the last thing i want to hear.... FML

The last thing i want to hear from him is 'No more children, 1 is enough...'

Did I ask for it? For him, yes. I always ask for it... when shit happens.

I hate myself everyday for being forgetful and hypersensitive. but he'll never know. For him, i'm a demanding crazy wife.

Min called today about his PR. I was anxious I was stressed. I didnt have the right state of mind to deal with it and i got blamed, again, as usual. I kept quiet and hurt bitterly. I hate myself for being like that.

From now on, I will suppress all my feelings and stop loving. The more I care, the worse it gets. Marriage is just a piece of paper.

No more love, no more tears. Let alone being close to each other. Now we see each other everyday.. but the distance and gap between us is further and further. He doesnt even talk to me, he says he has nothing to share wt me cos his life is boring.

I regret. I regret for getting pregnant unintentionally, so careless. Hate myself, even I've been telling myself its a gift from God. I hate to admit to dajie that we don't know each other well enuff to get married, i feel it now. When Min calls, I just want to give up n tell him that maybe he should go bk to KL. I dont even want to try anymore.

Its a total change of both our lives, staying here in Adelaide, makes me think that its a foolish decision. And I already know that he wouldnt have moved here if I hadnt got pregnant. And our relationship might have called it an end. Maybe it would've been better that way. I'm not sure.

My unsettled hormone and his impatience, fear me everyday. I dont want to be pregnant anymore.. I hate this so much.

Its ruining our relationship and our marriage n its just gonna get worse when the baby arrives, I know it already.

back to normal

This morning was still kinda awkward. So now everything is back to normal. And had a good laugh and tease to each other.

Hopefully this will be the very last time we argue like barbarians. :( I hate tears, I hate arguments.

Went to IKEA and bought all the remaining stuff for baby.

Cot mattress, linen, maslin wraps... and finally, my dream PRAM from 'Haggle Baby'. Same model as Alice's. I really like it.

We have to work on it, may we live happily ever after.

Angels

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

Point of no Return

I dunno why I have come home. I have been crying non stop for 3 hours, will i even stop?

I just can't stop thinking.. this is the worst decision ever in my life. I'm not sure. The marriage? The pregnancy? Anyhow, its point of no return.

I hate myself for having the thought to end this life. Its so sinful.. so terrible.

I see no sun in my sky. Every morning when i wake up, I tell myself, this is all gonna be worth it. Not long to go.. I love my man, he is the reason i'm doing this. And when we argue, everything shatters. Is there really love?

I have not felt love from him for a long long time. He says he loves me, only when i say it to him. He doesn't hug me. He is not interested in our conversations. He is always occupied with something. I shall just shut up. I feel like a nuisance, burden and annoyance to him. Like I've pushed us into this crappy situation of having to start our lives together so soon.

S'times i wish, he could just lay his eyes on me again.. I have not seen those admiring eyes for a long long time. I know I'm not attractive anymore.. no longer pretty.. and I'm no longer the girl of his dream. And probably realized that I'm not the wife he has expected. I just hope one day he can stop correcting my flaws. My driving is so bad.. I'm a number 1 messy person.. I'm a lousy Tupperware demonstrator.. I can't do laundry.... my English/grammar is so bad.. I stammer when I talk in front of him.. I'm never good enough.

Its not just about me me and me. I hope he'll share his feelings with me.. but he says he's not used to it.

Every time his face changes, my heart jumps then I start tip-toeing.. or shut up. When I hear loud bangs, i start trembling.. bang bang bang.. it drives a hyper-sensitive preggo woman crazy. But afterall, i'm just a crazy emo preggo wife.

Edema is quite bad. Face, neck, fingers, legs, feet...etc all swollen and painful. Wake up every morning with painful joints. I've been telling him. I've been hoping maybe he will offer me a short, nice little foot massage.. or s'thing. Just the thought that counts.. just wanna know that i'm still on his mind.

I really hate this married and pregnant life. I feel like a failure. At the age of 29, I have no career.. no savings, .. clumsy, careless...and a husband that's never happy with anything, everything I do and yet I'm going to have a baby so soon....
and that I can never be a good wife nor a good mother. I have tried my best. But I know i'm never ever good enough for him.

I dunno why I have come home. So, when he says he won't bother me anymore.. this is what he means. So, we're like house-mates now. Tears don't matter to him..

Baby's movement has been causing terrible discomfort. I prayed to God last night that I will stop complaining and appreciate every movement from baby, as its a blessing and its good that baby is moving actively. I know and I understand. But the movements are hurting me a lot. Not long to go. Pray to God again, for you to be healthy.

The right partner: Expect less and appreciate more

Marriage is not just about marrying the right person, but being the right partner.

