Paper Tiger

Losing

jennizane — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 11:05:23 GMT

ive been listening to bloc party and have been reminded of how good they are. silent alarm, what a beautiful debut album.

i’ve been thinking about loss. and how much i seem to be losing this year, so far, a lot of important things have been slipping through my grasp, walking away, being taken from me, cutting ties, not looking back. for the first time in years, i’m acutally allowing myself to feel everything and deal with it now, here and now. its the hardest thing a person can do, deal with the loss that life is inevitably constantly about. we spend our lives running from but never quite evading the loss we all feel. i’m losing the best friend i had for the last year. i guess i’ve already lost him but it comes in waves and soon he’ll be gone, perhaps forever. i’ve lost other best friends, some i’ve regained and some are gone good. i’ve dealt with it in different ways, some good, some not so good. now, i’m just plain dealing. i’m now losing someone who i lost a good while ago now but it’s been a new slap in the face this week. necessary i suppose and really the way it should be, still, it hurts.

its kept me up at night, this insomnia has to leave me soon because my will is breaking. i have no control over these things. i have to accept it. i refuse to shut down, disconnect and pretend, like other people deal with these feelings. i've done that in the past, with some devastating consequences.i’ll just buck up, feel the pain, cry like a motherfucker and press on.

and again

jennizane — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 11:15:23 GMT

This life=this is not the life i want

Happy New Year Friends

jennizane — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 01:28:29 GMT

Wishing your 2008 to be better than your 2007. Yep.

NYC rox

jennizane — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 02:54:34 GMT

New York was bitchin! I loved it!!!! None of my photos came out very well, 8 rolls!!! Still, it was grand. I hope I make it back there soon!

New York City

jennizane — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 19:27:20 GMT

So, I'm leaving this Friday morning for a one week foray to the city of ? What do they call NYC? Oh yes, 'City that Never Sleeps', right? Anyway, it's my FIRST time and I'm verrrry excited.

If you've been there, can you please give me a couple of 'must dos/sees'?! Appreciated.
Also, if you live there (Irina, this means you!), I'd love to see you!!!

:)

Have I really only posted in this journal once this year?

jennizane — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 22:31:13 GMT

This journal is about to recede back to a free journal status and I plan on letting it be. Seems silly to pay for extras I don't use more than once a year. Hmmmm.

I still read what others are doing (albeit only periodically) however I feel reluctant to write about what is happening in my life. Mainly because I always feel that my negative and pessimistic attitude made people think I was an annoying whiner. I'm not. I'm a real person who struggles with loving myself, not being overly critical of everything I do, trying to live in the moment and attempting to stop (at least curb) my sabotaging of important relationships.

I feel very vulnerable-in every way. I feel lost. I feel like every day I struggle between making good decisions and allowing myself to fall into a comfortable state of negative flagellation. I can no longer do it. I just turned 33 and I have to accept that I cannot control everything in life. I realize my need to try to control everything has made me a miserable person, in many ways. I don't want to feel unworthy any longer. I want to love and accept myself, learn to accept that I cannot control other people or their actions or the things that happen around me. I want to live in the moment and appreciate all of the wonderful people and things around me. I no longer want to act in hurtful ways to others because of my fears. I no longer want to sabotage my happiness.

Hey, yeah, hi

jennizane — Wed, 21 Feb 2007 21:02:07 GMT

Damn, I haven't posted to this thing, for this long? Holy moly. I haven't much to say nor the time to say it in.

Hey everyone. It's nice to read from people I don't keep in touch with often enough.

Just got back from a long weekend trip to LA. As I said to C in the line to board the plane back to SF, "This trip was a trip." Indeed it was.

Working my arse off.

Having another house party on March 3. Think my set is shaping up to be quite an arse shaker. At least I hope!

Going to see IAMX March 19. Our posse shall be in awe.

Doing dog sitting stints to bring in extra cash and for the experience.

Going to Las Vegas in April to see Brit for her birthday; I can't wait to see her as too many years have passed since we've seen one another in the flesh and watched the ben stiller show, of course.

Planning a trip to Amsterdam this year, I HOPE. More to say, I'll leave it at that for now though.

