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Incase you've been wondering where I was early last week, let me clear all things up with two simple epic words: GUITAR WOLF
Here are the parts that I remember:
On Sunday Peter gave me a call out of the blue to see if I wanted to go see Guitar Wolf for free over in Monterey. I didn't know much about them, but had heard good things, and needed an excuse to get out of the house. That, and adventures with Peter are always pretty rad.
We grabbed my toy guitars (of "Avi And Eric Band" fame) and hit the road.
The opening bands kind of sucked so we walked around the venue looking for hot sluts, didn't find any, then went back to Peter's car to get trashed and yell things at the random students walking by.
Guitar Wolf came on, and fucking owned. They are this completely insane Japanese garage-rock band who drinks beer and does drugs and goes completely nuts, on stage and off.. They completely blew me away. At one point the guitar player jumped into the crowd to rock out with everyone and I ran up and put him up on my shoulders kind of like what happened at that Brilliant Red Lights show a few weeks back.. It was fucking insane. I still don't know how I lifted him, especially being so incredibly wasted, I don't even know how I was standing up straight. Peter and I also totally owned the pit even though it was a rock n roll show not a punks how (we didn't start shit, we just fucked with the moshers).
After the show Peter and I went back over to his car and put on an impromptu rock-show with the toy guitars we had brought. All was going awesome and a bunch of people were gathered around watching, the guitar wolf guys were even watching and cheering for us from across the street, then out of nowhere while swinging the guitar around my back it came off its strap and went flying into the car parked next to us, smashing the window!!
Immediately this totally wasted hesher type ran up to Peter and started yelling shit about how we were "so dead" and "total fags" and "better get the fuck out of here" and all sorts of junk.. I don't know why he ran up to Peter instead of me, since I had smashed the window, I guess he was just wasted and saw that I didn't have a guitar but Peter did.. I'm not sure, but he was spitting all over us and he was so pissed it looked like the veins in his head were going to pop, and the stench of booze on his breath was nauseating. Peter had his keys out and was saying something like "Look, we're really sorry, we're on our way out, I'll pay for the broken window" then the hesher jerk sucker-punched Peter in the stomach, grabbed his keys, then jumped into Peter's car and sped out of the parking lot (driving half over the curb), and ran right into an electricity pole!
In less than a minute two cop cars were there (I think they were already close-by working security for the show), Peter and I were both completely wasted out of our minds, and both being underage, were freaked out about going over to the car (since we'd get in trouble with the cops for being this trashed, and couldn't legally drive for sure anyway), and just didn't know what to do at all. Peter was actually borrowing the car from a family member so it wasn't even his, and apparently the smog wasn't registered right or some other shit so it wasn't even legal to drive.. it was just a total mess. The hesher was ok apparently and was taken away in a cop car instead of the ambulance that later showed up, Peter and I were just standing by the club the entire time watching with a mix of shock and disbelief and just total dread not sure about what to do or what was going on.
A tow truck showed up to take the car away as the Guitar Wolf guys came back out of their bus, and with the help of their manager, congratulated us in very broken English over the quality of our rock-show and how rad they thought it was that I ran around the pit with the guitar player still playing up on my shoulders.. They asked what was wrong and Peter pointed "my car.." -- the Bass player (I don't know any of their names) said something in Japanese that I'm pretty sure meant something like "OOOOhhhhh I understand, that sucks" while offering a bottle of something to Peter.. Peter said "thanks" and took a quick gigantic swing of the stuff then handed it back to the bass player who held the bottle up to the light then all the Guitar Wolf guys started cheering, I guess impressed with how much of it he drank. Peter looked up and asked "wait, what was that? Oh shit, what was that??" -- we still aren't really sure what it was, some kind of Japanese booze or drugs or something I guess, well we were all still extremly wasted from all the beer and whiskey we had at the show, but I had some of the mystery-elixer next and it definitely fucked with our heads beyond anything we were used to from alcohol alone, like what I imagine Sparks would be mixed with cocaine and LSD or something.
We went back up onto Guitar Wolf's bus and hung out some more, did a few lines of coke, it was just a ridiculous sort of "party" with us, them, a few groupies, and some of their crew. A total sausage party with no chicks at all but it was still fun.. I'm not sure how long we were in there, but suddenly the bus started moving and Peter and I both went "oh shit!" and explained that we had to get off and figure out a way home.. The Guitar Wolf guys pretended to not understand us at all (they clearly understood English but sucked at it, but when we were trying to get off the bus they just played up the "we're foreigners from Japan" shtick) and said "san Francisco" -- well actually, the next show was in San Francisco, so really staying with them would get us closer to home.. we weren't really thinking rationally about anything with all the booze and drugs and everything so whatever we decided to just stay on. In hindsight I'm sure the driver spoke perfect English and would have let us off, but we didn't even think about going that far to the front of the bus (since we were partying in lounge area all the way back), I guess we were just so trashed we didn't even think about it.