Instead of bursting out my temper every couple days... I've just chosen to keep them all to myself. I am still getting used to the way hubby talks.. his scolding is caring theory. Its not easy especially when I'm hyper sensitive these days.

The recently popped out PUPPP is driving me crazy few times a day. I'm trying to cope with it. Lower hip pain is getting better after I got to rest for 3 days at home without stress. I do stress about housework. Oh yeah, I can clean, just not good at maintaining. Yeah, I'll deal with it.

I understand hubby is trying and working very hard to adapt to our new lives too. Going back to studies, in a brand new environment, sometimes I feel very sad I dunno why. Then I just tell myself, its all temporary, maybe for a couple years. We just have to be strong and get thru it. I just want him to be happy...What I worry is that we both won't be able to get thru this, due to communications problems.

When he's tired, frustrated, he sounds very rough and rude, which he doesn't realize. When I use the same tone back, we argue. What I dont get is that, why can't he just sounds a little nicer to me? I've changed heaps since I met him, still trying to change my bad habits into a better person and I do hope that he can do it too, so we can have a good and healthy marriage life.

Last night was the 2nd parental education class at the hospital. We were late again cos I insist to have dinner before the class. Sigh, fail miserably. Next week we'll be early. Promise. I finish at 5.30pm, so maybe go straight to town when hubs picks me up.

At the beginning of the lesson, I was still quite horrified of labour. Throughout the class, I kept telling myself, I can do it I can do it.. if every other woman can do it.. and I somehow overcome the fear, I mean, not completely, but at least I'm not as scared as before.

And after today, I know that, if I expect too much from hubby, I'll probably go into depression, totally. He is all new to this as well, its not fair for him either. I'm a strong girl, always have been. I shall not be weaken by all these. Even its recently occurred to me that I've lost a lot of my confidence around hubby. Sometimes I feel like a stupid wife that doesn't know anything. I've told him before and of course he doesn't realize that things that he says to me does let me down heaps.

Like my English is really bad.... I sometimes make the mistakes of he/she.. .. I can't keep the house clean... I can't do my Tupperware party very well.. (i'm still learning and getting used to it..).. I know sometimes he's trying to encourage me.. but when he's serious, when he's 'caring', it always seems like telling me off and correcting me.. reasoning me... and I'm sooooo tired of it.

I was very scared n worried tonight when I thought I saw a ghost at the park with Moomoo. All I got was: "There're a couple of mistakes that you made...." When I accidentally burned myself... "How many times I told you not to....?".. "Why u so careless again?" accidents do happen u know... a simple "are you ok?" will only come after.. or if I ask for the 'are you ok?', all i get is "whatever la.." and then I'm left standing there, blank and having to deal wt my wound.. .or my hurt feelings.

The pregnancy doesn't help as it sorta magnifies everything. But I do remember going through all the same stuff with him throughout our relationship. Before and after getting married. Most of the time, I just hope that he'll spend a little more time on getting to know me... but he thinks he already knows me too well. And I'm too scared to get closer to him. And I think he feels the same.. cos I always have to take the initiative to talk to him.. to update him about the pregnancy.. and at times I get really tired of always having to be the one to do the talking. And when I'm quiet.. then something is wrong with me.... :(

All the dreams and wish I have been longing for suddenly have just vanished. Of course, cos we're expecting a baby. And so we have to have different dreams now...We're living on a budget now, so I can't expect nice gifts or romantic dine out. Actually, I don't really remember we ever had a nice, arranged special romantic dinner with hub since we met because to him, its waste of money and not necessary. I know he helping around the house and surprising me with houseworks is how he cheers me up these days. I shud be happy. I am happy. Although I'm still longing for flowers the most wasteful thing ever in the world to him... even just the beautiful roses from our front yard... I'll pluck them for myself.

We'll be meeting our Caden Ng Bo Young very soon. I pray everyday for him to be healthy. I guess most of my worries come from, being scolded by hubby. We've been thru this already. I'm afraid that my clumsiness and forgetfulness will make heaps of mistakes.. and might harm Caden.. and that hubby will shout at me.. scold me... and blame me. I know that's my biggest fear and of cos I'll be extra careful around Caden. I hope I can be a good mother.

How I've chosen not to let out my temper and be angry with his tone of voice is to keep quiet and entertain myself & listen to beautiful love songs and praise songs. Silence is always golden. I do have the fear that this might let him think that I've gotten used to it.... whatever. If he senses there's a problem, he should change the way he speaks without me pin-pointing every time. I do hope that he'll not speak to me like that in front of Caden, cos to me its very rude and Caden will pick it up and speak to me like that too. I am so tired.

