| It's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown |
[24 Jun 2007|11:38am] |
the good times are killing me.
i like building memories but sometimes they fuckin hurt to look back on. life is wearing me down. but i wont wear thin.
damn what to say about the last few weeks. i purchased my first car. still learning to drive it. haha. 600, what a steal.
lucid dreams are crazy. im really into the idea of writing a book about my dreams. i think i will one day. i do have a passion for writing.
since corey and i split ive stayed strong, ive kept my composure for the most part. my heart still aches though.
ive been mingling a bit. its fun and all, but i dont like jumping from relationship to relationship. been hangin out with some new people. new faces are nice.
just got hired on at cafe yumm, start training tomorrow. i think it will be a cool place to work. everyone ive met there is really nice and the environment is laid back. plus they have really good food!
camping needs to happen in the near future.
got my belly pierced. newest and probably most favorite piercing ive gotten.
i have a farmers tan!
haha
fuckin mosquito bites are finally going away. i hate bugs.
i bought some new clothes, and splurged at victoria secret. they had a huge sale going on and it reeled me in. hah shopping is fun! (when you have the money)
ugh ugh speaking of money, i need to get my license and insurance.
i saw 'a mighty heart' yesterday. the movie about the journalist that got kidnapped in iraq after 9/11. then beheaded. his wife was left alone and pregnant. it was sad. i hate that it was based on a true story because it makes it even more terrible. i want to see the new michael moore movie 'sicko' looks funny. i think i would like anything that exploits the bad health care system in america and makes bush look like a complete idiot.
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[13 Jun 2007|12:55am] |
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i fucked up my livejournal somehow. i hate codes.
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| fuck emotions. |
[11 Jun 2007|11:47pm] |
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karma is such a bitch. im a wreck right now. i havent had a good cry in a while. i think thats why i havent been able to turn off the tears tonight. ive been searching for my journal but its lost amongst the garbage in my room. so i have to write electronically. fuck. thats all i can say. i hate feeling like this. hopeless. ive had such a good week and then today has just been terrible. ive been alone all day. part of the reason im so upset is corey. its been 2 days since ive seen him. thats the longest we've gone. and ive barely got to speak to him. i miss him when hes gone. i think his feelings may have changed. he seems too busy for me now. i deserve this, i know i do. i broke up with him. i did this. i just dont want to lose him competly. he said to me "nikki, i love you. you're still the one i want. i only have eyes for you" i dont know if i believe it.he said it was hard to be away from me but now hes wanting space.i want to see him. i needed a safe ride home last night and i asked him and he shut me down. it was like a slap in the face. it wasnt the corey i was use to.im just used to having him there when i need him. and now i need someone and there is no one to reach out to. i just want to be held. i want to know that someone cares about me. i feel like im nothing. today is definitely an 'i hate me' day. its not fair for me to be jealous that hes hangin out with other girls. but i am. it hurts. now i guess i know how it feels. i ended things for a reason. i could be with him right now but im bad at relationships. i suck at life. i want to make everything right. i feel like everything is wrong. like im wrong. i dont want to keep hanging out with other guys and talking to other guys just for comfort. for the attention. because i just get hurt in the end. i should know better. what will it take for me to learn?! im so mad at myself. and im not good with letting things go. i beat myself up over things that happened so long ago. i have so many layers of pain that i just keep adding on to and covering up. and then i have breakdowns like this. GOD. WHY. why cant happiness come easy for me? graduating highschool has left me with so many questions and wonders. where is my life going? i dont think i like where its at. i want to get away. out of this house that ive been cooped up in all day. i think i will just go back to bed. hide under the covers.
