Gothik

I am amazed to find that this acct even still exists. HAH!

Its been a while since i've said something here and I figure its overdue. I haven't been online very much lately. I've been busy reading texts and doing research for my coursework. Around Samhain, esp. on it, I don't know if it was the drugs talking, but I started to re-evaluate (as often as I always do) the important elements of practice, what witchcraft means to me, how I feel about people who make up the communities of online forums that house the subject of witchcraft but never talk about the darker half, and why I can never settle on a set practice for any given ritual. So then i started thinking about why it was I set up this account. Surely it wasn't in vain (for all the quizzes and silly images - or just the nonsense that happens in life). There was a purpose, as there is in all things and figured I should address that in this entry.

I surf the web for information, products and always looking to sell my services as a pagan artist, but every pagan forum out there posts that seasonal question: What are you doing for (insert sabbat here)? Some looking to compare, others to get ideas and in search of inspiration for what to do, themselves. I never really know anyways until the day of, and even then sometimes I don't. My sis and I went for a walk late that nite this year, into unchartered territory. Well it was uncharted to us - areas in walking distance we had not yet explored which ironically enough, led us to areas around our neighborhood that we have already seen. What I really felt i should have done was go to the nearest cemetary. I don't know anyone there, it just felt like something long overdue. It feels good to me to be in them - even if the presence is less than friendly. Cemetaries have long felt like a comfort that I cannot get from the living. Also seemed a perfect way to honor ancestors - even if they're not mine. Sis carved a pumpkin and gave out candy to the costuming children; i wound up pressed against a heating pad looking for relief from my back complications.

But i did get thinking about things. Serious things, which is another part of the subject. It seems to me that many don't appear to take it as seriously as I do - sure that's their prerogative et. al., but many in these forums are all about preaching love and light, but then strike at you on some random matter b/c you tend to hold different views. It isn't like I haven't experienced this before. heh heh. A lot of people are getting the wrong idea when visiting certain sites - ideas that we all subscribe to a one-sided view of a lady and lord, filled with immense love and lightheartedness, following structured rituals that encompass the same physical elements repetitively. It doesn't work for everyone. I can't follow that structure - or many others (which is often why even the man I love the most tends to call me "CHAOS"). Some of us have to try a plethora of things until we find what feels right. I've hit a point (refuse to call it a phase) where I recognize limited necromantic desire within my practice - i don't want to conjure up the dead - i just want to go into their houses of rest and talk to them.

I've spent years trying to ascertain the exact definition of witchcraft. Unfortunately by many its become muddled with that gawd awful term Wicca - that has become the most trite denomination of Paganism, worldwide. Where there is news media, somehow someone's practice will become associated with it, whether or not they're even of any Pagan denomination - since uninformed sources who tend to spread their own "narratives" are even well known for grouping Satanism under the P. umbrella. Regardless, to me it is what i've been doing all along - merging my energy with that of outside sources, or sometimes just my own energy. It is never the same thing twice. It is always different. In fact, it is nice to know that one of my most commonly practiced traits from my childhood as a Christian has stayed with me through my transition into Paganism and remained throughout the whole of the last decade - communication with the divine. Its too much of a hassle to become all ceremonial when all I want to do is ask the gods for something or to just talk to them. Whatever anyone can call me for what i practice will always be "just a title". It doesn't matter either way. What one person calls something doesn't change what it truly is for those who perform the specific actions associated with the title. They shall continue to practice it if they so desire, and those shouting names will continue as long as they think they're deriving some satisfaction out of it.

Another commonality I've grown to despise is the act of slinging mud at people for being Christians, particularly if they've done or said nothing to offend those of us who are Pagan. This happens an awful lot. Crass, disrespectful comments about what Christians believe in is just as wrong as when it is said about our faith. The practice of dissing people for what they believe in doesn't help us get alone any easier together - it only fuels the fire.

And there you have it, a long awaited rant.

...in the world couldn't measure the truest sense of individuality or properly assess the personality characteristics of the individual from one moment to the next unless they were based in a broad scope of the multitude of possibilities in reality. Current classes have kept me away from my computer for a while now; quite a bit of heavy reading. This summer was ended in the bosom of the countryside of America in dark places with "NO SERVICE FOR 110 MILES" signs; enough to give any soul room to breathe and moments to think.

Seen some movies recently that have reconstituted the same types of mode of thought. Granted not all new films, I tend to be behind on the times acc. to popular culture, and it suits me just fine. We find what we most need, when the stars are right - and these things reach me when in greatest need. Like Fight Club and Corpse Bride. Both extraordinary in their own right, but the former is a line of thought that opened up a few doors. Sometimes all we need is a release from the incessant insomnia that plagues the thinkers and riles them into a permanent state of want for action. This world is changing, and everyone in it has or will follow suit to some degree. Some of us feel it permeating us straight to our core - some moreso than others.

