master spy
Clarice Starling (Silence of the Lambs)

hypocritical thinking

A couple weeks ago, I posted a link to my facebook about how people live their lives through instagram: how we only post the highlights of our lives, leaving others to think that nothing is ever wrong with us, that we are never sad, or that our life is something that it really isn't. Sure, we experience moments of "awesomeness" and things worth sharing with our friends and the world, but for every thing there is an opposite. It is just meant to be that way.

Well everybody, in case you didn't know, I am a HUGE hypocrite.

I used to get really irritated at people who (on facebook) would just write about how miserable they were. I couldn't, and sometimes still can't, stand it when one person will ONLY write about how heartbroken they are, or how hard their life is, or how they hate their ex, or blah blah blah blah blah. My immediate response is "They are just looking for attention. Ugh." But....I've been thinking about that.

So what?

So what if they want attention? We all need and want attention, because.....that's sort of what basic human interaction is. And here is where the hypocritical part comes in. I hate seeing people posting so many things about their wonderful lives: "I'm doing this" " I'm eating that" "My boyfriend/husband bought me this" " I got engaged here", blah blah blah. BUT....if somebody shows an ounce of negativitiy, I immediately think "Ugh, they are soo needy. They need to learn how to find happiness elsewhere."

Terrible, right?

Absolutely terrible.

So why have I been reflecting on this? Well, I'll tell you. I guess it is no secret that sometimes my life is hard. And it wasn't until very recently that a dear friend wrote on my facebook wall "your statuses make me really concerned about you." The thing is, is that this friend knows me well. And for her to say something like that was a bit of an eye-opener. I have, in fact, become one of those people who has posted negative/insecure/"needy" things. Sure, it gets a response, and though the response isn't necessarily why I posted those things, I still got one. And....I started feeling bad. I started feeling stupid, and I started feeling sorry for posting my feelings. Now, I think we all put a lot of stock into social media, and this conversation wouldn't even be happening if it didn't matter. But it sort of does, and it has been on my mind.

So what is it that I'm trying to say?

I don't really know! I don't have a solution, I don't have a change, I don't have a reason behind it all, nor do I know how to think. I DO know, that I need to chill out a little bit, and just give myself and other people some slack. Guys, it's ok to feel things. And though I do think some serious discretion is needed to be used when writing personal things (perhaps revealing that your spouse is having an affair on facebook isn't the most....adult-like thing to do.....), it is alright.

I will be better. I will learn not to judge you harshly. I will learn to be more open. I will be more receptive. I will be more positive in my own outlook. And maybe, just maybe, we'll all be just fine. :)

I am absolutely on edge today.

I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks it feels like, and last night was no different. I'm spending the day building a small village. (literally, building a wooden villiage) for a shakespeare festival, and I think I'm going to die.

I'm cranky. I'm tired. I'm insecure. I just want to take a nap, and wake up with all of my problems solved.

Well, it's nice to think about.

Marcel Proust

My friend Dalton posted this on his facebook, and I just loved it.

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." -Marcel Proust


I feel this really stupid connection to Marcel Proust. Not for any special reason, (aside from this quote, I really haven't read much of his stuff). But I played Nellie Forbush in "South Pacific" last year, and had several lines that referred to Marcel Proust.

I really miss that show.

I mean, I REALLY miss that show.
 
I think that show is my most favorite show that I've done in a long while. I loved the people, I loved the character, I loved the story, I loved who I was privileged to perform with and learn from. Even though I've done shows since that time, I feel like that was the most supported show that I was in. In following shows, my support seemed to almost die down and turn against me, and so South Pacific is very near and dear to my heart. I will always feel grateful to have been a part of that story. It sounds so cheesy and cliche', but every night, some old couple or widow or man would come out with teary eyes and thank us for singing those songs, and for telling that story. They would relay how special those times were, how hard it was, how South Pacific was when they met their sweetheart, etc. And it really is fulfilling and satisfying to help people experience something for 2 hours, WHATEVER that may be: laughter, sadness, anger, anything. It is a privilege to tell stories like that, especially other people's stories, and....I just really like it. In fact, here are some pictures, that's how much I liked it.

That's all. 

I'm kinda mad.

Look.

I'm kind of upset.

Not at anybody in particular, but....I'm upset.

And frustrated.

And sad.

And TIRED.

And I can't fall asleep. I think I'm runnin' on my third hour in bed, and nothin' is happening.