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[10 Jun 2007|10:44am] |
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i went to regular north's graduation last night and saw all my girlies get their diplomas, im so proud!! im sleep deprived, i need decent sleep. ew, ive been eating a lot of fast food lately and i feel unhealthy. ive also been drinking like a fish, ive become quite the alcoholic and i hate it. i think im going to do a 2 week cleansing thing. no fast food, no drinking for awhile. so sure enough my grandparents showed up with a 500$ check for me. so generous of them! i think that is the largest amount of money thats ever been given to me at one time. i dont know what i will do with it but its going to be put to good use. my grandpa seems sad when i see him now. and that makes me feel sad. im afraid of losing them. they mean soo much to me. it would kill me if one of them passed away. so please god dont take them from me. they're the only family i have. on that same note, my mom has no joy either. i want her to be happy. she deserves it. i wish the whole class 0f 07 the best. its so crazy that highschool is over. still hard to believe. i havent cried about it yet but im sure i will. i hate hurting people i care about. dkslgjaskl.
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| graduation |
[08 Jun 2007|10:53pm] |
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i did it! i graduated last night. i gave a speech, nice delivery too. it was a big night for me. very exciting. afterwards i was kind of feelin down, it was kind of like a "what now?" thought..hm highschool is over.what do i have to look forward to? i felt unimportant for some reason. sometimes the human race really sickens me. i feel like i would go so far to please someone but they wouldnt return the favor. people are so self absorbed these days, its fucked. i havent recieved any grad gifts yet. my grandparents are giving me money tomorrow. and my mom is gonna give me a little bit of money also. ohh god and last night...i really out did myself. went to an afterparty and drank way more than my limit. i was so sick today. lots of puking. i think i may have had mild alcohol poisoning. i was behaving really weird and i cant remember parts of the night. i like blacked out. corey said that i was twitching and drooling in my sleep. and i dont drool ever. freaked me out that i couldnt remember things, it was like i had amnesia. haha i party too hard. i had to celebrate though!! i won the scholarship :) i have to use it up this next year though, so i guess i wont be taking much time off from school like i had previously planned to. i think i have a new summer job lined up. might not be at rays for much longer. or i might just work there on the weekends. not sure. I HAVE TO EMBRACE THE REAL WORLD NOW. AH! THE AGONY.
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[23 May 2007|12:52pm] |
im going to a job hiring fair tomorrow for cafe yumm, i hope i can pick up a job there! if not there, somewhere else.& fast. i hate this being poor shit. i sent out all my announcements for grad. i walk soon, im pretty excited. im getting a little procedure done next week and im a little nervous. im feelin good today. i have the house to myself right now :D my tattoo is healing and its itchy! ah. i really need to start visiting the gym. i mean, i have all day. im just lazy. i dont like when friendships come crashing to an end and over what? its not clear. i need to write an essay to try and win a scholarship. i only have 2 days to do it.
peace.
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[17 May 2007|07:23am] |
this staying up all night crap has got to go. its so weird being out of school. i never work. i never do much of anything. i got my first tattoo on tuesday. ouch is all i gotta say. haha. no, it was worth it. i already have my next one planned out.
corey and i had another fight. the outcome was not so good. each of us keeps threatening to leave the other. this time he just up and left my house. which was for the best i think ,he doesnt know when to stop. he really knows how to get my temper flaring. i do wish i had my anger a little more under control. i know that i have a bad temper and that i have little to none patience. sometimes i get so mad that i cant even think straight. i have knots in my back and neck. i need massage therapy. blah i have to be at school in a couple hours for a senior meeting and i havent slept yet.
im not feeling too great. i want to be healthy and at peace with life. im thinkin about giving up drinking and drugs for good. i want to do something to make my mom proud of me again..
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[02 Apr 2007|03:40pm] |
haha i kind of scammed the government so now i have OHP (!) and im getting a few dollars in food stamps each month. awesome. i really needed healthcare. so im pretty happy that i finally got help.
and i have my permit. and im driving.im gettin pretty confident about my driving although corey says that i have a ledfoot. whatever that means. im developing road rage.
i have like 3 weeks of school remaining. shit. im on the song committee for grad. i have to come up with some good songs to submit. hm.
i need to read more. give me books and more books!
i feel underappreciated at my job. i got avg markings on my employee evaluation. i dont get it. i get praised for some of my work and then they treat me like i could improve? im underpaid and its bullshit.
i went to my first wedding a week or so ago. exciting. i saw brand new on friday in portland. it was fun.
i think i love him.