Also planning a trip, my first trip, to NYC to visit numerous friends. Exciting.

I've decided to just start putting shit on my credit card and doing it. Life is too short and I need to do things this year. I'm going to try to be as pragmatic as I always am though, so I may change my mind. However, if it seems feasible, I really will try.

My new career path is heating up in a lot of ways. I'm pretty challenged, which has been good and bad but overall no real complaints (just my normal ones, haha).

There is a lot more happening but some isn't meant for this arena and some are just boring or too complicated to get into here.

I'll just say I'm grateful for the good times and try to embrace the bad.

Happy Birthday to E!!!

jennizane — Wed, 01 Nov 2006 04:52:16 GMT

Myspace Codes: MyNiceSpace.com

Wish I could be there to celebrate with you, somewhere else, like we always did. But I'm there with you in spirit with a reminder that another year that passes is another year you're older but also a new year in which things will improve, for both of us. Have a good one sweetie. Glad you like the new panties. ;)
xoxo

Ok so.....

jennizane — Tue, 17 Oct 2006 18:11:44 GMT

Since my last post was so negative and self loathing, this short one is just to remind myself that things aren't all bad, that I'm not all bad. I'm feeling better this week. I talked to E and no matter what happens, I know what a beautiful person he is and that I am and have been so fucking lucky.

There are some wonderful people in my life and yes, I have the dogs-that make the low pay, the lame coworkers, the dirty, hard work all worth it. I'm working on increasing my income-I need patience (as always). So yeah, enough bitching for now (this month-as surely more will follow).

A year

jennizane — Sun, 08 Oct 2006 04:26:23 GMT

A year has passed that I've been back in the states, that I left Amsterdam, my home, my husband, my cat. And I have to say that in this year, I haven't really done anything of any importance or accomplished much of anything. This makes me feel like a total and utter failure. On top of that, I miss Europe and my home in Amsterdam. Living in SF makes me content but at the same time-I pretty much hate everything. At least, this is the way I'm feeling today. I'm pretty disappointed in how most things have turned out and feel very, very alone. Of course, I have my good days. This week has not been good. I miss Eelco and Osho so much. I feel confused, alone and just so fucking dumb. I want to feel good about myself and my life but feel so utterly incapable, it scares me.

Also, feeling very tired because I work very hard for very little pay. So yea, on top of my failure, I also stress about money-basically paying my rent and am exhausted from all the physical work and annoying coworkers. The dogs are still great and I have a new favourite dog. She is a pit bull, her name is Bella and she is beautiful, wonderful and kissable.

I don't really have anyone to turn to at all. I thought I was lonely in Amsterdam....turns out I'm just as alone and lonely in San Francisco. Wherever you go, that's where you are. That's me. Always in my head, forever the same.

typos and all

jennizane — Wed, 02 Aug 2006 17:29:31 GMT

OK so a quick quick update from me:

Cherrie and I are moving into our place in the city (outer Mission) this Saturday! Lovely lovely, so very glad I'm getting out of this fucking sublet of hell! Unfortunately, I still need to stay there until August 17th! Boo hoo!!! Tis ok though, as now there is light at the end of the tunnel! So, Saturday is moving day!

Work is proving to be disappointing in many ways. I ADORE the dogs and they are the only things making it worth it right now. The dogs are the prettiest, greatest, loveliest sweeties that makes each day worth it. I still love kitties though!

I'm trying to stay distracted to avoid other things.

I want to see "Snakes on a Plane"! So, who is up for it?!

Dirty Pretty Things next Wednesday at Slims! Very much looking forward to this one!!!

Yes, I have used quite a lot of exclamation points, apologies, but since its been quite some time that I've updated this thing properly, it feels appropriate.

Oh, I had a lovely birthday/birthday weekend. Thanks to my dear friends that made it so sweet. Abrazos.

jennizane — Wed, 05 Jul 2006 22:05:28 GMT

HI!!!!!! *waves*

Cherrie and I danced to Duran's My Own Way

jennizane — Thu, 25 May 2006 09:28:33 GMT

At Suelo's place, kicking it with Eelco, Suelo and Cherrie...listening to ADF's Fortress Europe....ahhhhh, feeling relaxed, finally thanks to the booze. Back in San Francisco, been good so far with all of my lovely friends. Regardless of my stress!