Which, is making all my emotions intensify a little bit.

I'm mad at people who don't treat other people very well. I'm mad at mothers who don't give their children the time of day. I'm mad at fathers who don't respect their wives. I'm mad at brothers who take advantage of their siblings. I'm mad at sisters who think their entire family is a waste of space. I'm mad at children who act entitled and treat adults with disrespect. I'm mad at girlfriends who cheat on their boyfriends. I'm mad at boyfriends who break their girlfriend's heart, somehow. I'm mad at friends who talk negatively about each other. I'm mad at friends who don't treat you like you're important to them. I'm mad at friends who are stuck. I'm mad at friends who don't push themselves to be better. I'm mad at friends who are oblivious to anybody else's emotional well-being. I'm mad at friends who aren't good influences. I'm mad at liars.

I'm just mad, ok?

After re-reading the paragraph I just wrote, I think I'm mad at "friends". Maybe my friends. Maybe other people's friends. Maybe I'm upset at the concept of a friend, and how my idea of what a friend should be isn't as easy to find.

***Just because I'm writing these things doesn't mean I'm necessarily experiencing them, or that there is a friend that is making me feel this. It absolutely COULD mean that, but it doesn't always have to mean that****

Most likely I am being hypocritical. I've had my fair share of being the crappy friend in a relationship, believe you me. I might be the crappiest of them all. But I try. And I try to fix things, I try to mend them. And even when it isn't my fault, and I feel like I've done all I can do, some other friend will tell me I'm not trying hard enough to find happiness, and that I need to just try harder.

So here is my question: What am I even mad about right now?

I don't know. I'm just mad. And when you're in bed, and with nobody to talk to, you write a blog post that comes of WAY more insulting and negative than intended.

BUT I. AM. MAAAAAADDDDDDD.

Ew.

Magic

You guys. I LOVE THIS SONG.  Its just so romantic and beautiful.

I'm kind of a hopeless romantic. I didn't think that I was, but songs like this remind me that I am. And I'm a terrible aim. But....who's got it all down anyway, right?

I've been teaching math classes for the last two days. I'm actually a lot smarter than I think I give myself credit for. I've always struggled with math, but I feel VERY accomplished when I teach these classes. Sure, it's pre-algebra and Algebra. Sure, I'm 25 years old, and have ten years of real-life application without even realizing it. Sure, it is easier for me to understand now. I wonder how much easier my life would have been if these things came this easy to me when I was actually in these classes.

Anyway...It's kind of exciting that I can teach people something that I wasn't very good at. It actually makes me a little bit better of a teacher, because I feel like I know how to angle it to cover ALL the bases. I feel like I know what to say in order to eliminate confusion, because I know exactly where the confusion would come from or what could potentially make things more complicated if not explained a certain way--all because I struggled myself.

That is kind of a life lesson, really. We struggle so we can know how to better handle the situation next time (or a potentially bigger situation), and so we can help other figure out how to get through their own situation. No situation is alike, and no two people are perfectly in sync or handle things completely the same. But evaluating the cause and effect is a great start.

So here I am, playing Gavin Degraw through the classroom speakers, while these kids struggle their way through their math assignment. And I am proud to be me.

Sense-Memory

I am really passionate about music. I don't know a think about technique, or theory, or any of that. Half the time, I couldn't even tell you who sang or composed what song, or even what the song was called, but only that I know that song and love it. I did a lot of cleaning yesterday, and had my itunes on shuffle. The array of songs that came on was remarkable. I relived and experienced so many old feelings and memories, and was constantly amazed at how music (or smells) can recall senses and memory. We use that a lot in performance, but I think the times that it surprises you is the most powerful.

So, I've decided to compile and share a few of the songs that ALWAYS recall some sort of sense-memory, and why. (I haven't even watched these music videos, and am only posting them so you can hear the songs. If there is really inappropriate content....I don't quite endorse that.)

1. Kelly Clarkson--Breakaway.

When I was a junior in high school, my family moved from Orem to Springville. I went to a private school my entire life, and though the move didn't require me to change schools, I was really struggling. But at this time, I had just started performing in my first show outside of school, and made a lot of new friends. One of my friends (who I later dated for a long time), made me a mix CD to help me during that time. "Breakaway" was the first song on the album, and had just come out on the radio. I also never felt like I was "up to date" on the latest music or videos, and so this was really special to me. I remember sitting in my new room my second night there, listening to this CD/song. I felt excited about having a large room with a walk-in-closet, scared to live somewhere else, not sure what to do about this boy that liked me/I liked back, happy to be performing with such fun people, and wondering how to make it through high school. Every time I hear this song now, I immediately flash back to being 16 years old in a brand now home, not sure how my life would work out. I can even smell what my house smelled like at the time. It was so new, and so foreign to me.