After about fifteen minutes of driving I could tell we were on the freeway (since the bus was going a steady speed without tons of stops and turns) and the drummer guy (who hadn't said much so far) got really excited out of nowhere and said something in Japanese to the other two.. They then got super excited and the drummer ran out of the lounge area, and returned a minute later with six pairs of leather pants.. They made Peter and I try them on and pick out a pair that fit us, and then while we were looking at ourselves in the mirror, THEY THREW OUR OLD PANTS OUT THE WINDOW!!
I was totally pissed, because my wallet and cell phone and just everything was in my other pants, but the Guitar Wolf guys and Peter just thought it was hilarious and so rad that we had these kick-ass leather pants.. I'm personally kind of grossed out by leather bands being a vegan and everything but whatever it was fun I guess.. I think I had totally forgotten about the pants within the next minute because I vaguely remember more partying and things, I'm not sure though, it was a bunch of a blur.. I woke up the next day probably at three in the afternoon half-way laying down on the table thing in the back lounge and Peter on the floor, we were both still completely drunk and had to piss so bad.. my pee was bright neon orange!
We were parked right in front of Bottom Of The Hill and were all still pretty drunk. I would say just "buzzed" at this point (with a hint of something else, probably from the crazy Japanese stuff they were making us drink and eat), but not "going nuts" or anything like the previous night, a lot more chill, and thankfully not at all hung-over or anything gross like that.
We took the band and their crew out to the burrito place down the street and showed them about American food (I guess they don't have burritos at all in Japan!), then when I tried to pay I realized "oh shit, where's my wallet. Oh shit, what the fuck are these pants?" -- it was a total Homer Simpson moment like "hey whats going on", the whole "bizzaro world" of it all really hit me.. The band's manager guy paid for everything, and they ordered a few buckets of beer too, so we all just had burritos drinking EVEN MORE beer, totally a horrible idea but it was all in good f un.
By the time the show started we were all back to full-on drunk and hanging out in the backstage area up-stairs, with the band and some REALLY HOT chicks. This one super hot asian girl was in there and I drunkenly introduced myself and put out my hand to shake her hand, she grabbed it then leaned in and just started making out with me right there for about thirty seconds. Then she turned to Peter, asked "and whats your name?", he said "Peter" and it sounded like he was about to say "nice to meet you" but she leaned in and interrupted him by making out for about thirty seconds, then stopped abruptly when one of Guitar Wolf's crew people yelled something in Japanese (the band was out in their bus or something at this point, they were back and forth between the bus and the backstage area the entire night).. Peter and I just looked at eachother bewildered like "whoa fucking rad!!"
There was another super cute chick there who was kind of smaller and wearing glasses, but wasn't drinking or doing much of anything, just sitting quietly in the corner observing everything. I sat down next to her and said hello. I don't remember how the conversation went at all but apparently the girl who had just kissed Peter and I was her sister, and she was there to keep an eye on her. Soo fucking weird!!!
The show this night was way fucking awesome too but I didn't go as ape-shit as I did the at the show the night before, I think I was just running out of energy or something from all the extreme partying that my body just wasn't used to.. But it was still super rad, and I think we may have even been drunker than we were the night before (since we were backstage with the booze and everything). We were also wearing our awesome leather pants and talking to hella rocker sluts at the show who saw our backstage passes and pants and thought we were so cool (despite our not being asian).
When the show was over we had vaguely talked about calling one of Peter's friends in the city to go home and get shit figured out with his car and everything, but we were also totally wasted and horny teenagers-- Right before the bus pulled out, the hot slut who had kissed us earlier hopped on board, and then her sister climbed in after and asked "are you guys coming?" we kind of mumbled something then she grabbed Peter's hand and said "you guys HAVE to come!" so we hopped on with her (to cheers from the G.W. guys), beer still in hand, as the bus took us to Hollywood..
The Guitar Wolf guys were going even crazier than they were the night before (if that's possible), or maybe it just looked that way since Peter and I had only been drinking this time, they were passing the tall girl around between each other like she was some sort of prostitute or something.. actually I'm pretty sure that she was. And she didn't look anything at all like her "sister".
The Guitar Wolf guys started walking towards the back lounge area with who I will refer to as "slutty tall girl" (so far we were in the front-lounge, separated from the back-lounge by a door, a hallway with all the bunks along the walls, and then another door), the bass player motioned for Peter and I to get up and come with them, but the "shorter glasses-wearing sister" grabbed both our arms at once and said very authoritatively "Stay here!" -- so we sat back down and drank our beer.. Then we realized she wasn't drinking at all, and for about a minute it was kind of awkward. Then she pulled out a deck of "Uno" cards and we must have played Uno for a good three or four hours straight while listening to J-Pop and muffled sounds of the band guys and chick fucking from the back of the bus.
We eventually all went to sleep (the girl on the couch, me on the other couch, and peter on the floor), I woke up a few times when the Guitar Wolf guys came up to use the bathroom, but other than that we finally got a bit of actual rest in, and finally woke up when the bus pulled in to a gas station outside of LA.