To him.. to others, I'm worrying too much.. I'm thinking too much.
After Caden is born, its all about Caden. Its normal... everything is about our precious. So thats the greatest love of all. Mothers always come last.
Sometimes I wish, he'll see less of my flaws & shortcomings and appreciate more of my beauty and things that I've been doing... and I've been reminding myself to be like that too ever since the first time he said I pinpoint his flaws when we were dating...

I just hope that he'll realize it someday and its not too late and we can really live happily ever after. Expect less and appreciate more. I believe God will lead us. Like He always does.

by Lara Fabian

I remember the rain on the roof that morning
And all the things that I wanted to say
The angry words that came from nowhere without warning
That stole the moment and sent me away
And you standing there at the
doorway crying
And me wondering if I'd ever be back

I said I didn't come here to leave you
I didn't come here to lose
I didn't come here believing I would ever be away from you
I didn't come here to find out
There's a weakness in my faith
I was brought here by the power of love
Love by grace

And I remember the road just went on forever
Just couldn't seem to turn that car around
'Til in the distance like a long lost treasure
A phone booth that just could not be found
And you standing there at the doorway waiting
And the moment when we laid back down

That was just a moment in time
And one we'll never forget
One we can leave behind
'Cause when there was doubt
You'll remember I said

I didn't come here believing I would ever be away from you
I didn't come here to find out
There's a weakness in my faith
I was brought here by the power of love
I was brought here by the power of love
Love by grace

by Shunza

I always think that I know everything
But you insist I know nothing
I always fight to have very last word
But your thoughts were never heard

I'm sorry, so sorry
Didn't mean to hurt you
I'll borrow your sorrow
Don't tell me it's through
I wish I could take back some things I said
I wish I could make things better
I wish I could take back some things I did
Everyday I'm feeling sadder
I'm sorry, so sorry
Didn't mean to hurt you
I'll borrow your sorrow
It's my turn now to cry
Never fear I'll be here
Say a prayer
We can take on the hands of time
And I, I know we can make it
If we just stay together
And trust each other on this one
I'm sorry, so sorry
Didn't mean to hurt you
I'll borrow your sorrow
Don't tell me it's through, don't tell me it's through
Said I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I've never meant to, never meant to hurt you
I'll borrow, I will borrow your sorrow
It's my turn now to cry

Foolish me foolish life

I feel like a fool. Feel like an idiot.

All I can think of is to give birth and die from labour. So i no longer have to put up with all these crap.

I'm so tired.. physically and mentally. My body cannot cope the work at Yamaha. But I have to. To keep the job. I'm so exhausted when I get home from work, even its just 2 hours plus. And then I'll have to cook dinner... can't eat take out cos its bad for baby... ... ...

Busy weekend...
Saturday is always my nightmare. This weekend is even worse. I dunno how to say NO to Auntie Mable about the Tupperware party. I hate it when people are pushy. But she's being nice. And we need the money.

Sunday is even more terrible. Yamaha showcase. And i have to be there at 9am.. then after the kids play.. i'll have to teach Sunny and Annabel... then go back to the showcase again.. then driving assessment.

The driving instructor is pushy.. if i had a choice, i dont want to do the assessment tomorrow or this Sunday. But he's thinking for me. I can't complain. So i'll just have to suck it up and do it. And cos i stupidly can't find the logbook for the last few months.. my fault. just hope and pray i wont be so stressed that i'll go into early labour tmr. n of cos, the argument didnt help at all.

So wats my bloody problem here? Just scared of hubby I guess. Scared of everything. When i worry for him, its not right and I'll get scolded.. when i'm scared of him, its totally wrong.

I've just been tip-toeing ard him. I'm scared to offend him when we talk bout jobs that he can look for. I get stressed out when he tells me he is not interested in this not interested in that.. he can't do this he can't do that... so I just leave it.. but stressing myself.... afterall, its his choice n being a wife i'll have to respect it. even for me i think that any jobs..anything any interviews is a good exposure and good experience...maybe not. everyone is different.

I'm not too sure whether he is 100% about the security course.. I'm afraid that I might have been pushy in this.. but I dunno wat else i could do. As i do worried about money for our family. Then i began to think that its a wrong decision to come bk to Adelaide even the medical welfare and benefits are so damn good.

Marriage is already hard enuff for everyone. For us, its even worse. As we're expecting the baby... hubby is new here in Adelaide... and we have no family here.. he's got no friends here... i've been trying my best. maybe not enuff.

S'times when he scolds me.. when he doesnt like me this doesnt like me that.. i'll just think, y doesnt he get a perfect wife.. instead of this lousy me?
maybe its a malaysian chinese culture thing. showing signs of appreciation n praising wt good words seldom happen and what we get is just picking and complaining.