feather by ~ahsoakl on deviantART

I realized that im too much of an independent person to belong to group efforts. Band was a terrible thing for me because it help me back. I did the minimum because i couldn't do everything myself.
people ask if i need help with things and its tough to tell people that you'd rather do it alone.
but if i want the best results, it's solo i gooooo


i didn't sleep, i feel like shit
i watched Tomb Raider this morning while everyone was asleep

i need to get back into my head

The first pot i made on the wheel, i gave to heather. It was a brown and neon green, lopsided, uneven mess of abstract glory. I loved that pot and i knew that she would too. Heather came first in my life. Always has, always will. The second pot i made took longer, and was small, because i kept messing up. I glazed it neon green and coral. They clash but go together so well. This is why i gave it to Ed. Ed took a while to get. Second try, and it's small. We clash, but fit in a goofy, weird way. The third pot i ever made is going to a boy named John. John is a random boy, a friend. He is the stranger that i would happily help out or be nice to. The pot that i am giving him is creatively representational of me. It is abstract, yet perfect. Even textured and glazed. He is the gateway into the world of people i don't know. He gets the full dosage of how i really am perceived by other people. The fourth pot i made was for Melissa. It's not that she's fourth in life, it's because she accepts that bestfriends can not always come first. I was getting used to the wheel, learning to love it. Her pot is classic, normal and refined. The fifth pot i made will go to steve. Steve is a handsome and classy boy. His is glazed in brown and maroon, because those are his favorite colors. Steve's pot was made to please him in its shape and colors. Steve is the boy that a girl changes for.
I'm not sure if i will ever keep my pots for myself. I'm not sure if i'll ever keep my heart for myself. There's more people to give to, but time needs to be sliced up and divided evenly.

Amen to not having mrsa again!
i love my surgeon. he is so nice. most surgeons dont talk much because their patients are under heavy meds and wouldn't talk back.

i am only looking forward to this letter i should recieve from dave so that i can get it over with. It is probably a closure thing. for him, not for me. I almost feel as if i was the worse person in the situation. He kissed another girl, but i fell for another guy. Another guy that was not worth falling for. A guy i broke off many things to be with, but didn't persu me.

i just finished my zyvox and i think i have to go on it again
i think i have mrsa again
i don't understand how i can have such bad luck

i was spoiled with someone who would drop everything for me
which has made me compare people.
i want someone to change that

1. i have become almost ambidextrous, im a speed demon at typing and texting with one hand. though it doesnt always come out as glorious and correct as it could be

2. get your own food. even if you say you're vegetarian, they will still bring you meat trays.

3. The t.v.s will make a high pitched noise and the remotes only change the channels to go up. computers or dvd players are necessary.

4. If you're an aspiring anorexic, this is your place

5. Dont even bother learning the nurses names, youll go through 3 a day

6. who needs clothes when you've got these stylish boxy robes that have possibly seaguls on them, but i cannot tell exactly.

7. the nurses some times tell you a little too much about themselves

8.everyone at home at home needs something else to gossip about a.k.a you and why youre here

9. the soap smells like my beach house

10. a drunk driver hit my porch at my beach house and it separated from the house. DaMnnNn

i was first refered to the surgeon. It seems only normal to cry but my mom thought it was strange. she kept saying " tell me what's wrong, tell me what you're thinking." i wanted to tell her that it was her fault i was here. If we went to the hospital the day before,like i asked, it wouldnt have spread and i wouldn't have cellulites.
they started me on antibiotics through IV. I had a reaction towards the ending of it. they decided to change me to another antibiotic. one more strong, and definitely more expensive than the last. It's costing my parents 3 grand for just 10 days of medicine.

when i first checked into my room, i noticed down the hall a little girl riding a toy car.
her mom was fixing the mask on her face so she wouldnt spread any germs. to be hospitalized at that age is terrible. the door to my room was left open and every five minutes a mom in a hospital gown would walk hand in hand with her daughter, also in a hospital gown. the girl seemed only about 5.

its cranberry juice and mashed potatoes for now

i began to realize how i haven't been thinking lately. i'm just doing what gives me the most happiness. i vowed to start thinking again. the way i did before dave. where i didn't always think of boys and money and material possessions.
this weekend is possibly a blessing in disguise.
i dont necessarily like the iv in my arm for the next 3 days, the middle of the night check ups and an all liquid diet, but i am not bothering with anything thats stressing me out anymore. i dont really talk to anyone and the only people i see have to wear big yellow gowns and gloves. hah and who would've thought there'd be wireless internet in the hospital.
i can't wait to read actual books again
i dont want to be like the people in Brave New World who only cared about their own benefit.

last night when my dad came to the hospital he brought flowers and i would've been happier to hear that he brought them, not that dave dropped them off.
i don't want anything to do with him anymore.
i can't stand him
i feel so fake in front of him. almost as if i want him to think im so much better off without him.
im not even sure if i am or not

i'm tired of the male population around here.
i need some new ones.
i hate the douche bags and ass holes i always associate myself with
i just want to chill.