2. Elisa--The Waves

I had always been an Elisa fan, but had not really listened to her whole album. When I first heard this song, I had just finished reading an email where somebody very close to me explained a difficult trial they were facing. I didn't know what to do. I remember lying in my closet (in the new home I spoke of above) and just crying. Again, the ugly crying. I probably spent two hours in there. When I came out, I put on music, and just selected random on my ipod. This was the song that came on. I cried to it, I learned it, and I listened to it for 2 weeks straight. It doesn't really have much to do with the lyrics, as much as the timing and the feel of the song. After that period, I didn't listen to that song for a very long time. About 1.5 years ago, the song came on again during shuffle, and I just teared up, re-experiencing all of those feelings. But I loved that song so much, that I listened to it over and over until it didn't effect me like that. Now, I listen to it often, and though I remember, I feel hopeful. It is also a GREAT song to sing a long to.

3. Ingrid Michelson--Morning Lullabies

When I was on tour with "Macbeth", our stage manager LOVED Ingrid Michelson. I also liked her, but didn't really know any of her songs. She gave me a cd with a lot of her songs. One night in Salt Lake, I went back to my hotel room and sat on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I wasn't sad, I wasn't upset, I wasn't angry, I wasn't happy, I wasn't excited: I wasn't really anything. I felt like I was just existing in that moment. I turned on my music and let her album play. This song came on, and I couldn't stop listening to it. It reminds me of being adventurous, yet peaceful. It also reminds me of Sundried Tomato and Basil Wheat Things dipped in cottage cheese. * shrugs *

4. Katy Perry--California Girls

During the summer of 2010, I lived at a ritzy apartment complex in Provo, filled with summer sales guys and.....well, beautiful girls. Lucienne was living with me at the time, and she had just flown to Canada for a week to visit her friend. She left me her car, and said I could drive it. In case some of you don't remember, my first car was a 1993 Toyota Trecel, and not the fanciest car in the lot. ( I was egged my first month living there.) So I drove her brand new, black Santa Fe around with the sun roof open, blaring that song all week long. I felt like the SHIZ. I wasn't.....but I felt like it. Hearing this song makes me feel pumped and exciting, and motivated to be on top of my own world.

5. Kenny Loggins--Return to Pooh Corner

This was one of the first CD's that my parents gave me. I listened to this album all the time as a child, and loved it. One of the songs on this CD was on The Last Unicorn movie, which I was obsessed with. When I hear this song, it kind of brings me back "home." I feel like I have a home-base, ya know? I get emotional most of the time, but this one brings out "good emotions." Happiness. Nostalgia. Anything....child-like.

6. Ben Folds--Landed

I didn't really know much about Ben Folds until the summer of 2011. I was able to go see him live in Salt Lake that summer, and had a BLAST. Great company, and a really fun and new experience. From that time on, I listened to Ben Folds a lot. I got into a relationship shortly after that, and now this song brings me back to standing in that warehouse, listening to Ben Folds, driving with the windows down. I suppose the lyrics contribute to any sad feelings that are associated with this song, but those came later, and I will always be fond of those memories and Ben Folds. I haven't listened to him for the last few months, but I am a fan. He swears like a sailor when he's Live.

7. Fall Out Boy--My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark

This is a new song, and doesn't really offer any memory recall. Yet. But I LOVE this song, and gets me so pumped up, especially at the gym. If you need a good workout song, this is it.

8. Avril Lavigne--Complicated/Sk8ter Boy

This song was HUGE when I was a freshmen in high school. Whenever I hear this, I am transported back to van rides with the Volleyball team to our next game. We made our coach play these songs ALL the time. For some reason, I have this very clear memory of sitting in the back of the van, doing my history homework, singing along to this song, and thinking to myself "I am so awesome. I am getting good grades, completing my homework, ALL while jamming out to this AWESOME song." I was SUCH a dork. So I hear this and I feel like I'm 14 years old and on top of the world.