We walked to an In-N-Out Burger with the "little sister" and she got us some food (I got a vegi burger! That is the best fast-food place ever), then hopped back on the bus. None of the band guys even got out of bed or anything, they just slept and slept.. We finally got to the Knitting Factory, so the "little sister" went to the back area of the bus, came out with her "big sister" and then hopped off the bus together not saying a word to anyone, and went straight into a car that was stopped right behind us with a driver and its engine running, and just drove straight off.
Fucking weird!!!!
By this point we didn't know what the fuck to do. We didn't ever actually sit down and have a coherent conversation about what to do about the missing car, how we were going to get home, or anything. We didn't have any money, no cell phones, nothing at all..
But we did have laminated "all access pass" things for the Guitar Wolf tour, and were clearly invited to stay on the road as long as we wanted to.
And we were having a ton of fun.
We decided to just hang out and see where the trip would take us.. We didn't have anything to do at home anyway, could just report the car as stolen (it was only worth like $200 anyway), and the next shows were Pomona then Austin for the South By South West music festival which we REALLY wanted to attend, so it was kind of perfect!
We got some fancy sushi on Sunset Ave. with the band and then went back to the club to help set up equipment and stuff, and finally take showers (Guitar Wolf's manager INSISTED on the showers, apparently we were starting to really stink..) - there was a shower back-stage at the Knitting Factory that we used while the band went over to a hotel to probably do the same thing.
It was kind of silly to wash since we only had one pair of stinky leather pants, still all gross and sweaty when we put them back on, but we got fresh Guitar Wolf shirts from the merch guy and looked a lot cleaner, with combed hair and getting to shave and everything..
There were a TON of slimy industry people hanging out back-stage once the show started. The band was very clearly irritated but trying to be polite, so they pretended again to not speak any English at all and went back to hang out on their bus, motioning Peter and I to come along.. Their poor managers had to play nice with the record industry slime, haha.. We had some more booze and coke, and some cute girls came on that we actually got to make out with this time, it was really fun and crazy though a tiny bit more chill than the first night. And we all went totally ape-shit for the show, I don't think I've gone that crazy at a show since I was sixteen.. And making out with a beautiful random girl from the crowd right in the middle of a mosh-pit is just SO FUCKING RAD.
While everyone was packing up after the show I was making out with this really hot chick then out of nowhere thought about my cell phone and had an uncrontrollable urge to check my messages. I don't know why at all, total OCD because it really should have waited, but I excused myself and ran over to a pay-phone to place that call.
I luckily have my calling card info memorized (its just my phone number then a password, at&t is sweet like that), and dialed my cell phone expecting to get the voicemail thing.
My mom picked up on the first ring and totally freaked me out yelling "HELLO? HELLO? WHO IS THIS??" -- I did my best to act sober and said it was me and I was ok and everything. Apparently the cops in Monterey found my pants and called my house (since my address was on my ID), and my parents actually DROVE DOWN all freaked out to get them.. I felt SO BAD!!! They didn't get Peter's pants, probably because the ID he had belonged to someone else, doh.. My parents thought we might have been kidnapped or something, but being over 18 they couldn't report us to the cops as missing for another three days.
She asked where I was and I tried to think quick and said "oh, San Francisco, I'm helping a friend move" or something totally stupid like that, I'm glad I wasn't asked to explain how I had lost my pants because any lie I could have come up with would have been totally easy to spot bullshit.. She did however insist that I come home right away in that ‘motherly voice' that is impossible to argue with. I said that I had to spend the night since I was helping my friend move in the morning but could come home after that (once again thinking quick about how long it would take to greyhound home or whatever)..
That totally sucked and totally killed my boner, which was fine because the girl I had been hooking up with was now in the same spot but making out with the sound-man. Oh well..
I found Peter and explained what was up, and we decided that it would make more sense really to just find a way to get home.. Another one of Peter's friends was randomly at this LA show (he knows a LOT of people!) and we somehow managed to borrow $100 from him for our journey home (Thanks Mark!), we said goodbye to the Gutiar Wolf guys and got a random fan to give us a ride to GreyHound.
The $100 was just enough ($43 each and then my CalTrain/Bart combination from San Francisco to San Jose at about $9, which was totally stupid but I was so wasted when buying our GreyHound tickets that I didn't realize we were going to different places).. we miraculously slept most of the way despite the creepy crazy people talking and stinking up the place..
The rest of this trip wasn't that eventful, Jessica was nice enough to give me a ride back home from the CalTrain station, and my parents weren't even home when I got there so I was able to take another shower and change into some regular clothes and everything, and thought up a better story for how I lost my pants..
So yea, that was my totally epic Guitar Wolf experience. That band is so fucking rad, I can't wait to hang out with them again. They said to give them a call if I'm ever in Japan, and I will be this summer with Shinobu, its going to be so fucking rad!!!
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