And sometimes these changes come as a greater sign to remind us that its time to stop or slow the pace and look around again to recognize that we walk to a different beat and see life in shades for which many of the mundanes are simply to blind to behold. Not speaking of the reverence for an oligarchy rising among elites or philosophers, just a simple recognition of the inherent differences in our being, and to be willing to embrace such a thing.

NIGHT MAGICK - Night Magick is a complete
curriculum of magical development based on the
Yin primal force, as opposed to the major
religions of the world, which are predominantly
Yang. You emphasize the use and balanced
developement of the Physical/Etheric Body, the
Astral/Emotional Body, the Mental Body, and the
Causal Body. Through regular and consistent
practice, you, the Night Magician will develop
psychic abilities, increased vitality, stronger
focus, and union with your Oversoul.


What is Your Magick Path?
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Your sex is like R&B!

Is there anything like getting freaky with Barry White's deep, sexy voice purring in your ear and raising up the heat?

For you, sex is about sensuality, passion, and indulging yourself in making sweet, sweet love all night long.

You savour every sensation, and every love-making session is likely to leave you sweaty, exhausted, and spent.

Some might call you hedonistic and self-indulgeant, but they're probably the same ones who have scheduled sex every Tuesday night at ten on the dot, missionary position only--they don't understand the joys and ecstacies of sex the way you do!

Nice to see you back on here, synth.

End of the semester is soon to approach. This semestre I had the fortunate situation of being in a class where it was core to my grade to participate in a group project where the goal was to "construct a religion".

It started out strange at first, and I couldn't really feel much about the people i was in the group with, but we managed to do something so amazing that we created ourselves a truly global religion. The professor seemed mostly concerned that we may have experienced Communitas, or a religious experience. Well we all did, but that wasn't the most important aspect about this project. What was more incredible is what happened to my belief system. It crumbled.

Now before anyone starts to make conjectures there's more. Generally the odds are that nothing crumbles that hasn't been slowly chipping away over time to begin with - and this certainly has. I've known it all along, but decided to 'ride the wave' so to speak. Glad I did.

Being able to understand basic foundations that help build a secure religious system have made me reanalyze my own spiritual system such to the point that I felt lost or that certain things were escaping me. It was crumbling out from under me. I can't help but feel that maybe this was meant to happen. This jack of trades used to constantly change systems due to an incredible inability to define the loopholes that I had observed after working with a system for a while. Many people work with a system and feel content where they are - not me. Things go good for a while and suddenly I can start to see breakdowns and holes in it - like staring at letters too long - the longer you gaze, the more the words break down into their basic alphabetic components and begin to look foreign and unrecognizable.

So in looking at this, i can begin to understand how wonderful it is to finally have some answers - even if it has come at the cost of my entire spiritual belief structure. I know that I can always reshape it with a more profound understanding of what causes such loopholes and craters in such systems.

Some people refuse to question, and others do it so much that they lose sight of the intention and lose all faith in all their beliefs. I have done neither. I still hold many of the views i had before. This is a work in progress, as many things are. This process has led to understanding, appreciation and self betterment. Which seems (at least to me) to be more important than any system we may follow.

Because of these things, I find that Anthropology of Religion Magic and Science has been the most rewarding course I have taken during my entire College experience.

Holy Voltron rip-off, you're Megazord!

You own being huge. You are the hugest guy around, without a doubt. Even really huge people whimper at your hugeness. And you are made of really huge robot dinosaurs. Huge. You are so huge it takes five power rangers to control you. And you can mash anything. Even mounds of foam rubber the size of cities. Because you're huge. Sorted.


Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

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Your Gothic... Maybe even a bit Vampyric... Your
very sensitive, sometimes you can be outgoing
in your own population. Your sometimes Lonely,
but when your alone your much happier. If your
suicidal, it's okay, because your the kewlest
person I know!....well don't actually know you
but yeah! Write me and Tell Me if you picked
Napoleon or Ron!


Are you a Vampire/Goth/Punk/Poser/Emo/ or just a plain PREP!?
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I could have told them that. btw.. if you're viewing, i voted for Napoleon. He reminds me of my best friend.

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Your Hidden Power Is Dark
Angel

You have a Evil and Demonic Soul. You use your
hidden powers for the evil of hell. You are in
constent war with the heavans for you want to
destroy the pathetic humans were they want to
save them. For all people see in you is that
any emotion expecially love is a waste of your
time but your so mysterious that people don't
know you do have a shy emotions that are kept
locked within you.