9. Rent--Goodbye Love

This is the song I was singing in my car when I first understood what belting was, and that I might actually be able to do it. Starting at about :40 seconds, the song starts to pick up, and right when Joanne comes in and sings "Didn't give and inch when I gave a mile"...I finally figured it all out. I always come back to that song when I'm frustrated or mad about my singing. Because if I can still sing that, then I must be doin' alright. (Its not hard, it's not a big deal, but it was a little milestone for me.)

10. Beyonce'--ANY OF HER SONGS

It is no secret that I LOVE Beyonce. I just think that she is the fiercest woman a live. Mm. She's so great. So....alot of her songs really get me thinking or excited about life or remind me of milestones. So.....This is just a general shout out to Beyonce' and how much I love her. However, right now, one of my favorite lines in her song "We run the world" is "strong enough to bear the children', then get back to bi'ness." GET IT.


So....there it is.

Tokens of Love

So I am slowly cleaning out my clothes, shoes, bathrooms, kitchen appliances, storage, and basically anything that I own to declutter to make my future just a little bit easier.

I'm really proud of myself, because I threw out two HUGE bags of clothes. That's a big accomplishment for me. I have laundry going, and my closet is organized and full of things that I actually wear. Oddly enough, that's a really good feeling.

But while I was cleaning, I came across a sweatshirt I got in high school when my basketball team went to the State Tournament. I was the team captain, and though it doesn't mean much on the long scheme of things, I was pleased with myself and my team for being Regional Champions and have a great season. The sweatshirt isn't particularly cute, nor does it even fit me: I really liked BIG sweatshirts in high school. I just wanted to be snuggly. It's navy with a white lining inside the hood, and orange writing on the front that says "Utah State Basketball Championship." I couldn't even tell you the last time that I wore it.

As I was cleaning out, that sweatshirt took the most of the beatings. I threw it in the DI pile, and then moved it to the trash pile, only to hang it back up ten minutes later with just enough time to throw it back into the DI pile. As I was bagging up my clothes, I kept overlooking that one, leaving it to the very last. I sat on my floor for about ten minutes, holding this sweatshirt, just looking at it.

I hung it back up.

Why couldn't I get rid of it? It just takes up space, and I probably won't wear it for a VERY long time. But that sweatshirt resembles a lot more to me than basketball. Here's why:

Growing up, we were very poor. I was not deprived of opportunities--in fact, I was very blessed with the chance to participate in MANY activities and develop a lot of different talents. But nonetheless, we were poor. As a small child, I remember being VERY aware of what I ordered when I went out to eat, because I didn't want to spend too much money. I'm not sure where that came from, but I always ordered smaller plates, or soups, or....something less expensive. (Not always, but often.) These sweatshirts cost $35.00 at the tournament, a complete rip off for its actual price, but something they could get away with. The rest of my team was going to get one, no doubt. I wanted that sweatshirt sooo badly. The white lining inside the hood would look sooooo cute, I was just sure of it! I remember the look that came over my mom's face when we were at the table. She knew exactly what I wanted, and it was a look I was all too familiar with. But you know what? She bought me that sweatshirt. Did I have to have it? No. Would I have died without it? Maybe for 1/2 a day. Could we afford it? Probably not. But she bought it for me. And I can't throw it out.

That sweatshirt is a token of love to me. It resembles years of my parent's sacrifice of time, money, and things that THEY wanted, but gave up so that I could have something. And I don't have the heart to throw that out, because that means MUCH more to me than the sweatshirt itself. So there it is, hanging in my closet, and I am very happy about it.

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

Years ago, my mother made me read this book. I hated reading. I thought reading was an incredible waste of time. I felt that there were so many more valuable ways to spend my time: cleaning out the garage was more stimulating to me than reading a book.

Three sentences into this post, and I'm already digressing. Let me start over. When I was 14 years old, my mother made me read this book.

Have I already said that I hated it. And to state that I read the book would be a lie, because I really didn't. I read chapters here and there, and glimpsed through pages, putting in just enough work to make it seem like I was reading. And to be honest, I couldn't tell you anything about the book. What knowledge I do have on the book came from wikipedia, and who really knows if that is even accurate. Point being, I didn't care about this Irish-American family who lived in Brooklyn. I didn't care about this tree that was growing there, or what it actually represented. I didn't connect or relate to 11 year-old Francis who loved reading and using her imagination, because I thought both activities were childish and immature (though my imagination has gotten me through my entire life) But as I grow older, I find myself thinking more and more about this novel, and getting a stronger and stronger desire to give it another shot.