Back in LA next week! (for a visit)

Hair

jennizane — Mon, 08 May 2006 20:38:58 GMT

Things I've heard today about my new hair (at the office)

It's rock and roll, you look like you should be in a band
It's very Joan Jett
It's stylish
It gives you a European look
It's the 'new Jenn' (because I'm moving, etc..therefore includes the new cut, presumably)
*EDIT*: forgot about: It looks like a conservative nurse's cut (?!?)

I'm adjusting because its a lot shorter than I originally planned on going and the bangs...and new color....new new new. I think its good though.

Last week here (LA and Toyota), Sunday I'm heading up to Oakland in my rented SUV (I need the space for my boxes) and I have an interview next Thursday and Eelco arrives next Wednesday.

I'm feeling a little scattered.

Ok

jennizane — Fri, 05 May 2006 18:33:29 GMT

So, the current issue on immigration policy, the protests on Monday and today being Cinco de Mayo are rolling into one big fat hypocrisy laden bullshit fit inducing mind fuck for me right now....

And because Chandra is doing the positive note thing, I will support her cause by saying I joined my team's (at the office) happy hour last night and it was a lot of fun! I had 4 white wines. Tonight, I must burn baby burn on the treadmill!

Major babbling ahead

jennizane — Wed, 03 May 2006 19:25:16 GMT

I haven't much to say, besides the normal bs, per usual.

I'm searching for jobs in SF. Somehow I don't think it will be as easy as it was to get this Toyota gig. bah humbug.

I'm also searching for calorie counters, just found a good one. It started by looking into how many calories one of those boba drinks has, a lot man! I declined the polite offer of one after lunch, that's like a whole meal by itself. I pretty much stick to coffee (with non fat milk), water and diet sprite these days. I don't really drink booze any more, with the exception of a couple of weeks ago at Angie & John's. I paid for that though. I guess its best to just do a few shots and chase it with some diet soda.

I'm brushing up on excel, word, powerpoint, the fun stuff, for this new job I hopefully get in the near future. I just really want to like the place I work so I can stay there for a good amount of time and get paid decently so that I can afford to live in SF/East Bay while I restart school. Is that too much to ask for? Does anyone need a personal assistant? Ideally, I want to work in a creative environment or at a non profit. Ideally, I'd like to work with animals right away....but, the pay is low and I have already applied for two jobs and neither of then contacted me, at all.

I'm getting my haircut Saturday! I'm going to get it changed completely. Its time for an update. Especially since January I've lost close to 30 pounds, I need lighter hair too. Not the color mind you.

I'm taking some fat burn supplements that my trainer recommended. Not sure if I notice anything different happening...I guess the only thing its supposed to do it make me sweat more. And I sweat a lot already. Yuck. Last night, I did two hour classes in a row and a few more crunches for extra measure. I had so much energy when I got home I was running around like a headless chicken jacked up on espresso. It was insane.

What other mundane inconsequential crap can I continue babbling about? No one is reading this, I know. Oh yeah, at my sublet in Oakland, there is no cable. So, I will be going through withdrawals. I mean, its a good thing. I watch way too much tv as it is. But I really will miss cable, at least at first. Its good though, its really good. And the things that I NEED to see (e.g. Project Runway's new season), I'll just head over to friend with cable's house. I figure even when I move into my own place, I won't be able to afford it and most of my money will probably go towards rent. Dang. No more bad vh1 and bravo reality shows? No more Talk Soup??

Seems like a good superficial way to end this post.

Scattered across brain waves

jennizane — Mon, 01 May 2006 19:15:19 GMT

I hope those that were able to join protests and show solidarity are in peaceful situations and feeling strong.

I'm at the office today. I'll be unemployed in 2 weeks and since I don't get any pay for sick/personal days, I need the money. If I didn't already quit this job I would most definitely not be here. But yeah, I'm not *really* working I am?

I'm feeling solemn today and had a semi intense political conversation with another latina at the office today about all of this. She told me about a couple of conversations she had with other (white) people today...and I'm feeling a mixed stir of emotions. Deep down my heart feels like its going in a million directions. I couldn't sleep last night, I couldn't get up this morning, I have low energy, I think my brain is working so over time its taking up all of my energy just to process everything.