Gem Stone:Black Pearl, Eye
Color:Black,Hair Color:Black with
Grey Streaks that is down to your waist pulled
in a braid

Quote:You said you read me like a book
but the pages are all torn and frayed


What Is Your True Hidden Power? .::Beautiful Anime Pics::.
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not sure i truly believe this completely but alright.
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Your a wind Dragon! Hey, you, the smartest dragon
of the branch. You love reading and writing,
but are quite shy. Your IQ is probably sky-high
and your stories can win trophies. Your not
very good in sports, or maybe you are, and just
not inrested.. You are very wise, smart, and
kind.


What elemental dragon are you?
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yeah that one's right.

its been a while. been busy with coursework and personal problems in general. I've felt very lethargic this entire semestre. Its now spring break and i'm having an exciting time ... at work. hehe yeah right.

I wrote out something that i was going to post here yesterday but was too tired and i don't have it with me today so it will have to wait.

I'm thinking about shopping on AzureGreen from now on.. or at least for a little while since some local shops don't carry some of the items that i seek. A coworker of mine often jests that a pet store and pagan supply shop all in one would be perfect for my needs - she's stuck on the whole eye of newt and wing of bat concept of witchery but its all said in jest. I'm finally getting used to those sly remarks. I used to take offense but what's the use in it.. more enjoyable to laugh things off and to enjoy strange humor.

Got new shades the other day. Coworker of mine - she who makes sly remarks about what animal parts go in my cauldron - commented on the superhero features of my new shades.. and she's right they are kind of funny looking.. but they cut the uv light in half and they were only $1. Its springtime.. us vampires need protection from all that light and the uv rays. :D

Last week or so i've been sick. Managed to flush most of it from my system except for this dry hacking cough that persists when i haven't eaten. Woke up this morning just sort of lounging around and dreading the movement of getting up and leaving the house. I feel like i'm in a slump physically and emotionally. It isn't depression because i'm not sad or lonely or depressed about anything. It could be the sickness that's getting me down - but will be going to see the doctor for some things tomorrow. Its not that I dread going to school - some of my best classes are today: Anthropology of Religion, Magic and Science and Psychology of Drugs and Behavior .. which i count much more notably as.. Religion and Drugs. Maybe I need a lab to go with that drug course - learning about them isn't nearly as fun as hands-on experimentation. :D

Everything around me looks bleak - i make it a point to absorb my surroundings - trees, roads, people, skies, etc.. but there's nothing majorly astounding about those things that i might normally feel. Psychologically speaking, I feel like I would when aunt flo comes for a visit once a month, every month. So i grabbed a chocochip cookie this morning and that was very enjoyable. The only thing i really feel "wow'd" over to be quite frank.

Still crackled and hoarse, my voice is of little to no use and wouldn't properly convey how i feel anyways through spoken word or song. I spent more time yesterday nodding than speaking on matters in classes: the speaker in Death and Dying lectured on his experiences caring for a dying loved one and the supernatural communication which took the place of communication between them on the physical level - things i know a bit about.. and then later on in the religion class group project meeting listening to some of my classmates say the same things that i also hold in my belief structure (specifically on the nature of balancing those introspective issues and inner forces of power with the external projective prayers to outer divine forces).

Maybe if i had more sleep .. or if a bird would finish building my desk for me.. i might be able to feel more get up and go.. more focus on something such as reorganizing my sanctuary so that i can do the things i may feel that i am lacking (to which there are many).

Last night's reverence was short and sweet (with offerings of half burnt flowery incense and liquid libation) - perhaps something that stems from my catholic days - i was never big on elaborate rituals but instead preferred personal prayers or communications directly from me to the divine. Ah yes those to whom this is important to recognize, happy imbolc. The bird wanted me to watch the state of the union address but i was too busy - why do they have to schedule these things on sabbats?

However, what did captivate me last night was a book I checked out from a campus library .. "Amulets and Superstitions".. published in 1930. Detailed information on types of amulets created by Arabian, Babylonian, Assyrian, Sumerian, Egyptian, Gnostic, Hebronic, Coptic, Phoenician, Samaritan, and other peoples who populated the area ranging from the Levantine coast to the Arabian Desert, and south towards Egypt. I am considering writing my research paper (for english) on the matter. Will have to track down more books on the subject, of course. It does seem that the further along I venture with or without memory of the ancient past, I find myself falling further into pages of ancient texts on the matter. This, however, could be my niche. I flipped over it when I landed into research heaven in Biblical Archaeology.

But i'll see how the day goes.. hopefully fast enough to land me back home and in bed for a few hours.

Which Dyre Spirit Are You Most Like?
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took this a few times - got Danaus, Rhone and Rhone again so figured that solidified it.