My friend posted this quote on her blog months and months ago, and after asking permission, I re-posted:

“Dear God," she prayed, "let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be gay; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry...have too much to eat. Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere - be deceitful. Let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little piece of living is ever lost.”--A Tree Grows in Brooklyn


 I have so many thoughts about this idea, and once again, am struggling to express them because I want them to be "just right". Well, that never seems to be the case with my writing, so prepare for yet another ill-prepared, poorly written post.

A long while back, a bit of a trial was put before me. It wasn't something that I necessarily deserved, nor was it something that resulted from any of my actions. But it was a trial nonetheless, and it really took a toll on me. I was angry, I was hurt, I was confused, I was frustrated, and I grew tired. I grew tired of fighting, I grew tired of constantly monitoring my feelings and my actions for fear of handling the situation inappropriately, and I grew tired of doubting my worth. I grew tired of sadness. So I stopped. I pled with God to take away the feelings I felt, to make it all leave, like it had never happened. Obviously, you can guess how that one went...He didn't really do anything. So I took matters into my own hands. I stopped feeling sad, I stopped being upset, I stopped worrying. And for a while, it was wonderful. I was able to go along my merry way without feeling anything. But by walling up and blocking out those negative emotions, I negated all emotions. I didn't feel happy, I didn't experience excitement or joy, and laughter felt very foreign to me.

Do you know what it feels like to watch the world around you, and not take part in it? To simply exist? To walk through the motions of life without experiencing a fragment of ANYTHING? I do. I lived this way for a couple years, actually. I woke up, I ate food, I went to school, I worked, I performed, and at the end of the day as I laid in my bed reflecting on the happenings, my mind would blank, and I would fall asleep, only to start the cycle over. For 2 whole years, I existed.

Well my friends, not anymore. Not anymore! Sometimes it is hard, but its ok to feel emotions! It's ok to be mad, and to want to yell, and to be happy and to sing and jump with joy. All of those things are totally ok. And it makes life exciting. 

Life can be exciting if we let it!

naked dances.

Listen.

I danced in the shower tonight.

I mean, legitimately, sincerely, and joyfully danced in the shower tonight.

I don't think I have felt honest, pure, happiness in a LONG, LONG time.

And though it was for a small moment, it happened. And it will happen again.

Lots of dumb posts today

In my english class today, we took this shakespearean quiz to find out our tragic flaw. I think these are so fun. The quiz is here:

http://quizilla.teennick.com/quizzes/result/977983/763901/

And unfortunately, my results were right on the money, and I feel super sheepish and dumb that a stupid quiz pointed out what I've been told over and over and over again. Son of a...

Suspicion.

Well, you're right. And this teenage quiz told me.

21 Tips To Keep Your Shit Together

I read this article, and I think it has some GREAT advice if you're struggling with depression and so I wanted to share. The link is here:

http://www.diycouturier.com/post/47249603128/21-tips-to-keep-your-shit-together-when-youre

Or you can just read it below:

21 Tips to Keep Your Shit Together When You’re Depressed.

A while ago, I penned a fairly angry response to something circulating on the internet – the 21 Habits of Happy People. It pissed me off beyond belief, that there was an inference that if you weren’t Happy, you simply weren’t doing the right things.

I’ve had depression for as long as I can remember. It’s manifested in different ways. I did therapy. I did prozac. I did more therapy. My baseline is melancholic. I’d just made peace with it when I moved, unintentionally, to a place that had markedly less sunshine in the winter. I got seasonal depression. I got that under control. Then I got really, really sick. Turns out it’s a permanent, painful genetic disorder. My last pain-free day was four years ago.

So, this Cult of Happy article just set me off. Just… anger. Rage. Depression is serious – debilitating, often dangerous, and it’s got an enormous stigma. It leaves people to fend for themselves.

It’s bad enough without people ramming Happy Tips at you through facebook. There is no miracle behaviour change that will flip that switch for you. I know, I’ve tried.

A friend of mine suggested that I write something from my point of view because, surprisingly, I manage to give an outwards impression of having my shit together. I was shocked to hear this. And I find this comical, but I see her point. I’m functioning. I’ve adapted. I’m surprisingly okay. I think the medical term is “resilient”.