Missing home

jennizane — Thu, 27 Apr 2006 20:25:47 GMT

As Koninginnenacht and Koninginnedag soon approach, I am missing Amsterdam. So much so that I feel a longing, and not because of "Queens Day" but because of the things I was doing last year with my husband and Osho, in Amsterdam, in Holland, in Europe, my home. Here I am now, about to embark on who the fuck knows what, feeling sad, lonely and defeatist.

During Queens Day festivities, it was actually a kind of carefree time in Amsterdam. E and I would traipse around the city drinking, seeing bands, observing the Dutch and Amsterdam in all of their Oranje glory and what have you.

Instead, I'm here about to go into some useless meeting to take notes drinking yet another f'en starbucks.

I hate being sick

jennizane — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:58:13 GMT

I have a cold now. I met with my trainer last night and wasn't feeling 100% but still tried to give it my 100%. We checked my progress now that we're halfway through our training sessions. I've lost some weight, lost some inches, not so much lost on the body fat. She claims its average but somehow I feel like I have failed. Even though I have been working my ass off. Yeah, there has been progress but it still seems like piddly compared to the exertion I've been putting forth. It makes me feel sad. So, we're starting fat burn supplements this week, as soon as my cold simmers down slightly. And she is going to work me three times as hard. I better be ready because our sessions have already *been* hard. I'm sca-wed.

I feel the few drinks I had Saturday night and the subsequent snacks (nothing too hideous, some fig newtons, nuts)to derail alcohol consumption has undermined me. Shame on me, trying to have fun! HA! Why can't I just be skinny so I can get on with my fucking life?

Uh huh yeah....

jennizane — Thu, 20 Apr 2006 23:41:08 GMT

Abby and I watched "The Jacket" last night. It wasn't bad, wasn't good, was ok. But can I just say that I want to jump Adrian Brody!? Dang! His body is hot.

Ok, now that I've relieved myself of my inner Paris Hilton (I know, eeewww), I feel better.

Now, onto that "Oxygen Burgler", better known as Keira Knightly...jeez woman, close your mouth already!

Sporty spice

jennizane — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 22:55:22 GMT

So yesterday my Brother and I were playing softball together at the park. I was doing pretty well, interestingly, I have a natural ability with sports. Go figure. Anyhoo, I did get a tad too enthusiastic and as I was catching the ball, I laid my other hand into the opposite gloved hand too quickly and THWACK! The ball hit my thumb knuckle/bone straight on. Ouch baby, that hurt like a mofo! I was stoically mum whilst icing it for a long while. Then drove my Dad and I back home from the park.

My Dad and I also went jogging around the park and did little sprints up and down the stairs. Something had to be done as I had some cookies and carbs, even as I had fruit and a protein supplement bar with me. Can't be good all of the time.

Fuzzy honey loving bear!!

jennizane — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 20:35:17 GMT

http://www.animated-news.com/archives/00004873.html

Non bike riding club members dwindling

jennizane — Tue, 11 Apr 2006 19:53:46 GMT

So, who would find it challenging and fun (!) to teach Bianca and myself how to ride bikes this year? Because now that Irina has defected, Bianca and I are left alone standing strong as the non biking adult women in the house. I will make you a batch of bitchin' chocolate oatmeal cookies. I don't know what Bianca will do-she might take some arty photos of you to spread around town. How's that?

Ok, so who's on?

Another meme

jennizane — Fri, 07 Apr 2006 18:25:53 GMT

Borrowed from Comraderadmila..

Go to Wikipedia and look up your birth day (excluding the year). List three neat facts, two births and one death in your journal, including the year.

1921 - Air mail service begins between New York City and San Francisco.
1944 - World War II: Adolf Hitler survives an assassination attempt (known as the July 20 Plot) led by German Army Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg.
2005 - Canada becomes the fourth country in the world to legalize same-sex marriage, after the bill C-38 receives its Royal Assent.

