TV isn't your friend at times.......
I was flipping through the channels and came across a "reality makeover show" called "The Swan". Never ever in my life have I felt more angry, depressed and outraged!
The basis of the show is to take women who look average or unattractive and "beautify" them through any means necessary, such as plastic surgery, weight loss, etc.. I watched this show and felt a huge range of emotions, and it made me feel sick to my stomach.
What made me feel worse is as I watched, I felt uglier and worse about myself. I had finally started making a recovery on my self image issues and began having realistic type goals for who I am and what I can do to change myself a little at a time. I was even a bit concerned this week when I found I'd lost 6 pounds in 3 days by my Doctors scale. (Side effect from being ill, I know, not having much of an appetite lately due to medication) Now, I feel myself being pulled towards that mind frame that allowed me to become anorexic in high school and not want to eat at all.
Something that was suppose to make women feel like they have hope, I suppose, is what this show is suppose to be about. But for me it had the opposite effect. I'm very angry right now and I feel like screaming at the television set, waking up my Beloved and ranting, or just get in the car and drive fast down the interstate. None of those things are healthy, and I worry that this is going to draw me down a bit deeper back towards the depths from which I just swam in the past few months.
I've worked very hard in therapy to get to this point, and I don't want to feel that I've been wasting my time.
I really wanted to change the channel, that voice in my mind that speaks when it must was telling me that watching wasn't healthy, but I couldn't make myself change the channel. I even tried switching the channel a few times during commercials but kept being drawn back in.
An even smaller voice in my head was wishing that I too could be given the chance that these women have been given, to change drastically on the outside.
I hate that voice. It sounds like a collection of people whom have berated me throughout life, complete with the looks of disgust or pity. Its the voice of the guys in school who thought I was too fat and ugly to date. The girls who made fun of the way I dressed since I never got to shop at any place fashionable. The teachers who tried tell me I wasn't smart enough to take honours classes (but I did anyway, and faired well in them), and the father who could never show me love, because I was never good enough to make him happy.
I am angry, hurt, betrayed, and feeling very frantic at the moment. My mind isn't quiet and I can't find my happy place.
The basis of the show is to take women who look average or unattractive and "beautify" them through any means necessary, such as plastic surgery, weight loss, etc.. I watched this show and felt a huge range of emotions, and it made me feel sick to my stomach.
What made me feel worse is as I watched, I felt uglier and worse about myself. I had finally started making a recovery on my self image issues and began having realistic type goals for who I am and what I can do to change myself a little at a time. I was even a bit concerned this week when I found I'd lost 6 pounds in 3 days by my Doctors scale. (Side effect from being ill, I know, not having much of an appetite lately due to medication) Now, I feel myself being pulled towards that mind frame that allowed me to become anorexic in high school and not want to eat at all.
Something that was suppose to make women feel like they have hope, I suppose, is what this show is suppose to be about. But for me it had the opposite effect. I'm very angry right now and I feel like screaming at the television set, waking up my Beloved and ranting, or just get in the car and drive fast down the interstate. None of those things are healthy, and I worry that this is going to draw me down a bit deeper back towards the depths from which I just swam in the past few months.
I've worked very hard in therapy to get to this point, and I don't want to feel that I've been wasting my time.
I really wanted to change the channel, that voice in my mind that speaks when it must was telling me that watching wasn't healthy, but I couldn't make myself change the channel. I even tried switching the channel a few times during commercials but kept being drawn back in.
An even smaller voice in my head was wishing that I too could be given the chance that these women have been given, to change drastically on the outside.
I hate that voice. It sounds like a collection of people whom have berated me throughout life, complete with the looks of disgust or pity. Its the voice of the guys in school who thought I was too fat and ugly to date. The girls who made fun of the way I dressed since I never got to shop at any place fashionable. The teachers who tried tell me I wasn't smart enough to take honours classes (but I did anyway, and faired well in them), and the father who could never show me love, because I was never good enough to make him happy.
I am angry, hurt, betrayed, and feeling very frantic at the moment. My mind isn't quiet and I can't find my happy place.