So, here it is.

My 21 Tips on Keeping Your Shit Together During Depression

1)   Know that you’re not alone. Know that we are a silent legion, who, every day face the solipsism and judgement of Happy People Who Think We Just Aren’t Trying. There are people who are depressed, people who have been depressed, and people who just haven’t been hit with it yet.

2)   Understand that the Happy People are usually acting out of some genuine (albeit misguided) concern for you, that it’s coming from a good place, even if the advice feels like you’re being blamed for your disease. Telling you these things makes them feel better, even if it makes you feel like shit. (If they insist on keeping it up, see #12.)

3)   Enlist the help of a professional.  See your doctor. You need to talk about the ugly shit, and there are people paid to listen and help you find your way to the light at the end of the tunnel.  

4)   Understand that antidepressants will only do so much. They’re useful, they’ll level you out and give you the time you need to figure out your own path to getting well. They can be helpful. There are lots to choose from. They may not be for you, and even if they are, they take some time to kick in. Conversely, they may not be for you. Work with your doctor.

5)   Pick up a paintbrush, a pencil, an activity you got joy from in the past and re-explore that.  Or, sign up for the thing you always wanted to try. There is a long history and link between depression and creativity. It’s a bright light of this condition, so utilize it to your best advantage.

6)   Eat nutritionally sound, regular small meals. If you’re having trouble eating, try to focus on what you’d like to eat. I went through a whole six week episode of tomatoes and cream cheese on a bagel twice a day. Not great, but it was something – helpful context, I’m a recovered anorexic. Conversely, if all you want to do is scarf down crap, try to off-ramp it by downing a V-8 and doing #9 for 15 minutes, and see how you feel.  Chucking your blood sugar all over hell’s half acre is going to make you feel worse.

7)   While you’re doing #3, get some bloodwork done. If you’re low on iron or vitamin D, or if your hormone levels are doing the Macarena… these can all contribute to zapping your energy or switching your mood to Bleak As Hell.

8)   If you’re in bed and the “insomnia hamsters”, as I like to call them, are on the wheel of your head, watch Nightly Business News on PBS. This has the effect of Nyquil.  Swap out your coffee for herbal tea. If you just cannot sleep, try the next tip….

9)   Learn how to meditate. Start by focusing on your breathing. Not sleep, not thoughts. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Meditation is focusing on being present in your body, not careening around in your brain. It may not be as good as sleep but it will give you some rest and recharge you.

10)                  Face a window as often as you can – at work, at home. Look out into the world. Watch. Observe. Try to find something you find pretty or interesting to focus on. And, handily remember that one in five of those people out there feel the way you do.

11)                  Cry. Better out than in. Sometimes it’s not convenient or career-enhancing to cry, so find a private place as best you can and let the tears go. Carry Kleenex and face wipes and extra concealer if you wear makeup. You can always claim allergies.

12)                   Any “friend” who resolutely believes that your depression is because you’re lazy, because you’re not trying hard enough, who blames you for not bootstrapping out of it- that friend needs to be cut off. Polite (#2) is one thing, but there is a limit. You don’t have to explain, you can just not respond. You feel badly enough, you don’t need their “assistance”.

13)                  Limit your time with people who drain you. You know who they are. Often you don’t have a choice- but you can put the meter on. And, subsequently, be aware of what you’re asking of those close to you.

14)                  Everyone has shit they’ve got to deal with. What you have been saddled with is your shit. Recognize, just as you’re not alone, you’re also not unique. The grass may look greener, you may be jealous or envious of others who don’t have to deal with depression, but you likely do not know everything that’s going on with them.  

15)                  Let go or be dragged. This is an old Buddhist saying. It’s a very useful way to frame aspects of depression. Betrayal, anger, fear… letting go is a process – often a painful and difficult process - but it’s ultimately going to show you the path out of this terrible place. Repeating the mantra can help when you’re feeling gripped by these feelings.

16)                  Wear clothes that make you feel confident. It takes as much time to put on nice clothes as it does to put on sweatpants. You will want to wear the sweatpants. Fight the urge. The whole “look good/feel better” campaign isn’t limited to cancer and chemotherapy. Or women.

