The Retards of the Orchestra: Violas
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
1. The viola burns longer.
2. The viola holds more beer.
3. You can tune the violin.
We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it "solo."
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
What do you do with a dead violist?
Move him back a desk.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.
What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.
What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
Vibrato.
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.
Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
1. So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
2. If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.
Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
Why do violists smile when they play?
Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.
How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
1. Sit in the back and don't play.
2. Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2. Who cares?
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?
Music Minus One
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Current Mood: 
laughinig at violas 
amused of my death
bored out of my mind
upset-ish and cranky
in the mood for bday cake
confused
busy