jennizane

ive been listening to bloc party and have been reminded of how good they are. silent alarm, what a beautiful debut album.

i’ve been thinking about loss. and how much i seem to be losing this year, so far, a lot of important things have been slipping through my grasp, walking away, being taken from me, cutting ties, not looking back. for the first time in years, i’m acutally allowing myself to feel everything and deal with it now, here and now. its the hardest thing a person can do, deal with the loss that life is inevitably constantly about. we spend our lives running from but never quite evading the loss we all feel. i’m losing the best friend i had for the last year. i guess i’ve already lost him but it comes in waves and soon he’ll be gone, perhaps forever. i’ve lost other best friends, some i’ve regained and some are gone good. i’ve dealt with it in different ways, some good, some not so good. now, i’m just plain dealing. i’m now losing someone who i lost a good while ago now but it’s been a new slap in the face this week. necessary i suppose and really the way it should be, still, it hurts.

its kept me up at night, this insomnia has to leave me soon because my will is breaking. i have no control over these things. i have to accept it. i refuse to shut down, disconnect and pretend, like other people deal with these feelings. i've done that in the past, with some devastating consequences.i’ll just buck up, feel the pain, cry like a motherfucker and press on.

This life=this is not the life i want

Wishing your 2008 to be better than your 2007. Yep.

New York was bitchin! I loved it!!!! None of my photos came out very well, 8 rolls!!! Still, it was grand. I hope I make it back there soon!

So, I'm leaving this Friday morning for a one week foray to the city of ? What do they call NYC? Oh yes, 'City that Never Sleeps', right? Anyway, it's my FIRST time and I'm verrrry excited.

If you've been there, can you please give me a couple of 'must dos/sees'?! Appreciated.
Also, if you live there (Irina, this means you!), I'd love to see you!!!

:)

This journal is about to recede back to a free journal status and I plan on letting it be. Seems silly to pay for extras I don't use more than once a year. Hmmmm.

I still read what others are doing (albeit only periodically) however I feel reluctant to write about what is happening in my life. Mainly because I always feel that my negative and pessimistic attitude made people think I was an annoying whiner. I'm not. I'm a real person who struggles with loving myself, not being overly critical of everything I do, trying to live in the moment and attempting to stop (at least curb) my sabotaging of important relationships.

I feel very vulnerable-in every way. I feel lost. I feel like every day I struggle between making good decisions and allowing myself to fall into a comfortable state of negative flagellation. I can no longer do it. I just turned 33 and I have to accept that I cannot control everything in life. I realize my need to try to control everything has made me a miserable person, in many ways. I don't want to feel unworthy any longer. I want to love and accept myself, learn to accept that I cannot control other people or their actions or the things that happen around me. I want to live in the moment and appreciate all of the wonderful people and things around me. I no longer want to act in hurtful ways to others because of my fears. I no longer want to sabotage my happiness.

Damn, I haven't posted to this thing, for this long? Holy moly. I haven't much to say nor the time to say it in.

Hey everyone. It's nice to read from people I don't keep in touch with often enough.

Just got back from a long weekend trip to LA. As I said to C in the line to board the plane back to SF, "This trip was a trip." Indeed it was.

Working my arse off.

Having another house party on March 3. Think my set is shaping up to be quite an arse shaker. At least I hope!

Going to see IAMX March 19. Our posse shall be in awe.

Doing dog sitting stints to bring in extra cash and for the experience.

Going to Las Vegas in April to see Brit for her birthday; I can't wait to see her as too many years have passed since we've seen one another in the flesh and watched the ben stiller show, of course.

Planning a trip to Amsterdam this year, I HOPE. More to say, I'll leave it at that for now though.

Also planning a trip, my first trip, to NYC to visit numerous friends. Exciting.

I've decided to just start putting shit on my credit card and doing it. Life is too short and I need to do things this year. I'm going to try to be as pragmatic as I always am though, so I may change my mind. However, if it seems feasible, I really will try.

My new career path is heating up in a lot of ways. I'm pretty challenged, which has been good and bad but overall no real complaints (just my normal ones, haha).

There is a lot more happening but some isn't meant for this arena and some are just boring or too complicated to get into here.

I'll just say I'm grateful for the good times and try to embrace the bad.

Myspace Codes: MyNiceSpace.com

Wish I could be there to celebrate with you, somewhere else, like we always did. But I'm there with you in spirit with a reminder that another year that passes is another year you're older but also a new year in which things will improve, for both of us. Have a good one sweetie. Glad you like the new panties. ;)
xoxo

Since my last post was so negative and self loathing, this short one is just to remind myself that things aren't all bad, that I'm not all bad. I'm feeling better this week. I talked to E and no matter what happens, I know what a beautiful person he is and that I am and have been so fucking lucky.

There are some wonderful people in my life and yes, I have the dogs-that make the low pay, the lame coworkers, the dirty, hard work all worth it. I'm working on increasing my income-I need patience (as always). So yeah, enough bitching for now (this month-as surely more will follow).

A year has passed that I've been back in the states, that I left Amsterdam, my home, my husband, my cat. And I have to say that in this year, I haven't really done anything of any importance or accomplished much of anything. This makes me feel like a total and utter failure. On top of that, I miss Europe and my home in Amsterdam. Living in SF makes me content but at the same time-I pretty much hate everything. At least, this is the way I'm feeling today. I'm pretty disappointed in how most things have turned out and feel very, very alone. Of course, I have my good days. This week has not been good. I miss Eelco and Osho so much. I feel confused, alone and just so fucking dumb. I want to feel good about myself and my life but feel so utterly incapable, it scares me.

Also, feeling very tired because I work very hard for very little pay. So yea, on top of my failure, I also stress about money-basically paying my rent and am exhausted from all the physical work and annoying coworkers. The dogs are still great and I have a new favourite dog. She is a pit bull, her name is Bella and she is beautiful, wonderful and kissable.

I don't really have anyone to turn to at all. I thought I was lonely in Amsterdam....turns out I'm just as alone and lonely in San Francisco. Wherever you go, that's where you are. That's me. Always in my head, forever the same.