17)                  Avoid fictional drama and tragedy like the plague. No Grey’s Anatomy, no to The Notebook, or anything that won a Pulitzer prize. You’ve got enough going on In Real Life. Comedy only.  Or trashy stuff. Old episodes of WonderWoman? I’ve got the box set. Mindless drivel, like the latest CGI blockbuster. Or clever, funny books. David Sedaris. Jenny Lawson. Fiction exists to elicit emotion, and the emotion you need to express most right now is laughter.

18)                  Simple exercise, if you can. It can be something as simple as taking the stairs up a flight, or walking around the block. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, it doesn’t have to involve climbing a mountain or running a marathon. Baby steps.

19)                  Depression will lie to you. Depression will try to tell you what others are thinking.  That you are unloved and unworthy, that others think little of you or don’t care – or even wish you harm. You are not a psychic. Keep repeating that. “I am not a psychic”.  Repeat. The only way to know what another person is thinking is to up and ask them.

20)                  If you are well and truly losing this battle, reach out to someone. I’ve been the random friendly-but-not-close person who has fielded the occasional outreach. I like to think I’m not judgemental and generally resourceful, and others have thought the same, so they called and asked. You know someone like me. And they will help you.

21)                  Forgive yourself.  I’m writing out all these tips, and I can’t always muster the strength to even stick my nose outside, or walk up the stairs, or eat my vegetables. Today, I got outside for ten minutes. I will try again tomorrow. And I will try again the day after that.

This list will not cure you. This list will not flip on the happy switch. God, I wish it were that easy. The theme here is to not to unknowingly sabotage yourself. All these little things? Like your blood sugar, or watching nonstop episodes of House, or endless Try Harder lectures from your Perpetually Perky sister?

They all make dealing with depression just a tiny bit harder than it needs to be. And it’s hard enough, all on its own.

UPDATE: Wow, guys. Thank you. The feedback has been wonderful - all I wanted to set out to do was something helpful.

For those of you who want to see the original rant, Here it is..www.diycouturier.com/post/41923259437/to-the-person-who-wrote-21-habits-…
And here’s the response to my response (?) - basically, after posting my retort, the happy people came at me with torches all over the interwebs.
www.diycouturier.com/post/42465364887/trollin-trollin-trollin#_=_

Also, a few people have mentioned that having a critter is a great thing to keep you on track, that taking care of something and having something rely on you keeps you going. I went back and forth on including that, but for some, it’s just not feasible to have a cat or a dog… but my cat is my Prozac.

And, I wrote this in Canada, where we have universal health care. It breaks my heart that people don’t have access to professional support. You can sometimes find a community health centre, or sometimes your work benefits will have an employee support or assistance plan as part of your insurance. If you’re without benefits and hitting desperation, phone someone. Friend, family - even your local distress centre.

Stay well, my melancholic interweb friends…xoRR

defined

So I have this friend.

He's really great. And as time goes by, I gain more and more respect for him and the way he treats me and every individual around him. Let me tell you why.

He has taught me what it means to be a friend. A real, true friend. He has taught me how friends should treat each other. He has shown me how humans deserve to be treated, and the amount of respect we  should have.

I don't know what my definition of a "Friend" used to be. Perhaps it was something like "a friend makes you laugh and makes you feel good" or " a friend doesn't judge you when you cry" or "a friend comforts you when you feel low". But this friend.....THIS friend encourages me to be the best that I can be. He encourages me to pursue something that I really want, though I'm scared of it. He encourages me to overcome this trial, and to constantly work at it even though it is something that he hasn't attain at the moment either. He calls me, he checks in with me, he keeps contact with me to let me know he cares. He listens and discusses things with me, regardless of the hour. He helps me see different perspectives. When he looks, talks, and listens to me, I can FEEL confidence and support, like he genuinely cares about my well-being (and not in a romantic way.) If he disagrees with me, he explains why without an ounce of pride. If he agrees with me, he validates that and explains why I'm right or valid in thinking the way that I do. If he isn't sure, he pushes the conversation so we can figure it out, without hostility or anger. Maybe a real friend encourages you to do what YOU want and feel is right, even if it's not in line with what THEY do. I even don't feel like that gives my definition justice. It puts a twist on it that I am not meaning to put. But, that's how I feel.

I don't think I even know what I'm trying to say. Maybe I just want to let you know that I have a REALLY great friend, and am so lucky and grateful. So to you, my friend, thank-you.

Look, I don't mean to be gross. And I am not a fan of memes, but sometimes Pinterest has it right on the money

Source: extremisimo.com via Gywana on Pinterest