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[12 Mar 2007|03:40pm] |
im a sassypants when im drunk.
i suddenly have all this free time and i almost dont know what to do with it all. ive been working a lot lately though. its nice to have income you can rely on. i like my job most days too. thats a bonus.
im so close to being done with school. highschool that is. i dont know what im doing afterwards. take time off i guess and then continue school. it never ends. ha.
i need to tone up for swimsuit season!
i can honestly say that things are goin pretty good. im feelin good.
oh yeah. and im taking my permit test tomorrow. 18 and finally learning to drive. haha. ive gotten pretty good at driving coreys car around.
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| HI |
[05 Mar 2007|03:42pm] |
summer weather, i love you.
its so warm outside!!
school is coming to an end :]
4 days off from work.
i smoked salvia last night. crazy shit.
im gonna get 200+ back in taxes :]
i want icecream.
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| internetless |
[12 Feb 2007|06:44pm] |
bullshit drama. im through with you.
none of this will matter a few months down the road. jesussssssss.
the lords name in vain.
im happy!
march 30th. brand new in portland :]
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[05 Feb 2007|02:13pm] |
dont let your life revolve around secrets. stop lying to yourself.
you should treasure your friends. you should be a good friend.
i question everything. !!!!
(ew bladder infection. ew sickness)
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| depressed. |
[29 Jan 2007|11:31pm] |
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mood |
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i just found out that my grandpa tried to commit suicide about a month ago. i dont know what i would do if i lost him..
im having trouble breathing right now.
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[28 Jan 2007|01:33pm] |
nothing makes sense.
i want to sit alone in an alleyway.
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[26 Jan 2007|09:17am] |
"hes so good to me. he makes me orange julius drinks and peanut butter malts and puts up with my shit. he even loves that im weird. we're a great pair really."
"im pretty much with him all the time
but i want to be with him every second. "
why do i miss this?
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[25 Jan 2007|06:18pm] |
6 more weeks and i should be done with school!
start work in 2 weeks.
corey&i have been together almost a month now.
i guess thats the only update i have.
uhh my social life needs a facelift.
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[23 Jan 2007|12:57am] |
yeah i know i said adios.
but here i am again. typing in this fricken thing.
I FEEL SO DISGUSTED RIGHT NOW
i need to shed the pounds.
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| update. |
[11 Dec 2006|06:11pm] |
i have a migraine. ive been getting those a lot lately. i think im prone or some shit.
sara and i are friends again. i made the move to talk to her about everything and we're good now. its a relief. no enemies :-]
i would be happy never seeing that manipulative s.o.b ever again. (JONNY!) hahah.
i have a crush on corey. hes moving here over winter break.
i have a lot to look forward to during winter break . no school, my 18th bday, christmas, & new years.
im gonna be 18. wowowow.
my grandparents visited this past weekend it was nice. i got $100. too bad that doesnt go very far:-[
i had a job interview for rays grocery store on friday. i thought i screwed it up. butttt. i got called to set up a 2nd interview for tomorrow. so wish me luck! i really need a job. maybe i wont feel like such a loser then.
sometimes i feel like my life is going nowhere. ive been in a horrible shit bad mood all day. and i cant seem to shake it. arrgh. oh well. ill take a nap. and drink. gosh i told my self i would lay off the alcohol for awhile but im not ready to let go. hah.
i hung out with lena a few days ago. it was nice, hadnt seen her in awhile. we talked about graduating and the future and it made me kind of sad. i already see most of my highschool friends drifting away. ehh it happens. ive been meeting new people! i wish i wasnt so shy. sdlkgjasljg
im gonna check out open mic tomorrow night. ive been meaning to go for a long time. i get to see coreylou tomorrow too. he calls me nikita. its cute. im really glad gahlen and i are still friends i value his friendship. my bankaccount got overdrawn, bullshit!
uhm. okay. thats all.
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[23 Sep 2006|02:37am] |
i think my posts from now on will be friend only posts.
i have an inkling that im being spied on.
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