1890 - Theda Bara, American actress (d. 1955)
1964 - Kool G. Rap, American musician

1923 - Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary (b. 1878)

About drinking

jennizane — Thu, 06 Apr 2006 17:55:25 GMT

Borrowed drinking survey meme thingie from miss Buboop....because, well, I'm bored.

1. Have you ever been drunk? Many, many times.

2. How old were you the first time you got drunk? Around 15 I think.

3. Have you ever gotten/given digits while intoxicated? Yes, I have.

4. Have you ever drunk dialed? Yes, but only before the age of 20. Once I drunk dialed from a phone in a bathroom of an expensive hotel room party.

5. Have you ever been drunk in front of family members? Yes, but they were drunk too.

6. Have you ever had to cover up the fact that you were drunk? Yes and it wasn't pretty.

7. Have you ever been arrested for any alcohol related crime? No, thankfully, but close call!

8. Have you ever hooked-up with someone while drunk? Yes (...) but I'm not proud of it.

9. Ever forgot their name? Yes, but I'm not proud of it. Oh my, I have problems.

10. When was the last time you were drunk? My best friend's birthday party about a month ago. And it was FUN :)

11. Have you ever been on a drunken binge? Oh yeah....

12. Do you need alcohol to have a good time? Sometimes

13. What kind of alcohol gets you the most intoxicated? Shots of any straight booze!

14. Favorite liquor: Vodka and tequila

15. Favorite beer: German (many), Belgian (many) and Sierra Nevada

16. Have you ever woken up after a night of drinking and found out that you were still drunk? Not really, that's because I can't ever pass out when I'm drunk. I'll stay up for as long as it takes to sober up or vomit it all out

17. Have you ever swam drunk? Maybe, I can't remember...yes, I think so.

18. What kind of a drunk are you? Happy, friendly, carefree, fun loving

19. Is alcohol like "truth serum" to you? It's been known to have that effect, unfortunately....but more often at a younger age

20. Favorite drinking partner: Britney and Eelco&Tobias&Sander&Nathalie

21. Favorite bar? Oh god, where to start?!

22. Have you ever completely blacked out? Yes, that was scary!

23. Have you ever puked from drinking? Uh, hell yeah. UGH.

24. Have you ever had the 'crying drunks'? Not really

25. Can you still do physical activity while intoxicated? Like??

26. Have you ever gotten into a drunken fight? If peeps piss me off....and yes, usually with a boyfriend, or husband as the case may be :o)

27. Who is the most annoying drunk that you know? My bro can be annoying but he's a happy drunk, it can be annoying if you're sober. And he gets even louder, if that's possible!

28. Who is the most flirtatious drunk? No idea, Abby maybe

29. Do you have a drunken nickname? No

30. Have you received a booty call? Do I have to answer this?

31. Funniest drunken scene in a movie: I know this...but....???

32. Favorite song(s) about drinking: It's not about drinking (I don't think), Nelly the Elephant!

34. Have you ever been hit on by someone way older than you? Not really

35. What's the worst 'buzz kill'? Someone condescendingly mentioning that I'm drunk. Or looking at me like I should "behave".

36. Have you ever dated a bartender or bouncer or cocktail waitress? Nope

37. Do you ever say to yourself, "Dang, I need a drink"? Definitely

38. Do strangers ever buy you drinks? It's happened on occasion

39. Have you ever drank too much on a date? I'm with Bupoop, I don't do the term "date" but no, I don't recall

40. Is there anything that you refuse to drink? Whiskey, Jagermeister (ewwww), cheap beers such as budweiser or coors or miller

41. Have you ever been drunk on a plane? No

42. Have you ever gotten drunk during the day? I have

43. Have you ever had to run from the cops and leave the beer behind? Yep

44. What's your favorite drinking game? Watching something in which you have to drink when one of the characters does or says something...whatever that game is called

45. Have you ever injured yourself while drunk? Does falling down a flight of stairs count? :o)

46. What's the most destructive thing that you have done while you were drunk? Broke a lamp and an ashtray (oops)

47. Ever been drunk at a concert? Uh huh

48. Is this survey getting too long? Uh huh

49. Are you ready for the last question? ok

50. Why do you drink? Because I can!

This thing makes me sound like Tara Reid! But still, I'll never be that bad.